Chapter 28 – Riverwide
I spent a year in the mouth of a whale
With a flame and a book of signs
You’ll never know how hard I’ve failed
Trying to make up for lost time
Once I believed in things unseen
I was blinded by the dark
Out of the multitude to me
He came and broke my heart
In the morning you wait for the sun
And secretly hope it won’t come
But time washes everyone clean
Sheryl Crow
Buffy jumped from the car before it even stopped. Her mind was focused on only one thing. Raven. The call from Faith had confirmed her fear of what was happening to her daughter. The connection between them seemed to be fading as Raven’s fears lessened. Of course, there was no way for Buffy to distinguish between her own grief over what happened or that of Raven’s. All she recognized was the emotions rampaging through her nervous system and the overwhelming need to be next to Raven.
The double doors of the Hyperion were barely left hanging on their hinges as Buffy burst through the door. Her footsteps faltered for only a moment as she took in the sight of the filled lobby. Every slayer and teacher in the school seemed to be gathered there. The anguish filled faces turning to see who had entered let her know that they were there for Raven also. Without questions the girls parted leaving Buffy a path through them. She only took a second to nod before darting through them.
Like lightening through Buffy’s soul, sensations became more pronounced the closer she was to her family. The seething red of Spike’s anger, the uncontrollable helplessness that only fed that fury and the black pit of despair that was drowning Raven. It almost brought Buffy to her knees again, but she fought against it. They needed her too much to allow for self-pity.
Buffy ran through the clinic door, nearly running over a pacing Spike. He grabbed her arms to steady her. She only sank closer to him. Gathering strength and giving comfort to one another in the sanctuary of his arms.
“Where is she?” Buffy asked. Her voice muffled because her face was still buried in the crook of her husband’s neck. It was safe here. His arms locked around her waist, his breath whisper soft against her skin, and his fingers threading through her hair. For a moment she allowed her eyes to flutter closed as she inhaled the pure scent of her mate.
It was an indulgence that she didn’t linger upon, just as quickly she stepped away. She glanced around the room to the people gathered there, Angel, Faith, Max, Dylan, and Giles. Unable to deal with them at the moment she looked up into the tear ravaged eyes of Spike.
“Through there,” Spike said, pointing to the door that led to the larger room of the clinic.
Taking a deep breath, Buffy nodded, and headed in the direction he indicated. The door swung open silently at the push of her hand. She poked her head around to try and assess the situation before going in. Kate looked up, motioning her in, from Raven’s bedside. Buffy choked back a sob as she approached the bed that her daughter was lying in.
Raven appeared to be sleeping. She was lying on her back with her eyes closed. The rails were up on either side of the bed. Buffy shot Kate a questioning look as she reached down to smooth Raven’s hair back from her face.
“I thought it would be safer for her. She’s…,” Kate sighed softly, “intoxicated. Over the legal limit and she also has rohypnol in her system.”
Buffy’s eyes flew open as she choked out, “The date rape drug?”
Kate nodded.
“How…far?” Buffy asked, quietly. Spike had only said ‘tried’ without details of what exactly happened.
Raven whimpered, causing both women to turn their attention to her. Tears were pouring down her young face. She turned onto her side, curling into a ball as the pain overtook her. Buffy moving on maternal instinct brought the railing down and crawled in behind her daughter. She wrapped an arm around Raven in an attempt to bring her comfort.
“I’m so sorry,” Buffy cooed. “You’re safe now.”
“I wish I was dead,” Raven cried. Her voice slurred from the poisons in her body. “Everything is fucked up and it’s never going to be the way it was.”
“You’re right,” Buffy replied. Nothing was ever going to be the same for any of them. It was the one thing she was learning. Life never stood still for anyone. All they could do was their best and hope it was enough. “It never will be. But it can be better.”
“How Mummy? Connor doesn’t want me,” Raven said, taking Buffy’s hand. “Wesley and Fred hate me. I know Daddy is mad at me. I messed everything up.”
“Raven,” Kate interrupted them. She sat in a chair next to the bed so she was eye level with the teen. “You need to calm down. You’ve got a lot of stuff in your system that is only making things worse. Try to sleep. Your parents will be here in the morning, sort through everything then.”
Buffy tucked the blanket tighter around Raven before cuddling into her back. It was a good sign when her daughter settled into her embrace. Their hands were still locked together. Kate nodded approvingly as she stood up. The lights were turned off except for a small one by the front door. The only sound that could be heard was that of Raven crying which was lessening in intensity as the seconds ticked by. Her body grew lax against her mother as sleep overcame her again.
Not sure of how long it was Buffy remained where she was until she was positive that Raven was sound asleep. Only then did she ease from the bed. Raven didn’t move and Buffy tucked her in tighter. She motioned for Kate, who was sitting at a small desk, to follow her. The two women headed out to the waiting area.
The door hadn’t even swung shut behind them before they were surrounded by concerned family and friends. Spike was in front with Angel right behind him.
“How is she?” Spike asked, looking relieved when Buffy smiled and took his hands.
“She’s sleeping,” Buffy said, glancing around at everyone. “She woke up for a few minutes and talked to me.” She paused long enough to give a deep sigh. “She’s upset, scared, but we’ll be able to tell more of where she’s at after she sleeps for awhile.”
Spike nodded, looking over her shoulder at the door that kept him from his daughter. “Can I just…?”
“Yeah, go ahead,” Kate agreed. “Just be quiet.”
With that Spike slipped into the clinic.
“So, physically…she’s okay?” Rona asked, from her position leaning against the wall in the back of the room.
It was almost too much. Buffy had to restrain herself from verbally attacking the girl who had been with Raven. Her own dislike of Rona shouldn’t cause her to put all the blame on Raven’s friend. Amanda’s words of the young Slayers using fake IDs and the fire escape to spend time on the town returned to Buffy. It wasn’t one of them. It was all of them.
“Follow me,” Buffy said, heading toward the lobby. She gave a glance over her shoulder to make sure that Rona was following her. They all were.
“What’s up, B?” Faith asked, coming up beside Buffy.
“They are going to hate me,” Buffy said, with a shrug. “But I’m going to tell them what I think of their stunts.”
“Come on,” Faith said, stopping. “You can’t blame them all for what happened to Raven. She’s the one who decided…”
“No, it’s not just one,” Buffy declared, whirling around to face her friend. “It’s all of them. Isn’t it Rona?” She looked for the girl behind the others.
“Not everyone,” Rona protested. “And it’s like Faith said. Raven was looking for a wild time. You can’t blame us all because she went a little crazy.”
“Oh, and you as the good friend encouraged her,” Buffy spat, closing the distance between them. “Knowing how upset she was, you went out with her anyway, didn’t call anyone for help. You drank with her, and she almost ended up raped. Is that what a good friend does?”
“Look, Mrs. Blood,” Rona snapped. “Maybe if you and your vamp of a husband took more of an interest in what’s happening to the people around you like your kids, instead of being so damn selfish, you would have known what was going down with Raven. But, no, you were all wrapped up in this constant struggle between you two to even notice.”
“You ever say one bad thing about my husband again,” Buffy snarled, grabbing Rona up by her jacket. “I’ll make sure that you are no longer welcome here. Do you understand me?”
“That’s enough, Rona,” Max ordered, wrapping an arm around Buffy’s waist to pull her back. “This isn’t the time or place.”
Buffy let go of Rona as Faith stepped between them. She had issued her warning. And if she had to, she would stand by it. Buffy had overlooked Rona’s call to stake Spike when he was being used as a pawn by the First and returned to the killing fields.
Rona was young and new to slaying, but she never seemed to let go of her dislike for Spike. No matter how much good he’d done since those days or all the good he’d done before. It didn’t matter to her. He killed therefore he should be dusted.
“Do whatever you want to,” Rona shouted, over Faith’s shoulder. “Do you really think they’ll follow you? You’re a bitch who puts damn vampires first.”
“Rona,” Max warned, even as Angel put a hand on the girl’s shoulder.
It was too much. This girl was complaining about everything that had been handed to her. Sure, she had to train, fight, and had faced the First, but she’d also been well taken care of.
“That’s right,” Buffy responded with a sardonic chuckle. “I’m the bitch who campaigned for this school so all of you could be together. And oh, yeah, it’s those vampires who are paying for it.” Her hands went to her hips. “You’re a sad case, Rona, very sad.”
Buffy stepped away from Max as she proceeded toward the lobby. The girls waiting there were crowding the entrance to the hall. If anyone was missing before, Buffy was sure they were there now. She didn’t stop until she reached the top of the steps at the doorway to the hotel. Faith and the others stood behind her. Rona was sulking at the rear of the room. The girls were all facing her. She let the Slayer in her take over.
“Apparently some of you think you’re invulnerable because you’re Slayers,” Buffy started. “You think that you don’t have to obey the rules because you’re special. Well, you’re wrong…very wrong.” Her arms crossed over her stomach. She began to pace. “That arrogance is what will get you killed. You think it’s all in the fight. It’s not. There is a million ways to bring someone down.” She stopped to look out over them again. “Your emotions will destroy you. They will take the best Slayer and bring her to her knees. I know that. Faith knows that. And now Raven knows that. Maybe I was wrong by not being open enough. By not letting you know everything we’ve gone through. We were arrogant to think it would make us appear weak as your leaders.”
She stopped to take a deep breath as she looked out over the young women. Some met her eyes with compassion or need and some were filled with pride. Those were the ones that scared her.
“There are going to be changes around here. Whether you believe me or not, I care about you…”
She couldn’t go on. She’d failed Raven. She failed them all…again. Sobs racked through Buffy’s body as guilt filled her. Rona had been right. She’d turned her back on her girls for her own selfish reasons. And that reason was there, nearly flying across the room to get to her, to wrap her up in his arms. She let him hold her. Once she had jeopardized everyone’s life to save him. To protect him even when he had shown her the bodies of those he killed. She sacrificed the group’s safety for him.
Because he was all she needed.
Accepting that truth only made her cry harder.
to be continued…
Chapter 29 – Purgatory
We will be the forgotten ones
They will shake their heads and pity us
We who sacrificed our sons and daughters
With the sweet taste of victory on our lips
They will cry, but their tears will come too late
There is no redemption for the ones
Who choose to walk in the shadows
Oh sweet redeemer will you save a place for me
I am tired and I’m seeking restitution
Oh will you heal me, will you take away my pain
What I’m looking for is absolution
Getting out of purgatory
Is no small accomplishment
And the price is high
And it comes with its own set of conditions
The choice is never clear and difficult to make
But it will not change them
They will just go on the way they always have
Pat Benatar
It was all going to unravel in a moment. Emotions were running high. Everyone was reacting instead of thinking. Being a Watcher meant control. Being in control of his charges, of the how the battles were fought and most of all keeping his own feelings in the background. In this case that training would serve him well. Giles stepped forward.
“Spike, please take Buffy back to the clinic,” he instructed firmly. “She doesn’t need to be dealing with this right now.”
Thankful that Spike only nodded his agreement, Giles waited until the couple turned the corner before turning his attention to the Slayers. For a moment he let his gaze wander over them, making eye contact when he could, and noting the ones that avoided that intimacy. There were a few that straddled the fence between good and bad but none that really took their rebellion too far. Well, that was the case until this night anyway.
“Buffy is right,” Giles started. “But it’s not just you that have become arrogant and lax. We all have. The fight with the First has left us feeling invincible. But we’re not. Already we know there is something else coming.” He pulled his glasses off as he paced across the steps. How much should he say? They didn’t know what they were fighting yet or how bad it would be. He sighed and looked out over them again. “We are horribly unprepared for any battle…small or large. When I look at you, I don’t see the unity that should be there. There is no standard to hold you responsible for your actions to not only yourself but to each other as well. Instead of pushing each other to do better, you encourage your fellow Slayers into a lifestyle that will only lead to trouble. Tomorrow morning, 6 AM, meet in the gym. An hour of calisthenics to start your day will be the first step in your new training regimen.”
The response was what he expected. A mixture of groans and muttered arguments, but no one was brave enough to openly challenge the order. They knew it wouldn’t do any good. The line had been crossed and punishments had to be doled out. If they wanted to be a part of this institution then they would have to accept it with some grace.
Angel stepped forward and leaned toward Giles. “May I say something?”
“Is it necessary?” Giles asked. It was a rare request. Maybe he should have realized that Angel wouldn’t have asked unless it was important. But a part of him would never trust this vampire and the less contact he had with the Slayers the better Giles felt.
“Yes,” was all Angel said in reply.
Unless Giles wanted it to appear there was a division among their leaders, he had no choice but to let Angel address the Slayers. With as much support as he could, Giles stepped back.
“There will be a meeting as to what further punishment and changes will take place around here,” Angel said. “We have conducted this school with the opinion that you knew the difference between right and wrong. We were mistaken in that belief. Some of the activities that I’ve heard about are not only ethically wrong but also illegal. This could lead to me or any of the people in charge here in deep trouble with the law. One of these things that I’ve learned about is the use of fake IDs to obtain entrance into clubs for the purpose of drinking. Anyone caught with one of these will face expulsion. If you choose to turn yours in and any other illegal substances, you will be given a second chance. Am I clear?”
Giles watched the reaction among the girls. The majority of them murmured agreements that would be enough to satisfy the adults that they were listening. Yet there wasn’t enough to lay blame on any one girl. But yet there was panic on a few faces. Giles committed their names to memory for further interrogation in a private meeting.
Angel stepped back and Giles turned to Faith and Max. “Is there anything the two of you would like to add at this time?”
“I would,” Max said. He nodded first to Giles and Angel then turned to the girls. “I think at this time that it would be best to give the Blood’s our support anyway we can. Buffy and Spike’s priority is Raven and shouldn’t have to worry with other problems that can be addressed later. For those that want to help them out, let us know and we’ll figure out the best way for you to do that.”
Once Max was finished, Giles looked to Faith who shook her head about wanting to add anything else. He made a mental note to speak with her because she seemed to be struggling herself.
“At this time you are dismissed. Don’t forget 6 AM in the gym,” Giles called to the girls who were quickly dispersing. He shook his head at the thought of being in charge of all those girls. And he once thought that being Buffy’s Watcher was the most difficult duty he could pull. Fate had proven him wrong once again.
~~~~~~~~
Buffy drew her legs up toward her and wrapped her arms around them. She was unraveling from everything she’d gone through since the first inkling of Raven being in trouble. Not only was she dealing with her own tangled emotions but also his and Raven’s. Spike sat beside her, handing her the cup of water she’d requested. He would walk to the moon and back if it would make her or their daughter better. Focusing on Buffy was helping him to push back his own feelings regarding the whole matter. There was nothing he could do at the moment but be there for them.
“Thank you,” Buffy murmured, handing him back the empty cup. With a sigh she leaned into his open arms. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
It was understood that they didn’t need to speak the other words. The ones that said they wouldn’t leave this room until they knew just how their daughter was going to be, if not emotionally, then physically. And there would be a time to speak of retribution against the man who hurt Raven and the ones who by their inactions allowed it to happen. There would be time later for them to deal with it. Now they needed to concentrate on each other and Raven.
It was a source of confusion for Spike as to what had made Raven unravel so fast. He knew her feelings for Connor was more of a hero worship crush than a mature love. Yet, for her to not only try to seduce Wesley but to also get drunk after sneaking out was totally unlike the girl they had spent the last couple of years with. Maybe the Raven they first knew but not the one who had taken the duty of being a slayer with such seriousness.
His absence from the family contributed to the problem. That he knew. Everyone was having problems dealing with the changes. From Journey all the way up to Buffy. Even if she wouldn’t say so. Sometimes it felt like vines were growing between them, except they were ones that grew thorns that dug into his skin. Buffy needed him with her. She wouldn’t admit it. Guilt filled him. But as he opened his mouth to tell her he was coming home, Kate entered the room.
“Spike, Buffy?” Kate said.
“Is she okay?” Buffy asked, pulling away from Spike and sitting up. “Did something change?”
“No, she’s still sleeping,” Kate hastened to reassure them. She took a seat on the chair next to the couch. “Her vitals are strong so at this point I think she just needs to sleep off the effects of the alcohol and rophynol.”
“I…I asked you earlier,” Buffy started, but she stopped to stare at her hands. She twisted them in the way she always did when she was upset. It took her a moment to compose herself again. Spike rubbed her back while she reined back the tears that were threatening her composure. Finally she looked back up at them. “What did that bastard do to her?”
“Buffy,” Kate said, reaching over to cover Buffy’s hands with her own. “I performed a full examination of her. There was no sign of penetration…either vaginally or anally. There is bruising on her inner thighs, breasts and several bite marks on her throat and shoulders. And before you ask they were normal human teeth imprints.”
Although he hadn’t seen any evidence of the act being completed, it was still a relief to hear that Raven had been spared from that final humiliation. Spike still wanted the bastard’s blood to be spilled. It was something that he couldn’t let go unpunished. Or even let the law handle. This was personal. This was his daughter. It was up to him as the alpha male to handle it.
“Even if you weren’t enough of a father to get to her in time,” Spike told himself as the guilt tore at his heart.
“Did she say anything to you?” Buffy asked, pulling Spike from his thoughts of revenge.
“Not a lot,” Kate said, shaking her head. “She was too out of it to really be able to comprehend anything. And it’s like I told her when you were there. The toxins in her system would only magnify her emotional state. It’s best for her not to think about it until she has a clear head.”
Buffy nodded. “Thanks Kate, I really appreciate you being here.”
“I’m going to get the two of you some blankets and pillows,” Kate said, standing. “Then I’m going to check on Raven before I head upstairs to check on my own family.”
In a few minutes they were alone again. Spike lay down on the couch, letting Buffy settle against him before tucking them under the blanket. He didn’t really think that either of them would sleep but this way they could hold each other. It was what he really needed anyway. Buffy’s strength. Things had certainly changed over the years. Once he was the one who held them together. But now she took care of him as much as he did of her. It felt good. Like a partnership. It was why he needed to return home. So, they could hold not only each up but let their bond strengthen their family.
“Thank you,” Buffy said. Her fingers drifted along his side. “For finding her for me…for us. I was so scared.”
“Me, too,” Spike whispered. “I’ve only felt that kind of horrified fear for one other person…Dawn.”
“Yeah, I remember,” Buffy replied with a small chuckle. “Halloween night and she decides to take off with a vampire. Damn, you would have thought that girl would have a vamp radar or something.”
“What is with you women?” Spike asked. “You get your ego bruised so you have to run off and do something stupid that doesn’t really make you look good.”
“Men,” Buffy said, turning her face up to kiss his chin. “You make us crazy.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Slayer.”
“I’ll be happy when this part of our life is over,” Buffy whispered. “I never want to be separated from you again.”
“What’s coming, Buffy? What do you see in that crystal ball of yours?”
His fingers crossed, praying she wouldn’t lie to him or put him off.
“The end of you, then us, and finally of the world.”
Spike closed his eyes. She gave him his freedom because it would be his choice. His responsibility if everything fell apart. He needed to decide where his loyalties lay. His weaknesses taunted him and for the first time in forever it was Donna on his mind when he went to sleep.
But he dreamed of Dylan.
~~~~~~~~
Journey opened her eyes. She blinked back the darkness, trying to find something that was familiar. She smelled the tang of the ocean, saw the outlines of the furniture, smelt her father’s essence surrounding her and could hear the waves crashing on the shore. Along with a softer sound. Breathing…labored breathing. She scrambled from the bed to investigate.
Mummy and Daddy weren’t back yet, she realized as she woke up a little more. Raven had to be hurt bad if they were still gone. No one had paid attention to her when Mummy kept hurting. She heard all the talk. It confused her. All she did know was that Raven was in trouble and her parents had gone to find her. She hoped her sister was okay.
The whole house was dark and it made her hesitate. The darkness held bad things. Everyone knew that. Daddy always left lights along the halls at home so she could always see what was there. Not here. She lifted her head and sniffed the air. It was just like in the bedroom. The scent of her family lingered in the air. The soap and the cologne they used couldn’t mask the individual aroma that each one carried. It wasn’t strong enough for them to be there. It was only a ghost of the true essence. She sorted through the olfactory input to identify who was home. In the house was Cordelia, Molly and something else besides her.
Journey’s eyes opened wide as a shadow danced across the living room wall. A gasp from Angel’s room made her break contact with whatever it was. She took off at a breakneck speed to the master bedroom. Not stopping to knock, she darted inside, and closed the door behind her. Her breathing was almost a pant and her little heart was pounding in her chest. Whatever was out there was scarier than the First had ever been. She knew it hadn’t come for her. It was there for Cordelia.
“Joy,” Cordelia called.
“Cordy.”
Journey approached the bed and the feeble hand reaching for her. She wrapped her small hands around it.
“You okay?” Joy asked.
Fear overwhelmed her. She didn’t want to be alone with Cordelia if she died. She was a little girl. What could she do? She’d seen shots being given to her aunt. There was a whole bunch of medicines on the table, but she didn’t know what was what. She wasn’t even supposed to be in this room.
“Yeah,” Cordy said. She gave a weak squeeze to the hands holding hers. “Is Molly still here?”
“She’s sleeping on the couch,” Journey said, looking over her shoulder. “There’s something else…out there.”
“It won’t hurt you, baby. It’s waiting for me to give up.”
“I don’t want you to give up,” Journey said.
“It’s not time,” Cordelia said. “Not tonight anyway. Do you want to sleep with me until they get home?”
Journey didn’t give a reply. She climbed up into the bed, being careful not to hurt Cordelia with any of her movements. Her Angel had told Daddy that Cordy was so thin that there wasn’t any padding to protect her from pain. Joy settled onto Angel’s side of the bed while Cordy pulled the covers over her.
“Thank you,” Joy said. “Are you scared, too?”
“Sometimes I am.” Cordy said. She smiled. “I won’t hurt anymore when it’s over though.”
“Oh.” It took a moment for Joy to process that information. Death was nothing new to her. She’d seen it several times. In battles mostly, once in the bathroom upstairs at home but none of them wanted to die. Those were deaths caused by the First. Because he was stronger than they were. For Cordelia to welcome it because it would relieve her suffering was something she hadn’t considered.
“But Angel will miss you and so, will I.”
“I know,” Cordelia said, brushing back Joy’s hair. “I’ll miss you both. But I know you’ll take care of each other so you won’t be alone.”
Journey nodded with enthusiasm. “I’ll take care of my Angel.”
“Now remember,” Cordelia said. “Angel gets all broody and you’ll need to kick him in the butt to get him out of it. He also likes to make decisions on his own because he thinks he needs to be in control. Grab him by the ear and tell him he needs to talk to people. And mostly he needs to be reminded that he’s okay. He doesn’t need to be perfect and all he can do is the best that he can. And that’s enough.”
The first two pieces of advice made Joy giggle. The last one made her nod her head in solemn agreement. It was like with Daddy. The two vampires both felt they owed the world everything they had. Sometimes forgetting they couldn’t fix it all.
“I’ll remember,” Journey promised.
Journey yawned, cuddling closer to Cordelia. Everything was okay and she didn’t have to be scared. Not yet anyway.
to be continued…
Chapter 30 – Away from the Sun
'Cause now I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
3 Doors Down
It hadn't been planned. It was just an instinctive need for them to gather to discuss what was going on under their very noses. The Slayers going wild couldn't be blamed all on one person, but it fell upon the shoulders of everyone accountable to them.
Although, the leaders concerned were all too ready to point the blame at each other. After the girls were dismissed Giles, followed by Angel, Max, Faith and the ever present annoyance that was Dylan gathered in the head Watcher's office.
Angel refused to acknowledge his childe's partner, even with a glance as he sat in a heavy leather chair by the desk. Max remained standing with his arms crossed hoping to intimidate the man Faith was sitting next to. Giles had hurried off to get a fresh pot of tea for them. The room was fraught with tension. No one wanted to be the first to introduce the subject that was weighing heavily on their minds.
Even though he tried to make it appear like he was studying his fingernails, Angel was busy observing the others. He didn't feel particularly guilty over the situation. He was really only a name on the masthead of the school. These people were there on a daily basis. It was their job and responsibility to run the school. He left them in charge to train the Slayers, and to keep everyone in line. There should already have been rules in place to ensure the girls were kept in line with a strict adherence to them. Discipline was everything.
"I'm sorry it took so long," Giles apologized, hurrying into the room with the tea tray unaware of the tension there. He took a seat in the matching mate of the chair that Angel sat in. "The cook had put the tea kettle in the cabinet and I couldn't locate it right away."
"Its fine, Giles," Faith said, sitting up to pour the tea. This wasn't her first time doing this chore, as she proceeded to fix Giles a cup without asking how he liked it, then Max's. It was only when she was pouring a cup for Angel that she looked up. "Sugar, cream?"
"Neither," Angel replied with a smile, reaching for the cup.
Faith next prepared a cup for Dylan heavy with sugar and cream. Angel surmised the worthless pup wasn't enough of a man and had to drink like a child would. Dylan met his eyes for a moment. There was defiance in their depths but without his protector, Spike, there he soon broke eye contact with the unflinching vampire.
"I feel that we need to put some type of alarm system on the building," Giles said, being the first to speak up. "We can no longer operate on a trust system."
"Agreed," Angel said. "There are a few people I trust outside the Wolfram & Hart organization to do the job. I'll give their name and number to Max before I leave tonight."
"Very good," Giles said. "How do all of you feel about not letting the girls leave the premises for any reason for a period of two weekends? If they are cooped up here, they might come to appreciate their freedom a little more."
"It sounds like an excellent idea," Max said, rocking back on his feet. "However, I feel that addressing the staff on their own behavior around the girls is also a good idea."
"We have our regularly scheduled meeting on Tuesday," Giles said, sitting back in his chair. "This whole situation will be discussed in length with input on solutions from all the staff members. Of course, I will reiterate that our behavior influences them, but I have a feeling you are referring to someone in particular."
"I think he's talking about me," Faith said, standing so she was on the same level as her accuser. "Aren't you?"
The room was laden with unresolved issues between the two facing off. Pain flickered across Max's countenance before he hid it carefully behind a mask of indifference. Faith's emotions were easily read on her features. A mixture of defiance, hurt, confusion and guilt fought for dominance. The two would soon be losing sight of the most important issue here and turn it into a personal battle. One they couldn't afford to indulge at the moment.
"Both of you sit down right now," Angel said. He stood so Max could have his seat then turned to address Giles. "I think Max was referring to the fact that the girls learned of the clubs from Faith."
"Is this true, Faith?"
"I don't make it a habit to go around giving details about my personal life to the girls."
"Is there a chance they might have overheard you?" Angel asked. "I believe that you wouldn't confide in them, but there may have been discussions they eavesdropped on or perhaps a comment about what you did over the weekend that might have given them ideas."
Faith sighed and turned her eyes down to stare at her hands clenched together. However the girls had found out, it wasn't intentionally given to them by Faith. She was trying her best to fit in, to be a responsible adult, and still be a friend to her charges. It was hard enough for anyone to balance the two, much less someone like Faith who had very few role models growing up.
"It's possible," Faith admitted.
"You haven't done anything wrong," Dylan gloated, setting his cup down on the table. "Don't let them bully you into taking blame for this."
"You stay out of it," Max warned, leaning forward. "Faith has got to see that everything she does influences those girls. Buffy is married and that is so far out of their realm of thinking that they turn to Faith to be their role model. She has to watch every move she makes around them."
"You're just jealous," Dylan said, scooting forward on the sofa. "Faith threw you aside and is having more fun with me so you want to squash it. Kill her spirit."
"Stop it," Angel growled. "Dylan, back off, no one here is going to lay all the blame on Faith. We are all on a learning curve here. Faith included. So, we are going to have to take our lumps as they come and try to do better."
The pup sat back but he continued to glare at the three men that surrounded him. Faith hadn't said anything else so Dylan had to be feeling left out in the cold. He couldn't bluff his way through all of them without support from someone else.
"Max is right," Faith said, sighing. "I…I did tell one of the girls about my date with Dylan on Saturday. He and I went to that club last weekend."
"What the hell are you doing taking her to dives like that?" Max yelled. He jumped to his feet again. "My god what kind of idiotic fool are you?"
"She was having fun," Dylan spat, standing to face off with the older man. "It's something that you wouldn't understand how to do, old man."
Angel stepped between them. "Dylan, you need to leave."
"You can't just kick me out," Dylan postured. "I'm here on an invitation from Spike."
"I really don't care," Giles said, standing. "Your presence is having a very negative effect and the sooner you are gone, the sooner we can all settle things in a responsible manner."
"Fine, don't want to be around a bunch of old suits anyway. You coming with me, Faith?" Dylan asked, holding his hand out.
Faith shook her head. Tears were running down her cheeks as she looked from one to the other. "No, my place is here, Dylan. I was wrong and I need to find a way to make amends. Call me tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah, whatever," Dylan said, before turning to walk away, slamming the door behind him.
"Faith," Max said.
"No, don't," Faith said, holding her hand up. "I can't deal with you right now. Can we continue this tomorrow?"
"Of course, Faith," Giles said, placing his hand on her shoulder. "It's late and it has been a very rough night on us all. Go get some rest and we'll talk tomorrow."
"Thank you," she said, leaving even as she spoke. It was obvious the burden of guilt was weighing heavily on her. At least they could be relieved by her behavior that she took the burden of being a role model seriously.
"Max, don't be so hard on her," Angel said. "She's trying."
The younger man ran a hand through his hair as he heaved a sigh. "I know. I'm just frustrated with the whole situation. She has so much potential and she wants to throw it all away on having fun with a lying two bit punk like Dylan."
"I think we all can agree with you there," Giles said, with a smile. "We need to be patient with her though and try to show her the difference through our behavior. Faith doesn't take to ultimatums or force very well." He held his hand up. "And I do understand the urgency of this situation which has to be separate from her relationship with either you or Dylan."
"I understand," Max said, nodding. "She's right. It's late and I'm reacting instead of dealing so unless there's something else I'm going to check in on Buffy and Spike then head back to my place."
"Yes, yes," Giles said, taking his glasses off and pinching his nose. "I think we'll all be able to think better after some much needed rest."
"I'll walk with you," Angel said.
After a quick goodnight to Giles, the two men headed to check in on their friends. Angel finding humor in the fact that Max and he had finally found common ground. They both hated the new man in their group with a fiery burning passion. Knowing his luck, Angel would eventually become friends with the man walking beside him. There were enough reasons for them to be, but he decided Max would have to be the one to initiate it. Angel still had to have the upper hand according to his rank and file in his traditional way of thinking.
The waning evening sky stretched out before him in endless promises of heaven. The ground beneath his feet was the rocky sand of the desert. To his right was a small isle of greenery, thick with trees and bushes. It was no place he'd ever been before, but somehow Elijah felt comfortable here. He looked down at his hands, at the dark hair that littered the back of his fingers. He wasn't a boy anymore but a man. This was who he would be one day. There wasn't a mirror or even a pool of water to see what he looked like. But his body was well muscled, his hands calloused and his hair was pulled back in a ponytail. There was nothing soft about him. Not even his heart as he felt the pull of despair within him. The world had fallen from his grasp. Now it was only the barren land he stood upon.
"Look around you, boy," The First declared, appearing before him. No dead shell to hide in. The beast stood proudly in his natural state. A fiery demon encased the black heart of a being who had feasted on all the sins of the world. They had fed him well when they had turned upon one another. "This is all that's left of your world. Your people are buried under the rocks that were once their cities. No one could stand firm in the truth. They have all failed you."
"No, you lie," Elijah declared. His family wouldn't let him down. His father had promised. "This is a trick. A mind fuck to make me believe you."
Claws reached for him, blood dripping from the fingertips, but then one bony digit pointed to the small oasis. "See for yourself."
Deep within a tree, a bird hopped onto the edge of a nest. Its cackle echoed around them in a last gasp of hope. Elijah shaded his eyes with his hand to see more clearly. The bird flapped its mighty wings and took off. Silhouetted against the sky, Elijah recognized it as a raven. A chill ran through him as he watched the bird fly off, away from its home, and toward the left.
"No one left to carry the message you bear," The First taunted.
In that moment he knew they were losing.
The next moment he woke up still a little boy safe in his home. He searched for his sister within the fathomless world of his soul. The pain was overwhelming as he opened the barrier between them. Then it faded as the gate closed again. Raven didn't welcome his presence. She refused to answer his pleas and he knew she was succumbing to her own fears.
He rolled from the bed, racing down the hallway to the guest room where Connor slept. Not bothering to knock he barreled into the room, stopping only when he reached the bedside.
"Connor, wake up," Elijah called, shaking his friend's shoulder. "Please, wake up."
"What's the matter?" Connor asked, sitting up and pushing his hair away from his face. He reached for the boy. "Are you all right?"
"It's Raven," Elijah said, grabbing the hands extended to him. "She's in trouble."
Connor didn't waste time. He jumped from the bed and headed for the phone in one liquid movement. His fingers were dialing the phone and Elijah hoped that they weren't too late.
Someone was crying for her. Buffy opened her eyes, assessing the situation. The sound was muffled. It was Raven who was weeping. Spike was holding her tight against him and it took her a moment to extricate herself from his grasp. He moaned when she stood.
"Shush, luv," Buffy murmured, stroking his cheek until he quieted again. She sighed as she accepted that her words a few hours ago had shaken him to the core. His sleep had been erratic. He thrashed around, mumbling words that didn't make sense to her. But she knew he dreamed of them. The ones who spoke to a part of him that she couldn't reach. She could only hope that if he knew his choices mattered beyond their marriage, it would help him make the right ones.
Free from Spike, Buffy hurried into the clinic and to her daughter's side.
"Raven, I'm here, baby," Buffy said. Her fingers brushed the girl's hair from her face. "Are you in pain, sweetie? Do you want me to call Kate?"
"No," Raven said. "Don't call anyone. I don't want to see anyone."
"Okay, whatever you want."
Raven rolled over on her back. She pushed her mother's hand away from her.
"I've decided that I'm leaving. My parent's trust fund became available to me when I turned eighteen. I'm going to use that to go away."
"Why?"
Raven's announcement couldn't have stunned her more. In only two days her daughter's personality had completely turned around. Buffy stared at her then slowly shook her head hoping it would help. It didn't. Her feelings of loss sifted through her memories until it found what it needed. She was a failure again. Dawn being drug out of the house by social services because she couldn't handle the responsibility. If she was a good mother, she would know what to say to comfort Raven. Her daughter wouldn't feel the need to run away from her.
"Raven, I understand," Buffy tried again. She covered the girl's hand with her own. "Please, talk to me. I love you so much and I want to help you get through this."
"Leave," Raven ordered. "I don't want to talk to any of you. I'll be gone in the morning."
"I know things are confusing right now," Buffy said. "But you don't have to be alone."
"No, for the first time things are perfectly clear," Raven said. "I don't belong here."
A chill ran through Buffy as she stared into Raven's usually vibrant blue eyes. They were cold as ice. It was as if the soul that fueled them was gone. There was no warmth, no link between the two women left. Raven was cut off from her as surely as if she was already gone.
In the corner where neither saw a figure watched, laughing in glee at his victory.
"One down and four on the way," it said, slowly waning away into the darkness.
to be continued…
Author's Note: The raven is considered to be a messenger of the gods. Its legend also says that a raven leaving its home and flying to the left are both bad omens.
Chapter 31 – Fallen Angel
I hold on to nothing
I am without guilt
I take all you have
I take all you've built
I feel the desire to fade away inside
I feel the need to runaway and hide
I need the pain to get me through the night
I need to face my fears, to turn and fight
Flesh Field
Max stared into his reflection as he drew the razor down his cheek. The changes brought by age appeared more prominent this morning. Or maybe he looked that way because he felt older than usual this morning. Logically, he knew that being in his thirties was still considered young. Emotionally and spiritually he was drained enough for several lifetimes. The constant battles for balance, to not only survive, but to find some measure of happiness were taking its toll on him.
Maybe he needed a vacation. Leave Los Angeles for a couple of weeks. Lie on a beach somewhere with an icy beer in his hand and forget about this war that never ended. It sounded like heaven, but knew he wouldn't do it. His duty lay here fighting along side everyone else. He was a soldier, no longer a man, and he needed to remember that. No matter how much his gut hurt in protest to that fact.
He glanced up at the clock. There was time to dawdle. He hadn't been able to sleep the night before. His mind kept dissecting and analyzing everything going on. There had to be a connection. Something they weren't seeing. It was the old adage of not seeing the forest for the trees. But he couldn't figure it out. He rinsed off his face, grabbed a towel and headed back to his bedroom.
His clothes were already laid out across his bed that had been made as soon as he woke. The sheets and blanket were soothed out with military precision. It was routine. His whole life was down to a schedule that left no room for weakness. It left you vulnerable. None of them needed that, but so many around him were falling into temptation. Their emotions were diverting them from the fight. Someone had to be in control. Since he only had himself to worry about, he elected himself into that role. The weight of the responsibility was almost unbearable though.
After dressing, Max headed to the kitchen of his small apartment to make his breakfast. His usual pot of hot coffee and a bowl of cold cereal was all he needed or took time for during the week. While the coffee brewed, he unfolded the newspaper and put it on the table then poured his cereal into a bowl that never got into the cabinet. He used it, washed it, put it into the drainer then it would be used the next morning.
This morning though he was restless. The routine irritated rather than soothed him. He let his mind wander for a moment. A familiar fantasy weaved its spell. Faith here beside him, teasing him about his prissy ways, and him kissing her good morning. She would be laughing, her hair still messy from bed and her pajamas hanging on her hips showing off the softness of her belly. It would never happen though. Not for him. Not for her. Daydreaming was an indulgence that only interrupted his life. It would be for the best for him to remember that.
Max was pouring his coffee when the doorbell rang. It was such an unaccustomed sound that it took him a moment to figure out where the shrill bell was coming from. His footsteps were cautious as he approached his entrance hall. He reached for his gun laying on the side table then told himself he was a fool and left it where it was. He did peer through the peephole before opening the door. It was Faith. She was looking around the hallway, dancing in place. He swung the door open and waited for her to speak first.
"Hey, Max," Faith said, with a small wave. "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by." She gave a small laugh and scuffed her shoe against the rug.
"You don't need an excuse," Max assured her as he stepped back to let her in. She smiled her appreciation as she walked by him. "Would you like a cup of coffee or anything?"
"No, I'm fine," she replied, shaking her head. She took a seat on the edge of the couch. Her purse tucked against her as if she wanted to be ready for a hasty flight.
It was almost too surreal to have her at his place. The whole time they were dating she'd never visited. He watched her looking his place over. From the heavy leather couch and chairs, to the small office space in one corner and the bookcases on either side of the fireplace. It was a comfortable apartment, decorated with things he'd picked out. It was his first home since Brianna's death. Nothing remained from those days so it had taken him awhile to fill the place up. Faith had helped a little, Buffy more, and Cordelia the most. They contributed the little touches that converted it from a bachelor pad to a home.
"It's really nice, Max," Faith said, her eyes settling on him. "I like it."
"Thank you," he replied, opting for politeness. It wasn't like he could say what he really wanted to say to her. That he wanted her to stay. That it could be her place too. Ask her if she wanted to see the bedroom and more. He sighed. "Did you need something? I know this isn't a social call."
"I wanted to talk to you about…everything away from the Hyperion," Faith stammered, running her hands along her jeans covered thighs. "I really didn't mean for anything to happen to the girls. It's tearing me up inside about what happened to Raven." She sighed then glanced down at the floor. "I'm trying, Max, I really am. I just…"
"I know you are, Faith," Max said. It surprised him that she wanted his approval. It also gave him hope. But he was afraid to latch onto it. "I didn't mean to lay all the blame on you either. It's just…sometimes you don't think things through."
"I know." She stood and wandered over to the window, looking out over the busy street below. "There are things I wish I could tell you but I can't. Make you understand…" She shrugged.
"Are you in love with Dylan?" Max asked, standing. "Is this what this call is about? To make sure I know my place?"
"No, god, no," Faith declared, with a smile. "I'm not in love with Dylan. I'm not serious about him and I'm not sleeping with him. He's…" she cast her eyes down, "fun. And if he's busy with me then maybe he's leaving Spike alone. Can you understand that?"
"I understand that you value having fun too much," Max scolded. His voice was sharper than he intended. "You need to be serious especially now when things are getting so out of hand. We need you focused."
"I know," Faith said so quietly he could barely hear her. "I don't want to screw this up. Not this time."
"You won't," Max reassured as he pulled her into a hug. "Not if you keep trying."
She sank into his arms with a soft sigh. He just didn't understand why she couldn't love him. Why she kept herself at arms length. He loved her just the way she was. Would accept her bad traits and all and he would prove it if she would just give him the chance.
"I'm so proud of you, Faith," he whispered. "I've never known anyone who has changed their life as much as you have."
"Thank you. It means a lot coming from you."
He wasn't sure of how long they stood there holding each other. Neither of them seemed to want to move from the comfort of each other's arms. He captured every nuance of the moment in his heart to be able to reflect on it later because he was afraid he would never hold her again.
The sound of arguing pulled Spike from the harshness of his dreams. It took him a second to orient himself as to where he was and why. The frightened tone of Buffy's voice brought it all flooding back to him. Raven, the night, the rush of overwhelming emotions and Buffy's words that only reinforced his decision to return home. If things rested on his choices then the only one that was possible was to be beside his family.
Spike rushed into the clinic as Raven screeched something about leaving. The two women didn't even notice him as he hurried to their side.
"What's going on?" Spike asked, turning from one to the other. He ran a hand through his sleep tousled curls trying to force his brain into alertness.
"Raven's determined to leave home," Buffy said.
"I don't belong here," Raven said. "Can't you understand that?"
Both of his girls were on the edge of hysteria. It flowed between them like a rampant river that was about to burst through the weakening damn. There wasn't time for him to hesitate. He reached over to take Buffy's hand.
"Baby, go get some fresh air," he said, tugging her up. She followed his direction. Her eyes were wild in the sleepiness of her worried face. He kissed her quickly. "Let me talk to her."
He was ready to take back control as head of the family. Buffy nodded, hurrying toward the door. Things weren't this out of sync before he left home. Their idea for him to leave hadn't been the best thing in his mind. They were all falling apart. He was determined to see them through. Make things right again.
"You're not going to talk me into staying," Raven declared, glaring at him in determined defiance.
"You're an adult," Spike said, sitting in the chair vacated by Buffy. "I can't force you to do anything. I think it's the wrong decision though."
"Why? Because it messes with your idea of who I'm supposed to be."
"No, because you don't run from your mistakes," Spike said. "You need to stay here and face things."
"Oh, you're the fine one to talk. Mr. I have to sniff everyone's butts and hey, if they don't smell better than my wife's I'll go back home."
Somehow he had to maintain control over his turbulent emotions. Spike threw his head back, taking a deep calming breath as he tried to wrestle away the anger brought on by her accusatory words. It was the truth though and he couldn't argue with her there. He knew she was looking for what would hurt him the most, to try and divert the conversation away from herself. It was hard though. The man he was years ago would have accepted the bait. The man he was now was still struggling but trying was so bloody hard.
"I've made mistakes," Spike finally stated, returning his gaze to his daughter. "I've paid for them. And most of all I've faced up to them. No matter what you think or feel I don't want Dylan. Buffy is my wife and I love her above everyone else."
"Aren't you just Mr. Perfect?"
"Damn it, Raven," Spike yelled, standing up so fast that it sent the chair flying backwards. "This is about you, not me; you're the one who fucked up."
"Yeah, almost being raped was my fault, asshole," Raven screamed. She crawled off the bed, wrapping the sheet around her. She was crying. "Thanks a lot for the support, Daddy."
"No, that wasn't your fault," Spike whispered. He reached for her but she backed away. "I'm sorry, so sorry about what happened. I heard you crying for me and I tried…I tried so hard to get to you before you were hurt. I'll never forget what that bastard did and he'll pay…"
"Shut up. I don't want to hear about your fucking guilt because you failed again. You're always messing up, Spike. This whole family is going down the drain because of you."
Spike slapped her. The crack from his hand against her face bounced off the walls, echoing in his head. All he could hear was the voices of his past tearing him to pieces. His own daughter, he told himself, hates you and she has every right to. Tears blinded him as he tried to find solid ground in the tidal wave of pain she gave him. When would it end? When would his life ever matter? They stared at each other in mutual shock at where they had ended up. A gulf developing between them that Spike feared could never be breeched.
"It's not his fault, Raven," Connor's voice interrupted them. The door shut behind him. "He's right. You made the mistakes and you want to lay the blame on everyone else."
"Get out," Raven screeched. "I never want to see you again. Get out."
"Spike, I know you have every reason to hate me, right now," Connor said, laying a hand on the vampire's shoulder. "But please let me talk to her."
If anyone could reach her, maybe it was the man who had sent her on the downward spiral to begin with. Spike knew he couldn't do it no matter how much he loved her. She knew every raw spot in his soul and was all too willing to scratch each one. He reached out for her but she avoided him again. It was too late for them.
"I love you, Raven," Spike said, then turned and walked away.
"I told you to get away from me," Raven shouted, her body trembling from the force of her emotions.
From the first word from Elijah that she was in trouble, Connor had been in motion from the phone call to Cordelia, the trip to Los Angeles with Elijah, a hurried conversation with his father at dawn, then the ride here. His whole relationship with Raven was not what he wanted or planned. Once he would have been willing to take what he could get from her. He would have made love to her a long time ago, but he wanted more than sex. He wanted Raven to be beside him forever and if it meant waiting for her to finish growing up, he was willing to do it. She wanted everything now though.
"It's too late for that," Connor replied, sitting on one of the beds. Patience was something he did have. That and the ability to turn his emotions off when he needed to focus on something. "I told you I loved you. It hasn't changed and I'm going to be the one to see you through this."
"Go to hell."
"Would it be too cliché for me to say that I've already been there?"
"Son of a bitch," Raven swore. He watched as she picked up the phone and called Rona to bring her clothes. "Yeah, I'm getting out of here. Anywhere as long as it's not here," she said into the receiver. She glanced at him then took a seat on a chair, facing away from him. "I'm not going to talk to you."
"You don't need to," Connor said. "I'll wait 'til you're ready."
"Ever."
He shrugged. "Then we'll do this in total silence."
"Leave me alone."
"No, I won't. If you won't go with me voluntarily then I'll follow you. There's no place you can go that I won't be able to find you. You know that as well as I do."
"Where do you want to take me?" Raven asked and he almost smiled. It was all he needed to know that all that anger was bravado. Inside she still needed him. This time he would be there for her. Not on her terms or his. They would find the compromise they needed.
"Essie's ranch," Connor said. He held his hand up when she opened her mouth. "Not for you to talk to her in anyway. There's a cabin she said we can use. Just you and me. A place to unwind, and for us to talk things out. Figure out where we're going to go from here."
"You already talked to her?"
Connor stood. He brushed back Raven's hair with his fingertips. "Yeah, I did. She said it was cool. You going to go?"
"I…I'm all fucked up," Raven whispered.
"For now, not always."
She nodded. "Yeah, I'll go." She leaned forward and he took her against him. Protecting what was his was his first priority. Raven needed the time to recuperate from her emotional wounds before she faced the others. Before she could make amends. Everything had its own timing. And this was theirs.
Some old saying kept replaying in Spike's mind. Something about changing the things you could and knowing what to leave alone. He needed to learn the difference because knowing the right thing to do was confusing the hell out of him. Following his instincts, he moved through the Hyperion looking for Buffy. It was only with her that he could find some peace. He sighed when he spotted her in the courtyard. Sitting on a bench, her eyes closed and her face turned to the morning sun. His angel warming herself, but as soon as he stepped outside she turned to him. He rushed to her and she hugged him close.
"I fucked up, Buffy," Spike said. "I only made her angrier."
"You tried," she said, running her hands along his back. "It's all either of us can do. She's grown up and has moved beyond us. If anyone can reach her, it'll be him."
"I don't think I'm ready to let go.
"Neither am I," Buffy said, kissing his neck. "It's hard but we have to."
"Is she going to come back?"
"I don't know, Spike, I just don't know."
Spike moved back so that he could look into her eyes.
"Can I come back home, Buffy?"
"Yeah, you can," she replied, kissing him.
Pulling her onto his lap, he deepened the kiss. Loving her was the best thing to ever happen to him. He knew it. And he would prove it to her, if she would let him.
to be continued…