Chapter 10

First one week passed, and then another. The three of them fell into a standard routine, and much to Buffy’s satisfaction, William continued to grow stronger. Neither mentioned the night he came to comfort her, both distinctly uncomfortable with the memory. Dawn quickly learned that William was a treasure trove of information, and so she was sure to utilize his knowledge to help study for her year-end finals.

William spent the days by himself while Buffy and Dawn were at work. Twice, he attempted to venture out of the apartment go for a walk. It was just too crowded, to loud, to dirty, and too uncomfortable for him to enjoy these trips, so he gave up on them. Instead he occupied his time with the television, always finding something new and delightful to entertain him, and with reading. And of course, writing poetry.

Since the night he held Buffy, his poetry had taken on an erotic edge. Lines extolling her creamy skin and bright smile, the gentle swell of her breast, the barest glimpse of her leg. She drove him to distraction, but he exerted a Herculean effort to keep that fact well hidden. At night when he could hear her moving in the next room, and he imagined the way she looked when she slept, the way she felt in his arms, he did his best to avoid touching himself. He struggled against the natural urges, even resorted to praying to God, begging Him to stop the torture.

Despite William’s best effort, he always gave in and quickly, sometimes even painfully, brought himself to orgasm. The guilt was nowhere near as uncomfortable as the aching hardness between his legs.

It would never even occur to William to approach Buffy with his feelings. It was more than just some sort of carnal attraction. The more time he spent with her, the more she delighted him. She was never cruel or impatient with him, and she enjoyed listening to his stories. He rarely felt uncomfortable with her, and he believed that she liked him too. But still, William would never tell. He had been mistaken in the past about a lady, and he wasn’t in a hurry to try again.

After he regained his strength, his memory returned. All of it. Every detail. Especially of the night he died. The part with Drusilla-that was frightening. Even horrific. But the part before? It was so humiliating and painful that he couldn’t even think of it without feeling the sting of angry tears. But he would never forget the lesson that taught him. Some men were meant to have a great love, and some men were only meant to dream about it.

~*~

Buffy couldn’t help but smile when she watched William help Dawn with her history essay. It was clear that Dawn was extremely grateful and also clear that William loved to help. He was constantly offering his service, agreeing to do whatever needed to be done. For example, he loved cleaning the kitchen. Of course, as a result, all of her dishes had found new homes and she didn’t know where any of her food was stored anymore. But if it made him happy and kept him entertained the long hours he was by himself, then she didn’t mind.

The only time the household’s harmony was disrupted was the evening Buffy offered to cut and style William’s hair. It was clear that the curls were driving him crazy as they flopped in his face, but he never complained. He agreed, and Buffy carefully trimmed the hair off of his face. She then showed him out to slick it back and keep it in place.

He took a handful of gel and carefully combed his hair back, then looked up at her and smiled.

“Spike,” she murmured, surprised and disoriented. William frowned.

“What?”

“Sorry, nothing. It’s just, with your hair, you look…I’m sorry.”

William messed his hair until it was a riot of curls. His seemingly constant gentle demeanor was gone, and for a second he was Spike. His mouth thinned and his eyes were hard. “I’m not him, Buffy. I won’t ever be.” Then he escaped to the privacy of his room, and Buffy was left surprised and shaken in the kitchen.

Since that night, Buffy was very, very careful to stop making comparisons between William and Spike. He was right, he would never be Spike. Not even if he was vamped again. There was no point in even thinking about it, and William deserved better than that from her.

There was one rather alarming development though. She was always physically attracted to Spike. She wasn’t blind, and he was a hottie. But when she was honest with herself, she knew the attraction to him was more than just physical. The dark undercurrents of death and desire between them, his brash attitude, the way he smirked, the way he fought, the way he moved like liquid sex. He was dangerous, even with the chip, and she couldn’t help but be attracted to him for it. He was also a mess of contradictions that confused and intrigued her. She never was a big thinker, and yet, she couldn’t help but want to sort him out. But she never could. In the end, she wanted Spike because he was Spike.

When William first moved in with them, there was no attraction. She didn’t think of him like that at all. He was just an obligation, another person she had to take care of. And while she enjoyed his company, there was never any sexual tension between them. Which was fine with Buffy. She didn’t need that kind of complication in her life.

But the night he held her and let her cry, things began to change. She didn’t know if he felt it too, but she had had more than one dream about him. Which was a welcome change of pace from her nightmares about Spike. More than once, she thought about kissing him. How would he react? Probably with complete embarrassment. And Jesus, how horrible would it feel if he rejected her advances? She did not want to jeopardize their relationship either, because it was growing into something strong.

~*~

“Why are you still awake?” William asked.

Buffy looked up from the bad horror movie she had been watching. “Not tired, I guess. Why are you still up?”

He pointed to the TV, and Buffy smiled sheepishly. “Sorry about that, I’ll turn it down.”

“What are you watching?”

“A really, really awful movie called Squirm. It’s about worms or something.”

“Ah, I’ve seen this before.”

“When?”

“It was on Mystery Science Theater last weekend. I watched it with Dawn.” He sat down on the couch. “Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Bad dreams.”

“Like the one you had a few weeks ago?” William asked gently.

“Yeah,” Buffy sighed, “Like those. I keep dreaming about my mother, and Spike and…other things.”

“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, not really. Thanks for asking though.” They were silent for several moments, when Buffy suddenly asked, “Have you ever been in love?”

William smiled sadly, “Yes, yes I fell in love once. She was beautiful, but…”

“But it didn’t work?”

“Something like that.”

“Spike told me…well, he didn’t give me many details about what happened. You don’t have to either, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“Why do you ask about it?”

“Been thinking about it a lot. Love. Being in love. What it even means. I used to think I knew, but I was wrong. I have no idea.”

“Love isn’t that hard to figure out, Buffy. It’s a feeling, right here,” he pointed to his heart, “But it’s more than that. It’s life. To love is to live.”

“Not always. Some people die for their love, kill for love.”

“To die for love would be the most glorious death of all.”

“And to kill for it? Is it worth the pain, William? Was it worth the pain?”

“What are you trying to ask me, Buffy?”

“Everything that’s happened, I never want to do it again.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

The whole time she was talking, William was studying her face, trying to figure out what she was going on about. What was on her mind? Was she trying to tell him something? He was both encouraged and discouraged by what she was saying. She didn’t want to fall in love again, but it wouldn’t be a concern if she didn’t think it could happen.

“I should go to bed.”

“It’s late,” William agreed.

“I’m off tomorrow, do you want to go somewhere?”

“Where should we go?”

“We can go see a movie, or to a museum-though I’d rather see a movie-or maybe to the Mall.”

“The Mall?”

“Yeah, do some shopping. Though, I guess shopping isn’t very high on your priority list.”

“Honestly, I have never enjoyed going to the market. That’s why we had servants.”

“You had servants?”

“Well, one. She did all the shopping, and cooking, and cleaning.”

“It must have been nice.”

William shrugged, “Just kind of natural. I wouldn’t mind going out tomorrow. Would Dawn like to come along?”

“I don’t know. I’ll have to ask her.”

The prospect of spending the entire day alone with Buffy, out in the strange world, was both frightening and exhilarating. He couldn’t wait.

William stood up to excuse himself for bed, and Buffy followed suit.

“I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow,” she promised.

“Good night, Buffy.”

Later, when she ran through the events of the night, she decided it was the way he had said her name. It was soft, but there was a texture to it. Something powerful, something she had never heard before. Something that compelled her to step forward, and cut the side of his face. He didn’t move away, but looked at her with curious blue eyes.

There was just an inch of space between them, but it took an eternity for Buffy to cross it. It seemed that she could have changed her mind a hundred times, and she probably did. William had ample opportunity to pull pack, but he didn’t move. Then their lips meant.

It would have been natural, even expected, for her to think of Spike, but she only thought of William. His virgin lips were soft and yielding, but hesitant. Buffy coaxed his lips open, and briefly let her tongue slip into his mouth. The kiss was slow and tentative, and very short. William pulled away first, his eyes wide, his cheeks flushed. Buffy smiled, but she could tell that William was uncomfortable.

“William…”

He didn’t respond, just turned around and as calmly as possible, went back to his room. Stunned, and slightly hurt, Buffy fell onto the couch. That was probably a bad move. No, strike that. Definitely a bad move.

She wouldn’t have been in the least bit surprised if William decided to not go out with her the next day.

~*~

Buffy woke up the most delicious smells, wafting lazily from the kitchen. She pulled her robe on and stumbled groggily into the room, looking for her cup of coffee.

“Good morning,” William chirped.

“Um, good morning.”

“Would you like some coffee?”

“Please. I didn’t know you knew how to cook.”

“I don’t. Dawn showed me how to do everything before she left.”

“What are we having?”

“French toast. Here, sit down and I’ll serve you.”

“You didn’t have to do this, William.”

“Oh, nonsense. It was the least I could do.”

He set the plate in front of her with flourish, and Buffy stifled her laugh. The bread was badly burnt, and the strawberry he had found for garnish was very close to being fuzzy. “It looks lovely.”

William grimaced. “No, it looks awful.” He sighed. “Dawn makes it look so easy.”

“It’s ok. We’ll get something to eat when we go out. I mean, if you still want to…”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

Ok, obviously the kiss wasn’t going to be brought up. And it wasn’t a big deal. Buffy didn’t quite know how to take this. Wasn’t he Victorian? Weren’t Victorians supposed to be all repressed, or suppressed or depressed or something? But if he didn’t want to make a big deal of it, then Buffy would follow his lead. No sense making a mountain over what was obviously a molehill.

Since William was ready for to go and was just waiting for her, Buffy hurried as quickly as possible to get ready. But it wasn’t simple. Part of her believed this was a date, and wanted to dress accordingly. She could still get quite cute when she wanted to. Another part of her knew that she was just playing the tour guide, and she shouldn’t get so excited. Of course, that didn’t really stop her from wanting to be cute, but there was a limit. How cute should she be?

She finally decided on a red sundress, braided her hair back, chose cherry red lipstick, and cute strappy shoes that she hadn’t had a chance to wear yet. She looked good, but not too good. Not “This is a date and I’m dying to impress you” good.

The day with William passed rather quickly. Then went to the movies, a sappy romantic thing. It was the only film not showed out when they got there. She took him to eat at her favorite restaurant, and he dug into his large cheese burger with gusto. She showed him around the Mall and he pretended to be interested in all the girly clothes shops and shoe stores.

When they finally returned home, exhausted and ladened with bags, they were laughing and the awkwardness of the night before was long forgotten. Well, not completely forgotten. William would never forget the way her warm lips felt, and the sweet taste he had of them before he pulled back.

He was still cursing himself for running away. There was absolutely no reason to bolt like that. There was no reason to act like a shy, silly coward. What must she think of me he fretted. And all day, no matter where they were at or what they were doing, he wanted to kiss her again. While they were walking outside, he wondered if her lips would taste of sunshine. Over dessert, he wondered if he could catch a trace of her chocolate ice cream. He wondered if her lips tasted different after she smiled, after she frowned, after she laughed. He was dying to find out, but he never tried.

Dawn wasn’t home when they got back, and William knew that it would be the last chance of the day. If he wanted to kiss her again, he couldn’t wait. William felt that he had a very small window of opportunity. But most of all, he had never felt more comfortable with anybody as he did with Buffy all day.

She was talking excitedly about a new dress that she found on sale for half off the first sale price when he did it. He closed his eyes and held his breath, and brushed her lips with his. She was startled, but she didn’t push him away like he feared she would. Instead, she opened her mouth for him-a silent invitation. For just a moment, he was torn with indecision, but then he accepted.

Neither one of them wanted to break the kiss, and so it stretched for long minutes, each second made the longing increase. William felt his blood stir and longed for more, but didn’t even dare touch her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he relaxed, and let his arms naturally fold around her.

Chapter 11

“So,” Dawn said casually, “I saw you two playing kissy-face last night.”

Buffy dropped her spoon in shock. “We were not playing kissy-face!”

“Whatever, Buffy, I saw you practically sucked his face off.”

Buffy sighed. “It was just a goodnight kiss.”

“It looked like a lot more than that.”

“Why do you even care?”

“Are you falling in love with him?” Dawn asked seriously, all traces of the earlier humor wiped away.

“What? What kind of question is that?”

“A serious question, Buffy. Are you?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Look, Buffy, I get that you’re a private person. You don’t want to share, that’s fine. But don’t play with him, Buffy. He’s not Spike, he won’t be able to take it.”

“Dawn, I don’t think…”

“Buffy listen to me-if you aren’t serious about him, don’t lead him on. Because he is serious about you.”

“What do you…” Buffy’s question was cut off by the ringing phone. “Hello?”

“It’s Wes. Can you come to the office today?”

“I have to work, I’ll be there around 7?”

“Come earlier if possible. This is important.”

“Right, I’ll be there.”

~*~

Wes was pacing the room nervously when Buffy arrived. “What’s up?”

“Remember the passage I found?”

“About William needing strength?”

“Yes, well, there are apparently multiple passages. I’ve seen references not only to strength but also life, and death. There doesn’t seem to be any clear meaning.”

“Are we running out of time?”

“We will need to do something soon. It’s true William is getting stronger, but that won’t last much longer.”

Buffy kept careful control of herself. “You have books and resources from multiple dimensions, and you can’t find the answer?”

“Buffy, you have to understand that this is hardly a common occurrence. As far as I can tell, this is the first time this has happened in recorded history.”

“Then how did Dorjan manage it?”

“That’s another problem, Buffy. Something guided him. Dorjan is currently in a containment room to stop him from practicing more magic, but he recently asked for a pen and paper. His writings are very disconcerting.”

“What?”

“He’s writing, well, I guess channeling would be better word, a spell. He goes into a trance to write and well, it’s rather frightening.”

“What’s the spell?” Buffy asked impatiently.

“It’s to bring Spike back.”

“What? I told him to stop!”

“I don’t think it has anything to do with you, Buffy. Something takes him over…”

“How close is he?”

Wesley shrugged, “From what I can tell, it’ll work. This spell can bring Spike back as he was just before he died. Someone just needs to perform it.”

“Who would do this? Who is sending the spell?”

“It could be an agent of evil, or an agent of good. It’s impossible to tell, especially if it has anything to do with the Powers.”

“Is there anyway you could find out?”

“There are a few oracles, but they are notoriously hard to work with. I’ll contact them, but there is no guarantee it will bring any results.”

“Do the best you can. If someone is trying to bring back Spike, we have to know who and why.”

“Buffy, I know this is rather hard on you…”

“No, don’t. This is my fault, I’ll have to deal with it.”

“Maybe, Buffy, maybe not.”

“I’m sorry this is taking up so much of your time…”

Wes shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I think this is bigger than any of us initially thought. And I think this needs my attention more than anything else right now.”

“Have you talked to Angel?”

“Not yet, but I’m going to have to. He is the boss here, and he needs to be kept updated-especially if it’s as serious as I suspect it is.”

“Thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem. I’ll call you as soon as anything else comes up. Buffy?”

“Yes?”

“How is William?”

“He’s good.”

“Is he adjusting well?”

“He is.”

“Be careful Buffy. We don’t know what’s in store for William.”

Buffy frowned. “I will be.”

She kept complete control over herself until she was in her car, and then all of her muscles went lax. The energy was completely sapped out of her body. She couldn’t move, couldn’t cry, couldn’t do anything except rethink what Wes had said over and over.

They could bring Spike back. Something was determined to bring Spike back. William could die. Oh God, what a mess. The thought of remaining in her car indefinitely so she wouldn’t have to deal with all of this was extremely tempting. So tempting in fact that when she started driving, she went the opposite direction of her apartment.

She wasn’t going to abandon Dawn and William, but she couldn’t face them. She drove through the endless winding streets of LA, occasionally jumping one on of the freeways until she was completely lost. She figured she could distract herself by figuring how the hell to get home.

Buffy wasn’t even paying attention to the street names, or the time, or the cars around her. She was driving on auto-pilot, fear and adrenalin fueling her. She didn’t realize it, but she was choosing flight over fight, and though she couldn’t get far, that didn’t stop her from trying.

The memory of the dreams hit her full force as she was merging onto the 10 Freeway. She slammed on her breaks and was nearly hit by a large Semi-truck. With shaky hands and gasping breaths, she exited the freeway and pulled off at the first gas station she found.

She sat in the car shaking, silent tears streaming down her eyes. He couldn’t follow Joyce. He had other places to be. That’s what he told her. He couldn’t follow Joyce to heaven. He told her, and she thought they were nightmares. But how could he be in Hell? He saved the world. He saved them all, how could be not be in Heaven?

She knew she couldn’t drive home, she couldn’t do anything. It took her 3 attempts to turn off the car, and it took ten minutes to dig out 50 cents with her shaking hands. She was so distracted by her failed attempts to dial Willow’s number, that she didn’t hear the vampires until they were on top of her.

Buffy fought with an ease that could only come from nearly a decade of practice, but she was too shaken, too distracted to beat them off easily. By the time she took all four of them, she was tired and bleeding from various scratches. Gripping her arm with one hand, she attempted to call Willow again.

“Willow? Are you busy?”

“No, no, what’s up Buffy?”

“I need help.”

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I’m lost, and I’m bleeding.”

“Do you have any idea where you are?”

“No. Can you do a location spell and give me directions home?”

“I can try, hold on.”

Buffy found a pen and on receipt in her purse, and ten minutes later, the bleeding and stopped and she was armed with directions home. Now that the crisis was over, she could get a hold over herself before she tried driving again.

She went into the gas station and bough a half dozen candy bars. She didn’t start her car until she ate every single one. The chocolate had a calming effect, and it gave her the energy to drive the long distance home, but above all else, it gave her time to think. There was no point in panicking or getting upset, not yet. They didn’t have the full information, and freaking out wouldn’t solve anything.

Thus calmed, she started the car and very carefully merged onto the 10. Traffic was low, and she made it home in good time. She decided not to tell Dawn or William what Wes had revealed; it would be easier to deal with that mess when it was absolutely necessary and not a moment before.

She knew that she should call a meeting between herself, the old Scoobs, and Angel’s gang, and lay everything out on the table. She would disclose everything, including her relationship with William. Except, she didn’t exactly know what that relationship was. Another thing she could put off and think about only when it was absolutely necessary.

Kissing the night before had been amazing. It had been a very long time since she had had any sort of real physical contact, and her body craved it. William wasn’t the greatest kisser, but for somebody so inexperienced, he was quite good. There were a few miscommunications, and a few mistakes, but it wasn’t really awkward. And she wanted to do it again. Not necessarily anymore than kissing-for now, kissing was great.

They would need to talk about this, decide where exactly they stood with each other. Dawn was right-she couldn’t treat him like Spike, keeping him at arm’s length and shutting him out emotionally. William wouldn’t be able to deal with that, William didn’t deserve that, and she didn’t want to do that.

The only problem was, she didn’t know what to do to keep that from happening. She had been so shut off from people for so long. She told Angel she needed to bake, but she had no idea if she was still raw. What if she was? How would that effect a possible relationship with William.

Just the phrase kind of freaked her out. Relationship with William. An actual relationship. Not like she had with Angel, or Riley, or even Spike. He wasn’t a vampire, or a military guy, or had any special powers of any kind. He couldn’t fight with her, and he couldn’t really be part of a Slayer’s life. And for the first time, that didn’t matter. It didn’t matter at all, because other than the odd run-in with a vamp, she wasn’t the Slayer anymore.

She knew it, logically, for the past year, but the full force of the fact hit her and she almost swerved the car. Holy shit, I can have a real relationship! It was true that William was far from normal in the traditional sense of the word, being the nearly reanimated corpse of a man who died over a century ago and was brought forth due to magic used to resurrect a vampire who saved the world, but in Buffy’s universe, that was about as normal as normal got.

By the time she reached home, she was feeling sick from the chocolate, but also considerably calmer. She had a plan. She could cope if she had a plan. She wasn’t usually plan-girl, but plans led to actions, and she was definitely action-girl. She would go to sleep, she would call everybody tomorrow, she would meet them as soon as possible, and she would talk to William. Not necessarily in that order, but it would all happen. And then she could go from there.

Chapter 12

William tried to stay up for Buffy, but he fell asleep long before she returned. It was unusual for her to disappear like that it, and it troubled him greatly. Was she mad at him? Trying to avoid him?

Kissing her had been amazing, life changing even. He was unsure of what to do though, how he should proceed, what he should expect from her. Where he came from, nice girls did not kiss like that, and he had absolutely no way of knowing how common or acceptable it was for Buffy to kiss him. Which meant he had no way of knowing how to treat her.

He also didn’t know what it meant. Maybe it meant she liked him. Maybe it meant she was lonely. Maybe it meant she was bored. Maybe he dreamed the whole thing. Maybe she would breeze into the house, covered in sunlight, and act as though nothing at all happened. Or maybe she expected him to make the next move.

It was all very confusing, and William fretted over it until his stomach was twisted in painful knots.

The next morning, William woke up early with the hope of catching Buffy before she left for work. But by the time he dressed, she was already gone. Dawn informed him that she was picking up some extra hours on the morning shift.

William sighed and dejectedly poked at his breakfast.

“What’s wrong, Will?”

He looked up at Dawn. “Nothing, nothing at all.”

“Come on, you look like somebody killed your cat.”

“No, I don’t have a cat.”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “You look sad. Now what’s wrong?”

“Buffy.”

“Why am I not surprised? Have you talked to her at all lately?”

“No, not since…”

“You kissed her?”

William narrowed his eyes. “How did you know about that?”

“I saw you.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Do you love her?” Dawn asked gently.

William released a shaky breath and ran his fingers his hair nervously-nervous tic # 33. Dawn wouldn’t be surprised if William picked up smoking, he needed something to calm his nerves. He was constantly doing something with his hands, especially when he was upset or nervous.

“You don’t have to answer,” she continued. “If it’s too private. But I might be able to help.”

William shook his head and stood up quickly. “I’ve got to go.”

Dawn grabbed his hand, and stopped him. Curious blue eyes clashed with frightened ones. “What are you scared of, William?”

“Scared? You’re mistaken. I’m not scared at all.” He didn’t leave, rather began pacing the small kitchen. “Why should I be scared?”

“Because maybe she doesn’t feel the same way?” Dawn suggested.

William paused and tilted his head. He studied Dawn, as though she was a unique and exotic specimen, something he never saw before. Then in a perfectly even, reasonable voice he said, “Why would she ever feel the same way about me?”

Dawn gaped. “What do you mean?”

His tone remained serious, though now his voice shook slightly. “You know who Buffy loves, Dawn. We both do, and I doubt that will ever change. Especially for me.”

“Spike?”

“Of course, Spike.”

Dawn worried her lower lip, unsure of what to say. She knew it was true that Buffy loved Spike, maybe more than anybody she had ever loved. Maybe less. It was really impossible to tell with Buffy, whose emotions were carefully schooled behind a veneer or stone. But she did try to bring Spike back, didn’t she?

“Spike’s been dead for a year…” Dawn started.

William shook his head, “That doesn’t matter. If she truly loved him, she’ll always love him. No matter what.”

“How do you know?”

He shrugged sadly. “That’s how love is.”

“When were you in love, William?”

“Never,” he admitted, “Not with her, anyway.” He looked up and met Dawn’s eyes, tears sparkling in his own. “And she killed me. What will Buffy do?”

~*~

The plan Buffy had come up with the night before had been a good one. She liked it. It covered all the bases. The problem was, however, that she was too much of a coward to implement it. She could slay demons and stop the world from ending, but she couldn’t come clean with her feelings.

She skipped the Lean Cuisine at lunch and called Giles instead. She hated making long distance calls on her cell, but she didn’t think she could do this from her place, not with William and Dawn lurking about.

“Hello?”

“Giles! Hi!” Forced perkiness always came across as something closer to hysterics.

“Hello, Buffy,” Giles greeted warmly. “How are you?”

“Um, good. You?”

“I’m well. We’re making great head-way in the getting the Council put back together. I’m quite excited about it.”

“That’s great,” she said, even as she grimaced at the thought of a whole new generation of watchers. “I don’t suppose you could make some time to visit?”

“Why, Buffy? What’s wrong?”

“Why does anything have to be wrong? Can’t a Slayer miss her Watcher?”

“Buffy?”

She sighed, “There’s a problem. I don’t know how big it is, and it’s too hard to explain on the phone. You need to come out here.”

“When?”

“Yesterday.”

“Is it really that urgent, Buffy?”

Buffy thought of William-dying-and Spike-reappearing. “Yes, it is. Wes has been helping me with the problem, but we need you. I need everybody.”

“Well, I could attempt to teleport…”

“Doesn’t that take up too much magic?”

“Don’t worry Buffy, I’ll call you when I figure something out. What time will you be home tonight?”

“Six.”

“Great, have a good afternoon, Buffy.”

And it was as simple as that. Fortunately, the conversation hadn’t been terribly awkward, and despite her misgivings, she was genuinely excited to see Giles again.

She had some time left, so she called and left voice messages for Willow and Xander, to let them know that she needed to see them, and that Giles was coming. She checked her own messages and was relieved to find that Wes hadn’t called with another warning of doom.

The hours rolled away, and she couldn’t put off going home any longer.

“Where’s Dawn?” She asked as way of greeting, when she entered her dark, silent apartment. William was sitting on the couch, by himself, obviously deep in thought.

“Out?”

“How are you?”

“Fine.”

“Whatcha doing?”

“Thinking.”

“Mind if join you?”

“Not at all.”

Buffy plopped down on the couch next to him, and rubbed her eyes.

“How was work?”

“You know, it was work. Same old, same old.”

“Oh.”

Silence. Long, dark, timeless silence. Uncomfortable. Tense. Buffy tried to think of ways of breaking it, and it occurred to her that she could skip the talking and go right to the kissing. But that approach hadn’t worked too well for her in the past, and she felt that she had gained a bit of wisdom with her last birthday. Maybe not a lot, but enough to know that she couldn’t gloss over her problems anymore.

On that note: “We need to talk.”

“Yes we do,” William agreed softly.

“I’ll start. I’m not very good with emotions, or talking. I’m more of a doer. As you can imagine that doesn’t make relationships very easy. The people who are closest to me-well, they’ve always known me as the Slayer, but they knew me as Buffy before I locked myself off from them. Does that make sense?”

“It does.”

“And now I’ve started a new chapter in my life. I can be Buffy again, but it’s hard. I don’t know if I remember how-how to act, how to be, how to feel. Last year, with Spike, I was beginning to learn again. And then we saved the world and, well, I could finish baking.”

“Right.”

“I don’t know what to do, William.”

“What do you want to do, Buffy?”

“I want to have a relationship with somebody that doesn’t end in death and destruction. I don’t know if I want a normal life, but a relatively sane one would be nice. And I think…I think that’s possible. Now. For the first time. I think it’s possible with…” Her voice faltered, her strength crumbling beneath the weight of his stare.

“With?” He prompted.

“With you.”

~*~

Giles arrived 36 hours later, smiling, obviously happy to see his Slayer again. It had been a long time, and when he left, they weren’t on the best of terms. The wound of losing Spike had been too raw and fresh, his earlier betrayal like salt in it. It stretched between them, and Giles didn’t know how to cross it. But some time, some distance had healed those things, and when he knocked on Buffy’s door, she launched herself into his arms.

“Giles! I’m so happy to see you again.”

“I’m happy to see you Buffy.” He hugged her tightly, and she squeezed him until he was short of breath, but he didn’t complain.

“There’s somebody I want you to meet.”

“Oh?”

Buffy stepped back and William emerged from the kitchen. “Giles, this is…”

Giles reacted before he thought, springing forward, and grabbing the man’s collar. “Spike.” His voice dripped with venom.

“Giles? What is wrong with you?” Buffy tugged her ex-watcher away from William, with more strength than necessary, and Giles went stumbling across the room. “This isn’t Spike!”

Giles looked up, confused. “Then who is it?”

“It’s William. William.”

“William?”

Buffy sighed. “It’s a long story, Giles. And that’s why you are here.”

Giles straightened and took his glasses off, cleaning them furiously. “I see.” He replaced the glasses and put his hand out. “I apologize, William.”

Gingerly, William stepped forward and took his hand, shaking it politely. “Quite alright. I’ve learned that Spike elicits strong emotional reactions from people.”

“Yes, he does.” Giles turned his attention to Buffy, who still had an angry glint in her eye. “I can see this will take some time to explain.”

“I want to wait until everybody gets here. I don’t want to try to explain it more than once.”

“Sounds good.”

“The rest should be here soon, do you want anything?”

“A drink would be good. Whatever you have.”

“I’ll be right back, just, have a seat.”

Giles sat on the couch, but William remained standing.

“How long have you been here?” Giles asked.

“Nearly a month.”

Giles narrowed his eyes. “Is there something wrong with you? You look ill.”

“I have been ill since…since I got here.”

“Does Buffy know?”

“She knows I’m ill, she says that she is trying to fix it. She thinks I’m better now, though.”

“And you’re not?”

“No.”

Buffy came back with Diet Cokes for everybody. “I don’t have anything else,” she apologized.

“Quite alright.”

Within the next ten minutes, Willow, Kennedy, and Xander arrived. Wes and Angel arrived twenty minutes later. In the meantime, William politely put up with the staring, the questions, and the whispering. Buffy’s smile was as strained as the conversation.

When everybody had arrived and settled in the living room, Buffy took a deep breath and launched into her carefully planned speech.

“I called everybody because I want all of you to meet William, and I want to explain what happened. Also, Wes has some important information that we need to talk about. Ok, last month was the anniversary of the battle. I was drunk and I was distraught, and so I did something I shouldn’t have done. I called a sorcerer and asked him to bring Spike back. I changed my mind, but he tried anyway. He failed in bringing Spike back, but he succeeded in bringing forth William.”

“How?” Giles asked.

“I’m a little sketchy on the magic, but I believe he was attempting to bring forth William’s body to, well, put Spike into. But he made a mistake, and when William arrived, he was still alive. The problem is, he’s been sick. The bite on his neck will not heal, and though he’s grown stronger in the past month he’s still not healthy.”

“That’s what I have been looking into,” Wesley announced. “But there have been some problems. One, it is unclear what exactly we need to do to help him. The passage has been translated several times, and each one is slightly different. Unfortunately, I can’t find the original language. But matters are further complicated by Dorjan. He has somehow discovered a way to bring back Spike.”

William was studying Buffy’s face as Wes spoke, and he couldn’t miss the slight smile, the hopeful glint in her eye.

“But,” Wesley continued, “after careful examination, two things have become clear to me. William and Spike cannot exist at the same time. For Dorjan’s spell to work, William would have to, well…” He looked apologetically at the ashen man sitting on the couch, his hands folded primly on his lap. “Die.”

“Why do we need the spell to work at all?” Giles demanded. He much preferred William over Spike. Much, much.

“Because we have reason to believe it’s the Powers that are trying to make this happen,” Angel said, speaking for the first time. “Which means, we might have our hands tied.”

“I need your help,” Buffy announced. “We do’t know what’s going on, or what we should do…”

“So that means…” Willow started.

“Research party,” Xander finished.

Chapter 13

“Save my life.”

Buffy woke up gasping for breath, but not sobbing. She knew he was trying to talk to her, knew that there was something he needed her to do. But what? How? When he said his life, what did he mean? His literal life? His life as Spike?

Buffy stumbled through the dark into the bathroom, her stomach in her throat. She felt like puking. It had been five nights since Giles arrived, and they had poured over books, parchments, catalogues, the Internet, made phone calls, and Wes disappeared to find his Oracle.

And so far, they had nothing.

Buffy dreamt of Spike every night, and every day recounted as many of the details as she could, hoping that it would provide some clue. They listened politely, took notes, did some cross-referencing, dug for symbolism and meaning, but so far, that too had been fruitless.

Angel reported that Dorjan was still brainstorming spells. Every day he had a new one, and every one of them would have worked, according to Willow.

William grew more and more distant. Buffy tried talking to him, but as each dream and spell was revealed, his eyes dimmed. She tried to talk to him, but he didn’t show any interest. He stopped watching television. He abandoned the kitchen, and no longer experimented with making breakfast.

Buffy suspected she knew what he was doing. He was preparing to die, the inevitable end was clear to him, and he didn’t want it to catch him off guard. He retreated to his room with his books and poetry.

Buffy stood in the hallway, torn and unsure. She knew William was still awake-he rarely slept anymore, at least, not that she was aware of-and she desperately wanted to talk to him. She didn’t know what she could possibly tell him to cheer him up. She didn’t have the answers either, and a part of her had already said goodbye to him.

It seemed that Spike coming back was inevitable, and that should have made her happy. The same part of her that had already said goodbye to William was making room to welcome Spike back into her life. Each night when she woke from her dreams, she did so with a deep longing for him.

But, she felt drawn to William. Her feet carried her towards his door. She raised her fist to knock. She put it down again. She bit her lip. She gathered her nerves and tapped on the door gently. “William?”

The door was flung open, and Buffy gasped. William looked…wild, was the only word she can think of. Normally he dressed himself carefully, but his clothes looked dirty and were very wrinkled, his shirt half tucked in. His hair was flying in every direction, his pale skin flushed red, his eyes darting around erratically.

They stood staring at each other, both silent. William was breathing hard, his nostrils flaring, and arousal stirred in Buffy’s belly. Without a word, William grabbed her arm and pulled her roughly into the bedroom, and slammed the door behind her. She allowed him to push her against the door, and when he claimed her mouth with a ferocity that both stunned and excited her, she responded enthusiastically.

He finally pulled back to catch his breath. Buffy opened her eyes to study his face, to see what was going on behind his veiled eyes. She wondered if he was angry with her, but before she could ask, he smiled shyly at her. Her heart melted. He looked so sweet when he smiled, especially when he ducked his head slightly, and looked up at her with those sweet blue eyes.

“Oh William,” she whispered, “Why have you been hiding from me?”

“Not…been…hiding,” he said between kisses.

She wrapped her arms around him. “I haven’t seen you in days.”

“I’ve been trying to stay out of your way,” he answered, after another long, slow kiss.

“You won’t be in the way. But I can understand if you don’t want to help…This must be so hard on you, William. I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head, “If you want, I’ll help anyway I can.”

“Have you been mad at me? Is that why you’ve been hiding in your room?”

William kissed her forehead. “I could never be mad at you, Love. I just don’t know what to do with all of your friends here. I do not enjoy crowds…”

She kissed the corner of his mouth, his cheek, his jaw, his neck. “It’s ok. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“Why would I be uncomfortable around you, William?”

“I might make it difficult for you…when you have to make your decision.”

“Look, we don’t even know if I will have to make a decision at all,” Buffy pointed out, rather lamely.

He ran a thumb across her cheek gently. “Yes you will, probably sooner rather than later.”

“William, I wasn’t lying when I said I that I could make something with you…”

“I wasn’t lying when I said that I wanted you to, Buffy. But you have to follow your heart, and I can’s stand in the way of that.”

Buffy sighed, “That’s my problem. I never know what my crazy heart wants.”

“I don’t believe that, Buffy.”

The whole time they talked, they exchanged soft kisses, sometimes even chaste kisses, both craving contact, seeking comfort. Buffy took it up a step by trailing her fingers under his shirt, across his finger, down his stomach.

“What have you been doing in here?”

“Writing, mainly.”

“Can you tell me?”

Buffy could see the conflict in his eyes, even a bit of fear. But finally, he stepped back and indicated she should sit on the bed. He rummaged through his notebook, until he found the page he wanted near the back.

He cleared his throat, and kept his eyes firmly on the paper in front of him. His heart was beating so fast he could hear it pound in his ears.

“I’m blinded by the sunlight,

Shining with intense might,

From her glorious eyes,

Whether it be day or night.

I long to kiss her skin

To hold her tight

For her to invite me in

To….I’m sorry, I can’t finish this.”

Buffy jumped up. “Why? Why not, William? It was beautiful.”

He shook his head self-consciously. “I’m not very good, and no matter how hard I try, I can never get the words right. I lose them.”

“They sounded fine to me.”

William shook his head. “No, they are awful. William the Bloody…” he muttered underneath his breath.

She cupped his cheek and forced him to look at her. “Don’t call yourself that, William. Just, tell me how it feels. What are the right words?”

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered. “Absolutely beautiful. The way your eyes sparkle when you laugh, the way you taste when I kiss you, the way your hair falls around you like a silk waterfall around your creamy skin.”

“Those words sound good to me.”

She thread her fingers through his hair and pulled him to her lips for another kiss. It was gentle, and he tasted the words he needed on her lips. Sparkling, glowing, effulgent…

Tentatively, William allowed his hands to wander around her body. He stroked her hair, and then rubbed her back with large circles. His fingers briefly brushed against her lower back, teasing the waistband of her pajamas, but he pulled away from that, too nervous to go further.

“You can touch me.”

“I know. I’m just…”

“Nervous?”

He nodded.

“Don’t be,” she whispered in his ear.

With newfound courage, he returned his attention to her body. He slipped his hand under the front of her shirt, and his knuckles brushed the underside of her breast. Buffy moaned in response, and William felt like he was going to come right there. It was too much, having her press her body against him, encouraging him to rub her, touch her, moaning and cooing in his ear.

“I can’t do this, Buffy.”

She looked up at him with questioning eyes. “Don’t you want to?”

He nodded, “I do.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I just…I just can’t, Buffy. Please.”

She stepped away, frowning. “I don’t want to make you do anything, William. I don’t want to rush you into anything.” She didn’t understand what he was scared of, but it was clear he was terrified of something. “Maybe we should just call it a night.”

“I’m sorry, Buffy.”

She kissed his cheek. “Don’t be. Have a good night, William.”

Chapter 14

She told William not to be sorry, but she was. Very, very sorry. She couldn’t believe how much she wanted him, though it mad sense if you thought about it. She hadn’t had any real sexual contact since…well, since before Spike got his soul.

Buffy craved it, and it took all of her might to not march back into William’s room and explain he had nothing to be afraid of, and show him exactly what she needed him to do. But there was a voice in the back of her head admonishing her. It wasn’t time, it was too soon, it wasn’t right.

As soon as she was settled comfortably on the couch, she slipped her hand under her panties. As she rubbed herself, her thoughts drifted around William. The kisses were very good, none of the hunger, but when he allowed himself, all of the passion of Spike. But, William wasn’t the push she needed, so she settled in and thought of Spike.

His fingers sliding up her thighs, caressing them gently. His tongue flicking around her moist sex until she squirmed, needing much, much more. His lips trailing wet kisses up her body, alternately licking and biting, hitting every sensitive point on her body, nuzzling her neck, kissing her mouth hard enough to take her breath away.

She thought of Spike whispering dirty promises in her ear, encouraging her to just let go, encouraging her to beg for more, daring her to ask him to stop. Dirty words cloaked in his silky voice, caressing her the same way his fingers did.

Buffy’s memories shifted and changed, and suddenly instead of fighting him in bed, she was fighting him to the death. His lean body ducking and dodging, hitting her back, as he smirked his challenge at her. He wasn’t afraid of her, he could take her, self-confidence shining from his blue eyes. He moved like a panther, whirling around her, and she easily followed him. She always loved fighting with him, sparring with him, dominating him, winning.

Her mind shifted back, and they were in bed again. He was above her, positioning himself, steadying her, teasing her. She rubbed herself faster she imagined the way he would smile slightly before sliding into her, the way he lifted her legs and angled himself, the way he would take her slowly-much much too slowly-just to torment of her. She would grip him with her legs and thrust her hips, forcing him to move faster. And he would.

The orgasm came so quickly that it caught her off guard, and his name slipped from her mouth before she could stop it. “Spike.”

Exhausted, relieved, temporarily sated, she drifted to sleep.

~*~

William was in a lot of pain. When Buffy left, he was in a lot of physical pain. He was so hard that he was pretty sure it would never go away. He couldn’t even touch himself, because he was far too sensitive It actually felt like somebody had kicked him squarely in the balls. When he was 12, an older boy had held him down while another kneed him in the groin. It felt like that, except worse.

He shouldn’t have chickened out. He shouldn’t have sent her away, even if he was so terrified he could feel it in his bones. He should have graciously taken what she was so willing to offer. If he had, he wouldn’t be in this really, really horrible situation.

William was reclined on his bed with his eyes closed, willing the pain to go away, when he heard it. Spike.

All of a sudden, the physical pain would have been a welcome release. The dull ache radiating from his groin went unnoticed over the piercing ache in his chest. She left him and immediately thought of Spike.

William was forced to confront what had been plaguing his mind for the past week. He was just a temporary replacement, distraction, until Spike came back. William had Spike’s face, his body, and for a lonely, broken heart, maybe that was enough. Every time he tried to put it behind him, he was forced to remember that he was there by mistake. The one she really wanted was gone.

But just for now.

William knew that Buffy would be forced to make her decision soon, and they all knew what it would be. He was fairly sure that the only reason she hadn’t made it yet was because of some misplaced loyalty to him, or maybe just a guilty conscience. All she was doing was delaying the inevitable, and breaking both their hearts. He should make the decision easier for her.

It seemed pretty obvious what he had to do. He rolled on his side, staring at the wall sightlessly as he began to make his plans.

~*~

The Oracle had trials, as any good Oracle does, but nothing Wes couldn’t handle. In fact, they were relatively simple. Slay a demon there, stake a vampire here, and conquer a test of faith. Standard stuff.

“What are you doing here, Watcher?” The priestess hissed.

“I came to ask a question.”

“You may ask one.”

No sense in beating around the bush.

“Why do the Powers want to bring back Spike, William the Bloody?”

“They wish to create balance.”

“Balance?”

“I will not answer another question.”

Wesley growled in frustration. “This is important, damnit!”

“To whom?”

“To the Slayer, Protector of the World, and Angel, Champion of the People.”

“You speak on their behalf?”

“I do.”

“You have powerful allies, Watcher. The Balance has been upset by the Slayer. One life force has been split into two.”

“William?”

“Both cannot survive.”

“How can we fix it?”

“I cannot reveal more.”

Wes sighed. At least it was a start. “Thank you.”

He paid her the proper respects, and left the crystals he brought as offerings, and then returned to the sunshine.

It was clear to him, now. William needed strength, life, and death. But not anybody’s-he needed Spike’s. He was correct before, both of them could not survive this.

~*~

Angel was watching Dorjan scribble furiously on a legal pad. Another day, another spell. His productivity had increased. Now he was turning out at least two, if not three. All of them unique. He handed them to Angel-only Angel-with big eyes and a shaking hand.

It pained him to received these messages. That much was obvious. When he was done channeling the spells, he was always pale, shaking, and very dehydrated. He hadn’t had anything to eat for over a week. Every time somebody fed him, he would turn his head and push the food away, as though it was completely repugnant to him.

Angel never knew Dorjan well, but he knew that Dorjan was a powerful ally, and one that Angel did not want to lose. There was no doubt that if this kept up, it would kill him. When Willow came to look at him, she was more than just a little alarmed.

“You have to make him eat,” she insisted.

“I’ve tried.”

“He needs his strength. This type of magic is extremely powerful, and just receiving the spells can take a lot out of a person.”

Angel promised to hook him to an IV if he had to, so that Dorjan could receive the proper nutrients. But even that didn’t work. He ripped the needle out of his arm, and flung himself off the bed, babbling and angry, his eyes wild. He had also grown increasingly incoherent, until the only thing that made sense was his spells. He was unable to write or speak otherwise.

Angel had no doubt that if they didn’t end this quickly, Dorjan would die. And whoever was trying to bring Spike to life would move on to the next most powerful witch available. The one closest to the situation.

Willow.

~*~

Giles rarely slept anymore. He would catch a few hours when he could, but his time was absorbed by research. He was extremely curious and intrigued, and very interested in figuring out what the hell was going on. But he had a bigger reason for throwing himself into research.

It was clear the uncertainty was tearing Buffy apart. He saw the wistful expression on her face when she looked at William, and the hopeful expression in her eyes when she thought of Spike. He had come to terms with the fact that his Slayer loved her vampire-even if he didn’t like it. But it was also increasingly clear that she had strong feelings for Spike’s human counterpart.

Giles wasn’t surprised that Buffy was attracted to William. He was the opposite of Spike in many ways-quiet, thoughtful, shy-but in two respects, he was very similar to Spike. It was clear to anybody with eyes that William loved Buffy, and it was also clear that William represented a safe place, a quiet place, for her to go when the world got to be too much. She relied on him as she had grown to rely on Spike.

Giles had his own beliefs of who Buffy should be with. But that didn’t matter. He wanted to do whatever was in his power to make her happy, to bring her peace. She had been fighting for too long, and now she had a chance to be happy.

Giles was determined that whatever choice she made, it would be the right one, and he would help her get there come hell or high water.

~*~

Buffy woke up early, eager to start the day. She had it off from work, Wes was supposed to be back from his visit to the Oracle, and she thought maybe she would take William out to lunch, to give him a break from the apartment.

After she fell back asleep, she didn’t have any more dreams. At all. For the first time in weeks, she was able to sleep peacefully and deeply. Usually William was awake before she was, but she didn’t hear any noise from his room. Happy that he was getting some much needed sleep, she decided to leave him alone.

By noon, Giles and Willow were there, comparing notes and discussing what had already been discussed a hundred times before. There would be no new information until Wesley returned, and Buffy was practically climbing the walls when he finally showed up, two hours later.

“What did you find out?” Buffy demanded as soon as he walked in.

“Something quite interesting. Maybe William should hear this too? It directly effects him.”

Buffy nodded. “He’s been sleeping all day. Let me go see if he’s awake.”

She returned five minutes later, pale, shaking.

“Buffy?” Giles said sharply. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s gone,” she whispered.

“What do you mean he’s gone?”

“He left…he’s not here.” She thrust the crumpled up paper into Wes’s hands, before she collapsed, boneless, on a nearby chair.

“Oh dear,” Wes muttered as he read the short letter. “Oh dear.”

“What is it?” Willow demanded.

“Do you mind if I read this out loud?” Wes asked.

Buffy shook her head dully.

“Dear Buffy, I’ve been thinking a lot about us, and you, and Spike. I know what you have to do, and you’ve been putting it off because of me. I know what it feels like to love somebody as much as you obviously love Spike. I cannot, in good conscience, stay here and remain between you and he. Good luck, Buffy. I hope you have a beautiful life with him. You deserve it. Yours truly, William.”

“How can he think I would just kill him?” Buffy asked, nobody in particular. “After…how could he think I would just kill him?”

“Do you know where he could have gone?” Giles asked gently.

She shook her head. “He never left the apartment. The noise, the people, it bothered him. He wouldn’t have anywhere to go, or anyway to pay.” She looked up at them, her eyes dry but pleading. “We have to find him.”

“We’ll do anything we can,” Giles promised.

“How could he think I would just kill him?” She asked again, her voice thick with unshed tears and confusion.

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