Chapter 7

"I can't believe you asked him for a kiss goodnight," Angel said.

Buffy shrugged, "I was mostly asleep, and he's a really good kisser."

"Yeah."

Buffy lifted an eyebrow and Angel quickly backtracked, "Or so I heard. From Drusilla." Angel cleared his throat, "So did Riley ever find out?"

She sighed, "Yeah. He wouldn't have known, except he dropped by my house the next morning, unexpectedly. He knew something was up when he saw me."

"How?"

"I never wore my sushi pajamas, and of course, it was obvious that I didn't bandage myself."

"So he automatically assumed it was Spike?"

"Well, no, but he found his.."

*** ".lighter?"

"Uh, it's mine," Buffy said tentatively.

"Since when do you smoke?"

"I don't smoke. It's for lighting vampires on fire, when I run out of stakes." Ok, that was really, really lame, but Buffy was hungry and groggy, and in still in slight bit of pain.

"Uh huh. Did Spike give it to you?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because I saw him use this very lighter last night."

Buffy didn't know how to respond to that. It probably fell out of his pocket when he leaned over to kiss her. Served her right, for being greedy. Riley looked very angry. "What was Spike doing in your room?"

"He was putting me to bed."

"What?"

"Last night, he saved me from a demon. It almost ripped my guts out and poisoned me in the process. He took care of the venom, wrapped my wound, and put me to bed. I don't understand why you're so angry."

"Because you said you weren't going to look for him."

"And I didn't! I got blindsided by a demon, and he happened to be there."

"Hostile 17 never just happens to be anywhere when it comes to you."

"What do you mean?"

"He's got some freaky obsessive with you. It's not safe!" Riley insisted.

"He can't hurt me."

"He's a vampire, Buffy. You slay vampires because they're dangerous. I don't understand why you are not getting this concept."

"And I don't understand what makes you think you can talk down to me. I've been the Chosen One longer than you've been working for the Initiative."

"Well, sometimes it's hard to remember that when you don't perform your sacred duty."

"What would you know about my sacred duty, Riley? You read the Slayer Handbook? You participate in the training sessions? How many times have you saved the world? How many times, for that matter, have you taken Spike on in a fair fight and won?"

"If 17 didn't have his chip, he would kill me."

"Exactly. I have fought him several times, and I'm still here. He's not a threat. Not to me, not to anybody."

"Buffy, he can still kill people. He knows vampires and demons that would be more than happy to do his bidding. Didn't you say he hired assassins to take you out once? What's to stop him from doing it again?"

Buffy paused, Riley did have a point there. By this time they were both in the kitchen and Buffy was furiously making herself some eggs. She felt famished, and the fight was giving her a heady adrenalin rush. She moved carefully as possible in order not to break any of her mother's dishes or silverware.

"I'll give him a chance."

"Why?"

"Damnit Riley! Because when push comes to shove, it's my responsibility."

"Angel was your responsibility too."

"Riley," Buffy's voice was low and soft, deceptive, "let me make one thing clear. You do not know, you could ever know, what happened with Angel. Don't bring him up again."

Riley took a step towards her and rubbed her arm gently. "I'm sorry Baby. You're right. It's just, Hostile 17 makes me so crazy! You have to understand."

Buffy nodded, "I do, Riley, I do. But in the demon world, I'm in charge. The one girl in all the world, and all that stuff. Let me do my job."

"I just want to help."

"And you do, you help me a lot. I don't like when we fight Riley." She stood on her tiptoed (and registered briefly that she never had to stretch to reach Spike's lips) and kissed him softly. "Let's not fight anymore today. Mom's gone, we have the house to ourselves.."

Riley smiled, "Do you have anything in particular in mind?"

Unbidden, the thought of the blonde vampire came to mind. She firmly pushed the thought away and took Riley's hand.

*** She trusted him once. The Slayer did. He knew, because he heard her say one day she would give him a chance. She didn't know he was there, but he had stayed in her basement, just to make sure that she wouldn't need anything.

Spike had heard her fight with Riley, they were arguing over him. And she said that she would give him a chance. It shouldn't have mattered. He shouldn't have cared, or even wanted a chance to prove himself. He should have laughed at her and set about proving her wrong. He still had enough money to hire the assassins. He could still find someone to his dirty work.

But it did matter somehow. Somehow it was very important. Not just because his life depended on it, but because he wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to feel her, hold her. He wanted her to smile at him.

He loved her.

Sometimes Spike couldn't remember his own name. Most the time he didn't know where he was, what day it was, or even when he had last fed. But he remembered that. He remembered the epiphany he had had the day she shagged Captain Cardboard right over his head. He never forgot that fact, and would carry it with him until he reached his dusty end.

He loved her. He loved the Slayer. He loved Buffy Anne Summers.

*** "Spike was there the whole time."

"Where?"

"In the house. I found him later that night. The odd thing was, I was completely mortified."

"Why? Did he give you a hard time?"

Buffy shook her head, "You know Spike, made some subtle jabs, but that was it.. Told me he got trapped in the house while he was making sure that I got to sleep without problems. But I was still embarrassed."

Angel raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know. I guess I didn't want Spike to know I actually slept with Riley."

"Yeah, I don't think any of us want to know that."

"It was your idea."

"It was my idea for you to sleep with Riley?"

"Well, you wanted me to have a normal life."

"If I knew you were going to run right into Riley's arms, I never would have said that."

She hit his arm. "Don't start with me, Angel."

"Ever think he was a mistake?"

Buffy shrugged, "I've made a lot of mistakes. But I never counted trying to have a relationship with Riley as one of them. The mistake was not ending it sooner."

She looked at Spike and was silent for several minutes. Angel didn't break the silence, she looked very deep in thought. Lost in her own memories, wrapped up in her own regrets. Angel knew about regret, perhaps better than anybody. But he had a feeling that Buffy knew almost as much about it.

"I was scared," she finally said. It was just a breath of sound.

"Scared of what?"

"I wanted him. I wanted him more and more with each passing day. It went beyond kisses and pet names. And it scared me." She looked up at Angel, and he could see that her eyes were wet with unshed tears. "I wasn't supposed to want him, I'm not supposed to want him still. But Angel it consumed me. I couldn't get.."

*** ".away?"

"I told you how I got away, Rupes, I ran out the door. A door that doesn't exist anymore. They must have closed it."

"Well then you aren't much help to me."

"The Slayer knows how to get in, what do you need me for?"

"We kept you alive for your help," Giles pointed out.

"And I did help!" Spike exploded. "Bloody hell, what do you want from me? I told you all about Adam's plan, what else can I do?"

"How did you get that information?" Xander asked.

Spike sighed, "Word travels fast in the demon world."

"I thought you weren't welcome in those circles anymore?"

"I'm not. This information was bloody hard to come by, and I thought you'd all be a bit more grateful. I risked my bleedin' neck for you lot, and you want more."

"You're right, Spike," Buffy said, "you gave us a lot of help." She smiled at him softly and then turned to the rest of the game. "Between what I know about the Initiative and Spike's information, we can come up with a pretty good plan."

"Has Riley called yet?"

Buffy frowned and shook her head, "No, and I'm really starting to worry."

Willow took Buffy's hand, "He'll be fine. I'm sure of it."

"Thanks Wills. Ok, everybody try to get a bit of sleep and something to eat. We're going out after dark."

The Gang spread out around Giles' apartment, doing whatever they needed to get prepared. Spike didn't move from his perch by the door.

"Hey," Buffy said.

"Hey," Spike returned.

"Can we talk?"

"Physically? Apparently so."

"That's not what I mean, and you know it."

"Yeah, Slayer, lead the way."

"It'll have to be the bathroom. I would just go outside but."

"You don't want to talk to a big pile of dust. Gotcha."

Spike followed her to the bathroom and shuddered slightly at the site of the tub. "I never knew that chains could be so bloody embarrassing."

Buffy laughed softly at the comment. "I don't even want to know."

"So, Slayer, what's up?"

"Why don't you tell me how you know Adam's plan?"

"I told you. Heard it through the grapevine."

"Spike, please, you're a horrible liar. Just tell me."

Spike stared at her, and she could see the wheels spinning in his head. She could almost see him weighing his options. She folded her arms and waited patiently.

"What's it to you?"

"I have to know your source to gage how accurate the information is."

"I got it from Adam, ok?"

Buffy frowned, "How?"

"What do you mean, how? He told me."

"Ok, why?"

Spike sighed, "He offered to take my chip out. In the process he told me what he was up to."

"Did you?"

"What?"

"Get the chip out?"

"If I did, do you think I would be talking to the Slayer in her watcher's bathroom?"

"Why not?"

Spike shrugged, "Didn't trust the bloke."

Buffy was standing just two feet away from him, close enough to touch if she reached for him. Just a few steps and he would be close enough to kiss. He didn't have to spell it out for her, and she didn't have to ask. He didn't get the chip removed, didn't betray them, because he wanted his chance to start over.

She knew Spike was too proud to ever admit to that. He still wanted to keep up the image of the Big Bad, but Buffy was slowly coming to understand that that was a façade. There was something deeper about Spike, beyond his evil ways.

Almost on their own accord, her feet moved forward. She was pressed up against him now, and she almost sighed with relief. For the past two weeks all she wanted to was touch him, but she never allowed herself the luxury. She avoided all touching and kept her distance. Apparently, Spike had noticed.

"Well, Slayer, didn't think you cared anymore."

She tilted her head towards him slightly, in a silent invitation. He didn't need to be asked twice. He captured her mouth and with an audible sigh of relief, she opened her lips. Riley was nice, and she was still worried about him, but he didn't make her blood boil like this.

His hands crept under her shirt and he cupped her breasts gently, rubbing her nipples with his thumbs. He echoed her sigh from earlier. It felt so good to have her this close, in his grasp. He wanted to take her right there on the bathroom floor. Buffy wanted to let him.

"Spike.."

"Wha?"

"We..we.gotta stop."

"I don't want to." He was kissing her neck now, feeling the beat of her strong pulse against his lips, listening to the blood rush so close to the surface of the skin. He didn't want to bite her, but it was still a heady experience.

"I don't either," she admitted, "but we can't do this."

Spike lifted his head, "Why not?"

Buffy forced herself to look away from his blue eyes, afraid if she looked she would fall into them. "Everybody is just outside the door, and well, we're in the bathroom."

Spike looked around, as if only now noticing where they were. "Good point."

Desire was coursing through Buffy's body, and it was almost impossible to take another step away. "I gotta focus right now."

"I know."

She kissed him again, this time it was soft and quick. A promise. Spike was willing to wait.

Chapter 8

A/N-This chapter has the sex. Just thought I'd warn you.



"Well, anyway, you know how we defeated Adam with the joining spell. Spike protected the door so that they would have a quiet spot to perform the spell."

"I can't believe he had the chance to get his chip out and he turned it down."

Buffy shrugged, "Well it wouldn't have worked anyway. We defeated Adam. And you know how Spike is. Ultimately, he follows his heart."

"You think he was in love with you?" Angel asked.

"I don't think. I know."

"How?"

"He told me."

"You believed him?"

"He showed me."

"What if he just wanted to get into your pants?"

"I just wanted to get into his. He chose to keep his chip and help us fight, and he saved my life. He kept giving me more reasons to trust him."

"But Buffy, he was evil."

"Yeah," she agreed quietly, "he was. But if he wanted to just get into my pants, he would have got the chip out, lied to me, slept with me, then afterwards stalk me and kill all my friends."

Angel winced at the description. "I thought he didn't have a choice, Angel, because of you. But he proved to me that he did. In many ways, it reflected very poorly on you."

"Buffy, Angelus is a different person."

"I know. But Spike doesn't have a bizarre split personality. He is who he is, and if you don't like it, well, you can shove it up your ass. Gotta admire that."

Angel sighed, "Ok, point taken. What happened after you defeated Adam?"

"Well, I told you about our crazy dreams and the First Slayer, right?"

"Yeah, did you ever figure out what was up with the Cheese man?"

Buffy smiled and shook her head, "No. I think Willow will be trying to figure that one out for the rest of her life. Anyway, I didn't tell you about everything that happened that night. Spike dropped..."

*** ".by," Spike said with a shrug.

Buffy sighed, "Well, since you're here, come on up."

Spike had been standing under her window when she entered her room. She could sense him before she could see him, and she wasn't surprised when she spotted his blonde head.

He scaled the tree and entered her room with a grin. "Just wanted to see if you were OK after the big fight and everything. Didn't get much of a chance to talk."

"Well, yeah, you were busy ripping heads off of demons when we left."

"Should have stuck around a bit longer. It was a right good time."

"I figured you had it under control. You did, right?"

Spike shrugged, "Of course." The grimace that past over his face when he shrugged was fleeting, but Buffy caught it.

"Are you hurt?"

"No."

"Spike, stop with the macho bullshit. If you're hurt, let me see."

"I didn't come over so you could play nursemaid. Though on second thought.." He leered and peeled his coat off and his shirt followed that.

His chest was covered with bruises and cuts, most of them shallow. She examined them closely, running her fingers lightly over his chest, tracing the marks. "They're not bad," she said.

"No," he agreed, his voice tight, "I'll survive."

"Uh huh." Buffy's hands were still on his chest, but she was no longer concerned with his injuries. He was only slightly cooler than her own flushed skin. Spike closed his eyes and she continued to rub his chest, and then lower, to his abs. She was delighted at the feel of his skin, smooth, and the way his muscles tensed under her searching fingers.

Spike grasped her wrists when she began fumbling with his fly. "What are you doing Slayer? Aren't your friends right downstairs?"

"Uh huh."

"They could barge in any second."

"Yeah," she agreed without moving her hands from his pants.

"Where's your soldier?"

"Debriefing."

"He could come back any minute."

Buffy shook her head, "Debriefing can take a long time."

Spike nodded, "Just wanted to make sure you understood the risk here."

Buffy nodded, "I do."

"Great," Spike released her hands, "Please continue."

The sound of the zipper was very loud in the room, and Buffy froze for a moment, convinced that someone would come up to see what's going on. "I'm going to make sure they're asleep," she whispered.

She tore herself away from him and peeked her head out the bedroom door. She strained her sharp ears for any sounds at all, but only heard the occasional snore. "I think they all fell asleep again."

She shut the door, but before she could turn around, Spike was pressing her against the door. She could feel his erection pressed against her thigh, and his breath tickled her ear as he spoke. "You're gonna have to make me leave now, Slayer."

"I don't want you to leave."

He caressed her stomach and then moved up and cupped her breast. "You sure?"

She nodded and lifted her arms in an invitation. He obliged her by pulling her shirt over her head, leaving her as naked from the waist up as he was. He didn't step back from her though, and his body absorbed her heat. "You want me to do this, Slayer?" His lips fastened on the pulse point in her neck. She nodded as he sucked on her gently.

"How about this?" He caressed her nipple, then pinched it slightly. She moaned in response. 'Oh, this is wrong. Very, very wrong.' Buffy thought, before she lost the ability for all logical reasoning. 'I **should** stop him.' But it was hard to be serious about the thought when he slipped under her shorts and ran his fingers lightly over her damp panties.

"You're tense," his voice was deep and low. "Why are you tense Slayer?"

"We shouldn't be doing this," she gasped as his hands continued to explore her body.

"No?"

"No."

He slipped a finger under the silk cloth, through the damp curls, and into her hot flesh. He rubbed her clit slowly, steadily applying more pressure. "I could stop."

"No," she gasped. "Don't..want..you to stop."

"Want me to go faster?"

She nodded and he moved against her faster. Her knees buckled and she braced herself against the door, pressing her bottom against him tighter. He groaned and grasped her hip with his free hand.

"Harder," she moaned.

He wrapped his arm around her waist to steady her, then complied with her wishes. "Oh..oh god," she breathed as the orgasm shook her from her core. Her breathing was hard and fast and she felt slightly light headed. "I gotta sit down."

He scooped her up and carried her over to the bed. He finished stripping her, then stepped back and removed his own pants. She reached for him, eager to feel his body again. She felt so cold and exposed, lying there before him. But he didn't move, just drank in her beauty, awed and thankful he even had the chance to see her like this, much less touch her.

There were so many things he wanted do to her and with her. Things that he had been nearly obsessing over ever since the witch's stupid spell. Things that he never thought he would have the chance to do, never thought that she would even want. And yet here she was, offering herself to him, begging to touch him and be touched by him.

She sat up slightly and grabbed his arm, pulling her to him. The kiss was white-hot with intensity and new desire flashed through her body, making her breathless. Sweat began to form on her neck, and she needed to be closer to him. She needed to be as close to him as possible. She wanted to be a part of him.

"Want you now, Spike." She informed him and pulled him all the way on top of her.

"Now?"

"Uh huh."

"You have to be quiet, Buffy. Won't do any good to wake up everybody in the house."

She nodded and wrapped her legs around him, urging him forward. He smiled and licked her nipple, teasing it slightly with his teeth. She wiggled under him impatiently, and Spike could easily smell the heavy arousal rolling off of her in waves. The scent was heady and heavenly. He liked the feel of her wiggling body so much he bit her again. This time she moaned too, and he could sense the frustration building inside of her.

He slid into her slowly, taking his time and giving her time to adjust to his size. She gasped as the most intense feelings of pleasure shot from her core to every part of her body. He was touching spots of her that she didn't even know existed, stretching her in ways that was painful but felt right. Soon, though, she didn't feel any of that pain at all.

As he began to move faster, her harsh breathing turned to moans and then to quiet screams. He caught her mouth with his own to try to silence her, but it didn't work. She wrapped her legs and arms around him tighter and encouraged him to move faster. But he slowed down anyway and covered her mouth with his hand.

"Buffy, love, you can't be so loud. They'll hear you."

But it didn't matter, because now she was beyond noise. She felt like she couldn't get enough air. She was suffocating in this heady bliss that threatened to consume her completely. Sleeping with Riley had always been nice, but just that. Nice. Nothing like this. The feelings had suffused throughout her body, and she could feel every thrust in her toes, her fingers, her chest, everywhere.

"Buffy, are you going to hyperventilate?" Spike sounded concern, but he didn't slow the rhythm he had set.

Just as he spoke, it felt as though she was ripped in two then glued together again as one orgasm, then another, overtook her. She bit his shoulder, hard, in order to keep from shouting his name.

Her inner-muscles clamped around him, and he lost it. She had smelt so good, felt so good, and the sounds she was making was like the sweetest music. His heart swelled when she collapsed back on the pillow, smiling yet completely exhausted.

"Look at me," he rasped.

Her eyes fluttered open, and he was caught in their sweet, green depths as he came and his world narrowed to her face..her smile. He vowed he would never forget how she looked that night. She was perfect. His warrior, his mistress, his lover, his huntress, his love.

He collapsed beside her, completely exhausted. "Sleep?" She asked. He could tell she was already half-way there.

"Sleep," he agreed.

*** Sleep. He remembered that face. But only in his dreams.

Chapter 9

"You had sex with Spike?" Angel asked slowly, as if the words tasted bitter in his mouth.

"Well, yeah. What did you think this story would be about?"

"But I can't believe you slept with him, I mean, weren't you still with Riley?"

"I was," Buffy admitted. "Look, I'm not proud of this. I only told Willow about it, and even then I vagued it up a lot."

"Did you ever tell Riley?"

"No..things got ugly. But that comes later."

"You had sex with Spike," he repeated.

"Yes, now get over it. Or don't you want to hear the rest of the story?"

Angel frowned, "I'm not sure if I want to hear about the Buffy/Spike sexcapades."

Laughter erupted from Buffy, startling Angel. Even Spike jumped slightly. "Sexcapades?"

"I've spent too much time with Cordy."

"Obviously. I'll keep the details to a minimum," Buffy promised.

"But why did you do it Buffy?"

"What's with the questions? Do you want to hear the story or not?"

"I want to know why you did it!"

"I don't have to explain myself to you, Angel. Isn't it enough that I wanted to? I knew what I was doing, and I knew I could handle myself."

"But you also know Spike, and you must have known that he wasn't going to take it lightly, or as a one night stand."

"Who said I meant it as a one night stand?"

"What about.."

*** ".Riley's downstairs!" Willow called through Buffy's closed door.

"What?" "Buffy, wake up. Riley is waiting downstairs. Should I send him up?"

"No!" Buffy shouted, "I mean, I'll be right down."

"I don't want to move," Spike said, sleep lacing his voice.

Buffy was curled against him, her head resting on his shoulder. She sighed, "Me neither. But I've got to get up."

"What are you going to tell Captain Cardboard?"

"Nothing." She felt Spike tense and pull away from her slightly.

"Oh."

"Buffy! Can I come in?"

"Oh, fuck. Quick, get in the closet."

"I'm not hiding in the closet, Slayer."

"Either you hide there now, or I'll deposit your dust there."

Spike pushed her away from him and stood up, glaring at her. "Fine." He gathered his clothes and ducked into the closet just as Riley opened the door.

"I came over as soon as I could after the debriefing," he announced as he stepped into the room.

"Riley! You should have given me a few moments, I'm not dressed."

"I like you better this way."

Buffy smiled coyly and pulled the blanket further up. Did she look guilty? Did the bed looked like two supernatural beings had really hot sex, more than once? Were there any clues that Spike was in the room? She found herself thanking God that if she had to cheat on her boyfriend, it was with somebody who could hide in the dark closet indefinitely. Though when he finally came out, he'd probably be pretty pissed off.

Buffy idly wondered if angry! Spike equaled really rough, good sex. She hoped so. Riley was never anything but gentle and considerate. It was nice at first, but sometimes she wanted to play a little. And she always had to be careful, because even though he was strong, he couldn't even begin to handle the things she could do with her muscles.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, the doctors checked me out. They said I need some rest, maybe some TLC," he winked at her, "and I should be fine."

"That's good. How did the debriefing go?"

Riley sat down on the bed beside her, and she could feel, rather than hear, Spike growl. "Well, there is no more Initiative."

"Is that of the good?"

Riley shrugged, "Well, since I wasn't part of it anymore anyway, I guess it doesn't make a big difference."

She embraced him, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

'Sleeping with Spike,' she thought. Though was she, really? "That everything got destroyed."

"Maybe that's for the best, in the end. I still can't believe Professor Walsh.."

"I know, I don't think any of us could. Have you gotten any sleep?"

He shook his head, "No, I came right over here when we were through."

"Well, why don't you go shower and I'll make you something to eat, then you can ge some sleep."

He smiled, "Sounds good. You're the best girlfriend ever."

She returned his smile, "I try."

Buffy handed Riley the pair of sweats and a t-shirt he kept at her place, then gently pushed him out the door. As soon as she closed it behind Riley, Spike stepped out of the closet.

"Well, aren't we the sweet little housewife," he sneered.

"I couldn't let him think something was up."

"What are you going to make to eat? Cause, Slayer, really, you should be kept out of the kitchen."

"Shut Spike, and get dressed. You need to get out of here before Riley comes back."

"I can't leave the house, Slayer. And I don't know if you want all your friends to see me leaving your room."

"Then what do you want to do? Spend the rest of the day in the closet?"

Spike shrugged, "Get rid of soldier boy, and we can spend the rest of the day in bed."

"No, Spike, you need to get out of here."

"Ok." Spike moved to open the door.

"Where are you going?"

"You just told me to get out."

"Put on your clothes first."

Spike quickly dressed and then opened the door..and saw Riley standing in the hallway, his hair still dripping.

They stared at each for a long moment, Buffy standing behind Spike, her face turning a bright red.

"Good morning," Spike greeted pleasantly.

"What are you doing coming out of Buffy's room?" Riley asked, his voice calm and measured.

"Spent the night here, mate."

Buffy was absolutely mortified and vowed that she would kill Spike with Mr. Pointy. But it was tempting to lop off his head. After she cut off other body parts.

"What?"

"Slept in the basement, mate. Just came upstairs to see if the Slayer was awake."

"Why?"

"Wanted to talk to her."

"Yeah, but obviously, I don't want to talk to him right now, so I told him to leave," Buffy added.

Riley sighed, "Whatever. I'm not going to fight with you over this anymore, Buffy. Hostile 17 is no longer any of my concern..or really anybody's since the Initiative has been destroyed."

Riley moved past Spike and he obligingly stepped out of the way. "Don't worry about cooking anything, Buffy, I'm beat."

As soon as the door clicked behind them, Buffy turned to Spike. "Ok, that was close."

Spike wanted to ask why it matter, why couldn't she just tell the ex- soldier that she was with him now. Not that mattered though, not as long as she kept sleeping with him. He wasn't the one with a conscious to bother him.

"Uh huh. I think I'll go get some sleep in the basement."

"Ok, you need anything?"

"You can come downstairs and make sure I'm comfortable," Spike suggested.

Buffy smiled, "I could, but I won't. No more of that today."

"What about tonight?"

She stepped forward and kissed him, "Maybe."

Chapter 10

Neither Buffy nor Angel noticed when Spike opened his eyes. They were both too wrapped up in her memories. His eyes were clear, free of fog, and focused. In that moment, he knew exactly who he was, and whom he was with, though he didn't recognize the room. He heard and understood the Slayer clearly. She was talking about the first time they had made love-fucked.

She had made him hide in the closet. That's when he knew, and understood clearly. Spike wasn't stupid, though he had pulled more than his fair share of stupid stunts. She may not have realized what she was doing then, but Spike did. She was going to have her normal life if it killed her in the process..even if she was fucking the undead.

Now he listened to her descriptively explain the whole thing to her other ex-lover like she was telling him about a movie she had seen.

He must have made a noise, or maybe she just caught his blue eyes out of the corner of her green ones, because she jumped completely off the bed in the middle of her story. "Spike! You're awake."

Spike turned his attention away from her. His memories were still fuzzy and a little vague, but he remembered enough. He didn't want to talk to her.

"Spike?" Her voice was quiet now, tentative. He didn't look her way.

"Spike, are you with us?" Angel's voice was gentle. Spike didn't respond. "William?" A hint of brogue emerged.

"Spike, please talk to me. Let me know what's going on," Buffy pleaded.

"Are you hungry?" Angel asked.

He wasn't, but he nodded anyway. As soon as Angel left to get blood, Buffy reached out to touch Spike. He shied away from her. Buffy sighed. "Where have you been Spike?"

"Dirty," he croaked.

"I didn't mean it, Spike."

Angel entered the room followed by a green demon. "Buffy, you've met Lorne."

"Good to see you again."

"You too, cupcake."

"I thought maybe Lorne could help us figure out what's wrong with Spike," Angel explained.

"Hey Handsome, can you sing for me."

Spike stared at him, not responsive.

"Maybe you can hum for me," Lorne suggested.

Spike tonelessly hummed a few bars of an old drinking tune. Lorne's eyes widened, "Uh, Angel, can I talk to you..."

*** "..alone?"

"We can't be alone, I'm here with people, Spike."

"You can sneak away for a minute. Let's pretend you're slaying a vampire."

"I will be in a few minutes, if he won't leave me be."

"Ahhh, Slayer, you don't mean that." Spike grinned wickedly and Buffy felt her resolve shake. "Come outside with me."

"No."

Spike took her hand, "Yes." The sound was almost a purr, almost a growl, and Buffy didn't have the willpower to resist it.

"They'll miss me," she pointed out, but it was a token protest.

"You won't be gone for long," he promised.

"I'm expecting Riley."

"We'll make sure he doesn't catch the show, if that's what you're worried about."

She allowed herself to be lead out the back door of the Bronze to the alley. "Where have you been Spike?"

He shrugged, "Busy."

"You think you can disappear then show up and demand a quickie in a back alley?"

"You want me to stop?" He was currently kissing her neck.

"No."

"That's what I thought."

"You haven't been causing trouble, have you?"

"Slayer, anybody ever tell you talk too much?"

"Hey..oooh, yes. That feels good."

"I know."

Buffy really wanted to stop the arrogant vampire. Who did he think he was? Just because they had wild, hot sex a dozen or so times did not mean that he could just lure her out of the Bronze and away from her friends. But if she stopped him, she would just be punishing herself, and that wouldn't do.

Buffy fumbled with his zipper with one hand while she hiked up her skirt with the other. Spike's hands were all over her, lighting up her body.

"Miss me, luv?"

Buffy didn't answer. She didn't want to talk, she just wanted him inside of her. She didn't realize how much she wanted him until he was there, separated only by rough denim, straining against his fly.

Spike stopped touching her, and moved back slightly. "Did you miss me luv?" He asked again.

"What? Yes."

At that point she would agree to anything if only he would finish what he started. She was painfully aroused. She was going to go crazy if he stopped.

"Say it."

Buffy blinked. "I missed you Spike," she breathed, finding it difficult to force words out of her throat. "I missed you so much."

"Glad to hear it." He braced himself and then quickly entered her. She moaned with relief and moved against him, forcing him deeper. She buried her face in his neck to muffle the sounds escaping, unbidden, from her throat.

"Oh Buffy, oh god Slayer, oh god. You feel so good Buffy," Spike whispered into her ear. The sound of his deep voice nearly pushed her over the edge. She felt like she hadn't had sex in months, but she was just with Riley the night before. At the thought of Riley, a stab of guilt pierced her heart. She shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't have started this. She should end it.

Her movements slowed as her guilt built. Fuck, what was she doing? She shouldn't let him do this to her, shouldn't allow it.

"What's wrong Slayer," he asked quietly without breaking his rhythm.

She shook her head. Now was not the time for the conversation, and her treacherous body refused to let her tell him to stop. Spike knew the problem anyway. He always knew what was on her mind.

He pushed her head from his shoulder, and cupped her chin in his hand. Now he stopped moving inside of her. He looked her in the eyes for several seconds, then kissed her passionately. It took her breath away, and she was reminded of their first night when she couldn't even breath the pleasure was so intense. When he moved his lips from hers and began trailing them down her chin and neck, the doubts and guilt fled her mind. She began rocking against him, and Spike picked up the rhythm like he never stopped.

Several minutes later, Buffy was frantically trying to rearrange her clothes and hair. "Do I look presentable?"

Spike was casually leaning against the wall and smoking. "You look delicious."

Buffy sighed, "Do I look like I just fucked a vampire in an alley?"

Spike flicked his cigarette and turned to walk away. "No." Then he was gone. Buffy frowned. What did she say? She didn't want to see him go, but she couldn't call out to him either. She was sure she would run into him..

*** ".later." Angel insisted.

Buffy looked over her shoulder at Spike laying on his bed. His eyes were still clear, but he still insisted on avoiding her gaze.

She shut the door quietly and faced him in the hallway. "I want to know now."

"Buffy, I think you should wait."

"Wait for what?"

"Until Spike knows what Lorne saw."

"Fine, where's Lorne?"

"He should be here soon. Try to be a little patient."

"Patience has never been my strong suit," Buffy said crossing her arms.

"How is he?"

"Won't talk to me, won't look at me."

Lorne arrived just as Angel was about to ask another question, and Buffy sighed with relief. She didn't want to talk about it right now. It hurt in places that she didn't know could hurt. And she knew it was all her fault.

"Is he still awake?" Lorne asked.

"Yeah. I think so."

"I'll just be a few minutes," he promised as he opened the door.

*** Spike eyed the green demon warily. "Well, Handsome, anything you want to tell me?"

Spike didn't respond.

"I'm kinda curious about how you got it."

Nothing.

Lorne sighed and sat down, "The silent-type huh? That's ok. You're in trouble, and you need help. You think it's the soul, and that's partially right. Whatever trials you had to go through to get it isn't over yet. You haven't completed your final test."

"What is it?" Spike's voice was barely a whisper.

"You've still got to face your greatest fear, Spike. I don't think you need me to tell you what that is."

Spike shook his head.

"Anyway, once you finish the test the soul will settle permanently, and your mind will come back together."

"Broken?"

"It is, in a way," Lorne's voice was gentle. "Anyway, you want me to bring in the other two? They are pretty worried about you."

Spike turned his head away. "Alone."

"I understand," Lorne said, standing. "If you need anything, give a holler."

Spike nodded, closed his eyes, and appeared to fall asleep. Lorne left the room quietly.

Chapter 11

Spike lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and listening to Angel and Buffy talk outside his door. He was back. He knew who he was and what was going on. But he didn't have all of his memories. They were slowly washing over him, in sepia colors. He didn't want to see or talk to anybody until he was settled, until everything wasn't so confusing and uncertain.

He did recall the trials for his soul. He vaguely remembered what the old woman and told him after he woke up from his pain-induced coma. He still had one more thing to do, and until he did it, he wouldn't be whole. Spike had been too tired to understand the urgency of this final test, and by the time he did, it was too late.

But somehow he was back. It must have had something to do with Buffy. Which meant she was his final trial. He was lost and confused without her, operating on auto-pilot, with no concept of the past or the future. But now he knew, and with each minute he remembered a bit more. With each passing minute he wished he could escape back to the dark recesses of his mind. It wasn't so painful there. It was the coward's way out, but Spike wasn't feeling very brave at the moment.

He wondered how he made it as far as L.A. The last place he actually remembered was in the middle of Africa. Somehow he had managed to travel half-way around the world without being aware of it. He also wondered how long he had been gone. There was absolutely no way for him to tell, he'd have to ask somebody. Which would mean actually talking to somebody, which he did not want to do at this point. Or ever, really.

Los Angeles was a big city. There were demons, vampires, and demon hunters. Plenty of chances to run into the wrong crowd and get killed. There was an excellent chance that you could drive through the entire city and never run into a familiar face. Yet somehow he survived the Big Bad City and furthermore, found Angel. Just his luck.

He hoped they would leave him alone for the rest of the night, at least. He needed his.

*** "..privacy?" Buffy demanded.

"No, not really," Spike responded, casually flipping through her diary.

"That's it, I'm going to kill you."

"Over a little thing like reading your diary?" Spike asked, pausing to read a passage.

Buffy ripped it out of his hands, "It's not a little thing, Spike. You can't just go around reading people's diaries!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's wrong."

"You're very predictable."

"Spike." Her voice held more than just a hint of warning.

"Well, how the hell am I supposed to know what you're thinking if I don't read your diary?"

"Spike, this isn't the first time, is it?"

"First time for what?" He was all big-eyed innocence.

"You're read my diary before." It wasn't a question.

"Well, yes," he admitted, averting his eyes.

She sighed and weighed her options. She could knock him out, kill him, or fuck him. He didn't deserve to be fucked, and she really didn't feel like vacuuming up his ashes, so she settled for punching him in the nose.

"Hey, Slayer! Watch it."

"Spike, damnit, you're getting off easy here. How long have you been reading it?"

"Couple of weeks now," he muttered. He had at least looked ashamed of himself. But for all she knew, it was an act.

Buffy didn't say anything, just sank onto the bed, her face a bright red. She had three journals. One was her Slayer journal, the other one was fake, and then there was the third one. The one Spike was reading. In it she wrote everything about her life, how she felt, her deepest and darkest secrets. It was meant for her eyes only, and she actually had plans of burning it so nobody would find it after her death. She had tears of humiliation in her eyes.

Spike moved towards her. "Oh, are you crying Slayer? Don't cry...please."

She sniffed and rubbed her face, "I'm not crying."

He kneeled in front of her, "I didn't meant to upset you, Buffy. I just wanted to know more about you, is all."

"Why didn't you just ask me?"

"You wouldn't have told me."

"Maybe because I didn't want you to know."

"Do you want anybody to know?"

"What?"

Spike pointed to the diary, now lying on the bed beside her. "You haven't told your friends about that stuff."

"You haven't told the soldier either."

She shook her head, letting her long hair fall forward and hide her face. Spike reached up and gently pushed it back. "You can tell me."

Buffy looked up at him, trying to gauge his sincerity. He was looking at her intently, his blue eyes dark and serious. His face was open and caring, and for the first time since she met him, he seemed patient, like he could wait for the answer. She wanted to talk to him, she needed to talk to somebody because sometimes it felt like she might drown under the weight of everything.

"I don't know how." It sounded lame to her ears, like a stupid excuse. But she couldn't explain it any other way.

Spike nodded, "I know it's hard to open up. But you can trust me, Buffy."

Could she really trust him? She trusted him with her body nearly every night, could she go as far as confide in him? Wouldn't that change the nature of their relationship though? She could deal with the guilt of messing around behind Riley's back because it was just sex. She could justify it. But if she started talking to Spike, started opening up, how could she justify it then? He wouldn't just a glorified sex toy anymore.. he'd be a person.

"Where should I start?" She whispered.

"Why are you with me? Why do you allow me to touch you like this?" His fingers lightly caressed her breasts.

"I don't know."

"Buffy, you do too."

"Well, if you know what it is, why are you asking?"

"I want you to say it."

"Why does it matter so much to you?"

"Buffy, it's not about me. It's about you. You have to learn how to open up and let people in."

"It hurts to let people in."

"Sometimes," Spike conceded, "But your friends and your mother loves you, they would never betray you."

"What about you?"

"You know I wouldn't."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"We're not talking about me, we're talking about you."

"You're the one who wants to be open. So answer me."

"What was the question again?"

Buffy growled in frustration, "Do you love me?" It was an insane question to ask, Buffy knew that. It wouldn't change anything, but it would change absolutely everything. And didn't she already suspect he answer anyway, or else she never would have asked?

"You answer my question first."

Fair enough. "I sleep with you because I want you. And because I don't have to hide anything from you. The others wanted me to be a girl, but with you I can be a girl, a slayer, and a woman. You accept all of me, and I need that."

It was a short speech, but her heart was pounding and her palms were sweaty. It took so much to make that one simple confession, and she couldn't look at him as she waited for his reaction.

Spike watched her for several seconds, his heart in his throat. He had seen glimpses of her vulnerable side before. At first it made him uncomfortable, but now that he knew her a bit better, he was thrilled by her hesitant confession. He wanted her confidence more than anything, and it occurred to him that reading her diary wasn't the best way to go about that. But maybe it would force her to talk to him, and that was worth her anger.

"Oh Buffy," he said softly, "I make you feel all those things because I love you."

Part of her already knew it, but she was still surprised when he said. Could soulless vampires love? She didn't know. She always thought that they couldn't. Angel couldn't love her without a soul. Her confusion must have been evident on her face, because Spike was intently watching her with apprehension. "I don't know what to say to that," she finally whispered. "I don't know how to respond."

Spike leaned forward until his lips were just a breath away from hers. "You don't have to say anything."

"I don't know what it means.." She said helplessly.

"Let me show you."

She nodded and stretched out on the bed, waiting for him to touch her. He whispered as he leaned over her, "I still want you to..

*** ".talk to me?" Buffy demanded.

Spike didn't answer. She pulled him out of his reverie, reliving that memory was sweet. He had been so worried that Buffy would kick him out of her room, her life, if he pushed her. And he was afraid she would laugh if he told her he loved her.

She didn't exactly react with joy to that revelation, but she hadn't laughed either. It was enough to give him bittersweet hope.

"Spike, please, you can't just ignore me forever."

She was right, he couldn't. But he could ignore her for the rest of the night. It wouldn't do any good to simply tell her he wanted to be left alone. She sat beside the bed, staring at him, waiting for him to respond to her somehow. Maybe if he gave her a crumb she would be satisfied and let him alone.

"How long?"

"How long have you been gone? Ten years."

Spike blinked in surprise. Ten years? No, he couldn't believe that. How could he have been lost in his own blank mind for ten years? How was that possible?

"It seems longer than that though," she continued, "I missed you so much Spike. I really have."

He didn't doubt it. Nobody could touch her like he could. But that was all she missed. She had said as much before he even left. Did he really go get a soul for her? With a newfound objectivity, the notion seemed quite stupid. What the hell had he been thinking? Obviously not much of anything.

"Spike, is it alright if Lorne tells me what he saw? He doesn't want to breach your privacy." Spike really didn't care. "Don't care."

"Spike..will you come with me? To Sunnydale?"

Why was she asking him this? Why would he want to go anywhere with her? Didn't she know she had destroyed him, made him insane? Didn't she care that she broke his heart and his mind, and maybe he couldn't deal with her anymore? He didn't respond.

"Ok, will you think about it? Spike, I want to help you get better."

" 'm fine."

"No, you're not." Buffy got closer to the bed, almost touching him. He didn't have the energy to move away from her, though he wanted to. "I still remember when you helped me get better. I never thanked you properly for that."

"What?"

"The night you told me you loved me. It was so different, so..

*** ".gentle."

"I can be gentle," he said, smiling.

"I didn't know that."

"You never let me show you. You're scared."

"I'm not scared of you," Buffy denied.

"I never said you were scared of me."

Buffy was laying against Spike, her butt pressed against his semi-erect cock, her head resting on his arm. He was rubbing her lightly with his fingers, tracing the side of her body. They were facing the window, and Buffy was watching the way the moonbeams danced in and around the clouds.

"I never let you do this either. Hold me."

"I've always wanted to."

She sighed, "I know. But this.this is different, Spike. It's moving our relationship in a direction that frightens me."

They laid in comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Her naked skin glowed in the silver light, and Spike delighted in the way her long, golden hair reflected the pale light. Truth be told, he delighted in her entire body. It was magnificent, and every time she allowed him to touch her, kiss her, fuck her, it was like a precious gift.

He sighed and felt rather content. He had made love to her before, but she never really wanted it like that. Tonight though, she had really wanted it, almost begged for it. She was opening up to him, trusting him more and more.

"What time is it?" Her voice was thick, and her breath was slowing. He knew she was going to drift to sleep soon.

"A little past 10, actually. We got an early start tonight."

She jumped and sat up. "Shit."

"What?"

"I..I came home to change. Patrolling and a date."

"So what? You wanna go patrol?"

"Well, I promised Riley I'd meet him.."

"No, Buffy."

"No?"

"No, you aren't running away. Not tonight."

"You can't force me to stay," she said coldly, pulling away from him.

"If you leave this bed to go to him, that's it. I'm not coming back."

"Spike.." She was getting angry now. That was fine with him. "You know the deal."

"And what's the deal Buffy? You are leading two lives now, and you won't be able to keep it up. You stay with me tonight."

"You think I'll just choose you? You think I don't want what Riley is offering me?"

"I don't care what you want Slayer. You're going to stay here, with me, tonight."

"Spike, you can't just tell me what to do," she protested.

"You are staying here," his voice was low, his words measured and clipped. Buffy finally felt how tense he was, could sense his anger. Whatever was on his mind, was it really worth fighting over? It's not like she needed to see Riley. But at the same time, she didn't want to give in and let him think he could just boss her around whenever he felt like it.

"Why do you want me to stay?"

"We still need to talk."

"I don't.." I don't want to talk, she was going to say, but she didn't think Spike was too concerned about what she wanted.

"Tough shit, Princess."

"You know, you aren't being very pleasant."

"If you lay back down, I can't be very pleasant."

She sighed, but relaxed against him. There was no use fighting him when he got like his, he was surprisingly stubborn.

"Fine, what do you want to talk.."

*** ".about?" Spike asked.

"You made me talk, Spike. You made me open up. It changed me."

Spike shrugged, and looked unconcerned. "It won't change me."

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