DISCLAIMER: So, Joss and I are lounging poolside the other day, martinis in hand, when he turns his head slightly and says, “I think this will be the last season of Buffy. Hmmm. Yes, yes. I’m sure it will.” I blink. “Will you go back and start overseeing the Big Finish? Make sure this season doesn’t fall apart...you know, more so?” He starts to get up, but is too tipsy from all the Crantinis he’s guzzled, and proceeds to fall into the pool. I point and laugh but unfortunately, season seven still continues to suck major bag. Bummer!

THANKS: Well, to all of you for reading. It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten the urge to write. And mucho thanks as always to my sassy beta little_bit.

LAST TIME, ON BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: We last left our little gang of Scoobies tied helplessly over a giant vat of acid. Luckily Xander had his tool belt on and managed to hammer the ropes off. BAM! THWAP! Soon the fight was going between Batman and the goons...oh, wait. None of that actually happened. What actually happened was this: Warren built a Buffybot. It escaped. Wackiness ensued. Spike and Buffy fell in looo-oove. If you want the previous story, go to my site and read ‘The Wacky Adventures of Spike and Buffybot’ at www.mrmonkeybottoms.com because you will need to read it if you haven’t already. Or else you might get a little confused. More so.

********************************************

Warren was watching under the cover of the night, just like he had for the previous two months, watching and waiting and taking notes and rubbing his hands together evilly. Sometimes he’d try out his Evil Genius Cackle, but it seemed to freak out the birds, so he’d pretty much put that one to rest. He was tired of chickadees dive-bombing him. The watching was important however, and he kept it up, keeping his notepad handy for jotting down important notes (Willow seems to be kinda gay, Anya really likes sex) and the whatever occasional reminder (pick up pre-ordered copy of Star Trek Season One, fix Nintendo controller) that happened to pop into his head.

The Scoobies, of course, were oblivious to his spying as he followed them around their daily lives. They were clueless that he was even still in town, never mind the fact that he was present as they went to school, shopped, studied, showered (he especially liked the shower missions, very important) chatted, planned patrols, and snuggled. Warren highly enjoyed the snuggling parts. Those were important enough to record on video. For study later on, in the privacy of his Lair of Evil.

In fact, he was recording a ‘snuggle’ session right at this very moment. After following the lovebirds as they made their sweep of the graveyard, he was rewarded in spades. Buffy and Spike were half-hidden beneath some trees, going at it like a bunch of-

“Klingons,” Andrew whispered beside him, interrupting his train of thought.

“What?” Warren frowned, not looking away from the scene in the graveyard as he peered over the dense bushes that hid them. The camcorder recorded quietly beside him, safely screwed into its tripod.

“They’re having sexual rituals like Klingons. First the male reads poetry, then the female throws heavy objects at him. And then they mate.” Andrew nodded at the two half-naked bodies rolling about in the grass. “I wonder if they’ll get married.”

“Married.” Warren looked away from the sex for a moment and studied Andrew who was gazing at the two with rapt admiration. “Married. Yeah. The vampire and the Slayer are gonna get married.”

“Klingons marry after having sexual relations. Oh! And the man has a keen sense of smell.” Andrew nodded and Warren looked back over to see Spike sniffing playfully at Buffy’s knees. “And the women are know for their large sexual appetites-”

Warren cuffed him across the head and he yelped loudly, surprised. The lovers stopped smooching and popped up, clothes off, fighting stance on, making the two spies duck back behind the thick mass of leaves, panicked.

“Way to go,” Warren hissed, grabbing the video camera off its tripod. “You’ve blown our cover!” He tossed the equipment into his duffle bag with an accusing glare.

“It’s not my fault! You’re the one who hit me!” They crawled away frantically, getting up and running madly to the road where their Van of Evil was waiting. “You startled me-”

Andrew’s words were cut off as the back doors to the van swung open with a bang, revealing the figure who half-crouched inside, head cocked mockingly.

“Stay inside,” Warren ordered, tossing the equipment carelessly, ignoring Andrew’s wince as the camera thudded. “No one can see you yet.”

The robot shrugged and moved away, leaving the two to push at each other in an attempt to enter the van first. Finally, with a shove that send Andrew rolling in the gravel, Warren succeeded.

“You cheated.” Andrew got up and followed him in, face pouty. “You know I have weak ankles.”

The bot rolled its eyes as Warren gunned the motor and the van roared off into the night, tires kicking up dust and tiny rocks as it sped away.

“When are we going to do it?” Andrew whined, stumbling up to the front and plopping into the passenger seat. “We need to get the plan in motion.”

Warren nodded, eyes on the road. “Yeah, you’re right. I think we’ve studied them enough.”

Andrew grinned happily. “Time to start Phase Three?”

“Time to start Phase Three,” Warren said.

“I concur,” Andrew repeated solemnly. They looked at each other and nodded, throwing their heads back and laughing The Evil Laughter of Villains.

************************************************************************

“Did you hear something?” Buffy looked around the graveyard, frowning.

Spike vamped out and looked about. Hearing and seeing nothing, he shook his head, putting his human face on again. “Well, whatever it was, it’s long gone. Probably a rabbit or a lost groundhog or something.” He snaked an arm around Buffy’s waist and pulled her close. “All the screaming must have scared it off.”

Buffy grabbed a handful of hair and yanked sharply, making Spike hiss. “I wasn’t the one screaming.” She shoved him back down to the grass and placed her foot on his chest. Hard.

Spike smiled. “I know.”

“Spike! Buffy! Hi!” The Buffybot waved, standing right beside them. “I see you’re naked and having sex. I used to have sex with Spike, but now I’m programmed not to. He has a magnificent body.”

Naked! Buffy squealed and hid behind an equally naked Spike, who jumped up and hid his privates with two hands, flustered. “How is it she can sneak up on us like this every time?” Buffy peered out from behind Spike’s back at the grinning Bot. “We have to stop having sex outside. Seriously.”

“I slay evil!” Buffybot informed them happily.

Spike bent down and snagged his duster from a nearby branch. “Here luv,” he muttered. Buffy took it gratefully. “Where are my pants?”

Buffybot pointed behind him to where his jeans hung, draped over a gravestone.

“Ah. Thanks, Slayerbot.” He threw a leg in, ignoring how the Bot smiled as she caught a glimpse.

“Hey, Buffybot, you have to stop racing off without me-” Xander stepped through the bushes, sipping from the giant cup in his hands. He caught one glimpse of the nearly-naked Spike and choked, his Blue Raspberry Slurpee spraying everywhere. “GAH!”

“Give it up, Harris,” Spike drawled, pulling his pants all the way up and zipping. “I know you loved it.”

“I am so tired of seeing you two naked!” Xander wiped his mouth, looking anywhere but at the lovebirds. Spike scoffed and he whirled at him. “Shut up!”

Buffy stepped between the two, jacket belted tightly, sleeves trailing. “Shut up, both of you.” Xander took another sip of his drink as the two glared at each other. “Seriously, if I didn't know better I’d say that you guys had that love/hate thing going on. And that never works out. Unless you’re me.”

“I used to love Spike and Willow. I hate villains!”

“Yeah, well, at least Willow managed to program that out of your system.” Spike gathered the rest of their clothing, pausing at Xander’s snicker. “Shut it.”

Buffy looked around nervously. “Where is Willow anyways?” she asked, hoping that she wouldn’t be the next person to come bounding in to join the party. Throw Giles in to make the moment complete. Hell, why not invite her Mom?

“Out with her ‘new friend’.” Xander put in just the right amount of wistfulness to imply that he suspected they were doing more than studying, and that he’d like to watch. Spike looked over, interested.

“Oh yeah?” He raised an eyebrow. “Have the little Wiccas come out of the Wiccan Closet?”

Xander’s eyes glazed. “Oh god, I hope so.”

Both received a smack on the head from Buffy. “Stop being pigs, you pigs. Willow’s our friend and she wouldn’t appreciate you talking like this about her. Show some respect.” She paused and grinned a little. “I saw them sneaking a kiss at Giles’ the other night.”

Both boys shot back to attention. “Oh yeah?” Xander said excitedly. “What kind of a kiss? Like, a make-out tongue kind, or a shy, sexy kind?”

“Maybe it was a desperate, can’t keep their hands off each other kind,” Spike added. They looked at each other and nodded, bonding over the girly hotness.

“It was more of a...hey! Stop it!” Buffy grabbed her clothes from Spike, huffy. “I refuse to say another word.” Xander and Spike wilted visibly. “I’m going home,” she announced, walking away.

Spike shot to her side. “Home?”

“Yes. Home.” Buffy paused and smiled as Spike stooped over her and whispered in her ear. “Well, home, or maybe to the crypt.”

“Eww.” Xander tossed his Slurpee away at the sickly sight of the two snuggling and giggling, unable to handle all the sweetness. The Bot gasped.

“Xander!” she said, pointing in shock. “Littering is evil!”

He nodded. “You’re right, sorry.” He picked it up to find Spike and Buffy leaving the graveyard, arms wrapped around each other. The Buffybot blinked at him happily. “Let’s get out of here. Anya’s waiting for me.”

“In your basement?” The Bot asked.

Xander groaned, thinking of that hellhole. “Yeah.”

“I like your basement!”

“Well little Botty, that’s why I like you. You like everything.” Xander put an arm around her good-naturedly. “Tell you what. I’ll even let you pick the movie tonight.”

Buffybot clapped her hands and bounced. “Ohhh! The Sound of Music!”

“Again?” Xander made a face. “You pick that every time! Aren’t you tired of it?” The Bot shook her head and he sighed. “All right.”

The two walked away, singing.

“You are sixteen, going on seventeen...”

Chapter 2:

DISCLAIMER: So, there I was, minding my own business when the next thing I know Joss is pointing at me and yelling, “There she is! Get her! She’s crazy!” I ran like a deer, the hounds hot on my heel, bullets whizzing over my head and dove into the getaway car. “Drive, drive!” I shouted, and ‘Jane E‘. floored it. “Did ya get ‘em?” she asked, eyes on the road. I waved the boxers proudly. Another successful Joss Panty Raid.

THANKS: Hey, I appreciate you reading this. C’mere and lemme show you just how much, wink wink. And, as always, sexy thanks to little bit for being a great beta.

WHAT’S GOING ON?: Warren and Andrew joined forces and have been spying on the Scoobies. Buffy and Spike fooled around in the graveyard while patrolling. Andrew talked about Klingons. Xander and Buffybot showed up. Willow is dating Tara...secretly. Or not so secretly, since the Scoobies all know. Warren and Andrew ran off and decided it was time for Phase Three. Buffybot likes The Sound of Music. And now, a few days later, Warren and Andrew are working on Phase Three...

************************************************************************

“Worf is a way better Chief Security Officer than Tasha Yar. The show was better after she left.”

Warren stopped tinkering with the wires in front of him and frowned. “It was a good move to have just one Klingon in Starfleet.” He looked back down at the jumble of wires. “Pass me the needle nose pliers.”

Andrew rummaged through the toolbox beside him. “I mean, sure, Tasha was hot and everything, but Worf brought honor and duty.” He found the pliers and waved them. “But Tasha was so cool when they were all struck with that virus and she wore that outfit...” he trailed off, picturing it.

“Yeah...” Warren sighed.

“And she asked Data if he was ‘fully functional’.”

“Fully functional,” Warren repeated wistfully, thinking of his long-lost Buffybot.

Andrew’s face screwed up. “Imagine it, having to survive on her home planet, hiding from the rape gangs. Poor thing.” He sniffed a bit, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. “She was so brave. Like Buffy.”

Warren looked up at Andrew, suddenly reminded of his mission. “Buffy. Hey, gimme the pliers, or I’ll never get this thing to work. Why’d you have to drop it?”

“It wasn’t my fault, I was startled when you walked in the room!”

“Yeah well, if Spike and Buffy come home we won’t be able to see a thing.” Warren put the pliers down with a sigh. “I can’t get it fixed till tomorrow. I need a part.”

They both stared at the TV monitor, forlorn.

*************

“My hair feels like someone sneezed on it. Like, a hundred times.” Buffy winced as a glob of slime dripped down her neck. “Oh, eww! I need my shower, now!”

Spike shrugged. “I told you not to stake it.”

“I told you not to stake it,” Buffy mimicked. “Thanks, but you shouted it as I staked it. Not too helpful.” She groaned in relief as they walked up to the front door. “Oh, my shower is calling my name.”

“Mmmm...” Spike perked up, eyes gleaming.

“Oh no!” Buffy rounded on him and he took a step back, avoiding any muck on his coat. “Not gonna happen! The guy who didn’t get a drop of demon snot on him will be staying out of the shower! I am not getting hot and heavy with this goop on me!”

“But pet...”
“No.” Buffy narrowed her eyes at him and he drooped. “This is a private shower, no horny vamps allowed.”

Spike opened the door. “And what exactly am I too do while you’re in there?”

Buffy bolted for the stairs, ignoring him, intent on getting the mess off her skin. He smirked, watching her run. “We could use it as lube!” he called as he followed her upstairs. She shot him a glare and disappeared into her room, the sound of her bathroom door slamming shut her response. “C’mon sweets, a little naughty action?”

******

The tinny voice caught their attention.

“Hey! I hear something!” Andrew grabbed the monitor and shook it violently. “They’re home!”

“Give me that!” Warren grabbed it.

“Hey, I had it first!” Andrew yanked back. “Let go!”

Warren pushed at his face with his hand. “No, you let go!” They struggled, breath heavy from the effort, heads bent awkwardly as they shoved at each other

“...as lube!” the monitor barked.

They froze, and then, as one, put their heads to the speaker. “C’mon sweets, a little naughty action?”

Warren tilted his head and grinned. “Jackpot.”

******

Spike flopped on the bed, bored. Now what? Buffy would be in there for ages, washing, rinsing, repeating, conditioning, deep conditioning, scrubbing with the loofah. What was a vamp to do in the meantime? He sighed and plopped his head on her pillow, frowning when it made a clunk. Slipping his hand under her pillow he pulled out a dog-eared, much-read paperback.

‘Beloved Passion of the Wicked Heart?’ So this was what the Slayer did in her spare time? Read cheesy Harlequin romances? He thumbed the book open to a random passage and started to read.

“What’s going on?” Andrew whined. “I can’t hear anything!”

“Well, if you didn’t have your face pressed up against mine...” Warren shoved him away, wiping his cheek. “You sweat.”

“I do not!” Andrew said defensively. “It’s a glandular thing.”

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.” Warren turned the monitor over and poked a few buttons. “Stupid volume is stuck.”

Andrew fidgeted impatiently. “Who knows what they’re doing.” he whined, eyes wistful. “A sexy vampire, the One True Slayer...”

******

Spike stopped reading at the sound of the shower turning off. “Ah, my Queen emerges,” he mocked gallantly as a damp, pink Buffy opened the door, towel wrapped around her body.

Buffy’s eyes locked on her book in Spike’s hands. Her own hands reached for the nearest object, a large plastic brush.

******

“...Queen...urges...”

Warren froze.

“It’s working!” Andrew dove closer again.

“Did he just say he has urges?” Warren leaned in close.

******

“You are the light of me, my own sun, my own moon, my own starlight. I cannot live without the taste of you on my lips, your sweet hot quim against my mouth...”

Buffy flung the brush at him and he ducked wildly. It crashed into her clock, sending it flying. She pointed to the book . “Give it to me,” she ordered.

“Oh my love, my Queen, my world, give me your cunny, your wild juices splashing like the ocean of which it tastes, the life that it holds...” Spike avoided her swing and jumped over the bed, breathless from trying to read and laugh at the same time. “I need to feel my seed spilling into your hot, delicious quim!”

“I said-”

******

“...give it to me!!!!”

Warren looked up in awe. “Wow. She‘s begging for it!”

Andrew swallowed, overcome with emotion. “That guy is a God.”

******

Spike jumped across the bed easily, landing as quietly as a cat on the other side. “I want to live and die in your warm, sweet cunny. I need to bury my manhood deep into you, feel your breath racing against my skin...Cor! Bloody hell this is gold! ”

Buffy’s eyes were angry slits. “Give it. Now! I-” She tackled him, sending them down in a massive crash against her end table. They wrestled madly. “...want!” The book ripped in two. “...it!”

******

“...now! I...want...it!”

“Move over!” Andrew grabbed the monitor, holding it tightly against his face. “It’s getting kinky!”

“Cut it out!” Warren swiped at him angrily, catching his arm. Andrew’s hand slipped and the monitor fell to the floor. There was a moment of silence as the two looked at the broken pieces.

“Nooooooooo!” Andrew fell to his knees, clutching the parts in horror. “Work! Work, darn it!”

Warren rolled his eyes. “Great job, dummy.”

Andrew got up, still holding the bits like a precious teddy bear. “It’s your fault. You hit me. I was just trying to take notes, for the programming.”

“The programming is my job, not yours,” Warren said, walking over to the robot sitting quietly at the end of the table, wires plugged into it’s head. “And speaking of which, I think we’ve hit the lottery with his speech problems. I‘m never heard Buffy react to Spike like that before, the things he was saying must have really turned her on. Too bad the stupid thing was broken and we couldn‘t see anything.” He typed madly on the keyboard next to the robot. “Let’s see...cor...quim...cunny...queen...seed...”

“Yeah?” Andrew came over, gazing at the robot in admiration. “Are you gonna finish his vocabulary now? Maybe...a practice run with the seduction.”

“A practice run? Hey good idea.”

Andrew perked up, pleased.

“We’ll try him out on a Scooby.”

Andrew drooped. “Well, I was actually thinking we’d try him on someone else. Like, someone closer-”

Warren turned, inspired. “You’re right! We should get him to help us nab Spike first.”

Andrew blinked. “Huh? I never said-”

“I mean, Phase Three can’t be successful without Spike out of the way. We should rename it. Phase Three A and Phase Three B. Phase A will be the Spike-napping, Phase B will be-”

“We’re gonna get Spike? Here?” Andrew interrupted, and sighed dreamily.

Warren struck a pose, arms folded importantly. “No, Spikebot is gonna get Spike.”

Andrew nodded, eyes bright.

The Spikebot just sat and watched, mouth smirking.

Chapter 3:

DISCLAIMERS: Last night Joss and I were having dinner in a very posh McDonalds when suddenly his cell phone rings. “No James Marsters, you cannot have sex with me and monkeybottoms,” he sighs into the receiver. “How many times do I have to tell you that she’s mine only? Yes...yes...uh huh...okay, see you on the set. Yes, you have to be shirtless in that scene. Yeah, in that scene too. Well, that scene wouldn’t work if you had your pants on, now would it? Okay, bye.”

THANKS: Big big big love and kisses to my beta little bit. She is a genius. And thanks to Joss for bringing Spike to Angel this season. Dude, it’s the least he could do after the shitpile that was called Season Six. And Seven.

PREVIOUSLY...Andrew and Warren were geeks. Spike found Buffy’s paperback romance novel. Buffy threw stuff at him while he quoted it mockingly. Andrew and Warren listened in and were awed by Spikes hot talk. The Spikebot was programmed with the sex words Spike was yelling. Phase Three A was born.

************************************************************************

“Phase Three A is about to commence. Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen. We’re goin’ in. There’s no turning back now. Buckle your seatbelts and get ready for the ride of your li-”

“Would you shut up already?” Warren snapped impatiently, making Andrew frown. “I can’t think with you yammering like that. And the last thing we need is for the big scary group of demons to hear us.”

Andrew shrugged and went to stand beside the Spikebot. “Do you know if the Scoobies are in position yet?” he asked, eyeing the way the robot’s leather crinkled in all the right places.

Warren pulled out a massive pair of night-vision binoculars and peered. “Buffy’s creeping up on the Hal-Talm...I can’t see Xander or Spike...the librarian is waiting with Willow and Tara...OHHH!”

“What?” Andrew asked.

“The girls are holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes.”

Andrew scuttled close, trying to shove his face to see. “Kissing! Is there kissing?”

Warren put the binoculars down. “No,” he said, disappointed.

“Oh.” Andrew went back to staring at the Spikebot, who stared back at him insolently. “You know, I think Spikebot would be more comfortable with his shirt off,” he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. The bot took a step back, eyes narrow.

Warren ignored him, concentrating on the others.

“How long is Buffy gonna take?” Andrew whined after a few minutes. “I’m bored. Why hasn’t she started moving the demons? We left the sword for her and the book telling them what to do. What else do they need? This sucks.”

“Quiet.” Warren peered through the binoculars again “Wait. I think she’s in position.”

***********************************

The demons were big, many-horned and really, really ugly. Ugly, and they had a bad fashion sense. Who wears acid-washed jeans anymore? Buffy thought as she snuck up on them, sword trailing behind her. Evil, that’s who. Evil, insane killers. How did they even get them in that size? Maybe they shop at Plus-sized stores.

Buffy concentrated and crept closer, silent. Predatory. Stalking her prey like a large, stalking cat. A cat that fought evil. An evil-stalking large cat that fought for the sanctity of-

“Hey! Buffy! Over here! I see them!”

Buffy whirled around. “Xander! Shh!” She turned back to see that the demons had heard the noise. They milled about aimlessly, peering under bushes and turning over rocks, looking for the person who’d yelled.

“Wow, those demons are incredibly stupid,” Buffy said as Xander crept up beside her. They watched as the demons argued with each other angrily, pointing at trees and bushes. “This should be a cinch.”

A large snapping sound made her stop talking. The demons were now in a frenzy, snarling angrily. One particularity large one stomped over to a huge oak and smashed it in two with a single punch. Buffy’s face went white. “Or not. Gee, good thing they heard you and are even more riled up. That won’t make this any harder.”

“I sense sarcasm,” Xander said. “Sarcasm makes baby Jesus cry.”

“Why are you even here?” Buffy frowned. He wasn’t supposed to be next to her, messing things up, he was supposed to be with the others, holding a big axe and waiting for her to lead the demons to the portal. She decided to tell Xander to get back. “You should get-”

“Buffy!” Spike hissed, joining them behind their bush. “What’s the hold-up? The witches are ready for you and Rupert’s giving me impatient sighs.” He saw the chaos in the distance and groaned. “Harris, what did you do?”

Xander waved his hands defensively. “Why do you always assume it’s me that messed things up?”

Spike cocked an eyebrow. “Wasn’t it?”

“Well, yes. But that doesn’t mean it’s always me. Only on this occasion it was. Oh, and uh that other time, with Riley-”

“Oh, you mean your dream boy lover?” Spike asked sarcastically.

“Shut up,” Xander ordered.

“Well, the way you go on about him, Harris. Really, it’s just sad. ‘Oh Riley...’” he mimicked. “...he was so swell. So tall and strong and manly. I never even minded his giant meathead or lumbering walk!’”

“Shut up, both of you!” Buffy muttered, eyes on the crazed demons who were still in the process of tearing the park trees out of the earth. “Why are you both here? This wasn’t the plan. No one’s following the plan. All we need is for the group to hear us again and-”

“What’s going on?” Anya asked loudly, standing in full view over the shrubs they were laying behind. “Why hasn’t Buffy herded the demons to the portal yet? And how come you guys get to hang out here instead of back at the portal? I want to hang out here, all that chanting gives me a headache.”

“An!” Xander grabbed her arm and yanked hard, making her yell as she sprawled to the ground next to them.

“Oomph,” Spike grunted and pushed her off him.

“Xander!” Anya said, annoyed. “Why did you do that? My breasts landed in Spike’s hands!”

Buffy and Xander both stared at Spike, annoyed.

“Look, Buffy, it’s not what it sounded like-” Spike began.

“Hi!” Buffybot said brightly, crawling happily towards them on her belly. “Giles sent me over here to find out what’s happening.” She crawled right over Anya, Xander and Spike on her way to Buffy, making them grumble loudly. “Shhh! The nasty demons will hear you! Really people, you need to be quiet.”

“Get your boot out of my spleen and we will be.” Spike shoved her closer to Buffy.

“Do you mind?” Buffy asked, shoving her back.

“I don’t need Slayerbot’s ass in my face,” Spike growled, pushing the Bot back over.

“That’s not what you were saying a few months ago,” Xander muttered, pushing a leg away from his chest.

Spike flipped over to him. “Say, Harris, did you ever tell Anya about that stripper bird last week and how she gave you that free blow?” He flipped back, ignoring the gasps from both of them.

“Xander!” Anya punched him in the shoulder, hard.

“Ow! Anya, it’s a total lie!” Xander rubbed his abused part.

“Oh, so you’re telling me there was no stripper who was giving you free oral sex?!” Anya demanded, sitting up with her arms crossed defiantly.

“Oh no, there was a stripper, but-”

“Well!” Anya jumped up, ignoring the whispers of Get down! from the group. “You can forget we ever met, Xander Harris!” She stomped off loudly back towards the others.

Buffybot frowned. “Spike told a lie. The stripper didn’t give oral sex to Xander, she bit the head off that man that was putting twenty dollars into her g-string.”

Spike shrugged. “Yeah, well, it got rid of her, didn’t it?”

“Are you saying you don’t like my girlfriend?” Xander asked.

“No, I’m saying I don’t like you, so sod off.”

“Buffy, Spike doesn’t like Xander! Why doesn’t he like him?”

“I’m trying to work-”

“What in God’s name is going on here!?” Giles demanded in a stage whisper, making the group shut up as he materialized out of the shadows. “Willow and Tara have been chanting for a half-hour, with not a glimpse of the demons! Why are you all laying behind this bush instead of leading them to the portal? And I’ve ruined my good pair of slacks crawling about in the dirt looking for you all.”

“Spike told a lie,” Buffybot said solemnly.

Giles sighed. “Well, there’s a shock. Buffy, please, can we get started before the demons wander off?”

Buffy nodded, face pink with anger. “Sorry, Giles.”

“Sorry,” Xander muttered.

“Sorry Giles!” The Bot chimed in perkily.

Spike scoffed and looked away. “Pansies,” he coughed.

Giles ignored him. “I’ll go tell them you’re coming. Oh, and Xander? Anya told me to tell you that you...what were the exact words she used? Ah yes, ‘you stink‘.” He crawled off into the darkness.

“Okay, well, let’s get started, shall we?” Spike snuck off to the left.

“Bye now!” Buffybot army-crawled over Xander towards her spot to the right.

“I’d better get back,” Xander whispered. Buffy nodded and he snuck off.

Buffy took a deep breath, readying herself. “And here we go.”

Buffy popped up behind the bushes and waved her sword madly. “Hey! Dummies!” she shouted, making the demons pause in their tree destruction. “Over here! Look, I’ve got the sword you’re looking for!”

The demons looked at her dumbly, swaying slightly as they stared.

“The thought process is a little slow, huh,” Buffy muttered, twirling the sword higher. “Look! Here it is!! Come and get it!”

The demons didn’t move.

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Buffy said, exasperated. “You need sword!” she shouted, louder, pointing to the intricately engraved magical sword in her hands. “I have sword!” She pointed again. “Come here! Come here and get sword!”

The demons snarled, slowly getting it, but still not moving an inch.

“Idiots.” Buffy jumped up and down, the sword flashing in the moonlight as they started to lumber towards her. “It’s no wonder you’ve been looking for this thing for like, a thousand years.”

The demons started to gain speed, finally, and Buffy turned and ran towards the clearing, the slight rumble of the crowd following her.

***********************************

“They’re off! I told you this would work,” Warren said, smug. He turned to the other two. “Phase Three A is going to be a huge succ-” He broke off, dropping the binoculars to the grass.

Andrew looked away from the stampede. “What?”

“Where’s the Spikebot?!” Warren demanded, panicked. “I thought you were watching him! You’re always watching him!”

“He said the demons were exciting, so I turned to see,” Andrew said defensively.

Warren looked around. “Tell me this isn’t happening.”

******************************

She kept running through the woods, the demons lumbering along after her and the sword. These things are so slow. It’s gonna take forever if they don’t pick it up, Buffy thought and shot a quick glance over her shoulder.

The giant ugly face right behind her was a little startling. “Gah!”

The demon swiped at her with a scaly paw, its sharp nails easily raking through her clothes and slicing into her side. Buffy stumbled and fell to the ground with a grunt, sword flashing as she rolled to avoid another lethal hit from the claws. Suddenly the demon pack didn’t seem so far away.

“Buffy!” Spike was at her side in an instant, ripping the demon from her with a snarl.

“You’re supposed to be waiting at the portal! No one is following the plan,” Buffy groaned, clutching her side.

“Yeah, well, I do what I want.” Spike grabbed the sword and whirled as the demon came at him, taking its head off with one swing. The torso collapsed, twitching. He turned back to her, eyes on her bloody shirt. “How bad?”

Buffy pulled her hand away and peeked. “I‘ll live.”

Spike glanced behind him at the ever-advancing demons. “C’mon pet, we have to hurry.”

Buffy accepted the hand he held out to her, wincing as he helped her up. The demons were rather close now, she could see their eyes blazing as they raced towards them. She ran with him to the field, one hand in his, the other gripping her ribs.

Willow and Tara sat beside a large oak, chanting. They didn’t stop as Buffy and Spike burst through the brush, too busy concentrating on the spell for any hellos.

“Where is it?” Buffy gasped, not seeing or hearing any portal.

“There.” Giles pointed behind her and Buffy turned. Floating in the middle of the area was a small, oval-shaped shimmer. “Go behind it. Spike, go check the woods and make sure that there’s nothing around to distract the demons. The Hal-talm are blind with rage now and will follow the sword wherever it goes, but it wouldn't take much to make them veer off course.” He looked back at Buffy who was staring at the shimmering oval. “And for goodness sake, be careful and be sure you don‘t touch the portal.”

Buffy grabbed the sword from Spike and edged around the inch of wavering air cautiously. “Why, will I get sucked into the demon’s dimension?”

“No,” Giles said. “But you will melt from the heat.”

Buffy made a face and backed away another step.

“Like those guys from Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Xander pulled at his face and groaned. “I‘m melting!”

“Here they come,” Anya said calmly, scratching at a bug bite on her arm. “I can hear them. The portal better hold or Buffy’s gonna get trampled to death. Not very pleasant.”

Buffy frowned. “Thanks, Anya,” she said dryly, making Anya brighten.

“You’re welcome!”

The group of demons picked up speed and thundered toward her, their heavy bodies making a loud rumble as they ran mindlessly forward. Nearby trees and bushes rattled and birds took flight from the racket.

“Hey!” Buffy pointed at the figure racing alongside the demons, duster flapping jauntily. “Why the hell is Spike running with them?”

Giles squinted, alarmed. “Good Lord!”

They watched as Spike ran up to a charging demon and grabbed it by a horn, wrenching it down. The two tumbled around in the dust and disappeared from sight.

“Spike!” Buffy shouted, frantic.

“What?” Spike ran up from the side. Buffy jumped in surprise, almost dropping the sword. “Spike! How did...” She held her side, breath hissing through her teeth.

“They're all together, no distractions to be found...” he trailed off, seeing Buffy’s glare.

“Why were you chasing the demons?“ she demanded, furious with him. He could have been trampled. Crushed. Dusted.

“Chasing?” Spike looked at her. “I was checking the woods like the Watcher said. Bloody nice of me, too.”

“The entire thing could have been ruined because of you! What’d you have to pull that one down? Idiot!”

“What are you talking about?” Spike stared. “I wasn’t chasing anything.”

“I saw you, Spike.” Buffy said, angrily. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

Spike scoffed. “Yes. I do.”

Well.

“Are you calling me stupid?” Buffy demanded.

“Actually, I’m calling you a right, stupid bint,” Spike said, angry now.

“Get ready!” Giles barked, annoyed at their bickering. “This is not the time, Buffy!”

Willow and Tara chanted even louder, their voices rising up through the noise.

Buffy’s eyes widened at the sight of thirty giant, slobbering, hell-demons rushing towards her with only a shimmer separating them. She raised the sword higher, feeling more than a little nervous. “Giles...”

“Stand firm!” Giles shouted over the noise. “They won’t turn back now! Everyone, get behind Willow and Tara now.”

“Go!” Buffy ordered, shoving Spike towards the others. He stumbled and shot her a look, but went and stood under the tree, eyes furious.

Willow and Tara closed their eyes, hands joined, voices straining. The portal froze and then suddenly lengthened, expanding to the edges of the clearing, changing from clear to a shining silver. Then, all at once, it disappeared.

“Uh...Giles...?” Buffy looked around in alarm, the demons racing like a herd of cattle about to run her down .

“Buffy!” Spike yelled, taking a step towards her.

“Don’t move, Buffy! The portal is still there!” Giles grabbed Spike’s arm but he threw it off easily. “Stop, dammit! The portal is still there. Distract the demons again and they’ll change course.”

“Again...I wasn‘t...“ Spike paused, mouth tight as he watched the beasts race towards Buffy. She looked ridiculously tiny standing there alone in the field, massive sword held in her hands. The demons were almost upon her. She looked up at him.

Their eyes locked.

“Buffy!” he shouted as she disappeared behind a wall of dust from the herd. The demons ran closer, and then began to vanish as they ran right through the portal. The noise was deafening now and the earth shook from the galloping but he couldn’t see Buffy through all of it. Ignoring Giles he broke away and ran towards her.

The last demon entered the portal and suddenly it was all over. No loud bang, no shrinking into a dot, the portal was just no more and Buffy was standing there, untouched and looking more than a little relieved.

“I’m okay,” she said as he reached her.

He grabbed her arms and stared at her wildly. “Buffy.”

“It worked. They’re gone.”

Spike ran his hands over her, making sure that she was alright. “Always the Slayer,“ he murmured, gently brushing the windblown hair off her face. “That’s my brave girl.”

“Spike!” Buffy whispered, feeling ridiculously girly. “Stop! Giles is frowning.”

“Let him.” Spike leaned in for a kiss and froze, catching a sharp movement out of the corner of his eye. He looked over her shoulder and frowned, seeing something big lurking in the distance. It could be a leftover. No need for Buffy to endanger herself anymore tonight. “Stay here, I‘ll meet up with you later,” he ordered and took two steps off into the woods after it. Then he paused, turned around and grabbed her, planting a long kiss on her lips.

“Be right back.”

Buffy turned and watched him run off, confused. “What? Where are you going?” she called after him but he ignored her. She took a step forward, intent on chasing him.

“Buffy!” Willow shouted, panicked. She was kneeling next to Tara, hands cradling her head gently.

She went over to them. “Is she badly hurt?”

Willow smoothed Tara’s hair away from her face, revealing a deep gash near her temple. Blood was running down the side of her face. “Something hit her as the portal closed,” Willow said, hands trembling as she gingerly pressed her scarf against the flow. “We have to get her to the hospital, she needs help.”

“I’m okay,” Tara mumbled, wiping at the blood awkwardly. “Don’t worry Willow, it’s only a few stitches.” She paused, wincing. “My head hurts.”

Buffy knelt down and helped Willow get her up. “Come on, off to the emergency room for you.” she said firmly, ignoring the burning in her side.

“We’ve all been there ourselves,” Anya said as they walked to Giles’ car. “Now you’re officially part of the group! Congratulations!”

“Um, thanks,” Tara winced and held the scarf Willow had given her tighter to her head.

“One time I hit my head!” Buffybot told Tara as they walked. “Willow fixed me. I needed servicing. Willow! Tara needs servicing.”

Anya grinned.

Xander opened and closed his mouth like a guppy.

Willow blushed.

Giles cleared his throat. “Buffybot, why don’t you go unlock the car?” he passed her the keys, to Buffybot’s obvious delight, and she ran off happily.

Xander came up beside Buffy. “So that wasn‘t alarming or anything with the ‘Running With the Bulls’ and such....” he paused, suddenly noticing the growing stain on her clothes. “Hey! You’re hurt! Giles! Buffy‘s hurt too!”

Buffy glared at Xander. Tattletale. “I’ll be fine,” she said, trying to wiggle away from Giles’ hands.

“Hold still, Buffy.” Giles knelt and lifted the side of her shirt, revealing a deep slash. “It’s nasty.”

“I’ll be fine,” Buffy repeated.

“You need a hospital-”

“No.” Buffy cut Giles off firmly. “I can take care of it myself. Slayer healing, remember? By the time I wake up tomorrow it’ll be like a scratch from a kitten.”

“A big, scary kitten with razor claws,” Xander muttered. “And speaking of scary kittens, where’d Spike run off to?”

She frowned. “I’m not sure.”

“Maybe there was something else to kill,” Anya said. “Maybe more of those demons.”

Giles shook his head. “No, we managed to send them back to their dimension. when they all ran into the portal. They function as a pack. If one of them changes direction they all do.”

“What about the one Spike brought down?” Anya pointed out.

They all paused.

“He said he‘d be right back...” Buffy said.

**********************************

Spike ran, chasing the shape through the woods. The thing was damn fast, and much more nimble than the others, dodging trees and jumping over rocks with ease. It was starting to get irritating.

It was even more irritating when it suddenly disappeared. Poof. Gone. He was looking right at it when it happened, too.

Spike skidded to a stop. He didn’t know what had just happened, but he wasn’t such a fool as to not immediately realize he’d been had. “Balls.”

Someone walked out of the woods towards him, blonde hair easily visible in the dark. Spike squinted slightly. “What...?”

It smirked, brow cocked mockingly. The wind picked up and sent its leather coat flapping about its knees sharply.

Spike tilted his head, staring.

The figure titled his head too.

Spike raised an eyebrow.

The twin raised his.

“Bugger this...” Spike growled and vamped out, more than a little concerned when the mirror image did the same.

They both went back to human faces.

Spike took a step forward. “Bloody hell, where did you come from?” He reached out to grab him but the sudden jolt of the cow prod froze him in a clenching agony. He dropped like a stone.

“Told you it’d work.” Warren stepped out from the trees, grinning like a kid at Christmas.

Spike groaned.

“You sure he’s helpless?” Andrew snuck over and hid behind the Spikebot, close. Just in case. Mmmmm, leather-smell. “What if he gets up and bites us?”

“He can’t, remember? Chip. Plus...” Warren walked over to Spike and nudged at him with his toe. “See? Helpless as a newborn babe. This thing packs a wallop.”

The Spikebot knelt down and stared at Spike, head cocked inquisitively.

“They do look like a perfect match, don’t they? I am a genius!” Warren grinned, pleased.

Andrew came over and made a big show of looking from Spike to Spikebot, hand resting on his chin thoughtfully. “Well, I don’t know...we can’t be absolutely positive unless...” He trailed off.

“Unless?” Warren came up beside him.

Andrew shook his head, wearing his most innocent face. “Unless we do a full body comparison. We could start with the pants...”

Warren stared at him, looking both annoyed and confused.

“What?” Andrew called as he walked away from him. Warren ignored him. “Ok, just the pants then...”

“Shut up,” Warren said, pushing the wheelbarrow. “Just shut up and help me load him in.”

“You’re always telling me to shut up,” Andrew said, hurt.

“You’re always saying stupid things. You know we need to get Spikebot into position. Now, grab his feet.”

They each took a side and strained, trying to lift the limp Spike into the wheelbarrow.

“God, what does this guy eat?” Andrew panted, straining.

“People.” Warren’s face was beet red from effort. “Well, he used to.”

They grunted, barely managing to lift him an inch off the ground, then gave up, gasping heavily.

“Again!” Warren ordered, giving a mighty heave.

Andrew wheezed.

Spike lifted an inch and a half before they collapsed again.

“This is going to take all night.” Andrew was bent over, hands resting on his thighs, breathing like he’d just run a marathon.

“Yeah, I don’t know how we’re going to get him to the van...” Warren trailed off. Spikebot was standing right next to him, silent. “Uh. Yeah. Spikebot, carry Spike to the van.”

Spikebot bent and carried him in his arms effortlessly.

“So strong,“ Andrew said admiringly. Spike’s head lolled against Spikebot’s chest, making Andrew’s eyes mist. Oh, to be that lucky.

“Come on.” Warren pushed the wheelbarrow back to the side of the road where the Van of Evil was parked.

Spikebot laid his twin inside then struck a pose in the wind, thumbs tucked into his waistband, turning just so to make his duster flap. Andrew stared appreciatively.

“Spikebot...” Warren gestured to the wheelbarrow still beside the van. Spikebot grabbed it and threw it inside carelessly, making Warren freak. “Watch it! My Mom’ll kill me if that thing gets dented! She needs it to plant her award-winning Glads.”

Spikebot sneered.

“Look, you need to get to Buffy’s,” Warren said, opening the driver’s side door. “Start Phase Three B. Mwah ha ha ha haaa!” He practiced his Evil Laugh a bit, throwing his head back.

“Bwah ha ha ha!” Andrew joined in.

Warren frowned. “No, not ‘bwah ha ha’, it’s ‘mwah ha ha!’ Try it again.”

Andrew nodded. “Hwa ha ha haaaaaaaa......” he trailed off at the look of disgust on Warren’s face. “What?”

“Forget it.” Warren closed the van door. “Get in, we have to get Spike chained up before he comes to.”

Andrew jumped inside and the van sped off, leaving Spikebot alone for the first time.

He grinned, tongue against his teeth in a way that was damn sexy, according to his programming, and started walking with long, manly strides, admiring how cool his boots looked with each step he took.

Before long he was there.

Spikebot looked up at Buffy’s window. The light was on. He smirked evilly and started up the walk.

“Cor! I’m the Big Bad! Gonna go sup at My Queen’s sweet chalice!”

Chapter 4:

DISCLAIMERS: Dear Diary, Why won’t Joss call me? Does he like that Captain Suspenders guy from his stupid cowboy spaceshow more than me?? I think he’s gonna go do a movie with him. SOB. How can I compete with a guy that says ‘ain’t’ all the time? It’s not fair. I wish my breasts were bigger. Then Joss would date me. He’s so hot!

THANKS: I can’t say it enough, but if it weren’t for the amazing little bit my fics wouldn’t be half as funny as they are. The things she comes up with! She really is the best beta a girl could ask for. WE have two special beta guests today as well, the lovely and delightful Kes, and the delightful and lovely Devil Piglet. Thanks ladies! You are delovely!

WHO’S ON FIRST?: Okay, so, the Scoobies defeated the bad demon guys, never suspecting that Warren and Andrew had planned the whole thing in an elaborate scheme to kidnap Spike. Buffy was hurt during the chase. Tara was hurt while chanting, but she’s okay. The Scoobies took her to the hospital, and Buffy went home, thinking she’d meet up with Spike when she got there. Little does she know that the evil Spikebot is on the way to see her! What happens next, dear readers? Well, tune in. Now!

********************

Buffy’s breath hissed through her teeth as she finished binding the deep slash in her side. The little voice in her head told her stitches were needed, but Buffy ignored that voice and stuck a piece of tape over the gauze instead. Stupid voice. She was the Slayer. She had super healing powers. She’d be fine in a day.

Buffy groaned, gingerly pulling off her torn, bloody, used-to-be-her-good-luck-and-was-kinda-pricey shirt. It had been a while since she’d been hurt this badly while fighting. The cut stung, but not as much as her pride did. She reached down for the blood-soaked towel on the floor and froze, hand clutching her ribs. Okay, I take that back. The cut hurts more than the pride. Way more. On a scale of one to ten? A million. Stupid demon. I hope you’re miserable back in your own dimension.

She frowned and made herself stand up, ignoring the burning and throbbing coming from beneath the bandage. She was the Slayer, dammit, and no cut was going to slow her down. She could take on anything. If there was a vamp in her room right now, she could slay it. With one hand tied behind her back. And her eyes closed. And, and…

. …this hurts.

Buffy sat down. Her cut stung.

The tiny noise by her bed made her leap up, pain forgotten, stake in her hand. Spike stood there, head cocked to one side.

“Spike!” Buffy sighed and sank back onto the bed and closed her eyes. Her side was on fire. “You’re quieter than a mouse, sneaking in like that.” When he didn’t move she looked up at him and frowned. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Spikebot stared at Buffy, clad in only her panties and bandages, a leer on his face.

Program 12: Seduction Target: Buffy Summers (The Slayer)

-Cor

“Cor! Blimey Buffy, you’ve got a real set on you!” His gaze slid over her chest appreciatively.

Buffy paused, not sure how to answer. “Um…thanks?” She looked down at herself and picked at the gauze. A set? That was so… not charming. Then again, Spike was never charming. “Are you alright? Where did you run off to?”

Spikebot came closer and knelt by her side, putting on his sexiest expression. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the succulent skin before him. “Shall I massage your supple flesh? Shall I let my hands roam over your naked form, molding to your curves, caressing your most sensitive nerves? Shall I worship the temple that is your body? It calls to me. I cannot resist. Cor!”

Buffy opened her mouth. “Uh…yeah. I guess.”

Spikebot leaned closer and stuck his tongue between his teeth. “Shall I lave at your tiny pink rosebuds until they become ripe, red raspberries from my lust?”

“Um…” Buffy shifted. This was getting weird. “Maybe…tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” Spikebot looked crushed. “Tonight I want to dive into your sweet ocean, drown in your sweet juices, sing with your sweet cries of passion!”

Buffy stared. “Honey…” she paused as Spikebot started to kiss at her toes. “Um…Spike? That’s really nice and all, but, I uh…I’m just not up for our usual acrobatics tonight. That demon cut right through to the rib bones.”

Spikebot stared at her, confused. “…oi?” He dropped her foot, disappointed. Re-checking his Seduction Keywords, he tried again. “As I gaze upon your silky skin I get such a cockstand!”

“…erm…”

Spikebot threw himself to his knees passionately. “I will do whatever it takes to have but the merest taste of your mysterious cunny! Ask what you will of me! Cor! ”

Buffy’s knees drew together on their own accord. “Well…” She stifled a giggle and pulled her foot away from Spikebot’s eager tongue. “Stop! That tickles. What I really need right now is some more gauze. I’m still bleeding a little, and I’ve used the last of my supply. I don’t want the bed to get stained from my blood in the middle of the night.”

“Blood?” Spikebot drew himself up and struck a sexy, dangerous pose, hands on his hips, duster thrown out behind him. “I drink blood,” he whispered, head tilted, eyes burning with desire. Buffy nodded, torn between enjoying the way his t-shirt stretched across his chest and worrying that her boyfriend was acting like he’d gone insane. “I shall go forth and bring you this gauze you speak of, and then I shall pleasure you until you die from the joy.”

“Great,” Buffy said. Spikebot blew her a kiss and swept towards the door. Opening it, he whirled towards her, making his duster swirl with a flourish.

“I shall return with gauze. Already my manroot hardens from the thought of us in love’s embrace!” he shouted. Buffy winced as her door slammed.

I really hope Mom didn’t hear that. She sighed and tried to get comfortable, rubbing her still-moist toes on her blanket to dry them off. That was just…strange. And Spike never did tell me where he went.

*********************

Spike groaned. His body felt like he’d just gone ten rounds with a Fyarl demon and then, for fun, he’d lain on the highway and had trucks run over him. Surely he hadn’t gotten sauced and tried that again? He went to clutch at his aching head but found he couldn’t move his hand more than an inch. “Bloody…”

He opened his eyes to find himself sitting in a La-Z-boy, trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey. An experimental straining at his bonds revealed that they were strong. Unnaturally strong. He strained harder but they didn’t give at all.

Frustrated, Spike gave up trying to break the ropes and looked around the room, hoping to see something that he could use to free himself. “Well isn’t this interesting,” he muttered, spying the big-screen TV surrounded by Star Trek movies and action figures, the poster of Princess Leia, the piles of computer parts. “This place looks a lot like-“

“Like my old basement before you destroyed it and everything I’d worked for?” Warren asked, coming into the room. “Maybe you remember me.”

Spike looked at him, unimpressed. “Sure, I remember you.” He nodded to the timid blonde guy standing slightly behind Warren. “You, on the other hand, I’ve never seen in my life. I’d remember you.”

“Yeah?” Andrew flushed, pleased.

“Yeah. You’re the kind of bloke I’d have killed slowly while you twisted and screamed like a little girl’s blouse.” Spike slid into game face and snarled evilly, hoping to frighten them into letting him go. Andrew slid further behind Warren.

“Give it up Spike,’ Warren said, coming closer and plopping himself on the large couch across from Spike. “I know you can’t get out of those bonds, I enchanted them myself.” He smirked and folded his arms, looking pleased with himself.

Spike’s face smoothed itself back to normal. “Fine. What do you want?” he asked, bored.

Andrew stepped forward eagerly. “We want to keep you here so the Spi-“ Warren jumped up and hit him on the arm. “Ow! What did you do that for!”

“Shut up!” Warren hissed. “We don’t need him knowing the plan!”

“Well, I thought that it didn’t matter if he knows, if he’s all helpless here anyways,” Andrew said, rubbing his shoulder.

“He doesn’t need to know anything, and that’s final.” Warren said.

“But-“

“No!”

“What if-“

“I said ‘no’!”

“How about if I told him about the-“

“No!”

Spike watched the two of them argue and sighed. His stomach growled. He hadn’t eaten since before he and Buffy had herded up those…wait. Buffy. She’d been hurt. He’d smelled her blood as he’d run off.

Andrew and Warren stopped bickering and looked at Spike, who was once again frantically struggling against his ropes.

“Let me out of this chair you little bastards,” Spike snarled. He had to get to Buffy. “Let me out or I’ll-“

Warren stepped closer, smiling as he watched Spike thrash about. “Or you’ll what? Even if you were free you couldn’t hurt us. We know all about the chip in your head.”

“Yeah? Well, my girl doesn’t have a chip in her head. But when she finds me, and I promise you that she will, she’ll hurt you so badly that you’ll wish she had one.” Spike glared daggers at the two.

Worried, Andrew looked at Warren, who shrugged. “Whatever. Andrew, you’re in charge of watching Spike.”

“Really?” Andrew asked, almost squirming with delight. Warren left, leaving the two of them alone in the basement.

“Untie me and I may let you live,” Spike whispered nastily. Andrew took a step back and shook his head. Spike’s face fell. “Told my girl I’d be right back, I did,” he said, sadly. He had to get out of here. He’d do whatever it took.

Taking a deep breath he looked back up at Andrew who was studying him like he was a bug under a magnifying glass. “What now then?” Spike asked. “You some sort of sadist? Gonna torture me now, are you? Burn me with crosses? Cut at my skin with knives dipped in holy water? Bore me by reading passages out of an Anne Rice novel?”

Andrew gasped, offended. “I wouldn’t do that!” He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. “I thought we’d watch a movie.”

“A movie. You kidnapped me and enchanted some ropes to hold me captive so we can watch a movie together?” Spike groaned as the movie started. “’The Wrath of Khan?’ Why don’t you torture me with sunlight instead?”

“You don’t like Khan?” Andrew asked, shocked. Spike gave him a look.

“Let. Me. Go.” he ordered, pulling against his ropes.

Andrew’s eyes widened at the sight of Spike’s bulging biceps straining against his bonds. “Wow. You must work out.”

Spike paused. “Well yeah, a little. Vamp’s gotta keep himself looking good for his lady.”

Andrew nodded, entranced by the thought of Spike lifting weights. “What kind of working out?”

“Oh you know, the usual. It used to be hunting people, ripping out their throats, feasting on their bloody necks, but then Dru and I broke up…and Buffy, she’s not so much into the killing and maiming of humans. Plus, there’s the chip. Oh…and it’s uh, you know, wrong to kill people for sport. Or…uh, at all.”

“Wait, you went out with someone named Dru?” Andrew asked. “What was she like?”

Spike shrugged. “A bit touched in the head, you know?” He sat up straight and warmed to his subject as he started into the tale of how they’d eaten an entire village of pygmies that time in Africa, a wistful expression on his face. Andrew nodded, hanging on every word, Khan playing in the background.

***********************

Spikebot strode down the street, frowning. Gauze. Where would he find this thing that would make his Lady Love give him her sparkling nectar? Who would have it?

A vampire stood in the shadows ahead of him, fangs buried in his struggling victim’s neck. Spikebot walked up to them and the vamp snarled, still drinking.

“Get lost Spike, this one’s mine,“ he mumbled around the pale neck. “You can go fuc-gahrrrrrlll…” he choked as Spikebot grabbed him by the throat and he let go of the girl, who fell to the ground, sobbing. Spikebot ignored her, pulling the terrified vampire further into the shadows.

“What the hell are you doing, Spike?” The vampire clawed at the hands around its throat. “I know you’ve been hanging with the Slayer, but we’re old gambling buddies, you wouldn’t hurt an ol-“

Spikebot yanked him close. “Gauze.”

The vamp blinked. “What?”

“Gauze,” Spikebot repeated. “I need it. Give it to me.” He shook the vampire for emphasis, ignoring the small drops of blood that flew about as he did. “I need to sup at my sweet baby’s thighs, and I can only do this if I have gauze.”

“You need gauze to get it up?” the vampire asked, confused. Shifting into gameface, Spikebot squeezed tighter and it panicked. “Okay, okay! Hold on! No need to get violent!”

Spikebot paused. “You have gauze?” he asked coolly.

“No, but-“

Spikebot squeezed once, hard, and the ashes drifted over his arm as the vamp’s head separated from its body. Annoyed at the lack of information, he stepped towards the still-sniffling girl, who took one look at his face and squealed loudly, scrambling away. Spikebot’s eyes followed her as she ran, noticing a slightly dirty but well-lit building off in the distance. A figure strode out the glass door and Spikebot’s programming kicked into gear.

Spikebot smiled evilly and crossed the street.

***********************

The trip to the ER had been uneventful and time consuming and there had been a serious lack of any kind of sexy girl-girl bonding. Not like Xander had expected there to be sexy nuzzling or kissing while Tara sat there, holding the scarf to the cut on her head with one hand, the other twined with Willow’s. But was it too much to ask that there would be some later on, with Tara all hopped up on pain meds and Willow weak with relief as the doctor announced Tara’s clean bill of health? He’d watched them hug each other happily, waiting breathlessly for the kiss that never came. Instead it was all sweet smiles and squeezes as they walked out, arms around each other. Xander had the eerie feeling that Anya could read his mind, seeing as she’d rolled her eyes at his whispered suggestion that she spend the night and told him she would leave him alone with his lesbian fantasies and sleep in her own bed tonight, not because she had any problem with lesbian fantasies, but because she had to get up very early to dust. Also, she was a little bit jealous. The fact that she said this loudly in Giles’ car while they all drove back was enough for him to not debate the subject as Giles turned sharply down her street and braked hard in front of her apartment. No one said a word as Anya stepped out, slamming the door in Xander’s face as he leaned forward to kiss her goodnight. The embarrassed silence continued all the way back to Xander’s.

Xander was too restless to sleep, torn between lesbian fantasies and Anya fantasies and Anya/lesbian fantasies, so he’d dressed and gone for a walk in search of some manly things to do. Being unable to find something manly to do at 3 AM, he’d instead headed for the nearest place that sold snacks. And that’s how Xander Harris found himself in front of a Seven-11 drinking a Super Mega Gulp and eating a bag of Doritos when Spike walked up and made the Anya situation the least uncomfortable thing to happen to him that night.

“Xander,” Spikebot smirked, “Fancy meeting you here. Cor!”

Xander groaned. “It really is my lucky day. What brings the Unholy Undead to this part of town? Busy hunting demons?”

Spikebot paused, going over the recording of the vampire’s dusting. “Yes.”

“Well, don’t let me slow you down,” Xander said, hoping Spike go and leave him to the misery that was his life. Leave him to his misery and his Doritos and his Super Mega Gulp. And why was Spike standing so close to him with that weird expression on his face? He took a sip and backed away. Spike followed him, lips pursed. The hell?

“I need gauze,” Spikebot said, running his hands over his belly, smoothing his shirt over his abs. “Cor!”

Xander’s eyes followed and slid away. He took another drink. “Gauze? Why? Is Buffy alright?”

Spikebot nodded. “Yeah, she’s fine. And as soon as I return to her with this gauze she’ll be fantastic.” His voice lowered conspiratorially. “Gauze gets her hot.”

“Add that to the list of things I never needed to hear you say.” Xander winced, wishing he didn’t have a picture of that in his head now. “Go, go get your gauze or first-aid kit or whatever you need..” He motioned towards the store with the Doritos bag and ate a few, ignoring the way Spike was wetting his lips and staring at him.

“I can get gauze here? In this…first-aid kit?” Spikebot asked, pleased. He filed this important information away in preparation of fulfilling his primary objective and ran another of his programs.

Program 28: Seduction Target: Xander Harris

-Cor

“Xander,” Spikebot tilted his head, eyes hot. “I’d love to lick the nacho cheese powder off your voluptuous curves. Cor!”

Xander paused, Doritos halfway to his mouth. “Hey! Curves? Hello, this is all muscle, pal!”

Spikebot nodded and curled his tongue. “I’m sure you have a huge muscle.” He stepped closer again, making Xander stumble back in retreat.

“Uh-“

“Xander,” Spikebot purred, “Are you afraid of me?”

Xander scoffed weakly. “What? Afraid?” His back hit the wall of the Sev and he let out a little squeak.

“You know I can’t hurt you,” Spikebot whispered, leaning in. Xander stared at him, eyes wide. “Why are you so nervous?”

“Okay, this? This is a little, uh…” Spikebot sniffed at his neck and he froze.

“Sexy?” Spikebot asked against his ear.

“Gay,” Xander finished. “The joke’s over, alright? Back off or I’ll stake you.”

Spikebot smiled into Xander’s eyes. “Mmmm…stake me will you? I’d like that. Stake me with your hot manroot! Cor!”

Xander dropped his food and shoved at him. It was like trying to shove a wall. “Get off!” he said, hoping against hope that Spike wouldn’t see how erect he was. Stupid penis. Stop it! This is Spike for God’s sake.

“That’s right Harris,” Spike grabbed his hands and pinned them. “I want to get you off. I want to make you so…” he slipped a hand down and squeezed. “…hard.”

This is so not right. Spikebot’s hand massaged expertly, making him gasp. This is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong-oh! That was...wow. No! Think of something unsexy. Principal Snyder in a thong, Principal Snyder in a thong, Principal Snyder in a th-Spikebot licked at Xander’s neck hungrily and he arched into it, sighing, mind abandoning all thoughts of anything but how good Spike was at this, how hot it was, how perfect Spike’s hand felt on his cock as he rubbed him through the thin material of his pants. No handjob had ever felt like this. He knew he was straining out of his underwear; all it would take was a simple flick of the wrist and Spike would be touching him.

Lips hovered near his and he shivered at the thought of kissing him. Kissing another guy. NO. Not a guy. Spike. This is Spike. I don’t want to kiss Spike. I don’t. He wanted to kiss him. God, did he want to kiss him.

Spike let go of his hands and Xander grabbed at his duster and pulled him closer, lips close to his, almost brushing, almost kissing. Almost.

“Do you want me Harris?” Spike whispered, his mouth so close. “Do you want me to kiss you? I want to kiss you and taste you and feel you in my hand, your hot…hot…hot skin in my hands while I rub you and jerk you off, while I make you moan and beg for more. Do you want me to do that? I can make you come so hard…” Spikebot yanked and Xander’s pants no longer had a functioning button or zipper, his hand touching bare skin now. Xander’s knees buckled.

“God!” He shuddered, hands sweaty against the leather as he held on for dear life, feeling like he’d come at any moment.

“Do you want it?” Spikebot whispered again. He licked at Xander’s lips, making him gasp. “That’s right Harris, feel it.” He leaned the fraction closer and kissed him, tongue deep in Xander’s mouth, and stroked hard. Xander shook.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod…Xander pumped against Spikebot. It was incredible. He tore his mouth away and looked at him. “I want it,” he whispered harshly, and went to kiss him again but Spikebot pulled away, grinning. Xander stared, panting. “What…”

Spikebot didn’t say a word, just spun away on one heel and went into the store. Xander stood there, trembling with arousal, and watching as Spikebot nicked a First-Aid kit and walked back out. Spikebot stopped before him looking cool as a cucumber, not a single blonde hair out of place. They stared at each other in silence and then he was gone, duster flowing as he walked away, leaving Xander standing there in a pool of spilled Super Mega Gulp and crushed Doritos.

“This has been one really crappy night.”

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