The Wacky Adventures of Spike and Buffybot

Chapter one

DISCLAIMERS: So, I’m spying on Joss, you know, just kinda peering into his windows and stuff, when the next thing I know this cop is tapping me on my shoulder. He’s all, ‘Please come with me, Miss.’ I tried to explain to him that Joss and I had a love that couldn’t be denied, a love that spanned the ages, but he cuffed me and off I went to the big house for the night. I met up with Faith inside, and tried to talk her into springing me free by using her slayer strength to bend the bars at the window, but she was playing it cool, all pretending like she didn’t know what I was talking about. She was really good at it too, screaming, ‘My name is Gen you freak! Get away from me!!’ Wow, those slayers sure are crafty! Joss didn’t come bail me out, I guess he was busy planning that weekend away together at the bed and breakfast. I’m still waiting for my royalty checks from the last fic I wrote...sigh, we are so much in love!

THANK YOUS: To everyone who read and reviewed ‘Spike Lips! Lips of Spike!’, I say a massive thanks. And now, thanks for reading this one. I really really hope you enjoy it. I have to give mega thanks to Bub, she helped me with starting this fic. I had a different story at first, but as I wrote it, all the Spike and Buffybot scenes weren’t so much sexy as they were disturbing and creepy. I was about to throw it in the trash when she gave me some great ideas, and of course, much encouragement. Thank you Bub!

SO...WHAT’S THIS ABOUT AGAIN??: Remember that episode in season 4, with the frat house and the crazy sex and stuff? ‘Where the Wild Things Are.‘ Well, things are a little different, seeing as how I am throwing the Buffybot into the mix. And no, she is NOT wearing that horrid outfit they had the Buffybot in. My god, what were they thinking on that move? Wardrobe was hammered that day, obviously.

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“You are gonna be perfect.” Warren picked up the screwdriver and tightened a wire, frowning. “This may be my best work to date. All that spying on the Slayer was worth it to create you.” He closed the lid and pulled the shirt back down, coming around to look at his robot. He peered closely at her. “Does that feel better now?”

Eyes opened and focused. “Yes. I can see clearly now.”

“Perfect.” Warren grinned, pleased. “Absolutely perfect. If I didn’t know better I’d say I was looking at Buffy Summers.”

The Buffybot smiled, “But I am Buffy Summers, silly.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m the Slayer!”

“Yes you are.” Warren leaned closer, about to kiss her, but stopped when she didn’t respond. “I haven’t started you imprint program. Huh, musta slipped my mind.” He laughed a little to himself, shaking his head. “It’s why I built you for, after all.”

“I’m the Slayer,” Buffybot repeated. “It’s dark. I have to slay.” Warren nodded his head.

“Yeah, I know. You’re the Slayer, but you’re my toy.” His eyes traveled up the Bot’s body, lingering appreciatively on her breasts before finally coming to rest on her face. The bot smiled at him. “Slaying will happen, later. Time to imprint, don’t you think? I could use some, uh..” He giggled a bit. “Sex.”

“That’s not in my programming,” Buffybot informed him.

“No, it’s not in your programming now. But it will be, just as soon as I give you the start-up code.” Warren rummaged through the mass of papers on his desk. Not finding what he was looking for, he grew increasingly annoyed. “Oh...where is that book?” He looked up at the basement stairs. “MOM!”

“What?” A voice called down.

“Did you touch the stuff on my desk?”

“I moved some stuff when I was dusting....”

Warren huffed, stomping up the steps. “Mom! How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t touch my stuff! Last time you moved my limited edition Spiderman issue number two and I couldn’t find it for a whole week! Do you know what kind of hell that was for me...?” His voice grew faint as he climbed the stairs.

Buffybot blinked. “I have to slay,” she said, looking at the growing darkness out the tiny basement window. “It’s getting dark. Vampires come out when it’s dark.” She looked at the leather jacket draped over a chair and picked it up. “Ooh! Pretty,” she said, slipping it over her shoulders. “I have to stop evil!” She marched up the stairs and into the night.

Buffybot walked briskly, making her way to the closest cemetery. Sure enough, she found trouble as soon as she got there.

“Look! Evil bloodsuckers!” she cried to no one in particular, pointing to the newly risen vamp still climbing out of it’s grave. “You’re dust, buddy!”

She ran towards it, stake in hand. The vamp turned at the sound of her voice and ducked, getting a stake in the shoulder instead of the chest. It snarled as Buffybot yanked it out and swung again, this time hitting her mark. The vamp was dusted before it could even get all the way out of the earth.

“Ha! Take that, nasty bloodsucker. Don’t mess with Buffy Summers!” Buffybot chirped, brushing vamp dust off her arms. She looked around, but the place was quiet. Not a vamp in sight. Buffybot paused and read her programming quickly.

Program1: Slaying

-stake vampires

-kill demons

-protect the innocent

-look hot while fighting

“I need to find more evil. And look hot while fighting this evil.” Buffybot sighed and continued on her way, flipping her hair in a way that looked damn sexy, as informed by her programming. She did a sweep of the graveyard, dusting three more vamps and cracking the neck of a rather nasty Kiranch demon. It’s mate, however, took one look at the scene and abandoned the sobbing young woman it was about to eat, taking off through the headstones without a backwards glance.

“Sorry I have to leave. I hope you feel better tomorrow.” Buffybot said to the girl and gave chase. “I have an nasty demon to kill.”

The Kiranch was terribly fast but Buffybot was just as fast. Faster even. She ran hard, catching up with it just as it reached the Sunnydale campus, jumping on it’s back and sending the two of them to the ground. It rolled, pinning her under it’s scaly body.

“Ooof.” Buffybot panted. ”How am I going to look attractive if I’m all squished and broken?” She shoved hard, sending it flying into a nearby bush and jumped up, checking her outfit. Pointing to a large grass stain she frowned. “This is NOT hot!”

The Kiranch lumbered up slowly, blinking grass and leaves out of it’s large eyes. Buffybot kicked it hard and it went down again. Picking up a huge branch she brought it down on it’s head with a satisfying ‘crunch’. “Take that! Horrid stinky monster-type thing!” She beat it over the head until it fell to the ground, twitching. “Eeew.” She mashed it one more time and it stilled. Remembering that she was supposed to look attractive while killing she pressed the branch between her breasts and panted heavily, striking a pose.

Laughter from the distance made her look up. People were milling about a frat house, shouting and drinking and generally having a great time. Buffybot smiled at the sight and dropped the branch to the ground.

“Ooh! People.” Her programming kicked in again.

Program 6: Partying

-drink beer

-dance slutty

“I need to dance!” Buffybot trotted off to the frat house.

Xander wandered around the party, still feeling the sting from his earlier fight with Anya. He liked sex as much as the next guy. More! He liked sex more than the next guy. Sex with Anya was always amazing, and now she was freaking out over one night of non-sexual activity. He sighed. Anya was a difficult girlfriend.

A redhead was standing near the trophy case, looking over the various awards. Xander smiled at her, feeling the need to flirt and reassure himself of his manliness. Well, kinda manliness anyways. Leaning in, he read the inscription on one of the trophies. “’Lowell house. 1962‘."

“Yes.” The girl smiled at him and he continued, encouraged by her not screaming and running away.

“Um, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local history. Or my knowledge of reading.” He was on a roll now, she was smiling more and turning towards him.

“You didn't even have to sound anything out.” she teased.

Xander shrugged. “You should see me add short columns of small numbers.”

“Hello Xander!”

He turned to see Buffy standing there, a bottle of beer in her hand. “Oh! Hey Buff.” He eyed the beer. “You, uh...drinking? You’re drinking of the beer category? What about ‘beer, bad’?”

Buffybot smiled widely. “Beer isn’t bad. Beer is what you do at a party.” She bent the bottle to her lips and drank deeply, chugging the last half easily. Xander’s eyes bugged, the redhead forgotten.

Buffybot lowered the bottle and scanned the girl beside Xander. “You’re not Anya,” she said, turning to Xander. “Anya is your girlfriend. You have sex. All the time! Where is Anya?”

“Uh, Buffy...” he looked around to see his prospect for new romance leaving and sighed. “The last time you drank...” he trailed off, remembering how Buffy had sniffed at him. “Uh...”

“I need to dance.” Buffybot looked around. “Where is the dance floor?”

“Dance floor?” Xander gave Buffy a look. “Where’s Riley?”

Buffybot paused, going through her files.

Name search: Riley

Riley Finn

-teacher’s assistant

-member of the Initiative

-dating

-big loser

-giant lummox

-insult and break up with him

“Riley’s head is too big, and he grins like an idiot,” Buffybot said, making Xander choke.

“What?” he took the bottle away from Buffy and sniffed it suspiciously. “Are you sure this beer isn’t enchanted?”

“The beer is not enchanted,” Buffybot said. “It’s Coor’s Lite!”

“Mmmm. Well, it is less filling,” Xander said. “I don’t know about the ‘tastes great’ part though...” he trailed off again as Buffy turned and walked down the hall. “Buff, wait up!”

“I have to dance,” Buffybot repeated, and gave Xander a large smile. “At a party you dance and drink beer.”

Buffy watched Riley from across the room, feeling restless. In the last few days her appetite for him had increased tenfold, and tonight it seemed even stronger than before. The need for him was growing every minute he was away from her. Riley looked up from his friends and over at her. She immediately made her way to him, smiling.

“Hey, uh, can we-” she pointed upstairs vaguely. “I, um, need you to take a look at an ... essay, for ... class.” She gave him a look and his eyes widened.

“That ... essay, right. Here,” he shoved his glass blindly in the direction of one of his friends. “ I'll catch you guys in a minute, uh, essay ... gotta look at...” Buffy was pulling him away and he abandoned trying to make a complete sentence, the two disappearing up the stairs, much to the amusement of Riley’s friends.

Five minutes later, Buffy re-appeared from the steps, Xander in tow. Riley’s friends raised their eyebrows at each other.

“Riley’s a bit of a minute-man, hey?” One said and grinned widely, nudging the other in the ribs.

“Makes you wonder why she was so eager to get him upstairs...” Two answered, laughing. He took a swing of his beer and frowned. “Hey, my drink’s low, let’s go find some more.” They took off to the nearest keg, passing by Xander and Buffybot with a wink.

“That man had a twitch,” Buffybot said, looking after him in concern. “He may be a demon. I should check it out.”

Xander grabbed her shoulder. “It’s called ‘winking’ Buffy. Geeze, don’t tell me it’s been that long since a guy’s flirted with you. Cause, very flirtable!” Xander smiled at her, trying to make her feel better.

“I know about flirting. It’s in my programming.” Buffybot smiled coyly and fluttered her eyes, making Xander back up a bit.

“Uh, yeah, flirting....in the Days of Yore maybe. Or the wild wild west.”

“Anya’s here,” Buffybot said suddenly, pointing over his shoulder. “Are you going to go have sex now? She’s an ex-vengeance demon.”

Xander grimaced. “You’re right, maybe not having sex with her was a bad idea. I was just kinda tired that night after all the shoveling cement that day and....wait, how did you know about-” He broke off, seeing who Anya was with. “She brought Spike! Spike! She brought the bleached undead here!” He marched over the them, Buffybot trailing behind. Anya saw them coming and stood up straighter.

“Hello Xander,” she said coolly, staring him straight in the eye. “How is the not-having-sex lifestyle treating you?” She tilted her head at bit, watching him flush.

“What are you doing?” Xander pointed at Spike beside her. “Spike? You come to the party you know I’ll be at with this?”

“Hey.” Spike said, semi-offended. He noticed Buffy standing beside Xander and gave her a nod. “Looks like you’re all tied up with the Slayer here to even notice what the little ex-girlfriend is up to.” He waited for Buffy to get angry. Maybe insult him like she always did, but instead she smiled.

“Oh, I’m not tying him up. I’m drinking beer,” Buffybot said, producing another beer and taking a large sip. “We’re at a party.”

“What?” Spike looked at her, completely thrown off his game. The Slayer was here, and actually having fun? No ‘holier than thou’ attitude tonight? Maybe she’s had one too many. He smiled nastily at the thought, picturing her too drunk to resist...anything. Maybe then he could bite her without that sodding chip going off...

“Anya, what're you doing hanging around with Spike?” Xander asked, annoyed. Buffybot heard and looked at Spike, scanning for his name.

Name search: Spike

Spike (William the Bloody, Scourge of Europe)

-vampire

-ex-nemesis

-neutered

-has government chip in cerebral cortex

-completely harmless

“Well, she’s an ex-demon and he’s my ex-nemesis. Maybe they’re discussing old times. Don’t worry about him, he’s completely harmless,” she said, touching Xander’s elbow soothingly. “I’d stake him if it wasn’t for the chip in his brain.”

Spike swelled up. “Bloody bitch! Throw it in my face will you?” He turned and stormed off through the crowd, wincing slightly as he pushed a drunken frat boy into a table.

“Maybe you should go after him,” Xander said. “He’s harmless, but he may start trouble with that mouth of his.” Buffybot shrugged.

“Sure!” She gave him another one of her massive smiles and followed Spike through the crowd.

She found him slouched in a chair, nursing a drink and looking sulky. He saw her coming over and groaned loudly, resting his head on the back of the Lay-z-boy in defeat. Raising his hands he sighed.

“Look Slayer, why don’t you do us both a favor and get lost? I don’t need you busting my chops over a little college drinking. As you have so frequently pointed out, I’m harmless. So go away.” He grabbed a nearby beer and drank, trying to ignore her. Instead of leaving, however, she sat down in the chair next to him and grinned.

“I’m the Slayer,” she said brightly. Spike gave her a look.

“Uh huh,” he said, suspicious.

“You’re Spike,” she continued. He raised his eyebrows at her.

“Right again.”

“We’re at a party. I need to dance. Do you want to dance?” Buffybot asked, hearing that someone had finally started up a techno-type dance song. She hopped up and held her hand out to Spike, who stared at it like it was something deadly.

“You don’t want to dance?” Buffybot asked, gyrating slowly in front of him, hips swaying. Spike’s mouth tightened.

“What are you playing at here Slayer?” he ground out, watching her run her hands up and down the sides of her breasts and then up above her head. She gave him a sultry look.

“I’m dancing,” she answered simply and turned around, placing her bottom rather near his face and shaking it. Turning back, she placed one leg on either side of his lap and threw her head around, hair flung out wildly, breasts bouncing. Spike swallowed.

“Uh...” His hands twitched.

Buffybot licked her lips and beamed at Spike, who watched her, speechless. “I need a beer.” Silently he handed her his and she took it from him, much to his surprise. “Thanks.” She tilted it back, sipping. A drop escaped, rolling down her neck. Spike’s eyes followed it as it stroked her jugular, down past her collarbone and finally disappeared into the valley between her breasts. She passed the bottle back to Spike, who absentmindedly placed it on the table next to him. His hand knocked against something and he looked over at it.

“What the-?” He picked up the model, turning it over in his hands, frowning. There was a label on the bottom and he squinted, reading. “'Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley Spaceport, Docking Bay 94.’ Huh, obviously a bunch of dweebs live here.” He tossed the model carelessly over his shoulder and turned back to Buffy. “Now, where were we?”

Buffybot stared at him, her new program activated.

Program 40: Imprinting

Chapter two

DISCLAIMERS: So, I’m walking down the street, on my way to buy myself an ice cream cone, when I see Joss standing at the corner, waiting to cross the street. “Hey, Joss!” I call, jogging over to chat with him. He turns, sees me coming, and panics, jumping into traffic, narrowly missing getting hit by a large bus, a truck, and a mini-van. Luckily, he makes it across the street in one piece. I stand at the crosswalk in shock at his daring maneuvers, and he turns and grins at me. I grin back, until I see him whip out his hand and flip me the bird. The guy gave me the finger! I mean, what’s HIS problem anyways? “Screw YOU Monkeybottoms!” He screams at me, “No profits for you, stealing my characters! BTVS is all mine!!!! MIIIIIIIINE!” Man, what a freak.

THANKS, Y’ALL: Wow, I was really touched by all your support on the first chapter. And it was sweet to see the comments on my other fic. One person asked me what ‘froggie style’ was...heh heh. Ok Angela, this is for you: Well, it’s when you have your guy on the bottom, (a hard surface like a floor works best) and you are on top. You have your feet on the ground, and your hands beside your feet...kinda like a frog jumping......yes, it’s rather crude, but hey, so is Warren. Now, don’t go telling your mom where you heard this filth!

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STORY SUPPOSED TO BE?: So, Warren the perv built a Buffybot. She took off to slay. Found a party and Xander. Confused the crap out of Xander. Missed the real Buffy by a few minutes. The real Buffy was under the house spell and took off to sex it up with Riley. That’s the REAL horror! Buffybot found Spike. Danced slutty. Smiled big. Teased Spike. Mmmmm Spike...Spike set off her sexual imprinting code by accident...and so, we continue.

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“Imprint complete.” Buffybot’s lashes fluttered as the last of her programming loaded. Spike sat there, frowning at her.

“Hey, Slayer,” he sprawled out on the chair some more, giving her a leer. “Going to continue with the dancing or not?” He held out his half-empty beer invitingly. “Mr. Budweiser wants to see some booty. And ole Spike here wants to see some more drinking.”

Buffybot looked at him, scanning her new program.

Priorities

-listen to Spike

-obey Spike

-please Spike

-love Spike

-protect Spike

-quote ‘Monty Python’

Buffybot took the beer that Spike once again held out to her. Spike wanted her to drink it, so she would. Lifting it to her glossy lips, she drank. And drank. Swallowing the last drop she handed it back to him, pleased.

“How was that, Spike?” she asked sweetly. He looked at her in amazement.

“Er, fine,” he said. The empty was tossed over his shoulder as well, crushing the remains of the Millennium Falcon. “Do you want another? I’m sure we could find some more.” He looked around, hoping to get the Slayer really liquored up.

“Do you want me to drink more?” she asked him.

Spike paused at the question. “Sure,” he answered carefully.

Buffybot took his hand and he flinched away, expecting her to belt him in the nose as usual, but instead she just pulled him to his feet and towards the kitchen. “I saw more beer in here,” she informed him, and sure enough there was a large barrel full of ice filled with all sorts of alcohol.

“And now for something completely different!” she cried, pulling out a cooler. Spike looked at her blankly. “You see? Different cause I’m drinking a Wildberry cooler instead of a Coor’s Lite.” She held out the bottle for his approval. He blinked.

“Right then.” He briskly popped the cap off of her drink and nodded. “Go on then, drink up.”

Buffybot gave him a glowing look and promptly downed the entire bottle. “Is that enough?”

Spike stared at her intently. She didn’t look one bit drunk. Maybe her Slayer powers kept her from becoming intoxicated. He watched her sway slowly to the music that had started back up again and shrugged. Obviously the Slayer’s powers didn’t stop her from acting like a total nutball. Buffybot came close and he backed up. She followed, pushing him into the wall firmly. Now there was the Slayer he knew and hated.

“Spike?” she asked sweetly. He remained silent, just looking at her. “What would please you the most?”

Spike’s eyes widened. “That’s easy. To see you die. Preferably slowly and with large amounts of pain and misery.”

Buffybot paused for a moment and then shook her head. “Sorry, that’s not in my programming.”

“Yeah right,” Spike scoffed, not bothering to bring up her numerous self-destructive moments to date. He saw a group of college losers sitting at the kitchen table in various states of undress, cards in hand. “Fine, if you won’t take a long walk off a short pier than how about you go play some strip poker,” he said sarcastically, waving his hand in their direction. Buffybot immediately turned and walked over, sitting down beside a girl in a white lacy bra and jeans. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“Playing poker,’ Buffybot said.

“Oh, I see,” Spike said, smirking. “You, Little Miss Prude, are going to play this strip poker game. I suppose you’re going to lose and show your yummies to all the frat boys too.”

Buffybot nodded seriously, taking in his unknown order and picked up the cards she was dealt. Four kings and a three. She discarded her kings and was promptly dealt four of a kind. “Damn!” Everyone else removed an article of clothing.

“Nice work Slayer.” Spike sat down. “Mind if I join you?”

“I’ll do my best to lose,” she promised. Spike snorted, taking her words as more Buffy sarcasm.

“Knock yourself out.”

Buffybot put her cards down, about to punch herself in the head when she was interrupted by another order. “Go on, deal,” Spike said, pushing the cards to her.

Four rounds later Buffybot was down a shoe and Spike was down a duster. The other players had lost most of their clothing long ago, but neither Buffybot nor Spike cared, not looking anywhere but at their cards or at each other.

Spike glared at the Slayer, holding his cards up to his nose. “Show your cards,”he ordered and Buffybot complied, making him curse loudly. A full house! How did she keep beating him? The cards tucked in his pants weren’t doing him any good at all. He angrily moved his hands to his shirt, ready to rip it open in frustration, but stopped at the look of pure excitement on Buffy’s face.

Buffybot watched Spike as he slowly undid the first few buttons and gasped a little when the first glimpse of his chest appeared. Their eyes locked as he paused. Giving her a tiny grin he ripped the shirt open and off his shoulders, baring the rest of his chest for her. She sat there, stunned, not even noticing that the next hand was dealt until he picked up his cards and peeked at them, careful to keep her from seeing them.

“Your move, sweetheart,” he murmured and she quickly glanced at them. Curses! A full house, again! Tossing in the three tens, she was appalled when she ended up winning the round with her measly pair of eights. She was never going to be able to complete Spike’s order to lose!

Spike stood up and rested his hands on his belt. “Looks like I lost” he said, unbuckling. Buffybot smiled happily, watching. His fingers moved to the button, flicking it open. His eyes burned into hers as he slowly pulled the zipper down, oblivious to the stares of the rest of the table. The black denim was pushed down his hips, showing more and more skin...

“What the hell was that?” Spike paused, looking up at the ceiling, making Buffybot jump up in dismay.

“Nothing. Continue on with your disrobing,’ she said, but he stopped and looked at her.

“I hear something....wrong.”

The table started to shake, making the other card players jump up in alarm. Drinks spilled, and the cards suddenly flew up, scattering everywhere like snow. Someone screamed and all at once people started panicking, running in all directions. The noise was overwhelming.

“Hey!”

Buffybot turned to see Spike, thrown down and wrapped up in vines. “Let go of him!” she said, marching over, tearing them off.

“Buffy!”

Buffybot turned again, this time to see Willow running up to her, Xander and Anya in tow. “That’s me, I’m Buffy!” she answered. “Hey!” She pointed to Willow, “I know you!” Quickly, her files popped up.

Willow Rosenburg

-best friend since arrival in Sunnydale

-practicing Wicca

-dated a werewolf

-had a crush on Xander Harris

-currently secretly involved with mystery woman: may be bi-sexual

-attempt to kiss her at every opportunity

“Buffy, we have to get out of here!” Willow panted, trying to keep her footing as the floors shifted and groaned. “Something’s not right with this house!”

“That’s what I said,” Spike muttered from behind Buffybot.

Buffybot put her hand on Willow’s shoulder, stroking sweetly, smiling suggestively when Willow turned. Willow looked at her and gave her a tiny nod, smiling back uncertainly.

“Why don’t you have a shirt on?” Anya asked Spike, puzzled.

Her question interrupted Buffybot as she was about to lean into Willow. “We were playing strip poker!” Buffybot informed them, pleased. “Spike has a perfect body!”

Spike’s eyebrows rose, but he quickly struck a cocky pose at the looks from the other Scoobies. “What? It’s true. I hate to sound immodest, but-”

“Can we drop it with the naked Spike?” Xander demanded, ducking as a lamp whizzed by him, smashing into a wall. “This place is already creepy enough. Buffy, how can we stop this?”

They all looked at Buffybot and she looked back. “I slay,” she said. “I can’t slay a house, it’s not in my programming.” She turned to Willow and rubbed her back soothingly. “You’re a Wicca. And my best friend!”

“You’re right, Buffy.” Willow turned to the group excitedly, making Buffybot miss the kiss she’d had lined up. “Maybe I can talk to the spirits, ask them what’s up?”

“While you’re at it, ask them what’s up with Harris’ shirt,” Spike grumbled, pointing to the palm tree infested Hawaiian top. “Maybe that’s what angered them.”

“At least I have a top,” Xander pointed out. Spike scoffed.

“I’d rather be naked than wear that little number.”

Buffybot perked up. “Oooh! Yes please!” She raised her hand. Anya looked at her oddly.

“Something is fueling this house," Anya said, watching Buffybot alternate loving glances between Willow and Spike. “We need to find out what it is and stop it. And why are you doing that?”

Buffybot looked at Anya. “You’re an ex-vengeance demon.”

Anya nodded. “Yeah. I am. And you’re holding hands with Spike and Willow because...?” She turned to Xander. “Buffy’s holding hands with Spike and Willow. Make her stop. No one’s holding hands with me. Why isn’t she holding my hand?” She pouted and crossed her arms, feeling left out.

“I’ll hold your hand An,” Xander said soothingly, but she yanked her hand out of his grasp.

“Forget it, you’re too busy not having sex with me to hold hands.”

“Oh, the truth comes out.” Spike let go of Buffybot’s hand and started clapping sarcastically. “Great job Harris.”

Xander glared. “I don’t need comments from the likes of you. You got dumped by a crazy person, so you’re one to talk.”

Spike stepped forward, about to grab Xander and shake him like the little puppy he was when all at once the house gave an almighty shudder, knocking the group off balance. Electricity raced through the room, settling on them, crackling all around their bodies.

“Oh-oh,” Willow said, just before they were blown in all different directions.

Buffybot smashed right through the wall and into the adjacent room, bits of plaster and wallpaper clinging to her hair. She lay there for a moment, systems rebooting, programs reloading. Suddenly she sat up, her few minor errors repaired. Looking around, she saw that the house was empty of all party-goes. An eerie wind gusted, swirling her hair up. “I need to slay this evil,” she said loudly, marching towards the stairs. Vines attacked her, ripping at her clothes. “My top!” she cried in dismay, looking at the tear in her side. “How can I look hot now?”

A groan came from the top of the stairs. “Spike!” She shredded the vines that tried to hold her back. “I have to help him and his sexy, shirtless body!”

Spike sat up when she reached the hallway, rubbing his head grumpily. “Bloody hell. Even the frat parties are deathtraps on the Hellmouth.” He stumbled away from her, back down the stairs.

“Spike! Where are you going, Spike?” Buffybot reached for his bare back as he went by her. She caught a few mumbled words, something about ‘duster’ and ‘booze’. “I drink beer!” she offered helpfully, but he ignored her and pushed his way through the vines and down the steps.

Loud moaning made her turn her head back to the hallway. Someone was in pain! Her slaying program kicked in. “I must protect the innocent! Evil, take heed!” She ran to the door, dodging the torrent of spiny vines racing at her, and smashed it open with her foot. All went quiet, except for the couple inside the dark room, wrapped around each other on the bed.

“Hey!” Buffy said, blinking against the bright light flooding in from the door. Riley sat up and covered his eyes a bit, trying to block out the glare. “Doesn’t anyone knock around here?”

“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

Chapter three

DISCLAIMERS: `Dear Joss, Hi. How are you? I am fine. I'm still waiting for the royalty checks re: the Buffy stories I wrote about the characters you created. Where are they? Maybe you lost my address. Enclosed is an 8 by 10 glossy of me in my sassy underpants, and the above-mentioned underpants. Thanks! Sincerely, mr. monkeybottoms.'

THANKS: To all the people who read this, thank you! It is so nice to have your story enjoyed. *smacks you on the ass* And you have a nice little caboose there too! Of course, many thanks to bubonicplague, who always makes me feel better when I am convinced I have just written a chapter of crap.

SUMMARY: Ok. Let's see. Buffybot loves Spike, not Warren. I love Spike, not Warren. Buffybot played strip poker. I played strip poker! Buffybot got thrown through a wall. I got thrown through a wall. Ouch. Ok, maybe most of that last bit was untrue, but I did wash a wall yesterday! Whooo. Buffy tried to kiss Willow. I kissed my Spike poster. Buffybot heard a horrible noise and interrupted the real Buffy and Riley having sex. Monkeybottoms smashes head through her monitor to stop the pain of having to write that scene! Pray. For. monkeybottoms.

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Buffy trotted down the stairs, taking in the mess that the frat house was in. Papers were strewn everywhere. Lamps were broken, furniture overthrown. No one was in sight. "Nice," she muttered. "They trashed the place and took off before the clean up." She paused, looking towards the door. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea-

"Buffy." Riley appeared by her side, staring at the disaster. "Wow. They really threw a party." He rightened a chair, sighing. "Well, the two of us will have it straightened in no time."

"Yeah. Great," Buffy said, trying to sound enthusiastic. Picking up an ice bucket, she made a face. "I think someone used this as a bathroom." She held it out to him. He backed up.

“I'll go see how the kitchen looks," he said, beating a hasty retreat. "You can start in here. Garbage bags are in the broom closet under the stairs."

"Goody," Buffy muttered, watching him scamper off. "I'll get right on that." She opened the door to the closet.

"Buffy!"

Buffy turned in relief at the sound of Willow's voice, quickly putting the liquid-filled container in the corner, far, far away from her and slamming the door shut.

"Willow! Xander! Anya!" Buffy said, waving them closer. "Great to see you. Anything you need? Maybe something I should kill?" This was one time she wouldn't turn her nose up at an apocalypse.

"You did it Buffy! You stopped the spirits!" Willow hugged her tightly, stepping away quickly before she could start petting her again.

"Huh?" Buffy said.

Xander smacked her on the back. "Way to go, you number one Slayer you."

Buffy blushed, thinking they were teasing her about her hour-long sex-capade with Riley. "Oh, uhhh..."

Anya smiled at her. "You don't have to be shy about it. We all know what you did. It was amazing!"

Buffy's face turned an amazing shade of purple. Leave it to Anya to be pleased with this. "Um. Yeah, ok, thanks there, Anya."

Xander rubbed his back, grimacing. " Oh man, I hurt myself. I can't keep up like you, Buffy. Must be great to have those slayer powers. Keeps you from getting ingured too badly." He smiled at Anya a little, pleased when she smiled back.

"Riiiight," Buffy said slowly. Maybe cleaning that bucket of pee wasn’t so bad after all...

“Oh look, the little Scooby gang is having a meeting.”

Buffy groaned and turned to see Spike coming over, duster in hand. “Get lost Spike.”

Spike cocked his head. “Well well, the Slayer sings the old song again, does she?” He shrugged into his coat and yanked it shut. “I liked the other one better.” Turning, he started for the door.

“Huh?” Buffy said, again.

Spike gave the group the finger, slamming the door behind him.

“He is such an incredible pain in the ass,” Buffy said.

“I need to find Spike.” Buffybot walked down the street. She saw a man coming towards her. “Hello! Do you know where Spike is?” The man paused.

“Spike?” He looked at her suspiciously.

“Yes. I love him!” Buffybot smiled. “He has blonde hair and dreamy blue eyes. I want him to make love to me, but he’s gone. Where did Spike go? I need to find him. I also need to protect the innocent.”

The man backed up a step. “Um, I don’t know where he went, but I’m going to go now.” He took another step back. “Good luck, you’ll need it!” He took off, crossing the street to his car, and squealing away loudly.

“What a nice man!” Buffybot continued on her way. A few minutes later she suddenly stopped walking. “Hey! I know this.”

Joyce looked up in surprise when the door opened. “Buffy! What are you doing here?”

Buffybot rolled her eyes. “I live here.” She looked at the lady, programming kicking in.

Program files : Joyce Summers

-Mom: birth-present

-cooks

-cleans

-pays bills

-washes laundry

-loves Buffy

Buffybot smiled. “You’re my Mom!” She hugged Joyce, a little too tight, making Joyce grunt.

“Ooof! Buffy, I’m glad to see you too.” She stepped back, stroking Buffybot’s cheek. “You look different. Did you change your hair?”

“My shirt is torn.” She showed the hole in her top, making Joyce sigh.

“Another one? Oh well, put it in the mending basket with the rest. One day I’ll get around to sewing up all the rips and tears.”

“You wash and clean.”

Joyce laughed. “Yes I do.” She sat down on the couch and patted the seat beside her. Buffybot didn’t move. “Come, let’s talk for a bit. I never see you anymore now that you’ve gone off to school.”

Buffybot sat down beside her, smiling widely. “I go to Sunnydale University!”

“How is school going?”

Buffybot paused for a moment. “The school is not going anywhere, but I need to go find Spike.”

“Oh, you’re not staying?” Joyce asked, a little disappointed. “Oh well, the duties of a Slayer I suppose.”

“Yes, I am a Slayer.”

“Would you like something to eat before you go?” Joyce asked, getting up and going into the kitchen. Buffybot followed her.

“No thank you. I don’t eat. I drink beer!”

Joyce looked at her daughter in surprise. “Oh Buffy, you are such a teaser.” she laughed, shaking her head. Buffybot watched her, and then laughed too.

“Ha ha ha ha!” She stopped abruptly. “I can’t find Spike.”

“Maybe he’s in the graveyard,” Joyce answered absently, peering into the fridge. “Isn’t that where most vampires hang out?”

Buffybot thought for a moment. “Yes. Yes they do. I will look for Spike at the graveyards.”

Joyce buttered some bread for the sandwich she was making. “What did he do now?” she asked, laying some tomatoes and cheese on it. “Are you going to stake him? His chip didn’t malfunction did it? I’d hate to see Spike get...well, whatever you call it when you kill him.”

“Dusting. We call it dusting, and I usually say something funny when I do it, like: ‘Now your name is Dusty McDustpile!’ or, ‘Dusta La Vista, baby!’” She sighed dreamily. “But I would never dust Spike!”

Joyce put some pickle in the sandwich. “I’m glad to hear that. I know I’m not supposed to, but I actually like Spike.”

Buffybot beamed. “I like him too!” She looked at the plastic-wrapped sandwich Joyce held up to her. “I don’t eat plastic sandwiches. It would ruin my hard drive.”

Joyce gave her a smile, trying to act like she thought Buffy’s joke was funny. “Hmmm, yes. Good joke sweetie. I just thought you might like one for the road.”

Buffybot smiled. “Okay.”

Ten minutes later, she was changed into a nice, non-ripped outfit and on her way to search each and every graveyard until she found her beloved. “Oh! I almost forgot.” She looked at the pavement. “Here you go! I don’t understand my Mom’s order though!”

She walked away, the sandwich on the ground.

Chapter four

DISCLAIMERS: SO, I get another late-night drunken phone call from Joss last night. It’s the same old thing, he loves me terribly, he wants me back, he can’t go on without me, his car is missing, he’s wandering the streets looking for where he parked it...I suggest, rather piously, that maybe he should have thought about that before he dumped me for Alyson Hannigan, and went into a rather cruel imitation of him, “Oooh, Ally, she’d so great. Look, she’s doing her ’big eyes’, I just looooove her.” I point out that she went out with that Wesley guy and laugh, making Joss break out into fresh sobs. Wow, am I ever a bitch!

THANKS: Well, seeing as how poor Fanfiction has had so many system problems, I’m just glad anyone even managed to find my story to read. If you’re reading this right now, thank you! Thank you! Also, as usual, bubonic has helped me out so much! I love her!

LAST TIME ON BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Hey, check it out! Buffy got hosed into helping Riley clean up the frat house. Buffy had no idea that Buffybot saved the day. The Scoobies thought Buffy saved the day. Buffy thought they were talking about sex. Xander smiled at Anya. Everyone was clueless. Spike took off to his crypt. Buffybot found her home, her mom, and a sandwich. Good ole Buffybot! She’s off to find Spike, and make him a very happy vampire...

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Spike sipped from his mug, eyes glued to the television in front of him, completely spellbound. “You are one damn fine big bad, J.R.” He toasted the screen, grinning as J.R. pulled off yet another dastardly scheme. “Heh heh, that’s right, show all those ponces that you’re the boss...wait...who’s that?” He frowned, watching as J.R. spun around in his chair and was promptly shot. Spike gasped. “Balls! Someone just shot J.R.!” He jumped up, spilling a good amount of blood on the floor. His face fell. “Miss Ellie will be sick with worry when she finds out.”

“Spike!”

He turned to see the Slayer standing in his doorway, wearing a smile and not much else. It’s not like that tiny black number was actually counting as a covering, what with all the leg and breasts and the slits up to there. Buffy turned to close the door and Spike’s eyes widened as he saw that her dress was almost completely backless. What the hell was holding this thing on her?

“Spike, I’ve looked all over for you.” Buffybot said, her smile almost blinding. She came over and slid her arms around him. “Where did you go after the party? You were about to take off your pants. Will you take them off now?”

Spike backpedaled, bashing into his worn out old chair. “What are you playing at now Slayer?” He glared at her.

Buffybot ran through her programs.

Sex games:

-Role Playing

-Fantasy

-Aggressive

-Passive

-Virgin

-Slut

-Hooker

“I can play many games,” Buffybot announced. “Which would you like? I could be a slut!”

Spike looked her over insolently. “You could indeed.”

Buffybot smiled and put her hand down Spike’s pants, causing him to jump in surprise. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes,” Spike said, simply, watching as Buffybot unzipped. She kneeled before him and he gasped in surprise. “Oh god! Holy Jesus Buffy, how did you learn to do that?”

Buffybot pulled away. “I was programmed.”

Spike led her back. “Programmed?” He frowned, wondering if this was yet another one of Willow’s spells-gone-wrong , but Buffybot swirled her tongue and he wrapped his hands in her long hair, forgetting all about that tiny twinge of conscience.

“I want you Spike!” Buffybot announced between licks. “I want you to ravage me!”

Spike groaned at her words.

“I want you to pillage me! And plunder me!” Buffybot continued, sucking hard.

“What?” Spike shook his head, confused by her choice of words but finding it rather difficult to concentrate, what with the way Buffy‘s mouth felt gliding up and down his- “Pillage...?”

Buffybot paused her oral program. “Yes. Pillage. It's another word for ‘ravage’ and ‘plunder’.”

Spike looked down at her. “I bloody well know what they mean Slayer. What, did you read your thesaurus before you-” Buffybot smiled into his eyes and swallowed him down, making him stutter the last bit. “Y-you...came down here.” She did it again and he gave up all attempts to think, finding it more enjoyable to thrust strongly into her warm, wet mouth. Much more.

“You were incredible.”

Spike smiled against Buffybot’s skin and bit her neck softly. “I know.” He stretched in contentment, still deep inside her. “I knew you’d love it.”

“I did! I loved every minute, every second,” Buffybot sighed and wriggled against him. “I’ll do anything you want Spike.” She sat up on his bed and looked at him. “Do you want me to organize your tapes of ‘The X Files?’”

“No Slayer, I want you to-wait...X-Files?” He stared at her closely and she smiled brightly, waiting. “What are you talking about?” He got out of bed and walked towards his bottle of bourbon. He needed a drink.

“Where are you going, Mulder?” Buffybot said. Spike shook his head.

“Slayer...what are you-”

“The truth is out there,” Buffybot said throatily, sliding up on her knees and posing. “And I want you to give it to me, Mulder.” She arched her back and Spike’s mouth went dry at the sight. “Please Fox, I want to believe...please, make me a believer!”

Spike tossed the bottle over his shoulder and came back over to the bed, kneeling behind her thighs. “Slayer...” He slid in smoothly and she let out a yell. “Slayer...Buffy...”

“I’m Dana,” Buffybot told him, then went back to her cries of pleasure. “Yes! Fox yes!”

“Buffy...” Spike thrust faster, grabbing at her hips for leverage.

“Dana,” Buffybot corrected helpfully.

“Buff-” Spike shrugged. “Dana. God, yes.” He grabbed her hair and she moaned loudly. “Oh yeah, you like it kinky, don’t you Dana?”

“Please. Please Fox...”

“Yeah, that’s it Dana, come on....”

“Oh Mulder, oh yes! Yes! YES!”

“Buffy!” Spike shuddered against her, groaning. “God Buffy,” he muttered, collapsing on the bed again. “You’ll be the death of me. Well, figuratively speaking.”

Buffybot snuggled close and sighed, pleased at completing her priorities. She knew that she now felt happy and satisfied in the way that Spike, and only Spike, could make her feel. Plus, Spike was the most perfect being in the known universe, according to her programming. She looked at him next to her, his eyes closed, face relaxed. “You’re beautiful,” she whispered, touching his cheek softly. He smiled a bit at that, eyes still shut.

“Beautiful. That’s you, pet,” he said sleepily. The sun was coming up and he was rather worn out, all things considered. Four times in two hours wasn’t his personal best, but it was still rather impressive. He wrapped his arms around the Slayer next to him and drifted off.

Buffybot watched him until he fell asleep, admiring his perfect cheekbones. Suddenly, her internal clock beeped.

“Time for school!” she said, making Spike mumble a bit and turn over. “I go to Sunnydale University.”

Her black dress was completely ruined, reduced to nothing more than a tiny scrap of fabric under Spike’s passionate touches. She held it up, frowning. “What am I going to wear to class?”

Buffy’s alarm went off and she groaned, rolling over and shoving her pillow over her head. “Morningtime already?”

“Wake up sleepyhead!” Willow breezed by happily, already dressed and ready for class. She picked up her backpack and carefully packed her books. “Don’t forget you have that test. You’ll be late if you don’t hustle your bum.” She grabbed an apple and opened the door. “See you in class!” she called, rushing out the door.

Buffy poked her head out from under the pillow. “What?”

Willow hurried down the hall to class. If she was quick she could be early for class and get her pencils arranged on her desk. One may need to be sharpened again. Or maybe one was even broken! Luckily she brought many extras. She opened the class door.

“Willow!”

Willow looked in surprise. “Buffy! Wow, how did you beat me here?”

Buffybot frowned. “I didn’t beat you. I’d never hurt you, you’re my best friend! I saw a group of people come in here, so I did too. I go to Sunnydale U!”

“It’s just that...when I left, you...in bed...” Willow said, face confused.

“I was in bed.” Buffybot smiled, thinking of sexy Spike and his sexy bed. “Then I came here.”

“O-kay,” Willow said, sitting down beside her. “The Slayer has the right to be fast. I mean, all you had to do was get up and brush your hair and teeth and get dressed...” She trailed off, looking at her friend. “Um, that’s a different look for you.”

Buffybot smiled brilliantly. “Thank you Willow. I love these clothes.”

“I’ve just never seen you in...black baggy jeans...and a black baggy t-shirt...and that red top before...” Willow said carefully, not wanting to hurt Buffy’s feelings. “It’s kinda...Spike.”

“Thank you!” Buffybot said happily, reaching over to hold Willow's hand.

“Buffy, is everything-” Willow started to ask, by was interrupted by the prof entering the room. Panicked, she grabbed at her pencils.

“Alright people, settle in, shall we?” The prof barked, clapping his hands. “We’re all grown adults here. Find yourself a seat and sit in it. Yes, even you there, up there in the last row.” He held up a stack of papers. “Here is your test. They are NOT multiple choice as so often given in Psyche. They are not essay. Do not write an essay for each question. They are in between. Answer accordingly.” He plopped a bunch on each row and the students passed them amongst each other. “You have one hour. I suggest you start.”

Willow passed Buffybot her paper and she looked at it, finally letting go of her hand.

“Did you forget your pencil?” Willow whispered in concern. “Here, I have some extra.”

“Thanks,” Buffybot said. She twirled it and stared at her paper.

QUESTION 1: Have you ever felt as though you would genuinely like to kill somebody?

Buffybot shrugged and wrote:

I kill evil things. Demon, vampires, you name it. It’s my calling. Evil must die!

QUESTION 2: Did you avoid fights or rough games when you were a child?

I’m the Slayer! I always fight!

QUESTION 3: What is the male hormone testosterone associated with?

Spike.

QUESTION 4: What is ‘Williams Syndrome’?

Spike has no syndromes, he is absolutely perfect. Perhaps his only fault is giving me too much pleasure.

QUESTION 5: Bob, a four-year-old, keeps saying "goed" instead of "went" and "runned" instead of "ran." What kind of error is Bob making?

Bob is faulty. He is talking funny. Perhaps something is wrong with his speech program.

QUESTION 6: What is the phallic stage?

The phallic stage is my favorite. Spike's penis is large, and it comes out right before I want to pleasure him, or he pleasures me....

QUESTION 7: The Oedipal complex arises during which of Freud's psychosexual stages?

I don't know what that means, but Spike's complex rises the moment he sees me.

QUESTION 8: Boys' groups tend to differ from girls' groups in that:

Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina. I like Spike's penis!

QUESTION 9: An example of an ego defense is:

The Ego demon is tiny, and therefore I don’t have to worry about it’s defense moves. I would just mash it with my boot.

QUESTION 10: Fixation of the libido at the anal stage can lead to:

Well, that will lead to Spike giving me pleasure in the anus. He is always fixated on my bum, he says it's hot and perfect and he wants spank and smack it, and one day he may even screw it!

QUESTION 11: In Freudian theory, oral fixation is associated with which behaviors as an adult?

I am always wanting to suck Spike's penis. It is a joy. I could do it all day long!

QUESTION 12: . Indicate the stage that comes last in Freud's theory of psychosexual development:

I’ve never met Freud, but Spike’s theory is that I should always come last, and repeatedly. And I do, because he is a god in bed.

“Time’s up people,” The prof said, amidst groans and frantic writing. “All right, pencils down. Hand it in, good or bad. And, judging from the looks on your faces, I expect many, many bad.”

Buffybot handed hers to him, massive grin on her face. “Thank you for the test. Have a great day!”

“Buffy,” Willow called, and she turned. “I have to run to the dorm room. Will you meet me for coffee? Mocha-latte-chinos!”

“Sure!”

Willow smiled. “Okay, great. I’ll just be a few minutes, I forgot my extra bag of pens on the dresser. My highlighter is in there!”

Two minutes later, Willow opened the door to find Buffy standing there, doing her hair. “How do you keep doing that?” she said in frustration.

“I just twist it up like so, and add a few pins here, and here...”

“No,” Willow interrupted. “How do you keep beating me to places?”

Buffy turned to her friend. “Huh?”

“And you even had time to change.”

Buffy looked at her outfit. “Well, the jammie look is out, I hear. So I put this on when I leave the dorm.”

Willow picked up her pens and shook her head. “Come on, we can talk about the test over those fancy coffees with the frothy tops.”

“Test? What test?”

Willow stared.

Chapter five

DISCLAIMERS: You know who’s sexy? That Joss guy. I phoned him last night, but each time he picked up I chickened out and hung up before I could say a word. After the, oh, fortieth time he calls me back! ‘Look, you know I have that restraining order, so cut it out.’ He says. I was thrilled! I mean, he was talking to me! OMG.

THANKS: Thank you to everyone who keeps up with this fic. The updates have been sparse, but never fear, ff.net will be up and running soon. (I hope. Poor guys) As always, thanks to bub, she keeps me happy and writing and inspired.

LAST TIME ON BTVS: Buffybot found Spike and seduced his rock-hard ass. Like it took much, lol. Buffybot went to S.U. Buffybot wore Spike’s clothes. Man, now he only has eight sets of black tee-shirts, red tops and black jeans. I guess he’ll just have to be naked. Buffy slept in. Buffybot stumbled upon Buffy’s psyche test and promptly failed in. She also convinced her prof that Buffy was A) psychotic, and B) a smartass. A smartass psychotic...the worst kind! Willow was confused at Buffy’s new amazing fast-changing powers. Willow also had a pen/pencil fetish. Who woulda thunk it? *gasps* And so, the saga continues:

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Buffybot sat at one of the eight coffeeshops on campus, waiting patiently for Willow, two foamy cups on the table and a large smile on her face. Willow was taking a long time to join her, but she was happy. Many of her programs told her this. Her programs also told her she’d been away from Spike for 3.25 hours now and she needed to get back to him soon.

“Buffy!” Buffybot turned and her smile disappeared. “Riley.” Her programming kicked in again.

Name search: Riley

Riley Finn

-teacher’s assistant

-member of the Initiative

-dating

-big loser

-giant lummox

-insult and break up with him

“Hi!” Riley sat down beside her. “You look pretty today. I’ve never seen that outfit before.” He leaned in for a kiss, but Buffybot moved her head away quickly. “Is everything alright?” he asked, concerned. Buffybot looked at him.

“No. It isn’t alright. I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore. Have a nice day!”

Riley paused. “What?”

“You have beady eyes,” Buffybot said.

Riley blinked said eyes. “Buffy...”

“I think you should go now,” Buffybot informed him. “It’s nothing personal, you know. It’s just that you are so massive, it hurts my neck to look at you. And your hair is boring. And, well, so are you. Bye now! I’m meeting Willow for lattes!”

Riley stood up quickly, looking upset. “Fine.” He turned to go, then turned back, face tight. “I don’t know what happened there.”

“I broke up with you,” Buffybot said, smile still in place.

Riley looked at her a moment more, completely confused. “Alright. Okay. I....” He walked away quickly through the crowd, still muttering.

“Hmmm. That’s better.” Buffybot took a sip of her coffee. “Oooh! Frothy!” She waited patiently, sitting quietly. 

A group of college guys watched her from a few tables away, whispering to each other. One smiled at her and she smiled back happily. Encouraged, he stood up and came over.

“Hi,“ he said, sitting down.

“My name’s Buffy,“ she told him cheerfully. “I go to Sunnydale University!”

“Me too,” the guy said, shooting a glance towards his grinning friends. “I’m Greg.”

Buffybot nodded and read her files. Coming up empty, she smiled again. “I don’t know you! Thanks for stopping by!”

Greg paused, unsure of how to answer that. “Um. You’re welcome?” He looked at the extra coffee mug on the table and asked, “So. Meeting someone? Your boyfriend?”

“My boyfriend isn’t here. He’s asleep after giving me amazing sex last night. Do you know him? His name’s Spike!”

Greg made a face. “No, uh, I don’t know Spike.” He looked over at his friends again and turned back. “So, you and this Spike guy....you’re inclusive? Cause, I think you’re the hottest girl I’ve ever seen and I’d love to take you out sometime. Maybe to dinner?”

Buffybot gasped. “I love Spike! No one else may touch my body but him! And I’d never eat dinner with someone else! Except for maybe my friends and Giles. He’s my Watcher.”

“Watcher...?” Greg paused. That sounded kinky. “He...watches you?”

“He’s been my Watcher since I was fifteen.”

Greg’s eyebrows rose. This girl was a firecracker. She‘d been into the kink since she was a kid! “Oh yeah?”

“Yes. He trained me.”

Greg nodded, leaning closer. “Did he film you too?” he asked hopefully. Buffybot frowned.

“I don’t know. Perhaps he did.”

Greg slid a hand towards her thigh. “Maybe we could all...get together, you know, me, you, the ‘watcher’ guy and make a little movie ourselves.”

“A movie?” Buffybot asked, just as his hand touched her. “Hey! Only Spike can touch me there!” She shoved him hard, sending him flying across the room into his table of friends. People scattered. “Keep your hands off me!” she yelled as he laid there, dazed. The crowd looked at her for a moment, then slowly went back to whatever they were doing. Eventually Greg's friend's managed to pull him up and lead him away, sending frightened looks towards the still-happy Buffybot.

Buffybot sat back down, smile back on her face. She looked up and could see Willow coming over. Standing up, she waved excitedly. “Willow! My friend! Over here!”

Willow walked over, frowning. “You changed back into your, uh....” she trailed off, looking at the Spike outfit. Buffybot smiled and passed over her coffee. “Oh. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, best friend.”

Willow sipped. “When I left the dorm room, you said you had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned frothy coffee.”

Buffybot reached over and took Willow’s hand. “Willow. That’s ridiculous. Look.” She held up her own coffee. “Here it is!” She re-read her program.

Willow Rosenburg

-best friend since arrival in Sunnydale

-practicing Wicca

-dated a werewolf

-had a crush on Xander Harris

-currently secretly involved with mystery woman: may be bisexual

-attempt to kiss her at every opportunity

“How’s the Wiccan studies going?” Buffybot asked, sliding her chair closer to Willow. “You dated a werewolf.”

Willow’s eyebrows raised. “Um. Yeah, Oz...uh, well, the Wicca Group is kinda dumb. All they wanted to do is talk. Nary a spell in sight. They are more of a Non-Wiccan group, really, all talking about woman-power fund raisers and so on...“ She trailed off as Buffybot started to stroke her shoulder. “Um...”

Buffybot leaned closer.

“I mean, what did they think Wiccans do anyways? They all giggled when I suggested practicing a levitating spell or something.“ Buffybot nodded and slid her arm around Willow’s shoulders. “I was dumb to think they were a real Wiccan group. There is one girl though... and...Oh! Look! It’s Xander!” Willow stood up nervously, pointing. “Our friend Xander is coming to visit his college friends! Wow, isn‘t that great?” She waved at him frantically, motioning for him to come over.

Xander saw Willow and Buffy on the other side of the room and waved back. Buffy saw him too, and smiled, then stood up and turned back to Willow. “Oh. My. God.” Xander stopped dead as Buffy leaned over to Willow and planted a full lip-on-lip kiss on her, hands tangled in her hair. “Oh. God. I’m in heaven. I’ve died and gone to heaven. Or I’m dreaming.” His mouth dropped open as he saw Buffy slip her tongue between Willows lips. He grabbed the guy standing next to him. “Am I dreaming? Pinch me.”

The guy shook his arm away. “Shove it, freak,” he said, pushing at Xander.

“Nope. Still awake.” Xander hurried over to the two kissing girls.

“Buffy!” Willow pulled away, red, and flopped back down onto her chair. “What are you doing?”

“I’m kissing you,” she answered matter-of-factly. Hi Xander.” Buffybot flashed a blinding smile at him as he rushed over. “I’m kissing Willow.” She leaned in again, causing Willow to scoot back violently, chair legs screeching against the floor. “I also broke up with Riley. His head is large.”

“I have to go.” Willow stood up, flustered.

“Will, wait!” Xander called after her as she ran out. “No, don’t go. Buffy was just being friendly...” He trailed off, disappointed. “Darn.” Turning back to Buffy, he was rewarded with a toothy smile. “So. That was new.”

*************************************

Giles opened the door to find Willow looking panicked. “Ah. Willow. What’s the matter?” he asked as she shoved her way past him.

“It’s all the matter! Everything’s wrong!” She grabbed at his books and started flipping through one. “Something’s very, very wrong!”

“Well, what is it?” Giles came over. “Where’s Buffy?”

Willow whirled around to face him. “Buffy’s gone insane! She’s under a spell of some sort, and I didn’t do it, okay! I haven’t done any kind of ’My will be done’ spell, so don’t blame me! It’s not always my fault, you know. You don’t have to immediately assume I did it.”

Giles sighed and reached for his glasses. “No one said you did it Willow” he said, putting them on. “Now, tell me, what exactly did Buffy do? Is she alright?”

“She’s not hurt, but she’s most definitely not alright. She’s forgetting things. She’s acting strange. And she’s dressing like Spike!”

“All these things don’t necessarily mean she’s had a spell cast on her,” Giles replied.

“Well, she also...” Willow trailed off, flushing furiously.

Giles sighed. “Yes?”

Willow looked down. “She, um, you know...”

“Oh dear lord. She’s not engaged to Spike again, is she?”

“No!” Willow said quickly. “Well, at least I don’t think she is.”

“Willow, if something is indeed wrong with Buffy, we won’t be able to help her unless you tell me what happened.”

Willow took a deep breath. “She kissed me.”

A pause.

“Ah. I see. Erm....”Giles shifted uncomfortably. “I’ll get the books.”

Chapter six

DISCLAIMERS: As I rummaged through Joss’ garbage last night, I saw that he’d left his bathroom window slightly open . Grabbing my trusty crowbar I had in my...uh...hand, for emergencies and stuff...you know...well, anyways, grabbing it, I wedged it open enough for me to squeeze inside. Wow! I hit pay dirt! By the time the cops came to investigate the house alarm going off, I was running down the backyards with his hairbrush, some used Kleenex, a toothbrush (barely rinsed), and a water-bottle filled with pee-water! He’d forgotten to flush! SCORE!

THANKS: Thanks to James Marsters for being so damn amazing. Thanks to Joss for creating BTVS. Thanks to Bub for being my beta-buddy. Thanks to me for being so damn sexy! Yay me!

UPDATE: Buffybot had lattes. Buffybot broke up with Riley. Buffybot was hit on by a horny college guy and shoved him across the room. No one really cared. Buffybot made Xander the happiest guy on earth and frenched Willow. Buffybot was a busy little bee, wasn’t she? Willow ran to Giles and they started looking for clues as to why Buffy was acting all GAY!now! And all WEIRD!now! Buffy was busy doing her hair and looking in her closet I guess. I dunno.

*************************************************************

“What do you mean he won’t come to the phone?” Buffy demanded, annoyed. These Initiative guys were a real piece of work. “What’s wrong with him? I hurt his feelings? When? Look, I didn’t mean to leave that pee-bucket in the closet, okay, I just...what? Um...you don’t know what I’m talking about? Uh, well, me neither. Just forget I even said the words ‘pee-bucket’, okay? Look, I have to go, tell Riley I’ll call him later...well, I think he will come to the phone next time I call!” She slammed the phone down, annoyed. “Jerk.” The handle snapped in two, the receiver dangling by some colourful wires. “Oops.”

She stepped out of the payphone gingerly, feeling like a total delinquent. Some Slayer she was. Buffy the Payphone Slayer. It had a certain ring to it. Hee! Ring! She giggled a bit at her internal joke, but immediately felt bad as an older gentleman walked towards the booth and got inside. Feeling guilty, she beat a hasty retreat as the man entered the glass cubicle.

Buffy walked through the quiet of the graveyard, absentmindedly staking a fledgling vamp without even stopping, stake back in her pocket before he’d even finished dying. Again. He dusted as she walked through him, his surprised face swirling away into a million tiny specks. It would have been beautiful, if it wasn’t so morbid. She sighed.

Buffy was bored. And annoyed. Men were so difficult to figure out. One night her boyfriend gives her wonderful, amazing sex, and the next thing you know he’s pouting like a little girl with a broken dolly. Even Angel wasn’t this broody.

Then there were her friends. Willow was acting like a maniac, asking her odd questions that made no sense and frowning at her every word. She’d taken off during school and Buffy hadn’t seen her since. And that night, at the Bronze, Xander had smiled at her so much she thought his face might split. Every time she’d said something he’d stuttered and swallowed, wiping his hands on his pants until she’d finally given up on talking to him and turned, in desperation, to Anya. Anya, on the other hand, hadn’t even looked at her, just glared at the grinning Xander, finally smacking him hard in the shoulder and storming off into the upstairs. At that point Buffy had just given up and gone patrolling.

The sound of a scuffle made her perk up. A decent slay would get rid of some of her tension. She could use a good fight. Plus, you know, job and fate and destiny and weight of the world and all that. Or whatever it was that Giles was mumbling about the other day, she’d tuned him out in favor of the ’Elle’ magazine that she’d hidden behind her horribly boring Watcher-book. Until Giles took it away, that is.

Coming around a mausoleum, she was bitterly disappointed to find not some demons creating havoc and running amuck, but Spike beating the un-living tar out of some beefy looking vamp. She paused, watching him pummel the larger vampire viciously, toying with it, mocking it. Spike was obviously enjoying himself. Sicko she thought as he gave the vampire a brutal kick to the face. Only a twisted individual would enjoy a fight like this. She turned to go, but two more appeared out of nowhere, jumping on him and making him stumble a bit. Reacting, she threw her stake, piercing the closer one through it’s back, sending a wave of dust over Spike and the other two. The three vamps looked up in surprise, Goon One and Goon Two gaping at her. Spike straightened and gave her a slow smile.

“Hello Slayer,” he drawled, eyes flowing over her body like water. “Come to rescue me have you?”

“Not even close Spike.” Buffy strode into the clearing, making the other two panic and scatter. Spike grabbed Goon Two easily, throwing it to the ground. Buffy went after Goon One, delivering a well-placed kick to the back of it’s thigh, making it lose it’s balance with a shout. “I’m just doing my job.” She punched the unlucky number One in the face, breaking it’s nose and getting a snarl in return. “What’s your excuse?” Goon One scrambled on the ground, making a break for it, but Buffy jumped on it, knees grinding painfully into it’s arms. “Enjoy your stay in Hell, I hear it’s a real hot spot!” she said, shoving her stake through it’s heart.

Spike sighed. “That was the lamest quip I’ve ever heard from you,” he said, snapping Goon Two’s neck with a quick twist. “It made me not even care about killing this one.” He curled his lip, shaking his duster clean.

Buffy shrugged, brushing dust off her arms. “Whatever Spike. I’m outta here.”

Spike quickly stepped in front of her possessively, bodies almost touching, a slight leer on his face. She sighed and gave him her best disgruntled look. “What do you want now Spike?” she asked impatiently, hands on her hips.

He smirked a little at that and leaned closer. “I think you know what I want.”

Buffy blinked. “What?” she asked, surprised. Was he...coming on to her?!

Spike stared at her, pinning her in place with his eyes. “I said...” He bent down slightly, lips an inch away from hers, half an inch, one third...”I. Think. You. Know. What. I. Want.” he breathed. His lips brushed hers with the last word and she recoiled in shock. Spike grabbed her arms and yanked her close again, giving a little laugh.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Buffy gasped, too surprised to think clearly.

“Oh, don’t play this game with me now Slayer.” Spike looked heavenwards and rolled his eyes. “It’s a little old, don’t you think?”

Recovering , she shoved him hard, and he went down, sprawled on his back before her. The look he gave her said he’d be more than happy if she joined him there, in the grass and dirt, in the dust of dead vampires. He gave her hot-eyes, tongue between his teeth, looking way too confident in his sexuality for her liking. Suddenly he swept his foot over her feet and she was on her back, winded. Spike was on top of her in a flash, hands pinning her down, lips hot on hers. She gasped and his tongue slipped in, rubbing against hers, licking at her. She was shocked. She was revolted. She was extremely wet.

Spike thrust against her and she wrapped her legs around his waist. But, instead of the mutual grinding he was expecting, he was treated to just how tight Buffy could squeeze. His ribs cracked.

“Jesus Buffy!” He tore his mouth away and grimaced in pain. Buffy squeezed again and he arched helplessly. “Stop it you bitch!”

“Stop it?” Buffy tightened some more. “You stop it!” She twisted, pulling him down to the ground, and kicked him away. He rolled to his side, groaning. She got up and kicked him again, hard. “Can this day get any more stupid?” she asked, looking skyward.

“I doubt it,” he moaned, clutching his side.

“No one asked you,” Buffy snapped. She swiped at her mouth in exaggerated disgust. “UGH! I have to go home and shower. For about two days straight.” She aimed another kick into him and he jerked a bit, grunting quietly. “Pig!”

“Oh, I see. You just came here to taunt me. Typical Slayer move. Shouldn’t be surprised. Well, carry on then, off to your perfect little life, where you don’t have me to push around and use like some little stable-boy. Ole Spikey isn’t gonna give it to you now, no matter how much you beg for it next time.”

“Wha-at?” Buffy spat, completely pissed off. “You’re crazy!” She stomped off, muttering under her breath.

“I’m crazy?” Spike shouted after her, hissing as a jolt of pain ran down his body. “I’m crazy? Me? You’re the crazy one here Slayer! You!”

Buffy turned. “Shut up! Just shut up Spike! And don’t you ever try anything like that again!”

“You wish!” he yelled to her rapidly retreating back. She turned and gave him the finger, making him swear at her, loudly. She gasped at his words and threw a rock at him. It bounced off the top of his head with an amusing little ‘bong!’ and she huffed off, ignoring the even louder, more creative curses he sent after her as she left.

Spike watched her go, still clutching his ribs. “Dammit...” He winced as a stabbing pain shot through his side. “Ow!”

He knelt on the ground, slowly making his way upright. What the hell was her problem anyways? The girl was a complete nutcase. One minute she’s tonguing a bottle of beer to entice him, the next she’s telling him to get lost. Then she shows up at his crypt and fucks him for hours on end, and when he tries to get a little more, she crushes him like a tin can. “Bloody tease,” he muttered, standing up slowly. “Well, next time she’s all worked up because her saluting idiot of a boyfriend can’t do it for her, she’d better not come running to me for satisfaction.” He thought of the kiss he’d taken from her, how she’d kissed him back for just a moment, her teeth sharp against his mouth, and scoffed. Who was he kidding? He’d do it again in a heartbeat if she showed up. He’d never had it so good.

Her taste was still on him, her taste mixed with a bit of blood from when she’d nipped at him in passion. He grinned and licked at his lips, enjoying the combined flavors...and frowned. “Wait a minute.” He licked again, thinking. She hadn’t tasted like this before. In fact, she hadn’t tasted like...well, anything. He looked up in the direction she’d gone, eyes narrowed. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong, and he was right in the middle of it.

Spike smiled.

Chapter seven

DISCLAIMERS: You know what I’m tired of? Joss. Joss calling me and emailing me, leaving messages for me at work, pushing letters under my door. It gets pretty darn tiresome. *takes another drink* You know what else I hate? *slurs slightly, weaving* Joss and Spike all fighting over me and shit. I mean, daaaamn! *falls over table* I’m NOT delusional! *waves bottle at the dog, pointing madly* YOU’RE delusional!

THANKS: I love you all so much! *sobs into her beer* And Bub! She met James! *bawls* I looover her soo mush...hic

HUH? WHAT?: Buffy got snubbed by Riley and had no idea why. Damn baby. Buffy saved Spike’s ass again. Spike leered and preened. Yum! Spike tried to get some more action, and was promptly squished by the Slayer’s strong thighs. Buffy stormed out. Spike got a clue, unlike the rest of the Scoobies. Go Spike!

**********************************************************************

“Finally! I found you.”

Buffy turned and looked over her shoulder.

“God, I’ve been looking for you for days now! Where have you been?” Warren hissed, looking around nervously.

“Warren?” Buffy asked, squinting in the dim light.

Warren stepped out of the bushes and came closer. “Come on, let’s get out of here before Buffy shows up or something.”

Buffy blinked. “Huh?”

Warren took a deep breath . “Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley spaceport. Docking bay ninety-four,” he said, carefully.

Buffy sighed and looked heavenward. This was proving to be one long day. “What the hell are you talking about? Has the whole town gone crazy?” She paused suddenly, worried. “That’s not it, is it? You haven’t all gone nuts from a spell have you?” She looked back towards the campus, brows together in concern. Maybe she should go see Giles and tell him what was going on.

Warren came closer and bent down slightly, looking into her eyes. “Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley spaceport. Docking bay ninety-”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time, so drop the secret code, okay? What am I supposed to answer, johnnycake fishlegs? I don’t know the answer to your little password.” Buffy held her arms open wide in a gesture of submission. “So, whatever college prank you’re up to, prank it on someone else.”

“Buffy?” Warren said nervously, taking a few steps back. This wasn‘t the Bot, it was actually Buffy. He was in for it now, unless he could cover. Be smooth...“Oh, uh. Good to see you. Long time and all.” He shifted uncomfortably, positive that she knew exactly what was going on and was about to throttle him. Or maybe she was stalling, waiting for the cops to come and arrest him. Or, even worse, a secret government operation could be on it’s way, ready to take him into custody to work on class-five missions, never to be seen from again! “I have to go,” he blurted, suddenly turning and racing away madly.

Buffy watched him run off into the night. “Yeah. That was weird.“ Shrugging, she headed off to Giles’.

“Spike? I’m all done slaying. Shall I pleasure you now?”

Spike looked up from his chair as the door to his crypt opened , putting the bottle of bourbon down on the cold stone floor with a sigh. He looked at her, considering. This was not what he was expecting. “Ah. The nicer, easier version is here.”

Buffybot smiled. “I am nice,” she agreed, coming over to him. “I’m pretty too.”

Spike stood up slowly, wincing a bit at the pain, a hand to his side. If this wasn’t Buffy, just who the hell was she? Or, to be more precise, what. “So,” he said slowly, staring at her face. “Where did you come from then?”

Buffybot looked at him for a moment, thinking. “I came from the graveyard!” she said happily. Spike looked surprised at her answer.

“Oh, so you were raised then.” He cocked his head, looking at her for signs of evil. None to be seen, and she certainly didn’t act like a zombie.

“Yes! I was raised by my mother!” Buffybot answered brightly, ending Spike‘s first theory .

Spike raised his eyebrows for a moment. Ah, so that’s the ticket, a story straight out of the telly. He thought of Passions and nodded a bit. “Like an evil twin...”

The Bot blinked. “I don’t have a twin. I slay evil!”

Spike went and sat back down again with a sigh of frustration. Looking at her, he frowned. “Where. Did. You. Come. From.” he said slowly and carefully, making sure every word was clear and precise. Buffybot paused.

“The. Grave. Yard. I. Was. Slaying.” she answered, slowly, carefully, and precisely, making Spike want to bash his head against the stone walls.

“Okay. And before that?” he asked, running a hand through his hair. Buffybot perked up.

“Sunnydale U!” she chirped.

Spike frowned at her. “What, you mean you were grown, in a lab then?”

Buffybot ran her program. “I wasn’t grown in a lab. I was made in a basement. Warren made me,” she said, making Spike sit up straight.

“Ah ha! Here we go. Now we’re getting somewhere. Just who’s this Warren fella?” Spike asked, looking at the Bot for stitches or staples or whatever people used nowadays to construct humans.

“He’s very smart!” She paused as her systems re-loaded, and continued. “But not as smart as you! He’s sexy, but not as sexy as you! He’s perfect, but not as perfect as you! He-”

“I get it.” Spike interrupted impatiently. He stood up and came close, looking at her carefully. “No scars. No stitches. No zippers or buttons.” He put his head close to he chest and she smiled happily, lips parted invitingly. He listened for a second, really listened, and raised an eyebrow. Standing up, he looked at her. “No heartbeat. No blood. What are you?”

Buffybot looked at him. “I’m Buffy!” she said cheerfully. Spike went over to the chair again and sank down into it with a sigh. He was feeling better already. Damn bitch Slayer wasn’t going to hold him back for long. The other Buffy stood there, watching him silently. “You know what? We’re going to have a lot of fun, the two of us.”

Buffybot smiled at him and came to sit on his lap. “Can we have hot monkey sex now?”

Spike grinned at her, putting his arm around her waist. “Well luv, that would be grand, but I have bigger plans for you.” He smiled rather evilly, enjoying the feeling of being wicked once again. Maybe he couldn’t bite anyone, but he still had the ole big bad in him. He’d show them who was still able to create terror and havoc. Buffy slipped her hand into his shirt and he looked into her eyes. Damned if she didn’t look just like the real Buffy.

Xander looked at Willow and shook his head. “I don’t see why you think something’s wrong with Buffy. Girl-girl kissing is perfectly normal.” He pointed his Ho-Ho at the group, serious. “In fact, girls should do it more!” He got a glare from both Willow and Anya for his troubles. “What?”

Willow looked up from her books, rather defeated. “It’s not just the, uh...you know. Kissing,” she whispered. “It’s the odd behavior. The forgetting...”

“That doesn’t sound unusual,” Anya said, shrugging. Buffy had seemed normal enough at the Bronze earlier, despite Xander’s total drooling. Stupid Xander.

“Well, what about the teleporting. And, her outfits,” Willow pointed out worriedly.

Giles rubbed at his eyes. “I really don’t know Willow. There’s nothing in the books that describes what you’re saying. Perhaps if we simply talked to her, which really, we should have done in the first place. I was just a little, erm, thrown off by the current events.”

Xander swallowed his Ho-Ho and nodded at Giles. “Yes. Giles is right. Willow, you should talk to her as much as possible.” He looked at his girlfriend. “Anya too.”

Giles sighed.

Anya crossed her arms and leaned back into the couch in defiance. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Girls kiss all the time.”

Xander looked up. “Where!?”

“She probably wanted to experiment,” Anya continued, ignoring him. “Like last night for instance, when Xander asked me to let him enter my portal of Sodom...”

Panicked, Xander shot up. “Uh!”

“Oh god!” Willow said, face white.

Giles removed his glasses, polishing fiercely.

“What?” Anya said, impatiently. “Sex is perfectly natural. You’re all so uptight! Arrgh!” She stomped out of the room.

Everyone was silent.

“Maybe we should just go find Buffy,” Xander finally said, breaking the quiet. Almost on cue, the door opened and Buffy came in. Xander looked at the group and shrugged. “Okay, that was easy.”

“Buffy!” Willow said nervously, clutching her top closed tight. “Where have you been?”

“Patrolling,” Buffy said. “Where else?” She smiled at Willow, who stepped back uncertainly, putting a chair between the two of them. “It’s been a really strange day.”

“So I’ve heard,” Giles said slowly, not sure what to say. He looked her over, taking in her short white top and khaki pants. “She looks normal to me. Buffy, how are you feeling? Is everything alright? Something you need to talk about perhaps?” he added meaningfully, making Buffy frown.

“Uhh...noooo, I’m fine, but there have been some really stupid weird things happening,” she answered carefully.

“Ah ha! See?” Willow looked triumphant.

“See what?” Xander asked. “She’s just fine. Nothing wrong there.”

Buffy looked back and forth at her friends. “She’s right here, and her ears are working. She can hear everything you’re saying.” She crossed her arms and stared at the group. They shifted uncomfortably.

Anya came back into the living room. “Oh Buffy. You’re here.” Buffy nodded at her and she smiled soothingly. “I think your new lifestyle choice is perfectly okay. In fact, I’m more than comfortable with it. Congratulations!” She walked over to her, ignoring the confused look on her face and hugged her.

“New lifestyle choice?” Buffy mouthed over Anya’s shoulder at Willow, who shook her head a few times, flustered.

“Anya, I-” Buffy was cut of by a Anya’s warm, slightly moist lips pressed up against her own. “Mmmrrffff...”

“Oh god,” Xander breathed, watching Buffy and Anya. He swallowed hard as Anya pulled back, licking at Buffy’s lips slightly as she went. “Oh...god.”

“Oh god!” Buffy cried, a hand over her mouth. “Why? What?” She turned to Giles beseechingly, shoving Anya away with one hand.

“Hey!” Anya pouted at her and sat down next to Xander, annoyed that her overtones of friendship had been rejected. Xander panted slightly, eyes glazed as he looked at her and she suddenly didn’t care about what Buffy did. “Wanna...?” She whispered, nudging her head towards the washroom and smiling suggestively. Xander groaned under his breath, debating. His hormones won and he started to pull her out of the room quietly. This wouldn’t take long.

“Okay, seriously, what is going on?” Buffy took a few steps back in case someone else decided to make with the frenching. She didn’t think she could live if Giles tried it, spell or no spell. “Hey. Wait. Kissing. Weirdness. Spell...” She looked at Willow who was now hugging a pillow across her chest defensively, alternating scared glances between the slowly retreating Anya and the irate Buffy. “You did a spell!”

Willow dropped the pillow in a panic. “No! Buffy, I swear I didn’t!”

Buffy opened her mouth to argue, but was interrupted by the sound of sirens. Followed by the sounds of fire engines. And screaming. Also, a dog barked.

“What the?” Giles opened the front door as another police car raced past. He turned back, concerned. “Something’s happened.”

“We’d better go see,” Buffy said, marching towards the door. Willow and Giles followed her as she turned to the group. “Something’s happening, and it seems it’s spread to the town, and...” she paused, frowning. “Where’s Anya and Xander?”

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