Thanksgiving, November 22, 2007 10:48 AM

It was a beautiful morning, cool and crisp, with the sun hanging high in the blue sky. Buffy was humming along to the vibrations of her body, peaceful and happy from a long night of slow love making, and she wore a smile that didn’t waver. After she and Spike had returned last night, they had gathered the kids (sans Elijah) and Max for board games that had gone on until after midnight. The fight had been forgotten, or at least forgiven, as laughter replaced the anger and tears of earlier.

This morning had dawned with the same mood that everyone had retired with as Buffy prepared cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Elijah had told her that every holiday his mother would make the special treat and she was determined that their holiday traditions would be blended with the ones she and Spike had, to create new ones for their family. Breakfast had been a noisy affair with everybody talking over each other as the television had shown the parade.

Everyone was downstairs waiting for her as Buffy smoothed down her dress and checked her appearance in the mirror. The new emerald green sweater dress was clingy but still comfortable to move in. She held the material against her body, above and below, her slightly protruding abdomen so she could marvel once again in the fact that she was carrying Spike’s baby. He had given her a precious gift and with a pat, she once again refused to admit that the babe was anything but a miracle.

“Buffy, hurry up,” Spike shouted.

“Coming,” she called back as she hurriedly grabbed her earrings.

A shadow darted across the room and for a moment she froze as she looked behind her to see what was there. There was nothing. Buffy turned back to the mirror and fastened her earring and as she brought the other hoop to her ear, she saw two more shadows cross behind her. Startled she turned around to once again see who was there but saw no one.

“Who’s there?”

No one answered but she saw the shadow as it ran along the wall. Scratching and banging surrounded her, seemingly from nowhere and within the walls at the same time. A voice, deep and angry, echoed in her head. “Hide all you want. We’ll find you.” The voice became garbled for a moment then returned with an ominous threat. “Kill the spawn of Satan.”

Terrified Buffy’s hands covered her belly in an attempt to protect her child from the shadows but as the noises became louder she tried to drown them out by covering her ears until finally she screamed.

“Noooooo…”

~~~~~~~~

“…oooooo.”

The horrific fear came through in Buffy’s scream and before she had completed it, Spike was at the top of the stairs, followed closely by Max and Raven. Sean stayed below to hold Elijah who was crying for Buffy. They burst into the empty bedroom, surprised they stood for a second looking around for her, and then Spike spotted her earring lying on the floor in front of the closet. Spike opened the door and froze at the sight of his wife. Buffy was huddled in the far corner, boxes shoved in front of her as a protective shield. She was crying hysterically and Spike dropped to his knees to crawl to her. Hesitating for a moment he turned back to his daughter and friend.

“Max, take the kids and go on. We’ll be there soon,” he whispered as he returned his gaze to Buffy who was plucking at the hem of her dress and hiding her face against the wall.

“They’re coming, the door close, want the baby, not spawn, find me, dark hide,” she rambled.

Max knelt behind his friend for a moment, “Are you sure?”

Spike nodded as he tried to approach Buffy who was trying to back into a space that would allow her no further.

“Go please, Raven,” he ordered as he dismissed them from his mind and was only vaguely aware of Max dragging Raven from the room as she protested they needed to stay.

“Buffy, Baby, it’s Spike.”

His whispers only seemed to scare her more and he stopped his approach as she started to slam the heels of her hands against her head.

“No, have can’t, my baby, belong to, we Spike.” Recognition flashed in her eyes and she held her hands out to him. “Help me, noise go away. Searching, searching, tear it apart.”

Spike grabbed and pulled Buffy to him, cradling her as her arms held him in a vice like grip. His hands caressed her trembling body as he whispered words of love in her ear. Her face was buried against his chest until something else happened to her and she screamed again, turning in his lap, looking for the unseen thing that was after her.

He stood, pulling her up with him, her back against him, as he walked them back into the bedroom.

“Let’s lie down and I’ll hold you,” he whispered.

“No, no, in walls, trying to get out, bed too close.”

“Don’t move,” he told her as he moved in front of her but she clung to him, her hands now plucking at his shirt as tears poured down her face and her eyes darted around looking for the enemy that only she could hear or see.

Spike grabbed the footboard of the bed, prayed he didn’t break it, and pulled the bed to the center of the room. He tried to pull her toward it but she muttered something about underneath it and he picked her up and placed her on the bed. Buffy immediately crawled to her side reaching underneath the mattress to pull out her knife. She retreated to the center of the mattress, holding the knife in front of her as Spike came to kneel behind her, his legs separated and on either side of hers. His arms came around her as he placed his hands over hers.

“Give me the knife, Love, so I can protect you.”

At first she refused but as he soothingly reiterated his love and unwavering devotion to her, she finally gave it up and he put it on the end of the bed. Spike knew that whatever Buffy was afraid of was coming from only her mind as she dealt with another break in her grasp of reality. Yet there was the twinge of fear that maybe there really was something there. There was always the possibility of attack from things you couldn’t see or hear and maybe the knife would be useless against them but at least it was something.

Eventually he managed to get her to lie down with him spooned against her. She said that was fine because he could manage anything that came up behind her while she kept watch for the shadows that wanted their child. As they lay there she would babble about the noises she heard, point out the shadows as they darted around the room, and repeat snatches of what she could hear of the voices.

Spike alone with his wife, over the next few hours, felt his own hold on sanity be stretched to the limit as he sunk lower and lower into the hell she dwelt in.

~~~~~~~

The family was seated at several different tables that had been set up in the Harris living room to accommodate everyone. Xander carved the turkey while everyone talked. Raven sat quietly, unable to forget the picture of her mother, frightened and huddled in the closet. She jumped when Elijah tugged on her sleeve and when she turned to look at him, he burst into tears.

“I want Mummy and Daddy. I want to go home.”

Raven looked around at the adults as they tried to mask their secret wish that the Blood family would disappear and she stood throwing her napkin on the table. She picked her brother up in her arms and turned to leave the room. Sean stood to follow her but Raven changed her mind. She wasn’t going to just comfort Elijah so they could return to dinner. She wanted to go home, too. Raven handed Eli to Sean and came to stand by the table again.

“I’m taking my brother and going home,” she announced.

“Raven, honey,” Max said as he grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Let’s go settle Elijah down and we’ll talk.”

“No, I don’t want to be here while my parents are at home alone while everyone ignores that. God only knows what’s happening there and no one, not one of you has gotten off your ass to go and check on them. I’m a kid and so is Sean and its not fair that that we have to deal with this all the time while you all try to deny what’s going on.”

Everyone froze as Raven started to cry as hard as Elijah and Max wrapped his arm around her and tried to get her to leave the room. She shook off the arm and pushed him away.

“I’m going to say this because someone has to.” Her eyes looked around the room at her family, meeting their eyes so she could be sure they knew she was talking to them. In a way she understood why they weren’t around that much anymore but she was hurt and at the end of her patience just like her parents. “It’s like when we came over and told everyone what had happened, I could sense the almost relief from everyone. It’s like you said, ‘well, we know what’s wrong, now we don’t have to wonder anymore’. You’ve given up. You have something to tag it with. I heard the whispers, schizophrenia, she’s insane and now you all just want to Mrs. Rochester her. Forget about her. This is Buffy, we’re talking about. I’ve heard it from all of you, the times she’s saved you and died for you and now you’re just going to shut her away.”

“No one said that,” Kate told her quietly.

“You didn’t have to. My father, Spike, is taking care of us kids, the house, taking care of Buffy and still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. He’s not getting any sleep, neither of them is but they haven’t given up. They won’t because they love each other too much. Not like all of you. We get phone calls and Xander and Anya take Elijah and feed us but who’s been to the house. Who’s taken Buffy out on her good days? Who’s volunteered to stay at the house so that Spike can go out alone or fucking sleep in peace for a few hours? The only one that has is Dawn, surprise, surprise; the family outcast has been there.”

“Raven, calm down,” Max said.

“No, I won’t. It’s like today. Buffy wanted this at the house but, no, because you all are afraid to be around her, we’re crammed in here like sardines. And do you know she cried because the plans were changed. You want to hear my opinion on why she broke today?”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell us,” Xander said.

“The stress of trying to be perfect for you all. To be the same old Buffy because none of you can handle what is happening to her. Guess what, people, it’s not contagious.”

Raven took one last look around the room before marching out the front door.

~~~~~~~

For a moment, stunned silence followed Raven’s exit, as everyone looked guiltily around at each other.

“I’m with her,” Sean said as he followed her still holding Elijah.

Max was the next to stand. “They need a ride home,” he said as he headed for the door.

“I’m going with them,” Connor said.

Dawn and Josh stood but Angel raised his hands as if in surrender and they stopped to see what he was doing.

“Out of the mouths of babes,” Angel said. “She’s right. It’s supposed to be a day for family. Pack it up; we’re going to their house.”

“You’re kidding right? You want us to pack up all the food and move it?” Anya asked.

“Yes.”

“Now hold on, Dead boy, this is Sunnydale and you don’t give orders around here. If Buffy and Spike are out of the loop then those decisions fall to…” Xander said.

“Us,” Willow finished. When Xander gave her a funny look she added, “Hey, I’m part of the original Scoobies and therefore qualified to lead.”

“Quit arguing and let’s start packing this up.” Giles said.

And with the decision made the family went to work to pack up the food and children for the migration to the Blood house.

~~~~~~~

It took several trips before everything and everyone was in house. Xander and Angel were setting up the tables and the food heated up when Willow slipped upstairs. Raven’s words had cut her deeply because she knew she had been avoiding coming to see Buffy. The holidays were here and she was wrapped up in spending them with Tara and Jacob. Watching her best friend fall apart was too much for her.

When she stepped into the room, Spike looked over his shoulder at her then buried his face in Buffy’s hair. In the momentary flash of his eyes she could see the exhaustion and the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. His body shuddered as he tightened his hold on his wife as she began to whine and burrow closer to him. Willow sat on the edge of the bed and rested her hand on his hip.

“Spike, what can we do?”

Spike just shook his head and didn’t turn to look at her as she caressed his leg. Whether he liked it or not he needed to get out of here for a little while. When Max and Raven had told them what had happened she didn’t think that it would have lasted this long. She had figured that Spike would calm Buffy down and it would be over. Guilt filled her at the knowledge that they had been huddled together for hours.

“Let me watch her while you go downstairs and see your children. They need you.” Willow whispered. “And you need a break.”

At first she didn’t think he heard her but his slow nod preceded his loosening his arm from around Buffy and as he did she started to cry.

“No, no, need Spike, protector, need, die without.”

“Here,” Willow said and crawled to the end of the bed then back up between them. Each inch taken and given until the red head was nestled between them. Willow’s position mimicking Spike’s with her arm tight around her friend. Spike gently kissed her on the cheek before he left the room.

“Spike,” Buffy cried piteously as she felt his absence. “Stay, baby, need.”

Looking over her shoulder, Willow saw Spike hesitate but she shook her head.

“Buffy, it’s me, Willow. I’ll take care of you. I promise. Spike will be back soon.”

Somehow it settled Buffy down as her hand closed over her friend’s.

“Wllow, protector too, life, bring me, Spike, power, power in your fingertips.” Buffy nodded her head and then in the rambling broken way she explained the shadows to her new protector.

Suddenly a shadow fell across the bed and Willow almost screamed before she realized it was Angel.

“Go downstairs, Willow, you have a small child and should be with him. Besides I don’t eat.”

“Does Spike know?”

“It’ll be fine,” Angel reassured her.

Willow vacillated for a moment but the vampire was already moving onto the bed and she relented. She told him how the shift had to go and he gave her a strange look but followed the instructions, slowly coming up between the two women until Willow had to let go. She rose as Buffy settled into Angel’s arms and with only a backward glance to make sure that Buffy had adjusted, Willow made her way downstairs. The first thing she did was find Spike to make sure it was okay but as soon as she appeared in the living room, he headed her way.

“You left Buffy alone?”

“No, no, Angel is up there with her.”

“You left her with Angel?” Spike snarled at her. He started toward the stairs but Willow grabbed his arm.

“Spike, let it go. He wants to help and your children need you with them right now.”

“Daddy, please, stay,” Raven said as came into the hallway.

With a last look upstairs, Spike reluctantly agreed and Willow hugged him then with Raven on the other side they led him into dinner.

~~~~~~~

Buffy was finally asleep, somewhere in her rambling speech, she had given into the exhaustion of her body. Angel held her close to him as he allowed himself to relax in this room he had never been in before. It was one place he had avoided, never venturing upstairs in all the years they had lived here. Their scent was strong in this room, combined and joined so deeply, he could barely tell them apart. Lying in their marriage bed was tearing him apart as her words echoed through his mind. Realizing that Willow was no longer there, he had told her he would protect her, but she refused to believe him. And finally he learned how much he had hurt her. The words of betrayal, loss, innocence, death and fear tumbling from her mouth as she spoke of him and her cries for her husband so opposite, forever, love, protection, strength. For the first time Angel knew how much he had lost by having such little faith in their love.

And it would be Buffy and Spike’s belief in their love that would somehow bring them through this time and Angel vowed that he would do everything he could to help them. To set things right and not just give words to bandage the years of pain and tension between them. To do whatever it would take to get them, all of them, through this.

Angel knew he was in the room before he spoke. Spike slid into the bed on the other side of Buffy and he tensed. His hand was clasped between Buffy’s small ones and he waited for the anger from his Childe but all he could feel was the hurt radiating through Spike’s being. Angel left his eyes closed and remained still knowing Spike could tell that he was awake.

A kiss woke Buffy and she stirred in his arms as Spike took one of her hands from his.

“Hi,” Spike said.

“Hey, who is…?”

“It’s Angel. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think so. What time is it?”

She sounded sleepy and confused but she didn’t pull away from his embrace and Angel was beginning to be uncomfortable just because neither of them seemed to be.

“It’s mid-afternoon.” Spike told her and when she sobbed, “Shh, its okay. The day isn’t completely gone. The children are just going to be happy to see you.”

She nodded as she pulled her hand from his and as his hand slipped to her waist still neither of them pulled away.

“May I?” Buffy whispered.

Angel rose up on his elbow to find out what she was asking for. For a moment he was confused as he watched her unbutton Spike’s sleeve and pushed it upwards. Amazement flooded him when he saw the puncture wounds that Buffy was softly caressing. Hurriedly Angel made his mind register that she was still warm and that her heart was beating.

“I wish I could,” she said as her fingers moved to caress her husband’s neck, “drink from here.”

Words refused to come to him as he met Spike’s eyes and he saw the sadness in the blue depths but there was also a warning not to hurt Buffy there as well. As his Childe switched to game face and brought his wrist to his mouth, Angel grabbed it. Anger vibrated in the air for his interference but he ignored it.

“Sit up, Spike,” he commanded, “against the headboard.” Spike didn’t move as confusion clouded his face. “For her.”

Angel sat up facing Spike as he followed his Sire’s command and Buffy shifted to the other side of Spike. She looked from one vampire to the other and when Spike turned his head to the side she smiled. His Childe resumed his human guise as Angel switched to his demon. Slowly he leaned forward and sank his fangs into Spike’s neck and as his Childe’s blood flowed down his throat Angel felt a connection that he hadn’t felt in a long time and it was gratifying to feel it once more. Then she was there between them, impatient in her need, and Angel eased back as he helped Buffy settle herself. For a moment he watched them as she drank and Spike’s hands flowed over her body and whispered words of love. It was beauty incarnate and Angel knew that they belonged together.

“Don’t let her take too much.” Angel whispered as his hand squeezed Spike’s shoulder and once he received a nod, he stood. “I’m going to go down and get her some food.”

He left them in their bonding and comfort, feeling almost bereft from not being a part of them.

~~~~~~~

Weakened Spike had broken her connection hating that he had stop her but knew that she was taking too much. She pressed a tissue to his throat until the flow stopped as they kissed soft and quick over and over.

“I love you,” she whispered before she slipped from his arms.

Spike continued to lie on the bed as she moved around the room, watching her change from the dress to a pair of black velour jogging pants and a long sleeve t-sheet in the same color. She moved to her vanity to brush her hair up into a pony tail before returning to him, sitting cross legged next to him. Her hand rested on his stomach as her eyes searched his.

“That wasn’t feeding, was it?”

“No, it was the need of a Childe for the comfort of their Sire or one mate for another,” Angel said re-entering the room. He walked over to them and handed Buffy a plate of food while handing a glass of juice to Spike. “I thought you might be weak so I brought you some orange juice.”

“Thanks,” Spike said as he accepted the glass and sat up. “Did you tell anyone?”

Angel shook his head as he settled onto the bed with them. For a moment the tension was there again but it fell away as Spike took a drink and Buffy began to eat the sandwich.

“How long?” Angel asked.

“Last Saturday, she fed but each day has been less. Yesterday not at all but she’s been,” Spike hesitated to squeeze her hand, “checking the wounds to make sure they’re still there. And then tonight.”

“Anything else?”

“I’m right here, Angel, don’t talk like I’m not.”

“Sorry, I just…making sure you’re all right.”

“No, not anything other than the other symptoms you already know about. Not like she’s avoiding daylight or wants to sleep in a coffin or anything.” Spike attempted a smile but it fell as short as his joke. “Seriously, nothing else other than the drinking of blood.”

“I’m going to go down and see the kids,” Buffy said as she leaned over to kiss Spike. “I love you. Will you be down soon?”

“Yeah, Love, soon.”

The two vampires watched as she walked out of the room before turning to look at each other.

“You can’t keep feeding her.”

“I know. Hopefully, it won’t come to making a decision.”

“What kind of decision are you talking about? If she does need it then you need to wean her to bags.”

Spike bristled at the authoritative tone that Angel used. It really wasn’t any of the poof’s business what they did.

“I’ll handle it.”

“She’s not a vampire, Spike. The baby is most likely causing this need and you need to handle it responsibly instead of going off half-cocked and killing to bring her food.”

Spike stood and walked to look out the window leaving his back toward Angel. “I know.” He turned around with a look of resignation on his face. “Come on, let’s head downstairs. Let’s enjoy this bloody holiday these Americans enjoy so much. Besides your wife was looking a little upset that you were spending the day in bed with your ex-girlfriend.”

“You don’t seem too upset by it.”

“Doesn’t really matter as much as I thought it did. It’s me she loves and if you get some weirdo thrill out of holding her then go for it.”

And as they made their way downstairs, Spike realized that it really didn’t matter that much, he found he was grateful that Angel had been there and to give Buffy the comfort she needed. Maybe there was some use for his Sire after all.

TBC

Chapter 22 - Shadows of My Mind

November 26, 2007 9:15 AM

“Hi, Buffy, how are you doing today?” Dr. Parker said as she bustled into the exam room. She looked around. “Where is Spike? I thought he was going to come to all the appointments.”

“He’s in the waiting room. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Buffy’s fingers played with the paper curtain around her waist, slowly tearing it, using it as a focal point so she wouldn’t have to look at her doctor.

“Is this something that Spike doesn’t know about?”

“No, no, he knows, it’s just that…”

“You want to hear my opinion and decide how much you want to tell him,” Dr. Parker finished.

It sounded a lot worse when the doctor put it like that, and Buffy flushed under the knowledge that was exactly what she wanted to do. It wasn’t totally selfish because her motive was to protect Spike from anymore hurt but then it was his wife and baby and he did have the right to know everything.

“Yeah, it was but I guess it’s not really fair.”

Dr. Parker laughed, “Do you want me to go and get him?”

“Yeah,” Buffy answered and smiled.

It took only a few moments for the doctor to go to the waiting room and bring a relieved Spike into the exam room.

“It’s like pregnant heaven out there,” he said, “and I felt like the odd man out, with my stomach not swollen and everything.” He took up residence in his chair, relaxing as he looked between the two women.

They both laughed at his comment as Dr. Parker settled onto her stool and opened Buffy’s file.

“So, what is up, young lady?”

“I’ve been having an unusual craving.” Buffy hesitated for a moment, unsure of the response that she would get. “It’s blood.”

To her credit and Buffy’s relief, her doctor didn’t show much of a reaction to Buffy’s statement, only the slight raising of her brows.

“And have you been drinking it?”

“Yeah, I’ve been drinking from Spike.”

“Ahhh, is that why you didn’t want him in here, because you wanted to ask if you were turning into a vampire?” The doctor polite and gentle smile allowed Buffy to relax for the first time since getting there.

“You were worried about that?” Spike asked. His brows knitted together as he looked at her in astonishment.

Buffy nodded her head, unable to speak past the lump in her throat as she fought back the tears that were stinging her eyes. Spike stood and wrapped his arms around her, rubbing his hands up and down her back. She leaned into her husband, thankful for the comfort that he was giving her.

“It doesn’t happen like that. There is no way you are becoming a vampire.”

“Spike’s right. The baby conceived from a vampire maybe causing the cravings due to its own genetic makeup or you may have been craving it simply from a lack of iron.”

“Really?” Buffy smiled. “It’s not like I don’t know how vampires are made but you and Angel were both talking about me taking on the characteristics of a vampire and I guess my imagination went into overdrive.”

“Angel?” Dr. Parker asked.

“He’s my Sire,” Spike replied and sat back down but never letting go of Buffy’s hand.

“Buffy, you are married to a vampire. You’re a Slayer. You know the habits and characteristics of being a vampire. Plus you did the ritual and you basically lived Spike’s life in fast motion. If you’re feeling fragile, it’s logical that you would fall back on what you know and what you may feel would bond you to Spike even more. Have you talked to Sara about all this?”

“No, not yet, my next appointment is Wednesday.”

“Talk to her. She’ll be able to help you with this more than I could but back to the craving for blood. Like I said, it could be the baby causing it or your iron count was low. So, we are going to treat what we can. I’m going to give you some new prenatal vitamins that I prescribe to women who are chronically anemic to give you extra iron.” Dr. Parker said as she reached for some papers that was hanging in files on the counter. She handed one to Buffy. “This is a list of high iron foods that I want you to start eating. Now, “she turned her to attention to Spike. “You can’t keep letting her drink your blood or you’re going to do some harm to yourself. I want you to start taking iron supplements yourself because I know you’re not going to listen to me. Be careful though and try to supplement it with human blood.”

“We have pig’s blood in the house.” Buffy said.

“No, no, for either of you,” Dr. Parker shook her head at them. “I’m surprised that Kate hasn’t said something. Spike, now that you have a human body you can pick up all sorts of diseases from pig’s blood, so, human blood from now on. I’ll call Kate later and arrange for you all to get some on a regular basis.”

“Thank, Dr. Parker, I…we appreciate it.”

“No problem, okay, unless there is something else, let’s proceed with the exam.”

Buffy lay back on the table, reaching for Spike’s hand, as Dr. Parker began to measure her stomach for the baby’s growth. She felt a lot better since talking to the doctor. Even though they were pretty sure that it was the baby that was causing the craving, it felt good to know that it might actually have a simple explanation also. It made it easier to keep loving her baby.

~~~~~~

November 26, 2007 1:17 PM

Mentally checking off the list in her head, Buffy grabbed the needed socks from his drawer and returned to the bed where there was an open duffel bag and garment bag. She packed the socks into the duffel bag and headed for the closet to get his suits and shirts. As she situated them in the garment bag, Spike returned to the room with a small bag with his toiletries in them. Holding her hand out, he gave it to her so she could nestle it in the smaller bag.

“You know you don’t have to do this for me,” Spike said. A warm smile plastered on his face as he plopped onto the bed and leaned against the headboard.

Buffy playfully pinched his leg and smiled. “But I like doing little domestic wifey things for you. It makes me feel like Samantha or something sending you off on a business trip with Larry.”

“You make it sound like you just want to get rid of me.”

Spike tried to pull her down onto his lap but she pulled away.

“Let me get this finished.” Buffy ticked off on her fingers as she went through her mental list of everything he would need for his trip to New York to meet with his publisher and for his first book signing. “The navy blue suit is for the business meeting, the black suit is for the television appearance and the faded jeans and black turtleneck is for the signing. And I threw in a couple of extra jeans and shirts.”

“You take such good care of me.” Spike mocked as she zipped up the two bags. As soon as she was done, he held his arms out. “Now, will you give me some?”

“Oh, does my husband, the television star, still want his plain little wife that he left behind in California,” Buffy teased as she settled onto his lap. She wiggled a little, enjoying the instant reaction against her hip, her arms looped around his neck. “I guess you do.”

“No one else but you will do, Baby. No one. And besides I’m not a star yet. I’m the last guest and I am only going to be on there for two minutes. Show the book, say my name and that’s it, time to roll the credits.”

“So, I’m safe until you’re the main guest, huh?”

“Something like that,” Spike teased her as he moved her onto her back and he covered her with his body.

Buffy’s fingers drifted through her husband’s locks and bent her leg allowing him greater access to the treasure between her thighs. His lips teased at her neck as his fingers kneaded her bottom, sending a haze of need coursing through Buffy’s body. It still wasn’t real that he was leaving her for three days and she was afraid of being without him. But she refused to say anything to him that would make him cancel and she knew he would if she asked.

“I love you, Baby. Take care of yourself over there. She might be there and planning something.”

The stalker had sent a dozen roses to the house that morning. The note attached offered congratulations and support for Spike’s trip and it had made her nervous. SB was becoming increasingly bolder and more familiar with each note. Spike was going to be out in the open and there was always the chance that she would plan some kind of meeting with him. Barney had offered a bodyguard but it had been turned down. Spike felt that a bodyguard would actually be more a hindrance if something would happen and he would be unable to use his vampire abilities to protect himself.

Spike rose up on his elbows to look down at her. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“I know you can take care of yourself. Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t like you being away from me.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

His hands were gentle as they brushed her hair back from her face. Buffy knew he would offer and she hated that she had shown weakness to him. Not today.

“No, I want you to go. Do what you need to do. Enjoy it and we’ll be fine.” She smiled up at her husband, using her happy grin to appease his worry. “I’ll be fine.”

Spike growled softly before kissing her finally. It was soft and coaxing as if he was memorizing the curve of them and the sweet pull that he always felt when he kissed her. A small electric charge that he could feel flashing down his body and ending in his groin, every time even after all these years. Each time was momentous in that she was his and would allow him to taste such glory. His tongue dipped and retreated into the warmth recesses of her mouth as she tried to capture it with her teeth. It was a familiar game that usually ended with them giggling and wrestling and today was no different as they played knowing that it couldn’t end in the love making that they really wanted. Giles as well the limousine to pick Spike up were on the way and time didn’t permit them the release they both needed. And just as Buffy was rolling Spike onto his back a knock sounded on the door.

“Let’s go,” Spike sighed as they stood. He grabbed his bag as Buffy took his hand and led him downstairs. At the bottom of the stairs, he put his bags down as she opened the door.

Giles stood at the door, with his hands in his pockets. Next to him was an unfamiliar man in a black suit.

“Hello, I’m here to pick up Mr. Blood,” the stranger said as Giles stepped into the house.

“That’s me,” Spike said. “Give me just one minute.”

The driver nodded and took the bags out to the car. As soon as he was down the steps Spike shut the door.

“Call me if anyone needs me,” he said. “Giles, take care of them for me.”

“I will,” the Watcher said. “Have fun in New York and just remember that everyone will be watching you.”

“Thanks, I so appreciate that Rupert.”

Buffy wrapped her arms around her husband, wanting and needing one last embrace before she sent him away. She sent a grateful look to Giles as he turned to head into the living room giving the couple a moment alone to say good-bye.

“I love you, Pet,” Spike whispered. He loosened her arms from around him and knelt on the floor at Buffy’s feet.

Buffy eyes filled with tears as he pulled her shirt up and tugged her pants down so he could converse with their baby. Moments like these made her realize how much her vampire had changed over the years. He was still as tough as ever but he was no longer afraid to let his tender side show. She loved it that he had opened himself so much for her and their family. The family he had said he never wanted but now lived for.

“You behave yourself,” he whispered to her tummy. “I love you and so does Mummy but I’m going to be gone for a few days and I need you not to give her a hard time when I’m not around. Take care of her for me.”

Spike placed a soft kiss on her belly, before rising to pull Buffy to him in a searing kiss that she felt all the way to her toes. She swore that she wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t do that to him. She would leave him with a smile. And when they broke the kiss, she wished him luck and told him how much she loved him and sent him on his way. She stayed at the door until the car was gone so that his last view of home would be her smiling and waving to him.

After the car was out of view, Buffy sighed and headed to the living room. Giles had made himself comfortable on the couch and she sat beside him.

“Where’s Benjamin?”

It was the way that her former Watcher hesitated and cleaned his glasses that made her wary.

“I left him with Tara at the shop for the afternoon.” Giles explained without looking at her.

Giles didn’t want to be alone with his baby while watching the crazy woman. The pain was sharp as his words cut through her heart. Buffy had assumed that if anyone would be able to handle what was happening to her it was Giles but apparently she had been wrong. She stood quickly and looked down at him.

“Make yourself at home, Giles. I’m going to go the basement and practice yoga. If you feel the need to watch me, go for it, otherwise I’ll be down there for about an hour or so.”

“Buffy, don’t be angry. It’s not like that. We just felt that it would be better if the baby wasn’t here and I could be fully available for you if you needed it.”

Even with the logical explanation it still hurt because she was being denied her friends now that they had been turned into her guards. Buffy had been looking forward to an afternoon of playing with Benjamin and visiting with Giles and now it had become a watch and wait game to see if she would have an episode. Knowing that it wasn’t his fault, Buffy kissed the older man on the cheek.

“I know Giles. Thank you for coming over. I’m still going to go downstairs. Like I said make yourself at home and hopefully nothing will happen on your shift.”

Smiling gently, Buffy left Giles sitting there as she made her way down stairs. It was getting lonelier by the minute and it was only going to get worse.

~~~~~~~~~

Buffy spread the mats across the floor, trying to shake off the bad feelings leftover from her encounter with Giles, and when the mats were down, she took a deep breath to try and focus. The yoga instructor at Tara’s school had put together a series of poses that were to help her both maintain her physical shape and to help her become more grounded in the world around her. She moved through the poses precisely and deliberately, letting each one give her the result that it was meant to give. After the routine was done and she had completed her cool down, she settled on the mat in the lotus position. The lights had been dimmed and a candle sent a soothing scent drifting in the air as she let her mind slip into a meditative state.

Tara had suggested that she try meditating again to gain focus and hopefully keep her from having or reducing her episodes. Today she let her breathing fall into a deep and steady rhythm as her mind floated freely. Trying not to force herself into any one place would help reveal what was going on inside of her.

A smile curved Buffy’s lips as she found herself in the middle of a field with a clear night sky above her. It was like black velvet with stars so bright and close, making her feel that she could just reach up and take a hold of one. The smell of a fire burning made her scan the horizon and on the edge of the field was a small farm house. A fantasy weaved with her vision of her and Spike living here, so far away from everything and everyone, free to be only themselves and to enjoy and love each other unreservedly. Anticipation hummed along her nerve endings as she ran joyfully toward the house, laughter echoed around her, and she knew it was her that sounded so childish and free. She didn’t even hesitate at the door, this was for her, and she stepped into the house.

Immediately a stifling heat and an overwhelming stench assaulted her as she stepped into the living room. Gagging she wanted to leave this place but she knew what caused the smell and she couldn’t stop her feet from taking her to the source. Room to room she wandered until she came into the kitchen. The table still held the dinner that wasn’t finished and her eyes slowly became focused to the near darkness but she knew this was where the odor originated. It was in this room and her hand fumbled for the light switch. Light flooded the room and nausea overwhelmed her as the two bodies on the floor became startlingly clear in the harsh illumination. The man and woman stared unseeingly at the ceiling, their throats torn open.

Wrenching free from the vision, Buffy ran for the sink and vomited her lunch into the basin. Her body refused to quit rebelling until everything was gone. She looked toward the stairs, hoping that Giles hadn’t heard her; reached for a paper towel to wipe her face and hands. After cleaning up she slid along the washer until she was sitting on the floor. She wondered if Dawn was right about the ritual. That somehow her mind had been fractured and now it was slowly breaking open and her conscience was becoming lost in Spike’s memories.

TBC

Chapter 23 - Tracing Time

November 27, 2007 3:47 PM

Raven and the Scoobettes were sitting around the Blood’s kitchen table, mapping out their strategy for the afternoon. The plans to change the world were just getting more detailed as the Slayer and her best friend studied twentieth century history and was given encouragement by Delores. Buffy watched their meeting with an amused smile remembering once when she and her Scoobies had been just as enthusiastic about winning the world from evil. These days she wondered if it had all been in vain as the darkness came ever closer to her.

“So, what are you all doing today,” Buffy asked, leaning against the counter and holding her glass of juice.

“We are going shopping,” Raven replied.

“Evil of the world flee in terror, Raven has Daddy’s credit card.”

The young people, their surrogate grandmother and one demon laughed as they looked up at her. It made Buffy feel good to have them around. Their new energy for the fight and the new perspectives on the world really did give her hope when she let it.

“Oh, Mum, we are all going shopping at the mall. Even Clem,” Raven explained. “You know take him into the mainstream Christmas shopping. It was Delores’ idea.”

“Ahhh, lunch counter movement,” Buffy said.

“Exactly,” Delores responded.

The group stood and Raven came over to Buffy and hugged her.

“Willow called and she’ll be a little late. Giles already knows and said he could stay. You going to be okay with Elijah? I’d take him but…” Raven said.

“No, it’s okay. Go, do your thing, Elijah and I are going to take over the backyard anyway. Move our game out into the open.”

Raven laughed and hugged her mother again. “I don’t what exactly you and Eli are doing in this game but it’s keeping him happy. I love you and we’ll be home in time for dinner.”

“Love you, too, Baby,” Buffy told her as Raven headed for the door.

Buffy laughed as suddenly she was hugged by her son, Connor, Dawn and Josh, each in turn before they left. None of them had any fear or reservations about being around her. They took each day in stride and didn’t treat her any differently except for some extra coddling. It made her feel a lot older than she was, more of a real mom age to their youth. It was okay though because she didn’t feel twenty-six anymore as life forced her into a maturity that she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

~~~~~~~~

Raven and Delores took a seat on the bench in the mall. The iced coffee they had gotten to share was on the bench between them while they began to munch on specialty cookies. From where they were they had a clear view of the others in the music store.

“What did you want to talk about?” Raven asked. Delores had pulled her aside and suggested they talk. While it had her curiosity up, it also made her nervous because she thought she might have done something to upset the older woman.

“I just wanted to check in on you. See how you were doing.”

The teen laughed and picked up the drink to postpone having to answer. What could she say? That she was scared to death that the woman she’d just accepted as her mother would be lost to insanity. That her future baby brother or sister was some kind of demon and would have to be destroyed after everybody had waited for it to be born. That she missed her Dad like crazy because he was the rock of the family and no one else could really handle her mother besides him. That when her parents found out that Sean is gay, they’d kick him out, so she had to hold onto his secret which made her feel guilty for lying to her parents. That she was in love with a man six years older than her and would do anything if he’d asked her to. That she was tired of trying to keep up her schoolwork and slaying and trying to change the world. That she was tired of living a life she couldn’t be open about. And, oh yeah, sometimes she just wanted to run away and be alone instead of living in a crowded house where there was no privacy.

In the end, Raven did what she always did. She denied everything. She was the Slayer and they weren’t allowed to be human, the world was on her shoulders and she had to take care of everybody and make sure they were happy. And the hell with how she was feeling about it.

“I’m fine, Del, you know me, I can handle it all.”

“Bullshit, Raven. You can’t. No one can. So, let’s take it a little slower. How’s it going with you and Connor?”

“Friends,” Raven answered, her eyes searching the store for him. Her eyes softened and a smile danced on her lips at the sight of him joking with Josh about something. “Friends for now but every once in a while there’s this thing that happens that, you know, shows that one day there will be more. So, I’m happy with it.”

“How’s the slaying going?”

“Slaying…ummm, my training is going really good. Patrolling can be a pain in the ass. Repetitive mostly but sometimes the adrenaline rush is cool when you know that you saved somebody.” Raven chuckled. “And when Connor goes with me it’s definitely fun.”

“And how are you handling your mother’s problems? Look, I know it’s none of my business, really, but I care about you and your family.” Delores sighed. “I watched you and Buffy today. It was like you were the adult and she was the kid.”

The Slayer turned to look at her friend before turning to look at the floor. It was true, well, at least since Spike had left that she felt like she had to make sure that everything was okay. To run interference when there was stress between anybody in the house and trying to appease everyone.

“Sometimes it feels that way but mostly it’s just checking things off. And most of the time she’s fine and still in Mum mode which is cool because it’s then that she still takes care of us. I know that with Dad gone, she’s stressed out because everyone is just putting her under a microscope waiting for something to happen. It’s like relax people, you can’t tell, it’s like a light switch, one minute she’s Buffy and then next she’s dark Mummy. Elijah calls her that. All she wants is to be with her friends and Dad and us and have a good time. So, I like to make sure everything is smooth.”

“Big burden for one so young,” Delores replied, running her hand down Raven’s hair and patting her back.

“So, is slaying and you just do what you have to do. Come on; let’s go catch up with the others.”

“Catch up with Connor, you mean.”

Raven grinned because it was true. She appreciated the chance to talk to Delores a little and know that someone else cared but right now, she was fifteen, she was in the mall with Connor, and she wanted to have some fun before going home.

~~~~~~~~~

November 27, 2007 5:15 PM

The house was quiet as Willow walked in. There were no sounds of laughter from the kids, no television blaring and no puppy skittering down the hallway to check out who was there. It was eerily quiet and the witch hesitated in the front hall trying to ascertain if everything was all right before venturing any further. She almost jumped when she finally did hear a noise, a tea cup clinking against a saucer and Willow relaxed. Giles and from the sound of it he was in the kitchen. Hurrying she made her way down the hallway, her heels sounding unusually loud on the wood floor.

“Hey, Giles, where is everybody? Had me scared there for a minute, I thought the house was empty.”

The Watcher looked up at her with so much sadness in his eyes that Willow once again thought something had happened. A bark from the backyard led the red head to the window to see if that was where everyone was. Candy was running madly around the yard with some kind of cape tied to her back, and after emitting a small gasp, Willow accepted the sight before her. Buffy and Elijah were building a mud castle in the middle of the back yard. The grass was torn up to make room for their creation and around them were a dozen action figures and Barbie dolls.

“What are they doing?” Willow turned to look at Giles but he had come up beside her without her even noticing.

“Playing some type of imaginary game. Raven said it started last weekend but it has been getting more elaborate every day.”

“What did Buffy say about it?”

“Just that she was playing with her child and it was none of my business what the game was.”

“Ouch. Is she…you know?” Willow looked up the man who considered himself Buffy’s father, knowing that he had to be hurt by her words. And as much as she hated to admit in a way Willow hoped that Buffy was having an episode so that it wouldn’t hurt the Watcher as much.

“No, she’s not. This might be a symptom of everything, the wanting to play like a child, but no she is clearly lucid. And actually, maybe, we shouldn’t read so much into it. If she is afraid that she might lose this battle, maybe she wants to spend as much time with Elijah as possible, to leave him with good memories.”

“Yeah, that would definitely leave him remembering her with good feelings. My parents certainly never did things like that. So, we take this as a good thing and not something to worry about. Right?”

Giles placed an arm around the woman that he also considered a daughter and laughed softly.

“Yeah, we won’t borrow trouble until we have to, so yes, this will be a good thing.”

~~~~~~~~~

After a quick glance at her watch, Buffy turned to her son, “Time to start cleaning up. You need to get in the bathtub while I find something for dinner.”

“Hot dogs,” Elijah responded hopefully.

Laughing at her son’s easy appetite, she began to put the dolls in the crate for them to be washed off later. The mud they had been building their castle with had gotten all over everything.

“Maybe,” Buffy said. “Maybe chili dogs and french fries.”

“Yeah.”

The two had finished putting the dolls in the crate and Buffy told Elijah to put them on the back porch while she gathered the gardening tools to be washed also. Whistling for Candy, Buffy untied the cape from her back before telling her to do her business before they went in. The back door slammed shut and Buffy looked up to see Willow coming her way. Taking in her friend’s neat and business like attire; Buffy unconsciously wiped the mud from her hands and looked away.

“Hey, Buffy, looks like you guys are finishing up.”

“We are. Eli needs to take a bath while I fix dinner.”

“Sounds good. It’s gonna be dark soon.”

The remark was probably just a random comment but to Buffy, it was an insult, a comment that meant she was incompetent. Straightening she turned to her friend.

“Look, I know it’s going to be dark soon. That’s why we are cleaning up. I know that Elijah needs to take a bath and that I need to find something for dinner. And I know that grown ups aren’t supposed to play in the mud. All right? I’m fine and I don’t need you to mother me.” Buffy held her arms to her son and when he rushed to her side, she picked him up and hurried into the house, leaving Willow to stare after her.

”You okay, Mummy?”

“Yeah, Sweetie, Mummy’s fine. Just tired that’s all.”

It took only a few minutes to get the tub running and her son into the water with some bath toys before she moved across the hall to change her clothes. The quick wash she gave her hands and face would have to do until she had time for a shower later.

“Buffy, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.” Willow said, standing nervously in the doorway to the master bedroom. “I just don’t seem to know what to do or say anymore.”

Buffy sighed as she pulled a clean T-shirt over her head and reached for a pair of Spike’s sweat pants. Big and comfy was all she was looking for, she told herself, trying to still get over the feeling that she was unattractive. The comfortable clothes, the growing stomach, the desire not even to put make up on anymore. Tears gathered in her eyes when she remembered calling herself plain in front of Spike and he hadn’t argued with her. And there Willow stood, in her nice suit, fixed hair and perfect make up on, trying to tell her that Buffy was making her nervous. Buffy could feel the dizzy feeling coming over her. It was funny that it always happened when she was really stressed or really relaxed but this time she fought it.

“Go home, Willow, take your stuff and leave,” Buffy said, turning to sit on the edge of the bed. She didn’t want her friends to be her guards. She wanted them to be friends. There had to be another way.

“No, I’m not. I told Spike that I would stay and I will. I said I was sorry and I am.”

“Willow, go home, while we are still friends.” Willow walked toward her and it was too much. She couldn’t do this anymore. If this kept up, she may as well be in an institution being monitored twenty-four hours a day. Her emotions bubbled over and she couldn’t seem to stop the words that came next. “Get the fuck out of my house before I call the police and have you thrown out.”

This time Willow left, turning her on her perfect little heels and clacking down the hall. Buffy breathed a sigh of relief and stood to go and help her son finish his bath.

~~~~~~~~~

Willow hadn’t left. She couldn’t leave Buffy and Elijah alone, so she sat in the rocker on the front porch and waited. She had called Xander first, hoping that he could talk to Buffy and the other call was to Raven who was already on the way home. A quick protection spell was put on Elijah, just in case, because Willow wasn’t sure if Buffy was just tired and cranky or if she was slipping into an episode. Either way she knew her presence was only making the situation worse.

The first night had gone all right. The two friends had talked, trying to get caught up on things that were happening in the family, talked about everything but what was happening to Buffy. Willow knew that Buffy felt like she was being watched all the time and had tried to stay away from any remarks that could be construed as her thinking Buffy wasn’t in control. From what she had seen Buffy was in control. Maybe just stressed and she wasn’t sure what had upset Buffy tonight.

Sighing, Willow rested her head on the back of the chair and listened to the sounds from in the house; Buffy and Elijah talking, the radio coming on, and Candy barking about something. With relief the minivan pulled into the driveway with Connor at the wheel. Everyone climbed out and hurried toward the house with worried expressions. As they gathered on the porch, Xander’s car pulled in.

“What happened? Are they all right?” Raven asked.

“They’re fine. I think they’re in the kitchen fixing dinner. She kicked me out and said she’d call the police to make me leave if I didn’t.” Willow explained.

“Did the two of you fight or something?” Xander asked as he joined everyone.

Willow shook her head. “Buffy and Elijah were playing in the backyard and I went out to talk to them and let Buffy know I was here and I said something about it getting dark and she snapped. I mean snapped at me, not, you know, snapped.”

As Willow talked to the others and they tried to figure out what was going on, they didn’t notice Delores slipping into the house.

~~~~~~~~

After placing a kiss on her son’s head and a plate of raw vegetables on the table at the same time, Buffy smiled before returning to the stove to stir the chili. She looked up as Delores walked into the room and felt relief flood her system. After ordering Willow out, she realized that she had just set herself up for more stress because word would quickly spread through the family about what she had done and she would have to explain herself to all of them. But worse than all of that was that she knew Spike would be angry with her and that she couldn’t handle.

“Hi, Buffy, how you doing?” Delores asked as she walked over to snitch a carrot from the plate in front of Elijah. Doing a double take she looked at the purple goop that the boy was dipping his vegetables in. “What in the world is that?”

“Ranch dressing,” Buffy laughed. “I know it’s horrible but if he likes it.” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Do you mind if we talk for a minute? Promise no pressure or lectures.”

Warily Buffy looked at the older woman and couldn’t see any censure in her eyes so she nodded her agreement.

“Your sister and everybody are on the porch, Eli, why don’t you take your veggies out there?”

“It’s okay, honey,” Buffy told the boy when he looked at her for approval and once he received it, he grabbed the plate and ran out. “No, running and watch out for Candy.” Turning to Delores, she added, “The dog will run under your feet to try to beat you to where you are going. So, what’s up?”

Delores joined her by the stove and began to pull buns out of the package to pile on a platter.

”Do you have enough for everybody or do you want me to send the boys out?”

“Everybody’s still here?”

“Yes, and Willow is on the porch and Xander showed up.”

“Great,” Buffy replied, turning to head for the freezer where she grabbed a couple more packages of hot dogs and buns. “I assume the guys will stay but Willow and Xander probably won’t.”

The two women worked in silence for a few minutes as Buffy added more hot dogs to a pot of boiling water and Delores put the buns in the microwave to thaw.

“I talked to Raven some today. She is feeling a little overwhelmed and I can see that you are, too. Go ahead and say it if you feel like it, that I am an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business.”

Buffy giggled, surprising her neighbor with a hug. “No, but I’m glad that you’re open to some honesty at least.”

“You get to my age and it’s really all that matters.”

“I’ve been worried about Raven.” Buffy said, turning to lean against the counter and returned Delores’s smile. “She’s trying so hard to be an adult but she shouldn’t have to. The slaying is enough without trying to take care of everything else. Spike doesn’t want me doing anything but Raven and Sean don’t need to worry about it either. It’s a vicious cycle around here with everyone trying to take care of me and the house.” Her hands unconsciously rubbed her stomach.

“Well, I’ve been doing some thinking since talking to Raven. And please accept this in the spirit it’s offered. Hire me.”

“Huh?”

“Simple really, that’s what I did before I retired. I ran people’s households, worked at a couple of the mansions on Crawford Street. Hire me to take care of the things that are overwhelming everyone else. I’m assuming that you haven’t hired anyone outside to do it because of the unusual circumstances, I mean, Spike, you and Raven, Elijah’s powers not the your illness. But I already know about all those things so you wouldn’t have to worry about me finding out.”

Stunned Buffy could only stare at Delores for a moment while the idea ran through her mind. She was right about the outside help because she and Spike had discussed it but it had been dismissed because there was no way they could hide that much of their lives.

“What exactly would you do?” Buffy laughed, nervous because she hadn’t done this before and wasn’t sure what she was supposed to ask.

“Well, I can help out with the meals, and the kids, baby-sit Eli in the afternoons if you have errands or just need to rest, do laundry and light housekeeping. Mrs. Davis’s daughter-in-law runs a cleaning business and we can ask her to come over once or twice a week to do the rest of the cleaning. It will give the rest of you the time to deal with what you need to. And if you like I can stay here while Spike is gone so you’re friends don’t have too.”

It felt like a gift to Buffy and she couldn’t help it as the tears flowed down her cheeks. It was freedom from guilt for her and freedom from her friends having to watch her and freedom for her husband and kids having to take care of the house.

“Are you sure you want to do this? We can get pretty rambunctious around here and well, there’s what’s going on with me.”

Delores took her hands and squeezed them. “Buffy, I’m a big girl and it doesn’t scare me. We’ll just deal with things as they happen.”

“Thank you, please, we need the help.”

Relief flooded Buffy as she realized that she didn’t have to force herself to be ‘normal’ anymore. She could let whatever was going on with her, ebb and flow as it came because things would be taken care of. She released a sigh as she turned her house over to the woman in front of her.

The two women chattered as they set the table for dinner, working in harmony and finishing settling the arrangements of what exactly Del’s ‘duties’ would be but Buffy felt more relaxed than she had been in days and couldn’t wait to tell everyone of the plan. Maybe her friends could be her friends again and Spike would be able to relax and all of them could just enjoy being together for a change.

TBC

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