Disclaimers: While I do have Spike tied up in my basement, I don't think I have permission to make a profit off him or any of the other Scoobs. And he keeps saying his name is James, for some reason. Tricky vamp!

Ok, a little explanation of this alternate universe. If anything isn't clear and you're curious, feel free to let me know. Also, my apologies if Buffy seems out of character. To get her to be remotely nice to Spike, I kind of have to take liberties. Anyway, the synopsis:

In this semi-alternate season 5(and later 6) world ....Dawn doesn't exist. The monks put the key ' in' Buffy around the same time they created Dawn in Buffyworld. She's a powerful, successful slayer, good host for the key. She finds out the same way she did with Dawn in Buffyworld-the monk. Spike realizes the gang is keeping a big secret from him, so he breaks into the Magic Box and reads Giles' journal-finds out that way about Buffy being the key. Crush, Intervention, all the Buffy/Spike stuff happens, except he's trying to protect her and not Dawn. Glory finds out about Buffy same way- poor, crazy Tara. They all take off in the RV, have the standoff with the Crusade rejects, Buffy gives herself to Glory when Ben changes, so the rest of her friends won't be harmed anymore. Buffy is determined to kill herself before Glory gets to use her, but Glory is smart and has a binding power placed over her so she can't move of her own will. At the top of the tower, she is chained up. ( Oh yeah, the 'Doc' guy doesn't play into this scenario) Spike manages to make it up to the top of the tower as the Scoobies remain below holding the minions and lunatics at bay. And this is where we join them.

***

"BUFFY!" Spike calls to her as he closes the distance between himself and Glory, who stands in front of Buffy. Glory turns and waves her hand at him, in an almost dismissive manner. He runs into an invisible barrier about 3 yards from the women. Well, woman and hell-god. His face strains as he kicks and punches at the barrier.

"Oh lookie," Glory laughs. "There's my precious. You were a naughty vampire, running away from me. But I'll forgive you just this once, seeing as I got what I want now. You can run along home. Unless you want to stay for the show. Yeah... I bet you do. Suit yourself!" Glory turned to Buffy. "Won't be long now. Almost time."

"BUFFY!" Spike yells again. He looks at her, not hiding his anguish. She meets his look, but hers is one of resignation. She gives him a weak smile and then looks away. It is all she can do. Her arms and legs are useless to her. Spike wonders why she isn't fighting, but he can guess.

"Now look at this. This is just sweet," Glory mocks as she looks from Buffy to an enraged, thrashing, Spike, and back to Buffy. She walks right up to the barrier, only inches from Spike. "You're not gonna save her, Precious. She's going to open my front door, and I'm going home. I've spent too damned long in this ridiculous realm, and I don't intend to let a skinny vampire stop me." She turns from him, but then her eyes narrow and she turns back. "Oh yeah ... my ass is NOT lopsided!" With that, Glory waves her hand again and Spike feels himself being pushed back further from Buffy. He goes back another yard before the pushing stops.

"Buffy! Luv, can you move? I can't get to you. I can't ... " Spike sees she's given up and tears stream down his face. "NO! Luv ... fight. You have to fight."

"Spike ... it's ok," is all Buffy can manage, and that at a barely perceptible whisper. But Spike hears her, and he crumbles.

"Oh yea! It's time!" Glory says gleefully. She approaches Buffy with a small, jewel encrusted knife.

Spike sees this and flies into a new rage. "HEY! You BITCH! You too scared to handle me once and for all? Musta really twisted your knickers knowing that I escaped from a skank like yourself, huh? You gotta put up a barrier because you know what I could do to you, isn't that right?" Spike repeatedly bangs on the barrier for emphasis.

Glory giggles and looks at Buffy. "Ya know ... if you weren't going to die, I'd say he's a keeper." She turns back to Spike, "Sorry sweetie, can't play now. I'm a little busy." With that, Glory turns back to Buffy and with a quick, deft swipe makes a small cut just below her collar bone. Then one to her stomach. Buffy winces in pain as Spike practically howls as if he were being cut himself. Glory frowns a bit. "This is going to take too long. Blood trickling from all the way up here ... " She kneels down and cuts Buffy on the foot and calf. "Now we're talking. Sooner that door opens, the sooner I'm outta here." She smiles with satisfaction.

Buffy closes her eyes as she feels the wounds stinging. She can feel the cool wind, as high as they are. She can hear Spike ... he has fallen to his knees and is now weeping softly, but she can hear him. He is whispering her name and the word 'no' over and over. Then she senses a great energy from below her. She opens her eyes and looks down. The portal is open.

"Ah! Finally ... It's been real, kiddies. But momma's got some house cleaning to do," at that, Glory takes a small step off the platform and falls into the portal.

Buffy watches her fall and when Glory is no longer visible, Buffy feels her strength returning. Spike senses a change too and advances to her, the barrier gone.

"Buffy. Are you alright? Here, let's get you out of this." With two swift yanks, Spike breaks the chains that hold her. She almost collapses in his arms. She looks down at the portal below them. Then she looks around as other portals seem to open up. Lightning tears through the sky. Fissures open in the earth, spewing fire and steam. From some distant portal, a dragon-like creature flies overhead. Buffy closes her eyes and lowers her head, laying it on Spike's chest.

"Come on, luv. Let's get you off this tower before it crumbles. Doesn't feel all that sturdy to me."

Buffy doesn't react, she simply nuzzles her head against him, smelling the leather of his coat. She wraps her arms around him. He does the same.

In a softer voice, Spike says, "Luv ... we really can't stay up here. Plenty of time for a cuddle down on solid ground, ok?"

Buffy looks up at him and smiles sweetly. She releases him and backs away a bit. "Spike, tell my friends I love them all. Tell them I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused them lately. And thank them, for me. For trying to help me. And ... tell Giles ... tell him he was the best father a girl could ever hope for." She lets out a little sigh as a tear falls.

Spike looks confused, "How about you tell them once we get down from here? I mean, you got a few cuts, but I think you'll make it, pet.

Buffy looks at Spike, then down at the portal below them. The realization hits Spike, hard.

"NO! Bloody hell, NO!" He grabs her arms, trying to shake some sense into her.

Buffy smiles again, a sad smile now. "Spike ... it's the only way. Look, around. All this... I can stop it."

Spike is red with rage, "NO! Whatever gets loose, we can fight it! We've always fought it. Demons, vamps, whatever came, we always fought! YOU always fought. You're the bleedin' Slayer!"

"I know ... and this is how I have to fight this. It's the only way to beat it, Spike. The only way." With this, Buffy reaches up and puts her arms around Spike's shoulders, pulling him down for an embrace. He is shaking his head 'no.' She turns her head, so her lips are very near his ear. "Thank you, Spike. Thank you for everything you've done for me. And ... thank you for loving me."

Spike pulls away from the embrace and grabs her arms again. "No, I won't let you do this, Slayer. You can't just-" His words are cut off by a swift uppercut that sends him sprawling back several feet.

Buffy looks down at him, as he looks up at her in shock. "Take care of them for me, Spike. You're the only one who can now. And take care of yourself." Buffy turns and takes a small step off the platform, much like Glory did. Spike lunges for her, nearly falling off himself. He feels only the slightest tickle of her hair through his fingers before she is gone. Gone.

Spike stares blankly at the ground. He is lying on his stomach, on the platform, where just seconds ago Buffy left him. His arms are still outstretched, downward, as if he might get her if he reaches far enough. The portal is closed. All the portals are closed, but he doesn't notice. The tears fall from his still blank face. They fall a long way down.

As if in a daze, Spike works his way down the platform, to where the rest of the gang are. The minions and others who were working there have all scattered now. Only the Scoobies remain. Willow and Tara are leaning on each other, in equal measure. Xander is carrying Anya. Giles stands looking where the portal had been. They are all in shock. They all start a bit when they hear Spike, his voice low and raw.

"Where is she?"

They each look at him with confusion, then pity. They think he doesn't know what happened. Spike walks past them and stands directly underneath the high platform. He looks up and then down at the ground around him. Then he looks at Giles.

"Where is she? Where is her b ... Where is Buffy?" Spike's face is desperate.

Giles looks down and takes a deep breath. Calmly, he says, "The portal opened and closed. That means she's ... " He can't finish.

"She's what? Dead? I know that, you sodding git. Where is her body?"

Giles looks puzzled. He takes a questioning glance up toward the platform and then back to Spike. "She's not ... up there?"

Spike's face goes cold. "You think I would leave her up there? She jumped. Into the portal. Now where is her bleedin' ... " Spike sighs and searches frantically around the area they are all standing, as if perhaps they just missed seeing her body.

Giles rubs his eyes and shakes his head. "She didn't . she's not down here." Then a flash of realization hits him. "Oh ... dear Lord ... she must have ... she didn't jump through it . she jumped into the portal."

"But it's closed, all the same." Xander walks up beside Giles and steadies Anya on her feet. "It's closed, so that means she's ... dead."

Anya looks thoughtfully at Giles and then says, "But maybe she didn't go into the portal. Maybe the energy from it just ... you know ... her body ... maybe it just ... "

Willow suddenly bursts with rage. "Just what? Just ... just ... vaporized? Maybe Buffy is a million pieces in the air around us? Is that what you're saying?" Willow breaks down in Tara's arms, as her lover caresses her red hair and tries to calm her.

The silence the group holds lasts only a moment. It is broken by the sound of an I-beam crashing through a brick wall and the screaming of the man who threw it. They all look at Spike, vamp-faced and furious. His yellow, glowing eyes cause the group to tense up. He gives them all a guttural growl as he turns and stalks away.

*** TBC-if feedback warrants it! If nobody likes it, I'll give it up. AU fics can be tricky!

Spike sat quietly on the platform, his legs swinging off the front. "Well, luv. It's me again. Bet you wish I'd stop coming here, but frankly I don't have anything better to do. I went patrolling with the wiccan lovers last night. Red is getting pretty good at the witch stuff. And the bot...is pulling her...its weight. Everyone's pretty glad I had it built now. I don't much like patrolling with it. Most times I wonder why I even liked it in the first place. It's not you. Uh, anyway...I looked up the witches tonight for patrolling. Said they were busy. Same with the whelp and his demon lady. Not keen on patrolling with Giles alone. I think he might know...that it was my fault. He hasn't said anything, but he's a smart bloke. And uh, no way I'm going out alone with the bot. So I went alone tonight. I like that best. I get to pretend you're with me, and I can annoy you all night. And when I come against some nasties, I can feel you with me. And we beat them every time, luv. Every time." Spike sighed and re-lit the cigarette that had burned out in his hand. He took a deep drag, blowing the smoke over his head and into the night sky. "It's been forty three days since you...left. I thought it would be a bit easier by now, but it's not. I try to keep up appearances for the Scoobies, they seem to appreciate my help. But I'm barely hangin' on, pet. I'm not sure I can go an eternity without you, because these forty three days already feel longer than my entire 127 years. But I'll keep doing what you asked me to do. Because it's the least I owe-" Spike was interrupted by sounds from below him. They were quiet, but with his supernatural hearing, he could make out voices. He recognized them as the Scoobies. He looked down at them directly below him. They seemed to just be sitting around. Spike sighed and flipped his cigarette off to the side. "Well, luv, guess I'll be going now. I'll be back tomorrow, though. Well, you know that. I'll tell you all about how I nicked my new motorcycle from a gang of hellions."

Spike made his way down the structure slowly, in no particular rush to see her friends. When he reached the bottom, he saw Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya all sitting around some candles, holding hands. He came up to them cautiously, still curious as to what was up. Without warning, a great, red energy flowed around Willow and the other three leaned away from her. Willow was chanting something as the energy swirled around her. In an instant, the energy was gone, and Willow fell forward, nearly knocking over the candles. The others rushed to her side. Spike spoke up.

"What's going on here? What kind of spell did you just do?" Spike was looking at them all with narrow eyes.

Xander was the first to speak. "It's...nothing. Nothing that concerns you, Spike. Why don't you just go away, leave us alone." When he could see the vampire was not budging, he turned the offensive. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I come here every bleedin' night, what's it to you?" Spike clenched his jaw, angry that he had spoken before thinking. It wasn't anyone's business what he was doing here.

Spike stood by, as the others tended to Willow. She came to slowly. When she saw Spike, she got a glint of fear in her eyes. He caught it. He squatted down close to her.

"Alright, Red. What's this all about?"

Willow looked at Spike, then looked around, past the group. Tears filled her eyes. "It didn't work. We had one shot, and it didn't work..."

Spike looked at her harshly, ignoring her tears. "What didn't work? What are you doing here?"

"Spike, like I said, it doesn't concern you. Now leave her alone." Xander stood over Spike, trying to look threatening. Spike gave a little smirk and stood to meet him.

Willow tried to get to her feet, but needed help from Tara. "Stop it. Just stop it. Xander...it didn't work. It doesn't matter any more. I don't care if he knows." Willow sighed in resignation. "We were...we were trying to bring Buffy back."

Spike glared at her with a mixture of confusion and anger. "You what?"

"She...she went into another dimension. Wherever Glory went, Buffy had to have gone there too. I think...I believe they went to the same place. And I couldn't just leave Buffy there...to be tortured in a hell. I don't know what happened to her body...same thing that happened to Glory or Ben's body, I suppose-whatever that was. But I'm sure her soul.is in that hell dimension that is ruled by Glory now. And after Buffy sacrificed herself to save us all, I wasn't about to let her suffer eternal torment at the hands of that bitch." Willow was crying again, now letting Xander comfort her.

Spike closed his eyes and lowered his head, processing all he had heard. The group was silent again, except for Willow's soft weeping. All but Spike sat down on the ground. Something piercing shattered the uneasy quiet. It sounded like screaming, like a woman screaming. It was coming from above them. A small tear of energy widened several hundred feet over their heads. Something fell out of the tear. Spike was the first to realize. He kept his eyes on the falling thing, repositioning himself around the group, nearly stepping on each of them as he moved. The screaming got closer and louder. Spike braced himself for impact. When it hit, Spike crumpled to the ground, holding the fallen thing. The Scoobies surrounded Spike and the thing. As Spike shook away the pain of his head rebounding on the ground, he realized what the fallen thing was. A naked woman. It was Buffy. He couldn't speak. No one could. They all just gaped in amazement. Willow was the first to speak.

"Oh my God! It worked! It worked! She's back. It's...Buffy." Her enthusiasm turned quieter as she saw the rest of the group still in shock. She approached Buffy slowly.

Buffy climbed off Spike and quickly crawled several feet away from the group, looking absolutely terrified. Spike sat up slowly, his eyes never leaving the girl.

"She's...she's naked," was Anya's first statement.

"She's hurt...look at her...all the bruises and cuts..." Tara spoke softly, with much concern.

Spike tilted his head and furrowed his brow a bit. He slowly got up and took off his duster. He slowly approached Buffy. She scooted back further, still scared. Spike put up his hands to try and calm her. He crouched down as close as she would let him get, which was only a couple of yards.

"Buffy...my God, it's you." Spike gave a half-smile before his brow furrowed again. "Can you hear me, luv? Can you understand what I'm saying?"

"Spike, stay away from her. Let us handle this," Xander said forcefully as he approached Buffy. She shied back further.

Spike gave an aggravated sigh and ignored Xander. "Do you understand me?," he asked softly to Buffy again.

Buffy looked at each of the group in turn, a very panicked expression on her face. She finally settled on Spike, and nodded slowly. Spike gave her a smile. "That's my girl. Ok...luv, you're...you must be cold. You should put this on," at that, Spike held up his duster. He tried to approach her with it, but she moved back again. "Ok, ok...I'm just going to lay it here for you, ok? You should put it on." Spike laid the coat in front of Buffy, trying to get it as close to her as possible. She just looked at it for a while. Then she looked at Spike, who wasn't trying to hide his worry. Slowly, she reached out for the coat and pulled it to her. She didn't put it on right away, instead she held it tightly to her body, softly rubbing her face over the material. Then she looked up at everyone still looking at her. She slipped the coat on and stood up, shakily. She held it closed with both hands.

She spoke in a ragged whisper. "Where...what happened?" Buffy rasped.

Before anyone else could answer, Willow stepped in front of Spike and Xander. "Buffy, you're back. We brought you back. You...you were gone. You were someplace very bad, and we brought you back from there.

**

Slowly, Buffy slipped on the coat. She kept her eyes down, but shifting constantly. She pulled the coat closed around her and held it there tight. Spike took a deep breath because he knew if he didn't do something to calm himself, he would run and grab her up and never let go. And he could tell that was the last thing she could handle right now. As the rest of the gang slowly crept in behind Spike, Buffy finally leveled her gaze at them. She looked terrified and confused, beyond all reckoning. Spike slowly turned around to face the group.

"You take her home now. Get her a bath, clothes, whatever she'll tolerate. She needs bandaged up too, but don't push it. If she's lookin' too skiddish, you leave her be. Try to get her to sleep, but like I said, don't push anything. Wrong move and I think she'll bolt." The others nodded at Spike. Xander seemed to almost say something, but then refrained. They all just looked at Buffy for a moment until Spike said, "NOW!" in the most commanding voice he could muster at a whisper.

Xander stepped forward toward Buffy. "Uh, Buff? Buffy? WE'RE.....GOING...TO...TAKE.....YOU...HOME...NOW"

"God, you nit, she's not deaf and she understands you just fine. Don't you, pet?" Spike turned to Buffy. She nodded shakily.

Xander approached her slowly and put out his arms to direct her toward his car. She walked warily, keeping some distance between herself and the others. Willow, Tara, and Anya followed slowly. They put Buffy in the back of Xander's SUV, where she would have some room to herself. She stayed huddled in Spike's coat the entire way-never saying a word. Anya started to ask Buffy something, but Xander elbowed her. She pouted and wondered aloud why they were all being so quiet when they should all be happy. No one else spoke during the trip.

When they reached Buffy's house, Spike was already there, sitting on the porch. He stood up when he saw the car pull in and started pacing around the porch.

Xander let Buffy out of the back and she climbed out slowly. She stood for a moment, looking up at her house. Then she noticed Spike standing on the porch. He had stopped pacing when he saw her and now he was just staring at her. She quickly averted her eyes when she noticed he was looking at her. Spike automatically looked away too, though he wasn't entirely sure why. Buffy noticed that everyone was looking at her and she started to make her way up to the house. Spike stood to the side, a bit too far, and again he wasn't sure why. Xander quickly scooted in front of Buffy to unlock the door. He started talking to her in a low voice.

"We, uh, we kept everything just like you left it. Mostly. Will and Tara have stayed here off and on since...well.....We just wanted to make sure everything was ok for when we...for when you.....came back. Anyway, it's pretty much like it always was. I put in some shelves in the kitchen and I widened the closet in the guest bedroom..." Xander trailed off when he saw Buffy near tears.

She stood in the middle of the living room, all her friends looking at her, and she was softly crying.

"Oh, um, I can take the shelves out. Not a problem. I can put everything back just the way--" he stopped when she looked up at him, her eyes still wet. "No," she said softly, almost too softly. "Everything is ok. I just...it's all...so much...I can't..."

Willow stepped forward, "Of course, Buffy, we understand. It's all a lot to take in. All this 'you being not dead' stuff. And we're going to leave you alone as soon as we're sure you're ok."

"Yeah, because...we all love you and we just want you to be...ok," Tara piped in.

Buffy smiled...but it didn't really resemble a smile. "I'm ok, guys. I just..." Buffy shook her head as words failed her.

Anya took this chance to finally ask her question. "So where were you? What was it like?"

The rest of the group shot her a look, but then they slowly looked at Buffy, expectation in their eyes.

"Buffy, you don't have to talk about it," Willow finally said. "We can tell that wherever you were, it was...bad. You don't have to discuss it until you're ready."

"And if you never want to, that's ok too." Tara added with a weak smile.

"Well, of course she'll want to. I mean, this is pretty big stuff. And I'm sure Giles will want all the juicy details for his boring Watcher's journals. She *has* to talk about it eventually. It's part of her sworn duty or something." Anya got more looks from the group, and then they all laid into her.

"She does NOT have to talk about it!"

"It's not her duty!"

"Why wouldn't she talk about it?!"

As the group argued in front of her, Buffy lowered her head and seemed to withdraw inside the coat. Spike thought she looked so small, that maybe the coat would swallow her whole. She looked like that's what she wanted too, he thought. After a few moments of the arguing, Spike got fed up. He stormed from the back of the group and stood in front of Buffy, his back to her. He addressed the group with a loud growl and his vamp face. They all jumped at the sound and sight and took two steps back in unison. Spike let his face change back to the chiseled human features before he turned to Buffy. Her eyes were wide, but softened when she saw he wasn't wearing his demonic face. He lowered his head a bit, like a shy schoolboy.

"What do you need right now, Buffy?" His voice was soft and calm, and sounded so good to her compared to the melee that she had just witnessed.

"I want to be alone, for a while." Buffy eyes were pleading for some peace.

"Right. You got it, luv." With that, Spike turned to the group and said, "You heard the lady. Everyone out!" He started toward the door himself when the arguing started again.

"We can't just leave her alone here!"

"She just got back from hell, I don't think she needs to be alone."

"We should stay with her. She needs to be bandaged and fed, she can't do that on her own. Look at her!"

With a groan, Spike shouted just enough to be heard, "She's fine. She wants to be alone, and you bloody lot are gonna let her."

Xander dismissed Spike with a shake of his head, "Buff, look, I know you want some time alone. But we just don't think it's a good idea. Why don't you pick someone. Just one of us. We'll stay here and stay out of your way. We'll just make sure you are ok and help if you need something. Won't say a word, just be here to help," now Xander's eyes were pleading with his friend.

Buffy sighed and nodded wearily. She continued looking at the ground when she said, "Spike. I want Spike to stay."

She couldn't see the hurt faces of her friends, or the mile wide smile that Spike wore. Xander argued.

"No, that's *so* not gonna happen. We're not going to let--" he stopped when Willow put her hand on his arm.

"Xander, you gave her a choice and she made it," Willow said, trying to hide the hurt in her voice.

"Guys, it's not that I don't love you all. It's just..." Buffy couldn't finish. She didn't really have a good excuse for not wanting her friends around her and wanting her once-mortal enemy instead.

"No, it's ok, Buffy. I know, we're kinda overwhelming at the moment. We're just so excited you're back. You should definitely be with someone less...expressive and s-stimulating..." Tara tried to make it sound nice, as she threw a smile in Spike's direction. Spike laughed to himself at Tara's unintentional joke. Stimulating, he thought. No, he could definitely be stimulating, but now was neither the time nor place for stimulation. Buffy needed peaceful, sedate silence. He could give her that, even though he was brimming with just as many questions as the others. He would reserve them all until she was ready.

The fight had left Xander and he hung his head in resignation as he headed out the door. He stopped in front of Spike. "Spike.....if you so much as...I swear, you better not touch one hair on her head or I'll....."

"It's fine, Xander. Spike knows the wrath of us if he's not a perfect gentleman with Buffy." Willow tried to be the voice of reason, but she still had some residual hurt happening. Her best friend didn't want to be around her. Willow had saved Buffy from torturous whatever, and Buffy chose to be with...Spike, of all people. Well, not people...

They all made their way out the door, promising to be there at the drop of a hat if Buffy needed them. They all wanted to venture a hug, but she was obviously still closed off to contact. Spike stood facing the door after they all had left. He wasn't sure what to say or do.

"You don't have to stay. I just needed some peace and quiet, and none of them could give it to me. But really, I'm fine. You don't have to babysit me." Spike turned to Buffy while she spoke.

"Um...I know you'd rather I leave, but well...they had a point. And I think I'd be facing a dusty morning if I didn't stay. But I'm just going to hang out on the porch. You give me a shout if you need anything." Spike turned to go but Buffy stopped him.

"Spike, if you're going to stay, then stay. I thought you were done lurking outside my house." Buffy gave him a weak smile, that more closely resembled a smile than her previous attempts.

Spike had to smile too. "Ok, then. And I *am* done lurking about. Maybe." Spike grinned at Buffy and she smiled a bit wider, but her smiles still looked so sad. It was her eyes, Spike thought. All the fire is gone. Not my Slayer, this one. Whoever they brought back, she's not my Slayer. My Slayer would have me outside on my ass in seconds flat. But this...little girl, she's tolerating my presence and wrapped in my coat and not making snide remarks about anything. But Spike pushed these thoughts away, because she asked him to stay. He took a tentative step towards the sofa and sat down. Buffy was standing by the fireplace, staring at the cold logs. Suddenly she became aware of herself.

"Um, I think I need to...get dressed. And probably a shower would be good."

"Yeah, I bet that would do you a world of good, luv."

Buffy nodded and started toward the stairs. "You're going to stay, right? I mean, you don't have to, but...you'll be here when I'm done?" Buffy had a look that was a mixture of hope and confusion.

"Of course. You know me, you'll have to kick me out." Spike smiled reassuringly at her. Buffy smiled a little and nodded again.

She started up the stairs. Two stairs up, she got light-headed and stopped. "Um, Spike? Can you give me a hand here? I'm the Chosen One and even come back from the dead, and all of a sudden stairs are a problem for me."

Spike was taken aback for a moment. She was joking...about being dead. It seemed so Buffy-like, but at that moment it just struck him as odd. He was quickly at her side, and she grabbed his offered hand. He didn't make a move to touch her unbidden. He let her hold onto him and lean on him as much as she needed. She didn't need much, but he could tell she was getting dizzy as they mounted the steps. She held the coat closed with one hand and held onto Spike with the other. By the time the reached the top, she was swaying. Spike decided to drop his gentleman act and put his arm around her back and held onto her waist, to keep her from falling. She was too woozy to notice.

"Slayer? Buffy? You ok, luv? You're looking a might ill." At that word, Buffy threw up. Of course, nothing came out, because there was nothing *to* come out. So she stood hunched over in the hall, dry heaving. Spike was thoroughly confused, and more than just a little worried. The coat fell open, but since Buffy was leaning over, nothing was revealed. Spike silently cursed that fact, then cursed himself for thinking it.

"Um, Slayer, as much as I'd just love for you to heave on my shoes, maybe you should lie down." Spike tried to guide her into her bedroom, but she wouldn't budge. As soon as she stopped making gagging sounds, her body started convulsing with laughter. Spike stared at her, bewildered. But then her laughter turned into something else. Crying, no, sobbing. She crumbled to the floor onto her knees. She regained control of the coat, wrapping it around herself and then she gathered the excess in her hands. Then she buried her face into the leather and sobbed. Spike just knelt beside her. For a long time, he didn't know what to do. He just wished he could make her stop crying, because it tore at him to see this. And he felt guilty, because at the same time, his dead heart was soaring at her proximity, that she was here with him, alive. He reached out and put his hand on her shoulder, patting her gently.

"Buffy, luv, it will..." What? Be alright? Will it? Spike wondered if he should even say anything. "Come on now, to bed with you. Washing can wait til tomorrow."

**

*Poem by Thomas Hardy **Poem by William Blake

Buffy stopped crying long enough to look up at him. "No, I'm fine. I should shower. I'm filthy." She stood up on her own and made her way slowly to the bathroom. She opened the door and then turned again toward the hall. "Oh, I need some clean clothes." She started towards her bedroom.

For a moment, Spike thought that it would be just fine if the only thing she ever wore again was that leather duster, but he shook that off as he intercepted her. "Here now, you go take a nice, hot bath. I'll get you some clothes. All those hours of rummaging in your room last year will finally pay off," Spike said with a little smile.

Buffy just looked at him with an accepting expression, "Oh, ok." She went into the bathroom and turned on the water.

After Spike had picked out some comfortable clothes, he headed to the bathroom. He paused at the slightly opened door. He heard Buffy talking.

"God...what happened to *me*? Oww...geez. Everything hurts..." Buffy trailed off as Spike knocked lightly on the door.

"Um, Buffy? I have some clothes for you." Spike stuck his arm in the door opening and handed over the clothes, mindful not to look. Not that he didn't want to, but it just felt very wrong right now. Buffy seemed to have all this new-found trust with Spike, he didn't want to do anything to mess it up.

"Thanks, Spike. Um, can you get me a towel?"

"Sure, pet. Be right back."

When Spike returned with the towel, he heard the water running. He reached in the door again.

"Um, can you just bring it in here? I can't reach."

Spike took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He opened the door slowly and tried to feel his way toward the bathtub. Buffy let out a tired chuckle.

"Spike, I don't have a lot of modesty right now. I think you already saw me in all my glory...ugh, remind me to remove that word from my vocabulary. Anyway, it's ok. I mean, don't stare at me or anything, but you don't have to be so...un-Spike like. Why aren't you jumping at the chance to ogle me? Granted, I don't feel very ogle-worthy right now..."

"Hey, I can be a gentleman if I want. And, you're always ogle-worthy." Spike still held his eyes shut tight. Then something struck him. A memory from his human life. "I don't deign to look upon my love, my eyes not worthy of her form. She is a golden gift from gods above, placed gently in our tempest storm."

"That's nice. Who wrote that? Is that Shakespeare?"

Spike let out a loud laugh, so loud that he startled Buffy. "No, not *that* William."

"*You* wrote that? Cool...I want to hear more." Buffy encouraged him eagerly. Spike still stood in the middle of the bathroom with his eyes shut tight. "Sit down, tell me some more poetry. Please." The 'please' broke him. He had fully intended to leave her to bath and sit outside in the hall like a good puppy. But her 'please' sounded so...well, pleading. So he sighed and sat down on the cold tile, his back against the bathtub.

"I'll recite some more poetry, but nothing of mine. Besides that one poem that got some small notice in my town newspaper, all the rest of my stuff was.....'bloody awful.'" He said the last bit with noticeable disdain. Buffy wondered what it meant, but pressed on.

"Come on, I want to hear more of your stuff. It can't be all *that* bad."

"Ha! It certainly can be, and it *is*. Besides, I don't remember any of the rest." Buffy knew he was lying, but she decided not to push him too much.

"Ok, then 'recite' me some other stuff." She busied herself washing as she could almost feel Spike's mind churning, trying to decide which works to lavish her with.

Spike listened the splashing water for a moment. Tried to mentally picture her in the water, because he did not dare to turn and look at her. He was snapped out of his thoughts when Buffy cried, "Ouch!" He instinctively turned to her to see what was wrong, but then immediately looked up at the ceiling.

"What? What is it, love?"

Buffy bit her lip and sighed, "It's just...all these...my body hurts and I don't know why. All these cuts and bruises, they feel so fresh, but I don't remember anything. Did I hit the ground or something? I don't remember much right before I saw you guys...I remember falling...into something. Did I hit the ground?"

"No, me. I mean, you fell into me. Whatever happened to you happened before you fell to us. You don't remember?" Spike was still not looking at her, but his gaze lowered to a spot on the shower wall just above her head.

"I remember...no, I don't know what happened to my body, but..." Buffy seemed very hesitant to continue.

"It's ok, love. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to."

"Will you tell me some poetry, Spike?" Spike smiled weakly, disappointed that she didn't want to talk about coming back, but still thrilled that she wanted him there while she bathed, reciting poetry to her like they were lovers. He turned around again and settled against the tub. He recited Wordsworth and Keats, a bit of Shakespeare, noting to her when he quoted him. It was while he quoted Hardy that he heard an imperceptible sigh and moan from Buffy.

-- * I need not go-- Through sleet and snow-- To where I know-- She waits for me;-- She will tarry me there-- 'Til I find it fair,-- And have time to spare-- From company.

When I've overgot-- The world somewhat,-- When things cost not-- Such stress and strain,-- Is soon enough-- By cypress sough-- To tell my Love-- I am come again.

And if some day,-- When one cries nay,-- I still delay-- To seek her side,-- (Though ample measure-- Of fitting leisure-- Await my pleasure)-- She will not chide.

What--not upbraid me-- That I delay'd me,-- Nor ask what stay'd me-- So long? Ah, no!-- New cares may claim me,-- New loves inflame me,-- She will not blame me,-- But suffer it so.

--

He silently wondered if it touched her as much as him, and he felt compelled to just look at her face. When he looked, she was sleeping. He smiled to himself and reached around to touch her face. "Buffy, love. Wake up now. Let's get you to bed, ok?" Buffy didn't stir except to roll her head into his cradling hand. "Um, Slayer? You really can't sleep in the tub. I don't think it's good for you." He gently tapped her face with the hand that held it.

She furrowed her brow and whimpered, "'S not a school day, Mom. Was patrolling late."

Spike closed his eyes and sighed, "Bugger." He stood up and looked around the bathroom, not certain of what to do. He knew he couldn't leave her to sleep there, and he certainly couldn't carry her to bed. Or could he? Why not? It was innocent enough. He wasn't taking advantage. And more importantly, there was no one there to argue with him. He picked up the towel he had brought in and took it to Buffy's bedroom. He laid it out on her bed. He returned to the bathroom and hoped silently that she wouldn't wake up while he was carrying her. He brought her into the bedroom and laid her gently on the towel. He stood and looked at her for a moment, uncertain of what the next step should be. Snapping out of the enjoyment of looking at her naked body, he realized she was still very wet. He went to get another towel.

When he returned, he noticed that she hadn't moved at all. He started methodically drying her body, cursing his growing arousal that felt very inappropriate just then. He tried to imagine that it was just a task, something he had to get done as quickly as possible. But it was very hard to keep his gaze from lingering over her firm breasts and tight stomach. Consequently, the towel lingered over those parts too. But then, all of a sudden, like he had never noticed before, he saw all of her markings. Scars, fresh cuts, bruises, all the wounds she had complained about earlier. Drying her legs only brought more injuries to light. Gashes on her thighs that were not bleeding, but appeared fresh, nonetheless. Spike decided he'd better dress her wounds before he dressed her body.

He went to the bathroom to retrieve some first aid supplies, as well as Buffy's clean clothes and his duster. He dumped the garments on the bed next to her stilled form, and began working with the supplies. He decided to treat the injuries on her torso first, so he could stop looking at her beautiful breasts and focus. He was rock hard by now, but kept trying to put thoughts out of his mind of a Buffy on Spike variety. Buffy awoke when he was finishing treating a particularly nasty cut on her ribs. She sat bolt upright and glared at Spike. "Easy there, I'm just--" Spike stopped when he saw her eyes filled with anger. "Look, I know this looks bad, but you were out cold and I just thought..."

While Spike searched for a reason he shouldn't be a big pile of dust right now, Buffy's eyes softened and she whispered, "It's ok. I was just...scared. I didn't know...I mean, go ahead. Finish whatever you're doing." She laid back on the bed slowly. Spike nodded his head and quickly finished with her torso. He picked up the shirt he had gotten for her and she sat up again. She took it from him and he felt the need to avert his eyes while she put it on. He laughed at himself for doing this, as he had just had his hands and eyes all over her body. Buffy also took the opportunity to put on some underwear.

Spike continued to treat the wounds on her legs. When he was done, he helped her slip on some sweatpants. He then tended to her face, which consisted of a slightly swollen eye, a split lower lip, and a large cut on her cheek. She sat mutely while he worked, never looking at him. When he finished, she reached up and held his hand to her face, almost absently. "They brought me back, didn't they?" She was staring off into the darkness of her room.

"Yeah, they did." Spike pursed his lips, wondering where this line was going.

"Why? Why did you bring me back?"

"Well, I wish I could say I helped, but it was really just the Scoobies. Left me pretty much out of the loop, as always. But as for the why...well, I imagine because they love you, pet. Missed you. We all missed you." Spike spoke softly, trying to look into her averted eyes.

"Oh...is that all? I figured...I don't know. I guess I figured they brought me back because of some big bad that only I could fight. I could understand that. But love? They brought me back because they love me? I don't want any part of that kind of love." Buffy laid back on the bed and turned her back to Spike.

"Pet, what do you mean? They didn't want you to suffer in some hell with Glory." Spike looked frantic and confused again.

Buffy turned and looked at him incredulously. "Hell? They thought I was in hell?"

Spike took a look over her body and injuries and said, "Well, yeah. You don't get these wounds skipping across the golden streets of heaven, love."

Buffy glared at him so hard that he had to step back a bit. "Wherever I was, I wasn't with Glory or in hell. I was...good. I was..it was all so good and nice and calm. I don't even have words to describe it. It's like my senses weren't really experiencing it, but my mind was. I just remember softness and calm. I felt like...like I was somewhere dark, but not scary. Not dark, even...like soft candlelight was all around me, except there wasn't one point of light, it was just a glow...I can't.....I don't know. It wasn't bright and hard like everything here is. I couldn't feel anything except contentment. I don't know what happened to my body, but I wasn't with it. I was...happy. I haven't been happy in so long. Why would they take that from me? They were so selfish that I couldn't be happy for a while?"

She was sobbing now and Spike wanted to hold her. But it didn't feel right. He felt like one of the gang who had brought her back. He felt a twinge of guilt that he was still so happy she was here, even though it was causing her so much pain. He silently removed the wet towel from beneath her and tossed it to the floor. She laid back down on the bed and reached for Spike's duster. She laid it across her body and curled up underneath it. Spike watched her for a moment as she softly sobbed herself to sleep. Then he gave her one last recitation.

-- **

Sleep, sleep, beauty bright,-- Dreaming in the joys of night;-- Sleep, sleep; in thy sleep-- Little sorrows sit and weep

As thy softest limbs I feel,-- Smiles as of the morning steal-- O'er thy cheek, and o'er thy breast-- Where thy little heart doth rest.

O the cunning wiles that creep-- In thy little heart asleep!-- When thy little heart doth wake,-- Then the dreadful night shall break

--

Spike slipped out of her room and closed the door softly. He resigned himself to keeping guard outside her door, lest she wake and need something, anything of him. He sat beside her door and leaned on the wall. He took a deep breath and it came out shakily. Before he could convince himself to stay strong, he was weeping into his hands. For joy, for pain, for every emotion he had ever known. They were all upon him now, and it was ok, because there was no one around to see the master vampire cry for his slayer.

**

Buffy woke just as the sunbeams were making their way across her bed. She sighed deeply, awash with confused feelings as reality crept in. She shifted a bit under the duster, pulling it tighter around her. Just then she remembered Spike. She sat up quickly, looking around the room as if she thought he would be there. She got out of bed gingerly, feeling her injuries anew. Without thinking, she slipped on the leather coat.

Walking toward her door, she could sense someone near. She opened the door to find Spike sleeping in front of her door. He was curled toward the opening, one hand under his head and one between his legs. Buffy couldn't help but smile just then. He looked so...angelic. Her face fell as she studied him sleeping. He had given up a more comfortable couch to be close to her. She could tell he still loved her, and that made her inexplicably sad. She wasn't exactly sure why, but she found that she couldn't deal with the idea of him loving her. She remembered accepting it before she died, but now, it seemed inconceivable. 'Why does he love me? What is he feeling? Well, love, of course. Just like I felt for Angel.' Except, Buffy was having a very hard time recalling those feelings. She thought about Angel and had very warm feelings for him. She missed him a little. But she couldn't quite call up love.

Then she thought of Willow and Xander, her two best friends since she moved to Sunnydale. But the softer emotion there was gone too. She felt very bitter when she thought about them, but the rational side of her said she shouldn't be. Giles...definite father feeling there--and the good kind, not like her real father. And then Buffy thought about her mother. She felt very sad at the memory, but even sadder at the fact that she couldn't remember the feeling of loving her mother. Of course she had loved her mother, but why couldn't she remember what that was like? She was so confused, but then she gave a sad little chuckle at the fact that she hadn't even thought about Riley when trying to recall love.

She looked down at Spike again, so sweet looking. Not a trace of that famous smirk he often wore. The only thing she felt with him was an appreciation for how he was with her. He wasn't pressing or urgent, didn't ask so many questions that her head spin. And most of all, he was accepting of what she needed. And he was quiet. God, the others with their loud voices and questions. Buffy looked away, lost in thought. After such a confusing event as coming back from the beyond, she just needed some peace. She wanted to be alone, but if she couldn't, she'd rather be with someone unobtrusive. She had poured out so much on him the night before, but he hadn't pushed, hadn't asked. He was just there, to hear her. Something about the simplicity of his presence made her smile.

When she looked back down at Spike, he was looking at her with sleepy eyes. They looked at each other for a long moment and then some kind of realization hit Spike and he jumped up quickly. He looked around nervously for a moment before speaking. "You ok? Need anything? I can, I can go get you some food if you want. I don't know how to cook, but there might be some cookies or...something.....um," Spike stopped when he noticed Buffy looking strangely at him. "What?"

Buffy smiled again and placed her hand on Spike's arm. "Nothing. I don't need anything Spike. I was just imagining you trying to cook anything but blood in a microwave. And really, not in the mood for blood."

"Oh, well...why are you up? You need some more rest, Slayer. Fall from heaven's gotta be tiring." Spike looked down at the floor, mentally kicking himself.

"About that...please don't tell the others. It won't do any good for them to know about where I was." Spike looked up at her again, and nodded.

"I know I shouldn't have told you, but well...you were there. And I, I don't know. Hey, look at it this way, you get to share the secret but none of the guilt!" She gave a weak smile.

Spike looked at her incredulously. "Are you joking? None of the guilt? I'm the reason you died in the first place! I failed you miserably up on that tower, and now you tell me I don't have any guilt? Do you have the slightest clue how I've felt this entire time you were gone? And *now* I have a whole new level of guilt because I'm thrilled beyond description that you're back, but you're miserable to be here. Because I could die happy now that I've seen your face again, and you just want to die." Spike was pacing the hall. So much for quiet Spike. But even in his seething, he wasn't overwhelming for Buffy. She limped over to him and put both her hands on his upper arms to stop him in mid pace. She looked him directly in the eyes.

"Spike, you have *nothing* to feel guilty about. Up on that tower...you did everything you possibly could. It's not your fault. I think maybe it was meant to be. This.....this coming back. I don't know what this is, but it feels like anything but natural or fate. But, that's not the point. The point is, *you* didn't have anything to do with bringing me back. And you didn't have anything to do with me leaving either. So don't even think you're going to start moping around me now. I'd hate to have to start calling you 'Angel'." Spike bristled at this, but Buffy just gave him a little smile. She let his arms go and stepped back from him. She tilted her head and looked at him quizzically.

"What was it like? For you, I mean, since I've been gone?" Spike shrugged his shoulders and looked away from her, brow furrowed.

"Fair to say you haven't enjoyed my time away as much as I did?"

Spike looked at her blankly. "We all missed you, ya know. Especially Red and the boy. They love you. *I*...(sigh) Look, just because you're not telling them where you were doesn't mean you can joke about it with me. How can I think it's funny that you're so unhappy here? That you would rather be dead than be with...the people who love you. And I understand that, I do. We lot here can't compete with the host of heaven, I'm sure. But, Buffy...I don't...I don't know what you need to hear." Spike looked away from her and his shoulders slumped in defeat.

Buffy lowered her head and quietly murmured, "Neither do I."

Spike sighed and finally spoke. "Look, your mates will be here soon, I'm sure. So I'm just going to go downstairs and wait for them. You sure you don't need anything?"

"No, I'm good. Well, I'm actually starving, but I don't think cookies will cut it. I'll just wait til the gang gets here. Tara can make me some pancakes. I'm sure they'll all be bustling to help." The last line came out little more bitter than Buffy had meant it.

"Look, they just...care. They're all so happy that they were able to 'rescue' you and bring you back to us. If the ruckus gets too much, I'm sure you can just tell them what they really rescued you from and I don't think you'll hear another peep out of 'em." Spike sighed again, upset that he was sounding so angry with Buffy. "They're good people, ya know. They could have all easily up and left Sunnydale, but they stayed and fought. They don't have super strength like you and I. The witches powers only go so far in fighting. And Xander.....well, you know. Boy wields a battle ax like a little girl. My point is, they thought they were doing a good thing. Because that's what you Scoobies do, good things. They didn't know. And if you're not going to tell them to spare their feelings, then don't act pissy with them over it--that will just hurt them more because they won't know why."

Buffy bristled a bit at being told how to act around her friends, especially by Spike. She couldn't argue with his logic, but she wasn't about to tell him he was right. She had to stop herself from smiling because she was getting a very familiar feeling of agitation regarding Spike. It was the only really familiar feeling she had since she returned. She just avoided his look and said, "I'm going to take another hot bath. Got some aches....."

"Right then. You need me, I'll be downstairs." Spike headed for the stairs. Buffy went and drew a bath.

Buffy took off the duster and laid it on the counter. She thought absently that she should give it back to Spike sometime. Slowly, she took off her various bandages and slipped into the hot water. The sting of her injuries subdued and gave way to the relaxation that her muscles felt from the hot water.

Spike sat on the stairs and played with a cigarette between his fingers. "Stupid git. Had no business talkin' to her like that. She's just come back from the beyond and you lecture her on how to act? She can act any bloody way she wants. She's earned that ten times over. And she doesn't need lessons in civility from a vampire. And why the hell do I care what the Scoobies feel anyway? Buncha wankers.." Spike sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He was still lost in thought when the front door opened slowly. Willow peeked in quietly to make sure she wasn't disturbing anyone. When she only saw Spike, she opened the door fully and she and Tara walked in.

"Hey, Spike. Everything ok? Buffy doing...alright?" Spike snapped his head up when he realized someone was speaking to him.

"Yeah, she's.....as ok as she can be. She's taking a bath. She's famished, was hoping maybe you could make her something. Pancakes, I think she said. So, you got everything covered here, I'm gonna split." Spike moved past the two girls to the living room where he grabbed a blanket from the couch. "Just borrowin'," he said as he walked toward the door. He stopped and looked back at Willow. "Go easy, ok? She needs rest. Peace and quiet. Keep the boy from fawning all over her. I think she just wants to be left alone...for a bit."

Willow's face flashed some hurt, but she just nodded and said, "We'll take care of her." At that, Spike pulled the blanket over himself and opened the door. He ran off in a smoking hurry.

**

Chapter 6:

By the time Buffy had redressed the wounds that still needed it and put on some clothes, she smelled breakfast from downstairs. She smiled at the memory of many Sunday mornings when the gang would come over and Joyce would make them all breakfast. Then she got sad again, remembering that her mother was gone. And then she remembered that she was missing something--the feelings she had in those days. She missed her mother so much, but it was almost like there was a wall up when she thought of her. The wall stopped just beyond the missing. She felt like if she could break that wall, all the emotions she couldn't feel would flood in. Buffy's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her friends arguing downstairs. She sighed and slipped on the duster before heading down to see what the fuss was.

She paused at the top of the stairs and wondered why she kept wearing the duster. She took it off and decided to give it back to Spike, who was probably the cause of the arguing downstairs. As she descended the stairs, she heard the topic, or rather topics. They were trying to decide if it was ok to ask her about where she'd been, what they needed to do to help her adjust, what kind of food she'd like, how they should spend the day with her, etc. Buffy was very near heading back up when Xander walked into the living room and saw her on the stairs.

"Buffy! Hey, guys, Buffy's down!" At that, the rest flooded into the foyer and just stared at her. Buffy smiled and walked down among them.

"Hi, guys. Long time, no see!" Without warning, her friends were upon her, hugging her. They were all telling her how happy they were, how much they missed her, how much she was needed. Buffy just closed her eyes and accepted the crush of friends. But soon, it was too much.

"Uh, guys. I missed you all too, but this is starting to, um..hurt." They all immediately released her and just stood there with goofy grins on their faces. Buffy smiled back, unsure of what to do next.

"So, where's Spike? I wanted to give him his coat back."

"Oh, he left as soon as we got here. He borrowed a blanket, but I figured that was ok. Did everything go alright last night? I mean, was he...good? He didn't bother you too much, did he?" Willow was trying to look serious, but the huge smile on her face negated the concerned words.

"No, he was fine. He was...nice." Buffy tried to hide her look of disappointment. She internally wondered why she was so disappointed anyway, but she was pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that she was also trying to hide her look of disdain for her friends. She tossed the duster onto the stair banister and sighed. "Um, do I smell breakfast?!" With that, Buffy was ushered into the kitchen for a feast.

Spike laid on his bed, remembering how Buffy's skin felt beneath his fingers. He remembered how she just laid there, letting him touch her, dress her wounds. Something she'd never have done before. Before. Before she was gone. Before he was alone. He'd been alone previous to her leaving, but she was always there. There to annoy. There to argue with. There to love from afar. He'd gained her trust after Glory almost killed him. But now, he felt closer to her. Closer than just being a trusted friend. Last night he felt so close to her. He felt like a loved one. Except...her eyes. There was nothing in her eyes except for a cold sadness. The few times she smiled, there was just a slight spark of the old Buffy. But mostly just the sadness. He knew there must be something off if she let him so close. Let him be where she didn't want her friends to be. But Spike tried to push that out of his head. He knew he'd never get so close to her again. He knew that it wouldn't take much time at all for her to return to her old self again, surrounded by the Scoobies. She'd let them in and shut him out, again. So he clung to the memory of the previous night, wishing he could just live there forever. Soon, he was asleep, dreaming of her. Always her.

After a couple hours of skirting the issue with small talk, catching up and a little bit of reminiscing, Xander cut to the chase.

"Look, Buff, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but we're all curious about what happened after you...disappeared. So if you don't want us to bring it up again, just tell us now so we can just get it out of the way." All eyes were on her as she thought of her answer.

"I, uh...I hate to disappoint you guys, but I really don't remember. Last thing I do remember is jumping into the portal. After that, it's a big blank. And then, of course, clobbering Spike by the tower. But the between...nada. Probably for the best, really." Buffy did her best to sound convincing. It was a believable lie, she reasoned.

"Yeah, it really probably is." Willow looked a little sad, perhaps at never knowing exactly what they'd rescued her from. But her sadness was cut short by the big smile that returned to her face. "It's just...it's just so great to have you back, Buffy. I don't think we can tell you how much you were missed."

Buffy smiled at Willow, but inside she was so conflicted. Obviously her friends only meant to help. But still...it was them. They took her out of her nirvana. Brought her back to fight and be strong again. To be their leader. Buffy didn't feel strong, and certainly didn't feel like fighting and killing again. She didn't think she was in any shape to lead anyone. She just wanted to melt back into that place of peace and contentment. Where no one looked to her for answers or expected her to be violent and harsh. Where she could just *be*. Anya interrupted her thoughts.

"Well, I've taken a half day off from the shop already. If everything is good here, I'll just be getting back. I mean, we're all glad to have Buffy back, but it's no reason to stop making money!" Anya chirped.

"Uh, I kinda need to be going too. Told the crew I'd be a few hours late. I need to be getting back. Make sure they haven't built a nightclub at the church site!" Xander tried to be cheerful.

Buffy smiled at them. "Yeah, you guys go. I'm good here. I think I'm going to take a nap. Will, Tara, you guys don't have to stay. I mean, unless...Xander said something about you guys staying here sometimes. If you were, ya know, living here...you're more than welcome to stay."

"Oh, no, we weren't *living* here. We were just staying here a night or two a week. To make sure everything was all good. Make sure the pipes weren't leaking or people didn't break in. Just making sure everything was ok for when we brought you back." Willow beamed, then her face clouded. "We're really sorry we couldn't do it sooner. It took us all that time just gathering supplies. It was a very intricate spell. I didn't know if we'd pull it off. But that stuff doesn't matter, because we did and you're here!" Willow gave Buffy a big hug. Buffy hugged her back, trying to seem joyous too. Tara came in behind Willow and gave Buffy a gentle squeeze.

"M-maybe we should be going too, Willow. Buffy's probably had enough excitement for one..ever." Tara gave Buffy a little smile. Buffy nodded at her.

"Yeah, ok. But if you need anything, Buffy, anything at all, you just call us, ok? Um, do you want us to come over for dinner? We can order in some Chinese. You still like Chinese, right?"

"Yeah, I still like Chinese, but that breakfast really filled me up. I can't even think about food. Why don't I call you later, and let you know what the hunger situation is then, ok?" Buffy mustered a yawn to help them get the message.

"Oh, ok. Sure. Let us know. Well, you get some rest. And remember, if you need anything---"

"I'll call. Don't worry, guys. I know it's all been very strange, but I really think I'm ok. I just need some time to acclimatize. Wow, didn't know I knew that word!" With that, Buffy's friends gave her goodbye hugs and shuffled out the door. Buffy was left in silence, and she gave a little thanks to who or whatever was responsible for such a wonderful sound. She made her way up to her room and fell quickly asleep, the weight of the past two days crushing her into a slumber.

**

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