Ninth. The map of honor

Reputation is what other people know about you.
Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign

I am grateful, you know,
for the ill-conceived and high-handed attempt
to defend my honor although I didn't want you to.
Inara, Firefly, Episode I



Next week was Thanksgiving. Hard to believe so much time had passed. It was the strangest time of her life. The days were endless, excruciatingly long, dragging on to the point of making her scream, lasting forever and yet the weeks flew by quickly.

There hadn’t been any word from Riley either, not that Buffy had been expecting any, but some explanation of that stuff with his father would have been nice. But there was nothing. No word, no phone call. Not even a glimpse of him in the hallways. Which really sort of suited her just fine. She didn’t need him. Didn’t even really want him anymore. It just would have been nice to have someone she could lean on, someone to be there for her, someone more than just her mom.

And that too had been weird. Well, her mom’s behavior anyway. She’d been out of town again for another buying trip, but she was being nice to her. Almost too nice. They had even bonded some during Buffy’s first real doctor’s appointment, both of them crying when the baby’s heartbeat filled the room, magnified by the ultrasound.

Hey baby, what about Zoe? Wanna be a Zoe? Hhhmmm? Or what about Sara? Or Brandy? Like any of those? Do you? C’mon baby, gotta have a name. Can’t call you baby all the time. Buffy smiled, thinking about the movie Dirty Dancing and how everyone had called the girl Baby, even though her name had been Frances. Oh! Frances? Oh never mind, don’t really like Franny. Wrinkling up her nose, Buffy continued to flip through the baby name book Willow had given her.

She was sitting in the courtyard again, waiting for Willow and Xander to come and get her so they could head out to lunch, just enjoying the sunshine and trying to find a name. There was a cheerleaders meeting after school, but Buffy knew she wasn’t going. They’d removed her from the squad – ok, they’d asked her not so nicely to step down and the rest of the girls were picking her replacement today.

Wiping a tear from her eyes, Buffy decided she wasn’t going to get upset about it anymore. None of the girls talked to her anyway, so it wasn’t that big a deal. Yeah, okay. Right. It still hurts. Even Cordelia’s halting apology two days ago still hurt, but she at least had made the effort. None of the others had.

Oh baby, we can rule out Brunhilda or Bohumila. Not going there at all. A noise, a really loud Xander sounding noise caught her attention and Buffy got up to see what was wrong. Xander had his back to her, his fist lifted and he was looking down at someone. Buffy moved closer and his name was out of her mouth before she realized it.

“Riley?”

**********************************************************************************

Xander and Willow had gotten caught going the wrong way, hundreds of kids heading in the direction away from the courtyard were streaming through the hallways like salmon swimming upstream. Grabbing her hand and tugging her behind him, Xander tried blocking his way through.

They hadn’t made it very far when he stopped dead, Willow plowing into his back. “Xander? Why’d you stop?”

“Staying out of the way of pond scum.” Xander’s voice was overly loud and several passing students craned their heads to see what he was talking about.

Willow peered around his side, spying Riley and a couple of other people standing in the hallway. “Oh. C’mon Xander, let’s go.”

But Xander had seen something Willow hadn’t, which was Riley’s arm slung casually around Harmony’s shoulders. Which sort of more than pissed Xander off.

It was the first time Xander had seen the other teen since Buffy had told them about the Finn’s generous offer. That alone was enough to shred his temper. But seeing Harmony and Riley all cutsie? Too much. Buffy was like his sister – he loved her the way he loved Willow and this just was wrong. So he got mad.

“Gee. Got yourself a new girl real quick. Guess we know how much of a stand-up guy you are.” Not taking his eyes from a suddenly glowering Riley, Xander addressed his next comments to the blond bimbo by his side. “Harm, you better hope you never need Riley to defend you or you know, stand by you when things get rough, coz, hey, Riley doesn’t have the balls to stick around longer than the time it takes to zip his pants.”

A chorus of groans and laughter filled the hallway and there were some high fives for Xander from some of the spectators, but Xander didn’t waste any time resting on his laurels, he was too angry for that. “But really, you won’t have to worry about that, coz, Daddy Finn will just write you a check for your troubles.”

Riley dropped his arm from around Harmony, dumped his backpack on the floor and charged at Xander. Driving the slightly smaller teen backwards, Riley pushed him out through the door to the courtyard.

Willow panicked and somehow got separated from Xander, ending up down the hallway just outside the teacher’s lounge. As luck would have it, the first face she saw was a friendly one.

“Mr. Stevenson? Xander. Riley.” Was all she managed to stutter out, but he understood her completely.

“Where?” And following her pointed finger and the now audible sounds of a scuffle, Will headed off in the direction of the courtyard at a rapid pace, Willow on his heels.

Xander, recovered from Riley’s push, was back on his feet and had rocked Riley off his with a solid right punch to the jaw.

Riley was on his ass, long legs splayed out in front of him, blinking his eyes rapidly trying to relieve the pain from Xander’s punch when Buffy’s voice broke through the noise of twenty or so kids that were surrounding them.

“Riley? Xander?” She looked from one to the other, both boys breathing heavily. “What’s going on?”

“Buff? Move back, just get outta the way.” Xander didn’t exactly tell her what was going on, but then he figured she could easily guess.

“Don’t do this, he’s really not worth it. C’mon Xand, please?” She went to grab his arm, but Xander flinched away, stepping around her to face Riley, who was back on his feet. Xander turned slightly to tell Buffy to get out of the way, his attention momentarily off Riley; and the other teen punched him in the side of his head, then followed up with another blow to his gut. Xander hunched over, then forcibly pushed Buffy out of the way and into someone else’s arms.

She barely had time to register that it was Mr. Stevenson before he too was pushing her aside, into the arms of Cordelia and Willow, who both moved her out of the way.

Xander had rammed into Riley’s gut, like the linebacker he was and once more knocked him down; followed up by a series of punches that would have done Joe Frazier proud. Someone pulled Xander off Riley and Forrest hauled Riley to his feet.

Oz had Xander by the arm while Forrest held back Riley, who was still trying to break free and get to Xander. It was into this circle that Mr. Stevenson stepped, his voice calm and his eyes moving between the two sets of teenaged boys. “Calm down boys. Let’s just all calm down.”

Xander wiped some snot and blood away from his nose, his eyes trained on Riley, who was bleeding from a cut over his eye and another on his temple.

Knowing he’d gotten the better of the taller teenager, Xander sneered at Riley, ready to mouth off some more. Xander watched as Riley shook off Forrest’s hold charging toward him.

What happened next had Xander blinking in astonishment; as Riley tried to make it past Mr. Stevenson, the English teacher calmly lifted his fist and slammed it into Riley’s jaw, effectively poleaxing him. Riley Finn went down to his knees in a heartbeat and then Stevenson had him in a choke hold.

“Told you to stop Finn. Better learn how to follow orders.” Stevenson’s voice was a low growl, raising the hairs on the back of Xander’s neck.

“Some people really have to learn the hard way.”


**********************************************************************************

Buffy saw Riley nearly sucker punch Xander and then hit him again and then she was held tight in someone’s arms, hugged and shoved away into Cordelia’s arms and then Willow was there and the tears were falling and she really didn’t know why.

Through her tears she realized it had been Mr. Stevenson who had hugged her and pushed her out of the way, because he was standing between the boys, saying, “Let’s just all calm down.”

For half a minute everyone was calm, the boys breathing heavily then Riley got away from Forrest and started to charge at Xander, but Mr. Stevenson lifted his fist and knocked the bigger teen off his feet.

Mr. Stevenson stepped behind Riley, getting him in a choke hold and said in a chilling voice, “told you to stop Finn. Better learn how to follow orders.” When Riley bucked up against him, trying to break his hold, Stevenson ground out, “some people really have to learn the hard way.”

Buffy held onto Willow and Cordelia, crying softly, her hiccups the only sound in the suddenly silent courtyard. Stevenson’s head popped up, searching around for the source. Finding the three girls and the visibly upset blond one, Will jumped to the conclusion that she’d somehow gotten hurt. His hold on Finn tightened and his temper flared again.

“Take her to the nurse.” Looking at Xander, who was quietly standing two feet away, trying to stop the flow of blood from his nose, Will made another decision. “Go with them Harris. Then get yourself to Giles’ office.”

Easing off Riley, Will stepped back, but not before digging his thumb into the side of Riley’s neck. “Get to your feet, Finn.”

Standing between Riley Finn and his former girlfriend and her friends, Will fought a grim sense of satisfaction.


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Cordelia walked beside the two girls, not really listening to their hushed and tear-filled conversation. Her attention was on the figure walking on her other side, slightly ahead of her, his head bent and shoulders in a defensive slouch.

Her hand on his arm startled him and Xander flinched away from her, but Cordelia just sort of smiled at him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Just a bloody nose.” Xander shrugged off the purple knot on his cheek, dismissing it completely. “No big deal.”

Surprising both of them, Cordelia argued with him, “it was a big deal. That was really sweet what you did. Not very smart, but sweet.”

Xander’s step faltered and he looked at her. “Thanks Cordy. I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Yeah well, don’t get used to it.” She retorted, sweeping past him into the nurse’s office.


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Once more, Riley Finn found himself cooling his heels outside Assistant Principal Rupert Giles’ office, awaiting sentence. This is not good. So not good. My father is going to kill me. West Point – oh god, what the hell is gonna happen. It wasn’t my fault, though. It really wasn’t. Xander started this whole thing. I was minding my own business. I was.

His lip was bleeding and he could feel the trickle of blood from a couple of cuts on his face. His head hurt and his knuckles were scraped and sore and the spot on his belly where Xander had head-butted him hurt like hell; but those were the very least of his worries.

There was real danger of his appointment being withdrawn. So the sick feeling in his belly had nothing to do with the fight, instead having everything to do with seeing all his dreams crumble to dust.

Mr. Stevenson was behind closed doors with Mr. Giles and Riley knew he was about to get hit with his second suspension in less than a month.


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Taking one look at the four teens in front of her, knowing one of them was pregnant and also knowing they were all friendly, Brandy West, school nurse, quickly put two and two together.

Hustling Willow and Buffy into the screened off area, Nurse West focused on Xander. “Sit down Harris.”

Gently but firmly tending to his nose, she said matter of factly, “its not broken but you’re sporting some pretty bruises.” Handing him an ice pack, she continued, “get that on your face and tilt your head back. I’m going to pinch your nose until the bleeding stops.”

Nodding his acceptance, Xander waited, forcing away a surprised smile when Cordelia slipped her hand into his.

**********************************************************************************

Will was pacing back and forth from one end of the office to the opposite, his temper momentarily beyond control.

Giles sat on his desk, knowing that giving his nephew a few moments was the best course of action. Normally he was a fairly mild mannered person, but when he got angry, Will’s temper was deadly and had been a cause of much alarm when he was younger.

At the moment, Will wasn’t entirely sure what was fueling his current temper. He’d guessed earlier, remarking so to his uncle one night when they were working late, it would only be a matter of time before Harris and Finn came to blows, and he’d been correct. Wasn’t hard to spot, Harris was constantly shadowing Buffy, shielding her from the more harsh comments and stares as much as he could.

Buffy. She’d been there. Oh shit. “Have you got enough? Finn’s outside. I’ll go get Harris.”

Before Giles could say anything, Will was gone, stalking out of the office.

Giles sat there for another few moments, trying to make sense of what just happened.

Opening his door, Giles motioned Riley inside.


**********************************************************************************

Buffy was lying on her side, her eyes lightly closed, just listening to the sounds of movement in the outer office. Willow and Cordelia had been sent onto their classes, so both she and Xander were alone. She was drifting, just sort of floating when there was a different noise in the outer room and she could just make out the sound of voices.

**********************************************************************************

Will got Sara Logan to cover his English class for him, then headed for the nurse’s office.
His first sight was Xander sitting on a chair, head back, ice pack over one eye. “How’re you feeling Harris?”

“Not so good. Feel like I went ten rounds with a bull.” Laughing a bit, he continued, “but other than that I’m good.”

Will smiled despite the fact Xander couldn’t see him. His smile disappeared however, as he realized that Xander Harris, along with Riley Finn was about to be suspended for fighting. “You’ll be suspended.”

“Yeah I know. That’s okay.” More than resigned to his fate, Xander shrugged from behind the towel covering his face. “I’ll survive.”

“When you’re done here you have to head to Mr. Giles’ office.” Will patted his shoulder then moved away to find Nurse West.


**********************************************************************************

There was a soft knock on the wall beside the closed curtain. Buffy mumbled something and whoever it was slid aside the curtain then stood beside her bed.

A strong hand ran down her hair, over her shoulder, then tugged at the blanket she had let fall, pulling it up over her. A sniffle escaped her and Buffy hoped whoever it was would jsut leave her alone because it wasn’t someone she . . wasn’t him.

“Buffy? Are you okay?”

Disbelieving at first it was him, she didn’t look up until he said her name again.

She stared up at him, tears pooling in her big green eyes and Will could only gather her up into his arms.


 

Tenth. Conversations kill

Kind words can warm for three winters,
while harsh words can chill even in the heat of summer.
Chinese proverb

The most loving parents and relatives commit
murder with smiles on their faces.
They force us to destroy the person we really are:
a subtle kind of murder.
Jim Morrison, In Their Own Words: The Doors



Buffy found out later that both Xander and Riley got suspended for three days each. It was hours later, after she got home and Willow called her to talk and she’d dished all the gossip about what had happened after Buffy was sent home. It wasn’t hard to guess though, because they had been fighting and the school had a strict policy about fights. But what surprised her about the whole thing was what happened after.

Mr. Stevenson had held her for a long time, letting her cry on his shoulder, neither one of them saying a word. When the bell rang signaling class change, Mr. Stevenson had kissed the top of her head, letting her go. Just like that. And he’d never said a word.

Her mind had been blissfully blank for the rest of the day, afraid to think about what had happened that afternoon between the two of them. She was home now, lying on the couch watching Oprah gush to some celebrity, but her thoughts were miles away.

It was so sweet – oh god baby, he just let me cry and he held me. Took care of mommy. He was . . . god he smells sooo good. Really good. I could have stayed like that for hours.

A deep sigh shook her. Oh well. He doesn’t – okay Buffy, just stop it. He does – he cared enough to just stay and hold you so he cares. Just a little, which is really nice. Her mind drifted off into daydreams, imagining the baby in her belly wasn’t unwanted, that baby had a mommy and a daddy that wanted her.

The phone ringing broke into her reverie and Buffy finally picked it up. “Hey Buffster, feeling any better?”

She laughed a little bit. “Really should be asking you that question Xand. How’s your eye?”

“Looks like a great big purple mountain on my head. Can’t see out of it.” His tone was flip, shrugging off her concern.

“Xand, what you did for me. Thanks.” Buffy really didn’t know what else to say to him.

“He needed his ass kicked. He needs more than that. I just wish I could have really gotten him good.” Xander’s tone of voice grew hard, thinking about how callous and unfeeling Riley was being.

“I know.” There was nothing else she could say about it.

“Buffy? What do you think of Cordelia?”

Well that was an unexpected change of subject. Buffy didn’t know what to say. “Cordelia of the super rich Chases? That Cordelia?”

“Yeah. That one. You know many other Cordelias?”

She laughed again at his sarcasm and Xander smiled. It was good to hear Buffy laugh, because lately there hadn’t been much at all for Buffy to be lauhing about. “She’s not so bad. At least she hasn’t been mean to me. So that’s good.”

Taking the plunge and getting to the real reason why he called, Xander asked, “do you know if she likes me?”

“Xander? Cordy?” It had never occurred to her that Xander and Cordy might be a couple, but that kind of explained some things. “I dunno, Xander, but I guess I could find out.”

Making plans to do that, Buffy hung up the phone and settled down into the couch, falling into a light sleep, dreams of Cordelia and Xander and icy blue eyes.


**********************************************************************************

His phone rang and Will looked up from the truly horrendous papers he was grading, grateful for the interruption.

“‘Lo.” His uncle’s voice filled his ears, and Will laughed when the first word out of the old man’s mouth was “thanks.”

Knowing full well what he was talking about, Will teased him by asking, “for what?”

“You know damned well what I’m thanking you for – don’t play stupid with me.” There was an answering chuckle in his uncle’s tone.

“I know? Really? Gee Rupes, is that gratitude I hear in your voice?” Will was enjoying this, he’d known halfway into their meal that Jenny wasn’t the one for him. Smart, chic, witty and admittedly attractive, Jenny was the kind of woman any man would be happy to have – but, her eyes were brown – not green shot with gold and her hair was dark, not sun-kissed blond. . . and William knew she wasn’t the girl for him.

It had hit him that night on his one and only date with Jenny – in the middle of dinner no less – that the woman he really wanted was still a girl. Still in high school and had sad beautiful green eyes, that pulled him in, kept him prisoner.

Lost in his own thoughts, William completely missed what his uncle was saying. “What’s that?”

“Never mind Will, just wanted to let you know that I’m grateful.” There was real happiness in Rupert’s voice, something Will hadn’t heard in years, not since years before, when his wife Daisy was still around.

“Anytime, Rupes.” And he meant it.

Rupert Giles hung up the phone, and looking at the woman next to him, smiling broadly. “I am grateful.”

“I know. Me too.”

They leaned into each other, their lips meeting in a deep kiss.


**********************************************************************************

Buffy was home alone; Joyce was on another buying trip in New York, and she had just woken up from her later afternoon nap. It was still early, not yet dinner time, but the nap had been so necessary. The emotional turmoil of the day had just gotten to her and after Xander had called, she’d just drifted off into a nice sleep. The phone ringing woke her up fully.

She was used to being alone, didn’t really think anything much about it, in fact it was something she looked forward too. Times like this she was grateful for the reprieve from her mother and never knowing what her parent was going to react negatively too. Some sixth sense told her that she shouldn’t answer this particular phone call. Even as she reached for it, Buffy didn’t want to pick it up.

Maggie Finn’s brusque voice greeted her, with false sincerity warming her tones. Buffy’s radar went on alert, bracing herself for the bad news that was coming.

It didn’t take Riley’s mother long to get to the point. “Buffy, I’d like to ask you a question, actually, a few questions.” The sincerity was gone, replaced with a more business-like timbre.

“I’m sure that’s why you called, so go ahead.” Buffy twirled the phone cord in her fingers, unable to stem the rising agitation.

“My husband and I would like to make you an offer. We’d like to offer you financial support in exchange for something from you.”

Icy hot anger laced with hurt raced through her veins, pooling in her belly. She wants. . . what? I can’t believe this. . . this is ridiculous. Unable to believe this was happening, Buffy stuttered out something that Maggie Finn deliberately misinterpreted the noises Buffy was making as assent and went on talking.

“All you have to do is sign a consent that allows Riley to, well, it would absolve Riley of his parental responsibility” Pausing just a bit, Maggie’s voice just kept going, but Buffy wasn’t listening anymore.

They don’t want us baby – either of us. They wanna give me money so that we won’t . . . oh god, baby. They don’t want either of us. I can’t listen to this. . . I really can’t.

“I can’t. No. Just don’t call me ever again.”

Buffy hung up the phone, tears sliding down her cheeks, her heart broken. Baby girl. . or boy, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe no one but me wants you. But I do. Oh baby, I want you so much. I love you and I’m always going to love you.

The phone rang, interrupting her internal monologue. Without waiting for the person on the other end to start talking, Buffy said, in a voice thick with tears, “No. I’m not going to take your money so Riley can have a clear conscience.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone, then a deep, obviously angry English voice intoned, “please tell me, Buffy, that you didn’t just say what I thought you just said.”

“Mr. S?” Wiping away her tears, Buffy tried to clear her throat.

“Its me. What’s wrong?” He knew there was something wrong, hell you wanker, you calling the girl is wrong, but something else was going on that he didn’t know about, something that would cause her to say what she’d just said.

“Nothing.” If she kept it to one word answers, she could fool him. Maybe. Suddenly, despite wanting deeply to confide in him, Buffy was afraid to say anything. Desperate for some comfort, some one, any one who could just let her rest and protect her, even for just a little while, Buffy let the tears slide down her face.

There was such a long silence on the phone that was so profound that Will swore he could hear the sound of her tears; but Buffy still didn’t speak, she couldn’t. Everything was collapsing, everything was just . . . her breathing hitched and a sob broke from her lips and the damn around her emotions collapsed.

Sobbing uncontrollably, Buffy curled into herself and dropped onto her knees.


**********************************************************************************

Will refused to think about his actions or assign them a value. Couldn’t allow himself to think what he was doing was wrong. All he allowed himself to think of was that Buffy needed him and he’d understood from some of her sobbing that no one was home with her, wouldn’t be home for days.

He couldn’t leave her like that. Refused to leave her in that condition by herself. Driving faster than he should, Will made it to Buffy’s in less than ten minutes.


**********************************************************************************

There was nothing but tears. She was hot and cold at the same time, tremors wracking her thin frame and her nose was streaming. Buffy couldn’t . . . there were only the tears, the salty slickness running down her cheeks.

No one was there to hold her. No one. No one loved her. No one wanted her. The only person was baby. . . baby loves mommy. And mommy loves baby. That was it. It was just the two of them.


**********************************************************************************

The front door was locked, so Will didn’t bother ringing the bell or knocking, he just went around the back to the kitchen door. Peering inside he didn’t see Buffy at first and he fought a bit of panic until he heard her loud sniffling. She was huddled almost in a ball, her head down on her knees, arms curled around her legs.

Prepared to break the glass of the windows, Will turned the knob, surprised when the door opened.

And then he was beside her, gathering her up into his arms, her head cradled against his chest, her tears soaking his dark shirt.

 

Eleventh. Talk to me while I’m listening

Do not seek to bring things to pass in accordance with your wishes,
but wish for them as they are, and you will find them.
Epictetus, Enchiridion, VIII

It is hard to contend against one’s heart’s desire;
for whatever it wishes to have it buys at the cost of soul.
Heraclitus, quoted in Hippocrates, On The Universe, aph. 105

But there’s nothing half so sweet in life
As love’s young dream.
Thomas Moore, Love’s Young Dream

And when once the young heart of a maiden is stolen,
The maiden herself will steal after it soon.
Thomas Moore, Ill Omens




It took her a long time to realize that she wasn’t alone, that what she’d been praying for was real; that it wasn’t her imagination conjuring up someone to hold her. It took her even longer to realize that the arms holding her belonged to Will Stevenson.

When the tears stopped, Buffy found herself curled up in the arms of her English teacher, her head on his shoulder tucked under his chin, one hand curled on his opposite shoulder, the other between them.

The sur-reality of the situation struck her as being close to funny and Buffy let loose a watery giggle. Will looked down at her, and while he was happy the tears had stopped, there was a slightly hysterical note to the laugh that he didn’t like.

“You okay, sunshine?” His voice was a soft rumble against her ear and she drew in a shaky breath, closing her swollen eyes.

“Sorta. I think.” She moved a little, letting her trapped arm circle around his waist.

His arms were around her and she sighed again. “Buffy, its okay if you aren’t.” His right hand settled on her shoulder and Buffy realized they were sitting on the floor of the kitchen.

“She wants me to agree to. . . to release Riley from his parental rights – wants to offer me money for it.” She picked her head up away from his chest as her agitation grew, then she ran out of steam and dropped her head back down onto his chest.

What the bloody hell? Okay, so it wasn’t an ideal situation, but signing away all parental rights? Giving the girl money so that she would basically go away and there would be no responsibilities for Riley? No support from his family? What kind of people were those Finns? What kind of woman wanted no part of her grandchild?

He didn’t know what to say. There weren’t really any words he could use to convey the anger and disappointment he felt on her behalf. What could he say? Will heard her hiccuped breathing and he realized he was completely and totally at a loss. He had no clue what to do for her other than just hold her and let her cry.

So he did.


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They were quiet for a very long time, Buffy’s tears long dried up. The occasional sound of a car passing or a dog barking seemed so far away, nothing penetrating the bubble they occupied.

Buffy had to pee and her belly was cramping from hunger. She had no idea how long they’d been sitting on the floor of her mother’s kitchen. She was trying to figure out how to tell him she was really hungry when her belly growled loudly.

A giggle escaped her and he shifted a bit. Buffy got to her feet, looked at him sitting there and shyly asked him, “have you eaten dinner?”

“No. Was about to get take out but I called here first.” He rubbed a hand over his face, hiding his expression from her. It was just hitting him now how incredibly stupid his actions had been. He was alone with one of his students, in her home. The fact that she was pregnant was secondary. He could be in a world of trouble if anyone were to find out. “I should go. You’re all right, yeah?”

“Um.” Buffy looked away from him, about to speak when the need to relieve herself became imperative. Running for the bathroom, she called out over her shoulder, “don’t leave! Please?!”

He couldn’t answer her. The panic on her face was pretty clear and his worry and concern for her warred with his need to protect himself. Bit late for worrying ‘bout that now. Damage is already done. Can’t get worse than what it already is. Might was well . . .

Buffy was back, chattering at him in her nervousness. “My mom left lots of food, she always does. There’s some lasagna that she made last night. Please stay?”

That last had slipped out in a more desperate tone than she wanted to use with him. She needed the company and if she were honest about it, she wanted him to stay, wanted to be near him.

Will got to his feet, all set to tell her no, he couldn’t stay; had his mouth open and was more surprised than she was when he said, “sounds great. Is there anything you want me to do?”

“Um no. Everything just has to go in the oven to get hot. Mom even left me bread.” She leaned into the refrigerator which Will missed and brought out a fairly large tray of lasagna. “Have you ever had this? Do English people eat the same foods we do?”

Opening the oven for her he said, “almost. Different brands, different names for similar things, but its pretty close.”

“Do you miss England?” Go Buffy, get him talking and keep him occupied, he won’t worry about leaving.

“Sometimes. Don’t miss the weather.” He moved out of her way, sitting at the opposite side of the counter, his eyes following her movements as she put together a salad.

“Is it always cold and rainy like the movies show?” She moved about the kitchen fairly competently, though he could sense her anxiety.

“No.” He laughed and she liked the sound of that. “Not always, but its nothing like Southern California.” He was beginning to guess there was more to this conversation, more she wanted to bring up anyway, so he waited her out.

“When did you come here?” Buffy was chopping carrots now, occasionally popping one into her mouth.

“Mum died when I was in my second year of university. And well, I was living at the school. Giles was here already so I packed up everything she owned and shipped it to him for safekeeping.” He paused, grabbed a carrot stick for himself then munched on it for a while.

“How old were you?” Finished with the carrots, Buffy moved onto cucumbers.

“Seventeen, almost eighteen. Did my leaving certs at sixteen and went straight to university.” He gestured with the remains of the carrot stick.

Oh. Just great Buffy. First Xander and his mother and now Mr. Stevenson and his. Maybe you should not talk to guys at all. The false good mood she’d tried to force herself into started to shatter and Buffy wiped away a few tears. Thing was, she really wasn’t sure who she was really crying for. “I’m sorry.”

Will caught her trying to hide her tears and reaching for her hand, said, “thanks pet. But its okay. Mum. . . she wasn’t really happy after m’father died. I knew that.” And just like that the tears were back. Good job there mate. Not supposed to make the chit cry again.

“Hey. Shhhhhsshhh. Stop that.” Will was on his feet and around the island before Buffy could put down the potato peeler and cucumber. Taking them away from her, Will pulled her into his arms for the third time that day. Bloke could get used to this.

She settled into his arms, letting him hold her again. Okay. Buffy, this is just. . . stop crying. “I’m sorry. I never cry like this. This is so not me.”

“Probably right. Hormones are doing a number on you, that’s all. No worries.” Will kissed the top of her head, then let her go. “Tell you what. Let me finish this and you get the table ready.”

She wiped her eyes, moving away from him, then off into the dining room to get it ready. “Okay.”


**********************************************************************************

She’d put candles on the table.

Will wanted so badly for this to be what she sort of innocently hoped it was, but he couldn’t allow either of them the luxury. Buffy was only seventeen and one of his students. He could be fired just on the hint of impropriety alone. He’d never be able to work in this country again. On the other hand, he didn’t have it in him to be the cause of any more pain for her. Couldn’t tell her it was wrong.

Because most of him wanted it. He didn’t know if this was just an infatuation for her, something good she could focus on while the rest of her life fell apart. For him, it wasn’t infatuation. He’d been struck by her the moment she’d walked into his class. But his mind hadn’t let it be anything more than admiration for her looks, her wit and her ability to breeze her way through, until that night.

That night had changed everything. Some connection between them had sparked to life and flared brighter and burned stronger every single time he saw her. Was it just because she was so lost and alone and he saw in her what his mother had gone through? And though he couldn’t have saved his mother he could save her?

William didn’t know. Almost didn’t want to delve deeper into his reasons – into what it was that drew him to her.

William didn’t care anymore about why. He could worry about why later. Right now he was going to sit down and eat dinner with the girl he was beginning to suspect he loved.

And he did just that.

They talked about everything, his mum, her family, poets, people they knew and liked, and at no point did Will think he was talking to a girl who was ten years younger.


**********************************************************************************

She was setting the table, putting down a tablecloth and getting the silverware and plates out, when she spied the candles. On a partial whim, Buffy put them on the table, then lit them. It was silly, she knew that, but a big part of her wanted to pretend this was real. That she was his and they were together.

He’d stopped in the doorway, the hot pan of lasagna in his hands while his eyes took in the table setting and her. She’d been afraid he was going to tell her not to do this, that it was wrong, but he hadn’t said anything. He’d just kind of shook himself and walked to the table.

Buffy watched him while they talked over dinner, studying the way he moved, the sparkle in his eyes when he got on a subject he was passionate about, or the glitter of sadness when he talked about his mother. Saw too, the sympathy when she talked about her parents, about how her father just abandoned them – and his – he had this tilt to his head when he was just watching her that was just. . . god it was adorable and sexy and Buffy felt like she was flying because his attention was focused solely on her.

She wondered what he was thinking when he did that, because it drove her to distraction, that and. . . his eyes. They changed blues, going from intense and dark to clear and bright depending on his moods.

It was crazy, him being in her house, having dinner with her, but she didn’t care. This was worth all the rest of the craziness that was going on, because this felt good.

She wanted this to be real. Wanted it in a way she’d never wanted anything else. Does he know? Can he tell that its more than a crush? Does he get that?


**********************************************************************************

Will wasn’t sure what they were talking about anymore, he was content just to watch her, to listen to the soft sound of her voice, the flit of her tiny hands as she emphasized some point she was making; the glow of the candlelight on her warm golden skin.

Her eyes sparkled; glittering like emeralds surrounded by wisps of black lashes; they called to him, drawing him in, letting him drown in their depths.

His hands itched to touch her, so instead he fidgeted, moving from one object to the next on the table. Time had ceased passing, crawling to a stop while he catalogued every single nuance of hers, studying her intently.

They’d been talking forever when a yawn escaped her and Will knew it was his cue to leave, because he suddenly knew if he didn’t go soon, he wasn’t going to until morning.

“C’mon. Let’s clean up and then you can lock up after I go.”

Buffy’s face fell and Will cursed his insensitivity. He didn’t want her sad. . . it was much better when she smiled. Scrambling his brain for a way to lighten the mood again, Will quipped, “”m old, sunshine, need m’beauty sleep.”

“Sheyah. Coz you aren’t already gorgeous.” Buffy muttered under her breath as she got to her feet, but there was a smile on her face and it warmed his heart.

“And how d’you think I got this way?” He laughed when she tossed a balled up napkin at him.

They made short work of the clean-up, working together like they’d been doing it for years, and when the last of the dishes was dried and put away, Buffy was yawning widely.

“Sorry. Buffy turns into a pumpkin earlier these days.” They were standing next to each other, at the kitchen counter, Buffy leaning heavily onto it.

“Its all right, kitten. I understand.” Will watched her, part of him very reluctant to leave her alone. “You going to be okay by yourself?”

“Yeah. There’s an alarm I have to set and I’ve got mom’s numbers programmed into the phone.” Buffy wouldn’t look up at him, afraid he would see the wish in her eyes. She didn’t want him to leave.

“‘s’not what I meant.” His voice dropped, sending shivers down her back. He’d moved closer and Buffy swore she could feel his breath on her neck.

“I know.” She whispered softly. “I’ll be okay, I guess.” She stole a glance up at him and froze under the intensity of his gaze.

He wrote something down a napkin, handing it to her. “This is my cell number. I’ll leave it on. If you need me. . . .” His voice drifted off, his eyes focusing on her. God he wanted to kiss her.

“Thanks Will. For everything. For tonight.” Buffy stood straight, hoping he couldn’t see the need for him in her eyes.

“Buffy.” It was just her name but the way he said it made it almost a prayer.

She looked up at him then, her heart in her eyes and he was lost. His hand reached out, tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear and then his thumb was brushing across her soft cheek, ghosting over her lips.

Buffy couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest it felt like thunder. Every hair on her body stood up, every nerve sang at his touch. His eyes were . . . She wanted his kiss. . . wanted him to never stop touching her.

His hand fell away from her face and she wanted to weep at the loss of contact. She must have made some noise because he was rumbling something low in his chest but Buffy didn’t catch the words because he’d stepped closer, his chest nearly touching her and she looked up at him with a pout and Will groaned inwardly and caved. His lips grazed hers and then she was in his arms, his tongue mating with hers, his hands holding her close, his erection hard and pulsing between them.

They kissed forever and for mere seconds. Her arms curled around his head, his around her hips. He stepped closer, forcing her back against the counter, his leg between hers. Will lifted her up, his mouth never leaving hers, setting her on the counter, stepping between her legs. Alarm bells were going off in his brain but Will refused to listen. He didn’t want to stop. This was so bloody. . . the bells were going off, chiming inside his head, and he realized as he came up for air that it wasn’t bells – the phone was ringing.

“Buffy, kitten, the phone. . . . “ Her passion glazed eyes finally focused when her mother’s voice sounded on the answering machine.

“Oh.”

“Buffy. Look at me.” Will couldn’t. He wasn’t going to hurt her by saying this was a mistake, but he couldn’t let it go unremarked either. She surprised him though, beating him to the punch.

“Will? I don’t want to ruin your life too. You should go.” Pausing for a second, she looked away, unable to let him see the pain. “Before we end up doing something stupid.”

Ruin his life? What the hell had been done to this girl? What had everyone been saying to her to make her think that she could ruin anyone’s life? He lifted her chin, saying, “wouldn’t ruin my life, kitten. Not at all.” He kissed her forehead as he walked to the door, saying, “lock up.”

And then he was gone.

Buffy stared at the door for long minutes, completely uncertain about what had just happened. Coming back to herself with a start, Buffy locked up the house and drifted up the stairs to her bed, thoughts of him swirling around inside her head.


**********************************************************************************

Her scent was all over him, tears mixed with vanilla, drowning him in its intensity. Will stood outside her house, watching as the lights slowly went out, waiting until the last one – no doubt her bedroom, stayed on for long minutes. Leaning against his car, he deliberately pushed aside any thought of consequences or fall-out. He didn’t want to think about anything but her. The feel of her, the smell of her. . . everything about her. Will wanted to pretend for just a little bit longer that what they were doing wasn’t wrong. . . because it felt so damned right.

The light went out and still he didn’t leave, his eyes staring up at her window, his mind blank.

 

Twelfth. Hanging by a moment

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
Lifehouse, Hanging by a moment

Oh, why you look so sad?
tears are in your eyes
come on and come to me now
don’t be ashamed to cry
let me see you through
‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
when the night falls on you
you don’t know what to do
nothing you confess
could make me love you less
Pretenders, I’ll stand by you, from the album Last of the Independents



“What in hell were you thinking?” Giles looked at his nephew, disturbed by the implications of what his temper had wrought.

Will sighed heavily, “Actually wasn’t thinking at that moment.” He paced around the office, unwilling to lock eyes with the older man. “Just reacted.”

“Will, that was quite possibly one of the stupidest things you’ve done in a very long time.” Giles watched the other man pace, his hands folded on the desk in front of him. “You’re lucky, so far, that Finn doesn’t exactly remember what happened. As it stands, only Xander Harris mentioned it and he was more impressed than worried.”

Finally looking up at the other man, Will stared at him, unsure of what he was getting at. “What do you mean, only Harris mentioned it?”

“Harris was the only one of the students that mentioned what you’d done. Finn never said a word and the girls, apparently, never saw it. None of the other students mentioned it either.” Giles stared at him over his lenses. “And Harris’ reaction was bordering on awe rather than upset. Rather disturbing.”

Will suppressed a grin, knowing that it wouldn’t go over well with either the administrator or the uncle, but it was a near thing. Harris was a bit of all right, when he wasn’t acting like a total git. “Didn’t really hit the boy anyway. Just kind of lifted my fist and the boy ran into it.”

Giles raised an eyebrow, knowing that Will was playing with semantics and coloring it to make it all better, thereby absolving him of his actions. “You do realize that explanation won’t work if Finn decides to complain.”

Blowing out a deep breath, Will faced the possibility that Finn could cause him a real problem. “Yeah.” He paused, different scenarios running through his mind, disciplinary procedures that Rupert might be forced to employ. “Yeah I know. It wasn’t a smart move.” Will moved to sit against Rupert’s desk, his head bent in contrition. “Temper got the best of me.”

“I thought you had gotten that under control. It’s been a long time since you’ve done something this stupid.” Giles wasn’t going to let this go, because if he did, and Finn complained, then his neck would be on the line also. “You do realize I’m going to have to do something about this.”

Shoving his hand into his pockets, Will kicked a foot back against the desk, looking for all the world like a contrite five-year old. “Yeah. What’ve you decided?”

He really didn’t want to do this, but Will’s actions and the looming threat of a possible complaint from the Finns had forced his hand. “There’s an official reprimand in your personnel file on the way you handled the situation. Its rather vague in the whys and wherefores, but its there.’

“So you didn’t mention Finn running into my fist?” Will fought the small grin that was threatening to break through his features.

“No. I didn’t mention it. Just that your intervention in the altercation between the two boys could have been handled better.”

“Thanks. ‘Preciate the cover-up on my behalf.” Will brushed his fingers through his hair, loosening the curls further, his eyes filled with concern. “Are we done here?”

“Yes Will. Please try and remember you aren’t one of the students, would you? And for the love of god, stay away from Finn.”

**********************************************************************************

She wasn’t in class all week. He’d checked with the attendance office on Tuesday and had been told she hadn’t been in any of her classes. That night he’d driven past her house, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Wednesday night he walked past on his way to and from open mic at the Espresso, despite the fact it was out of his way.

Thursday’s arrival had him thinking about the possibility that he was stalking her when he walked by with the dogs. He was supposed to have dinner with Rupert and Jenny, but he’d begged off, unwilling to be a third wheel. Besides, he wasn’t all that fond of turkey and he’d let his laundry pile up and yeah, he was making excuses, but Will didn’t want to go.

He was drinking coffee, term papers strewn across his dining room table, stereo cranked to the Smiths so that he and Morrissey could be morose together when his cell phone went off. Figuring it was his uncle making one last ditch effort to convince him to have dinner with them, Will flipped it open, saying “no ‘m not gonna change m’mind. Not coming to dinner.”

There was a pause, then a soft female voice said, “I don’t really remember inviting you, and I would’ve but I’m not home this year – maybe next year?”

Will held the phone to his ear, disbelief on his features. “Buffy?”

“Yeah its me.” Her voice was very soft and faint.

“Hang on a minute, pet, gotta turn down the tunes.” Will lowered the volume, then asked, “you okay?”

Silence. There was a sniffle, then more silence. He was about to say something when he heard her breath catch and a soft sob broke through.

“What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, trying to force the lie from her throat, but Buffy couldn’t. “Nothing.” And with that single word her composure broke and the tears were falling freely.

He waited a beat, knowing what he was about to suggest was wrong, but he had no control over himself where this girl was concerned. “Where are you?”

“In Los Angeles with my dad.” Her voice caught on the last word and Will had the sudden impression that she wasn’t telling him everything.

“Where are you?” He glanced at the clock, it was a little past four and he’d been marking papers and writing for the better part of the day. He needed a break.

“I’m not sure.”

That admission got his attention. “What? What the . . . “ he stopped, getting his temper under control. “Buffy, tell me.”

“My dad, he, he threw me out after I told him. He . . . he said I was a stupid selfish little girl who . . who. . . who only thought about herself.” Her hiccups were loud, countered by the softness of her spoken words.

What the fuck? What kind of father says that to his daughter? Will didn’t say anything, holding onto his temper by bare threads.

“Where’s your mum?” Even as he asked, he knew she wasn’t in Sunnydale, probably spending the day with her family.

“At my aunt Darlene’s in Chicago.” Buffy sniffled, then said, “hang on a minute.”

The noise of her inelegantly blowing her nose almost made him smile. There was no other background noise and that bothered him, so when she got back on the phone, Will didn’t waste any time. “Where are you?”

“Not far from my dad’s place – outside the mall.”

Will was putting on his jacket, grabbing his keys from the other jacket and was halfway out the door when he thought to ask, “have you called anyone else?”

“No. I thought about calling my mom but she’s . . there’s nothing she can do to help me. Besides there is no one else. . . I just need someone to talk to until I can, you know, get enough courage to go back there.”

“No.” Will didn’t know what prompted him, but he said, “you stay put. I’ll come get you.”

“Don’t be crazy. I’m like two hours away.”

“Buffy?” He paused, waiting until he had her full attention. “When did your father toss you out?”

She hesitated so long he was afraid she’d disconnected. Instead she sniffled again and whispered very softly, “last night.”

Oh that fuckin’ tears it. “Don’t you leave that spot. ‘M on my way. Be there before six.” He was already pulling out of his driveway, his beloved DeSoto purring under her hood, man and machine anxious to be on the road.

She was arguing with him, but Will just kept repeating, “too late, ‘m already out the door,” until she quieted down.

Buffy took a deep breath, then whispered very quietly, “thanks Will. I can’t. . . just. . thanks.”

“No problem kitten, just sit tight and wait for me, yeah?”

“Okay. See you in a little while.” She started to disconnect the call, but his voice stopped her.

“Sweetheart. Don’t cry. I’ll be there.”

“Kay.”

**********************************************************************************

Why did I call him?

Because you’re scared. And no one else cares. Buffy clutched her cell phone tight, her knuckles white from the effort. She was tired, too tired to close her eyes. Too afraid. Too hurt.

Her father’s harsh words and even harsher tones washed over her again, for the umpteenth time. “Brat. Always thinking of yourself. No respect for me, for anything. Useless. You are going to end up in a trailer park or on welfare, with no education, a drain on me. I’m not supporting this.” And the worst? She wasn’t sure if it was him saying “your mother should have had an abortion” or “I’m taking you Friday morning to a clinic whether you like it or not.”

Buffy had lost it then, screaming at him, and he just told her since she had no respect for him and his wishes she had to go. And when she’d asked how she was supposed to get back home he’d said, “I don’t know. Don’t care. I don’t have a daughter.”

Buffy had gone.

With forty-two dollars and her cell phone. No clothes, except what she’d been wearing, which were now really grungy. For the first couple of hours she’d cried and then tried to find a way back to Sunnydale.

There were no trains between Los Angeles and Sunnydale. Cabs were way to expensive and they wanted half up front for such a long trip. The buses were, believe it or not, also more money than she had.

Buffy had gone back to her father’s then, not knowing what else to do. She’d climbed the fence and broken one of the windows in the garage and slept on the cold cement floor.

At least she knew it was safe. But she’d panicked when her father had seen the broken window and called the cops. She slipped away while his back was turned, this time really afraid.

And that was how she ended up in the mall, scared and alone, but even that refuge wasn’t going to last. The mall had closed at one o’clock and Buffy had no where else to go. Her composure has slipped completely when she watched a heavily pregnant cleaning woman who looked no older than herself, leave the mall with her husband or boyfriend at her side.

Her tears must’ve caught the attention of the couple because they stopped and the girl walked toward her.

“¿Pobrecita, que paso?” When Buffy didn’t answer, the girl asked, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Shaking her head Buffy refused to look at the other girl.

“You got nowhere to go? No family?” Settling her pregnant bulk on the bench beside her, the girl patted her shoulder. “No one you can call?”

That’s when his name popped into her head, his words last week registering. She’d programmed his number into her address book, despite feeling crazy for doing it, but now she was glad she had.

Wiping her eyes on the tissue the other girl had handed her, Buffy said, “I do. Have someone. . . who. . yeah.”

“Good, you call. He’ll come.” Patting her arm one last time, the other girl slowly got to her feet. “You be okay now?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Buffy smiled up at the girl shyly, gratitude clear in her eyes.

Nodding her acceptance of Buffy’s words, the Latina walked away.

That’s when Buffy had called him.

Now, nearly an hour later, she was no closer to safety, but strangely she was feeling better. Between the kindness of a complete stranger and Will’s quiet fury on her behalf, Buffy was okay. Or that could be just because I’m so beyond tears and I’m too scared out of my mind to cry.

I’m so tired. I just wanna sleep. In my own bed. And I’m so throwing these clothes out when I get home.

**********************************************************************************

He knew he was driving to fast, knew it and didn’t care in the slightest. What kind of father disowns his only child – and throws her out of his house, uncaring of that child’s circumstances. What kind of man turns his back on his own flesh and blood?

Maybe it was because he only had his uncle, that all of his other family was gone save cousins and a few aunts, that Will figured family was worth preserving at any cost. He’d do anything to have more time with his mother – would have sold his soul to keep her with him – but he hadn’t been able to save her.

Will didn’t understand what kind of man threw away his family with both hands. He didn’t get it. Switching lanes, Will narrowly missed colliding with a speeding Ferrari and shot the driver a dirty look as he sped past. Thankfully, it wasn’t a normal workday, wasn’t even a normal weekend. It was Thanksgiving and there were only a precious few drivers on the road, making his life much easier.

Checking his cell phone for the time, Will didn’t see the Ferrari cut him off until it was almost too late.

**********************************************************************************

It was just after five when her phone rang, waking her up from the sleep she’d sworn she wasn’t going to allow herself to get.

Buffy jerked awake, the noise from the phone scaring her. “Hello?”

“Buffy? Where are you?” Joyce’s voice was laced with concern and anger.

“Waiting for a ride back home.” Awake now, Buffy’s eyes darted around the deserted parking lot, getting more nervous by the second.

Joyce was silent for a moment, then, “I called your father’s to talk to you and he told me what happened. I’m so sorry sweetheart. I never would have left you there if I’d thought for one second.”

Buffy cut her off before her mother could continue. She really didn’t want to hear it – this was so typical of the relationship between them. One of her parents would say something cruel and heartless and then the other would apologize and materially make it up to her. “I know.”

Both women were silent, uncertainty filling the awkward space. “He’s going to send your stuff back.”

“Okay.” There was more Buffy wanted to say and more that she wanted to hear, but Joyce remained silent. “I won’t be home until next Wednesday. I left money in your drawer.”

“Yeah.” Buffy heard the sound of breaking glass and got scared.”look Mom, I gotta go. I’ll call you when I get home, okay?”

“Sure sweetheart. I love you.” Buffy hesitated, afraid the crying was about to start all over again, but gained control. “Yeah. Love you too.”

Staring out into the growing darkness, Buffy made a promise to the baby in her belly. No matter what happens, baby, you come first. Not gonna leave you alone for days. Gonna take care of you always.

**********************************************************************************

Will wrestled the DeSoto around the Ferrari, almost scraping the divider. The heavier car fish-tailed, despite the fact the ground wasn’t wet and he barely controlled the car, keeping it away from hitting either the Ferrari or the divider.

The Ferrari did spin out of control, but it was already behind him and Will watched out of his rear view mirror as the Ferrari made contact with the wall. Ouch. Asshole.

He nearly pulled over, but when the driver got out of the vehicle, Will shook his head and kept going.

Quarter past five and he was hitting the outskirts of Los Angeles; a trip that normally took a minimum of two hours had been accomplished in just over an hour. Another fifteen or so minutes and she’d be safe.

He hit last number on his phone and cursed when it went right to voice-mail. Will drove on, his eyes constantly watching for cops, but it seemed like everyone was home today, because there were even less people on the road in Los Angeles than there were on the highway. Sighing in frustration, Will tried the phone again.

She answered on the second ring.

His eyes closed briefly in gratitude that she was still safe as her voice washed over him. “Hello?”

“Lo kitten. ‘M almost there.” Buffy’s eyes closed, relieved to hear his strong low voice in her ear.

“Hey. How far away are you?” She had a death grip on the phone, and she was wedged into a dimly lit corner of the mall, the building solid behind her and a small stand of shrubs hiding her from the parking lot.

“Only ‘bout ten minutes away. Hitting the exit now. Should be there soon.” His tones were strong, steady and she could almost feel his presence coming closer.

“Okay that’s good.” That’s when he heard the fear in her voice.

“Wha’s wrong? You okay?” He’d gotten caught at two successive stop lights and he was thinking about blowing the second one when she spoke.

“I guess. I’m cold and tired. . . and” she broke off when a noise started her and when she didn’t speak, he gunned the engine and roared through the light.

“Hang on kitten, I’m pulling into the lot any second. Where are you?” His eyes scanned the deserted parking lot, looking for her.

“By the movie theatre.” He cursed under his breath, then made a quick U-turn in the parking lot and drove around to the other side of the large mall. “All right. Where? Don’t see you.”

“Hang on.” She stood up and emerged from behind a couple of low bushes. “I’m over here.”

He rolled to a stop, watching her step around the shrubs and approach the car. Will could see the fear recede as she caught a glimpse of his face.

Buffy slid into the passenger seat and leaned back against the leather. Her eyes dropped closed and she whispered “thanks so much for this. . . I . . this . . thanks.”

“Any time kitten.” He put the car into gear and drove off.

Thirteenth. Sugar taste

You sugar taste
Sweetness doesn't often touch my face
Stay if you please
You may not be here when I leave
Alice in Chains

Fly to the rescue, Pan.
I'll shoot you . . right through your noble intentions.
Captain Hook, Peter Pan (2003)

I’m Luke Skywalker, I’m here to rescue you.
Star Wars, Episode IV



She fell asleep ten minutes into the drive.

He’d been watching her, out of the corner of his eye, making a mental wager with himself over how long it would be. Will knew she was exhausted, emotionally wrought and spent from a night and most of a day on her own, so it was just a matter of time before she gave into the exhaustion and let sleep claim her.

Will smiled as she settled in, letting her head rest between the window and the seat. Trust. That’s what that is. She trusted me to come get her an’ now she’s safe she can sleep.

There was the start of traffic around Los Angeles and he left off his contemplation of Buffy and concentrated instead on the road.

**********************************************************************************

Just past the halfway point between Los Angeles and Sunnydale, Will decided to pull over and get something to eat. He needed to get gas for the car anyway and he realized that he was hungry.

The minute he pulled into the truck stop, Buffy stretched and shifted, slowly coming awake. Smiling shyly at him, she asked “how close are we?”

“Jus’ about halfway.” He paused for a moment, then angled the car toward the parking area. “Hungry?”

“Yeah. A little.” She was a lot hungry but she wouldn’t dream of admitting that to him. “Lemme pay for gas or something.”

“No.” His tone brooked no argument, but she tried anyway.

“No? How about half?” She got out of the car, tossing the words over her shoulder as she made her way toward the building.

Will caught up with her, turning her to face him. “No. My choice, not takin’ your money.”

“Fine.” She snapped unintentionally at him, then relented. She hadn’t meant it to sound so . . mean and final, so she softened her tones a bit, “yeah. Sorry. Didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

“Right then. D’you fancy chicken or somethin’ else?” Buffy looked at the sparsely populated fast food restaurants and shrugged. “Dunno. Meet you back here in ten minutes, okay?”

**********************************************************************************

When she got back from the bathroom, Will wasn’t anywhere to be found. She looked around, slightly panicked, then spied his blond head standing at one of the counters, obviously reading what passed for a menu.

“Will?” He whirled around, his bright smile blinding her.

“Hey. All right then?” He was watching her closely, gauging how tired she looked. “Sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just really tired.” Buffy shrugged, her eyes avoiding his. She swayed a bit and he was at her side in seconds.

“C’mon kitten, sit down before you fall.” He guided her over to one of the tables. “You need to eat. Fancy anything in particular?”

Buffy thought about it for a moment. “Not really. What are you thinking of getting?”

Will shook his head. “Think I might get a couple of burgers.” Buffy’s eyes lit up and he smiled. “Burgers it is.”

**********************************************************************************

She managed to stay awake the rest of the trip back to Sunnydale, but neither one of them was inclined to engage in idle chatter, at least then.

He pulled up in front of her house and was reluctant to let her go. No one was home, she’d be all by herself and he didn’t think it was a good thing. But he couldn’t tell her that. He had no right to say anything.

Buffy sat there, frozen in shock. Oh god. . how do I? I don’t have keys. . . and Willow’s not home until Saturday and Xander’s got an extra set but I didn’t see anyone home when we passed his house and . . . breathe Buffy, breathe.

For the first time since he’d known her, Buffy just sat still, fear keeping her silent. Will was beginning to get really worried when she finally moved, but when a hysterical giggle escaped from her mouth, he got very worried.

“I don’t have keys. I left them at my dad’s.” She was afraid to look at him. “Willow and Xander have spare sets, but . . . neither of them are gonna be home until tomorrow.”

Will stared at her profile for a second, making a quick decision. He put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb, without saying a word. He was afraid she would object and he didn’t want to have to argue his position with her, not while he was driving and not while he knew, that while this was an incredibly stupid and potentially dangerous decision, nevertheless it was an inevitable one. He wanted her to stay with him. Hell, he wanted her however he could get her but the facts were . . . she was only seventeen. And his student. And if they were caught. . . . Will refused to think about it.

**********************************************************************************

The dogs were barking when he opened the door, ushering Buffy inside his home. Well, Kennedy was barking and Clem was just hanging back waiting for him to acknowledge the dog’s presence.

Buffy stepped into the hallway, then followed Will as he walked directly into his kitchen. “All right ya beasties. I’ll feed ya now.”

The dogs quieted after he filled their bowls, but every time Buffy moved the smaller dog growled at her. Will yelled at the dog, then as he was getting a beer from the fridge, he spoke. “You can sleep in my room, I’ll take the couch. You wanna shower?”

Buffy hesitated, looking anywhere but at him. “The couch is fine for me and I don’t have anything to wear, but I’d love a shower.”

“I’ll get you a tee shirt an’ some shorts. We’ll throw your stuff in the wash, be fine for the morning.”

“Yeah, okay.” She hesitated a moment longer, looking around at her surroundings. His kitchen was really nice, dark green painted walls with sugar brown cabinets and crisp white appliances. Not exactly what she expected, not at all. . . the room was warm and inviting. Watching her look around, Will was struck by how at home she looked or rather, how much he wanted her to be at home. She looked around closer, then realized he was looking at her. A blush bloomed across her features and Buffy ducked her heard, hiding from his gaze.

“So where’s the bathroom. . and um, clothes?”

A grin stole across his features. She’s so bloody adorable. “Right, up the stairs and second door on the right.” He finished the beer and motioned her toward the stairs. “I’ll get the stuff.”

She waited at the bathroom door while he continued down the hallway. Buffy leaned against the wall, her eyes crossing with fatigue. It had been about this time last night when she and her father had started fighting.

Everything was a jumble after that – the screaming, the running, the fear – and she barely had anything to eat and she was tired and hungry again. And she felt really grungy and dirty.

Will emerged from his bedroom to find her standing against the wall, nearly asleep on her feet. Dark circles stood out under her equally dark lashes and he could see the fatigue she tried to hide so much when she was awake. Will didn’t want to disturb her at all, but he knew she wanted to get clean. Not that she’d said so, but he knew it was bothering her.

Unable to resist, Will drew closer, his eyes on her, drinking in her presence. She wasn’t just beautiful, she was. . . ethereal at times, and yet he’d seen her earthy and teasing, playful. His finger ran down her face, barely touching, though he felt the contact down to his toes.

Even wearing day old clothes and tired beyond measure, pregnant with someone else’s child, she was beautiful. And he wanted her.

Will leaned closer, his shoulder against the wall beside her, just watching her sleep. His hand cupped around her cheek and she curled into his touch. Buffy responded to his warmth, murmuring softly into his hand.

Her head fell against his chest and Will settled her in closer. Buffy’s eyes opened and she looked up at him sleepily. Nuzzling into his chest, she breathed in his scent. “Smell nice. Really.”

He leaned closer to her, wanting to kiss her senseless. “You too kitten.”

“Nahuh.” Buffy made a face. “No.” And then the strangest look came over her face and she realized what she was doing. She squealed a little. “No. Ew. I smell. . and not good.”

Will sniffed her playfully, wrinkling his nose as he teased her. “You do smell kind of. . . funny, kitten.” Buffy’s face fell a bit and he leaned in, his mouth against her ear. “Smell like something I want.”

Hazel green eyes looked up into his blue ones, searching for the truth of his words. What she found wasn’t what she expected. Want was blazing in his bluer than blue eyes, need for her swimming in those depths, humbling her.

Fear rose up in her belly and she couldn’t face him. What he wanted from her she wasn’t sure she was ready to give – couldn’t give, not yet. And because she was afraid, Buffy ran. Blushing furiously, she moved around him and slid into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

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She was shaking. The intensity of his gaze scared her and set butterflies fluttering in her belly. Washing herself she was lost in her thoughts about what would happen when she emerged from the water. Maybe he wouldn’t be waiting for her. . . not sure I don’t want him to be there, god he just looks at me so . . . and I melt. All I wanna do is let him hold me.

What do you think baby? Does he like us? I want him to like us. I want him to love us. . . Buffy ducked her head under the steaming water, letting her fears wash down the drain with the soap.

Just gonna see where this . . . I’m not going to . . . Stepping out of the shower, Buffy dried off, holding up his shirt to her face, inhaling deeply. Oh. . this smells like him. I’m gonna smell him all around me.

She slipped the tee shirt on, then looked at the shorts he’d given her. Holding them up, she laughed. There was no way she could wear them, they weren’t going to stay up around her waist. Slipping them on anyway, Buffy bunched them up in one hand and left the bathroom, her dirty clothes balled up in her other hand.

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Will stood outside the bathroom listening to the sound of the shower, imagining her under the water. Soft skin, soapy and slick sleek skin, wet. . . Will shook the images from his head.

He couldn’t stand here listening to the water, imaging her. . . wanting to join her. Will moved away from the wall, making his way through the house to his living room.

Moving to the other room didn’t help all that much, the images of her in his shower, running water washing over her naked body . . . Will tried forcing thoughts of her from his mind, pushing the images away.

He was doing his best, but all he could really think of was her, even as he tried focusing on the movie.

Nearly an hour later, Will was beginning to worry that perhaps she’d slipped out and run away when the water finally shut off. Another ten minutes went by before he heard the click of the bathroom door.

“Will?” Buffy’s voice sounded in the hallway and rooms, as she slowly made her way through the house.

What would you give mate, to have this be real? To have her here all the time? “In here.”

She wandered into his living room, her eyes wide at the decor. One wall was swallowed up completely by a television and stereo system, one of the other walls was covered in books. The room was decidedly masculine, dark walls and soft black leather couches, which was only softened by the window seat with bright jewel-toned cushions and pillows. Buffy looked around, awed at how comfortable the room felt. “Wow.”

He looked at her noting a slight smile on her features. “This is such a great room. All of them. . . even the bathroom.”

Her voice trailed off as he got to his feet. “Glad you like it.” And he was.

“Did you do this?” She was curious, wondering who had picked out all the colors and done the decorating.

He looked sheepish for a moment. “Did most of it myself, had help from an old friend.” Will looked around, wondering how much input Drusilla had really had. “She did help a bit.”

Buffy’s face fell. “Oh.”

Will caught her expression and the sad tone and he felt compelled to explain. “Drusilla, we’ve been friends f’rever and we once tried the dating thing but, ah, she was really in love with someone else. They’re married. Got two little girls.”

She was adorable when she blushed, which was what she was doing now. “Oh. . . that’s nice.”

“Yeah.” Will watched her fidget again, then realized she had her dirty clothes bunched up in a ball. “Hand ‘em over pet. I’ll get them in the wash.” Taking them from her, Will motioned toward the television. “Change it if you like, an’ there’s stuff to pick at.”

Stuff? Buffy eyed the assortment of things he’d laid out on the coffee table and fought a giggle. Hot wings, chips, pretzels, some dip, water, cheese – Buffy wondered if he was expecting a party because there was way more food here than she could eat.

Grabbing the remote, she flipped through the channels and nibbled on some cheese while she waited for him to come back.

**********************************************************************************

He was standing in front of his washing machine, staring down at the clothes in his hands, when it struck him for the first time that she was here, in his house, wearing his clothes. What that really meant. If anyone were to find out, there would be hell to pay – and not just because she was pregnant. There’d be all sorts of inquiries into exactly who the father was, despite the two of them knowing the truth of the matter and he’d more than likely lose his job over this. If he took a moment to think with his head, he’d get her things washed and send her to a hotel, leave her there for the night and wash his hands of the whole situation.

And yet he couldn’t find that ruthless spot within him; couldn’t break the waif that was upstairs in his living room, scared and alone and skittish. Everyone else had turned their backs on her, letting her sink without any help of rescue. Not that he believed she was on a slippery slide into eternal darkness, but she could falter without any one else on her side. That vision of her father’s? Where she would end up on the streets or on welfare . . . that was a real possibility, if everyone kept abandoning her. Her mother appeared on the surface to be supportive, but Will was beginning to think that might just be mere lip-service and not real.

He had no proof otherwise, just his own gut feelings on the situation between mother and daughter. Buffy hadn’t breathed a word until tonight that her father was even still in the picture. And really, with a wanker like that for a father, why the hell would she mention him?

In the month or so since he’d learned of her pregnancy, her mother had been out of town at least twice, that he knew of. He had no idea how long her trips were, or where she was, but from the little Buffy spoke about it, this was a fairly common occurrence. So, how in good conscience could he just drop her off at a hotel? Will knew he couldn’t, even if he wasn’t interested in the girl. It just wasn’t in him to not take care of someone. Hell, it was the reason he’d taken the rotten dog in the first place. Kennedy was his mother’s – keeping her company while he was gone, and he’d been saddled with the bitch since his mother had died. Even bringing the dog to the States hadn’t. . . Will shook his head. The dog was not the problem.

The problem, as he figured it, was the girl sitting on his couch. The problem was what everyone around her was doing or not doing as the case may be. The problem was the way he felt about her.

Will looked down at the clothes in his hands and realized he’d been rubbing his fingers all over the lacy edges of her bra. Oh yeah, you’ve got it bad, you git. Holdin’ her dainties while you’re thinkin’ about her. Tha’s just brilliant. Wanker. Throwing the clothes in the water, his ring finger snagged on a leg of her jeans, getting caught in the belt loop, and he stopped moving, his mind focused on her. Buffy was. . . She didn’t deserve any of this; none of it, from Riley’s treatment, to his parents saying those things to her, her parents. . . He’d heard also that she had been removed from the cheerleading squad, which had to hurt a little.

Panties. He had her panties in his hands. And she was upstairs, wearing his clothes, nothing between his things and her skin. Will groaned, looking down at the wisp of material in his hands. It was cotton candy pink with lace around the edges. His hard-on, which had been controllable just minutes ago, swelled and rose up to press against the cold metal of his zipper. He should put them in the wash. He should. He shouldn’t be holding them up to his face and inhaling her scent . . . and imaging all sorts of other things.

Forcing his hand down Will dropped the scanty material into the wash, watching the soap and water saturate it, dragging it down into the depths.

There was no way in hell he could go back up those stairs and face her, not now, not unless he did some really . . . . he could just hide in the bathroom and take care of it there. . . but he was here, and. . . Will hadn’t been this bad in a very long time. Fuck it. Popping the button on his jeans, he reached in and grasped his hard-on, pumping slowly. His eyes closed and he imagined her sitting on top of the washing machine, clad in nothing but those pretty pink panties. . . . or in nothing but his tee shirt, or in nothing at all. His breathing was harsh in the cool air of the basement, the churning of the wash and the clean scent of water and soap redolent in the air. . . and he was still hard. His hand curled around his erection, pulling and pumping and Will wished that it was her hand, warm and tight around him.

Behind his eyes, Buffy was sitting on the washer, clad in his tee-shirt and those panties, legs spread, lips parted. . . . long golden hair. He imagined her lifting the shirt up, exposing the panties and a pert little breast to his gaze, his hands sliding up her legs. Pre-cum dripped from his slit, and Will used his thumb to smooth it around his hard length, pretending all the while it was her hand touching him. Yeah, baby, c’mon, she slid the candy pink panties down her legs, spreading herself wide for him, her fingers lightly brushing her folds. . . that’s it baby girl, show me. . . show me everything. . . His hips jerked as his hand sped up, his brain blank save for the thought of her and the movement upon his cock.

His balls tightened, his breathing hitched and Will grabbed the first thing he could reach to soak up his spendings. Imaginary Buffy scooted closer to him, her pussy open and exposed to his intense gaze, her fingers thrusting in and out in time to the pumping of his hand. Soft skin brushed against his cheeks, her scent strong, making his mouth water, his tongue aching to taste her. Will’s head dropped down as he spurted into the cloth, his eyes barely open. A low groan burst from his throat when he didn’t recognize the shirt in his . . He didn’t own anything in that particular shade of pink. . . oh god. It was hers. He’d cum all over her shirt. . . a quavering chuckle escaped from his mouth and Will shook his head in denial of what he’d just done.

An’ jus’ how old are you, mate? Seventeen? Sure as fuck aren’t twenty-eight years old now. . . git. His sigh was deep, his thoughts scattered. His hands were shaking. In for a penny. . . glancing down at the soft pink material surrounding his spent cock, Will growled in self-disgust. Zero fuckin’ control mate. . . not good at all. He threw the soiled shirt into the wash anyway, hoping that the soap and water would wash away the evidence of his folly.

Still mentally chastising himself over his actions, Will tucked himself back in, washed his hands in the sink and slowly made his way back upstairs to the living room. If there was a god, and he had any mercy in him, Buffy would be asleep on the couch; and he could just carry her into his room and walk away. Or, if that wasn’t an option, that she was wide awake and waiting for him, head over heels in love with him and old enough so that it wouldn’t matter. Yeahuh. Tha’ would be a bloody miracle.

He decided, as he stopped in the doorway to watch her, that god was a sick bastard who took delight in torturing him. Buffy was curled up on his couch, legs tucked up beneath her, head resting on one arm, eyes half closed with fatigue. She was gorgeous, everything he wanted all wrapped up in one tiny package, everything he was beginning to suspect he needed.

She sensed his presence and turned to look at him over the back of the couch. A shy smile crept over her face, lighting her up from within. He really was starting to not care about the differences, about what could possibly keep them apart. He wanted her. Needed her. Suspected that he loved her.

“Hey.” He looked . . . Buffy didn’t know how to describe how he looked; he was quite possibly the best looking man she’d ever seen, hot enough to be a movie star. He could be a model, with cheekbones and eyes like those, and lips that always looked kissable. She remembered the first time she’d ever seen him and the reactions of every single other girl in the school. The number of whisperings and crushes this man engendered was staggering. Even some of the teachers had been googly-eyed over him. And he just went about his business as if he didn’t know what kind of effect he had on women of all ages.

The fact that he was staring at her, his eyes heavy-lidded and a lazy grim across those oh-so-kissable lips had her tingling from head to toe. He’s looking at me like he . . wants me. Oh god. . . the drop-dead sexiest guy I’ve ever seen is looking at me. . .

Will wondered what she was thinking as she looked at him, her eyes riveted on his lips. A slow smile widened across her mobile mouth and he wondered if he could someday convince her to wear fire-engine red lipstick and . . those pink panties . . . and heels. . . and Will forced his mind away from that image, his mind yelling at his dick. Knock it off now, mate.

Trying to come up with something else to think about, Will focused on the food. “Did you eat again?”

“Yeah. I picked.” Buffy shifted her gaze to the table and did a double take. All the cheese was gone and half the pretzels. “Um. I guess I was still sort hungry.”

Will strolled around the couch and fought a chuckle. “Guess so. Want more?”

“Nah. I’m good. Wanna watch a movie?”

Obviously she’d caught a second wind. He couldn’t push her off, didn’t want too. Buffy shifted on the couch, jumping when Kennedy growled at her, trying to get more comfortable.

“Oi. Knock it off you ungrateful bitch.” Will tossed a pillow at the twelve year old grouch, ignoring Buffy’s hiss of disapproval. He looked at her, saying, “dog’s a pain in the arse, doesn’t like anyone. ‘S not you its her.”

“Still shouldn’t be mean to her.” She whapped him gently on the arm, then squealed a little when he hauled her up on her knees holding her against him. They were practically nose to nose when he mock growled at her, grumbling a bit, “don’t mess with me little girl, ‘m bigger an’ badder than you are.”

She giggled and mock shivered. “Ohhh I’m sooo scared of the big bad . . . wolf.”

“Careful little girl, the big bad’ll eat you all up.”

Buffy looked up at him with wide eyes, her breathing erratic and her heart hammering away in her chest. His words had struck a different chord, no longer just playful and teasing and she felt his hands on her arms, his touch burning into her skin.

Will was staring at her mouth, his words echoing in his head, replaying over and over in a loop. He had to kiss her – needed to kiss her. Dipping his head down, Will nibbled on her full lower lip, scoring it with his teeth, then soothing with his tongue. Buffy’s eyes drifted closed and her lips parted, inviting him in.

At the first touch of her tongue against his, whatever internal battle his conscience may have been waging was lost. He surrendered at the first sign of engagement. His hands loosened from around her arms, circling around her. One hand fisted in her hair, holding her close and the other drifted down to her hip.

Buffy mewled into his mouth, her arms wrapping around his shoulders, fingers diving into the soft curls at his nape. The too big shorts slid down her legs, pooling around her knees. She was lost in sensation, reeling from his touch.

His fingers flexed around her hip, bunching up the fabric even as his lips broke away from hers. “Sweet. . . kitten. . . “

His voice went straight through her, making her knees quiver and her breathing hitch. Buffy’s thumb ran over a thumping vein in his neck and Will fought his body’s reaction. Leaning down to kiss her again, Will dragged the shirt up as he cupped her breast, rubbing his thumb over her distended nipple. “Need you.”

He moved closer, his hand abandoning her breast to run down her torso and over her bare hip. Her skin was as soft as he’d imagined it, her lips and mouth exactly as he’d hoped. His hand stroked over her, his thumb running over her hipbone, his fingers splayed over the curve of her ass.

Buffy trembled in his arms, his touch sending tendrils of want through her, pooling inside her womb. She needed him to touch her, was craving it. Nothing had ever felt like this before – nothing. His lips broke away from hers and she mewled a breathy protest until his mouth licked a path down her face toward a sensitive spot just below her ear.

Will rocked his erection against her, only his jeans separating them as he nibbled on her neck. Her pants and whimpers in his ear were more than he needed to push him over the edge.

“Will . . . Please . . oh god, please. . . touch me.” He couldn’t resist. The sound of his name. . .

“Open up for me kitten . . . “ he leaned back, looking at her, bared to his sight, his shirt bunched up over her waist, his hand curved around her hip, exposing the dark patch of curls between her legs. His other hand swooped down, lifting the cotton material further, and Will gently pushed her back against the couch.

Buffy looked up at him, shivering at the hunger in his eyes. She was bared to his intense gaze, her shoulders against the back of the couch, her knees trapped in the loose shorts.

Will’s left hand slowly stroked her, sweeping around and over her hip, his thumb and fingers trailing through the dark gold curls covering her pussy.

“Oh kitten you are fuckin’ gorgeous.” He breathed out, struggling for control. His fingers parted her folds, opening her up to his gaze. Threading through her curls, Will found her clit, watching her reaction as he rolled it between his fingers. Her hips bucked up and Buffy spread her knees wider, allowing him entry.

His name shrieked from her, harsh panting breaths interspersed with breathy whimpers.

“Will. . . oh god. . . Will.”

He slid two fingers into her wetness and his mouth watered, his legs finally gave out and Will gave into his desire. Rotating his fingers, Will thrust into her, searching for the spot as his mouth descended. Just before he latched onto her clit, Will chuckled and whispered “oh yeah, little girl, big bad wolf’s gonna eat you up.”

Buffy’s hips bucked again, her shriek of surprise echoing in the living room. All thought fled, everything was gone and there was nothing left but the feel of his mouth on her, his fingers pumping in and out.

She was shaking, her entire body quivering when his mouth enclosed her and there was nothing but pleasure rolling through her.

Buffy cried, gasped and whimpered his name, tears seeping from closed eyes when his fingers rubbed against something inside her and she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, could only feel. Her eyes rolled back in her head and every nerve in her body fired at once.

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