Somewhere Down The Road

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song Lyrics belong to their owners.

‘The Guardians’ and their members belong to me. This organization and any original characters associated with it are solely the product of my imagination.


Chapter 22 - Somewhere Down The Road

Sometimes good-byes are not forever
It doesn’t matter if you’re gone
I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own
So you can find your way back home
And somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn’t really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say
I’ll always love you so
We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe we’ve only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come
Barry Manilow



Giles showed up just as the sun was going down. If Clem hadn’t showed up earlier in the afternoon to move in I would probably have gone crazy with nerves. I just wanted to get started on the journey. So, I could just get back home.

As soon as he walked in he asked if I was ready. I nodded yes. Picking up a box I walked over and handed it to him.

“What’s this?” He asked perplexed.

“It’s my bank information.” When I said that he looked really confused. “I’ve got a bit of money put aside and if anything happens to me it goes to Buffy and Dawn. I already put Buffy on as a co-signer on the account so she won’t have any problem getting it out if she needs it.”

He opened the box and pulled out the passbook on top. His eyes opened wide when he opened it and saw the balance. He looked up at me then back down at it. But he didn’t ask or comment. Just told me it was time to go. He replaced the passbook in the box and nodded his head at me.

On the way to the airport he told me how I was going to get to Africa. There was a group of humans and demons called The Guardians. They were going to transport me on private cargo planes operated by these members. He compared them to the Underground Railroad that helped runaway slaves during the Civil War. The Guardians assisted demons that were on the side of good and demons sympathizers with safe houses, medical care and safe passages to different locations throughout the world. I found out the judge who helped Giles with Dawn’s guardianship and Buffy’s therapist were both part of this organization.

“Aren’t you afraid with Sara being part of this might unduly influence Buffy?” The thought of Buffy being brainwashed into something didn’t set well with me. I couldn’t understand why Giles would put her in this position.

“I thought about it, Spike. But I spoke to a lot of people about Sara. She treats humans who have nothing do with demons as well. They have never been influenced to that life at all.” He paused for a moment. “I think having someone who won’t react at all to her involvement with a vampire will help her more. Alleviate the guilt she feels about loving the enemy. And maybe she won’t feel like a freak anymore.”

He was right. That was part of her problem. She was supposed to be killing vampires not sleeping with them. But yet it was part of her attraction to me also. To slip to the dark side and be bad. The hero complex and always having to be good was part of what made her want to run. Hopefully Giles was right and this acceptance of both worlds would make Buffy freer to choose what she wanted not what she thought she had to have.

Once we reached the airport Giles parked behind it in an abandoned building’s parking lot. We slipped through a cut in the fence and made our way to a hanger. A tall man with dark hair turned to look at us as we walked in. He stood and made his way toward us.

“Hi, I’m Jeff. You must be Mr. Giles and Spike.” He put his hand out for us to shake it. First Giles then mine. Taking his time as he shook my hand he gave me the once over.

“You the pilot?” I asked him not sure if I liked him or not.

“Yeah, that’s what they gave me a license for. Probably wasn’t the smartest thing they ever did. But, hey, I haven’t crashed one yet.” He laughed at his own joke. Giles and I just looked at each other. “You about ready to take off. The flight plan says I am leaving at 8:30 and it’s about that.”

I nodded my head. Giles turned to me and wished me luck. Shook my hand and turned to leave. I wanted to run after him. Beg him to take me back with him. Pussy boy, yeah, I know.

Jeff laid a hand on my shoulder and led me to the plane. He explained that I would stay in the cargo area until we got off the ground. Once in the air I could come up to the cockpit with him since it was just the two of us. I had flown a lot of times but never in the front with the pilot. Can’t eat the person you need to get you back on the ground. My earlier doubts were alleviated because we ended up getting along for the trip. He was always cracking jokes about something. Talked a lot about his family and especially his wife.

The plane would be landing at Orlando International Airport and I would be put on another plane directly to Africa. We landed in Orlando around 2:40 in the morning. While he landed the plane and made contact I was hiding back in the cargo hold again. It wasn’t too long before Jeff returned with another man and a woman. Jeff introduced them as Matt and Donna. Donna came over to me and handed me a thermos.

“It’s blood and its been warmed for you. Drink up because once we get you settled it will be over twenty-four hours before you see the world again.” I took the thermos from her and opened it up. Carefully took a swig and it had been warmed just to the right temperature for me. Donna continued to watch me as I drank. When I arched a brow at her she laughed but didn’t turn away.

“Sorry for staring. Just have never met a vampire before. It’s a new experience for me.” She seemed the straightforward type. Although she wasn’t what one would call beautiful she had strong features with huge hazel eyes. After I had finished the blood she and Matt made their way to a long crate in the corner. They quickly popped the top and beckoned me to come over. The thing was filled with Bibles.

“No way, those things will burn me.” I took a step back and Donna giggled.

“It’s got a false bottom. The Bibles won’t come close to you. Matt and I are missionaries. Which is the reason for going to Africa. Can’t spread the word of God unless you bring Bibles with you.” As she talked Jeff and Matt pulled out a crate within the crate. There was a hollow place at the bottom.

“You spread the word of God and you’re helping a vampire?” This was just way too weird for me.

“God made all creatures. Therefore he made you. Get in.” The three of them were waiting for me to get in the crate.

“Do all Guardians believe like you?” I looked at them before I moved.

“No, we are made of all religions and beliefs. Now, do you want to go or not?” Matt wasn’t as inquisitive as Donna. And he sure acted like he didn’t want to be doing this because this was the first time he had spoken.

I approached the crate with trepidation. Looked it over then stepped into it. After I laid down they put cedar chips around me to disguise my scent in case they had the dogs sniff the box. Once I was settled Donna squeezed my hand and told me she would see me on the other end. Then they lowered the top part with the Bibles on top of me. It was like being in a coffin again. I almost panicked for a minute then told my self to calm down. Soon I let myself go into a deep sleep. Not much else to do for the next day while we traveled overseas.

The crate was being moved again and I could feel the heat of the sun warming the box. Soon I could feel it being loaded onto a truck and the movements as the truck traveled over bumpy roads. I kept hoping that soon I would be let out. It was really uncomfortable and hot in there. After hours the truck stopped. And I was unloaded again. I could hear people talking. Donna’s voice and Matt’s. Then the lid was taken off and a hand reached down to help me out. I took it as I recognized Donna smiling down at me.

“So, how was the trip?” She jokingly asked me.

I growled and told her it was lousy. She directed me toward another couple standing there.

“I want you to meet Joe and Melissa. They are going to be your next guides.” They both shook hands with me. After saying good-bye to Donna and Matt they led me out to their jeep. I just kept looking around as we traveled through open country. They explained that they were heading toward their house. I would stay there until tomorrow night then I would be taken to the area where the demon was. From there I would have to walk in. They would return to pick me up and I would return to their home until I was ready to make the trip back.

They were good people. Introduced me to everyone in their home. And I was given a room of my own with a private bath. I felt like a guest not a refugee vampire. After they had shown me around, they invited me to join their family as they hung out and watched television. I was surprised when a couple of demons were there. They helped out on the ranch and had been gone when we had arrived earlier that evening. After I met them I began to feel a little more comfortable.

The next day passed quietly. Blood was brought to me in the morning on a tray. Along with a change of clothes. After I had showered and changed I settled down to read a poetry book I had found on one of the shelves in my room. Melissa came and checked on me and told me that I was welcome to wander the house if I felt like it. But I pretty much stayed in the room until dinner when I ventured out to join the evening meal. No one made comments about me drinking blood. Or the fact that I did eat some of the food that was offered.

As soon as dinner was over Joe and one of his ranch hands took me to the edge of some desert. Gave me directions to the village where the demon was located. After telling me that someone would return to this spot for the next three nights to wait for me. If I hadn’t returned by the end of the third night they would assume I wasn’t coming back. And this information would be given to Giles.

I nodded my head that I understood. Thanked them for all their help. Stood there and watched them drive out of sight. Then turned and looked at the desert spread out before me and started walking. It was up to me now.

Africa

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.

Authors Note: In order to keep my story line going I have changed some elements of Spike's visit with the demon in Africa.
________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 23 - Africa

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in twelve-thirty flight
Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say: "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become
Toto


The desert was all around me stretching out as far as I could see. The night sky of stars covered me stretching over and sealing the desert shut in the distant horizon. I could hear things move but they were beyond my sight. After taking a deep unnecessary breath I started walking in the direction that Joe had told me the village was. Forever it seemed I strode through the sand that shifted beneath my feet. When I was beginning to wonder if I had been walking in circles I heard the faint beat of drums. Smiling that I was close I quickened my pace and hurried toward the sound.

The village loomed before me like some place forgotten in time. The huts grouped haphazardly around large fires. Not taking the time to acquaint myself I just made my through the village. The villagers stared at me strangely as I walked by them. One yelled at me in a language I didn’t understand. But I knew what he meant. To stop or I would die if I continued on my path. Just told him I that I didn’t care. Then I was there. The entrance to the cave.

The fear ran through me but I couldn’t let it stop me. The life that I wanted was at stake. It was dark and dank in the cave. I lit my lighter and tried to make out the drawings of torture and pain that covered the walls. Then I heard a voice. Turning toward it all I could make out was the shape of a large demon with glowing eyes. Its tail slowly wagging behind it.

“You seek me vampire?” His voice was low and diabolical.

“Yeah, I seek you. Like your drawings. Did you do them?”

“You have come to me to be restored.” It wasn’t a question. He was letting me know that my presence was already expected.

“Good. Then you know why I am here. So, let’s get to it.” At this point I was really hoping he wouldn’t notice that I was beginning to shake.

“You will not endure the trials required to grant your request.” Glad I had his vote in this little mission.

“Well, why don’t you bring them on and I’ll be more than happy to show you that I can.”

“Very well.” He stepped back and I turned as I heard movement behind me. It was the first of the warriors I would fight. This one had hands of fire that left me burned and sore. The second warrior was a two-headed demon that sapped the last of my physical strength. After I finally ripped his second head off I fell to my knees in the dirt of the cave.

“Well, demon, I have completed two of your trials.”

“So, you have. Are you ready for the next?”

“Yeah, whatever you have bring it on so I can get what I want.”

Then my eyes opened in revulsion as I saw the bugs. Thousands of them were crawling toward me. Then over me. I screamed as I was covered in them. They crawled over my wounds. Into my nose. And into my mouth as I continued to scream. Mercifully darkness took over and I pitched forward into the dirt.

When I woke the demon stood over me.

“You have completed the trials.”

“Soddin’ right I have. Now give me what I came for.”

His hand covered my chest.

“Your soul is now returned to you. Serve it well.”

A hot burning pain filled every fiber of my being. An intense light shone through and all around me. This was worse than the three trials combined. I wasn’t even aware that I was once again screaming in pain. The demon's laughter was the last thing I heard as I passed out again.

When I woke I was laying in the shadows of the entrance of the cave. The sun was just beginning to set. As the safety of darkness covered the land I forced myself to stand. To begin my trek back to the meeting place. The villagers came out to watch me walk by. They stared in awe and pointed at my battered body. My emotions were numb and my body was all pain. Only by sheer determination was I able to continue to walk. This time was slower as I had to fight myself to continue moving. Sometimes falling and having to crawl before forcing myself to walk again.

After forever I could see the jeep in the distance. I tried to walk faster but I only moved slower. A light appeared in the east as the sun began its wake up call. The servant moved around the back of the jeep to climb into the driver’s seat.

“No.” I called out weakly. If he left this would all be for naught. I would burn in the sun. From the very depths of my being I yelled at him to wait. He hesitated and looked out into the distance. Grabbing something from the back seat he began his way toward me. I tried to walk toward him but my strength was gone and I collapsed onto my knees. He began to run and was quickly by my side. A blanket was thrown over me and he helped me back to my feet. With his help I was able to make it back to the jeep. I curled on the floor of the back seat with the blanket over me as we made our way back to the house.

The sun was climbing higher in the sky and I could see it trying to seep into my hiding spot. Whispering at me that it could end my misery before it even started. Beckoning at me to run into its light. I closed my eyes as tight as I could. But as I kept the sun at bay the voices began at the edge of my conscious. The screams of terror and pain that I had caused calling out to me to remember them. To free them from their torment. Shaking my head I tried to dispel them but they wouldn’t leave. They only came closer when they realized I no longer had a shield against them.

As soon as we reached the house Joe and Melissa came out to help me in. I practically had to be carried. My body was at the point it could no longer move. They put me down on the bed and removed my clothes. Melissa and one of the other women cleaned my burns and cuts. I didn’t speak a word. My jaw was clenched tightly shut. If I opened it for anything the screaming would start. And I didn’t know if I would ever stop. They soon left me curled into a ball in the middle of the bed.

The voices kept getting louder. Taunting me. Reminding me. That I had taken their life without a thought of what they wanted. The women, the men and the children in their innocence begging for their very lives and I hadn’t cared. Their fear an added pleasure to the kill. The ones I had tortured just for fun. To laugh at their pain. The lives of the two Slayers I had taken to prove how evil I was were there too. They circled at me. Louder and louder. The guilt tearing me apart.

My hands covered my ears in an attempt to stop them. But it didn’t work. Then as I looked out at their sea of faces I saw them. The sources of my greatest guilt and regret. Buffy and Dawn. The terror in Dawn’s eyes before I fell from the tower. The sight of Buffy’s broken and lifeless body because I had failed to protect them. Buffy in my bed lying there bloody and bruised from my hand. The taste of Buffy’s blood in my mouth. The two of them looked at me with such love in their eyes even though I had hurt them so. They didn’t say a word but just stood amongst the others.

I now hated what I had done. I called out to them to leave me alone. That I was sorry. But they wouldn’t stop. Their taunts of murderer and fiend kept coming at me.

Somehow I ended up on the floor trying to crawl away from them. But I couldn’t get away. My tears began to fall as I kept chanting that I was sorry. Then in the time of the chants I began to bang my head against the floor. Hoping the pain from the blows would stop the voices in my head. But it didn’t. Then I started to scream as my head continued to search for peace in the hardness of the floor.

Suddenly hands were there pulling me up. I struggled against them in an effort to get away. To continue my ritual. Soon another pair of hands joined the first after I heard Joe call for help. As the two of them held me still a glass was held to my lips. I turned from it.

“Drink it, Spike.” And again it was there but still I refused it. The hands moved to hold my head still as Melissa tried to pour it into me.

“Spike, drink it. It will help you to sleep without nightmares.” Somehow her soft and comforting voice reached me and I gulped the foul liquid down. Numbness began as it reached my stomach. The last thing I remembered was Melissa's hand wiping the blood from my face.

When I woke I didn't know what day it was. Or how long I had been with the demon or how long I had been asleep. The voices were quieter now just echoes of distant memories. As I looked down at myself I realized I had been out long enough for my body to heal. Outside the curtains it was dark and I listened to the sounds of the house. It must be getting late because there were only murmurs of voices. No television or radios playing. When I no longer heard any sounds I ventured from the room in search of blood.

The refrigerator was a huge commercial one because of the size of the household. I began to rummage through it in hopes of finding some.

"Top shelf on the right in the back." Melissa's voice was soft in the darkness. "We put it up there so the kids wouldn't get into it."

After locating it I turned for something to put it in. Melissa came further into the kitchen and found me a mug. After I poured some out she took it from me and put it into the microwave to warm. She gestured for me to take a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen's island. When the microwave beeped she brought the mug to me. Then took a seat across from me.

"Are you feeling better?"

I nodded my head as I started to drink.

"You had us a bit scared. We called Mr. Giles and he told us how to make that stuff for you to sleep."

"Thank you. I had me a bit scared too." I told her. Then I guess I needed a sympathetic ear and she seemed willing to listen so I told her about the voices. About the guilt.

She stayed and never said a word until I was done. When I had finished speaking she remained silent for a few moments. I didn't know if she now regretted who she had in her house or not.

"The demon that you went to. Many seek him and most are never seen again." Her fingers made lazy patterns across the counter as she talked. "Only those with pure motives survive. The ones who go for selfish gains are the ones who don't make it back." She looked up at me. Straight into my eyes. "Since you made it back we can only assume that your intentions were for good. And that good has a purpose for your life. We all have done things that we need to atone for. Forgive yourself and move on."

After she said that she told me goodnight and slipped from the room. Leaving me alone to ponder the past few days. In many ways I felt the same but yet different. Like a human coming down with a virus. I just felt strange. Me but not me. Things were clearer than before. The love I felt for those back home were now in bright color instead of dull monotone. Buffy was like a shining angel that beckoned to me. Just thinking of her smiling made me want to dance.

For the first time I understood her pain. The burden of all those lives depending on her. No wonder at times she wanted to run. And that leaving heaven tore her apart. To finally find relief then to have it taken away. It's a wonder she had survived at all.

I had always felt guilt when I had hurt the ones I cared about. Dru and Dawn and Buffy. For the ones I hadn't cared about it hadn't really mattered if I had hurt them. But now I know a lot of the guilt I had felt was because it had affected me. My happiness. Not necessarily because it hurt them. Now I knew the difference. The lines were clearly drawn.

But like Melissa said what was done was done. No matter what I felt it couldn't be undone. The only thing I could do was go on. Use the knowledge I had now to change for the better. To make the right choices. To atone.

I Want To Know What Love Is

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.

Authors Note: I messed with a few things again. I apologize in advance if this has offended anyone.


Chapter 24 - I Want to Know What Love Is

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I’m older
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm, as life grows colder
In my life there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
Foreigner


It was time to go home. To leave this temporary sanctuary I had found. They needed to be able to live their lives like they did before the melancholy vampire showed up at their door. I traveled back to California pretty much the same way I had gotten there. The Guardians arranged my passage with an art shipment. The closer I got to home the more the panic set in. My emotions had been traveling the spectrum. Sometimes the voices returned to haunt me. Other times I just didn’t know who I was. How I was supposed to act. Common sense told me to just be who I was. Who I had been before. But then I begin to think of being the smart-ass pain I had been and the guilt would be there.

The plane got into Los Angeles late in the afternoon. Fortunately, I was able to get into the airport under a covered walkway. I wandered through the terminal looking for a pay phone. Spotting a row of them I made my way toward them and dialed Giles.

“Hello.” His voice came through the line sounding like home.

“It’s Spike. I’m in LA.”

He asked me how I was then offered to pick me up. I told him I was fine but refused his offer for a ride. I told him I needed more time before facing everyone and that I would contact him when I had a number to give him. Our conversation was short and to the point. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet.

I waited until the cover of darkness and headed out. Hitched a ride with a woman who was looking for a good time. She gave me a ride all the way to my destination. When I got out of the car she tried to give me her phone number. I refused and told her to go home before she got hurt. She looked at me like I was crazy. I felt crazy. Trying to protect total strangers was a laugh coming from Spike.

I stood on the sidewalk and looked up. The Hyperion Hotel loomed above me. I had come to the home of the one creature in the entire world that knew what I was going through. To seek guidance from him while I worked my way through this. My anger and dislike of Angel hadn’t gone anywhere but he was the only one that I knew that had already been where I was now.

As soon as I walked through the door they surrounded me instantly. The only two I recognized were Angel and Cordelia. The others I had heard about from Willow and Xander. So, it wasn’t hard to figure out who was who. Wesley, Gunn, Fred and Lorne. I laughed as they stood around me. Angel threateningly stepped closer to me.

“What the hell do you think you are doing here? Have a death wish?” He asked me.

“No, Peaches, I thought I would drop in and we could discuss old times.” And I guess the old me was still hiding in there somewhere. “Discuss why I am the better man for Buffy and all that.”

He walked forward and grabbed me by the front of my shirt.

“Give me one reason not to stake you here and now.” He growled and I was surprised he hadn’t gone into game face.

“Because, old buddy, I now have a soul.”

He slowly let go of me and took a step back. The look of shock on his face was priceless. I looked around at the others. They were all waiting for a sign from Angel.

“You’re lying.”

I love it when I can get something over on him. It was so good I could feel the smirk on my face.

“Nope. Call Giles. He’ll confirm it.”

Angel looked over at Cordelia.

“Call him. Find out.”

She quickly moved behind the desk and began dialing. While she spoke with Giles, Angel and I just stood there staring each other down. Then Cordelia called to Angel saying that Giles wanted to speak with him. After he hung up the phone he made his way back to us.

“Giles confirmed what you said. That you went to get a soul so you can be one of the good guys.” He gave me one of those goofy looks he does when he is trying to intimidate you. “Not that I can see you being a hero.”

The others began to relax as Angel talked to me. Angel told me that Giles had asked him to help me out. And he had reluctantly agreed. It appeared that I had the temporary shelter that I was seeking. He started to walk up the stairs then stopped so I could catch up with him. As we began the ascent up the stairs he laid his arm across my shoulders.

“How is the guilt treating you?” His sarcasm was evident as he asked.

“Could no way compare to what you went through. You were the ultimate evil. Oh, yeah, still are with the little games you were playing in Sunnydale.”

He laughed at me. But there would come a day when he would have to apologize for what he tried to do with Buffy and me. He had hurt her and that I couldn’t forgive. But for now I would let it go. But the time would come when we would have to come to an understanding.

I was given a room a few doors down from him. Probably so he could keep an eye on me. It was a bit filthy. He told me if I wanted it clean I could do it myself. The guy just couldn't be nice and giving just once. Cordelia showed me where I could find the cleaning supplies. She and Fred ended up helping me get it habitable.

I settled into life at the Hyperion. Giles sent me a care package with some clothes and my bankcard so I could get cash. Most of the time I stayed in my room reading or watching television. Watching the days drift by.

Cordy and Fred dragged me out one night to go shopping. They told me that if I was going to eventually go back to Sunnydale and a life with Buffy that I needed to lose the all black look. I gently reminded them that Angel stayed that way. They shook their heads and asked if I wanted to be Angel. That did it. I went shopping. Cordelia definitely had a sense of style and what would look good. I ended up looking like a poster boy for Structure. Blue jeans and pullover sweaters. Denim shirts. I even ended up with new boots. Complete new wardrobe. Now not only did I not feel like me I didn't even look like me.

The other guys had the audacity to laugh at me when my new duds were shown. Told me I was whipped. I just laughed at them and told them their day was coming.

After I had been there for a while Cordelia called to me one afternoon and said Giles was holding on the phone for me. I had called and spoken to him a few times since I had been there. This was the first time he had called me and I was afraid something was wrong with Buffy or Dawn.

"Hello, Giles, is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. I just needed to let you know about something."

"What? Buffy…"

"She's fine. We came to a decision and felt that you needed to know. I told her that I have spoken to you and I knew where you were. She asked me to call." He was vague and was scaring me. My first thought was that she had decided that she didn't want me in her life anymore. That she didn't want me to come back. I had waited too long. I fell into the chair behind me as my mind went racing through this horrible nightmare.

"Spike, are you still there?" He asked me jarring me from my imagination.

"Yeah."

"It' s about Dawn."

"You're calling me about Dawn." Relief swept through me that Buffy wasn't dumping me. Then another kind of panic set in. He had said everything was okay. "What about Dawn?"

"I'm adopting her." He waited for his words to register with me before continuing. "It wasn't an easy decision but one we all feel is for the best."

"And how is you taking Dawn away from Buffy good for either of them?"

"The three of us came to the decision together. Believe me being the instant full time father of a sixteen year old girl was not in my plans." He gave a shaky laugh. It had to be hard for him but then why was he doing it.

"So, why do it?"

He began to explain the reasons they had decided on this. According to Social Services Buffy would have to be in therapy and doing all the other stipulations stated for at least six months before she could have unsupervised day visits with Dawn. Another few months of this before they could have weekends. And another six months probably before they would give her guardianship again. By this time Dawn would be almost eighteen.

The adoption could be put through within two months. By the beginning of August Dawn would be settled permanently with Giles. Without having Doris Kroger on their backs. The judge would assign another worker to them for a few months to make sure everything was okay. And by Christmas the state would be out of our business.

Buffy wouldn't feel pressured to hurry through therapy. She wouldn't have to constantly be under a microscope from the state. And when I got back we wouldn't have to hide our relationship. Dawn and Buffy could see other whenever they wanted. Buffy would be able to come to the house as much as she liked. The Scoobies could socialize with everyone and nobody would have to be left out.

When he put it like that it did make sense. Giles was a good man who loved both of them and was willing to make sacrifices to keep things going. The only hitch was their biological father. They put advertisements in the newspaper where he was last known to be stating that Dawn would be adopted unless he protested. They had to leave it in for six weeks and pray that he didn't respond. He hadn't sent a child support check in almost a year. And they hadn't heard from him in at least that long. We just had to keep our fingers crossed that he wouldn't see it and come back to mess things up.

At the end of the conversation he told me to call Buffy. She was hurt that I hadn't contacted her. He still hadn't told her that I had a soul now. He said it was my business to do so. Angel and the others had been sworn to secrecy too. I told him that I would call her soon. And hung up the phone.

I leaned forward burying my face in my hands. Told myself to pick up the phone and call her. That it would be all right. This was Buffy. She loved me. No, she loved unsouled Spike. What if she didn't like me like this? I should have talked to her before doing it. But it was my decision. This was what I wanted for my life. Now I was too afraid to face my life with a soul. What if I didn't love her anymore? What if they didn't accept me? What if I couldn't live up to my expectations much less theirs?

I heard someone walk into the room. Moving my hands I saw it was Angel. The last person I wanted to deal with at the moment. His suggestion would be to move far, far away. To leave Buffy. Don't know why he sodding cared since he was with Cordelia now. Why hang onto an old love that you couldn't have anymore?

"Look, I don't like you. Never have actually." Nice start. We would probably end up kicking each other's asses all over the place. "Probably never will. But Cordy says I have to play nice. So, I am putting up with you."

I laughed at his little speech. What was he going to do? Ask me for rent.

"I am only going to say this once. And I will deny that I ever did say it." He reached for the phone's receiver and handed it to me. "Call her."

And with that he turned around and walked out. My jaw dropped open. The bastard had to have gone soft somehow. But then I turned my attention to the phone. I ordered my shaking fingers to dial the number Giles had given me. When it started ringing I almost hung up. My stomach twisted in nervousness.

"Hello." It was her voice. I imagined her standing there holding the phone to her ear. As beautiful as always. A tear made it's way down my cheek.

"Hello." This time her voice sounded annoyed. I was just sitting there breathing at her. There was a noise and I knew she was getting ready to hang up.

"Buffy, don't hang up." My voice cracked as I called to her.

"Spike? Is that you?" She sounded happy to hear from me. But afraid like maybe she hadn't heard the voice right.

"Yeah, baby, it's me."

It had been over a month since I had spoken to her. The day she had walked out of the crypt. Neither one of us was the person we had been that day.

"How are you? Where are you? Are you home? When can I see you?" Her questions tumbled out of her one after another. I laughed at her obvious eagerness to see me.

"I miss you too." She laughed then. It was going to be okay. "Buffy, I am in Los Angeles. Staying with your old friend."

"Angel?" Poor girl was really confused now. That would be the last place she would ever expect me to be.

"Yeah, Angel." I stood up and closed the door so I could have a little privacy. "It's…I've got something to tell you. And when you hear it you'll understand why I'm here."

"Are you okay?" There was a trace of fear in her words.

"I'm fine. Just different." Just say it. Tell her. "Buffy, I went to Africa." There was a gasp on the other end of the line. "I went to get a soul."

"A soul?" Then silence. A very long silence. I sighed. "Did you succeed?"

"Yeah." I wish I could see her face. Be holding her. This had been a mistake. I should have just taken my ass home and let things fall where they may.

"Oh." Then more silence.

I told her I was sorry that I hadn't called yet. That I just needed time to figure things out.

"When are you coming home?" She sounded a little lost.

The coward told her that I would be home soon. Then I brought up Dawn's adoption and we talked about that. She sounded comfortable with the whole idea. That it was better that Dawn be secure with Giles instead of always looking over her shoulder for the state to take her away. She filled me in on her therapy. That it was going well. At first things had overwhelmed her and she had slipped a couple of times. Reverting back to cutting. The pressure of everything changing and not having me there to make it better had gotten to her. But it had been weeks since an incident she told me proudly.

Maybe it had been good that I hadn't gone back. That I wasn't there for her to lean on. She had to learn to be on her own. Confident in her own strength to handle things. If things were to work between us we had to be partners. I couldn't be her crutch. She said her new job was good. That she felt better about herself working there.

We didn't talk anymore about my getting a soul. I think she just needed to absorb it. To realize that it had actually happened. Then the questions would fly. I had to get the answers myself before this time.

It was time to get down to business and figure out was going on. So, that I could get on with my life with Buffy. I went in search of Angel. Told him that I needed to talk to him. He agreed and we went back into his office. I plied him with questions about him getting a soul. His feelings about it. How he had come out of it. It almost killed me when he said that it was falling in love with Buffy and his desire to help her. We talked for hours. By the end I realized that I needed to decide what I wanted to do. Away from Buffy. So she wouldn't feel that everything depended on her. I refused to place that kind of burden on her.

I had to have a definite purpose when I returned to Sunnydale. Not just counting the house until I saw her. Now, I just needed to figure out what I wanted.