DISCLAIMERS: The other night Joss takes me to a fancy restaurant, see? And I’m all dolled-up and stuff, cause I’m expecting him to pop ‘the Question’, so I’ve got on my slinky black dress and lacy thong-action happening. Joss takes my hand and I smile. “We have to talk.” He says. I smile. “You keep calling me Joss.” He says. I smile and nod happily. “See, thing is, my name is Fred. I keep telling you this...” I smile, breathless with excitement. “I don’t want you to call me anymore. We’re over. Oh, and I think you need some serious help.” I throw my arms around him ecstatically, crying, “Yes! Yes, Joss yes, a thousand times yes, I’ll be your wife!” Wow, are we ever happy!
THANKS: Thanks, y’all are the bestest. It makes me so happy to hear that you like this crazy little bot story. Long live the Bot, and long live the Bub!
DEEDLE-BONG!: What’s going on now? Well, let’s see. Buffy decided the entire town was nuts. The Scoobies wondered the same thing about her. Spike and the Bot had a little chat. Spike grinned evilly. The Scoobies heard chaotic noises. Xander and Anya did it in Giles’ bathroom. That place gets more action than a wharf-whore when shore leave rolls in. Warren still hasn’t gotten laid.
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Downtown Sunnydale had seen better days. Or nights, in this instance. Then again, it had seen worse. On a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest and ten the highest, this rated about a seven on the crap-fest level. Not too bad, but plenty bad enough. As it was, storefronts were smashed, signs battered, doors in pieces. One place was in flames and firemen were running about, busily putting out the fire. People ran around, looting heavily, not caring about that, ‘You shouldn’t steal from your own neighborhood, dumbass’ rule. Someone threw a mailbox into the window of the florist shop and the crowd cheered wildly, swarming in to run out with armfuls of roses and carnations.
“Idiots.” Spike stood to one side, watching the show.
“Shall I smash some more too?” Buffybot asked, standing beside him. Spike shook his head.
“Soon luv.”
They stood near the bushes silently, and soon enough a car pulled up, full of Scoobies. “Well! Now this is fun!” Spike said, watching them spill from Giles’ vehicle, mouths open as they took in the scene.
“What’s going on?” Xander gaped a little, watching as a large man walked by, a new TV. on his back.
“It’s a riot Xander,” Anya answered, matter-of-factly. “People are stealing en mass and destroying property. It’s about money. It’s always about the money.” She looked thoughtful for a moment.
Buffy threw her shoulders back determinedly. “Well, it stops now,” she said and marched her way into the crowd, ready to stop people from doing anymore damage. A young man stumbled by with, of all things, a bowling ball; about to hurl it through the local Dollar Store and she sighed. Plucking it effortlessly out of his hands, she tossed it, sending it flying down the street.
“Just what were you going to steal anyway?“ Buffy asked, as the guy took off in a panic. “It’s a dollar store!“ She shook her head, forgetting about the bowling ball, which had now smashed into a fire hydrant, knocking the top off. Water burst into the air, spraying everywhere. In the distance, the firefighters could be heard cursing at the sudden fall in water pressure. “Oops.”
“Nice work Buffy,” Anya said, getting a glare from the group as they ran for cover from the icy water. “What? I was just trying to encourage her after her obvious blunder. She needs encouragement, like, ‘go team go!’ I mean, I didn‘t actually think she did a good job. You get that, right?”
“We get it An,” Xander told her, sliding back into Giles’ car, despite the man’s protests about getting the seats wet.
Buffy looked down at her soaking wet clothes, and then at the retreating Scoobies, annoyed and frozen. “Maybe I should just-”
A hand clamped down on her shoulder and she reached for it automatically, ready to flip the offender over her shoulder. The hand, however, whirled her around easily and she spun, surprised at the strength, finding herself face to face with a slim girl in a long trench coat and dark glasses, her hair tucked under a black knit cap.
“And who might you be?” Buffy asked, taking a fighting stance.
“I’m the Slayer!” the Bot answered.
Buffy laughed, bitter. “Oh, yeah, okay. So been there done that that it’s not even funny.” She sighed, rolling her eyes. “Are you good, or bad? Maybe we should clear this up right away.”
Buffybot smiled happily. “Bad!”
“Figures,” Buffy muttered, and punched her in the face, snapping the Bot’s head back sharply. “Well, let’s get this over with, shall we?”
The Bot followed with a punch of her own and grabbed Buffy’s arms, tossing her to the ground with a splash. “Ha! You’re all wet. Take that!”
Buffy jumped up, tossing her wet hair off her face, laying a kick to the Bot’s side and making her stumble. “We’re both wet you lack-wit.” They grappled, stumbling around. The Bot twisted in Buffy’s grasp, lifting her up over her head easily.
“I don’t like you!” Buffybot announced. She heaved and threw Buffy, sending her smashing through the nearby, second-hand store ‘Fashion Trendz!’ display window with a crash, sending glass spraying. Jumping in after her, she paused, seeing a smart leather skirt and belt combo. “Oooh, funky!” Buffybot bent to pick it up and hold it against her in contemplation, but was felled by a well-placed mannequin to the head, knocking her back onto the pavement. Buffy leapt through the ruined window on top of her.
“Just goes to show what you know,” Buffy panted, trying to get her arms free to punch. “That outfit was waaay too 80’s to be cool. Plus, with those hips you‘d never get into it.” The Bot gave a shove, sending Buffy flying off her and skidding across the large pool of water that had formed. She slammed into a lamppost, cracking her head sharply on it, and saw stars.
“You’re evil! I fight evil,” the Bot said simply, coming over and yanking her up. Buffy shook her head, trying to focus as the Bot dragged her around. “You must be stopped. You must-” She paused abruptly, a surprised look on her face. Buffy blinked and Giles was standing in the distance, crossbow in his hands. The others were with him, holding weapons, ready to attack. The Bot dropped Buffy with a splash and reached around, yanking the arrow out of her shoulder. “Hey! You shot me, you big dumb jerks!”
Buffy flipped up and gave her a vicious roundhouse, shattering her glasses and sending the Bot to the cement. “You’re the big dumb jerk!” She retaliated.
The Bot looked up at her, face exposed, and Buffy gasped in shock. “Nice move! I have to go now. Have a nice day!” She scrambled up and ran off across the street and into the bushes, disappearing quickly. Buffy watched her go, too astonished to give chase.
“Buffy!” Willow called, running over, stake in hand. She didn’t answer, still staring into the distance. “Buffy, are you okay?”
Buffy nodded silently.
“That was a strong vampire. She kicked your ass,” Anya said, getting yet another look from the group.
“That wasn’t a vampire,” Buffy muttered.
“Who was it then?” Xander asked. Buffy finally turned and looked at her friends, confusion all over her face.
“Me.”
The group stared at her, water running over them in droves, not blinking. “Huh?” Xander said, finally.
“Well put.” Giles stepped in, ready to take charge. “What do you mean Buffy?”
Buffy wiped the water off her face. “I mean, she was me. She looked just. Like. Me. I mean, exactly like me. Not a wee bit, not in a, ‘hey, that girl kinda reminds me of you’ way, but, me. To the last detail. And she said she was the Slayer.”
Willow turned to Anya. “It was you all along, wasn’t it!” she said, accusingly. “You did another spell to get your pendant back, and brought some kind of pseudo-Buffy here in the process!”
“I didn’t!” Anya said, looking quite offended. “And you’re one to talk, little Miss Spell-Gone-Wrong!” She gave Willow a slight shove with her last word in emphasis.
“Hey!” Willow said, angry. “Don’t shove me!” She pushed back, sending Anya stumbling slightly.
“Now, girls...”Giles said, worried.
“She started it!” Anya answered, pouty, and gave Willow another thrust with her fingertips.
“Ow! That one hurt! Giles!” Willow said, looking at the Watcher. She reached out and poked Anya back, making the ex-demon stumble a bit.
“Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to my general height with you,” Anya said firmly, and grabbed Willow, pushing her to the ground, hard. Willow grabbed at Anya as she went down and Anya’s shirt tore, revealing her black lacey bra and heaving chest. Anya gasped, looking at the damage. “You! You...you...that cost a lot of money!” She jumped on top of Willow and ripped her shirt right off in retaliation, throwing it away angrily. Willow shrieked and tried to cover franticly, breasts peeking out the top of her white cotton bra, pink nipples prominent against the wet material. Anya threw herself on top of her, shouting about the exchanges of goods and services, and how Willow was obviously a communist pig.
“Oh good lord.” Giles turned away, mortified at the sight.
“Uh...” Buffy said, completely at a loss on how to handle this.
Giles looked at Xander. “Do something.” He demanded, his Englishness making it impossible to function in the current situation.
“Anya...Willow...“ Xander took a step forward, torn between concern for his best friend and girlfriend, and being incredibly turned on by the sight of two gorgeous, half-dressed girls wrestling in the water. They ignored him, rolling around and screeching. He shrugged. “Well, I tried.”
Giles resisted the urge to smack Xander and instead gave Buffy a beseeching look, making her sigh.
“Okay, okay.” She sloshed over to the rolling tangle of wet, shiny limbs and paused, not really sure where to grab. Closing her eyes, she reached in blindly, pulling out Willow, who was looking as mad and miserable as a wet kitten.
“Xander!” Anya stood up, sporting a large, bright red scratch on her cheek. “Make Willow apologize.”
Willow gasped, trying to wipe at her bloody nose and hide her front at the same time. “Me?“ she demanded. Giles quickly handed her his blazer and she gratefully slipped it on. “You’re the one who started it.”
Anya stomped her foot, making her breasts jiggle enticingly, sending a splash over Willow’s legs. “You started it, with a slanderous remark against me. Slanderous and untrue, and, and...and I could sue you.” She pointed at Willow, glaring at her through the downpour. “For slander.”
Xander gulped and reached over, trying to pull her ruined top closed to hide the evidence of just how very cold the water was.
“Go ahead!” Willow said, smug now. “I’m Jewish!” The group looked at her and she raised her chin a notch. “Well...I’m sorry, but I’m a little upset right here. So I made a bit of a racial comment. Big deal, I’m entitled to a moment every now and then.”
“All right, I think we’re all a little over-stimulated...” Giles said. He looked over at a glazed-eyed Xander and winced at his choice of words. “I think we should all go and get some rest. We’ll meet up tomorrow morning to talk further about this other Slayer.” He looked around. “Where’s Buffy gone to now?”
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“What a bunch of nimrods.” Spike shook his head, watching the scene from the woods. “I can’t believe-Oh! Cat fight!” He grinned, enjoying the show. "Mmmm, those girls are bad," he chuckled, leaning forward a bit to get a better view, but was suddenly yanked back by the scruff of his coat. “Hey!”
“Spike. I should have known it was you,” Buffy said coldly, arms crossed. She glared at him, hair still dripping icy water on the ground.
Spike scoffed, looking innocent. “Why am I always to blame? I was just out for a lovely evening stroll. Minding my own business, I was. I don’t know what you’re talking about. “ Buffy pointed to the riot behind him. “Oh. That.” He shrugged. “Well, you can’t blame a fellow for coming out to watch the festivities. A person has to get a spot of violence in somehow, even if it is vicariously.”
Buffy shook her head. “You’re pathetic.”
Spike snarled and lunged at her, getting a bolt of white-hot pain for his trouble. He buckled, holding his head and groaning miserably. Finally the pain cleared enough for him to look up at her, eyes narrow. “You’d better watch yourself Slayer. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”
“Well, if you’re talking about scaring me by clutching at your head and yelling ‘ow ow!’ you’ve succeeded. Oooh! Very scary,” she scoffed. “I’m terrified.”
“God I hate you so much,” Spike muttered, looking at her. His eyes traveled over her body, taking in the way everything clung in all the right places, how her nipples stood out against the wet fabric of her shirt. They lingered, making Buffy shuffle uncomfortably. “Hate you,” he said, face softening. His body relaxed as he stared at her and he slowly got to his feet. Buffy watched him; unable to move from the melting look he was giving her. One hand reached out and he traced her outline, traveling down. “Hate....you...” he whispered, one finger paused over by her nipple, touch feather light. Buffy was panting now, frozen. All she had to do was take deep breath he’d be touching her.
“Spike...” Buffy whispered. They stared at each other. “You’re trembling.”
“So are you,” Spike whispered back.
“I’m cold,” she said, but it lacked conviction.
Spike’s head lowered and his lips brushed against hers, softly, making her gasp a bit in surprise. She didn’t pull away like Spike expected; instead she leaned in with a little moan. “Buffy,” he muttered against her mouth, reaching to pull her close.
Buffy felt his hands on her shoulders and she broke away in a panic, shoving him back. He stumbled, surprised.
“Stop doing that!” Buffy gasped, staring at him.
Spike straightened. “Because you like it too much,” he said, smug. She glared.
“Shut up Spike.” She crossed her arms and sighed. “I liked it better when you were trying to kill me.”
“Well, it is called ‘The Little Death’...”
She punched him and he went down into the grass. “I’m leaving,” she announced, stomping off.
“Buffy-” he called after her, still down on the ground. She paused, not turning around and he felt that familiar irritation rise again, along with that other, also familiar rising. “Fine. Go back to your Scoobies. Looks like Harris was about to spill in his pants back there, better get him home.” He smirked as she whirled around, disgusted. “Not my fault the kid’s a wanker.”
“Shut your mouth Spike,” Buffy spat, face pink and flushed.
“Shut it for me, Slayer,” Spike drawled, leaning back against the earth, arms behind his head, looking entirely too comfortable and relaxed for Buffy’s liking. Oh, she’d put him in his place, and good.
“I’m going to see Riley,” she blurted, pleased as Spike’s head shot up, startled. Pleased by the reaction, she continued. “I think I have a kink in my neck...” She stretched sinuously, watching Spike watch her hungrily. “...And well, Riley, he gives such nice full. Body. Massages.”
Spike’s face hardened as she smiled and took off through the bushes to her friends and the waiting car. He watched as she ran, his body frozen with anger, jaw rigid. Play that game, would she? Well, he’d show her. He wasn’t some little frat boy to be led about by the nose, oh no, he was dangerous, and she’d be good to learn that.
“That girl looks just like me.”
Spike didn’t look away from the street as Giles drove off. “Yes pet, she certainly does.”
“Can we go back to your crypt now? I can do the splits you know.”
Spike stood up slowly and looked at Buffybot. “No. We need to go see someone. There’s something I need you to do, sweetheart.”
Buffybot smiled, slipping her hand into his. “Yes Spike.”
DISCLAIMER: It’s a fine line between love and hate. I walk it every day. *pets her Joss doll lovingly* Just when I think I’m going to give Joss up, he sends me the nicest love letter. *reads* ‘Dear mr. monkeybottoms, I swear to fucking Christ, if you don’t stop with the constant stalking I WILL have you shot by my bodyguards. Consider this fair warning. Signed, Joss W.’ Isn’t that sweet? I mean, did you read between the lines? He swears, and he will. Those are wedding vows! God I love that sexy love muffin of hottyness!
THANKS Y’ALL: For reading this, I give you all big-o hugs-o.
THE PREVIOUSLIES: Spike had a plan. An evil plan. A plan of evil. The gang found a riot. Buffy broke the fire hydrant. The Bot kicked Buffy’s ass all over the place. Spike watched and smirked. Giles saved Buffy and the Bot ran off. Anya and Willow hissed and spat like furious kitties and tore each others tops while wrestling in the water. Xander got excited. Giles said, ‘Oh my lord’, or something like that. Buffy saw Spike in the bushes and accused him of being responsible for the riot. Spike kissed Buffy. All soft like. Aww! Buffy got mad and took off, after teasing Spike about Riley. Spike came up with another use for the Bot. What is it? Well, tune in now to find out, sucker! I pity the fool who doesn’t read chapter 9!
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Riley almost didn’t notice the couple as he walked by, too busy thinking and brooding, head down as he went. He would have walked right by them if the small moan hadn’t drifted over to him, the feminine voice carried over by the summer breeze. He glanced over, seeing the small arms wrapped around the man’s back, clutching and grabbing at the leather coat as they kissed. Necked really. It was shameful the way those two were going at it, and in the middle of campus too. Granted, it was late at night, but didn’t people have morals anymore? The couple shifted as he came closer, faces exposed, and Riley froze, watching the blonde man practically shove his tongue down the throat of the girl he loved. The girl who’d dumped him so abruptly just a few hours ago in the coffee shop. His stomach clenched as Buffy sighed and whispered the man’s name, not noticing as the man slid his eyes slyly over to him, watching his reaction.
“Buffy-” he choked, unable to say anything else. Buffy stopped kissing the guy and turned to him, eyes wide.
“Riley,” she said, frowning. “What do you want? I’m busy. Kissing Spike. He’s got a long leather coat you know.” She stroked Spike’s arm. He grinned at Riley, giving him a little wink.
Riley swallowed hard, determined to stay calm and rational. His military training slipped in, making his face expressionless. “Buffy.” He nodded coolly. “Just on my way to the dorm.”
“Oh well, don’t let us keep you then mate.”
Riley watched Spike as his hand slid up Buffy’s waist to casually cup at her breast, fingers pinching her nipple gently. Buffy didn’t seem one bit embarrassed by the fondling, instead of pushing him away like Riley hoped she leaned against him, sighing deeply.
“Oh Spike!” she breathed, and Riley felt his heart twist.
“Alright. Goodbye then. I hope you and...” He paused, giving Spike the once-over, eyes narrowing when Spike blew him a little kiss. “Spike here have a happy life together.” He turned to leave.
And looked directly into the furious, and mortified eyes of Buffy.
“Oh shit,” Spike said.
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Buffy thought she may die from the eight million different emotions running through her as she watched Spike mack with her Evil Twin. Of course, there was the customary disgust that always came with seeing Spike, followed by the outrage that he was trying to screw things up with Riley and her. The distress at seeing how hurt Riley was came next, with guilt sweeping in at the idea that it was her fault Riley was upset. Fury was the next emotion, fury that Spike was kissing her, kissing and-oh god-grabbing her! Damn pervert! And, way down, deep, deep down in the not-to-be-acknowledged file, was the tiny twinge of jealousy at seeing Spike’s lips on another girl. It sat really far down, and was squashed ruthlessly when it tried to wiggle it’s way to the surface.
Spike looked up to smile mockingly at Riley, and their eyes met. Spike’s widened.
“You!” Buffy snapped, pointing at Spike, who immediately let go of the breast he was clutching. “You are so dusted!” She grabbed at her stake and Spike held his hands out in submission.
“Now Slayer...” He stopped abruptly as she threw the stake at his heart, ducking out of the way. “Now now. There’s no need to get testy. Just a little bit of fun is all.”
“Fun?” Buffy snapped. “Fun?! I’ll fun you alright...”
Spike cocked an eyebrow. “You promise?”
“Shut up Spike, just...shut. Up.” She glared at him, trying to decide the most painful way to kill his smirking ass, followed by a round of major kicking of the skanky Buffy’s ass.
Riley stepped forward, forehead wrinkled in confusion. “Buffy...” Both Buffy and Buffybot looked at him and he blinked. “Why are there two of you?”
“I’m Buffy!” The Bot smiled at him, “And I don’t like you! I like Spike. He’s better in bed than you, and his cock-”
“Pet, “ Spike interrupted nervously, “Let’s not do this now, hmmm?”
Buffy’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my god. You’re using her to break us up? What kind of lame villain are you?”
“Spike’s the baddest villain there is! You can’t get badder than Spike, or sexier,” Buffybot trilled happily. “He’s William the Bloody! He's the Scourge of Europe too. He painted a tapestry of death and terror all across the world and..."
Buffy put a hand to the throbbing vein in her head and sighed. “Shut up you idiot. I swear, she makes Harmony look like a rocket scientist. Did you tell her all that?" ”
Spike looked around. “Uh...”
The Bot shut her mouth and smiled at Buffy.
Buffy went to Riley. “Riley, I’m Buffy. That...that’s some sort of anti-Slayer.” She took his hand in hers and looked at him, worried. “You can tell the difference, right?”
Riley looked nervous. “Buffy, you both look exactly the same.” He peered at the both of them, Buffy clutching his hand tightly, and the Bot, grinning silently, and shook his head. “I’m sorry.”
“Hell, I bet he wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference even if she climbed into bed with him. Would you Riley?” Spike asked. Buffy looked stricken, and Spike smiled. “Hell, your friends couldn’t tell, so why should lover boy be able to?”
Buffy felt the words fall on her like a ton of bricks. Riley was supposed to know her best, and yet he’d had no idea it wasn’t her. He still couldn’t tell them apart even while looking at the two of them together. What did that say about their relationship? Did no one truly know her? She glanced at Spike and his smile faded at the look on her face.
“Buffy-”
She turned away from him, wiping at her cheeks quickly and he suddenly felt the fun go out of the game. There was an uncomfortable silence. The Bot smiled widely.
“Maybe we should talk...” Riley said finally, uncertain. He put his arm on Buffy’s shoulder and she nodded, still looking down. “Should I kill Spike for you?” he asked soothingly.
“Just bloody try it,” Spike said menacingly.
“Oh, and who’s gonna stop me, your Twin Slayer?” Riley asked, turning to pick up the stake Buffy had thrown. It was kicked out of his hand before he’d even straightened, followed by a punch in the belly. Riley staggered, retaliating with an uppercut of his own. He looked up and gasped. “Oh god! Buffy, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know it was you-”
“I’m right here.” Buffy stood to the side, arms crossed. She pointed to the Bot. “That’s not me. God, we aren’t even wearing the same outfit!” Her face twisted again and she took off, ignoring Riley as he called after her.
“Buffy, wait...” Riley sighed, watching her go, her shoulders slumped.
“You shouldn’t hit Spike!” Buffybot said, looking scandalized. “I had to smack you!”
Riley turned to Spike, furious, but was immediately blocked by the Bot. Spike smirked and shrugged as Riley glared at him.
“What can I say mate? She’s my protector. Kinda evens things out for us, wouldn’t you say?”
The Bot beamed at Spike and he stroked her long hair, eyes never leaving Riley’s. They stood like that until, finally, Riley turned and stormed off into his dorm, slamming the door behind him hard enough to break the frame. Buffybot gasped.
“Destruction of personal property!” She looked at Spike who was gazing off in the direction Buffy had gone. “He’s evil!” She snuggled up against his body, petting his side slowly. “Shall we go back to your crypt and have sex now?”
“Hmmm....?” Spike murmured absently. “Oh, sure, you go on, I’ll meet up with you later.”
“Yes Spike.” The Bot took his face in her hands, planting a deep kiss on his lips. He pulled away, looking uncomfortable. “Hurry back, I’ll be naked!”
“Will do,” Spike answered automatically, obviously thinking of something else. He nodded as she stopped and waved right before she disappeared around a building, then immediately took off in the direction Buffy had gone.
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She wasn’t pouting. Buffy sat on a gravestone, and sucked her lower lip in. No, this wasn’t pouting and feeling sorry for oneself because ones friends and boyfriend didn’t know the difference between her and someone who just happened to look and sound just like her. This was...contemplating. Yes, thinking about life...and...and, all it’s little twists. And turns. And...oh, who was she kidding. Her lip came back out with a huff. Stupid Riley, not being able to tell the difference. The others could be forgive-barely, seeing as how she’d never gotten naked with any of them but Riley? The guy who was supposed to love her more than life itself. You’d think he’d know her immediately.
Buffy sighed. “What do you want?”
Spike slid out from behind the tree, wearing his best nonchalant face, arms behind his back. “What? Can’t a person take a stroll? I do live in the graveyard you know.”
“Yes, but not this one.” Buffy pushed a strand of hair from her face and turned to look at him. “Is that...are those flowers?” she asked incredulously.
“What? Oh, these.” Spike pulled out the bouquet of half-wilted carnations, the ribbon, In Deepest Sympathy, trailing on the grass. “Um, just thought...er..you might...” His feet shuffled.
Buffy sat there, watching him. “You...you aren’t...” She trailed off, not sure how to put it. “Those aren’t for me are they?” she blurted, not sure if she should laugh or cry at the thought of Spike being...not-Spike.
The flowers were flung into a nearby bush. “Whatever Slayer. As if I’d ever give you flowers.” He looked at her, and something flickered across his face, so quickly it was gone before Buffy was even sure she’d seen it.
“I’m going home.” Buffy hopped off the tombstone, trying not to look at the flowers. As if she cared! “Tomorrow I’m coming to your crypt, and you’re going to give me answers.”
“I’ll give you anything you want.” It was said with the proper amount of innuendo and was awarded with the customary rolling of the eyes. Both parties felt a bit better.
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“Die! Die, you undead blood sucker!”
The vampire paused for a split second, just enough for Buffybot to get the stake up from her belt and plunged into its heart. It dusted quickly.
Buffybot brushed off her shoulders, pleased. Another vampire gone meant one less evil demon for her to kill and more time to pleasure Spike. She tucked the stake away again and continued onto the crypt, humming a jaunty tune as she went, scanning the dark for more potential wickedness.
“Finally.”
The Bot stopped and smiled. “Well hi there! If you were a vampire I’d have staked you by now. Since you’re not, I won’t.”
“Yeah, good.” Warren looked around nervously. He’d finally gotten his robot alone. “Come on, we have to hurry.”
“Hurry? You‘re right, we can‘t keep Spike waiting,” Buffybot asked, blinking.
Warren shook his head, eyes wide in the dim light. “No Buffy, I mean we have to get back to the basement, where you belong.”
“I belong with Spike.” Buffybot took a step back, evading the hand that reached out for her. It was empty in the basement. How would she protect the innocent in the basement? There weren’t any horrible beings for her to kill, and no Spike for her to give sexual bliss to. She didn’t want to go back there.
“Come on!” Warren grabbed for her again, impatient now. He’d been tracking her for ages now, finally finding her alone, and he wanted to get her back. All that work, and he still hadn’t gotten any. It was driving him crazy. He snatched at the front of her filmy top and the delicate material tore, exposing skin, and lots of it. His eyes widened.
Buffybot seize the front of his shirt and he panted in anticipation, leaning in to kiss her. All at once he was being lifted up, arms and legs flailing helplessly. “No one but Spike is allowed to touch me like that!” Buffybot declared, scandalized. “And I don’t want to go back to the basement!” She heaved, and he was flying through the air, landing heavily in the grass with a thud, the wind knocked out of him.
“So there!” she said.
DISCLAIMERS: So, I was at the supermarket, picking up some beets, when I feel these eyes on my back. Staring. I turn around and it's Joss, all stalking me and shit. He sees me see him and gets all flustered-like, whipping his dark glasses back up and hunching his shoulders. Cause, you know, I wouldn't recognize him once the clever disguise was back on. "What are you doing here?" I ask him, annoyed. Joss panics, "Oh. Just here to get some...uh..." He grabs the first thing within reach, holding it out to me. "Feminine yeast infection cream?" I ask, reading the box. "Men can get itchy too you know." He says. "You know, The itch? Huh? Itch? An itch I'd like to scratch? Know what I'm trying to say here monkeybottoms? Huh???" He smiles lewdly and I belt him with my beets. Freak.
THANKS: Thanks for reading this, you hot hunk of fanfiction reader you. And sorry about the long time between updates, my stupid computer ate 4 pages if this chapter, so I had to start all over again. *sniffle* I was able to get the disclaimers and previouslies back from an archive. Huh.
LAST TIME ON THE WACKY ADVENTURES YADDA YADDA...: Spike necked with Botty to make Riley jealous. Buffy found them and was mad. Riley was confused. Buffy was sad. Spike was glad, and then sad. The Bot is always happy, so that's all good. Spike felt bad and kinda gave Buffy flowers. Except that he didn't. Warren found his robot and felt sexually frustrated. The Bot tossed Warren when he tried to shove her back into his basement of kinky lust. So there! Nobody puts Botty in the basement.
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What if they’re in there having sex?
The thought made Buffy freeze. Usually she would just smash the door open against the wall with a pleasing loud bang. It never failed to make her smile. Now, however, instead of her boot hitting the door, she was frozen with one leg in the air, in mid-kick, terrified of what may be inside.
“This is ridiculous,” she said firmly, still balancing. “Is not like Spike is inside doing unmentionable things to me. Well, not me, the other me. The Non-me. And I’m talking to myself out loud.” She put her foot down and sighed. “This sucks.”
If he’s naked, I’ll dust him. The thought made her feel better immediately, and she drew her foot back again and let it fly, hitting the door so hard it bounced off the wall with a loud crash. She swallowed and threw her shoulders back a bit.
The place was quiet and a little dark still, despite the late-afternoon sunlight streaming in from the open door. Spike was sitting in his crappy chair, watching his crappy TV, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge her presence, eyes fixed in the screen. She sighed and went over to him, hauling him up and against the wall roughly. He smiled nastily, mouth pressed up on the stone.
“Hello Slayer.”
She pushed harder, head cocked for any signs of movement behind her. “Where is she?”
“Sod off.”
“Spike...” Buffy warned, giving his arm a sharp twist behind his back.
“She’s with your boyfriend, giving him the best blow he’s ever had.”
Buffy grabbed a healthy amount of hair and used it as leverage to knock his face sharply against the wall. Spike got the message. “She’s downstairs waiting for me,” he said sullenly, mouth stinging.
“Get her,” Buffy ordered and stepped back.
Spike sent her a glare but went to the entrance to his basement. “Oi, Slayerbot! C’mere!”
“Slayerbot?” Buffy boggled at him. “You call her Slayerbot? What kind of stupid name is that?”
“I call her Slayerbot cause that’s was she is. A robot.” Spike stepped back from the ladder and Buffybot popped her head up through the hole, eyes wide.
“Hey! It’s you.” The Bot smiled at Buffy and waved a bit. Buffy’s mouth dropped.
“She’s a what?”
*****************************************
“She’s a what?”
“A robot.” Buffy shoved Spike down on the couch, tossing the still-smoking blanket into the corner, ignoring the look he sent her way.
“I’m not a robot, I’m Buffy!” Buffybot said, blinking at the group. “I go to Sunnydale University.”
Buffy groaned. “She doesn’t know she’s a robot,” she said tiredly. “Spike says she is, but...well, he’s Spike.”
“And what does that mean exactly?” Spike glared.
“It means you’re a big fat liar.” Buffy turned to Giles, ignoring Spike for the time being. “Can you find out if she is a robot, or a demon or whatever?”
Anya snorted loudly. “Oh, of course. Blame it on the demon. It’s always the demon’s fault!”
“Damn straight,” Spike muttered from the couch. They nodded at each other on mutual respect.
“Shut up Spike,” Buffy ordered. “Giles, what do you think?”
Giles peered at Buffybot closely, eyes squinty. “One would never know she wasn’t alive.”
“And she feels normal,” Xander said, gingerly poking her arm with one finger.
“Thank you!” Buffybot smiled glossily. “Spam spam spam spam, spammity spam! Wonderful spam!”
The room went silent.
“What was that?” Anya asked, frowning. She nodded at Spike. “She’s obviously defective. You should get your money back.”
Xander waved his arms, gesturing wildly. “No! Wait, I know this!” He tapped his head, thinking. “Oh, it’s a code or something...it...it’s on the tip of my tongue...the edge of my brain...”
Giles sighed.
“Oh, for the love of... it’s Monty Python you idiot,” Spike said shaking his head. “Bloody Americans.”
“I knew that,” Giles said, offended at the slur.
“That still makes no sense.” Buffy came closer, ready to subdue the robot if it went crazy and started smashing things. “Why would she say that?”
Spike sighed. “Don’t ask me. She quotes it at the oddest times.” Buffy’s eyes narrowed at him and he grinned, knowing what she was thinking. He gave her a little wink.
“Oh yeah, I remember that one, with the restaurant that serves everything with Spam,” Xander said. “Heh. Vikings.”
“Well, let‘s find out just exactly what she is then.“ Giles looked at Willow, who was standing on the other end of the room. “Willow, come over here already, I need you to check her over. Really now, this is ridiculous.”
Willow stuck her chin out. “That’s easy for you to say. She isn’t kissing you, is she? I’m the one with the smoochie stalker robot problem.” Giles raised his eyebrows and she sighed. “Fine.” She slid along the wall, eyes fixed warily on the Bot.
“Willow!” The Bot said happily, seeing her. “You go to school with me, and you’re my best friend.” She flung her arms around her, squeezing tight. Willow’s eyes went wide, and before anyone could move, the Bot planted a healthy kiss on her lips.
“Oh dear,” Giles murmured.
Willow jumped away, sending Giles an accusing look.
“Why doesn’t she kiss me?” Anya demanded. “I’m pretty too, and my breasts are fuller!”
Spike snorted and Buffy turned and smacked him in the head sharply. “Ow!”
“Ok, this is stupid.” Buffy pointed at Spike, who was rubbing his forehead. “This is your fault. What did you do?”
“Look Slayer, all I know is some Warren bloke made her.” He gave an evil little laugh. “Oh, and she’ll do whatever I tell her.”
“She takes orders from you?” Buffy asked, mortified. Spike shrugged. “Show me,” she demanded. If this robot-thingy actually took orders from Spike they could be in serious trouble.
“Fine,” Spike sighed. “Slayerbot, spin around.” The Bot nodded and started turning quickly in a circle, arms splayed. A hand knocked over the end table lamp, sending it flying into the wall behind Xander, who ducked wildly.
“Stop,” Spike drawled, and she did. “Sing.”
Buffybot opened her mouth. “Miss Suzie had a steamboat! The steamboat had a bell! Miss Suzie went to heaven! The steamboat went to HELLO operator! Please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me, I’ll kick that fat BEHIND the refrigerator! There was a piece of glass! Miss Suzie sat upon it, and cut her big fat a-”
“Please stop,” Giles said dryly.
Spike raised his hand, motioning. The Bot smiled.
“That was awful.” Buffy took her hands away from her ears, relieved.
“Wait!” They all turned to Anya, who looked panicked. “What happened to Miss Suzie? What did she cut?” Xander whispered in her ear and she nodded. “Oh.”
“I wonder if it’s the same Warren we went to school with,” Willow said suddenly. Buffy frowned.
“We went to school with a Warren? He didn’t go all invisible did he, cause that was so not fun. Also, what a coincidence!”
Willow shook her head. “No, no invisible shenanigans. He was in my chemistry class. And in our study hall.”
Xander raised his eyebrows. “We had study hall?”
“We need to find this Warren,” Giles said, giving Xander a disappointed look. “He may be up to other unsavory actions, messing around with who knows what terrible forces. Unleashing hellbeasts from within. Practicing the dark arts...”
“Creating an army of girl robots!” Xander joined in excitedly.
Giles coughed. “Erm, I think he’s up to something more evil than that Xander.”
“If only we knew what,” Willow said, worried.
“Why don’t you ask the robot?”
Everyone turned to look at Anya, who was now sitting on the couch next to Spike, then to the Bot, still standing. The Bot’s smiled brightened even more, if possible.
Giles stood up straight. “I was just about to do that. Um, thank you Anya.” He pulled a chair out for Buffybot, who sat happily.
“Now, erm, Slayerbot-”
“I’m Buffy!” She beamed at him, then frowned. “Sometimes Spike calls me ‘pet’ or ‘honey’. I guess you could call me that.” She perked up again. “Oh! And one time he called me ‘hot little bitch in heat’. It’s a little long, but you could call me that too.”
There was a loud gasp. “I knew it!” Buffy spat, pointing at Spike furiously. “I knew you were up to no good.” She grabbed his hair, roughly hauling him up. Spike yelped in protest as she started to drag him out of the room.
“Stop hurting Spike!” Buffybot gasped, smile gone. She jumped up, knocking her chair over with a clatter. “Stop it, other Buffy!”
Buffy twisted her hand harder, making Spike wince. “Tell her to back off.”
“It’s fine pet.” Spike waved his hand in her general direction, unable to move his head at all. Instead he stared at Buffy’s feet. Sexy boots. Sexy little sparkplug that Slayer was- “Ow!” He was pulled forward. “Just, stay there Slayerbot,” he called as he was dragged helplessly out of the room.
“Buffy was mad,” Anya said in the quiet that followed. She shrugged and sat back down again, promptly bored. A pair of legs came and stood in front of her. She looked up at Willow standing there, arms crossed.
“Your breasts are fuller, but mine are perkier,” Willow whispered, giving her a nod in emphasis. “Take that!” She spun on her heel and marched back to Giles, who was righting the overturned chair for Buffybot, and grabbed her laptop.
Anya pulled her top open and studied herself quietly. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her breasts, and they were just as perky as Willows.
*******************************************
Buffy threw him against the wall and he hit his shoulder hard.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t stake you right now,” Buffy snarled, face close to his.
Spike shrugged, holding up his hand and ticking off his points. “One: The robot listens to me, so you need me. Two: I only slept with her once...well, four times, but it was the same night.”
Buffy blushed angrily.
“Three,” he continued, “I didn’t touch her when I figured out it was you.” She opened her mouth and he spoke louder, “FOUR: I knew it wasn’t you the moment your lips touched mine.”
She shut her mouth with a snap, surprised.
“Five,” he said slowly, walking towards her. She moved, her back hitting the wall behind her. “Five. You want me.”
“As if Spike,” she sneered weakly. He cocked an eyebrow but didn’t bother to answer, instead he leaned in for a kiss. Her hand shot out and he caught it, twisting it and placing her palm firmly on his pants. He thrust and her hand squeezed his cock, making the both of them groan.
“You want me,” he whispered. “And- god!” he gasped as Buffy rubbed harder, “God, I want you.”
Buffy opened her mouth and the next thing she knew, Spike‘s mouth was on hers, and it was damn good too. She wrapped her hand in his hair again, this time pulling him closer, kissing him back fiercely. Her other hand clutched hard, making him shudder. She smiled a bit, enjoying the power over him, and moved her hand, fingers finding him peeking out the top of his jeans. She circled his head and he shook. She pinched hard and he gasped into her mouth.
“You like that?” she whispered, and he nodded, resting his head in her neck. Who would have know that the Big Bad liked to be dominated? Not to mention the fact that she was really turned on by the idea. She pinched harder.
Spike trembled and kissed her again, trying to regain the control he’d had when this whole thing had started. He was the aggressor dammit! He was the one who’d started all this! And he was going to take charge...in a second...
She had her hand in his pants now, and was stroking the entire length roughly, nails scratching. She jerked her hand up and down, wringing more groans from him, smiling at the pleasure on his face. Her palm cupped his balls and he almost came from the sensation. And when she clutched them in her hot little hand, hard enough to make him wince, he did come, gasping, head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut.
Buffy watched him climax, fascinated. His hands were up at his head, nails scraping the plaster, face open and vunerable. He was completely hers. The though made her shiver. His eyes opened slowly and the look in the made her shiver more.
“Your turn,” he said firmly, and Buffy felt a rush between her thighs even as she shook her head. He ignored it, suddenly the aggressor once more. “Come here.”
He grabbed her, pulling her over to the sink, plopping her down on it with a jolt. “I’ve always wanted to eat you Buffy.” Spike whispered, pulling her pants off with a yank. “But this way is so much, much more pleasant.” His hands pushed her thighs apart, thumbs pressing firmly on her lips, easily finding her spot. She arched. “Mmmm, good girl,” he said, and leaned forward, licking at her through her little blue panties. “Oh god you taste-”
“Buffy? Lemme in!”
They both froze, looking at the door.
Xander knocked again. “Buff? C’mon, you can kill Spike later. The little fireman needs to put out the flames!” He paused, reconsidering. “Well...not ‘little’...”
“I’m going to rip that little blighter’s head right off-” Spike stopped at the look in Buffy’s eyes. “Oh. Fine then. ‘Goodness! I sure am pleased that we were interrupted!’” he said in a mock-bright voice.
Buffy jumped up, pushing Spike aside, grabbing for her pants. “Just a second Xander!” she shouted, one leg in, hopping. Spike watched her, still kneeling at the sink, making her that much more flustered. “I just have to hit him a few more times!” she shouted, trying to buy some more time. She caught sight of her face in the mirror and stopped hopping. “Gah!” She smoothed frantically.
“All ready?” Spike asked, standing up slowly. He looked totally normal, face neutral. She nodded. “Off we go then.”
“Spike!” Buffy hissed, and he stopped. “Don’t...I mean, I..uh.”
Spike nodded. “No worries Slayer. I won’t say boo.”
Buffy opened the door to a dancing Xander. “Thanks Buff,” he said. “I drank too many Dr. Pepper’s.”
“Goody for you,” Spike snarled, enjoying fantasy number 14: Punching right through Harris’ ribcage and tearing his heart out with a simple twist. Stupid bugger.
“Ah Buffy. You’re back.” Giles looked up at them, pleased. “Willow’s found Warren’s address.”
Anya nodded. “Yes. And my breasts are perky,” she said, pointedly.
Buffy paused, then decided to ignore that last bit. “Okay. I guess it’s off to Warren’s house. As soon as Xander gets back from the, uh, bathroom, it’s geek-bashing time!”
DISCLAIMERS: I am so breaking up with that Joss guy! I mean, who does he think he is, going off and leaving me for that hussy ‘Firefly’? That show is SUCH a whore too! Screw him. Screw him all to hell.
THANKS: The updates are getting longer and longer...sigh. Life and work and school and yadda yadda. Sorry y’all. Oh, and thanks to Bub. I stole her famous word: 'UNGH'. And I am still waiting for the fic she promised me, in which the entire cast of BTVS say nothing but UNGH for the entire story. HAW!
WHAT’S HAPPENIN’, HOT STUFF?: Well, let’s see. Buffy took Spike and Buffybot to Giles’. Anya has perky breasts. Botty kissed Willow, again, who was more than tired of it. Spike demonstrated his power over the Bot by making her spin and sing. Buffy dragged Spike off to the bathroom to beat on him, but instead gave him a hand-job. How the hell did THAT happen, you ask? Well, hey, Spike is sexy. Anyways, Xander interrupted Buffy’s ‘pleasure moment’ and they went back out to the living room. Willow demonstrated her amazing powers of looking in the phonebook and found Warren’s address. Remember him? Warren? That geeky guy? Built the Bot? Anyone? Well anyways, start thinking hard, cause they are off to his house, and I’m pretty dang sure Buffy is pissed off at someone. I mean hey, she’s the Slayer! I’d be pissed too!
********************************************
“Ignitusan plurabim hockil verdia. Sih defigis e seh defisn.” Warren held the small cup over the pentagram drawn on the floor, face solemn. “Take this offering to thy power. Take this offering of thy power. Take this offering from thy power.”
He tipped the cup, dribbling the blood from it drop by drop on each point of the star. The lines glowed, first white, then a murky, frightening green. Warren stepped back, pleased, and watched as the light grew and expanded, stepping back from any contact. Soon, the light grew white again, becoming brighter and brighter until he couldn’t look into it any longer. He turned his head away, shielding his eyes. There was a terrible crack of noise, then all was silent and dark again.
Warren looked back. The pentagram was gone, and in it’s place stood the eight-foot tall Merexe. He grinned. “Well. Good to see you made it. Now, let’s get on with the killing, shall we? Cause, I’ve got a little problem, and seeing as how I now own you, you’re going to fix it for me.
Merexe looked at the tiny one before him and narrowed one of it’s four eyes. “You called me?” it rasped.
Warren frowned. “I’m sorry?” He tilted his head. “Did you say something? It’s tough to understand you with all the bloody froth gurgling from your...uh, well, I guess that could be called a mouth. Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In your case, eyes.”
Merexe frowned menacingly.
“So, I need you to kill the Slayer for me, and this vampire named Spike. They seem to have my robot, and I need it back. I need it back really, really, badl-UNGH!” He choked as Merexe lifted him by the throat with a bumpy claw.
“You called me, puny one?” it hissed again, shaking him like a rag doll. Warren flailed helplessly, collapsing in an untidy heap as the demon suddenly let him go. “You do not control me! Merexe is all-powerful!”
Warren looked up at the beast. “I called you!” he yelled. “I own you! I did the offerings! The ovary of an unborn female child, the finger from the corpse of the dammed! The day-old bagel from the cursed baker! The-”
“You did not offer me thy blood!” Merexe roared. Warren paused.
“Welll...technically, no.” He smiled sheepishly. “Not MY blood per say. The blood of the Red Cross. See, my own blood makes me faint. It always has, since I was a kid and my tooth fell out and I saw all this blood on it...rather traumatic, when you’re only five, and my Mom, she said...”
“Silence!” The demon swiped a long arm and Warren’s desk was suddenly cleared in a noisy clatter. “Shut up, little one! No blood, no power!”
Warren scuttled over to the corner, thinking quickly. “We can work it out! Make a deal, the two of us!” Merexe ignored him, coming closer. Warren panicked. “You can take my Mom!”
Merexe paused. “I will take thy mother.” It said slowly, spraying Warren with pink bubbly liquid as it talked.
Warren wilted in relief.
“I WILL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU!” Merexe screamed, and swooped down.
**********************************
“I don’t see why we all had to go,” Anya complained, following the gang up the sidewalk. “I mean, it’s just one little geek. How hard will it be to stop a geek? What’s he going to do, type madly on his computer at us? He IS a geek after all.”
Willow stopped suddenly and turned around. “I take offence to the word ‘geek’. I think you should use something more politically correct.”
Anya raised her eyebrows. “Oh? And what would you like me to use? ‘Coolness-challenged’? ‘Fashionly-disabled’?”
Xander gave a short laugh, stopping at Willow’s look. “Just call him Warren, okay An?”
“Thank you Xander,” Willow said, smiling.
“Thaaaya Xaaaya,” Anya mimicked under her breath, feeling stung by her boyfriends defection.
“I heard that!” Willow hissed, turning back.
“Shhh!” Buffy whispered, standing at the bottom of the front steps. “Be quiet, we don’t want anyone hearing-”
The porch light flipped on and they froze, weapons in hand.
The front door opened and, as one, the weapons disappeared behind their backs. A tidy-looking woman with fluffy hair poked her head out, looking surprised at the amount of people in front of her house. “Oh!” Warren’s mom smiled tentatively. “Can I help you?”
No one moved.
“Oh, for the...” Spike rolled his eyes at the frozen Scoobies and stepped forward a bit. “Is Warren home?”
Warren’s mom smiled. “Warren? Oh of course he is. Are you friends of his?”
They all looked at each other.
“Yes!” Anya piped up.
“How wonderful!” Warren’s mom smiled, relieved that her son finally had a social life.
“I’m his girlfriend!” Anya blurted out, warming to her role. She pointed to Xander in contempt. “I used to go out with him, but once I met Warren, well, it was all over for us. Warren’s a real man.”
“Hey!” Xander looked at Anya, upset.
Warren’s mom looked at the group, taking in the upset-looking young man (thrilled that her son had gotten such a pretty girl from that attractive boy), to the older gentleman (a little old to be hanging out with such a young crowd. Maybe he was a chaperone), to the incredibly handsome blonde man (she swallowed a bit) and finally at the four girls.
“Are you twins?” she asked, nodding at Buffy and the Bot. Buffy looked mortified.
“Bloody right they are.” Spike grinned, getting a dirty look from the Slayer.
Warren’s mom blinked a bit. “Why is she holding an axe?”
The Scoobies looked at the Bot, standing at the steps, heavy battleaxe still in plain view, smiling brightly.
“She’s a fireman. Firewoman. Person. A fireperson,” Buffy said, wide-eyed. “She fights fires.”
“Never leaves home without it.” Spike patted the Bot on the back heartily. “Our little rescue ranger!”
“Thank you Spike!” The Bot gave him a loving glance.
“That’s nice.” Warren’s mom said, mesmerized by Spike’s accent. He noticed and stood up straighter.
“So, what’s a lovely young woman like yourself doing home on a beautiful night like tonight?” He came up the steps, a slight smile playing across his lips. “I imagine some dandy’s swept you off your feet. Or maybe Mr. Warren has chased them all away?”
Warren’s mom patted her hair, flustered. “Oh, there’s no Mr. Warren here,” she stammered, blushing. Spike titled his head, eyes giving her the once-over, lingering on her modest blouse.
“Mmmm...how convenient.” Spike leaned against the doorframe, eyes not leaving hers.
Buffy crossed her arms, watching the display. “So,” she said loudly. “About Warren...”
“I love that material,” Spike drawled, ignoring Buffy. “It looks soft.” His voice dropped down to a whisper. “But not as soft as your skin I imagine.”
“Oh my!” Warren’s mother stroked her shirt, giving Spike a shy smile. “Such a flirt!” They laughed together, Spike turning his head and grinning at Buffy over his shoulder, enjoying her furious expression. “Oh! How rude of me!” Warren’s mom stepped back, motioning with her hand. “Please, come in.”
Spike stepped over the threshold, sending a smirk at the others. “Why, thank you...I’m sorry, I don’t know your name...”
Warren’s mom paused. It had been a while since someone had actually cared. “Lenore.”
Spike paused, almost oozing sexuality. “For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,” he quoted, making her knees weak.
Buffy stomped up the stairs, rudely shoving her way past the lovebirds. “Where’s Warren?” she demanded, moving aside for the others.
“Oh, downstairs. I think he’s playing video games, there’s been a lot of shouting and yelling. He loves his gamebox, my Warren. Never wants me to go down there, says I’d break something-” She was cut off by a piercing scream. “Ah yes, there he goes again.”
Giles looked at the basement door. “Mmm. Perhaps we should go...erm, partake in the ‘video games’?” he suggested, looking at Buffy. She nodded and ran over, throwing the door open. More screams could be heard.
“I’ll make some Kool-Aid.” Warren’s mom shuffled off to the kitchen, humming.
******************************************
“Warren?” Buffy ran down the stairs, stopping suddenly at the sight she found. “Oh wow. Ugly.”
Spike followed, stopping suddenly at the last step. “Bugger.”
“What smells?” Xander asked, face screwed in a twist. He peered over the railing and almost fell the last five steps in shock. “Holy mother of pearl!”
Anya followed Xander, dragging the baseball bat she’d swiped in the hallway behind her. It thumped down each step as she walked. “Hey! I found a great weapon! It’s good for swinging and hitting, causing much pain and humiliation for your opponent, and...oh.” She stopped and waved at the slobbering demon holding the shaking body of Warren. “Hi there Merexe.”
Merexe paused in his threatening of the wee human and turned, taking in the crowd that had gathered at the bottom of the stairs. “Anyanka! Blessed be, it’s been eons! You look not a day over 800!”
Anya shrugged and fiddled with the bat, pleased by the compliment. “Why thank you! And you look great too...” She gestured vaguely at it‘s broken teeth and oozing body.
“Please tell me you don’t know this demon,” Xander said, rather tiredly. He looked over at Merexe, who had turned away again and resumed shaking Warren. “I mean, look at him. He’s all...eyes and Cujo-y. And not in a good way.”
Buffybot peered around Xander. “I need to slay that demon!”
“Whoa back there, you.” Buffy held up a hand and the Bot paused, head tilted. “Just hold on, Anya may have some important information on how to defeat this monster. No need to rush in all willy-nilly now, is there?”
“I think there’s a reason!” Warren yelled, in between shakes. They ignored him.
Giles cleared his throat nervously. “Anya, what can you tell us about this demon? Any weaknesses?”
Anya shook her head. “Oh, defeat Merexe? No, Buffy can’t. He’ll kill her, and then slaughter us as we try to flee in terror. It’s hopeless really.” She poked Xander in the side, voice lowered conspiringly. “If we sneak away now, we can get out before the carnage.”
Willow looked at Giles, wide-eyed.
“Thank you for that, Anya.” Giles nodded towards Buffy. “I think you’d better use extreme caution.”
Buffy looked at him. “You think?”
Giles frowned. “Sarcasm will not help right about now.”
Warren tried to focus on the people gathered in his basement, feeling a bit groggy after all the pummeling. “I thought you helped people!” He pointed unsteadily. “You’re The Slayer! So slay!”
Buffybot looked at Warren, her programming urging her to protect him warring with her reluctance to enter the basement again. “I slay demons,” she whispered as she watched Warren struggle against Merexe. “I have to protect the innocent!”
Buffy turned to Spike, who was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking bored. “How well does she fight?”
Spike straightened. “Not as well as I do.”
They stared at each other. “And I’m supposed to trust you, why?”
“You know damn well why.” Spike’s jaw clenched, annoyed with her.
“That proved nothing.”
“It proved everything!”
“In the way that it didn’t.”
Willow came forward nervously. ”Um, Buffy?” She pointed to Merexe, who had started chanting unintelligibly, a dark glow forming in the other end of the room. “This isn’t looking too great for Warren. I think he’s opening a portal.”
“He’s opening the door to his nest. We’re fodder for his brood.” Anya said, matter-of-factly. “They’ll devour us alive in horrifying pain. Can we go now?”
Xander poked his head between Buffy and Spike, who were still glaring at each other. “I vote we drop the secret code-talk till after the battle. There’s a big nasty oozing nightmare that wants to use me for baby food and, I gotta be honest here, not liking the idea. I‘m not liking the idea of Spike even more, but we need him.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Xander’s right,” Giles said.
Buffy sighed. “Fine. Spike, Giles, the robot and I will go in fighting. Xander and Anya, you try to get Warren and his Mom out of the house before they get taken.” She glanced at Willow, who was watching Merexe’s portal in fascination. "We need that door closed. For good.”
“No problem Buffy.” Willow nodded.
“Okay, let’s g-” Buffy stopped as the Bot ran into the fray, axe swinging. “Show off.”
The fight began.
DISCLAIMERS: So, I’m at McDonald’s with Joss, grabbing a Big Mac meal, supersized, and he turns to me and says, “I need five bucks to cover your order.” I look at him in surprise and say, “You’re making me pay for my own food, and on a date too?” Joss shrugs, “I don’t have enough to cover it. I’m all strapped from getting FIREFLY up and running.” I hand him a fiver and turn away. “Fine. God knows you didn’t spend it on that ‘raising the Satanic Temple’ special effect in the BTVS season finale.” He bursts into tears and I have to spend the next half hour comforting him. God, he is SUCH a baby.
THANKS: I’d say thanks to Joss Whedon for creating all that is BTVS, but he has forsaken us all. So instead I will give thanks to all the fanfic writers out there. Thanks! And thanks be to thee who reads me and thine. Or whatever. I don’t even know what that means.
SUMMARY: Yeah. So, Warren called up Merexe, a nasty, oozy, four-eyed demon (Heh. Hey, four eyes!) to kill off Buffy and Spike so he could get Buffybot back. Too bad for him that he used someone else’s blood and was getting a world of hurt instead. Spike flirted with Warren’s mom to make Buffy jealous. Buffy stomped around. Willow and Anya argued some more. Xander thought about naked girls. Spike thought about me. ‘Oh, mr. monkeybottoms’ he thought, ‘How hot you are as you type! I want to do you so badly that-’ Oh wait, did I just type that out loud? Huh. Anyways, the gang went into the basement and saw Warren, a portal to the evil hungry babies of Merexe, and, of course, Merexe. Anya was the only one with a lick of sense, suggesting that they get the hell outta Dodge. That’s right Anya! You go girl! They really need to listen to her more. Instead, they made a plan and decided to attack. The Bot ran in early, making Buffy annoyed. And so, we continue...
*********************************
“God, she is such a show-off.” Buffy frowned and clutched her sword tighter, ignoring Spike’s grin as they advanced on the demon from behind. “Where does she get off taking the first charge? I mean, look at her outfit! It just screams ‘I’m Not a Leader.’”
Spike gave the Bot a once-over, admiring the way her pants hugged her ass as she fought. “I don’t see anything wrong with it.”
“You wouldn’t,” Buffy huffed.
The Bot hacked at Merexe, missing him by a mere half-inch, and it stumbled back a bit, almost bumping into the two of them. Spike grabbed him around the throat, squeezing tight. “Jealous Slayer?” He twisted harder and Merexe growled.
“Not likely.” Buffy thrust deep just as Merexe wrenched away. “Whoops!”
“Watch it!” Spike jumped back, narrowly missing being the meat on the Slayer’s monster skewer. He glowered at her and she gave a small shrug. “Don’t damage the coat!”
“Stay alert then, vampire,” Buffy said as she kicked hard, sending Merexe to the ground.
Buffybot swung her axe again, the blade coming down hard onto the demon’s back and slicing deep into its flesh. It roared and knocked her away with a massive swing, sending her flying across the basement and into a table, which was smashed into ruins. She laid there for a moment, rebooting.
“Oi, Slayerbot!” Spike glanced at her, concerned, but was sidetracked by the swiftly advancing demon, who now looked really, really mad. “Buffy, watch out.”
Merexe raised it’s arm and threw it out, shoving Spike against the basement wall hard enough to crack the cement. His other arm smashed Buffy to the ground with one massive blow. She grunted a little as she fell, sword sliding across the room.
Buffybot sat up suddenly, looking at her clothes in dismay.
“My sexy shirt is torn! And you hurt Spike! You‘ll pay for this !” The Bot shifted, and an odd crunching noise was heard.
“My never-opened Limited Edition Star Wars figures!” Warren cried from under the computer desk where he was currently cowering, fighting Xander’s attempts at dragging him out. He looked close to tears as she stood up, crushing what was left of his collection under her boot heels as she ran over to Spike, who sat up groggily.
“What the bloody hell...” He shifted, pulling out a mangled box from under his coat. “A little old to be playing with dolls aren’t you?”
“My never-opened Star Trek TNG figures!” Warren moaned, looking ill.
Buffy rolled and jumped up. “Get out of here Warren,” she ordered, holding her hand out. Spike stood and threw her sword at her; she caught it effortlessly and spun, sending her blade downwards. A huge gash opened along Merexe’s belly and a pungent brown puss leaked out, making everyone gag from the stench.
“My autographed picture of Bill Gates!” Warren held his head in anguish as the thick mucus-like blood splattered across the walls.
Anya bent down, peering at him as he cringed under the desk. She reached out her hand and he kicked at it, making her pull back quickly. “Hit him Xander!” she commanded, immediately tired of trying to grab on to Warren from his hiding spot. She held her shirt over her nose, grimacing at the stench filling the basement.
“I’m trying, believe me!” Xander panted, pulling Warren. He looked at the howling demon in disgust. “And I thought they smelled bad...from the outside!”
“Buffy!”
Buffy turned and groaned. The portal was growing, despite the attempts otherwise from Willow and Giles. Something fluttered near her foot and she looked down just in time to see a copy of ‘Popular Science’ float up a bit and slide along the floor, disappearing into the black tear. Her eyes met with Willow’s scared ones. “Everybody run!”
Warren suddenly jumped out from under the desk, shoving Xander into Anya and knocking the two of them to the floor as he ran. His feet beat a frantic tattoo as he barreled up the steps and disappeared with a slam of the door, locking it behind him.
“He locked the door!” Willow cried, hair whipping about as the portal began to grow stronger, sucking a poster of Carmen Electra off the wall and into the void. She staggered a bit, making her way over to the stairs by the rest of them. “I knew he was a big jerk! I knew it ever since that time he stole my highlighter in senior year. Oh sure, he said he didn’t do it, but I knew he did, he was the only one with the motive, all saying how he liked the way it made the important words look even more important...”
“Yes, well, I believe a locked door is the least of our concerns right now.” Giles grabbed his crossbow and fired a bolt at Merexe, who was still screaming and writhing from the injury Buffy had given. The suction from the portal was increasing, making more and more items whip around their heads; it sucked the arrow away from it’s course and it disappeared into the hole.
“Giles is right,” Anya nodded solemnly. “What’s really important is that Warren pushed me and I fell on Xander’s penis. Now he may be broken.”
The gang looked at Xander, who was crouched half-over, face screwed with pain. He held a hand up pleadingly.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” His other hand cupped his pants gingerly. “And, so not enjoying the eyes on the frontal area.”
Spike stumbled over, annoyed. “I say we kill this thing once and for all and get out of this rat-hole.” He took in the bits of furniture that had begun falling into the void. “God, it’s even more depressing than Harris’ place.”
“Is not!” Xander protested.
Buffy nodded to Giles. “Spike’s right. Get them out of here any way you can before you’re all Demon Kibble. Spike and I will finish this off.”
“So will I!” The Buffybot said happily. “I protect the innocent! I’m the Slayer!”
Buffy stood up straight, pushing her hair away from her face. “I’m The Slayer. I was Chosen. Me. You were made by some freaky psycho-geek.”
Anya raised her hand. “Um...Willow doesn’t like that word. And, according to Willow, we all have to do what she says, even if she didn’t close the portal like she was supposed to.”
“You couldn’t even get a nerd out from under a desk! I believe my job was a little more difficult, thank you.” Willow crossed her arms, looking offended.
Anya gasped. “You said nerd! Xander!” She turned to him and pointed at Willow accusingly. “I can’t say geek but she can say nerd! That’s a double standard, thank you very much, just like when gay people call each other fags and then cry when we do!”
Xander looked around, almost convinced there was a gay man lurking behind a corner, ready to get upset. “Listen An, we’ll talk about it later okay?”
“Later later, it’s always later!” Anya crossed her arms and pouted. “You’re darn tootin’ we’ll talk about it, as soon as Buffy kills this demon.”
Willow crossed her arms as well, echoing Anya’s stance. “Yes, and then you can have wild make-up sex,” she muttered under her breath, frowning.
Buffybot frowned, concerned. “Willow, I hate to see my best friend upset. You need a hug.” She stepped forward, sending Willow half-way up the steps.
“No no, no need to hug.” She held her hands out defensively. “Just stay there with the other Slayer...I mean, Buffy! Stand beside Buffy!” She sent Buffy and apologetic look at the faux-pas.
Spike sighed, impatient. They needed to get on with the killing, and maybe a spot of maiming too. Maiming always relaxed him. “Fine.” He pointed at Buffy. “You’re the Slayer. And as we have this lovely chat your demon friend is thinking about how hungry the kiddies are.” He slid his game face on and smiled evilly. “Let’s kill them all.”
“Nice. Is that all you think about?” Buffy walked towards Merexe, who was glaring at them, still clutching its side. Spike shrugged.
“That’s not all I think about.” He licked his lips at her, his pointy teeth gleaming whitely, looking for all the world like the Big Bad Wolf. Buffy made a face.
“Eww Spike! Gross much?”
Spike followed her, his coat flapping around his legs madly. “What?” he yelled over the ever-increasing noise, ducking as a keyboard zipped by his head and into the void. There was the faint sound of battering as Xander and Giles struggled with the basement door.
“I said-oh, forget it,” she snapped, and spun her sword menacingly, facing off with Merexe, Buffybot and Spike flanking her on either side.
“Hi!” The Bot waved and pointed to the axe still buried in it’s back. “I need that back.”
Merexe looked at the three before it and laughed. Grabbing the Bot he picked her up over his head.
“Hey! Put me down you horrid thing!”
Buffy pulled her sword back, ready to cut it’s hairy arm off. As she swung backwards it was sucked out of her grasp and she spun around in surprise, watching it disappear into the portal. “Well. That’s just great. That was my favorite sword too.”
Merexe kicked, knocking Buffy into the metal pillar. He laughed again, heaving Buffybot and she landed on Spike, sending them sliding.
“You shed the blood of a Merexe. You will pay for that, human,” Merexe spat, bending down and dragging a still-groggy Buffy up. “You will pay with your life.”
“Don’t think so.” Buffy spun, her foot twisting around his legs, and sent him down. He landed on his back, pushing the axe in even deeper, and screamed loudly. As he rolled over Buffy jumped on him, hands on the handle. She tugged fruitlessly, wrenching hard. The handle broke, making her fall backwards, the head still embedded in his skin.
“Stupid axe,” she muttered, watching as Merexe got back up and fixed all four baleful eyes on her. He jumped, arms held wide and she bent down, thrusting up with all her strength, sending the splintered ends of the handle deep into one of its eyes. Merexe fell like a ton of bricks, dead before it hit the floor.
The portal shut with a snap, furniture falling everywhere with a clatter as the suction disappeared. All was silent.
Spike jumped up and ran over, seeing the motionless body on top of Buffy, who could barely be seen under the huge bulk.
“Little help?” Buffy’s muffled voice came from under the beast. She waved a free hand blindly and felt another take it in a strong clasp. She was pulled out, coming face to face with a concerned Spike.
“Thought you were a goner for a second there Slayer.” He said. She scoffed at him.
“You wish.” Buffy brushed at the smelly brown pus on her clothes, not pleased with the stench coming off her body. “God I hate it when they bleed on me.”
The Bot came over and glared at the corpse. “Your Mother was a hamster and your Father smelt like elderberries!” She cried, hands on her hips. “Hmmph.”
“What the? What is she saying? More Minty Python stuff?”
Spike almost died at the mistake. “Monty. It’s Monty Python. Seriously Slayer, I don’t know what-”
“Relax, I was kidding.” She stuck her tongue out at him.
“Spike likes it when I used my tongue,” the Bot said, making Buffy immediately pull hers back in. “He is the best lover ever!” She hugged him around the waist, ignoring how he squirmed to escape.
Buffy’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits. “She is going to be so very re-programmed,” she said to Spike. “You and I are going to have a little talk about this.”
Buffybot’s hand began traveling south and Spike grabbed at it. “I can’t help it if she likes my bits and pieces,” he said. Buffy snorted and he gave a little smirk. “You seemed to enjoy them.”
Buffy’s mouth opened. “Shut-”
“Well, it seems Warren has fled,” Giles said wearily from the middle of the stairs, interrupting Buffy‘s venting. He rubbed his shoulder, sighing. “I do believe the boy had no less than a dozen locks on that door.”
Buffy gave Spike a final glare and he raised his eyebrows at her in mock offence. She came up to Giles, taking in the weary look on his face and the fact that the rest of the gang was no where to be seen.
“Are you okay?” Buffy ran upstairs and stopped, taking in the group huddled miserably on the living room sofa, eating peanut butter marshmallow squares, a cup of Kool-Aid in each of their hands.
“We’re fine, but that woman is a menace,” Giles whispered in her ear, motioning towards the plate brimming with sticky snacks. “I only escaped by insisting I went down to get the three of you. I despise peanut butter.”
Anya smiled, eating happily. “Oh, Buffy, have you ever had these? Someone shrunk marshmallows into a tiny size, and then Warren’s mom made the peanut butter form a protective layer around them for easy consumption!”
“Marshmallow square, dear?“
Buffy looked at the plate thrust into her face, then up into the smiling eyes of Warren’s mom in horror.
****************************************
Bed. My very best friend right now, Buffy thought as she pulled on her tank top and shorts, pleased to be out of her wet, icky clothes. When she found Warren there was going to be one mega-large payback. That outfit was really cool. On the plus side, everyone was home safely, she was showered and clean, and her bed was looking mighty inviting right about now.
The sheets were soft and cool to her touch as she slid in with a groan, wincing a bit at the soreness in her back. Dumb demon, all with the wrestling throw-downs, making her achy and cranky. And frustrated, the little voice in her head whispered slyly. Don’t forget frustrated.
Shut up! She rolled over huffily, pulling the covers across her shoulders, ignoring the slight throbbing she’d had since The Bathroom.
The sight of Spike kneeling between her thighs seemed to be burned in her head; it was there when she closed her eyes like a damn IMAX, all in Technicolor goodness. No! Not goodness! Badness! Spike=bad.
Her legs slid together beneath the sheets and she rolled again, sighing. Her hand slipped down her belly and under her tight shorts, down to her...
“Slayer.”
Buffy sat up with a little yelp, holding the covers against her chest protectively. “Spike! What the hell are you doing?”
Spike jumped off the sill, shrugging. “You said you wanted to talk. So here I am.”
“I didn’t say I wanted to talk in the middle of the night in my bedroom!” Buffy noticed him looking at her clutching the sheet up to her chin and dropped it, feeling ridiculous. A thought suddenly dawned on her. “Where’s the robot? You’re not planning some kinky sex thing are you?”
“Slayerbot is with Willow, just like you said she had to be.” The bed creaked slightly as Spike sat on a corner and shook his head at her reprovingly. “I’m sure the little brainiac is busily reprogramming her right now. Tsk Slayer, what a dirty little mind you have. Not everything is about sex with you, you know.”
She gave him a look and he laughed. “Who am I kidding? It’s all I can think about.” He leaned into her and she backed up quickly, falling onto the floor with a thump.
Spike’s head popped over the side of the bed and she stared at him as she laid there. “I fell off the bed,” she said stupidly. He quirked an eyebrow.
“We can do it there if you like,” he purred, making her scramble up quickly.
“Look, this isn’t going to happen.” She paced the room, a finger in the air, pointing as she made each point. “I’m the Slayer! You’re a vampire!”
Spike rolled onto his side, watching her. “That never stopped you with Angel.”
Buffy paused. “So not going there. You can’t compare the two of you, you’re completely not the same! What Angel and I had...it was different. It’s a totally different-”
“I thought we weren’t going there.” Spike stood up.
“We aren’t.” Buffy blinked as Spike took off his coat, tossing it onto her dresser. He kicked off his boots and they hit the wall with a thump. “What are you doing?” she asked, watching as he started unbuttoning his shirt. “Is that a new top?” Spike didn’t answer, just smiled a bit and pulled it open, letting her see his smooth, sleek chest.
“Are you trying to seduce me? Cause, sorry, it’s so...not...uh...working...” The top slowly slid down the length of his lean arms to land in a pool under his feet. “Spike, this is ridiculous...“ She swallowed heavily as his hands went to his belt buckle. “Not interested. Move along now.”
She watched as he undid his top button on his jeans. Oh god, he’s wearing button-flies.
Pop. Another one opened, revealing more of that hard belly.
Pop.
“Look, give it up, alright?”
Pop.
“It’s not going to work, so go home.”
Pop.
She could see the shadow of his hair now, a promise peeking out from the little that was still covering him. “Oh god.”
She kissed him.
He grabbed her as she came at him, hand twisted in the mass of her hair, and kissed her back, hard. Half-carrying, half-dragging her to the bed, he still kissed her, barely breaking apart to let her breathe, barely noticing when they felt to the mattress. He kissed her, groaning as he tore at the clothing, gasping as she pulled at his jeans.
It was as if he couldn’t bear for his lips to leave her skin, his lips traveling from her mouth to her face, sweetly kissing her flushed cheeks, hotly kissing her neck. She tasted like the ocean and he licked at her, hungry for more, mouth traveling down now to her shoulders, tongue dancing over her collarbone and down further. Little nibbling kisses at her chest, making her whimper at the sensation. Long, slow licks at her nipples, rolling the tight little pebbles like candy between his cool lips, strong, sucking kisses between her breasts, leaving slight bruises as he went. He swirled his tongue in the navel, making her giggle at the tickling and smiled against her warm skin, sliding ever further until at last he reached what he’d dreamt of, what he’d fantasized about, what he’d craved for so long.
He dove in. There was no more teasing, no games, just his mouth moving hungrily on her like a man starved, a man dying of thirst. She arched wildly, hands now twisted in his hair as he’d done earlier and he move his tongue even faster, harder, deeper into her. She was drenched, and he was drenched, and it was better than anything he had even dared to imagine. Nothing has ever been so good, he thought.
She pulled hard and he was forced to come back up or have his hair torn out. Her legs were splayed out wantonly and her little hand was on his cock.
“I want to taste you,” she whispered, eyes glittering in the semi-darkness, the moon shining over her sweet body like silver sunshine. He buried his head in her shoulder at the words, his body shivering.
“I can’t,” he moaned. “I’ll come, and I want to be in you the first time it happens.”
Buffy’s tongue came out, licking at her lips as she looked at him, contemplating. He pulled his head back, meeting her eyes.
“Alright then.” She guided him to her, the heat searing. “But next time I get to drink you. Promise me.”
Spike’s breath caught at her words and he thrust sharply. “God, anything you want. Anything.” He plunged into again, deeper, eyes locked with hers. “Buffy. Anything.”
They moved together, eyes never leaving each other’s, breath coming harder and harder as they went. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck, clinging tightly as he rode her, legs twined around his, sheets tangled crazily under their bodies.
“Spike.” Her eyes started to slide shut as her orgasm approached and he kissed her wildly.
“No,” he said, pulling his mouth away. “Don't close your eyes. Look at me. I want to see you.”
She opened her eyes again, staring into his. They were such a dark blue with his passion that they seemed almost black, and they held her prisoner, anchored her to him. She shuddered.
“That’s it Buffy. Come for me,” Spike whispered, making her quake. “Yeah baby, come on now.”
She shrieked, back bending like a bow. His mouth was on hers again, licking and sucking as he came with her, his body vibrating from his climax, muscled clenched as he froze deep within her.
The kissed were soft and sweet now, gently raining on her like petals drifting. They moved down her closed eyes to her temples, almost reverent with worship, to her mouth for a final touch, a feather-light sweep across her swollen lips.
Spike slid over to lay next to her, his head nestled lazily in the comforting valley of her chest, a hand resting on her inner thigh possessively. Her own hand came over, stroking his hair away from his face, soothing and rhythmical, making his eyes slide shut, just one thought circling his mind as he drifted off.
I'm her slave now.