Saturday, 2/9/07

I'm sitting on my front porch looking up at the midnight sky, and I wonder to myself, how in the world did I get this far? How can so many bad things happen, and at the end you still turn out okay? You grow stronger and wiser than before, and it amazes me how much one's life can change.

I see a shooting star travel across the dark sky and I don't make a wish. I don't need to. For the first time in my life, I don't need too, because now I'm truly happy. Now I feel bliss. Now I feel.... Complete.

~+~+~

FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Monday, 1/5/04

"You gonna give me a ride today?" asked my sister, Dawn, from my door.

I was in my room making the bed as I looked at the clock on the nightstand. 7:00am.

"When is Dad getting you your new car?" I asked, a bit annoyed at the fact that I've been giving her rides to school since her stupid car
broke.

"Trust me Buffy, you're not the only one put off by Dad's delay," she countered, annoyed as well.

"Okay. Give me a sec to get ready and I'll take you."

She nodded and left.

In late August last year, I started my second year of college. Dawn was supposed to get a new car for her 17th birthday, five days ago, because her old car doesn't work anymore. My step-dad, Giles, has yet to give it to her.

My mom Joyce, Giles, Dawn, and my little 4-year-old brother, live together. Yes. I'm the oldest and I get to not live with them anymore (even though I stay sometimes over the weekends). I turn 20 next month, so it's not like I'm not an adult already. So, it's a "Hello my wonderful freedom. Where have you been?" kind of thing.

The thing about my family is that my mother was married before, and had me with another man. Then, they divorced when I was only about ten months old. I still see my real dad from time to time, and we talk on the phone sometimes, but not that often since he lives in Washington and we live down in California.

Soon my mom met Giles and they got married. He's been pretty much my father ever since. Then, almost two years later, they had Dawn and so on.

I finished getting dressed and went down the hall, but before I reached the stairs, my little brother, Xavier, came running to me.

"Buffy!" he called out as he came to me with his little arms extended, ready for me to pick him up.

"Mornin' Xavier, you're up early," I said as I picked him up in my arms.

"Mommy said I'm goin' to Daycare today. She said somethin' 'bout getting early started." He said as we went down the stairs.

"Getting an early start," I corrected, "and no more running in the halls 'cause then daddy's gonna get mad," I said as we reached the bottom step.

"Okay."

I walked to the kitchen where my mom was already serving breakfast to Dawn and my dad.

"Buffy, are you gonna eat?" she asked.

"Just some juice and toast. I'm not really hungry," I responded as I sat Xavier on one of the chairs at the table.

"At what time do you have class today?" she asked again.

"At 8:30am. So, Dawn, we have to hurry. If not, we'll both be late," I directed to my sister from across the table.
She just nodded as she stuffed some eggs into her mouth.
~+~+~

After I dropped Dawn off, I headed to campus and straight to my dorm. I had 20 minutes before I had to leave for class. I opened the door to the room and walked in.

"Hey, Willow," I greeted my roommate.

Willow is a red head with green eyes. I always thought she was very pretty. She's very down to earth and fun to be with. She's always been the kind of person that would help a friend and be supportive when need be.

"Hey. How'd the weekend at the parents' go?" she asked as she got her jacket from the closet.

Willow and I have been friends since our freshman year in high school, and it was pure luck that she got to be my roommate this year. It just so happened that my original roomie had left the school, so I called Willow to keep me company.

"It was fine. Not much has changed though. Giles still lacks the ability to pull out cash and buy my sister a new car, and I'm forever more her designated driver," I said sarcastically as I got some books from the bookshelf and put them in my book bag.

"I'm sure she's not very happy about it either," she responded
"Yeah, I know. But it still bugs me that I have to wake up earlier than I have to, just to get her to school on time and then get back here so I can take my own classes," I complained

"Why doesn't your mom or dad give her the ride then?" she asked.

"Because most of the time, my dad has to get up earlier than her so that he can get to work, and my mom has been taking my little brother to Daycare and then she goes straight to work, too. So that makes me the driver until her car appears," I explained.

"Oh."

"So what classes do you have today?" I asked, changing the subject.

"I have Lit, History and then Drama with you. You?"

"Psych 101, then free period and Drama," I responded.

"I'll see you then. I gotta go now," she said as she headed for the door.

"Okay. See ya."

~+~+~

My free period was almost over and I was making my way to the other side of the campus so I would be on time for my Drama class. As I turned the corner, I bumped into someone.

"Oh!" I jumped when he startled me, "Bell. Neck. Look into it," I sneered as I rolled my eyes.

"Comes with a nice leather collar, does it?" Spike Moore leered in his British accent.

Spike has bleached blonde hair with icy-blue eyes, and even though I think he's kinda cute, he's basically the pain in my ass. I've known him for almost 3 years, and every chance he gets, he always finds a way to get on my last nerve. He is so infuriating, and at times I feel like strangling him. Most of the time we're at each other's throats really.

Now don't get me wrong, we can be civil at times, and in those once-in-a-blue-moon moments, he's an okay guy. He just has this tendency to be brutally honest with me. He so arrogant and cocky, too! That's the part that pisses me off the most.

I sighed.

"What do you want?" I asked, annoyed

"Something from the machine behind you. Do you mind?" He pointed behind me and I looked back to see, then I moved aside so he could make his way over to it.

"Aren't you going to class?" I asked as I stood behind him.

"What is it, Drama?" He asked as he pushed the button on the machine so that it would vend his coke.

"Yeah."

"Maybe," he got his coke and turned to face me and popped the can open, "Why, do you want me to go?" he asked a bit flirtatiously.

"No. I don't care what you do. I was just trying to make conversation." I explained, brushing him off.

He snorted.

"You. Trying to make conversation. With me. Is this a new universe?" he said disbelievingly.

"You know, if you have the ability to be civil, you should try using it more often," I said a bit angrily as I began to walk away from him.

"What are you talking about? If you can remember that far back to a few seconds ago, you were the one being hostile, pet. Not me," he called out from behind me.

I turned around abruptly.

"Okay. You win this time. So are you coming or not?" I said hastily.

He smiled.

"I knew you'd give in," he said as he began to walk beside me.

"You know me so well?" I asked sarcastically.

He looked at me with a small frown.

"Always Buffy." He said gently.

The tone in which he said that oddly sent a shill up my spine and I found myself briefly looking into his blue eyes. I only saw one thing, though: Sincerity.

I quickly looked away.

~+~+~

END OF FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Saturday, 2/9/07

"Baby, what are you doing out here? It's 12:30 am," a male voice said from behind me.

I turned to face him and saw his partially naked form stand in between the front door and me.

"Couldn't sleep. So I sat here and started thinking," I responded.

"'bout what?" he asked as he sat next to me on the porch.

"Sophomore year at college. Me. You."

"Oh. Those were the days," he said as he wrapped his arms around me and held me against him.

I gave a small giggle.

"Yup. Those they were," I said as a put my head on his chest and began to look up at the sky once again.

~+~+~

FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Monday, 1/5/04

"Miss Summers. Mr. Moore. So nice of you to join us. Do you mind taking a seat?" Mrs. V. said to us when we reached the classroom.

I went up the steps in the big spacious room, to the third row of seats, and sat next to Willow as

Spike kept going up and sat a couple of rows behind me.

"Now, today I wanted to get a little further on the romance scenes, and how they should be done in order for the audience to capture the deeper feelings that are hard to express between two people on stage," the teacher took a pause and stood behind the podium as she began to lecture.

"Now who can give me an example of a great romance in literature that has been done in plays?" she asked and some of us rose our hands to answer.

"How about Romeo and Juliet?" Anya, my friends of 4 years suggested.

Anya has short blonde hair with chocolate brown eyes. She has a tendency to be outspoken. She never thinks before she talks, but at times I appreciate her for it. You can always expect her to be honest with you, even when you don't need her to be.

"Good example Miss Jenkins," Mrs. V. praised and continued.

"Now, though tragic the story when it was put to play, the actors found a great deal of praise for bringing the story to life in such a magnificent way. The lead roles, which were the pair of two star-crossed lovers, Romeo and Juliet, had a romance like no other. In the play, the actors found a way to express the way that these two characters felt for each other. Even though Shakespeare is all about words, on stage, it's all about body language. You may find that just by the way you touch and kiss someone, soon it's a dead give-away to the audience as to how the characters feel for one another. Now I would like to call two of you guys up so that I can give you an idea of what I mean," she began to look around the room and several people rose their hand but she paid no attention to them, "Why not my two tardy students of the day."

What!

"Mrs. V., I'm sure someone else here would be better," I said nervously

"I'm with her. And let me say that, that's a first 'cause we never agree on anything," I heard Spike say from behind me.

"Nonsense. You two are great students. Now come down here," she commanded and soon we were both at her mercy in front of the whole class.

"Now, Mr. Moore you'll be Romeo. Romeo is a lover of love. And now that he has found it, he says what's in his heart. But that's not enough for Juliet, so you have to show it to her. You, Miss Summers, will be our Juliet. You have always been sheltered from the big bad world. You have only heard of love, but never felt it, and even though words have the power to win you over, you would love better if Romeo stopped talking and showed you how he felt for you so that you could see that he was genuine about his feelings," she explained.

Both Spike and I nodded and faced each other.

"So, no dialogue then?" Spike asked.

"Nope, just touch and then kiss. We've gone over stage kissing so it shouldn't be a problem for you," she explained.

Spike nodded once more before he started moving in on me.

"Now remember it's all about control," I heard her say before I felt his hand slide up my arm softly and I looked directly into his blue eyes. His other hand went to my face and he brushed his thumb over my cheek as he began to lean in. The hand that was on my arm soon went to my back and he pulled me towards him gently.

I hadn't realized my lips were parted until his forehead came against mine and he looked at me directly into my green eyes, silently warning me of his invasion and asking to be let in. I blinked slowly letting him know it was okay. We closed our eyes when our lips touched, and he gently took my bottom lip in his mouth as I took his top one in mine.

Our lips brushed and teased each other's as my hands hooked behind his arms, and then something happened that is not supposed to happen when doing a stage kiss. His tongue slid into my mouth and touched mine, and mine touched his back but soon he retreated and parted from me slowly. The whole time, he looked into my eyes as he backed away from me.

Then the teacher began to talk again.

"That was great! That is exactly how it should be done. It shows passion and still sweet gentle love. Good job," she praised.

Shock marred my face the whole time, but I shook it off when I saw him move towards his seat, so I followed and went to sit in mine.

Then the bell rang and class was dismissed.

Oh my god what just happened to me in there?

Was it real?

No it can't be.

But I felt it.

No one has ever kissed me or touched me the way he did.

Have I completely lost my mind? This is Spike we're talking about here!

And it was acting!

I need a beer.

"Hey that was really good," Willow praised with Anya at her side.

We began to walk to the building where our dorm rooms were.

"Thanks," I said in a way that showed I really didn't care about that at the moment.

"What's up with you?" Anya asked.

"I need a beer."

"Okay. Let's get one then," Willow said with a nod, looking confused.

~+~+~

That night we ended up going to the Bronze. The Bronze was a local club near L.A., which wasn't too far, so we would often go there. We've been going there since we were 16, so it's pretty much home, but a non-stop-party kinda home.

We sat at one of the high round tables with drinks in hand.

"Weren't Xander and Tara coming?" I asked Willow

"Yeah. They said they would take a while. Xander was bringing Tara after work and Tara was gonna try to finish a paper before Xander picked her up," she responded, "Buffy, what happened to you in class today? You were acting kinda weird after the whole touchy-feely scene with Spike," she then asked out of nowhere.

"Oh." I shook my head. "It was nothing. It's just that it felt disgustingly weird when I kissed him. I mean come on; it's Spike. Who wouldn't be disgusted? Plus, shock was in there too, you know, 'cause we actually went through with it," I said, hoping it was convincing enough.

"Well, I gotta say that I was pretty shocked myself 'cause it was really good. It actually looked real," Anya commented.

"Thanks."

"Hey why do I see sitting when there should be dancing?" Xander said as he came toward us with Tara at his side.

"We, being the good friends that we are, were waiting for you guys," Willow replied.

"Aww. Thank you, sweety," Tara commented as she went over to Willow and pecked her lips.

"Anytime, baby." Willow smiled.

Tara returned her smile when she parted away from her. Xander and Tara were also the other two people that I met when I met Willow, and soon Anya had come into the mix and we've been together ever since.

Xander has black hair with dark brown eyes. He's the kind of person that is always up for fun and loves to party. He's caring and since he's the only guy in the group, he can be a bit overprotective at times.

Tara has dirty blond hair with blue eyes. She is a very shy, quiet person. Over the years, though, I have gotten to know her, and she is a very trust-worthy person. You could tell her anything and you can be sure that she won't tell a soul. She also has a fun loving side if she just taps into it once in a while.

For me that quality is a good thing to have because I tend to have a strong personality and it's sometimes hard for me to open up to people. Even now, my friends don't know everything about me because I feel it isn't necessary for them to know certain things about me yet. But I think that Tara knows more than she shows.

"Come on you guys, lets go dance," Xander said as he grabbed Anya by the hand and headed out to the dance floor.

"You coming?" Willow asked me.

"No, I'm a bit tired. But I'll catch you guys on the next dance," I responded.

"Okay then," she said as she and Tara followed Xander and Anya to the dance floor.

I smiled as my friends danced to the fast beat music and I got up to go up the stairs near the bar that led to a balcony that looked over the dance floor.

I leaned over the railing as I looked at my friends dancing.

"Nice to see you again," I heard Spike's voice say from behind me.

"Go away, Spike," I said, not even looking at him.

"We need to talk," he said as he stood next to me.

"We really don't," I responded as I started to move away from him.

"Yes we do Buffy," he pulled me back to face him, "Look, I don't know why I did what I did. And for the likes of me, I don't even know why you went along with it if I'm supposedly the one person in this bloody world that you can't stand," he said, sounding confused.

"Spike, it's Drama. I was acting. Stop making a big deal," I said, trying to get away from him.

"Oh, don't give me that, Buffy. You know as well as I do that that's not the way a stage kiss is done. But you still kissed me back anyway. Why?" he asked.

I sighed.

"For the same reason you don't know why you kissed me," I responded not knowing what else to say.

I was about to walk away when he grabbed me by the arm and spun me around to face him. Our faces were so close I could feel his breath on my cheek.

"Spike..." I began.

He moved his head a little to the side of my face and he whispered in my ear.

"I still wanna kiss you again anyway."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. Has he completely lost his mind?!

I looked at him defiantly.

"I don't."

I pushed him away and walked away from him. When I finally reached the bottom of the steps I sighed heavily.

This cannot be happening.

~+~+~

END OF FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Saturday, 2/9/07

"Let's go to bed now, pet. It's late," he said to me as he gently pushed me off of him so he could get up.

"Okay," I responded.

We got up and went inside the house. I closed the door behind me and followed him up the stairs. I went down the hall and turned to my right before I reached my bedroom. I slowly opened the door and peeked my head in to see my 2-year-old daughter sound asleep in her crib. I walked over to it and watched her little chest rise and fall at her steady breathing. She looked so much like her father. She had his hair, his lips, and under her closed eyelids, she had his eyes.

She was so beautiful. She also had a little bit of his personality, as well as mine. She was very smart for her age and was very curious about stuff. But, like me, she liked being independent and was a bit of a brat when she didn't get her way like her father; he spoils her way too much.

I gave her a kiss on her head and walked out the room and closed the door behind me.

I went to my bedroom, closed the door behind me and undressed myself. At times I liked sleeping in the nude with my lover beside me, holding me, knowing that he loves me.

I walked over to the bed and he had already lain down and was waiting for me, also in the nude, but with the covers over him up to his waist. I pushed the covers aside and laid down on my side with my back facing him but soon I felt him spoon my body against his and his arm went over my waist. He kissed me on the cheek and I turned my head to peck him on the lips.

"Love you," he whispered.

"Love you, too," I whispered back and I turned my head back onto the pillow and I let sleep take over.

~+~+~

FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Sunday, 1/11/04

I wore a pair of blue jeans and a black tank-top with my hair pinned on the back of my head with a small black clip and on my feet were floppy sandals. I went down the stairs of my house and met my family in the kitchen.

"So, now I find myself holding two shipments that were supposed to be in Paris almost a week ago," my mother said to Dawn and Giles as they all ate their breakfast.

"Well mom, I'm sure you'll get it fixed. You're like super woman of all that stuff," Dawn said.

I smirked at her remark and Giles chuckled at it.

"Honey, you gonna eat?" my mother directed to me.

"No. I'm meeting Willow and Tara for breakfast at the Coffee Bean," I responded.

"You're not going to help me out today? I'm in a bit of a jam and I needed help with the shipments."

"I can help you, mom. I'm not doing anything today. I can take Buffy's place," Dawn interjected.

"You sure Dawn? Mom can be like a sergeant when it comes to the Gallery," I said teasingly.

"I'm not like a sergeant," she said with mock-offense, "I'm just a bit of a perfectionist."

"So that's where Buffy gets it," Dawn chided and I smacked her playfully on her arm, "What?" she asked innocently.

"Nothing."

"I'll help you, mom," Dawn finally said.

"Thanks honey."

~+~+~

I sat at one of the high stools at the high round table similar to the ones at the Bronze while the smell of coffee filled the air at the Coffee Bean, waking up my senses to the wonderful smell. I waited for my friends patiently as I stirred my cappuccino with a small red straw. I look at the brown foamy liquid and saw his face.

His high cheekbones and the playful smirk that reached his blue eyes. He was the strangest person. Always so confusing and yet he made perfect sense. His arrogant ways were enough to drive a woman to insanity but I wonder if that was necessarily a bad thing. He was a good person at heart, but he had other ways of being the most irritating person I had ever come across.

But those lips...

It's been almost a week and I still remember how that kiss felt. Now I know it hasn't been that long but is it normal for it to be the only thing I have thought about? When he wanted to kiss me again at the Bronze, I wanted to kiss him too. But yet I stopped myself from feeling his lips against mine again. Now I'm starting to doubt if that was the smartest move.

It was!

It was the best thing you could have done.

Letting it get out of hand would be bad. Besides it was all acting right? Nothing more nothing less. Yet the feeling is still there. The craving for the real thing.

I licked my lips subconsciously.

Yep, it was still there.

"Hey, Buffy," Willow greeted, shaking me out of my thoughts.

"Hey," I greeted back with a smile as I saw her and Tara approach.

"Sorry we kept you waiting, we got caught up," Willow answered with a shy smile, taking up two other stools for her and Tara.

"I'm sure you did," I countered and Tara blushed furiously as she sat down.

"So! Been here long?" Willow said, suddenly knowing what I meant.

I smiled, "No. Maybe about 10 minutes. But time well spent buying myself coffee and all," and thinking of a certain blonde...

"Oh, well, we should get ourselves something, too. You want anything?" Willow directed to Tara.

"Cappuccino with vanilla?" Tara responded.

"Okay. Be right back," and she was off to the front counter to place her orders.

"I almost didn't make today either," I said to Tara.

"How come?"

"My mother wanted me to help her out in the Gallery today. Dawn said she'd do it. Now I owe her a favor," I took a sip from my now cold cappuccino and I put it down and pushed it away.

"How is Joyce? She's doing good in the new Gallery?" Tara asked.

"Yeah. There's been major progress. She had most of her old customers already and because of the new location, she's been getting more exposure," I responded.

"That's good. And Giles?"

"Well he's been working in the bookstore and writing his book at the same time so he's been pretty busy."

"How's the book going?"

"I haven't spoken to him about it but he seems to be doing good with it. You know Giles. Very book smart."

"Just like my Willow." Tara gave a small smile.

I smiled at her.

At that moment my eyes bugged out in surprise, when I saw the one person I didn't want to see here, coming from behind Tara.

"Spike."

"'ello, pet. Fancy meeting you here."

"Hey, Spike."

"How are you, Glinda?"

"Good. You?"

"Peachy."

"Hey, Spike," Willow greeted him, with two cappuccinos in hand.

"Hi, Red. It's a girls' party, I see," he responded looking at the three of us.

"All the more reason for you to not be here, Spikey," I countered, wanting him to leave so badly. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, I think Willow and Tara were able to notice.

"I'll be quick. Just wanted a word with you."

"Go ahead," I responded.

"Privately."

I sighed, "You'll have to come back another time. I'm busy right now."

"Just a moment, luv. It'll be no trouble at all."

"Fine," I looked to Tara and Willow, "I'll be back a second." They nodded.

Both Spike and I went to where the restroom doors were, away from prying eyes, and I looked at him strongly.

"What do you want?"

"You've been avoiding me."

"You noticed, huh. God, nothing gets past you," I said sarcastically.

"What is your problem, pet? You've been like this since last Monday."

"Spike, you wanted to kiss me again."

"You're telling me you didn't?"

"I told you I didn't."

"Yeah, I heard you say it, but it's not what you really wanted was it, Buffy?" he leaned into me and his closeness was making my body slowly betray me. He whispered in my ear, "You still want it, don't you?"

I wanted to push him away but instead I leaned closer to him. I wanted to yell at him but instead I gave out a small moan.

He moved his head back a bit and we both leaned in and our lips touched for the second time. At first our lips brushed against each other softly but soon I was taking his bottom lip into my mouth and I sucked on it gently as he took my top lip into his mouth and did the same. His left hand went on my face as the other went around my slim waist and he pulled me closer to him. My left hand went around his neck and the other held on to his arm that held my face.

I parted my lips and his tongue invaded my mouth and began dancing with my tongue. They battled for dominance and the kiss got deeper and more forceful by the second. All I kept thinking was that a kiss has never felt this good to me. Then I realized who was the one kissing me and I pushed him away from me.

"What's wrong?" he asked confused and his lips were swollen as he breathed slightly heavily.

"What's wrong? Spike, I can't do this. I just can't. Not with you," I said breathing heavily as well and I felt that my lips were swollen too.

"Why not?"

"Because I hate you and you hate me. The only place were we would make it work would be if we were in bizarre-o world," I explained.

"Fine. You're right. I do hate you!" he yelled.

"Right! Hate me. Hate me a lot."

"I will!" a beat. "I can't."

"What? Why?" I asked a bit panicked. I want him to!

"Because I could never."

The sincerity in his voice was like a slap in the face. He can't be serious. But the look in his eyes told me otherwise.

I looked down, not wanting to see anymore.

"Spike, just leave," I merely said.

I felt him move away and I looked up to see his retreating form walking out of the Coffee Bean with his head down in defeat.

I sighed as I touched my partially swollen lips.

Damn it.

~+~+~

Tuesday, 1/ 20/04

"What drives us to feel what we shouldn't feel? What makes us be attracted to someone that you can't help but be attracted to? Is it lust, to crave for someone? Or is it sin that drives us to do the forbidden?" my Psych professor, Mrs. Walsh, said to begin her lecture, "First lets look at the word sin for a sec. The meaning of the word can be numerous if you think about it, because it's how it's portrayed that gives it real meaning. For example, what you may think the word sin means might be very different from what the person sitting next to you think. Basically it comes down to what morals you have that define it. A good example of what I mean would be sex. Now do you think sex is sinful? Is it evil?" she asked, "Miss Summers, what do you think?"

I looked up from my notes and my eyes were as wide as saucers.

Oh god, please, why me?

"I-I don't think it's sinful," I stuttered, "Much less evil."

"Really? Why do you say that?" she asked as she began to walk behind her podium.

"Because... God invented it right? So why would it be evil?"

"That's a good point. But what if it was with someone that you shouldn't be with?" she asked.

"Then what you said before applies. It'll come down to whether you think sleeping with that person is sinful or not," I responded.

"Very good. Now, what makes us desire who we shouldn't desire?..."

I gave a sigh of relief as I sank in my chair.

~+~+~

I groaned when I put my head down on one of the tables out in the patio of the campus.

That class couldn't have been more insightful on the topic now, could it.

"Hey Buffy, what's up?" I heard Anya greet me.

I looked up at her and she sat across from me.

"Not much. You?" I asked.

"I'm actually preparing a party for the weekend on Saturday and I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go."

"Yeah, of course I'll go," I said with a small smile.

"Great! Now I also wanted to ask you if you can promise me that you and Spike will behave," She asked pleadingly.

My eyes went wide.

"Spike's going?" I asked.

"Well the thing is that Xander doesn't want to be the only guy in the party and Spike is my friend. It wouldn't be right if I didn't invite him."

I shook my head.

"It's okay. I'll behave," I responded, trying to calm myself a bit and trying to sound casual.

To my luck she ignored my uneasy state.

"Thank you," She said, then stood up.

I smirked, "Welcome."

At that moment Willow came over.

"Hey, where're you going?" she asked Anya before she sat down in her place.

"Gonna go see a man about a girl," she responded with enthusiasm. "Then to Xander. I feel like having sex," she said without a care in the
world.

I smiled. Anya really loved Xander. But sometimes I wondered if she loved his penis more than him.

I shuddered inwardly.

Don't need those kinds of thoughts.

~+~+~

Chapter 4

Friday, 1/23/04

I walked into my dorm feeling tired beyond belief. I let the books I held fall on my bed before I heard the door behind me open.

"Hey Buff," said Willow as she closed the door behind her.

I turned to face her, "Hey."

"I ran into Anya just now. You should see her: she's all excited about tomorrow."

"I bet. There are gonna be more people there tomorrow than just the gang, right?" I asked.

"Yeah. wouldn't be much of a party if there weren't. Besides, a big college party is exactly what we need. Just to get the load of school off our shoulders for at least one night," She said with a sigh and went to the closet to start looking through her wardrobe.

"I thought you were all like ‘yay!’ about school," I said, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Very much. But a little break never hurt anyone," she paused, "Also, Xander wouldn't want me to not be there," she responded.

I smiled, "I think it's just that he doesn't want to be left alone with Anya very long. She can go pretty crazy if there's a chance that something will go wrong."
"Oh, yeah. But I told him that what were the chances of that?" Her mock excitement faded as she realized what she said.

College parties always tend to get out of hand. Anya obviously is totally unaware of that and Xander doesn't want to be alone if all of this goes down.

"You going to see Tara now?" I asked as I watched her pull out a light purple turtleneck from the closet.

"Yup. We're going to the library to pick up some books for next week," she responded as she pulled the turtle neck over her head, "What are you gonna do?"

"I was planning on staying in. Kinda tired so..." I drifted off.

"Okay. I'll see you later then."

I nodded.

She made her way towards the door and closed it behind her. I laid back and moved up a little to my pillow. I put my head on it and let sleep take over.

The room was dim, lit only by candles. It felt like such a romantic setting. The smell that filled the air was intoxicating and yet very familiar. Suddenly a hand was sliding up her arm and her body responded in the slightest way.

Her eyes were closed. She felt his breath upon her neck and leaned her head back against his chest. He kissed her skin then. He licked it. He savored it. He was falling in love with her every fiber and she felt it. She knew it.

His kisses moved up to her ear and he took her earlobe into his mouth. She moaned in response and felt as if she were melting. Her body was humming and the smell of arousal slowly made itself known.

"See, you can't resist me for very long," his familiar, deep voice whispered into her ear and--

My eyes shot open. I rolled my body face up and felt the sticky wetness between my legs.

"Oh, wonderful," I groaned as my hands went over my face.

What the hell am I going to do now? I see him tomorrow and I'm sure he's gonna try something.

I looked at the night stand in between my bed and Willow's. The clock read 6:00pm. I got up off the bed and went to the dresser on the left side of the room, right by my bed. I pulled out a white tank-top and jeans.

I got my towel and hair brush and headed out the door to the bathroom down the hall.

I pushed the door open and closed it behind me. The room was like a locker room (minus the actual lockers) with shower stalls all along the right and left walls and a bench in the middle of the room. Opposite of me were the sinks and mirrors. I put my towel and clothes on the bench and removed my clothing so I was naked to the world. I got in one of the shower stalls and I turned the knobs until the water was just the right temperature.

The sting of the hot water on my skin was welcome. I tilted my head back under the shower and let my hair get wet. I don't know what was going on inside me. I couldn't stop thinking about him. The way he kissed me. The dreams I was having. The way he keeps looking at me every time we run into each other.

I can't do this.

This behavior towards him is so not gonna lead to anything good and I know that if I don't stop it now, sooner or later....

I sighed.

I had to talk to him.

~+~+~

Saturday, 1/ 24/04

"Come on Dawn, hurry up!" I called up the stairs to my sister who was taking forever to get ready.

"I’m coming!" she yelled back.

"At what time will you be back?" my mother asked from the living room.

" One-ish, maybe," I responded as I sat on the couch next to her.

"Well don’t make any noise when you come in, okay?" she said.

"Sure, mom."

"I’m ready. Let’s go," Dawn said and I got up and went to the door with her behind me.

I sighed, "Finally."

She wore blue jeans and a red tank top with her hair picked up in a ponytail and heeled sandals hugged her feet under the bell of the pants. I wore a jean skirt that hit just above my knees and black leather boots that went up to under my knees. I also wore a black halter-top with a low v-neckline showing a bit of cleavage and a leather jacket over it. My hair was pinned up with stray hairs falling over my face.

"Bye, mom!" Both Dawn and I said in unison and we headed out.

We got in my car and made our way to Anya and Xander’s party. I felt a bit nervous about going because Spike was going to be there and good make out sessions in the party do not apply to us.

"What’s up? You’re all shaky-nervous," Dawn pointed out.

"It's nothing," I responded and smiled to try to hide what ever it was that gave me away.

I leaned back on the seat, forcing my body to relax as I looked at the road ahead. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Dawn look at me for a while, but then she turned to look out the window.

This was going to be a long night.

When we reached the party the music played loud and the living area was turned into a dance-space and it was packed with people dancing.

"Hey!" I greeted Tara, Willow, Anya and Xander who were all dancing together.

They waved back when they saw us approach.

"I’m gonna go get something to drink, okay," Dawn said over the loud music.

I nodded.

I looked around and noticed that the party was packed. People dancing. People drinking. Just really having a good time. Anya really went all out.

I went over to where my friends were and I began to dance with them. I moved my hips from side to side to the live band's soft tempo music and this really cute guy got in front of me and began to move with me. I began to move down never losing rhythm as my skirt started riding up. I then looked to my left and there Spike was watching me intently as I danced. I moved sensually as I held his gaze before I looked away and danced with the guy in front of me.

The song was soon over and I went up the stairs, that led to a hall where two bedrooms were. I turned to my left to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and went over to the sink. I turned the knob on the faucet and let the cold water run. I was sweaty and so I put some cold water on the back of my neck. I was tense.

I don't know I how I'm gonna get through this. He's here and I know I won't be able to avoid him. I just have to tell him that I have to break it off. That if we don't stop, things will get too far.

I took a deep breath and turned off the faucet. I took a look at myself in the mirror before opening the door. I walked out and began to walk down the hall but then I saw him coming up the stairs.

He looked straight ahead at me as he stalked towards me slowly like a predator closing in on his prey. He grabbed my arm gently and pulled me aside. He looked at the end of the hall to check if anyone was coming and then looked back at me.

"Mind slipping away for a little while, luv?" he asked gently.

"We need to talk." I said as I looked up at him.

"Let’s go in here, then." He pointed to the bedroom right across the bathroom and we went in. He then closed the door behind him. The only light in the room was the light of a lamp by the bed.

"By the way, pet, what you did out there was a very nice try at making me jealous," he mock-sneered.

I turned to face him and crossed my arms over my chest, "What are you talking about? I was just having fun," I explained.

"Right," he said disbelievingly.

"Look I don’t want to talk about it okay, I just wanted to tell you that I think maybe we should stop this."

"Stop what?"

"This thing with you and me and the kissing. I mean you and I both know that this is wrong and that it’ll only lead to badness and I don’t want our messed up interaction go from weird to beyond unfixable," I said, trying to sound reasonable.

"Why don’t you sing me a new tune for a change, Buffy. That one’s gone stale," he responded.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know you want me. I could tell when we kissed. I could tell by the way you looked at me outside. I can even tell in the way you look into my eyes, right before you close your eyes." He chuckled. "It bugs you doesn’t it? It bugs the hell out of you that you know I’m right. I make you feel something every time we kiss."

"It’s called disgust."

"No. It’s called lust, and you like that feeling, don’t you?" he leered as he closed in on me.

I pushed him away from me abruptly, "Oh please, like you’re God’s gift," I growled.

"Hardly. But that’s not the point. The point is that you know I want you and I know you want me, but you still won’t let me in," he growled angrily as he pointed a finger at me.

I pushed his extended arm away from my face, "I’m not exactly jumping up and down about the fact that I’ve been sucking face with the one person who made my life in high school a living hell!" I yelled in complete anger.

"No, that’s not it, Buffy. You’re just afraid to give me the chance. You’re afraid I’m gonna-" Smack.

My hand flew across his face. I felt my anger boil and I really didn't want to hear the truth behind his words, "Finish that sentence and they will be the last words you ever say," I said with venom dripping from my every word.

He held his face with wide eyes, "Can't stand the truth, can you? Can't admit that this could be a good thing."

"It's not a good thing, Spike! It's stupid!" I yelled, "I mean what is it that you want? huh? You want this..." I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in for a rough kiss.

At first he didn't respond and I was starting to wonder why I was doing this, but soon his lips took mine in and all else was slowly slipping away. I licked his bottom lip and his mouth invited me in. My demanding tongue was soon in his mouth and he returned the forceful urgency of the kiss. I felt him then bite my tongue gently and I parted from his mouth with a groan.

"This what you wanted?" I breathed.

"It's all you, luv." His eyes were glossy and his voice was thick with desire.

His arms went around me as I pulled him in for another kiss. I moaned as I felt my body responding, ignoring what the little voice in the back of my head was trying to say. All I felt was his touch and his hands that were now on my hips. He pulled me to him and I felt his arousal through our clothes.

His hands went under my skirt and he pushed it up before grabbing my bare ass and pulling me up so I wrapped my legs around his waist. I was soon up against the closed door and his mouth moved down to my neck.

"Floor," I whispered.

He spun us around again and I was on the floor with him over me. I pulled him in for another demanding kiss. I rolled us over and straddled his hips. I sat up and began to undo his pants from in between our bodies. Pushing the zipper down, I reached for his growing member. He breathed out a moan and hissed when I engulfed him in my small hand and began to pump him firmly.

With my free hand, I grabbed the back of his head gave him another hard kiss. He was so intoxicating and the anger I felt at the moment only served to make me hotter and want him more. Soon, I got the hand that was at the back of his head and moved my thong aside so I could position him at my wet, hot center.

I slid down, pushing his cock through my folds and felt as he went inside me. I parted away from him and sat up. I looked into his eyes during the moment that I waited to get adjusted to his length. For a moment I felt his emotion and seeing it in his blue pools was overwhelming.

I began to slowly move as he held my hips firmly and soon we developed a rhythm. One of my hands went on the floor by his face as my other hand moved over his face. I began outlining his facial structure, noticing how he looked. His mouth was open letting the occasional groan escape his mouth.

He closed his eyes for a moment before he opened them and turned us over. He looked at me as he began to increase his pace. I clenched my teeth when I felt him reach my hilt in one thrust.

"Ahh," I moaned loudly. I turned my face to the side against the floor as my face contorted in pleasure from the intensity. With one of his hands he groped my left, denim-covered breast and he began kissing my exposed neck once again. I held his head to my neck when he started licking and sucking at it.

I heard him groan against my neck when I clenched my inner walls around him. By this time he was slamming into me faster and harder and I felt something slowly build at my core.

"Uhh," I breathed.

He began to breathe hard against my neck. I bit my bottom lip before I screamed out in release with my mouth wide open as I felt that wave of pleasure crash against my whole body and he soon followed with a loud moan dripping with release as well. I felt his seed fill me.

Our bodies spasmed and shook a bit as we both rode down our orgasms. He pulled back and looked down at me. I looked at him all sweaty and kissed him soundly on the lips. As I pushed his blonde hair back, he pushed my stray sweaty hairs away from my face. He shifted and pulled out of me.

He laid next to me and we looked at each other for a long while. I bit my lip and turned away. I pushed myself away from the floor and I stood on shaky legs for a second. I went over to the bed and sat down so I could catch my breath. I looked around and my eyes went wide at the realization of what I had just done.

I can't believe I just had sex with Spike!

I shook my head. Oh God.

I heard him stand up and I could tell his eyes were on me the whole time.

Then I heard him sigh followed by the sound of his zipper and belt buckle.

"I’d take that no one can find out about this either," I heard him say.

I shook my head again in response.

"That’s bloody great," he said bitterly.

I looked up at him with a frown on my face.

"This wasn’t supposed to happen, Spike," I countered.

"Well, I’m so glad you realized it, pet, right after it happened," he said sarcastically.

"You know what? I’m not gonna fight with you because we both know where that’s gonna lead. I’m just gonna go down stairs and enjoy the party. But this is never happening again, alright!" I said angrily.

I got up and began to walk towards the door but he blocked my way.

"Don't do this. You don't get to walk away from this," he said strongly.

"Spike, stop it," I said weakly.

"No, you stop it."

"What?" I asked confused.

"Convincing yourself. I mean no matter how many times you’ll say it to yourself, you’ll still end up coming back."

"Ugh. You’re full of it," I said as I pushed him aside and opened the door.

"As if it were such a problem," he called out and I closed the door in his face.

I went down the hall to the stairs and down to the party where the music was playing louder than ever.

I ran into Dawn when I reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey where’ve you been?" she asked.

I looked back up the stairs and saw him coming, looking pissed off.

"Don’t ask," I responded as I walked away from the stairs before he caught up to me.

~+~+~
END OF FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Monday, 2/9/04

I held my books to my chest as I made my way up the steps to the front doors of Stevenson Hall. I walked across the lobby to the staircase at the far end of the room, and willed my tired body to go up the stairs. I drug my legs beneath me down the hall until I reached my dorm room. As soon as I got inside I closed the door behind me and dropped my books on the desk to my left.

It wasn't long before shoes were off and my jacket was on the floor. I let my body fall on the bed and sleep tried to creep upon me but even though I was tired enough, my eyes wouldn't rest.

Especially since he was all I'd been thinking about for the last two weeks.

No.

I won't think about that. That was bad. Very bad!

He's been calling me and trying to talk to me on campus but I always plead busy or in a hurry. I know he doesn't buy it, but for now, the distance is good. It's giving me a level head and I can just pretend that nothing happened. Although, I will admit, thinking about it doesn't help with the forgetting and pretending.

I turn over on my side and groan in frustration.

I can't keep this up forever!

I know Spike. He's just as stubborn as I am and he won't leave me alone until I let him talk to me.

Suddenly, I heard the door open and close at the end of the room. I turn over to see who it was.

"Hey, Wills."

"Hey," she greeted with a small smile.

"You just got in?"

"Yup. I just wanted to rest for a while before I hit the books," she responded.

"Oh," I sighed with a tone of disapointment evident in my voice. She looked up from the counter where she had placed her books, and a frown of confusion settled on her features.

"What's up?" she asked.

I suddenly felt like I had to tell someone. Willow was my best friend and there is nothing about me that she doesn't know. Maybe if she knew, she could tell me what I can do about it. I sat up and faced her as she went to sit on her bed.

"Will, what would you do if you did something really stupid that you knew you shouldn't have done, but did anyway, and now it's all you think about?" I rambled. She looked at me closely not really understanding where all of this was going.

"Buffy, did something happen?"

I looked down, "Yes."

"What?"

"I slept with Spike."

"Oh."

I then looked up at her monotone response. She looked as though she was still trying to process the information.

"Wills?"

"Wow." She said.

I looked at her in surprise.

"That's all you're gonna say?" I asked expecting more out of her.

"Well what do you want me to say? Something like that was bound to happen." She responded.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"Well you guys have always been down each other's throats and now you've pretty much given "going down each other's throats" a whole new meaning."

"Willow, what am I going to do? I mean, I've been avoiding him, but I know I won't be able to hold it out much longer. You know how stubborn he can be."

"Especially when it comes to you."

"Exactly."

"Well, I guess, you could just continue what you're doing, and when he confronts you, face him," she suggested.

"And what will I say?"

"Whatever it is you want him to know."

"I'm not even sure what that is yet."

"I think you'll know then. You already know what you want, you just have to... look deeper."

"Wow, Wise Wilow, where did those powerful words come from?" I asked teasingly.

"Tara."

I smiled.

"Watch out, Willow's got the love bug."

She smiled, "Just a little."

My smile got wider. Despite my own situation, I found myself feeling very happy for Willow and Tara. They were great people and no one deserved to be happier than them.

"Wills, promise me you won't tell anyone, please," I begged her. I didn't want anyone to know. If things with Spike blew over, then it wouldn't be necessary for everyone to know what had happened between us.

"I won't, I promise."

I gave her a greatful smile, "Thanks."

"Sure," she smiled back.

~+~+~

I drove down the parking lot, scanning for an empty parking space. I soon spotted one and turned to my right, parking the car as centered as I could between two other cars. I turned the engine off, removing the keys from the ignition. As soon as I got out of the car, Spike stood before me with a serious frown on his face, startling me.

"Oh! Geez! Can you not do that! My god," I demanded, feeling my heart about to pop out of my chest.

"We need to talk," he said.

"We really don't," I responded, moving away from him and closing the door behind me. I walked over to the trunk of the car Spike following in tow.

"Come on Buffy, please," he begged.

"Please nothing. We have absolutely nothing to talk about." I pulled the lid of the trunk open.

"So, what, you're just going to pretend that nothing happened?"

"Pretty much."

"How can you say that? Things are different now Buffy, whether you want to admit it or not."

"Spike, nothing has changed, alright. It was just a thing." I got some of my books out before pulling the lid back down.

"Every bloody thing has changed!" he blurted out. He was frustrated. "That night-- I know you felt something. I felt it too and I'm not just going to ignore it!"

"Spike, stop it! That night things got out of control. It shouldn't have happened!" Just wish it hadn't felt so good.

"But it did. And I know you Buffy, you had the power to stop me and you didn't. Hell, you led the bloody way!"

My anger began to rise at the truth of his words. "Shut up. You have no idea--"

"Not everything has to be simple. Some things just are what they are and I know what you felt because I felt it too. Don't avoid this. Don't avoid me. You know you can't," he pleaded with me. For a second I felt like giving in, God knows I want to...

"I'm leaving." I began to walk away.

"Buffy..." He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. Our faces were so close, I could feel his steady breathing.

"Spike..." I began, but his hand held my cheek and gave it a slight caress.

He leaned into my ear, "Meet me at my dorm room later. I'll wait for you," he whispered, before dropping his hand and leaving to the other direction.

I felt my heart race. I knew what he was planning and I also knew that I shouldn't even be considering it. I wasn't really angry with him, though. I've been angry with myself. I let it happen and I had been avoiding him for the simple fact that I didn't want things to get out of hand. Again. I feel like I never have control around him and that scares me more than I'd like.

He doesn't regret it and I honestly don't know how that alone makes me feel. He was the kind of person you didn't have these kinds of relations with! Yet, for the past two weeks, I've found myself having to force myself not to think about that night. I saw something in his eyes then that I had never seen before and that alone, unwillingly, brought a chill up my spine.

I pushed the thoughts away for now and made my way to campus.

~+~+~

"It's all in your minds. Your body does what your mind signals it to do. You see, you smell, you touch, you feel. All in your mind..." the teacher's voice trailed off as my mind drifted off to the other night for the millionth time.

"Remember your reports are due next week!" the professor said as the students made their way to the door.

I gathered my books, trying to hide the blush that was slowly making its way to my cheeks, and followed the rest of the students out. When I reached the hall, I began to speed walk to the parking lot. When I found my car, I got my keys and pulled open my trunk. I put my books inside and just stopped.

For that moment I knew what I wanted to do.

I pushed the top of the trunk down and closed it before I began to make my way to his place.

~+~+~

My body felt fine. My mind, on the other hand, was screaming. I can't believe I'm doing this!

I looked around and down the hall, checking for anyone I knew. No one.

This was so crazy! I must be out of my mind.

I knocked on the door and heard foot steps approaching on the other side. Now my body was shaking, both out of nervousness and excitement. Since when did I get this worked up over Spike? Okay, stupid question.

He opened the door and stood before me in black jeans and a white tank-top. He flashed me a knowing smile and moved aside to let me in. I went inside and he closed the door behind me. My heart was racing.

"Wasn't sure you would come," he said as he began to close the distance between us.

"Me, neither," I responded. He began to run the back of his hand over my cheek and his fingers trailed over to my lips and I closed my eyes just feeling it. "You know that line between right and wrong?" I asked in a breathy tone.

"Uh huh."

I opened my green eyes and met his icy-blue ones. "I think I'm walking it," I said before I grabbed his face and pulled him to me. He captured my lips with his as he pushed me up against the door.

His tongue slid over my lips and I opened my mouth to let him in. Our tongues dueled and my hands went under the hem of his tank-top to feel his skin. One of his hands was on the back of my head as the other slid up under my blouse, touching my bare back until he reached the claps of my bra. We pulled apart for a second so we could remove our tops. I slid my hands up his chest before he pulled me in for another passion filled kiss.

My breasts pressed against his chest as he unclasped my bra. When the bra was off, I began to unbuckle my belt. As I pushed my zipper down, I watched him watch me. We hadn't seen each other naked before, and now he looked like a little kid on his birthday, and I bet that I did too. As soon as my panties were off, I went to undo his pants as well.

Soon he stood naked before me in all his glory and I reached for him hungrily. He seized my lips with his again before he began to trail kisses over my neck. I threw my head back against the door giving him more access.

His kisses began to move lower to my breasts and he took one nipple into his mouth greedily. I gasped at the contact. He soon worked on the other nipple, nibbling it, and I felt electricity running through me as he did so. He began to move down even further over my belly and my body began to shake in anticipation. He gently rubbed his nose, lips, and tongue over my lower abdomen as I ran my hand through his hair. He coaxed my legs apart and put one of them over his shoulder. When he finally reached my center, I gave out another gasp.

He licked up my moist entry and sucked in my clit between his lips.

"Uhh!" I grunted.

He was nothing like I've felt before and my body responded in a way I've never had with anyone before.

I looked down at what he was doing to me and he met my eyes before he thrust his tongue inside me. I moaned loudly at the sensations and as he fucked me with his tongue; I felt my orgasm slowly build at the pit of my stomach. I cried out when that wave of pleasure shot through my body and I quivered as it traveled all over. I leaned over, supported by his other shoulder as my orgasm slowly subsided.

He stood up and looked at me as he wiped what was left of my juices from his mouth.

I leaned in and pecked his lips. I began to lick and suck on is neck and I slowly moved up to his earlobe as he slid his hands over my hips. He grabbed the back of my thighs and pulled me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. When I did, he pulled me away from the door and took us to the bed.

I took his face in my hands and kissed him deeply when he laid us down and slowly slid inside me.

He waited a while as I got adjusted. I, then, began to move my hips encouragingly so he began to move within me.

His breathing was ragged as he looked at me in the light now. Now I saw him more intensely and I turned my head to the side. I hated him looking at me that way, I felt even more naked than I really was. He buried his face in the crook of my neck as he increased his pace and he gave the occasional groan when I would squeeze him with my inner muscles.

I moaned as he rotated his hips and I began to meet his thrust. We created a rhythm all our own.

My body tensed and this orgasm hit me with such force it took me by surprise. He soon followed with his own release.

"Uhn, Buffy!" He groaned in my neck.

"Ahh!" I cried. I pulled his head up and he gave me such a tender kiss on my lips, at that moment I felt sated.

He laid his head back down on my chest before pulling out and rolling off of me. I sighed heavily before I turned to look at him. When I did, I found him looking at me with a soft _expression on his face.

"I'm sorry," he said out of no where.

"Why?" I asked.

"For what ever reason I gave you to think that this is wrong," he responded.

"Spike..." I began.

"I don't expect you to come back, pet. But if you do, I won't be surprised. I'll be waiting for you," he whispered.

Now it had hit me. This was the beginning of the very thing I was trying to avoid but now he laid there before me giving me a choice, not expecting anything from me. Though he wasn't stupid, he was well aware of my side of the situation and that gave him just enough hope that I would be back.

I let my eyes close as I nodded in understanding.

~+~+~

END OF FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Sunday, 2/10/07

I opened my eyes slowly and the first thing I did was look at the clock on the nightstand. It's 8:00am. I turned over and there he slept, peacefully, faced down and his bare back exposed with the covers only covering his legs and most of his ass. He was so sexy. I began to lightly run my fingers over the lines that defined his muscular back and down I went, passed his waist, until I reached the covers. I slid my hand under them and gently cupped his ass. His eyes opened and they shown brightly with surprise as he looked at me in the eyes.

"What are you doing?" he asked groggily.

"Feeling you up," I answered as I squeezed his butt and made him gasp.

"Lovely way to wake me up, pet," he commented.

"You like that?" I asked playfully, "Ooh!" I squealed as he turned over and got on top of me and I giggled.

"Very much so. You like this?" he asked as he licked his middle finger and slid his hand in between our bodies and found my center. He began to rub my clit lightly, which summoned my nerve endings to awaken. I closed my eyes and parted my lips as I nodded.

"Very much," I breathed.

"Look at me, luv," he commanded softly and I did as told as he bit his bottom lip, "Knew you would," he whispered.

I smiled and got the back of his head to pull him in for a kiss.

"Mommy?" I heard my little daughter's voice from the other side of the closed door.

He pulled away and we sighed in unison. He stopped his ministrations and rolled off of me. I got up off the bed and put on one of his black t-shirts.

"Coming baby," I called out.

I turned around to see if he was decent and I saw him pulling up his boxers. I opened the door and there stood my baby girl with her night gowned and her little teddy that had a pillow that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY on it in hand as she sucked on her thumb.

"Now what are you doing up?" I asked as I picked her up off the floor into my arms. She rested her small head on my chest as I went over to the bed, "Look daddy, look who's up," I said to my lover who now laid back in bed.

"Hey, bit, wanna come here with daddy?" he asked as he extended his arms to her.

She nodded and I put her on the bed so she could crawl up to him. She lay down beside him as I went in search for my cotton shorts and I put them on and went to lay down beside her on the bed with them.

~+~+~

FLASHBACK

~+~+~

Sunday, 2/15/04

When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was a small teddy bear that was placed on my bed. It said HAPPY BIRTHDAY on a little pillow that it held in its hands and by it was a single red rose. I smiled at who ever had done this. I sat up and got the rose to smell it. The scent woke up my senses. Next to the vanilla smell, this was my favorite. Only one person could possibly know this.

Spike.

I got out of bed and went towards my drawer to pick something out to wear. I got a pair of blue jean short shorts and a white tank top. I put on my sneakers and I brushed out my blonde hair to put it up in a ponytail.

I left my room and went through the hall and down the stairs to the kitchen where I heard my family talking.

"Good morning." I said to them.

"Good morning, birthday girl," said my mother as she brought the frying pan with eggs to the table.

Giles sat next to my little brother and Dawn walked in after me.

"Happy birthday," she congratulated from behind me.

I turned to face her.

"Thanks." I smiled.

She came around me and sat at the table.

"Are you going to eat something?" Giles asked.

"Yeah, I'm kinda hungry, " I responded.

"Eggs?" my mom asked.

I nodded.

"I have to hurry though. Willow told me she wanted to take me shopping today for my birthday. Just us girls," I said before digging into my breakfast.

~+~+~

"Oh, I love that!" I exclaimed, referring to a jean jacket one of the manikins was wearing in the store. Willow had met up with me outside of the mall and we walked around until we reached the first clothing store we saw with clothes I liked in display.

"Very nice. Look at that top, isn't it cute?" she pointed at the pink number under the jacket.

"I have a skirt that would go perfect with that," I said, just imagining the look Spike would give me if he ever saw me in that mini- jean skirt. We continued our way around the store scanning the various blouses and such.

"So..." Willow began.

"What?"

"How're things with 'you know who'?" Willow asked.

My head spun quick at her question, "What do you mean?"

"Did you talk to him?" she asked.

I suddenly found a pair of jeans, jeans that were not very flattering, very interesting. "Yeah, I did."

"And..." she prodded.

I looked at her now. "He caught me in the parking lot last week and I tried telling him about how over it was and all, but it was like talking to a wall," I looked down at my hands, remembering how his skin felt under my touch. "He invited me to go back to his dorm."

"You went didn't you," Willow said with a knowing smile forming on her lips. I looked up at her.

"God help me, but I did," I said indignantly.

"And by the look in your eyes, I'd say you liked it?"

My eyes went wide, "Willow!"

"What? Nothing wrong with a little smoochies. And absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to me, your best friend in the whole world, you liked them smoochies, either," she responded with a that Willow spark of humor that always seemed to make me laugh.

We continued to look around again and my smile faded. I know I was walking serious grounds in this situation with Spike but I was grateful that I at least had Willow to confide in.

"So is this thing between you and him gonna become a regular thing?" Willow asked, catching me off guard.

"Honestly, I don't know. But he said that either way he'd be waiting. Kinda confirms that guys really are horny bastards," I responded.

Willow gave me a gentle smile as if thinking about something completely different, "I don't think that's what he meant, Buffy."

"What else could he mean?" I asked.

"I don't know. Spike just doesn't seem like the kind of person to think too much with his dick. Although, I'm sure he does, it's just that, I don't think that in this case he's thinking like a guy that just wants to get laid," Willow explained.

Something told me, by the tone in her voice, that she knew more than she was letting on.

"Wills, is there something you're not telling me?"

"No!" she said immediately. "I was just assuming."

I sighed. What ever it was, she would tell me eventually so I didn't press on the matter.

~+~+~

Willow sat beside me as I drove to my house. We had finally agreed on buying the jean jacket with the pink top. I was so wearing it with my mini skirt and these black pointy stiletto boots I had.

"Is he coming?" Willow asked before we turned the corner that led to my house.

"No. At least I don't think. We didn't talk about today, so..." I responded.

We reached my house and I saw all of my friend's cars parked in front of the front lawn and I parked my car in the driveway. I got out of the car and over to the walkway that went to the porch with Willow trailing behind me. I went up the steps and opened my front door.

"Hey, I'm home," I greeted them at the living room.

"Hey, Happy birthday," Xander said as he came to give me a hug.

I smiled.

"Thanks."

I looked over his shoulder and saw someone new in the group standing by the couch.

"Wills, who's that?" I asked as she stepped up to stand by me.

She looked over Xander's shoulder and smiled.

"Oh, hey Riley!" she waved at him before she went to get him and brought him over. "Buffy, meet Riley. He's Tara's cousin and he just came in from out of town," she explained.

"Oh. Hi, nice to meet you," I said with a smile.

"Likewise and congrats on this whole birthday thing," he responded, smiling.

"Thanks. Umm, I need to get ready, though." I looked over at Willow, "Can you come with me for a second?" I asked with a fake smile.

She nodded.

"What's going on?" Dawn asked as I passed by her on my way to the stairs.

"Nothing," I responded.

When we reached my room I stood aside by my closet as I waited for Willow and Dawn to walk in.

"Okay, what are you guys doing?" I asked Willow and Dawn.

"Nothing," Dawn responded.

I glared at her.

"Okay, okay. We all thought that it would be a nice if you met Riley and see what happens," she explained.

"Dawny," I wined. "You know I don't like being set up."

"I know. But... he just came from out of town and he's kinda cute. Just humor us, okay? Besides you never know, you might hit it off," she said trying to convince me.

"Please," she begged with a pout.

"Okay, fine. But I'm not making any promises," I caved.

She smiled.

After that I went to take a shower and when I got out of the tub, I dried off. I then wrapped a towel around my body and another around my wet hair then I went to my room. On the bed sat Willow, waiting patiently.

"I can't believe you guys are doing this to me," I said as I dried my hair with the towel as best I could.

"We were all talking and Riley seemed nice enough. Besides if I had known about you and Spike earlier, I would have voted for a definite 'no' for Riley," Willow responded.

"I'm not saying it because of Spike. I'm saying it because I don't like blind dates or set ups. They tend to end badly. Remember Scott Hope?" I said reaching for my blow dryer and handing it to Willow.

"Okay so with Scott we had bad judgment. But Riley's not so bad."

I sighed as Willow began to blow dry my blonde hair. Maybe I should give Riley a chance at getting to know him. He is cute and maybe he'll distract me from other people.

"Honey, you're here!" my mother said from the door.

"Just got here. Where were you?" I asked.

"I went with Rupert and your brother to get the cake," she responded.

"Xavier must be having a field day right now; you know how he loves cake."

"He was so excited when we got to the bakery. He has such a sweet tooth just like Dawn," my mother said with a knowing smile.

As soon as Willow was done, I got up and headed to the closet to retrieve my skirt and boots. I grabbed the new clothes Willow and I bought and I heard the doorbell ring.

"I'll get it," my mother said, closing the door behind her. I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror.

"What do you think?" I asked Willow, who, now, sat behind me on the bed.

"You're gonna make Riley drool," she responded.

"Strangely, not my priority," I said as I headed towards my door.

"So you're just trying to turn heads for the heck of it?" she asked as we made our way down the stairs.

"It's my birthday. I should turn heads," I said as we reached the bottom. My eyes went wide at the sight before me, "What are you doing here?" I asked shocked beyond belief.

Spike gave me an appreciative look before flashing me a small smile. I then noticed he held an envelope in his hand. "Came to wish you happy birthday, pet. Wouldn't forget this day even if I tried," he responded from the foyer.

I took the shock out of my face and replaced it with calmness as I finished making my way down the stairs.

"Buffy, we're out of chips," Xander said with Riley at his side, holding the empty bowl.

"Oh, well, there's probably some in..." I said pointing at the direction of the kitchen.

"Buffy will take you," Xander said as he gently pushed Riley towards me.

"Okay," I said when I put my arm down and I looked at Spike then back at Riley.

"This way," I said as I began to walk towards the kitchen.

Riley went over to where the bags were on the island as I looked out to the front door where Spike and Willow stood.

"So... who's that, Red?" He asked her.

"Riley?"

He nodded.

"He's Tara's cousin. He's from out of town," she said and I saw him frown.

"Is that so," he said with a frown over his face and I smiled. He was jealous.

I turned back around to face Riley as he poured the chips into the bowl.

"So where did you come from?" I asked trying to make conversation.

"Iowa. I'm staying with Tara for a while so I won't be going back there just yet," he responded.

"Wow. Must have been a long flight. Seeing as Iowa is pretty far from here." I sat on one of the stools.

He smiled, "Guess so."

"How are things there, though? I have family there but we never talk, so..."

"Oh, it's fine. The weather is great like always, you know sunny. Just Iowa being Iowa, I guess."

I gave him a small smile before I saw Spike walk in.

"Do you want something to drink before I leave? I'm gonna take these to the living room," Riley asked holding the bowl of chips in his hands.

"No. That's okay," I responded.

He nodded and left.

"Ooh, Buffy, can I get you a soda pop? I think I'm in love," Spike teased as he came over to me.

"Shut up. He's... sweet," I defended with a hint of a smile.

"Oh, shut up. He's sweet," He mocked as he stood behind me and began running his hands over my bare thighs and started kissing my neck softly. "You wore this skirt just to ruin me didn't you," he said in a low voice. "I brought you something," he presented the envelope to me as he continued to lick and nibble my neck. I closed my eyes and parted my lips at the feel of him touching me and I threw my head back against his shoulder as he began sliding his hand up under my skirt.

I opened my eyes abruptly and pushed him away from me. I got off the stool and faced him.

"No, don't do this. Someone might see."

"What, I don't get a 'thank you' for the present?" he asked, holding the envelope up.

I took the envelope from his hand, "Thank you. Now go away."

"You don't want to get your little boy jealous?" he asked with a teasing smirk.

"Maybe he's not the jealous one," I countered.

He just glared at me before walking back to the living room. "Jealous my ass," I heard him mumbled.

I rolled my eyes before I looked down at the envelope and began to open it. I read the letter inside.

I folded the letter closed and smiled.

~+~+~

I sat in the living room with Xavier on my lap as everyone chatted about back when we were in high school.

"Remember Principal Snyder? God, did that short Nazi get on my nerves!" I exclaimed to the gang.

"I personally think he had a thing for you," Xander said before stick a potato chip in his mouth.

"Eww, no thank you."

"Why? What was so bad about him?" Riley asked from beside me.

"He never had a single date in high school and he decided that taking it out on us was the best way to vent out sexual frustration," Anya chimed in.

"Okay, lights out!" my mother called out from the foyer. Tara complied with switching off the lights and my mom and Giles walked in holding a 16x20 cake. The candles on it were the only thing lighting the dark living room.

Xavier got off of my lap as they placed the cake on the coffee table before me. Then they all began to sing 'Happy Birthday' and my smile grew wide.

"....Happy Birthday to you!"

"Make a wish, honey," my mother said. I closed my eyes before I made my wish and blew out the candles.

Everyone erupted in claps and cheers. Suddenly, the lights were back on and my eyes instantly connected with Spike's. He gave me a soft smile.

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