Chapter 27 - Running Through My Fingers

December 5, 2007 4:11 PM

Giles pulled the car into their driveway and almost before it came to a complete stop, Spike and Buffy had climbed out. Spike took her hand and headed for the house without a backward glance.

“Spike, may I speak with you for a moment,” Giles called.

The couple stopped and turned to look at him. Spike wanted to tell him to sod off but Buffy laid her hand on his chest and her beseeching eyes met his.

“Go, talk to him,” Buffy said, casting a last glance at her ex-Watcher before walking away.

Sighing, Spike turned around to find Giles coming around the front of the car toward him.

“I’m sorry if you misunderstood me earlier,” Giles said. “I just think that we have to look at everything a little less emotionally for her sake.”

Spike laughed humorlessly. “She’s my wife, Rupert; it’s a little hard for me to view her anyway but emotionally.”

Leaning against his car, Giles sighed, “And that is my point. You do see her emotionally and may not be able to clearly see what is best for her.”

“The best thing for her is what it has always been: to be with me.”

“Has it? I can remember quite a few times when the two of you have been quite poisonous to each other,” Giles said. “And most of the time too dependent on the other to be able to see what would be the best thing to do.”

Rocking back on his heels, Spike rolled his eyes at the other man. “And yet somehow we make it through whatever it is and are stronger for it. And no matter what is going on we have each other’s back, always have, unlike some of our so called friends.”

“You’re getting paranoid, Spike. No one is trying to hurt either one of you. I want what is best for Buffy and the two of you are too close to see things clearly. The least that you can do is listen to us with an open mind and trust that we might see something that you don’t.”

“Don’t, Rupert,” Spike said, his voice dropping dangerously low. “Do you want me to remind you of all the times that if either one of us had trusted the lot of you to make decisions that we might not even be here?”

“Spike, we’ve all made mistakes but a lot of times we have been right too.” Giles removed his glasses and stood up to face the vampire. “We’ve done what we can. All of us; we’ve spent countless hours researching and trying to find something that we can vanquish and we can’t. We have to accept that she is probably schizophrenic and she needs help. Help that you can’t give her.”

“She is not going into a hospital. I won’t let it happen, no matter what anyone says. Did you forget that she was institutionalized once before by her mother? And its one of the reasons she’s having problems now. To go back in would destroy whatever fight she has left in her and I won’t let it happen to her.”

“And what are you going to do when she is completely insane?” Giles replied sadly. “Sara says the sicker she becomes the more likely she is to become violent.”

Spike shrugged, refusing to give an inch to the man in front of him. Buffy trusted him to protect her and their family and he would. No matter what the personal cost to him was.

“So, far she hasn’t been violent.” Spike said. “And if--if--that day comes then I’ll decide what to do. But until then she is staying at home with the people who love her. It’s up to you if you’re one of those people or not.”

Turning Spike started to take a step toward the house.

“And what about your children? Is this the best situation for them to be in? Have you thought about what this is doing to them? That maybe they would be better off…”

Spike didn’t give him a chance to finish. In full vampire guise, he grabbed Giles by his coat and pushed him against the car.

“Listen, because I am only going to say this once. My children are loved, protected and taken care of; a lot more than they would be anywhere else or with anyone else.” Spike hauled the Watcher up until he was standing on his tip toes. “Dial one number, utter one word to break up this family and you will deal with me, old man. Do you understand?”

Without waiting for a reply, Spike released Giles and stalked to the house, his body trembling with anger. How could Giles? After all this time and everything they had been through? To just give up? On Buffy? It wasn’t right. Somewhere there was, there had to be, an answer that would bring his wife back to him. And Spike wouldn’t stop searching until he found it.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Daddy, look, Raven’s putting stakes on her stocking,” Elijah called out from the security of Buffy’s arms.

Following the call of his son, Spike joined his family at the kitchen table. Sitting next to Raven, he glanced over her shoulder at the designs she was putting on her Christmas stocking.

“What? Mum said to design it however we wanted,” Raven defended herself. “And I’m going to put hearts on it, too.”

“Yeah, and Connor’s picture,” Sean teased.

“Oh, shut up, at least mine isn’t boring. I think you should put a big fat rainbow on it,” Raven retorted, gesturing at Sean’s stocking only adorned with his name.

“Stop now you two,” Spike advised, seeing the flash of hurt on Sean’s face. His hand caressed his daughter’s hair for a moment and when he got the feeling that someone was staring at him, Spike turned toward Buffy. “Everything okay, Baby?”

“Yep, right as rain, on the plain in Spain,” Buffy quipped. “Okay, sorry, watched ‘My Fair Lady’ yesterday.” Her family shook their heads at her and she broke out in laughter. “You guys, have no sense of humor anymore.”

“Might have laughed if it was funny,” Raven muttered.

“Don’t be mean,” Elijah said, looking up from his coloring book. His stocking was done and, like Sean’s, had only his name on it.

A knock on the door interrupted what would have been a dramatic moment in Raven’s life having been scolded twice in the last few minutes. Sean hurried to open the door. Xander stood in the doorway, smiled around at everyone before stepping into the kitchen. Sean returned to his seat while Xander glanced down at the project on the table.

“Getting in the Christmas spirit, I see,” Xander said.

“And Hanukah and Winter Solstice,” Raven announced. “We are an equal opportunity holiday celebrating kind of family.” She turned to look at her father. “Do vampires have holidays?”

“None you’d want to celebrate,” Spike answered.

“Yeah,” Sean said. “Because they all have to do with sacrificing smart mouthed teenage girls.”

Raven smacked Sean in the arm, forgetting her strength and knocked him to the floor. But before Sean could retaliate, Spike was between them.

“That’s it. Both of you neutral corners now,” he demanded. “I don’t know what burr is up your arses tonight but settle it.” Spike smiled at his wife. “This is a time of celebration and love and you two are ruining it.”

Both teens returned to the table and their stockings with reluctance. Spike turned to study his friend, obviously uncomfortable. Their gazes met and Spike knew why he was there. Giles had sent him.

“What brings you over?”

“I brought over some of the supplies for the attic,” Xander replied.

“Thought you were going to wait until this weekend,” Spike said, unable to keep the anger from his tone. “Or was that just an excuse for the real reason.”

Their gazes clashed and Xander raised his hands in mock surrender.

“Here as Switzerland. Strictly neutral, man, strictly neutral.”

Spike didn’t want to say anything in front of Buffy and the children. Sighing, he headed for the kitchen door, “Well, come on, let’s get it unloaded.”

Neither man said anything until they reached Xander’s truck. Spike stood aside as the brunette dropped the tailgate and without discussing it, they both took a seat on it. It was in moments like that one that Spike wished he still smoked. It would take the edge off; instead he looked around his backyard, trying to put off this conversation. No matter had badly the first years had been, the human beside him had become his best friend and in many ways the brother he never had. He knew it was that way for both of them. Xander had confided that he had actually been relieved to have another male around even one as snarky as he was.

“I didn’t come here to fight with you, Spike. I didn’t come here to start trouble. Giles called and told me what happened and hey, get this, he thinks if anyone can talk to you, it’d be me.”

“Guess he forgot how much you hate me.”

“Must’ve,” Xander laughed then sobered as if he remembered the seriousness of the situation. “Look, I am the last one that wants to see anything happen to our girl. Especially being…God, I can’t even say it.” He paused and Spike was surprised to see tears hovering on Xander’s lashes. “She told me. A couple of years ago, it was at one of the parties we always used to have, we were both drunk as skunks and she told me everything about that place. That was too much for a kid to deal with. And the thing is I loved Joyce but in that one act she was almost crueler than my parents have been in my lifetime.”

“You’re on our side then?”

“There aren’t any sides in this. We all love her but maybe we just see different things.”

“She’s my wife.”

“Yeah, and she is my friend, my sister, my golden girl and my savior, all wrapped in one little body and to this day I would lay down my life for her without a second thought; but I can’t fight this, Spike…and neither can you.”

Ignoring his friend’s pain, Spike hopped off the back of the back of the truck and paced for a few seconds before facing Xander.

“But I will fight it. I will fight it every second of every day until I find an answer to bring her back to me. All of her, happy and whole again,” Spike said, tears running down his face. “Buffy is my life, do you understand that? She is precious and needed by me and our children. And I will die before I lock her away somewhere. Because she has already proven that she would do the same.”

It was too much and Spike gave into the sobs that were wracking his body. His hand covered his face and didn’t see Xander move. All he felt was the arms that wrapped around him and he leaned into his friend.

“I know, buddy, I know.” Xander said, giving little awkward pats to Spike’s back. “Hey, it’s the season of miracles and if Deadboy can get one. Why not Buffy?”

Spike shook his head and pulled back. “I think Buffy is the Power’s little whipping girl. Let’s see how much one woman can take.” He threw his head back and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before looking at Xander again. “I can’t do it. Not now. Not ever. Go tell Giles that. Tell him that he can help us or stay away. She doesn’t need anyone to bring her down and make her doubt that one day she’ll get through this.”

Xander nodded, “I will.” He laid a hand on the vampire’s shoulder. “We’ll find something. Now, can we be macho men and unload the construction supplies.”

“Thank God, too much sentimentality and I would be ready to vomit.” Spike joked. He was relieved that Xander hadn’t put any pressure on him to institutionalize Buffy. It wasn’t what they needed right now. Maybe they would just let it go but that was too much to hope for because they never did. He would just have to find a way to keep them away from his wife if they persisted.

~~~~~~~~~~

December 6, 2007 1:15 AM

Buffy knew he was there before he said anything; she always did. Her senses searched for him and spoke to her when he was near. The blood rushing a little more, the ache deep in her loins and the tingle along the base of her skull were all things that had started in the last month or so. She hadn’t told anyone of this new thing that was happening to her. Her Slayer abilities had always done this because he was a vampire but this was different. Deeper and more needful now. It was a calling for the one thing that would calm her. Like in Sara’s office. His voice and his touch anchored her and when he wasn’t close a part of her sent out almost psychic messages until he was located. Relief would flood and comfort her once he was found. A warm blanket on a cold night and she turned to watch him emerge from the lower level of the crypt.

“Hey, Baby, what are you doing in here?” Spike asked, his eyes searching her face.

She knew what he was looking for, a sign of whether she was here with him or lost somewhere. Smiling, Buffy waited until he was seated on the old couch with her, his arm around the back and she leaned close to him. Her nose was alongside of his and she opened her eyes wide, staring deep into his.

“Just me in here,” she teased before kissing him. Light and quick but he captured her face with those hands that always held her so secure and he deepened the kiss. His tongue lapped at her lips and she leaned closer to him, letting her body settle against him. He sighed as she opened her mouth for him to plunder and her fingers danced along his ribs.

“So, why are you down here instead of sleeping next to me?”

“Reminiscing,” Buffy responded, turning so that her back was against him. Her head cradled under his chin and Spike wrapped his arms around her.

“About this place?” Spike asked, and she could hear the laughter he was holding back.

“Oh, come on, this was the first place we lived together. You never think about those days?”

“Yeah, I do, they weren’t that bad. After all you were with me.”

“We were together.” Buffy paused for a moment. She covered one of his hands with hers. “I left letters for the children in my vanity drawer.” Buffy squeezed his hand when she felt him about to protest. “Shhh, don’t. Just in case I don’t come out of it one day. I haven’t given up. It’s just in case. There are things I want to make sure they know.”

“Okay.”

Buffy knew better to push him too much so she dropped the subject. There would be time to cover the rest. If not there was a letter waiting for him too.

“So, what is your favorite memory of this place?”

He laughed and tightened his hold on her. “You wearing those skimpy outfits. My God, you looked like a hooker half the time. That and those sex lessons. You were so earnest about learning how to please me.”

“And I did quite well, didn’t I?”

“Oh, that you did,” Spike said and broke out into song. “Hot child in the city, runnin’ wild and lookin’ pretty. Come on down to my place and we’ll make love.”

Buffy giggled and turned to kiss him. “I love you so much.”

“Love you, too, more than ever.”

Meeting his gaze, she smiled, “I know. I’ve always known and that’s why I came here in the first place.” She sighed and ran her hand over her belly. “I guess the days of the skimpy outfits are over. I’m going to get fat and…”

Spike shifted until he was kneeling on the floor, his hands covering hers and her stomach. Those blue eyes looked into hers, and she felt chills racing along her body at the love and wonder in their depths.

“No, don’t ever say that. You’re body is even more beautiful to me now. It’s creating a life. Our child. I know I wasn’t on board with this when I should have been but I am now. Did you forget what you did? I did for awhile but I remember now.”

Buffy ran a hand through his blonde locks, “What did I do?”

“I was a man who had been dead for a hundred years and you brought me back to life. From that we created a little person inside of you and that is the most beautiful thing in this world.” Spike leaned forward and kissed the slight bulge of their child, “I died so many years ago, but you can make me feel like it isn’t so.” Spike pulled back embarrassment on his face. “Sorry, don’t know why…”

“Sing, hurry,” Buffy said, her hand pulling him toward her stomach again. “I don’t care what just sing.”

“So, young to be loose and on her own. And why am I singing? Young boys they want to take her home.”

“I felt the baby, Spike, the baby moved when you were singing.”

Spike flattened his hand against her, “You felt him. You felt our baby.”

Throwing her arms around his neck, she kissed his cheek, wetting it with the tears of joy that were falling. “Yes, I felt our baby. It was just a tiny flutter but she moved because of you. She heard her Daddy singing.”

They were both laughing as he started to sing again, random snatches of songs that he remembered as their entwined hands covered their growing child. Buffy smiled at the man kneeling in front of her, at the awe on his face, and she prayed that if there was a choice between her and her baby, they would let her baby be the one to be all right. This child was the proof of their love and continued faith that somehow they would win in the end. As long as the babe was fine then that hope would live on.

to be continued…

Author’s note: Lyrics for ‘Hot Child in the City’ are the property of Nick Glider and Twin Music.

Chapter 28 - A Family Unraveled

Spike knew he was supposed to be paying bills. That was the whole reason for him to hide away in his study but his mouse kept clicking through his favorite sites, checking out things that he enjoyed instead of things he had to do. Buffy was napping, Del was baking in the kitchen, Elijah was with Tara and Sean and Raven were parked in front of the television. He wasn’t needed anywhere at the moment and Spike couldn’t concentrate on something as mundane as the electric bill when he could look in on some old demon friends of his.

“Dad,” Raven said, appearing at the doorway. “Mum just headed outside.”

“What is she doing?”

“I don’t know but she’s in one of her…you know…she was mumbling about something matching.”

Sighing, Spike hurried out of the room followed by his daughter. Del and Sean were standing at the back door and stepped out of his way as he came through.

“Doesn’t match, doesn’t match at all, won’t do, it just won’t do,” Buffy rambled, kneeling at the flower bed in front of the porch.

“Go back inside. I’ve got this,” Spike said and knelt beside Buffy. “Hey, sweetheart, what’s going on?”

“The flowers are wrong. Don’t match the house,” Buffy answered, pulling plants from the ground and throwing them aside. “Can’t stand, abide, bear, don’t like them. Have to go, they have to go.

“We planted them for the fall, remember?”

“We should have painted the house then. Do it now but,” Buffy said, reaching her arms up. “I can’t reach the top. No, no, can’t reach, so they have to die, they’ll die, just like everything else I touch. No, that’s” Her hands rubbed her temples. “Me, they go away. All go away.” She turned to look at Spike. “Why haven’t you gone away like the others?”

Spike tucked her hair behind her ear but Buffy pulled away to yank more plants from the ground. He shook his head at the dirt that was flying everywhere as she threw her victims haphazardly away. The last few days had been relatively calm ones for his wife. Feeling her baby move had put her on this high that she had been determined to maintain.

“Because I love you, Buffy, that’s why I stay.” Spike answered, feeling he was talking to himself as Buffy scooted away to attack some more of their flowers. “Told you I’d always be here and I will.”

“Fool,” Buffy declared, crawling back to him. Her hands cupped his face as she searched for something. “You don’t love me. Prize. Won me, no, maybe you do.” Her hands rubbed her belly for a moment then came to cup his face again. “I’m a Mummy now and you like to fuck your mums. But I’m not your Mum, not nearly but you made me a Mum, does that count?”

“What are you talking about?”

Glancing back at the house to make sure their family was still inside, Spike contemplated Buffy. Her words had hit something inside of him that he didn’t like to think about. Something he tried to forget but Buffy had seen it and had never brought up until now. She had known that it was something of great shame for him and best left alone.

“Your Mummy. You loved her very much didn’t you? Yes, you did. She always petted and caressed you. The only woman that would touch William.” Buffy leaned to whisper in his ear. “Wet dreams about your own mother. How very very naughty. William was a bad boy with his hands, then your other Mummy came and you could play with her all you wanted. Fuck your Mummy, finally got to be inside, crawl back, where you wanted to be.”

“Stop it, Buffy, please,” Spike pleaded, aghast at her words. This couldn’t be happening. Buffy could be bitchy and mean to him but never had anything crueler come from her. He tried to tell himself it was the insanity that she couldn’t help it but the humiliation was almost overwhelming. His hands grasped her arms and shook her to try to snap her out of it.

“Fuck Mummy, lick her, and kiss her, and,” Buffy stopped for a moment and her eyes opened wide. “You beat your Mummy with a whip and paddle. Is that why you want to play games with me?” Her head tilted to the side and her hand drifted down to his chest. “When your Mummy, the one you murdered, spanked you, did it make you all hard?”

Spike slapped her.

“Oh, God, Buffy, I’m sorry,” Spike said, trying to pull her up from where she lay on the ground. She refused his help and remained on the ground, holding her cheek. He brushed her hair out of her face. “Baby, come on, let’s go and get you cleaned up.”

“Nothing is right today. Can’t find it.” Buffy said, looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “It doesn’t match and my face hurts.” She rested her hand on his arm. “Pain it calls out to me.” She dragged her nails down his arm, leaving a trail of scratches that broke the skin and drew blood. She pulled him to her and her tongue lapped at the blood. “Mine, always mine, bad women, from before, didn’t understand.”

Blood and tears flowed as he watched Buffy lick at the scratches. Someone had ripped his soul from him that afternoon as he saw a new level in Buffy’s illness. Somewhere in his mind, he could see traces of Drusilla in the woman before him but it had to be similarities of the insanity. The memories were still there, mixing with the present creating this mess that existed only in Buffy’s slowly crumbling mind. Finally he stood, picking her up in his arms and carried her upstairs to the bathroom; he ignored their family that sat at the kitchen table. He couldn’t help them right now or reassure them because there was no one to do that for him.

Reaching the bathroom, he started the shower and undressed the momentarily docile Buffy. After undressing himself he led her under the warm spray and she shivered as the water flowed over her.

“Hold still, Luv, I’m going to wash your hair,” Spike said when she tried to move from under the water. He squirted shampoo onto her tresses and started to work it in as her hands flowed over his chest.

“Don’t get it in my eyes. It stings, please, no sting, like a bee.”

“Put your head back.” Buffy acquiesced and he rinsed the shampoo from her, his hand gently wiped all the suds from her face before pulling her out of the stream. “See, all done, now…”

“Want to take a bath.” She whined and opened the shower door. “Do you want to take a bath? Want to swim. Why don’t we have a pool? My Daddy had one in Los Angeles. He doesn’t love me anymore.”

Spike wrapped his arm around her to try to keep her in the shower but she struggled against him. In resignation he turned the water off and walked them over to the tub.

“Hold on, let me get the water right,” Spike said when she tried to climb into the tub. He adjusted the temperature and flipped the stopper while keeping an eye on his wife who was sniffing all the bath bubbles and oils.

“This one, please, can I have this one,” Buffy asked, thrusting a bottle of pear scented bubble bath at him. “First date, lick, slam, suck, rode Spike, no, they stopped us. Why did they stop us?”

“I don’t know, Love, just didn’t understand I guess.”

“Never understand.” Buffy pouted as she climbed into the bathtub. Her fingers chased the bubbles created as Spike poured the scented gel in. Spike put the bottle away and grabbed a hair clip and slid in behind her. She slid forward enough for him to fit behind her and put her head back when requested for him to put her hair up. With a sigh, he let his hands trace along her back when he was done. She seemed sad and lost and he regretted the slap from earlier.

It had been too much at the time and it had hurt. Buffy had never gone that deep before into a place that was so tender and once again he tried to justify it with the illness. In a way it made sense to him along with the familiar tones of Dru because she had all those memories locked away inside of her and it wouldn’t take much for them to blend together and with Buffy’s own interpretations come out tainted and twisted.

“Did Angel fuck his Mummy?”

“What?” Spike asked, shaken from his reverie.

Her hands feathered down his legs and her fingers twisted his toes.

“Did Darla and Angel have sex?” Buffy tilted her head. “Of course, they did. They made Connor from their incest. Does that make Darla both his mother and grandmother?” She giggled and looked back at him. “That makes Connor your uncle either way. Need to respect your elders, you do.”

“Is that what you’re trying to do? Figure out family lines?”

“Belong…” She pointed at the marks on her neck. “Angel and Dracula both bit me and you too. Who do I belong to?”

“You belong to me, Pet.”

“Are we mates?”

“Not in the vampire way, exactly, but in a way that counts for us.”

Buffy turned away, pulling her legs up and resting her face against them. She started to hum some tune that Spike didn’t know and he ran the sponge over her back, watching the water as it ran across her flesh. Except for her humming and the lull of the water it was quiet. An eerie, almost surreal, tone had taken over the day and he almost wished this part wouldn’t end for awhile.

“Child,” Buffy whispered, leaning back against him. She took his hands and laid them on her stomach. “Our child, not made from blood, who does she belong to?”

“He belongs to us.” Spike answered, placing a kiss on her temple. “You’re not a vampire, Buffy, you’re human, you know who you’re family is.”

“No, I don’t. My Daddy doesn’t want me. My Mommy is dead. My sister wants what is mine and the others,” Buffy growled. “The others don’t want me anymore. I wanted you to be my Daddy and protect me and love me but the baby was coming. You saw before I did and I couldn’t be your childe. The baby will fix everything and the family will fall into line again. Yes, such days to come.”

A chill ran through Spike and he wanted to question her some more but someone knocked on the door.

“Yes,” Spike called out.

“Max is here and dinner is going to be ready in ten,” Sean called.

“Max, I want to see Max,” Buffy said, scrambling up and hurrying toward the door and Spike just managed to stop her before she went tearing downstairs, wet and naked.

~~~~~~~~~~

Max leaned back in his chair and took a sip of his beer. His eyes flickered between the members of the family in front of him. Elijah had been dropped off about the time that he arrived and was the only one that seemed to be upbeat. Del had whispered that Buffy was having a bad afternoon and it was left at that.

”Raven, you still going to the dance on Saturday night?” Max asked, trying to ease the tension a little in the room.

The Slayer stopped in her tracks on her way to the table with a handful of plates. She turned deadly eyes to Sean before proceeding. “No, I’m not. Ask Sean why.”

“Sean?”

Max watched in amusement as Raven slammed the plates down as she set the table and Sean, ignored her as he piled biscuits onto a platter.

“SHE didn’t think about asking me and just assumed that I would escort her. I have a date, thank you.”

“With a girl and that doesn’t count.” Raven exclaimed.

“With a friend and that does count.” Sean said, bringing the platter over. “And besides it’s none of your business.”

“Shhh,” Buffy said as she walked into the room. “We have company.” She stopped in front of Max for a moment before reaching down to take his hands. “Are you company or family?”

“Hoping I’m family since it’s almost dinner time and I’m starving.” Max joked, his eyes growing big as his hands were shoved under Buffy’s blouse.

“The baby moved. I felt it. It’s life inside, growing in me. Spike says it belongs to us. What do you think?”

Max glanced around the room but the others continued their chores and Spike just looked sad at the exchange as he walked toward them. Max shook his head, Buffy wasn’t bothering him and he didn’t need her husband to take her away. Instead, he splayed his hands against her stomach and smiled up at her.

“Did it feel like a butterfly? I heard that said one time, that it felt like the fluttering of butterfly wings.”

“I like that. Butterfly, maybe that’s what we’ll call her.” Buffy giggled. “Rebirth, metamorphosis, renewal, new start, yes, my baby is a butterfly. She is going to change everything.”

“Is it time, Mummy?” Elijah asked.

“No, hush now, time for everything later,” Buffy answered, stepping away from Max. “It’s time for dinner. I’m hungry now. Everybody eat. Have to go potty. Be back.”

After Buffy moved into the hallway, Max finally turned to Spike, questions piled on the tip of his tongue but was silenced by the shaking of his friend’s head. The children were here and although they knew almost everything that happened, there were still things kept separate and the questions would wait.

“So, she’s still funny?” Raven asked, glancing up at her father as she took her place at the table.

“Yeah, she is,” Spike answered. “Elijah, what did you mean? When you asked about it being time?”

The boy looked up at his father and shook his head. “Mummy said we’d play later and I wanted to play now.”

Spike crouched down to talk to his son directly and Max smiled at the gesture. It was something he figured that he would never have and watching moments like this made him almost regret his decisions.

“I don’t think Mummy is going to be up playing with you tonight. Maybe Raven or Sean will play,” Spike said, glancing at his other two children who both nodded. “See, after dinner, they’ll take care of you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Elijah answered.

“Spike,” Buffy wailed from the back of the house and Spike and Max both took off to find her.

“Children, sit and eat.” Del said as they watched the two men disappear into the hallway.

~~~~~~~~~~

The crying was coming from the study and the two men rushed in. Buffy was rocking in the middle of the couch with her feet pressed together. In her hand was the phone which she held up to Spike.

“He doesn’t understand. Angel can’t explain.” Buffy said. “I told him you slapped me and now he’s angry.”

Dreading what was coming Spike took the phone from Buffy and sat on the couch next to her as Max sat on the other side. Giving the instrument one last glare, he reluctantly held it to his ear.

“Hello,” Spike said.

“Spike, what is going on?” Angel asked.

Angel was back to that tone of voice that let Spike know that he was never good enough and he didn’t have it in him to fight tonight so he just leaned back into the couch and told the truth.

“She’s having a bad day.”

“You slapped her?”

“Yeah, I did.” Spike said. “I know it was wrong, so you don’t need to tell me. She said something that really hurt and I reacted.”

Spike was drawn back to his wife as Buffy took his hand and then reached for Max’s, pressing them together as she inspected them. She held the two together with one hand while the fingers on the other, floated over them, moving them. Spike realized that Angel was speaking again and he tried to catch at least some of what he was saying.

“You need to watch yourself and not take it so personally, Spike. I know it can be hard.”

There was a multitude of things Spike could say in response but didn’t. One of which was ‘How would you know? You always sent Dru my way when things were bad’. But he didn’t, he just let it go.

“You’re bigger than Spike,” Buffy said as she let their hands go. Her gaze turned to Max, her hand cupping his cheek. “You’re strong, too but I’m stronger. I could kill you before you could move.”

“I’m sure you could.”

“But I won’t. You’re family. My family. I had sex with Angel. Spike had sex with Angel. Did you have sex with Angel?”

“Buffy, stop it,” Spike said, interrupting her.

“What the hell is she talking about?” Angel sputtered.

The indignation in his Sire’s tone did it and Spike couldn’t help laughing as he tried to answer Angel’s query.

“She’s asking Max if he had sex with you. Right after she told him she could kill him.”

But his laughter had his wife turning to him, guilt written on her face and he slipped his arm around her, pulling her against him, in an effort to reassure her that it wasn’t directed at her.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been bad today.” Buffy said, her eyes filling with tears again. “I can’t get it. It’s right there but it’s all mixed up.” She reached a hand out in front of her. “Why can’t I get it? Let me talk to Angel.” Her hand reached for the phone but Spike evaded her and stood as Max held her away.

“Buffy, let me finish talking to Angel then I’ll let you talk to him.” Spike said as sat on the corner of the desk, sighing as she clicked the speaker button on the phone base.

“Angel, Spike doesn’t want me to talk to you.”

“You can talk to me anytime you want.”

Frustration was evident on Spike’s face as he clicked the phone off and took a seat on the coffee table. There was nothing in his control at the moment and all he could do was try to keep up as more and more sinkholes were created.

“Will you come take care of me when Spike goes away?”

“Isn’t Delores going to be there?”

“They’re around. They are flying about my head and the noise is too much. Need an Angel to protect the butterfly.”

“Spike, pick up the phone.”

Spike did as he was told and returned to sit at the desk while Max kept Buffy occupied. His hand covered his face and for a moment wanted this whole day to start over.

“You there?” Angel asked.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Giles was right. You are too close to see.”

“Oh, that is just bloody great. Buffy is over here thinking you’re going to protect her when you’re in cahoots with the Watcher.”

“Spike, do you really think that I would let that happen to her?” Angel asked. “I wouldn’t. I don’t know something just isn’t right with this whole thing. Maybe I see it because I’m not in the middle of it everyday. When did this episode start?”

“This afternoon, she’d been taking a nap but woke up upset.”

“And what were you talking about before she lay down?”

“What are we going to do play twenty questions?” Spike asked. He wasn’t in the mood for games and although Max seemed to be comfortable with Buffy, Spike didn’t want to take any chances. Her moods had been erratic and at any moment she might be ready to take off again. “What’s your point?”

“Just trying to get you to realize that this was probably prompted by the fact that you are leaving tomorrow and she’s afraid of being without protection. Giles wants to put her in a hospital and Xander and Willow have power of attorney if you are unavailable.”

“Bollocks,” Spike exclaimed. His Sire was right. It had to be and he hadn’t figured it out. “I’m going to cancel the trip.”

“Don’t cancel. Cordy and I’ll be there by midnight. We’ll talk then.”

Before Spike could answer, Angel hung up. His gaze returned to Max and his wife who were in an earnest conversation.

“So, should the house be brown for the winter?” Max asked. “Since everything is darker.”

“No, Max, orange would be better,” Buffy answered. “The airplanes wouldn’t crash into it and neither would the angels.”

“Are you worried about someone crashing into the house?”

Buffy shook her head, “If it’s brown then it would look like dirt and they might think they are supposed to land here. No, it’s orange. We need to go buy paint.”

Shaking his head, Spike took her hand. “No painting tonight. Especially orange because the demons could find us easier too.”

“Is Angel coming?” Buffy asked, allowing Spike to pull her to her feet.

“Yep, he’ll be here in a few hours.” Spike answered, slipping his arms around her as they headed for the kitchen. “All you have to do is relax now. You’re all safe.”

Spike kissed the back of her head and hoped he was right.

~~~~~~~~~~

Elijah waited until his father had reached the bottom of the stairs before opening his door all the way. He did a quick sweep of the second floor and once he was assured that only Mummy and he were upstairs, he hurried across the hall. His Mummy had been calling for him for hours and no one would let them be alone. Why didn’t they understand that she wouldn’t hurt him? No matter what mood his mother was in, she loved and protected him.

“Mummy, you awake?” Elijah asked, approaching the bed cautiously. For a moment he hesitated and using the visual wall that Auntie Tara had told him about, he protected himself from the onslaught of his mother’s mind. With everyone else, it was still rare that he could pick up anything other than feelings and emotions but his mother was different and it was growing stronger every day. Since he had gotten home this afternoon, she had been calling to him, using him to hold onto while the world around her fragmented.

“Yes, I’m awake,” Mummy answered, holding her hand out to him and he scrambled onto the bed beside her.

His hands caressed her face, running from forehead to chin and then repeated the motion. She had once told him that it gave her a focal point that relaxed her and helped her deal with everything.

“Is Great-Grandfather coming?” Elijah asked. “Did you call him?”

“Yes, he is. So, we’ll be protected while Daddy is gone. Just remember if Mummy has to hide that you come with me.”

“Okay, why can’t we tell Daddy?”

“It’s not time yet because the baby is still too little.”

Mummy pulled him to her and he let himself cuddle into her. He liked to be held like this because it made him feel safe and the expectations not so big. It was his job to protect the baby because he was the only one who knew all the secrets and it frightened him to be so important.

to be continued…

Chapter 29 - Midnight Conspiracies

The night air carried frost with it and the five young people shivered every time the wind blew around them. Even the adrenaline rush of fighting couldn’t stave off the cold and after a few kills they were ready to head home. Of course as duty called they would take the indirect route and patrol two more cemeteries on the way. Raven watched Josh holding Dawn close and wished that Connor would hold her like that but as it was, things weren’t too bad because he was walking shoulder to shoulder with her. Probably just trying to keep his skinny ass warm, she thought but it still kept him close, so who was she to complain?

“Did Buffy calm down any before you left the house?” Dawn asked, glancing over her shoulder at Raven and Sean.

“Yeah, she was watching TV and holding Candy on her lap when we left.” Sean answered. “Angel and Cordelia should be there by the time we get home.”

“Great, just what I need; more Dad time,” Connor complained. “Why did Buffy call him to watch her? Why couldn’t we just do it?”

“Maybe because there is no way Spike would let you stay in the house overnight,” Josh said.

Everyone turned to look at Raven and she threw her hands up and kept walking as they laughed.

“Come on, Raven, everyone knows that you’d compromise poor Connor if he was there,” Sean joked, regretting it instantly as he was faced with a pissed off Slayer.

“Shut up, Sean, you are dancing on the very last nerve I have for you. If you want to maintain any bit of friendship with me, you’ll back off now.”

“Calm down, Rave,” Connor said, pulling her by the arm and away from Sean. “He’s just joking and he wouldn’t do it if you wouldn’t take it so hard.”

“Forget it…let’s go,” Raven said, turning and heading toward the cemetery entrance.

Raven led the way with everyone following her in silence as they moved along the empty streets of Sunnydale. They just didn’t understand anything and Sean had been really mean to her lately. She had always been his friend, his comfort and security in a world that he wasn’t accepted in and now he didn’t seem to need her anymore. It made her realize how much she actually needed him to be her anchor. Raven glanced back at him, talking to Connor about some new video game they had discovered and she felt alone. Burying her hands in her pockets, she turned into the next graveyard.

A scream sounded ahead and Raven took off running, knowing that the others would follow. A vampire had a girl pinned against a crypt and when he saw the young people coming toward him, he turned to run but didn’t make it as Raven and Connor circled him. With a sweep of his hand, Connor allowed Raven the kill as the others directed the young woman back to her car.

Raven watched the dust settle around her and wondered if given the chance and a soul, could the creature she had destroyed been like her father. The thought was too much and she burst into tears. Some nights it was just harder than others to be the Slayer. Arms encircled her and she leaned into Connor’s embrace and let him take care of her.

“Of the millions of the vampires that have roamed the earth only two have turned out like Spike and Angel, don’t let it do this to you,” Connor whispered to her.

Nodding, Raven pulled away and wiped her eyes. “It’s not just that. It’s Mum, they want to lock her up.”

“Who does?”

The other three had returned by this time and were standing in a semi-circle around the couple.

“Giles and Kate,” Dawn answered. “They think it would be best for her to be under constant care.”

“It wouldn’t be,” Connor said. “How do you feel about it? You and Josh?”

“What kind of question is that?” Josh asked, stepping slightly in front of Dawn.

“It’s a simple one. Kate and Giles are your parents. Do you side with them or with Buffy? I think we deserve to know.”

“Connor, don’t,” Raven said, putting her hand on his arm. “It’s not about sides.”

“Yes, it is,” Sean said, stepping closer to Connor leaving Raven between the two sides. “You heard it as well as I did. Giles wants to put Buffy away and take us away from Spike. I think I do need to know how Dawn and Josh feel. Is everything I say being reported back to their parents for later use against us?”

Raven stepped closer to Sean, turning to look at her Aunt and her husband. It had never occurred to her before that her relationship with Dawn and Josh would ever compromise her mother and their family. Her eyes narrowed as she remembered all the things that she had freely shared with them.

“Buffy is my sister,” Dawn declared, rolling her eyes. “And I’ve been in the system and I wouldn’t do that to anyone.”

“And Giles has always been considered a father to her but he seems ready to do it.” Raven said. “So, what do you think is best for Buffy? No sides, just what do you think is best?”

“To be with her family,” Dawn whispered. “She’s been through enough and I remember when she came home the first time. She seemed almost dead inside. I’ll do whatever I have to so she doesn’t go in again.”

“Josh?”

The reluctance to side against his mother shone in Josh’s eyes but in the end he nodded his head.

“I’m in with you guys.”

A collective sigh of relief ran through them as once again they were united. Raven smiled at them before starting to walk home again.

“Okay, we all agree that she shouldn’t be committed. But what can we do?” Raven said. “Even you three,” she gestured toward Connor, Dawn and Josh, “are still considered to be the kids in the family. No one is going to listen to us.”

“Isn’t that why Angel is coming? To protect Buffy while Spike is gone,” Dawn said.

“Yeah, he is. Mum insisted on calling him.”

“Is he though?” Connor asked. “My Dad has a tendency to do what he wants.”

“I’m going to have Elijah check him and Cordelia in the morning to see if he’s uncomfortable with them.”

Dawn laughed, “Check them?”

“Touch them,” Sean answered. “He’ll be able to tell if they are hiding something. Like a lie detector.”

“He can do that?” Josh said. “How cool.”

“Yeah, the little booger is definitely gaining more ground on the power department. Some of which I don’t think he’s sharing with us.” Raven said. “It’s like he can read my mind.”

“Remind me to watch what I’m thinking at your house. You’re Dad can smell us and your brother can read our thoughts.” Connor said, dodging playful blows from Raven. “Welcome to The House of Blood where there are no secrets.”

They all laughed as they turned the last corner and saw the house at the end of the lane. Even though it stood stark against the night and the cemetery behind it, there was a welcoming aura about it. The Christmas lights hung along the roof and the smoke curling from the chimney. It was home and Raven felt its pull. She was surprised when she felt Connor’s hand curled into hers and she turned to smile at him. It had become a home to him also and she squeezed his fingers in understanding.

Parked in the driveway was Angel’s Pontiac and they stopped again.

“So, what do we do?” Raven asked. “I think Elijah knows more than he is letting on but he won’t talk to me and I know he’s scared about something. Maybe it’s just everything that’s going on but…”

“I know,” Sean interrupted. “He’s seems to be the closest one to her right now. The games they play and they are always whispering about something.”

“I can feel the energy between them,” Raven said. “I’ve tried to touch him when he’s touching her to see if I can pick up on something but I think he’s got a wall up because I can’t get anything.”

“Maybe we just tell them that we don’t want her institutionalized,” Josh said. “And we’ll do what we have to do to help. Dawn and I are going to dinner with our parents tomorrow and we’ll see what we can find out.”

“And I’ll remind them of when I was in the system and of Buffy being hospitalized before,” Dawn said. “Maybe it will make them think a little more.”

“Thanks, I’m glad that you’re on our side,” Raven said.

It wasn’t a lot but it was a start. If they said they’d help then Raven was confidant they would. It was time to start making plans again and ideas started to flow through her mind as the group headed for the house, intent on joining the meeting already taking place inside.

~~~~~~~~~~

The fire leapt as Spike threw another log on and poked at them. It didn’t need to be done. It was just something to do while he waited for Angel and Cordelia to get settled in the study. Spike glanced over at Max sitting in the side chair. His friend was staring intently into the flames. The evening had been hard on everyone as Buffy had continued her pleas to know that she was surrounded by family. Finally a couple of hours ago she had fallen asleep on the couch and thankfully hadn’t woken when Spike carried her upstairs and put her to bed.

“You want another drink?” Spike asked.

“Nah, I’m fine.” Max answered. “So, do you want me to stay for this or if you want I can take off and find a hotel or something?”

“Stay,” Spike answered. By this time Max was a part of the family and after today there wasn’t a whole lot that he didn’t know about them, thanks to Buffy’s unusual bluntness at the oddest times.

“Why is he here?” Angel asked, striding into the room.

“Because he’s going on the trip with me,” Spike answered. He stood and faced his Sire who was settling on the couch and turning a disdainful eye toward Max. “One of the stops is Atlanta. I thought we covered this.”

“Just seems funny that Buffy always has these bad episodes whenever he’s around.” Angel pronounced. “Thanksgiving and then today.”

The tension bristled between the older vampire and the human as they stared at each other. Spike sighed, “Stop it. Max isn’t responsible. Buffy started today before he arrived. Okay?”

Angel shrugged, “If you say so.”

The men turned as Cordelia entered the room and walked toward her husband.

“I thought the bull between the three of you was over,” she said, situating herself against Angel’s side. “It’s not going to help anything. If stress makes Buffy worse then I’m glad she’s asleep because this would send her off the wall.”

“Your husband resents my being here,” Max said.

“Maybe if you’d apologize for trying to have sex with one of his employees on his desk, it might help,” Cordelia said, smiling while her fingers curled over Angel’s arm. “And not to cause more trouble but a lot of Buffy’s and Spike’s trouble started with the arrival of Donna and you. She’s gone but you’re still here.”

”And aren’t you the one who just said this tension wasn’t good,” Spike reminded her. His eyes flickered over his friend before turning back to his Sire. “And didn’t you have him checked out before you let him anywhere near your operation?”

“Touché,” Angel said. “Still don’t like him.”

“You don’t like anyone,” Spike responded. A small smile touched his lips at his Sire who still needed to feel like he was the alpha male. No matter how human Angel wanted to be, when it came to basic things like dominance he still reverted to his demon roots.

“How bad was Buffy today?” Cordelia said, successfully changing the subject. “Angel filled me in on what happened up to and during the phone call but what’s happened since then.”

“The same,” Spike said. “She kept needing reassurance that she belonged and kept telling us that she couldn’t find it or couldn’t reach it. Whatever it was.” Laughing, he shook his head. “Then there was the sex stuff. It was just more along the lines of who had sex with whom.”

Cordelia leaned forward on her forearms. “Spike, think about it. Sex is one of the ways that people bond. We do it to so we don’t feel alone, for comfort and for love. It just goes along with the family talk. She’s all mixed up and is just making sure that she isn’t alone.”

It was so simple and Spike hadn’t seen it at all. All he had been concerned about was being embarrassed and that she was being cruel to him. Everything seemed to hit him at one time and he took a seat and buried his face in his hands. He had failed his wife by not trying to understand what she was telling him, it had taken the poof and Cordelia to explain it to him. Something so basic should have been figured out by him.

“Don’t do that, Childe,” Angel said. “You’re here with her all the time and its emotionally draining for you.

“When did you get to be so bloody perceptive?”

“Living with Cordelia,” Angel replied. “It was the only way to survive.”

The room grew quiet as Spike continued to berate himself for his treatment of Buffy. With an anguished sigh, Spike looked up at the others, “If she is that upset about me leaving then I should stay here.”

“And what are you going to do?” Cordelia asked. “Sacrifice the rest of your life? Never go anyone or do anything just to be with her?”

“Does that mean you’re on the side that wants to lock her away?” Connor said from the doorway.

Those gathered in the living room turned to look at the young people at the entranceway. Angel stood to face his son and Spike hoped this wasn’t going to turn into a battle between the two.

“Don’t speak to Cordelia like that,” Angel said.

“It wasn’t meant to insult her,” Connor replied, walking further into the room. “It was a simple question. Do you want to put Buffy into a hospital or do you think she should be at home?”

“If I could finish what I started,” Cordelia interrupted. “Why don’t you all come in and take a seat?” She waited until the Slayer and the Scoobettes had taken seats on the floor in front of the fireplace before continuing. “I was trying to tell Spike that he is only going away for a few days. It’s not like he is abandoning Buffy or leaving her in danger. He needs to get out of here and breathe every once in awhile in order to be able to continue to cope.”

“She needs me.”

“Yeah, she does but you can’t help her if you’re burned out.” Cordelia said, laying a hand on his arm before her gaze settled on her step-son. “And to answer your question, no, I don’t think she needs to be in a hospital. They wouldn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. No matter how familiar they were with the demon world.”

“I’d like to say something,” Josh said. “I know this has turned into a sides thing but I don’t think it really is. I know my Mom loves Buffy and wants what is best for her but she doesn’t understand. She’s a doctor and thinks that the scientific way is the best way. And Giles is hearing all that so is kind of going along with it.” He threw his hands up. “But like I said I don’t agree with them and am willing to fight to keep Buffy at home.”

“So, everyone here is in agreement that Buffy stays with us, right?” Spike asked. His gaze slid from one face to the next, taking in their nods of assents or murmured yeses. Something in him relaxed as he realized that he wasn’t alone in his fight for his wife. “I talked to Xander the other day and I don’t think he’d help them out but I don’t know. He’s confused.”

“We’ll keep her safe,” Angel said. “You’re leaving her and your children in capable hands. No one should have a problem with anything. If someone does then we remove Buffy from the house and keep her safe until you can get back here.”

“Hopefully, this won’t turn out to be an issue,” Dawn said. “We’re going to talk to Kate and Giles tomorrow.”

Spike listened to the ebb and flow of the conversation around him as he slumped back into his chair. It was with relief that he realized that Buffy would be kept safe while he was gone. No one in this room would let anything happen to his wife and family if they could help it. Guilt gnawed at him because as much he hated to admit it, the thought of not dealing with Buffy for a few days was a welcome reprieve.

~~~~~~~~~

Panic flooded Buffy as surely as the darkness around her and she shook her head in an attempt to clear it. It stayed and brought the knowledge that she was awake and it was night time. She searched her mind and was relieved to find that she was able to think again. Quickly she traced the day and the last full thought was when she had been lying down that afternoon for a short nap. After that there were only images and quick glimpses of what the rest of the day had been for her.

A glance at the clock told Buffy that it was the middle of the night and that she had lost most of the day and night. Her body was demanding release and she sat up only to find that she was wearing a wrist restraint with a lock. Finding the lead that was attached to it, she gave it a gentle tug to find that it was fastened to the headboard. Her first thought was just to break it but realized that was the idea. Spike knew it wouldn’t hold her but the commotion made by her breaking it would awaken him. Frustrated at being tied, she turned to snap at her husband, when the moonlight showed the scratches on his arm. A memory jogged her and she looked down at her hands. Raven had cut her nails off to just below the fingertip.

Well, great, I’m tied up like a dog, groomed like a dog, she thought before with horror remembering Spike feeding her bites of dinner since she was too distracted talking to Max about something to try and feed herself. Humiliation flooded her at how far she had descended and made Buffy want to hide somewhere and cry. But her body’s demand was greater than her need for self-pity and she leaned over to kiss Spike on the corner of his mouth.

“Spike, wake up.”

Her hand ran under the covers to see if he was wearing pants that the key might be in but he was nude. Sighing, she shook him by the shoulder and when he still didn’t awaken she pushed at him.

“Spike, damn it, wake up.”

The anger and frustration was taking control by the time he turned sleepy eyes to her.

“What’s up, Pet?”

“I have to pee and it seems that I am tied up.” She said, watching him as walked to the dresser. “You shouldn’t do it unless you want to get woken up.”

“It was a long night. Wasn’t trying to ignore you,” Spike said, squatting as he unlocked her restraint.

“And I suppose that’s all my fault,” Buffy snapped, striding from the room and trying to ignore the sigh from Spike. She knew it wasn’t his fault and that he was only trying to protect her but to have to ask to be unlocked so she could go to the bathroom was demeaning. Sitting on the toilet she tried to bring her emotions under control by breathing deep and telling herself that no one could be blamed for what was happening to her. But that was too rational for her overloaded system.

When she came out of the bathroom she found Spike sitting on the floor with his head against the wall and her heart hurt for what she was doing to him. Crouching down next to him, she ran her fingers down his face.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered, as he took her hand and kissed the palm. “I’m going to go downstairs and get something to drink. Go back to bed.”

“It’s okay. I’ll come with you,” Spike said, standing while her hand was still held by his. He frowned when she pulled it away.

“Suit yourself,” Buffy said, heading down the stairs and tried to ignore Spike dogging her every step. She could understand the protectiveness when she was out of it but she wasn’t now. All she wanted was to walk downstairs, independently, and pour a glass of juice without feeling like she was incompetent.

Buffy busied herself fixing a drink while Spike sat at the table, his head held up by his hand and she refused to feel guilty. She had told him to go back to bed and he insisted on tagging along. Her stomach growled when she opened the refrigerator and with a glance back at Spike, she shrugged and pulled out fixings for a sandwich. After putting the food on the table, she returned for a knife, pulling the drawer out and ran her fingers along the utensils. After reassuring herself that Spike couldn’t see, slipped a paring knife in her pocket. With a quick pat, she grabbed a butter knife and returned to the table.

“You hungry?” Spike asked, eyeing the large sandwich she was assembling.

“Yeah, I guess my keeper didn’t feed me…” Buffy said, breaking off after seeing the hurt on her husband’s face. “Guess you think I’m an ungrateful bitch?”

“No, but I don’t like being attacked like this. It’s not my fault and I’m just trying to take care of you,” Spike said.

“I guess you blame me then.”

“No, I don’t blame you,” Spike responded, exasperation clearly showing on his face. He wiped a hand over his face and rubbed at his eyes. “I’m just tired, Buffy.”

Buffy wanted to scream at him that she had told him to go to bed. She wanted to turn the table over just to break something. She wanted to stand in the middle of the kitchen and scream until her voice was gone. She wanted to run until she was safe again. She wanted to be able to decide when to eat and go to the bathroom. She wanted the short span of happiness that had been theirs when Spike had become a hybrid and they had found out about the baby. She wanted control of her emotions and mind again.

In the end she stood and put the sandwich things away and threw half of the one she had made away.

“Maybe you don’t blame me but I do,” Buffy said, tugging on Spike’s hand. “Let’s go back to bed.” At the top of the stairs she turned toward the bathroom again. “Please, I just need to go again and I’ll be right in. The house is all locked up and the alarm is on. I wouldn’t get far.”

Spike’s tiredness won out and he kissed her forehead and walked to the bedroom. Buffy breathed in the brief freedom and slipped into the bathroom. It had been a long time but the ritual was imbedded in her memory like an old friend she was welcoming home. The door was locked, a candle was lit to mask the scent of blood, a washcloth was put on the sink to wipe up the blood, the paring knife was laid on the back of the sink and her clothes were removed and folded carefully on the back of the toilet.

Buffy preened in the mirror, her hands running over her flesh, deciding which part of her body would be the recipient of her rage. Her breasts, inner thighs, and buttocks were rejected in case Spike wanted to have sex before he left. Her stomach was discarded to protect her baby.

Slowly Buffy picked the knife up and ran her finger along the sharpened edge, letting her inner turmoil rejoice at having an outlet. Raising her arm she pressed the blade to her inner arm right above her armpit. This was hers. Her pain. Her choice. She pulled it along her flesh, wincing at the sting but the blood flowed releasing the frustration held inside of her. Everything else disappeared as she watched the sticky red substance run down her side. Her breathing picked up and she grabbed the cloth to wipe away the evidence. It wasn’t enough and she put her foot on the toilet.

Buffy reasoned that she could explain it away by saying that she had scratched it in the yard somehow. A cut was placed above her ankle about three inches long. She smiled this time. They never had to know. They could do whatever they wanted in the name of protecting her but this was hers to control. No one-- well meaning intentions or not --could take this away from her.

After cleaning up and dressing again, she pulled bandage tape out of the first aid kit and secured the knife under the sink. With a quick glance around to make sure everything was back in order, she returned to the bedroom. Spike had fallen asleep while she was gone, sprawled out on his stomach and Buffy crawled in, burrowing into his side and laying her head on his back. For the first time that day she felt almost contented as she fell asleep with her husband in her arms.

to be continued…

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