Chapter 19

Shocked, and mildly horrified, Buffy stumbled back from the bed. Wes and Willow continued to chant, and she vaguely heard Giles join in. She couldn’t take her eyes off of William’s pale face, though she badly wanted to look away. Her heart pounded, and waves of uneasy regret washed over her. She shouldn’t have done this. She shouldn’t have risked this. She needed to go.

Buffy turned to flee the room, but Giles grabbed her. “Buffy! You can’t leave.”

“I have to,” she gasped. “I have to. I can’t stay.”

“Buffy we need you to stay in here.” Giles’ voice was loud, nearing panic. “Spike will need you.”

“I can’t. You don’t understand, Giles. He…I…I’m killing him. I can’t…”

Willow and Wes’s voice climbed higher, and a shiver danced across Buffy’s body. She was buzzing, the hair on the back of her neck standing up. The air hummed and cackled with electricity, and a bright flash of light illuminated the room in a grotesque white. Giles clutched Buffy’s arms and spun her around. “You have to go to him.”

“I can’t,” she whispered. “I can’t watch him die.”

“He’s not going to die, Buffy.”

Giles voice was calm, firm, but it didn’t reassure her. She knew what they were doing-they were turning him into a vampire. Vampire meant death. Which meant William was gone. They hadn’t thought this through. How would they send Spike away and keep William? They couldn’t, because he was dying, and after Spike left all that would be was dust.

“He’s going to be dust,” she said frantically. “I can’t do that to him, Giles!”

“Buffy, you need to get a hold of yourself. He is not going to turn into dust.”

Behind them, on the bed, the body started to quiver, and then to shake. “Buffy,” Wes called. “We need you to hold him down.”

Violent tremors forced him nearly off the bed. It looked like he was being electrocuted, his body flopping around like a fish out of water. She watched with growing horror, sure that the power surging through his body would break him. A horrible stench filled the air. Burnt flesh. Blood. Sizzling hair. Fear. Giles pushed her, not gently, towards the bed. She stumbled over her feet, trying to stop even as the momentum sent her tumbling into the side of the hospital bed.

She grabbed his arm automatically, and her skin sizzled at the touch. She jerked away as hard as she could, frightened and injured. “You’re burning him!” But Wes and Willow continued to ignore her, caught up in the power of their words. The magic swirled around them, in living green and blood red. It encompassed the bed, and included Buffy. It made a barrier between her and the door, and all she could do was duck her head to avoid touching it. She knew, instinctively, that it would hurt her beyond anything she could imagine.

“Buffy! You need to hold him down!”

Buffy shifted her attention from the bright magic, growing thicker by the second, to the body. He was shaking so hard that she could hear his teeth rattle in his head, and the bandages had fallen off of his skin. The wounds were torn open, and blood burst forth, gushing at an alarming rate. It covered Buffy’s face and hair, stained her shirt, she could even taste it in her mouth.

Without a second though, she jumped onto his body, straddling his hips and pushing his shoulders down. He went as stiff as a board, his entire body tense, his muscles as hard as rocks. His hand was forced back, and a horrible sigh escaped his mouth.

It’s the death rattle, Buffy thought. That’s what they call a death rattle. This is death. I’m killing him. But she didn’t move from her position. She realized that the chanting had stopped, but the magic still spun around them, so fast that if Buffy concentrated on it, it made her sick.

Spike’s body went slack beneath her, the tension draining out of him so quickly that she lost her balance. She fell forward on him with a loud “Oompfh”, knocking the breath out of her body. Her head hit his, and she saw stars. “Fuck!”

“Buffy? Are you ok?”

Buffy pushed herself up. “Yeah, I’m super.”

She braced herself on the sides of the hospital bed, using the bars to support her weight so she didn’t hurt Spike. Or what she hoped was Spike. At that point, she didn’t have any indication that was more than just a dead body. Blood was everywhere, soaking her clothes and his. His body was completely lax, and he wasn’t breathing. The heart monitor was silent. Buffy stared at him, willing him to move, to breath, to do something. Open your eyes.

“Did it work?”

“I don’t know, Buffy. It might take a few minutes.”

“He’s dead.”

The finality of the statement brought them all up short. Giles and Wes looked at each other, unwilling to move closer to the bed. Had they really killed him? Willow was paralyzed to the spot, unable to move. She was shocked by what they had just done, and the way they room looked. It looked as though they just slaughtered somebody in the most brutal fashion possible.

“He’ll need blood,” Wes said, rather optimistically.

Nobody moved, immediately. Nobody could move. Their bodies were transfixed as they gazed intently at the crimson soaked body on the bed. <I>I’m sitting on a dead man</I>, Buffy thought.

“I’ll go,” Giles said.

He left the room as quickly as he could and almost immediately ran into Angel. “Did it work?”

Giles shrugged helplessly. “I wouldn’t go in there though, it’s…rather messy.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know, Angel. But I need to get blood, in case it did work. William…Spike…lost a substantial amount during the spell.”

“How? That wasn’t blood magic.”

“His wounds were reopened.”

“If he lost too much, he’s going to be famished when he wakes up,” Angel warned. “They may not be safe in there with him.”

“Perhaps he’ll be too weak to attack them. Even so, tell Wesley and Willow to leave. You stay in there with Buffy, as back up.”

“Ok. There’s blood in my office.”

Angel didn’t know what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t this carnage. He walked over to Wes and a short, quite conversation. The girls ignored him, their attention still focused on Spike. Wes nodded and gently grabbed Willow’s hand, leading her out of the room. She went without protest, but she never looked away from the bed.

Buffy was staring intently at his Spike’s face, as though she could will him to life. Angel wondered why she was sitting on top of him, and why she didn’t wipe the drying blood out of her eyes. Her face was pink, the harsh red diluted by her silent tears. How long had she been crying?

Angel heard Buffy’s small squeal before he saw Spike stir. Spike’s face shifted, and a growl erupted from his throat. Angel sprang forward, prepared to help Buffy if necessary, but when Buffy seemed totally unfazed, Angel paused, confused. Buffy didn’t even realize the other vampire was in the room. Her world was centered around Spike.

She didn’t look the least afraid of him, even though Spike was growling and his yellow eyes were rolling wildly. He began to buck his hips to force the Slayer’s weight off of his body, but she just held onto him, grimly determined to get his attention, to make him realize it was her.

“Spike!”

He just continued his insane growling and bucking, the need to feed all consuming, the smell of his own blood driving him past the point of intoxication. Buffy knew the only reason she wasn’t on the floor was because Spike was just too weak. He didn’t seem to know where he was, or who he was, he just wanted to escape from her and find food. Angel quickly moved to the bed and grasped Spike’s knees, forcing the lower half of his body to remain still.

Buffy did the first thing she could think of to calm him down. With a reckless disregard for her own safety-and by extension everybody else’s-she put her wrist to his mouth. He didn’t need encouragement. He bit her instantly and began sucking her blood greedily. Angel gasped in outrage, but Buffy ignored him. The more Spike drank, the more his eyes cleared-the foggier she became. Just when the dizziness was overtaking her, Spike released her wrist.

“Slayer?”

The loss of blood, the relief of hearing his voice, the fear, the magic that still hung in the room, the lack of sleep-everything-worked against her. She felt herself grow light headed, and realized that she was slumping forward.

“Buffy?”

She didn’t hear him say her name-she had already passed out on top of his exhausted, broken, bloody body.

Chapter 20

Spike and Angel regarded each other over Buffy’s still body silently. The only sound in the room was her steady breathing. Spike’s body ached and throbbed, but he could already fill the skin begin to grow and cover his bare flesh. The Slayer bloody coursing through his veins aided the healing process.

He was alive. As alive as he’d ever been, that was. He could feel the soul struggle against the demon, pitifully, weakly. He could feel Buffy’s heart thudding against his chest. He could feel her life in his body, her soft flesh, her smooth skin. With a shaking hand, he pushed some stray hair away from her forehead so he could see her face and wiped the blood from her cheek.

Spike caressed her face, his fingers roaming across her cheek and lips, and then down her neck. He rubbed her back and arms with the flat of his hands, making sure she was ok, unsure of where all the blood was coming from. When he was satisfied that she wasn’t injured, that all the blood had come from him, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly.

Angel watched all of this without saying a word or making a move to stop Spike. He knew he would need to move Buffy off of Spike, find a bed for her, clean her up, and get a doctor to examine her, but something held him back from moving. Perhaps it was the clear wonder on Spike’s face as he kissed her cheek. Perhaps it was the way he held her-like she was the most precious treasure in the world. Perhaps it was just simple shock that this crazy plan had actually worked.

Finally though, Angel moved to pull Buffy out of Spike’s grasp.

“No,” he protested, his grip tightening.

“I have to. She may need help.”

“She’s fine.”

“Spike.” Angel hoped he sounded more threatening than he felt. “Let her go.”

Spike lifted her head from his chest and kissed her dry lips, then moved his arms away from her. Angel gently scooped her into his arms, and Spike struggled to sit up.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting up, aren’t I?”

“You can’t, you’re still week.”

“ ‘M fine.”

“Spike, lay down.”

“Funny, Peaches, I don’t recall you being my keeper.”

“She just needs to sleep, you don’t need to come with us.”

“I’m not letting her out of my sight,” Spike declared, looking at Angel with defiant eyes. Angel sighed and contemplated knocking Spike out. Just whacking him on the head as hard as he could.

Instead, Angel decided to try to be reasonable and compromise. He knew Buffy would be pissed if she woke up only to find that Spike had driven him to violent and extreme measures. “Let me get her cleaned up and checked, and then we’ll set up a bed in here.”

“Is she ok? What’s wrong wit her?”

“You fucking drained her,” Angel snapped.

Spike’s jaw clenched. “Fine, I’ll stay here.”

Angel observed the other vampire for another second before he left the room. Angel knew it was the same body as before, the same face-William’s face-but Spike just looked different. And already his accent had changed. Angel unconsciously tightened his hold on the deceptively slight girl in his arms. Without another word, he left the room, Spike never moving his eyes from Angel’s back until he was completely out of sight.

He already missed Buffy.

Spike had not expected any of this to happen. He didn’t expect to wake up with the Slayer on top of him, and he didn’t plan on sucking her dry. Had she really brought him back? She seemed so adamant that she would not sacrifice William for him…what had changed her mind? What had happened?

Had he really hurt her? He hadn’t been thinking clearly-still wasn’t thinking clearly really, and she just shoved her wrist in his face. The hot blood, pulsing so close to the surface of her skin made him heady with need. How could he have resisted that? And then the blood had exploded in mouth, gushed down his throat, filled and warmed his body until he felt like he was on fire, and he was so hard that he couldn’t stand it. Besides, he had stopped, right? He had stopped before he took too much.

You hurt her.

Shut up, I never.

A fan turned on in the air vent, and Spike gagged as the smell of the drying blood-his drying blood-hit his nostrils. Jesus Christ, wasn’t anybody going to come in and help him clean up at least? What the hell was going on here? It wasn’t like these people had ever been scared of him…but then, maybe he shouldn’t expect them to be that considerate.

Fortunately, his strength was increasing incrementally as the seconds ticked by. He could not stay in that room for much longer. He kicked the sides of the bed down, and swung his legs over the side. Good, half way there. He paused for a moment, gathering his strength, before slowly straightening his legs until his feet touched the floor. Bracing himself on the bed, he put all his weight on his legs and stood up.

Spike swayed by the bed for several seconds, fighting the battle to stay upright. He could feel the remnants of the magic that sucked him back to Earth out of limbo, and it made his skin crawl and left a bad taste in his mouth. He hated magic, had always been sensitive to it, and now it was almost painful.

Slowly, he made his way across the room. He just took it one step at a time, and he was very careful to avoid slipping on the blood on the floor. What the hell had happened? Who bled him? Buffy wasn’t injured and neither was Angel-was there another person in the room who got hurt? There was just no way this much blood could come from him.

He reached the door quicker than he thought he would, and he opened it proudly, relieved. Once in the hallway, things were much more sterile. He could easily pick on Buffy and Angel’s smell and follow it like a sign down the hallway. He only had to walk a short distance before he found the room. He opened the door without knocking.

They were all huddled around a hospital bed, identical to his, but this one was clean. Buffy had been scrubbed until her skin was pink, and she looked to be sleeping peacefully. He strained until he heard her heartbeat and assured himself that it was normal and healthy. Angel noticed him first.

“Spike, what are you doing out of bed?”

“It stinks in there.”

“I’m sorry it offended your delicate sensibilities, Spike, but you need to rest and heal.”

“Since when you do care about my well-being?”

Giles cut in then. “Spike, it is imperative that you let yourself heal.”

Spike narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “What is this?”

Giles put a friendly hand on his shoulder, and Spike jerked back so suddenly that he almost lost his balance. Silently, Willow pulled a chair over to Buffy’s bedside while Spike glared at the men in the room.

“Spike, why don’t you have a seat,” she invited.

Purposely, Spike crossed the room to the chair and collapsed onto it with an audible sigh of relief. Angel and Giles glanced at each other uneasily, unsure of what they should do next.

As soon as Spike was close enough to touch Buffy, he ignored everybody else. Let them hover, he didn’t care. He didn’t know what they were on about, or why they were acting so strangely, but that was hardly any concern of his. His only concern was Buffy. He just wanted to look at her-it had been an eternity since he last saw her. She hadn’t changed much. She looked a little older, and he noted with satisfaction that she had gained a little weight, but she was still the same Buffy. Still beautiful. Still glowing with an inner-strength that blinded him.

Spike lifted her hand from the bed and cupped it in his own. He simply held it and gazed at her as everybody else looked on. Her wrist was bandaged, a stark reminder of what he had done. He waited for Angel or Giles to get on his case about it, but they remained silent. Willow must have seen something of his horror and grief over what he had done on his face, because she touched his back gently.

“She’s fine. She’s just resting. She hasn’t slept in a long time.”

“Did she lose too much blood?”

Willow shook her head. “No, she didn’t even need a transfusion. She’ll be fine. You can go back to bed if you want.”

“No.”

“I think it might be a good idea if…”

“No.”

“Ok, ok, Spike, you don’t have to. It’s cool.” She stepped back from him and beckoned to Giles and Angel, indicating that they should leave. All three of them shuffled to the door, loath to leave Buffy alone, but knowing that it would be for the best. The last thing they needed was Spike to overly angry or agitated.

As soon as the door closed, Spike leaned forward so he could whisper in her ear. “Don’t know what’s going on here, Slayer. Don’t know why you brought me back, or why your group isn’t trying to kill me again. But I’m glad I’m here, Buffy. I missed you. Heaven just isn’t right without you there, you know?”

Spike kissed her cheek and rested his head on the pillow besides her. She didn’t move. He remained content to watch her sleep and to count her breaths. His breathing matched hers, and he was so close to her that they were sharing air. Soon, he fell asleep.

~*~

Buffy felt like she was floating. Lethargic, calm, sedate. Honey and chocolate surrounded her, and she felt like she was suffused in the sweet liquid, felt it seeping into her body, felt like she couldn’t move even if she wanted to.

From a great distance, she heard his voice rumbling like a distant, summer thunder on a long hot night. It was comforting, not alarming, and she let it roll over and pass her. She couldn’t make out the words, but that didn’t matter. She just needed to hear his voice.

She felt him touch her. It felt like sunlight breaking through a winter storm, just long enough to warm the chilled skin, thaw the frozen hair and lips. She gravitated towards it naturally, thrilled that the heat could reach her through the sweet thickness. It felt good, and she longed to feel it everywhere. She wanted the fire to spread through her, and she moaned for more.

It was dark so she couldn’t see him, but he knew he was there. Knew exactly where he was. With a great effort, she forced her arm to move so she could reach for him. She grabbed him, grasped him, desperately, and curled her hand around his arm. He bent over her, like a prince in a fairy tale, and kissed her until she was awake.

Buffy opened her eyes and looked right into Spike’s. He was staring at her intently, as though he was afraid she would never wake up again. He blinked when she opened her eyes, and then smiled. She smiled in return.

“You’re awake.”

“So are you.”

“What are you doing out of bed?”

“I couldn’t stay away from you. You passed out, I was scared that I had hurt you.”

She shook her head. “You didn’t hurt me.”

“How are you feeling now?”

“I feel great.”

She looped her arm around his neck and pulled him closer until their lips touched. She sighed into his mouth, closed her eyes, and let his lips take her back to the place of chocolate and honey.

Chapter 21

Buffy made room, and Spike crawled into the bed with her. They curled around each other, her head resting his shoulder, their legs twined together.

“You ok?” She asked.

“Feel fine. Are you ok?”

“Better now.”

He kissed the top of her head, then sighed, and kissed her again. She tilted her face up, and he peppered her forehead, cheeks, and lips with short, soft kisses. He covered her lips again, slowly intoxicating her with the gentle exploration of her mouth, is tongue delving deep into the softness. She happily kissed him back, relieved to feel his warm lips again. Wait…warm?

They pulled back from each other at the same time, staring at each other questioningly.

“Do you hear that?” Spike asked.

“What?”

“Buffy, why do I have a heartbeat?”

“Your heart is beating?”

“I’m breathing too.”

“Are you sure?”

“Uh, yeah. Vampire here, I can hear my heart pretty clearly.”

“Are you still a vampire?”

His face shifted, his fangs extended. He grinned at her, and then shook it off. “Looks like it.”

“Ok, this is really weird.” She took a deep breath and shouted, “Giles!” as loud as she could.

Spike winced. “Warn a bloke the next time you do that, Slayer, it bloody hurts.”

“Sorry. Giles, get in here now!”

Spike rolled his eyes and sighed. His ears would stop ringing eventually. Fortunately, Giles showed up before she had a chance to blow his eardrums out completely.

“What? What is it? Is someone hurt?”

Buffy pointed to Spike. “He has a heartbeat.”

“And?”

“And? And? I bloody well shouldn’t have a heartbeat!”

“Well, obviously the plan wouldn’t work if the body had died,” Giles pointed out. “Apparently, the body needed to be near death for the demon to take it over, hence the extraordinary loss of blood, but not completely dead.”

“Plan?”

Buffy’s eyes widened and she spoke quickly before Giles could launch into a spiel of their great and wonderful plan. “It’s nothing, Spike, we’ll talk about it later.”

“I want to talk about it now. What’s going on? Why did you bring me back?”

Buffy was going to suggest they discuss when he had healed and was stronger, but decided that might not be a good idea. It would probably start a huge, knock-down, kick-ass fight and Buffy wasn’t interested in that…much. Ok, she wanted to spar with him again, but not like that.

“We brought you back because we needed to heal William’s body,” Buffy admitted softly.

Spike untangled himself from her, and pulled himself out of the bed. “I see.”

“No, Spike…”

“I should have realized it. Of course you wouldn’t bring me back because you wanted me, no, no, you just found a new way to use me.”

“Spike, I thought…”

“Will we fit another round of Kick-The-Spike in before you kill me again?” He looked at Buffy. “You of all people should know better.”

“Spike, I didn’t know what else to do! William was going to die. Period. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.”

“You should have let him.”

“You shouldn’t have saved him, Spike! He would have died in that old warehouse, he would have died from all the blood loss, but you saved him. Why did you do that, Spike?”

“Because he didn’t deserve to die like that again.”

The admission effectively silenced the room; neither Buffy nor Giles knew how to respond to that. Spike never looked away from Buffy, waiting for her to do or say something.

Finally, she spoke. “Spike, this would be easy if William was just like you. Or if William was a giant jerk. Or if I didn’t spend the past several months getting to know who he is, what his dreams are, and his hopes, and his poetry. I couldn’t just let him die. At the end of the day, I’m still the Slayer. I still protect the innocent, and you can’t get much more innocent than William. I’m sorry that we had to do this to you. I can’t make you leave again, though. That decision is yours to make.”

“And you’ll just resent me for the rest of your life if I don’t decide to go, is that right?”

Buffy shook her head. “No, no I won’t resent you. I said it’s your decision, and it is.”

“I need a cig. And a drink. And some real clothes.”

Giles nodded and quietly left the room, leaving them to sort the rest of this out in private.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.”

“It’ll just take some time to adjust, is all. How long did you expect I needed to stay?”

“A week, maybe? We didn’t know how fast it would work, or if it would work at all.”

“Then what? Poof, goodbye Spike?”

“Yeah.”

“A week, huh?”

“Maybe. Maybe longer.”

He began walking towards the bed slowly, apparently, his anger gone. “You have any ideas on how to pass the time? I get bored.”

She smiled. “A few, maybe.”

“Maybe?” He took another step, and then grabbed her waist and pulled her forward, closing the distance between them. “What do you have in mind?”

Spike gently pulled the hair away from her face and kissed her jaw. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe read a few books.”

He kissed her neck. “Uh huh. You read?”

“Hey! I read a lot.”

He licked her pulse. “What else?”

“Maybe watch some TV. You can catch up on Passions.”

He pulled at her skin softly with his lips. “Don’t suppose you taped it for me?”

“I must have forgot.”

He bit her with the blunt, human teeth and she whimpered. “That it?”

“Walks. Walks are…oh God, Spike.”

“Hmmm?”

“Don’t stop what you’re doing.”

“Don’t plan to. Miss me, pet?”

“Uh huh.”

He walked her backwards until her legs hit the bad. His lips skimmed her throat, and then lower. He bit her nipple gently through her shirt, and she gasped as hot lust fully exploded in her, making her wet, making her tingle.

“Spi—ike.”

“Hmmmm?”

“That feels really good.”

Spike grasped the bottom of her shirt, intending to pull it over her head, but was stopped by the sound of approaching feet and the opening of the door. He let her go and stepped back quickly.

“I brought you some clean clothes. I couldn’t find any cigarettes, but Angel has some fine scotch…”

Spike narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but took the offered gift with a slight nod of appreciation.

“I trust the two of you worked everything out?”

“Nearly.”

“Angel wants to know if you’d like him to drive you home tonight, Buffy.”

“We’ll both go.”

“Do you think that’s wise?” Giles asked.

“Yes, I do.”

“Wesley wants to talk to him too, about the spell.”

“He can come over tomorrow. We’ve had enough excitement for one day,” Buffy said.

As they spoke, Spike quietly changed from his hospital gown to his jeans and t-shirt. He observed the pair’s exchange, noting with interest that Giles seemed much more respectful of Buffy than he had before…well, before. It looked as though their relationship had smoothed over, which pleased Spike. She needed her watcher in her life, whether she knew it or not.

Spike wondered what her relationship with Angel was. It was clear that they were working together, and they were close, but was that it? Spike thought it probably was, or else she wouldn’t allow him to feed off her wrist and give her big hickeys. He couldn’t help but laugh quietly as Giles did his best to keep his eyes from the large mark on her neck.

“Yes, well,” Giles finally said. “Angel will be around shortly. And we’ll drop by tomorrow morning?”

“Afternoon. I’m still exhausted.”

“We’ll bring sandwiches.”

“Thanks.”

Giles looked at Spike one final time, and then left the room.

“Staying over at your place, huh? Am I taking the couch?”

“No, but I can tell you one thing you probably will be taking.”

He smirked. “I like the sounds of that.”

Chapter 22

Buffy fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She wanted to stay up with Spike, but she just could not keep her eyes open. The ride home with Angel had been tense, but not unbearable. Spike remained silent in the back seat, also exhausted, and not in the mood to fight with Peaches. He thought he just wanted to sleep, but by the time they got to Buffy’s place, he wasn’t that tired anymore.

He lay on his side, watching Buffy sleep, listening to the rise and fall of her breath. They were in her bedroom, but even with clean bedding, he could still smell William all over the place. Had they been sharing a bed? Were they more than just friends? Spike felt very odd thinking like that-him but not him. It was disconcerting feeling jealous over the man he once was.

Very odd.

Spike didn’t understand what her relationship was like with him. She was adamant that William would not die, and he detected that she had strong feelings for him. This was troubling. Mainly because Spike had no idea where he fit in all this mess. What did she expect from him? Did she really think that he would leave again, no muss no fuss? Did she want him to?

Spike didn’t want to. Spike liked heaven well enough. It was relaxing. It was just like Buffy had said it was. And that sense of completion and peace was really quite amazing. He already missed it, and that too was tearing him up inside. For the first time, he could really, really understand what Buffy had been going through when she came back But at the same time, Earth had two things that Heaven didn’t at the moment: Buffy and his soul. And if her little plan worked, they would both remain on Earth and he would go…where? Back to limbo? He’d rather stay with Buffy-especially this new Buffy that had her life together and seemed much more comfortable with her feelings.

His stomach growled and he shifted uncomfortably. He knew he was hungry, but he really didn’t know what his body needed. Blood? Probably not. He was still full of rich, heady, sweet Slayer’s blood. So that must mean he wanted regular food. Pushing aside his complicated and confusing thoughts of where he belonged and what he should do, he got out of bed and pulled on his clothes, determined to find something to eat.

He walked slowly into the kitchen, keeping one hand on the wall to help keep his balance. Spike stopped short when he saw her though, standing in the kitchen. Her hair was a bit shorter, and she was no longer the coltish girl with limbs too long for her body. In fact, she didn’t look like a girl at all. His Bit had grown up.

“Hello Dawn,” he greeted softly. She spun around to face him.

“William?” She frowned and looked at him. “Spike?”

“The one and only.”

“They brought you back?”

“Apparently.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, bit. Just woke up, and here I was.”

“And William?”

“He’s still here…somewhere.”

“Oh.”

They stood with the width of the kitchen separating them. Spike was unsure of what he should do. Last year they had hardly been on friendly terms, though he liked to think that by the time he died, she didn’t hate him quite so much. She took a step forward, and Spike moved aside to let her pass. Instead though, she surprised them both by throwing herself against him and wrapping her arms around him.

“You weren’t supposed to die,” she said against his shoulder. “You weren’t supposed to die.”

Spike slowly wrapped his arms around her and hugged him back. Well, at least she wasn’t going to set him on fire. That was something. “Sorry, Niblet.”

She took a step back from him, and looked at him with swimming blue eyes. He noted that she was as tall as him now. That also was disconcerting. “You’re staying?’

“I don’t know. What has Buffy told you?”

She shook her head. “Nothing. I didn’t know they were bringing you back…why did they?”

Spike lifted his shirt to reveal his torso-still badly damaged and bruised, despite the fact that his body had been slowly patching itself up for several hours. “They need me to fix him up.”

“Oh God,” she breathed. “I didn’t know it was this bad. They wouldn’t let me see him, and Buffy didn’t really give me any details. Who did this?”

“About a dozen vampires, apparently.”

“God, I can’t believe he did that.”

“How did get there, Dawn?”

“He ran away. Left a note that basically said he wasn’t going to stand in the way of bringing you back. Buffy had been dragging her feet on the issue, not deciding anything one way or the other. So he made the decision for her.”

“What a martyr.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Touché Bit.”

“How did he survive that anyway? It looks pretty brutal. And twelve vampires? He couldn’t fight off a fly.”

“I saved him.”

“Wow, you’re full of surprises.”

“It’s a good thing we ran into each other. It looks like you’re about as ignorant of what’s going on as I am.”

Dawn sighed. “As usual. So once your body is all better, then what?”

Spike sat down, too tired to support himself any longer. “What do you want?”

“What?”

“Would you like William back? I can’t imagine why you would. He’s a limp, soft, sap.”

“He’s not,” Dawn protested. “He reminds me of you.”

“Yeah? How so?”

“He loves Buffy very much, but then, that’s a given isn’t it? I wouldn’t expect any less from him.”

“That all?”

“It’s little things. He’s you and you’re him, right?”

“Not really.”

“Close enough.”

“So, would you like him back?”

“I don’t know, Spike. How am I supposed to answer that? I like William, and I feel sorry for him.”

“I feel sorry for him too,” Spike admitted.

“What does Buffy want?”

“She says it’s my decision.”

“Not surprised, she wouldn’t make it before.”

“I don’t think it’s fair to make her now,” Spike said. “I guess I should be relieved she’s not falling all over herself to send me away again.”

“You know, the only reason you’re in this mess right now is because she missed you so much.”

“I know. So then why does this have to be so bloody complicated?”

“Why are you making it complicated? I thought it would be a simple matter for you.”

“It should be, shouldn’t it? I mean, I can just announce that I’m not going anywhere, and everybody better get used to it.”

“So why don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” Spike answered honestly. “I guess because I’m a whole ‘do the right thing’ kick.”

“And what’s the right thing?”

“I have to get back to you on that, Bit.”

Chapter 23

The meeting was small, on Spike’s request. He said that he would tolerate Angel if he had to, and he didn’t have any problems with Giles there either. He didn’t know the other watcher, but Buffy seemed to trust him, so that was good enough for him. But he refused to let Willow, Xander, or the Bit in on the conversation. He wasn’t comfortable with a crowd. Buffy, really left with no choice, respected that.

Dawn, however, did not. She whined like she was seven instead of seventeen. She begged. She bribed. She wanted to be in on the action, she didn’t want to be left out anymore. She said that she thought Spike of all people would understand that, and why was he being such a jerk? Spike, a few years out of practice when it came to dealing with her, caved rather quickly.

She listened quietly as Buffy, with the help from the other three, caught Spike up on what had happened. Buffy explained what possessed her to attempt to bring him back, Wes explained about the prophecies and the oracle, and Giles talked about how William had adjusted to his new life with Buffy in the 21st century. Spike rarely interrupted, but his face and body language revealed more than any words could have.

Annoyance. Anger. Incredulity. More annoyance. A snort of disgust. And finally, confusion. He had hoped that once everybody explained everything to him, clearly and in great detail, his decision would be easier to make. Apparently, he had thought wrong. He remembered what it was like to be completely selfish in every way, only giving as much of himself as he needed to get some sort of reward back. Those were good times. Simple times.

Yes, you are.

“Well, why do we have to choose?” Dawn asked suddenly. “Can’t we, you know, merge them? Make a vampire/human hybrid? He can be like Blade!”

“What?”

“You know, so we don’t have to choose.”

“Dawnie…”

“Bit, I’m already a vampire/human hybrid. This body is still alive. And William is still here,” Spike explained patiently.

“Oh. So you’re like a human with super strength?”

“I guess.”

“Yes,” Wes said. “The body is still alive. Which means that regardless, he’ll age and die like the rest of us.”

“Is he still allergic to sunlight?” Buffy asked.

“I don’t know. I suppose we could test it.”

Spike sighed. He felt like killing something. But Buffy wouldn’t let him leave because his body was still too wounded and fragile. She wouldn’t let him do anything except sleep and sit around, and he was getting really bored. The kind of bored that usually led to really bad ideas and ass-kickings. The kind of bored that usually got him into more trouble than he had any right to be in. The kind of bored that made his skin itch and his blood boil and his temper rise.

He began to fidget.

And what did that wanker do anyway that was so great? Why did his girls like William so much? He honestly did not get it at all.

Because I’m a part of you.

“Spike, are you ok?”

“I’m fine.”

“We can stop for the day, if you’re tired.”

“I’m not tired. All I bloody well do anymore is sleep.”

Buffy was startled by his tone. “Oh. Well, what would you like to do.”

“I’d like to get out of here.”

He didn’t wait for her response, instead he jumped out of his seat and stormed out of the apartment, leaving five surprised people in his wake.

“Has he done that before?”

“No,” Buffy answered. “He’s been pretty calm and non-Spike like, actually.”

“Are you going to go after him?”

Buffy stood up and stretched. “I guess so. God knows what trouble he’ll find if I don’t.”

It took her nearly a half hour, but she found him. He had found the tobacco shop a few blocks down, and was sitting outside, fuming.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t have any cash.”

“Do you think you should be smoking?”

“Yes, Slayer, I do. I think I should be smoking a lot, in fact. And drinking. And fighting. Do you even patrol anymore?”

“Not really. Angel’s crew has that covered. They ask me to help occasionally, but I’m mainly retired from my Slayer duties.”

“Then what the hell do you do for fun around here? This town is full of demons and vamps, you know, and you just sit around and let the bloody Ponce have all the fun?”

“Spike, I don’t have a lot of time for fun. I have a job and Dawn, and slaying wasn’t that fun anyway.”

“Killing stuff isn’t fun? You’re insane. Come with me.”

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to find us a nest of badies.”

“Spike, we can’t fight now.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re weak and I don’t have any weapons.”

Spike scowled at her. “I am not weak. I’m just fine. And, please, like you really need a weapon.”

“I haven’t trained or practiced for a long time.”

“What’s with all the excuses? I can see that you want to go, so let’s go already.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt again, Spike.”

“No, you don’t want to your precious William to get hurt again. You know if he does than I’ll have to stay longer, and we can’t have that.”

That’s it, piss her off.

Shut up.

“You wanna pick a fight with me now, Spike? Will that make you feel better?”

“Maybe.”

“Ok, ok, let’s fight.” She punched him in face, but it was a pretty weak imitation of one, and it amused him more than hurt him.

“You haven’t trained for awhile, Slayer. Maybe it’s a good thing you don’t go out anymore. You’d get yourself killed, punching like that.”

“What the hell is wrong with you, Spike? I don’t want to fight you.”

He punched her back, but his was just as gentle. She barely felt it. She rolled her eyes. “Oh, right. You’re so ready to go patrol again.”

“I could kick your sorry ass.”

She snorted. “You never could before, you think you can now?

“I know I can.”

“Fine, prove it.”

He moved to punch her again, but she ducked, and he hit air instead.

“Where are your super fast reflexes, Spike?”

“Body’s a bit rusty is all.”

“Come back with me, Spike.”

“No.”

“Fine. Walk with me then.”

They strolled down the block, hand in hand. Buffy paused occasionally to wave or to chat. There were a lot of people on the street even though it was late, past dusk. It was finally cool enough to emerge from their apartments and enjoy the evening.

“Have you really stopped patrolling?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I told you. They don’t need me anymore and I’m busy. Plus, I’m getting old.”

“Old? You’re like 23!”

“That’s old for a Slayer, Spike. Ancient, really. There’s a reason that Slayers are always teenage girls. They’re still elastic and full of energy.”

“I’m sure your elastic.”

“I don’t feel like it anymore. Having the strength is nice, and like I said, I still help Angel, but I have to focus on other things in my life now.”

“How is that going for you? Life, that is.”

“Life is good. Sometimes stressful and tiring, but good. I think things will get better too.”

“Is that right?”

“When I finally graduate and I have a degree to back me up, yeah. When Dawn graduates and goes to college, that’ll be nice too.”

“How you putting the bit through school?”

“Oh, I’m not. Apparently there’s a special Wolfram and Hart scholarship for teenage girls made of mystical energy.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Am I sure sending Dawn to the best schools in the world is a good idea? Yes, I think I am.”

“I hear that law firm is evil.”

“Angel’s in charge.”

“I hear that law firm is evil.”

“Ok, I’m not entirely comfortable about taking the money. But I need to do what’s best for Dawn. She deserves a break for once.”

“You’re amazing, Buffy.”

“I am?”

“You are.”

“I’m not doing what millions of other people haven’t done before me.”

“You’re still amazing.”

“You sound sad, Spike.”

“I’m not.”

“Good, you shouldn’t be sad. You’re the reason I’m here, making this work.”

“Me? How do you figure?”

“Oh, I don’t know, by doing a little thing called saving the world.”

“You did all the work Buffy, I just cleaned house a bit.”

“Right, just destroying all the armies of hell is all. Did you…how did that work out for you?”

“Oh, you know, got a pass to Heaven. Don’t know how that happened, but figured I shouldn’t argue about it.”

“Do you want to go back?”

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

“Me too.”

“We’re really, really bizarre.”

“If by bizarre you mean amazing and good looking, then yes we are.”

“Why did you leave the apartment?”

“Bored.”

“I lead a dull life now.”

“I don’t think anything about you could ever be dull.”

“I don’t know. Laundry day is pretty dull. Scrubbing the toilet is both gross and dull.”

“Is it what you always wanted Buffy? I mean, really? Is this the normal life you envisioned?”

Buffy took a deep breath. “I get bored too. And overwhelmed sometimes. But you know, I don’t have to worry about Dawn being orphaned anymore because some vamp has his one good day. I get to rest.”

Spike stopped walked. She stopped too and looked up at him. He kissed her lips softly and whispered, “I’m really happy for you.”

His decision was made, though he wouldn’t tell her now. Not yet. Not until he had to.

Chapter 24

When Spike and Buffy finally returned to the apartment, it was empty and Spike was exhausted.

“Where did everybody go?” Spike asked.

“Dawn is out with friends. I guess everybody else went back to Angel’s.”

“What’s up with him anyway?”

“Who?”

“Angel.”

“Why?”

“Isn’t he your one true love? Why is he helping?”

Buffy sighed. “Spike he’s helping because we’re friends.”

“Is that all? Friends?”

“Yes.”

“Because you can never be anything else, right? You know, it is possible to get a soul without the curse.”

“Spike,” she said through gritted teeth, “we’re friends. That’s it.”

“Because of the curse.”

“Because I love you.”

“I thought you’d be with him.”

“Why?”

Spike shrugged. “Make sense, didn’t it? You save the world, get your life back, and run to his waiting arms.”

“I didn’t want his waiting arms, Spike. What we had has mellowed to friendship, and that’s the way I like it. He’s good to have around, you know?”

“Yeah, I’m sure he gets the job done.”

“Are you going to be all jealous for the rest of the night? Because it’s boring, and I have other plans.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I can think of much better things to do with my time than deal with that. I can think of much better things to do with your time.”

“Show me.”

Buffy pulled Spike into the bedroom, and then pushed him onto the bed. “Hey, watch it. I’m still a bit sore.”

“Where? Let me see.”

She yanked his shirt over his head, revealing his healing chest. It wasn’t as defined or muscled-still William’s body, after all-but her hands and mouth were drawn to it. She skimmed over the marks, and focused on the unmarred skin. She kissed, licked, and nipped at him softly, her hands roaming his body.

“Oh…Buffy…” he moaned as she continued her exploration.

“Missed you,” she breathed, her hot mouth against his skin. “Let me show you, ok?”

Her hands fumbled with the fly of his pants, freeing him quickly and pushing the jeans past his hips. She pulled them down his legs, and he was left naked on the bed, waiting for her. He was already hard for her, aching to touch her again, but she batted his hands away.

“Let me,” she repeated.

She rubbed his warm thighs, massaging the muscles, as her hands moved closer to his crotch. He whimpered slightly as she caressed the sensitive spot, just on the inside of his thigh. His muscles tensed and he jumped. She smiled and rubbed the spot again, and was rewarded with the same reaction.

Buffy moved further down, careful to touch or massage every single inch of his, burning his flesh with her hot hands, suffusing him with her warmth and her scent, her soft mouth trailing after her fingers, her silky hair falling all around him.

Buffy straightened long enough to pull her own clothes off, and then stretched out next to him, pressing her breasts against his chest as she covered his mouth with hers. He threaded his fingers though her hair, gripping her tightly, unwilling to let her go again. The kiss deepened, and Spike marveled at the way she tasted, the way she smelled, the way her silky skin felt against his, slightly damp with sweat and flushed with desire.

It was Spike’s turn to reacquaint himself with her body, and he did so with gusto. His hands were soft and sure, finding the spots that made her squirm without fail, drawing moans and pleas from her. Fever passion lurked just below the surface, carefully reined in, because both of them wanted to do this right. It wasn’t the time to be rough or needy, and Buffy didn’t want to force the moment. It needed to happen slowly, naturally, as they both looked for their comfort level.

They grasped each other, afraid to let go, afraid to let even an inch separate them. Spike could hear both of their hearts, but couldn’t tell them apart. His world was the color of her eyes, and everything around them dimmed. The concerns and worries of the day fell behind him, and she too lost all concern for the rest of the world. Blue locked on green, and anything they needed to say was communicated through their gaze and their touches.

His eyes never left hers when he slipped into her, his forehead resting against hers as he pushed into her again and again. She grasped his shoulders and wrapped her legs around him. They tried to keep the slow pace, but it wasn’t going to happen. Once he was inside of her, all grand plans of taking it slow fled. He just wanted to pound into her as hard as he could, take her back after over a year, claim her again.

“Faster,” she encouraged. “Faster, faster, faster.”

He stopped, and she yelped in protest. He rolled over and put her on top so she could control the pace. Pleased with the new position, she unleashed herself on him, and he grunted with pleasure. God, he needed this. He needed to see her rise and fall above him. He needed to see her glowing skin and her face awash with bliss. He needed to see her soft breasts, hear her soft moans. Everything was so…soft.

Despite it all, Spike needed more. He felt like something was missing, something was still wrong. He didn’t understand. He had it all, he had everything he wanted in her. She was surrounding him in everyway, and had he really been in heaven? Because this…this was unlike anything he had ever experienced, anytime, anywhere.

So what was missing?

Spike flipped them over again, and settled on top of her. He pushed her hair away from her neck and forced her head back, exposing her neck. She didn’t try to pull away; she didn’t give him any indication either way. He hesitantly lowered his head and nuzzled her throat with blunt teeth. She moaned in response, and that encouraged him. He shifted into game face, but didn’t do anything past that. Not yet.

“Do it,” she said softly. “Do it.”

Sharp fangs pierced her skin, and she grasped his head, holding him down. There it was. There’s what was missing. So elusive…her taste, her fire, her love…her heart. There it was. The blood gave him a high, and his head was spinning. He was so close…his thrust harder into her, his teeth sunk deeper into her flesh, and the rushed pleasure and sharp pain made a heady cocktail for Buffy. She climaxed, gasping his name weakly, unable to speak or think or do anything but close her eyes and ride crest after crest of bliss.

Spike retracted his teeth, and then came deep inside of her. “Love you,” he gasped. “Love you so much.”

She didn’t let him pull away from her, even after he was spent. They fell asleep, wrapped around each other and weak from each other, hungry for each other, lost in each other…safe…warm…

Chapter 25

When Spike woke up, it felt like his heart was being torn out of his chest. He gasped for breath, and struggled to his feet. Wheezing and coughing, he choked Buffy’s name out, just loud enough for her to hear. She woke up, just as he fell to his knees, to weak to remain standing.

“Spike? Spike! What’s wrong?”

She rushed to his side, putting an arm around his back in an attempt to help him up. When he didn’t move, she wrapped her other arm around him to comfort him as he continued to fight for air.

“Spike? What happened? Are you going to be ok?”

He nodded, finally able to catch his breath.

“Just take deep breaths, ok? Are you hurt?”

“No,” he whispered. “Just…I’ll be fine.”

“Here, let me help you back to bed.”

She helped him to his feet, and he almost immediately collapsed on the bed. She checked his wounds to make sure none of them had re-opened, and looked for other signs of illness. Other than the shortness of breath, he appeared fine. She lay down beside him, curled against his body, and rubbed his chest softly.

“It felt like my heart was breaking,” he said.

“Just now?”

He nodded. “I was dreaming about something…I don’t remember what, and when I woke up, my chest was just…on fire, I guess.”

“Is everything ok? You didn’t like, have a heart attack did you? Your heart is still beating right?”

“No heart attack, and yes, it’s still beating.”

She rested her head on his chest and listened for the steady <I>thump-thump</I>. “Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

“Not even a little?”

“Not even a little.”

“That’s just odd.”

“In other words, everything is normal.”

She yawned. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

“I am. You sound sleepy.”

“Mmmm, you feel nice.”

He pet her hair, enjoying the silky texture under his hand. “Go ahead and go back to sleep, luv.”

She yawned again. “If you’re sure everything is fine.”

“I’m much better now.”

She fell off to sleep, and he pushed the hair away from her neck so he could see the bite mark. She was forever marked as his now, no matter what. It was a little something for her to remember him by…a constant reminder that they had found each other again somehow, and for once, had made it work.

That was a rotten trick you pulled.

I didn’t do it on purpose.

No, you’re not. You think I don’t know? You think that I’d forget? You had to mark her? Claim her? I’ll never forget whom she belongs to.

Spike sighed. He still had to think of a way to tell her of his decision, and after what they just shared, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Especially since he didn’t know what she wanted anymore. It was clear before that she wanted William back, but maybe she had changed her mind.

Spike finally fell asleep again, troubled thoughts leading to troubled dreams.

~*~

Buffy woke up sometime in the middle of the night. She heard Dawn open the door and try to sneak quietly to her room. Way past her curfew, but Buffy really didn’t care. She’d let her get away with it for now.

Spike was sleeping peacefully, occasionally moaning softly, but other than that the only sound in the room was the steady rise and fall of his breath. That was still an odd sensation-listening to him breathe, listening to his heart. For the first time, Spike was more than just a corpse, and she had to admit, she liked it this way.

She touched the new mark on her neck lightly. It had already began to heal, and soon it would just be a scar. The only scar that really mattered on her battered and marked body. She didn’t know what he wanted to do, but what they shared felt a lot like goodbye. She thought of the conversation they had had earlier, about her life now, about her future, and she slowly came to the same realization he had.

Spike didn’t belong in her new life. Oh, she would be more than happy to make him fit anyway he could. She would bend over backwards to accommodate him if he wanted to share this new world with her. He wouldn’t quite fit though. He may have died to save the world, even gained access to Heaven, but at the end of the day he was still a vampire, and the quiet, domestic life was not one for him. He would ultimately be miserable.

The thought depressed her. She remembered what it was like to come back from Heaven to a world that was no longer structured around her. Before she had died, she had had a place, and she knew it. It wasn’t hard and confusing to figure out where she fit in the world, and when she stopped fitting, she had died. End of story. When she came back, it was like hammering a square peg into a round hole. Brute force wasn’t enough to make things right; she had learned that the hard way.

Could she really make Spike learn that too? The world had moved on in the year since he died, and maybe it was no longer the place for him.

At that thought, a few stray tears escaped and landed on his chest. She watched the salty water run down his side, leaving a damp trail behind. She loved him. In the end, no matter how fucked up things were, she loved him. And she knew she was strong enough to make room for him again. But it would be hard and painful, and she didn’t know if either one of them was up for more hardship and pain like that. They had been through it once, and it nearly destroyed both of them before it made them stronger.

But, if he decided it was worth the risk, then she would figure it out. And if he decided it wasn’t worth the risk, she would continue to live without him.

With a sharp pang of surprise, she realized she hadn’t thought about William, and where he fit into all of this. This whole plan was to save him, after all. Sweet William, in all his Victorian shyness, so carefully spoken and well mannered. She knew he loved her-he had told her after all. She almost groaned when she realized that he had a front row seat to the whole night, heard everything they had said, seen everything they had done, maybe even felt it. Despite herself, she felt guilty. She knew that every time he saw Spike’s mark on her neck, it would break his heart.

She knew how he felt about her, but she had no idea how she felt about him. She liked him. And maybe, if things had been different, or if they had more time, she could grow to love him. Maybe she was, before this whole mess happened. Maybe if Spike left, she still could, some day. Or maybe she was doing him a grave disservice, and it would be better for him if he never came back, or alternately, when he does come back, if he took a long trip away from her. Maybe back to England.

It seemed to be a never-ending source of surprise to Spike that she and Dawn enjoyed William’s company so much. She understood that though. It wasn’t really Spike’s shock, it was William’s. But William wasn’t comfortable expressing it, and so Spike did it for him. Every “I don’t know what you see in him” was really “I don’t know what you see in me”. Every desperate attempt to distance himself from his human counterpart was really William trying to hide, ashamed of who he was and what he did and maybe even how much he loved.

Which didn’t really help her decision any, just made her feel worse for having to make it. But could she really say she regretted the situation? Would she be honest if she said she wished she never contact Dorjan? If she could go back in time and fix it, would she? Because of the disaster, she did get Spike back, if only temporarily, and she also had a new, pretty amazing man in her life. A man she never would have gotten to know, otherwise. A man she felt, given the right opportunity and encouragement, could be capable of great things.

Fitting Spike back into her world would be hard, but it would be easy to fit William in. In fact, it was easy to fit William in. And like Buffy, he had never had a chance at a normal life. From what she could tell, he was pathetically lonely before he died, with only his mother for company. An outsider, like she had been. Dead, like she had been. And given a second chance at life, like she had been. Could she really take that gift away from him? He had friends now, and if he could stay for a while longer, he would probably have a purpose too.

No matter what though, she wanted Spike to be happy. He deserved it after everything he went through. She would respect whatever decision he made, and she would support whatever he did. It was the least she could do.

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