Chapter Five ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Crash and Burn~~

It had been three weeks since the incident with Spike, and Buffy had yet to see him in all that time. He never said "hello" any more, he didn't even answer the door if she went to the house, he ignored her banging and her pleading him too at least let her know he was okay. The incident had answered a lot of questions Buffy had about Imogen's mom, but it had erupted to even more unanswered questions about him, and strangely enough even more about her. Where did the Summers' family fit, where did she fit, and where did he fit into the jigsaw, that had become her life? And why in the hell where there still missing pieces?

She thought about all the tension in his life; losing his wife, his self blame in an impossible situation, being a single parent, and yet something else loomed under the surface, something that she couldn't put her finger on. Great conflict swirled within him, its origins where certainly unclear, and their potential outcomes unpredictable. Just where this was leading she was unsure of, but one thing was clear, he needed people around him at the moment, whether he liked it or not.

He would speak to her mother and Dawn but not her, and that hurt. The fact that she knew, that she was beginning to have feelings for him was irrelevant. The fact that she felt ignored was the worst feeling that you could give to anyone else, intentionally or not. The avoidance was just as bad, in some ways even worse, he seemed to leave before she even got up, and was never home before dusk. He would come home and soon after send Dawn on her way, with a fist full of cash for babysitting Imogen. She had tried the old, 'I'll catch you letting Dawn out', but the look he had on his face said it all.

Leave me alone!!!

Buffy was stumped over why he was treating her this way, and she had refused to tell anyone about what he'd said to her that day in his bedroom. But it was ridiculous. How long could he keep it up? They had to come to stumble upon each other eventually, '~and how awkward was that going to be? ~'.

But life had to move forward even if he didn't.......

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Life resumed its normal patterns over the next few weeks, and Buffy had given up at trying making sure everything was alright next door. The events still worried her, as she made her way around her college classes, sometimes even interfering with her concentration, which on more than one occasion had her being caught out 'lost in space' by her teachers. Her friends began to wonder what was worrying the girl, that it interfered with her studies so much, she hadn't been like this for over a year, and they feared that she was reverting back to unwanted behaviours.

"So Buffy what's the deal, I mean..... You've been real quiet lately?" Willow asked of Buffy, as the friends sat on the greens of the college's gardens, having lunch waiting for the others to arrive.

"What do you mean Will?"

"Well you've been, you know, all 'Miss Quiet' and 'Miss Universy' the last couple of weeks."

"'Miss Universy', that's a new one even for you." Buffy laughed at Willows attempts to describe her over the last couple of weeks.

"Um I mean...well I kinda mean...um...you know you've been kinda 'out there' in class, like you're in another universe or something.", Willow began to stumble on her words, "An alternate universe if you like, and you haven't been paying much attention in class sometimes. So what gives?"

Buffy was silent for awhile contemplating whether she should tell her what had been plaguing her mind, and maybe it might make things easier for her if she did. Maybe she should lay her cards on the table and show her hand. Willow was a good friend and had always been there, when she really had needed her.

"Okay let's say hypothetically, that I have a crush on a man and he's ignoring me for something that he told me in confidence, okay. And I don't know what to do about it?"

"Hypothetically you say, or do you mean for real, because if its for real then that would be okay you know. Especially after last year, they would be good feelings, even if the guy was ignoring you. And ohhhhh gossip, what did he tell you that makes him all the 'I can't face her' type?"

"Will, this is all hypothetical you know!" Buffy became very self conscience not being to be able to look at her in the eye.

"What's hypothetical??" A male voice came from behind the girls, they turned to see both Tara and Xander a few feet behind them, looking quite interested in their conversation.

"Buffy has a hypothetical man in her life, whose ignoring her", Willow burst forth the little details, being unable to keep a secret from her friends. Since the incident last year that had caused so much bleakness in her life, she was happy that at last someone had caught Buffy's eye and was starting to break down the walls.

"Wow Buff, that's just great! Does this hypothetical man have a name?" Xander asked of his friend, plonking his backside next to her.

"Buffy?" Tara asked her in her soft voice, not really wanting to push the issue, but being more sensitive to the other girls' needs.

"Yeah, its Mr Gordo who else?", Buffy was just a little irate at Willow at that point, but the 'cat was out of the bag now', and she felt the redness begin to creep into her face.

"Since when did Mr Gordo inspire such creative colours in your face Buffy, come on, spill!" Xander wanted to know all.

"Well mayyybe Buffy doesn't want to. Do you Buffy?" Tara tried to stand up for her. "It's her decision if, and when she wants to tell us."

All three set of eyes focused on her, looking at her in hope that she would say or indicate something to them that she had indeed moved on. Buffy felt like a corpse in a morgue being made ready for an autopsy, all sliced and diced ready to be examined. She knew that they meant well, and they were all concerned for her, but ...and there was always a 'but'. It was that 'but' that made the words stick in her throat, she couldn't explain why she felt a hesitation; maybe it was self survival, and she didn't want to put anyone's hopes up.

"Ummmmm...I don't know what to say? I don't know if I can!"

The look of hurt screamed off Xander in silence, he didn't have to say anything; his hurt was plastered all over his face. He'd always been a little sensitive where Buffy had been concerned; he treated her like family, especially since his own hadn't really given a damn about him. His friends had become his family, in fact she'd kinda of become the honorary sister he never had, since he knew that she'd never see him any other way, except in a brotherly fashion.

"So you can tell Willow. But not us, is that what you're saying?"

"Look I don't know what I can say, or not say......" Buffy was beginning to go as white as a ghost. She didn't want to hurt his feelings, but she just didn't want to gush everything out of her system, at this point in time. Xander reacted by getting up and brushing off his pants from the grass.

"Look Xan, it's just probably a girl thing at the moment", Willow was trying to calm the man down, and yet at the same time come to the defence of her friend.

"So... secret women's business?" Xander quickly retreated back, the one thing he didn't need was a 'Crabby Buffy', as she was likely to turn into 'Cave-Buffy', and hit him over the head with her bag, if he wasn't careful.

"Looks like its no more 'hypothetical guy' discussion." Willow just grinned towards her friends.

"Right no more discussion!" Xander conferred with Willow, looking at Buffy's embarrassed facial expressions.

"So what are we going to do after class today?" Tara asked the group, trying to deflect the subject away from Buffy, and refocus the group on more pleasant conversation.

"I have a huge assignment to write that's due in tomorrow, so count me out. And I think I promised Anya I'd be home early for a change?" Xander replied.

"Xander please tell me that it isn't your Modern English essay that's due!!!" Willow looked shocked that he hadn't done it.

"And."

"And that's a 10,000 word assignment and you haven't written it! How on earth are you going to finish it before tomorrow?" Shock was written all over her face.

"I will, I will. Doesn't the Xan Man always get the job done?"

"Yeah Xander, just don't ring me at 4.30 in the morning like you did last time, because you've got writers block!!" Buffy commented on his lack of doing assignments on time, and ringing her at awful times of the night in need of help.

"Me either!" Tara added, she didn't need the interruption either.

"But Tara I never ring you?"

"No you ring Willow and wake me up, remember the phones on my side of the bed."

"Don't worry sweetie, we'll disconnect the phone when we get home, ok!" Willow said putting her hand into Tara's reassuringly, "And turn off all the cell phones too!"

"Hey what, no 'Phone a Friend' options! Please people don't desert me!!!" Xander pleaded.

"Sorry Xander, you're on your own! And speaking of studying, I better get to the library, I have a big paper to write, and so little time." Buffy got up and began to brush her skirt, "Anyone coming?"

"Me," Tara said as she moved off the grass, "See you later Xander. Will see you at home, ok?"

"Bye", a chorus followed the two girls as they moved off towards the library on campus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey Dad", Spike addressed his father in the dark corner of the library repository, as always his father had his head stuck in some book or another, "What's it this time, Keats or Yates?"

"Hmmm yes, what did you say son?" Spikes father addressed his son, never taking his eyes of the book.

"Dad !!"

"Umm, sorry!! How are you William?"

"Okay I suppose."

"And Imogen, hows my little grand daughter?" he finally took his eyes of the book and looked at his son, "And pray tell when are you going to bring her to see her Grandfather?"

"She's good Dad, teething, but good?"

"Good to hear it", putting the book back into its place on the shelf, "But you never answered my question. When are you going to bring her to see me? I have yet to see your own home, yet you've been in Sunnydale how long now?"

"Okay, okay Dad point made, we'll come over on the weekend." Spike offered to appease his father, "Hope you can put up with Imogen crying and howling!!!"

"I think I could put up with a few tears from the little angel, and that's not going to get you out of visiting young man!"

"Yeah okay, okay!"

"Have you heard from your mother yet?" the Professor asked his son.

"Last week, she's having a coronary about me moving over here, taking her granddaughter away from her. Reckons that she has no female role models, for her to mould herself on."

"Hmm your mother would say that," he stated shaking his head from side to side. "I think that you could find a better role model for your daughter, than your mother!!"

"Dad! Just because you two aren't married anymore, doesn't mean that you cannot get on with each other!"

"Well that remains to be seen! If your mother could just warm up, from the icicle that she is! Maybe even just to room temperature!"

"Dad! Please!"

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry, I take it back. But I still think that you could find a better female influence in Imogen's life, than your mother." Spike's father looked sharply at his son, "Speaking of which, I know that it's only been awhile since she died, but...."

"But what??"

"I mean, well...."

"Well, what Dad?"

"Well, have you met any young suitable ladies?"

"You mean 'Am I moving on with my life?', is that what you mean Dad?" Spike turned his eyes away from his father, unable to make eye contact at him, the look in his sons' eyes gave it all away.

"You have, haven't you!" the Professor's smile beamed from cheek to cheek. He'd liked his daughter-in-law, but his son had to move on with his life, and build his family again. The hope that he'd found someone was just what he needed to hear, "Where did you meet her? What does she do? How old is she? What......"

"Dad please, it's not that simple, I...we...she..." Spike interrupted his father.

"Well that's just what I hoped, that you would move on, get on with your life. I know you loved your wife, but life goes on with the living."

"Dad it's complicated."

"How? How could it be complicated?"

With some reluctance Spike filled him in on his ambiguous feelings for a particular young lady, leaving out certain details like her age and occupation, because he knew his father would plainly object. So he told a few white lies, to make it look not so bad and get his father off his back. It was bad enough his mother was trying to get him back to England, a place he never wanted to return too, because of the memories it held for him. One parent nagging him was enough.

His father absorbed all that his son was willing to tell him, but he knew that William was not telling the whole truth about the young lady. At least his son was beginning to move away from his deep sorrow, and hopefully would rejoin them in the light of day, out of his night of pain and torment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Professor Giles are you there?" A quiet female voice inquired behind the stack that the two men stood in front of.

"Yes Tara I'm in Y section, next aisle."

Spike watched as a pretty student move towards his father, with a pile of books in her arms, which threatened to spill at any minute. Putting them down on a nearby table, she finally turned to face the two men in front of her, looking at them, one couldn't help but feel the tension in the air; she could feel the vibrations crash over her.

"I'm sorry Professor, but if I'm interrupting?"

"No Tara, what can I help you with?"

"I need to find that text you where talking about in class Monday." Tara asked.

"Really, no ones ever even looked at it, even though I've talked about..." the Professor was interrupted again, as another person scuttled around the opposite corner that Tara had approached, right into the path of his son, crashing into each other.

"Buffy!"

"Spike!"

The look of shock recognition was blatantly over both individuals' faces, Buffy's mouth hung in mid air and Spikes' face tightened in apprehension, his face reddened as if caught out. And he was caught out...by his father. As soon as his father saw his son's reaction to the young woman, things clicked into place.

Both Tara and the Professor helped the two from the floor, and to their feet. Spike's father was astonished at his sons' lack of honesty, and hurt at the realisation that he couldn't tell him the truth. Tara was looking a little lost at the man with her professor, reaction to her friend, leaving her intrigued and bemused. It didn't take Tara long to figure it out.

"Buffy are you alright?" Tara asked her, once she was back safely on her feet.

"Um yeah, excuse me." Turning to Spike, all she could say was, "Sorry."

The look of hurt was written all over her face, the unexpected meeting had caught her off guard, and she felt out of place, not sure what to say to him. The fact that he had been ignoring her had caused her nothing but grief. He'd told her something so profound that day in his house, then to only block her out had shown what little regard, she thought he had for her. With that Buffy quickly turned and ran.

"William, I think that you have some explaining to do young man!"

"Not now Dad!"

Spike turned, moving in the direction that Buffy had taken out of the library, following her as quickly as he could. He had felt like the total wanker that he was, he'd been avoiding the inevitable for too long, and it now had blown up in his face. He thought to himself '~my life happens on occasions like this, to suck beyond the telling of it~'. It was time to face the consequences of his actions, and pray that at least she would forgive him, because he couldn't forgive himself.

Seeing her run out the front doors of the library, he quickly pursued her across the lawns and into one of the many buildings of the University. He lost her as soon as she ran into one of the buildings, standing in the foyer he looked around, hoping she would be hiding in one of the corners off the room.

"Hey, she ran that way!" One of the male students pointed towards the stair case.

Nodding his head in thanks, he ascended the staircase like a bat out of hell, taking the stairs two by two, dodging people in the staircase, nearly toppling a few as he went. At the top of the stairs, all he could see was a swarm of occupants chatting and hovering in the corridors. And what seemed one hundred and one doors, the thought of having to look in everyone just made him shudder.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught site of her flying down the corridor, making a sharp left, in an attempt to foil his plan of catching up with her. Picking up his feet, he quickly ran down in pursuit of his quarry, and caught up quickly with her. Grasping her arm, he turned her around and halted her further progression down the corridor.

"Buffy!"

Buffy refused to turn around and face her capture, bowing down her head, preferring to look at the ground, rather than him. She tightened her hold on her bag, until her hands turned white with the pressure of her grip. Spike turned to place himself in front of her, lifting his hand to grasp her chin in his hand.

"Buffy, please. I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything!"

"Not good enough!" with that she finally turned to look at him, the anger that had replaced the shock of running into him at the library, hardened her face. She attempted to remove the hand that held her face with her own, but he refused to let his grip go.

"Please take your hands off me!!!"

But he still wouldn't let her out of his grasp, so she did the only thing that she could think of. She lifted her foot off the floor, aimed, and struck with great force.

"Ouuuuuccccccchhhh!" Spike relinquished his hold on her, as his hand went down to his shin that she'd whacked with her heeled boot, "Bloody Sodding Hell!"

The smile of satisfaction that was on Buffy's face was absolutely priceless, "I asked you nicely, mister!"

With that retort, Buffy turned and continued down the corridor swaggering her way down, with a conquering sway in her gait. Not to be left behind, Spike hobbled in the wake of her departure, and not wanting her to have the last word, he went in for the kill.

"Buffy, wait please, we have to talk!"

Buffy turned to see him in great pain, and discomfort from her attack, with her guilt getting the better part of her, she stopped and waited for him to catch up. She had also noted that the students around them had also stopped, to watch the impromptu show that had started before them, and that they were enjoying the front row seats.

"We have nothing to talk about."

"Yes we do Buffy, we have a lot to talk about, and I have a lot of grovelling to do!"

"Well I don't want to hear it!"

"Well your gonna hear it, whether you like it or not."

"What your reasons for ignoring me, not speaking to me, not answering you door, and treating me with contempt every time you see me! No way am I going to put up with that! I don't care what your reasons are, they aren't good enough, and you have no excuse to treat me that way...." Buffy's voice became louder and louder.

She was about to continue her folly with insults, when he did something that she didn't expect him to ever do....he took two steps in front of her, grabbed her by her waist and slammed her into his body.

"Maybe this will shut you up!"

Spike placed one hand in her hair, and moved his head down upon hers, brushing his lips along her own, gently at first, tasting her ever so gently, brushing his lips by the side of her own, so close that sometimes they barely touched. Buffy was just stunned, she felt the shivers run down her spine, the hairs on her arms begin to raise in goose bumps, a heaviness cover her chest, then her throat tighten in anticipation, and her mind begin to dull with the sensation of it. Buffy's grip on her bag loosened, as it fell to the floor, she moved her hands up to his chest to push him away, but they ended up around his neck, her hands entwining in his hair, gently creating pressure at the back of his skull. He took this as surrender to his kiss, and his mouth now lay on her lips. Gently he began delving into her mouth with his tongue, exploring the recesses of it, tasting the hard and soft textures within.

Spike pulled her in closer too him, tightening his grasp on her, he wanted her as close to him as psychically he could, he needed to burn his impression on her, like she was doing to him. He could feel her body respond to his kiss, he moved a hand to her neck, tilting her head so he could delve deeper into her mouth, his tongue battling it out with her own for dominance. Buffy moved her other hand to his waist pulling him closer in response, pushing on his head with her other hand, making him increase the pressure of his mouth upon her own. Her heart beating so hard and fast she thought it would explode and burst its way out of her chest, her breathing intensifying with the heat that the two were generating. So much that they both burned with it......

A niggling feeling of being watched, found its way eventually into Buffy's' head, hitting her with the realisation of just where they where. Buffy quickly pulled away, and pushed Spike with such a force he nearly lost his footing, the look on her face was a mix of embarrassment and absolute horror. Spike was just as dumb founded and stunned at his behaviour, all he could do was look at her, the regret was written all over his face for the world to see.

"Buffy, I'm sorry."

Buffy just didn't know what to do or say, and so she did the only thing she could.

She ran.

Chapter Six ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Shadows in the Sun~~

Buffy sat in her room, trying desperately to write her paper that was due next week, with little composing happening. The day's events at college had wiped out any chance of that. She played the incidents over and over again in her mind, just trying to make sense of them. The obvious clincher had been the kiss, it had thrown her into a tail spin, and she just couldn't believe that she'd allowed him to do it. She should have at least hit him once on the nose, and mess that pretty face of his. The gall of the man was just too much, and what in hell's name was he doing at the college today?

The kiss had burned through her protective wall, which she had put around herself the last year, crumbling every brick to rubble, and making dust out of her guarded heart. She had to stop denying that she felt absolutely nothing for him, and that she'd been kidding herself that she was an emotionless entity. What a wake up call it had been. She was so overwhelmed with these emotions, that she felt she was drowning in them, suffocating as she tried to free herself from her denial. She finally had to admit to herself, that she was doing something that she never would have imagined 12 months ago.

She was falling in love again.

But after last year, she didn't and hadn't wanted too, and to make things worse, it was always with the 'impossible male'. Spike was older, a father and totally not her type. But then again she'd fallen for the college boy and look where that got her. Abused, emotionally tarnished, and unable to or more to the point unwilling to open herself to anyone. She just didn't want these feelings messing up her life, not now, and not ever.

But they were a reality, they were here and they were real, as much as she tried to bury, deny or ignore them. They were here and were here to stay, ready, willing or not. She realised they'd crept up on her, and were crying to be released and realised. Her body had burned entwined with his, craved him, and needed him more than she had realised. There was a decision to be made, and that was what she was going to do about it? Would she bury them deep in her heart, or would she allow them to become corporeal and breathe life back into her un-beating heart?

She'd been stumbling in the dark for so long. Could she come back into the sun, or maybe just sit in the shadows for a while? Taste the beauty of the moment, and lounge in the protection it offered, before she dared take that step back into the daylight, so to speak. She had questions, and answers, but just didn't know if she wanted to think about it too much.

Why did life have to be so complicated?

Maybe it was time just to take that one step forward, but did she want to take it with him? That alone was enough to have her petrified in the darkness. He would expect more than any college boy........

Commitment. Total devotion. Surrogate mom?? Love and sex.

She had no trouble with the, commitment and devotion, as she knew he would give nothing else but that, and demand it in return. But 'Mom Buffy', she wasn't so sure about, she was only 18. How on earth was she expected to do that job? She had enough trouble changing a nappy for goodness sake. Her mind had trouble getting around the love and sex bit, which was something that she wanted to, put in the 'too hard basket'. She just didn't know if she was ready to give either. She didn't deny that he was every woman's fantasy, but actually giving herself to another, she just didn't know if she was ready.

With that thought, she could feel part of the wall rebuild itself, and she heard somewhere deep inside her scream in fear. Fear of being lock up for all eternity. Fear of dying in the darkness.......

She just continued to stare at the computer screen in front of her, it was a lost cause, and she was never going to get anything done, she was too caught up in her thoughts. Giving up, she slammed the 'off' button, and stomped out of her room, down the stairs. She went into the kitchen to get something to drink and to ease the on coming headache, when the door bell chimed.

"I'll get it!" Dawn screamed from somewhere inside of the house, followed by a loud "Hey Spike, Imogen, come in!"

'Oh my god!' went straight through Buffy's head, along with a streak of throbbing pain as the headache took residence in her brain. She didn't need the confrontation, not tonight, any night, but not tonight. But it would appear that the unavoidable was about to make itself known.

"Bufffyyyyyyyyyy!!!" Dawn screamed up the stairs, thinking her sister would be up in her room.

"I'm in here Dawn" there was no point hiding, and he knew she was home.

"Hey sis, Spike wants to talk to you." Dawn located her sister in the kitchen with Imogen on her hip. The little girl gurgled her delight, at the peek-a-boo game Dawn was playing with her, "And he wants me to mind Imogen for a while, what gives?"

"I have absolutely no idea. Did he say he wanted to speak to me?" Buffy asked as innocently as possible, trying not to give much away of the churning thoughts in her mind, and shattered nerves that make her feel nauseated.

"No, he asked to speak to Elvis!"

"I thought Billy was more his style?"

"Buffy....." Dawn giggled at Buffy's bout of sarcasm, "He wants to speak to you about something, and he's acting all weird. Did you do something?"

"No," Buffy commented just a little too quickly for her sisters liking.

"If you didn't, then what's his problem?"

"And I am meant to know, by some strange eerie force what his problem is?"

"Okay, don't get all 'gurhhhh' on me!"

With that, Dawn took Imogen out of the kitchen and the direction of her bedroom, leaving Buffy in the kitchen by herself and with Spike leaning up against the door frame. Buffy had yet to notice him, as she had her head in the fridge, trying to decide what to drink, trying to talk her mind momentarily off the here and now. Picking up a glass bottle, she turned, and was caught out by Spikes presence; she dropped the bottle, its contents smashing on the floor.

"Sorry luv didn't mean to scare you." Spike walked over to clean up the mess, grabbing a tea towel from the sink to mop the mess up. Leaving a red faced Buffy standing in the midst of it, just too confused to do anything but just stand in the middle of the sticky river.

After mopping it up the best he could, he took her hand and walked her out of the kitchen into the back yard. Directing her to the two wooden lounging chairs, sitting her down in the first one they came across, and promptly sat in the other.

"We need to talk Buffy."

"About what?"

"We kissed Buffy."

"Spike its late, can we please do this another night, please!!! I am so not in the mood for this right now!" Buffy crossed her arm on her chest refusing to even look at him.

"In the mood or not luv, we are going to talk about it!"

"Do I have to repeat myself yet again, 'I don't want to hear it!!?' Are you deaf or something, I already told you that today" Buffy raised her head and her voice.

"Can you sing me a new bit, that's gone stale pet?"

"AAAArrrghhhhhhh, you are so frustrating! You tell me something so profound, you ignore me, and then you grab me and.....and....and" Buffy was lots for words.

"Kissed you so good it burned?"

"Yes....I mean no." Buffy stumbled on her response, "I definitely mean no! And you instantly regretted it anyway?"

"No I didn't Buffy. I was sorry that I did it in front of a whole class of freshman!" Spike got out of his chair, lent over the arm of her chair, and stared straight into her eyes, "Instead of doing it somewhere private, so we could have continued until it consumed us!"

"You don't mean that!"

"I don't know why, but I do! You are not what I should want, who I should be with, and definitely not what I expected!"

"You hold yourself in such high esteem!"

Spike just laughed, "You got me wrong! Buffy your 18 years old, a student and you shouldn't be with a man that's old enough to be your fathers youngest brother, a single dad or as damaged as me. You should be with a young man, enjoying college life and planning your future. Not a ready assembled family at your age."

Buffy could hear so much pain in his speech, the conflict that he must be feeling about her and what he thought she really needed. But she heard the deep need within him that was calling out to her, wanted her and desired her. How could she deny it when she was doing it herself, calling out for someone to connect with her, and that someone was him. Yet his little lecture about her ideal mate, made old dark images, fears and blackened realities come to the surface of her reality. And they took hold of her, as she retaliated against him..........

"What would you know? What makes you an expert in what I need? Who are you to tell me what I need, who I should be with, and what to do with my future?" Buffy felt like smacking him across the face, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"Buffy please!!!"

"Well let me tell you a few home truths, 'Mr I Bloody Well Know Everything!!!'" Buffy's anger was so strong she shook with it, "I've dated 'Mr Nice Collage Guy' and you wanna know where it got me. It got me nearly date raped, okay! 'Mr Nice Collage Guy' thought 'no' means 'yes', that tearing my clothes off as he hit me, would be a fun game. The fact that my friends heard me scream, was the only thing that saved me. But not only that, I had to live with the humiliation of having my best friend having to see me like that, having to take me home and clean me up. To the having Mr Collage Guy, you know the one you want me with, telling the whole collage that, he got lucky, and what a lousy lay.."

Buffy stopped mid sentence, without realizing it she'd told him everything, every last detail, and she felt ......exposed. She felt sick, '~oh my god, what have I done? ~', she went as pale as a ghost and looked like she was about to pass out.

"Buffy, I'm sorry luv. Are you alright? Do you want me to get Dawn?"

"No, no Dawn. She doesn't know, they don't know?"

"Why the bloody hell not?", then the realisation hit on him, "You didn't report it did you?"

"No, I couldn't, I just couldn't"

"Buffy you should have, or at least told someone?"

"No!"

Spike was at a loss, an absolute loss, at what to say or do. She was hurting big time, and what does he do, come onto her like a bull in a china shop. Buffy just seemed to stop for a moment in time, as if frozen in unwanted memories, locked inside somewhere deep within.

"Spike, it's okay, it was ages ago, and I don't want to talk about it ok, please!" Buffy asked of Spike.

"Buffy you should..."

"Spike I said end of conversation, please!"

"Okay. But if you need me you know where I am?"

"Spike can you do me a favour?"

"Anything Buffy?" Spike stood and bowed at her, trying to inject some humour back into the conversation, "I am your willing slave, madam?"

"Would you just hold me for a while, please?"

With that Spike stood up straight, motioned for her to stand up, gathering her near to him, he turned her around so she was at the front, and sat down on the chair. Pulling her down onto his lap, enveloping her into his arms, offering her warmth and comfort, they just sat there giving each other strength.

Neither could deny it any longer, despite everything they wanted and needed each other. All the darkness that filled their lives could no longer be lived in, the comfort that they had found in them had been stifling, denying them to be able to grow and move on.

Spike brushed her arm with his hand, running it up and down, brushing it with his finger tips, for what seemed an eternity. Until she leant in closer, and tilted her head back, feeling his hand come to the back of her jaw, she closed her eyes and opened her lips to receive his own.

Gently they expressed their combined needs in their kiss, lips brushing over each other, just touching, showing their fragile states. Not demanding, just giving reassurance to each other and gentle persuasion to allow the kiss to deepen. Slowly and tenderly Spike increased the pressure of his mouth on hers, tasting her as he ran his tongue over her lips. Just allowing the tip to touch her, learning her shape and tang of her essence he found. The feel of him on her lips made Buffy shiver to her core, she trusted him completely to allow her the space she needed, and to accept what she was willing to give at this point.

As time passed, he invaded her totally, sweeping fully into her mouth, opening it fully to him. She found her hands tightening onto his arms that held her to him, leaning deeper into his embrace and she let herself get lost in the moment. Spike felt the moment she surrendered, as she began to return his kiss, allowing her own exploration of his lips, and as she tightened her embrace of him. She showed her trust in him, and her acceptance of him. He closed his eyes and gave himself up to his passion......

Buffy pulled away the moment that his hand touched her breast, pushing her way out of the chair, she just turned and stared at him. The fear in her eyes struck him like lightening, leaving him with emotional burn marks. He couldn't believe his stupidity of what he'd done after what she'd told him, and not controlling himself. Obviously Buffy would have to guide him to what she would and wouldn't allow.

"Buffy?"

"I'm sorry Spike......I'm....I'm just..I'm just not able to.I mean."

"It's okay sweetheart, what ever you want," with that Spike stood and encircled her into his arms. Just holding her, brushing her flyaway hair back behind her ears, kissing her on the forehead. He saw Dawn come outside the back door in a rush.

"Buffy! Moms home! Quick!" she stopped dead spotting the two in their embrace, "Spike!"

The two jumped away from each other as they heard the jeep come around the side of the house, and their mom get out of the car. She was home early for a change, and totally unexpected at this time.

"Hello kids...Spike." Joyce looked at the three just standing in the backyard, "Have I missed a neighbourhood meeting?"

"NO!" all three replied to Joyce's enquiry.

"Okay, so have I missed something at all?"

"No Mom, Spike just brought himself and the baby over. I invited them to dinner if that's okay?" Buffy asked her mum, trying to make up a plausible excuse for his presence.

"That's nice of you Buffy. In that case Spike, you can help me unload the car with the shopping"

Spike accepted his task with no question, leaving the two sisters together, a dangerous combination.

"You two were kissing!"

"Please Dawn, please don't tell mom!"

"Hmmmm it's going to cost you"

"Please Dawn!"

"Okay I won't tell mom, but I want details!"

"Alright, but later?"

"I can't wait to her your excuse for this one!" with that Dawn went back into the house.

Buffy turned to look at Spike helping her mother. '~what the hell have I done!~', she thought to herself. All the self doubt and fear began to creep back into her mind, trying to over take her new found feelings. She was absolutely lost in herself......

As the war contained within her had begun.

by Mercy

~~~Chapter Seven~~~

~~Lost In Regret~~

Dinner was an affair to remember. Sitting across from him at dinner, Buffy couldn’t look him in the eye, not even once. She refused to meet his worried glances at her, full of need to know that she was okay and didn’t regret what had happened between them. But it was clear to him that she did. Her mannerisms told the truth of the matter. Even Dawn’s kicks under the table couldn’t detract Buffy from looking at her, or Spike. Buffy looked either at her mother or her food all night. Even Joyce had picked up on her daughter’s disinterest in the meal, and the company at the table.

“Buffy dear, are you feeling alright?” A concerned mother asked her daughter.

“Yeah mom, I’m just not hungry.”

“Is something wrong sweetheart? Has something happened?”

With this question from her mother, Buffy couldn’t help but look at him. She saw the hurt that lay within his eyes. Her mother caught the obvious interplay between the two at the table, and became greatly concerned about both of them. Something was going on between the two, that was obvious, but what Joyce didn’t have a clue.

“No mom, may I be excused please?” Buffy asked of her mother.

“Yes, but are you sure that you’re okay?”

“Yeah mom, I just need to go to bed I think, and have an early night.”

“Buffy it’s only 8.30! You never go to bed before 11.00!” Dawn joined in the conversation, knowing exactly why her sister was trying to escape.

“Will you just leave it!!” Buffy retorted.

“Okay, okay, sorry!” Dawn tried to retreat from the stare of her sister.

“Alright girls!! Buffy before you leave say goodnight to our guests.” Joyce requested.

“Good night Spike” Buffy looked at him for a second, giving all her attention to Imogen instead, she brushed the baby’s hair back, and kissed her goodnight, “Sleep well angel”.

With that Buffy began the retreat up to her room, in an attempt to get as far away as she could, from the cause of her regret. Closing the door behind her, she shut herself from everything and everyone out in the world, and entered into the safe haven of her room. A place she couldthink about everything that had happened to her, what had happened today, and what was going to happen in the future.

The gambit of emotions swelled over her as she lay on her bed. She thought about the incident with Riley, all those months ago, telling Spike about it tonight, and what impact their passionate kiss had upon her. She just felt so mixed up about everything; had never felt so lost within herself, and it was getting worse everyday. But the worst thing she felt was the regret she felt about kissing him, but it wasn’t the type of regret that she knew she should be feeling.

It was regret that she couldn’t continue.

She’d let her fear control her for so long, that rejecting a man had become second nature, and when she’d pulled away from Spike, it had been the part of her that had been attacked cringing inside her. That was what she regretted, not being able to truly enjoy the kiss, his touch and his obvious attraction to her. Deep down she’d already acknowledged her desire for him, despite whatever obstacles may present themselves in front of them, she wanted him. More than wanted him, she desired him and was beginning to feel deep emotions for him.

And he’d called himself ‘damaged’, what a fine pair they’d make, she was just as ‘damaged’.

Buffy realised that it would take patience and trust from both of them to have any chance. It was time to confront the emotions, that had controlled her life for so long. Memories of that night in Spike’s bedroom came hurtling back, his pain and sorrow echoing in her thoughts, as she planned her freedom. These memories put a screaming stop on any plan to get involved with him. A few months ago he was so overwhelmed with his grief, that it had consumed him before her very eyes, and now he was kissing her with such a passion that it had burned her.

How can someone have such conflicting emotions? She thought that she was emotionally stunted, and he had just seemed to move on too quickly for her liking. Buffy shook her head, as all these ideas swirling around in her head. Her mind screamed with all the conflicting emotions, all she wanted was to move forward, too move away from the bleak darkness that had ruled her for so long, and had held her back. She wanted to be free from this rollercoaster ride, it made her sick of this life, never standing still, with it hurtling up and down everyday.

So she made a decision. A decision she hoped that she’d never live to regret, and something she was going to fight her being for……………..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike helped Joyce clear the table. After Buffy’s defection the conversation had become even more stagnated, silence had hung in the air between all those left at the table. Dawn had quickly departed after her sister, hiding in the lounge room to play with Imogen, to avoid any awkwardness that remained after her sister’s departure. The two in the kitchen discussed everything from the weather, to new nappy rash powders on the market, but the chit chat came to an end, as Joyce made it clear she wanted to discuss something serious with Spike.

“Spike, I think it’s time that we had a talk, don’t you think?”

“About what ?” Spike tried to keep it as friendly as he could.

“I think that’s obvious young man!”

“Ummmm Joyce, I think that you’d better just tell me what on earth you are talking about?”

“Well as if you didn’t know?”

“Joyce I promise you, I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

“The crush, young man!”

“Crush………………” Spike was speechless. How could have Joyce guessed that he felt something for her daughter? But then again dinner had been a dead give away. All the avoidance Buffy had thrown his way had made it obvious to a blind man, that something was going on between them. “Please Joyce!! I promise you that nothing has happened……….well nothing serious yet.”

“Yet, what the hell do you mean ‘yet’! She’s only a little girl!!”

“It was just a kiss, Joyce please, be reasonable!! She is not a little girl, she’s a young woman!” Spike tried to defend Buffy the best he could.

“You are too old for her………you’re sick!!”

“I know that I’m older………………..hey wait. I’m not talk……….”

“Get out! Get out and don’t come back into my house again!”, Joyce grabbed Spike by the collar of his shirt, and attempted to throw him out of the house.

“MOM!!!” Dawn ran into the kitchen with Imogen in her arms.

“Go to your room Dawn, NOW!”

“Mom it’s not me okay! He’s not going on about me………his talking about Buffy.” Joyce stopped what she was doing, hearing her daughter’s words, “He likes Buffy mom, not me!”

“Oh my, oh my………” Joyce was speechless at her actions towards Spike, “This doesn’t make it any better Spike, she’s still a child!”

“I know Joyce, god don’t you think that I know that!” Spike tried to control his anger towards himself, and the situation he’d gotten himself into.

Imogen began to scream her lungs out, she felt her fathers’ distress, she wanted him and she wanted him now! Leaning out of Dawns’ arms towards her father, Spike pulled her into his embraced and tried to calm her down. He smoothed her hair down, kissing her forehead, and whispered to her soft words of reassurance. This was not the time or place to discuss this.

“Joyce, please not now! Imogen’s tired, can I suggest that we discuss this at another time. That we sleep on it tonight, please! I need to give her a bath and put her to bed.” Spike pulled open the backdoor, “Joyce, I do care for your daughter, I know that. I think she needs me as much as I need her, and she’s old enough to know what she wants. I am a man, Joyce, not a monster and I wouldn’t hurt her for anything!”

Spike opened the door and stormed out, not even to think about picking up the baby’s things. He ran back to his own home, trying to open the front door, dropping the keys, he picked them up swearing to himself; eventually he got the door open, and slammed it behind him.

Nobody could heard the steps in the Summers’ house creak as a single figure retreated up them, back into her room, closing the door behind her………….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike bathed his daughter in her bath, reflecting on tonight’s events; over and over they replayed themselves in his mind. He just couldn’t ignore what he felt anymore, and now that he knew that Buffy had regretted what had happened in her backyard, he didn’t know what to think. His heart felt like it had been ripped out again, and he just wanted to smash something, break it into little pieces like his heart. He finally was being released from his prison of grief, only to find himself denied what he truly desired and needed.

He just didn’t get it, Buffy had seemed to take pleasure in their kiss, and had responded to him, until she’d pulled away from his caress, that he did understand. But her response to him at dinner he didn’t understand. Was she afraid that he may do the same thing as the man who had hurt her, or was she just afraid of herself? He’d made it clear to her that he would do what she wanted, that he wouldn’t cross the line if she didn’t want to, that she made the boundaries, and that he would never cross them, unless she said so.

Or had he? He tried to remember what he’d exactly said to her, but he could only remember the feel of her arms around him and her lips on his, and the passion that had burned between them. If anything was clearer to him it was that she was what he wanted, and he would do anything to have her.

Anything.

He picked up his little girl, drying her as he moved to her room, changing her into her pyjamas and putting her in her cot to sleep. He arranged her on her back, at the bottom of the cot, covering her with a light blanket and turned on the baby monitor, as he left the room. He went to his own room, as the night was a write off, he couldn’t wind down from the nights events, and he decided that a shower was in order. Maybe it would relieve some tension he felt in his head, with the on coming stress headache, that was starting at the front of his temples.

Undressing and turning on the shower, he waited until the water was just right and climbed into the shower stall, closing the clear glass door behind him. He stepped into the spray and let the water cascade down his body, allowing it to envelope his whole body. Putting his head under the spray, he never heard the rocks hit the window, or hit the floor from the bathroom adjoining his bedroom. Nor did he hear someone climbing up the rose trellis, and swear as they got caught in the thorns of the rose bush, as they reached the second story of the house.

Buffy slowly lifted the window sill the rest of the way up, from the middle of the pane, where she’d found it. Trying not to make a noise as she did it, she poked her head through the window, trying to see if Spike was in bed. All the lights were of in the house, except for what appeared to be a lamp in the master bedroom.

Taking a huge risk and leap of faith, she’d decided to climb the trellis to confront Spike, and soothe some of her fears about them. But most importantly, talk to him about the decision she’d made regarding them, and most importantly about herself. Seeing that he wasn’t in bed, she could hear water running in the en-suite, she contemplated her next move, and attempted to turn around to retreat back down the way she came. She lost her footing and grabbed hold of the window sill, loosing her nerve, she realised she had only one option and she took it.

Climbing through the window she entered the bedroom, moving the sheer curtain aside, to allow her further entry into the room. It looked the same as it had before, the bed was made, a few clothes lay strewn on the floor, and yet something was missing. It struck Buffy instantly, it was his wedding portrait, the one in the crystal frame, and it was gone. Instead pictures of Imogen were everywhere, on every available space laid a picture of his little girl.

Taking this all in, she could still hear the water running in the next room, taking a deep breath, she took a step in the direction of the door between the rooms, and placed her hand on the door knob. Gathering all the strength she could, she fought all the fear that came to the surface, she’d made a choice, wrong or right, she had to try and over come every dark emotion. With an inner resolve she turned the handle, and opened the door as quietly as she could……………………...

Next