Chapter Four: These Are My Reasons The Truth Is Never Filled

Buffy gazed up at the ceiling as she lay awake on the bed under the warm duvet and the blue crisp cotton sheets, she was savouring the moment, the sensation of being comfortable of being hot instead of freezing, and of not having hunger pains. Buffy was smiling to herself, she was content for once, maybe only for this one night but she didn't have to worry about being moved on by the police, or of being attacked by a stranger, she was safe in his flat, she was happy because of his request for her to stay, she couldn't imagine a moment that could ever match this.

He had gone to bed but told her she could have something to eat, told her where to find spare blankets and sheets and said she should treat this place like this was her home //my home, I wish, why did he want me to stay, it has to be more than worrying about me walking home by myself, because surely he could've just phoned for a taxi?// She truly didn't know why he had almost begged her to take his offer, she reasoned it down to maybe a form of concussion from well he fell or //because his so lonely and his hurting but he doesn't want his true friends to know//

Her mood began to gradually darken, she was getting the impression that William only talked to her, told her he felt bullshit happened to him and that he was depressed, he only opened up to her because he wouldn't have to met her again, he wouldn't have to face up to their consequences of being truthful to someone. //Fuck he won't want me here when he wakes, he will feel all embarrassed and shameful for getting himself upset and I will be a reminder of that, of his crappy night// she cursed to herself and rolled over on her side, staring at the digital clock that blinked back at her, it was 8am she could get up now before he stirred and leave. Buffy felt like it was the morning after the night before, that she had slept with him and now he would want her to go, she knew that she had no evidence that he wouldn't want to see her again but she didn't want to take the risk of getting into an argument, that would ruined the perfection of last night when she had taken his hands in hers and //he entwined our fingers// she could feel herself getting flustered at just the memory.

"William" she spoke softly "I wish we could be friends". Buffy took a deep breath and threw the covers back, thinking about a friendship or relationship that was never going to work wouldn't do her any good, she had also decided against going for the job //I can't force myself into William's life, it isn't fair on him and it will get me nowhere, Tim was right why try to better myself? // She heaved herself out of the bed, her bare feet touching the plush carpet, as she stared at the floor, and upwards to the full-length mirror that resided on the wardrobe door.

She saw her reflection staring back at her, like it taunting her, she was dressed in a old faded Buzzcocks t-shirt that William had said she could borrow, the lettering was peeling off but she could still read what it said 'Ever Fallen In Love With [Someone You Shouldn't Have]'

"How fucking appropriate" she hissed running her fingers through her tangled hair //first Angel now William, I shouldn't been allowed to fall in love, it will never work out//. She felt disgusted at herself for how she looked, how the last few years had aged her considerably, wrinkles she swore she was getting wrinkles at the tender age of 22 //next thing I turn grey//. She lifted the right sleeve of his t-shirt that she had worn in bed, that she had brought close to her face to smell, to try and catch a small sniff of his fragrance, of who he was, but she had failed because all it had smelt like was washing powder. Now she stared at her upper arms, where her minimal muscles resided and where she had scarred her skin, inked it with a word those years ago, when she had been 17, when she had been in love, in a clichéd Romeo and Juliet sort of way, with his name 'Angel', no fancy lettering, no tacky heart, just etched in simple black 'Angel'. She ran her finger across it and sighed, last night she had thought he had been watching over her, staying true to his name, but she brushed away that notion now, if he was looking after her from above he would've made her life easier, he would've let her have William, she knew it, he wouldn't have wanted her to let him forever linger in her heart, if she asked Angel, if she prayed for one wish it would be for William to kiss her, to touch her in a way she hadn’t felt for four years and she knew if Angel could he would grant it for her.

Angel that one word tattooed across her arm had been the attention of many questions from people over the years. Her mom had questioned, whilst shouting and looking at Buffy in her 'I love you but I'm so disappointed look', she had said 'Do you think Buffy that he will be there by your side forever, your just kids, it will end and all you will have is this ridiculous tattoo'. The man in question himself had ran his fingers across it and smiled 'Shall I get one too, Buffy Anne Summers?' had been his response to her decision to get it. Over the years in prison, cell-mates and other acquaintances had also asked her what it meant, it pained her too much then to tell them who he was and she said it was nothing, a stupid bet, a foolish idea. One woman, who had taken a dislike to Buffy had mocked her over it for months 'Do you think your such an innocent angel girl, your nothing like the rest of us, your not pure and perfect, your middle class family won't care about you, your tainted like we all are'

'I am nothing' had become Buffy's motto, she tried to hide away in prison, keep herself out of trouble, fade into the cold brickwork and for most of her time it had work and now, now in this small welsh seaside town she did the same, until, until she met him. If it wasn't for William she would've faded away, she would be part of the scenery, a nobody and maybe she still was but if she was nothing, if she was nobody she did have a purpose and that was him, that was seeing William, that was wanting to talk to him and up until this morning her reason for living was to find a way of being closer to the man. But her idea had disappeared, she still gazed into the mirror and stood up slowly "If he could see me would it make any difference?" She wondered as she walked across the room and found the towels she had taken from the wardrobes the night before, he had offered her a chance to have a shower and much like his offer of a place to stay and food to eat Buffy decided she would take last opportunity of cleansing away what she had become.

//If he knew what I looked like would he consider me beautiful, would that make up for what I am, what I've done in my past, what I have become, homeless, alone, empty// she picked the soft towels up and opened the door quietly, she didn't want to wake him or his dog and as she sauntered down across the living room into the bathroom she caught Strummer in her eyesight, greeting her briefly before she hid away from him in the bathroom, not because she was scared but she didn't want to grow some kind of attachment to the animal, it would only serve to make her soon to be distance from William harder. How she was going to stop herself from following him around like the hopeless loser she was she didn't know, it wasn't like she would be able to avoid him easily, in small towns you always bumped into people and even if he wouldn't be able to catch her in the corner of her eye, she would always been able to see him and she wouldn't be able to walk away easily, even if all they had was one night of supposed friendship.

She pulled his t-shirt over the top of her head and stepped into the shower, she didn't really pay much attention to the little things that had be altered in the room because of his disability, like those lights that turned on if you clapped, all she was focussed on was getting clean, off enjoying the hot warm lash across her body, she washed her hair with the shampoo she had found by the sink, she doused herself in his shower gel, she wanted to smell like he did, so she could forever relieve her interaction with him. it was more than loving him that pained Buffy it was the fact that when it came down to it, she couldn't even have a friendship, this was some fairytale in which the blind man befriends the fallen princess and they slowly fall in love, only for him to regain his sight at the end and they marry on the sandy beach, ending with a dance at the end in which she looks up to the sky and sees her guardian angel watching over

"That's all bullshit" Buffy spat resting her head on wet tiles, the watering cascading down her back, her weary back that never had a chance to rest on a mattress for months, until last night, until he said 'do you want to stay the night?'. //I've should've told him the truth when he asked if I had a life, friends, I was so close to saying no, my mother, my sister are ashamed of me, my boyfriend, the man I stole for, I stayed out all night for, his dead, I should've said to him I spent three years away in jail, I don’t attend university because I don’t have the brains, I blew my brain cells away with drink and pot and love, I did it all for love and I'm doing this now for love, I'm looking after you, I'm getting you to tell me how sad you are, I making you confess because I love you because it could just, might just, maybe bring you closer to me. Then when he had asked me to stay, then I would've known it was because he truly meant it, that he liked me, maybe even loved me, because he would've known everything about me, my sordid life, I am nothing and William should know that before he makes such kind offers of a place to stay, of food to eat, of clothes to wear, of a chance of friendship//

She abruptly turned the shower off and threw the glass door open in anger. This was it her violent, pissed off side that showed itself on regular occasions, she was feeling like this not because of William because no matter how much she was convinced he had used her as he therapist last night and wouldn't want her the next day, she still knew he was gentle and kind and that she could never hate him. No she grabbed the towels of the radiator, dried herself off quickly, slammed her palms on the mirror and stared at herself, gritting her teeth in such disdain because she couldn't help but blame herself for everything. Whatever she had mumbled to herself, to her made up Angel, she was to blame, she did deserves this.

//I begged him to take me out that night, he wanted to stay in, he wanted to have sex but I didn't want to, I wanted to steal a car, have a joke because I thought he had cheated on me, when he hadn't, I was trying to get my own back, on something he didn’t even do, it was my fault we broke into that shop, my fault the police came, everything was because of me, I killed him, I killed Angel and now what I expect someone to love me back, I expect someone as kind as wonderful as William to tell me I'm okay, I'm not a bad person, I'm fine, I'm normal, I deserve forgiveness, I don't, I deserve nothing, nothing, William deserves everything, Angel deserves life, my mother deserves a daughter who could make her proud and Dawnie, she deserves a older sister she can look up to instead of down at//


She glowered at herself before running a towel over her hair and then picking everything up, she forced herself to calm down //he can not wake up, he doesn't deserve to have me in his presence, he is too good for me, he is everything I should be, we're both sad clowns but he can get over that, he has friends, he has things to live for, his blind but he can see beauty, remember it, I can't, all I see when I think of beauty is him and I can never have him and I shouldn't even be allowed to think off him// she made it to the spare room and swiftly changed back into her old clothes, she wanted to breakdown and cry, she wanted to pick something up and throw it across the room, smash it into little pieces because she hated what she was, she despised her stupid, foolish dreamland self for overtaking her mind and actions so much, for making her think, actually believe she had a chance with him. She had to repress her desires, her dreams, she had to fade away once again and never let herself be in his company again. She pulled manically at the blue sheets.

“They stink of me, of my life” she grimaced as she gathered them up in a bundle along with his Buzzcocks t-shirt that taunted her 'Ever fallen in love [with someone you shouldn't]', she placed her bag on her shoulders and went into the kitchen, she could do this quickly then run //I won't ever see him again//, she opened the washing machine up, stuffed the sheets, clothes and towels in and rummaged through nearby cupboards for washing powder. She found what she needed and switched everything on. The machine clicked into motion and began its loud spinning, she jumped to her feet, grabbed an apple she saw by the fridge and rushed out of the flat, slamming the door behind herself.

"Even if he wakes now, he will never catch me in time" she muttered bitterly and miserably //I really want him to run after me, beg for me to stay, ask me to let him caress my body with those pale fingers of his but// she also knew it wasn't fair on him, she was lying, he could only truly love her if he knew the truth, he if could accept her for what she was then she would be able to face him again but as she was never going to tell him the truth, her reasoning would never come true. She quickened her pace down the stairs, eating the apple she had stolen, she did feel guilty at exploiting his hospitality but then again she had lied to him, one stolen piece of fruit would hardly make what she was even worse. Buffy was planning on hiding away forever, she would do everything she could to make sure she never intervened with his existence again.

TBC>>>

Chapter Five: Now she's gone love burns inside me

The sound of the door slamming loudly had alerted William to the fact that something was wrong. He had been in a deep sleep when it had caused him to open his eyes suddenly. It was out of habit that he did this of course, because he couldn't see anything other than that fuzzy blackness that he wish he could shake off like a bout of flu but he knew despite what people reassured him, he would never regain his sight. He was still disoriented from his dreaming and decided he must have imagined the door shutting because as far as he was aware he was alone in his flat, as he always was.

"Unless Strummer has gone and taken himself for a walk" he joked mumbling into his pillow as he turned on his side again and attempted to fall straight back to the wonders of sleep. He could vaguely remember what he had been dreaming; it didn't seem to make sense at all. That girl he met yesterday, Buffy he had dreamt she had come round to visit him and that he had asked her to stay and to William it seemed very real, especially the part when she had taken his hand in hers.

//I must be losing it, she wouldn't have come round, I don't even know her, right? I'm sure I met her again, I swear, fuck it, I need to go back to sleep, I need to stop being a bloody stupid pillock// he conceded.

Still the realisation of the night before hadn't sunk in, dreams after all are often merged with memory, and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. This was especially the case with William, his life had changed so much since his accident, the blindness, the claustrophobia, the depression and the inability to determine what was real, what was make believe also hindered him. Sometimes he dreamt of seeing her again, of the woman who had left him in pain, who had caused his suffering and she looked beautiful and she told him how sorry she was and she held him in her arms, playing lightly with his hair. In these dreams he wasn't blind, in this perfect world he could see her smile, so wicked and full of mischief at times, when he used to wake from these images of her seducing him, of her fingers running over his lithe naked body, for the first few minutes he deluded himself into thinking they were real. He became loathed to open his eyes because he knew deep down when he did he would see nothing.

So these dreams that merged past memories, with wild fantasies and a hint of reality, he endured them almost every night, the one about Buffy telling him she understood why he felt so lonely, that he was this big charade and she knew what it was like to live like that, William he was still convince it didn't happen. It was only the faint sound of the washing machine spinning around and around, that began to inform him that maybe she did stay the night, that he might not have imagined the door slamming

He sat himself up in his double bed and moved his hands slowly towards his face, his face felt slightly swollen and as his mind fully awoke the flashback hit him of falling down on the ground and struggling to his feet only for someone to start shouting his name ' William, William, William are you alright?'

//Fucking hell she was here// he suddenly could remember everything about that night, how confused things were for him. Could he trust her? Did he want to? Why had he asked her to stay just like that? Why she was helping him? The whole confessing his deep dark depression to her.

William without any concern about his safety jumped out of his bed and began to stumble around his room, dressed in only his black boxer shorts. He was doing it in an act of panic and need to find Buffy so he could talk to her, touch her and make sure he hadn't imagined that they had met again. Usually he took his time when getting himself out of bed, but now he kept bashing into the bedside cabinet as he found himself turning around in circles.

"Is anyone there? Buffy?" he shouted as loud as he could as he fumbled his way towards the door and out into the living room. He knew that she had been here, but also the place now lacked the sensation he got when other people were there. He was getting himself into a state continually repeating her name because he had to hold into the small hope that she hadn't run away from him.

//I came on to strong, she probably thinks I wanted to screw her, take advantage, I didn't, I just liked her company, fuck I really wanted her to be here now, I wanted to have breakfast with her, I wanted to walk her home, I might have tried to kiss her, I wanted to trust her, I was ready to trust her//

HHHe shook his head and bounded across the room, almost tripping up on several occasions on edges of rugs or bits and pieces of rubbish he hadn't cleaned up. His head had cleared completely of the foggy dream that had clouded his memories, he knew he had spoken to her, he knew they had connected, that he had begged her to stay and she had, what he didn't get was why she was gone now.

//I really wasn't too strong, in fact I was a bit hostile at times, maybe that's it, maybe she thinks I will regret my invitation, yeah it has to be it, she just got confused, must be that, please be that, fuck she hates me I know it, she hates me//

He managed to sit himself down on the sofa, resting his hand on his chin and attempting to calm down. A friendly figure came up to him and sniffed his hand before licking William's bare knee.

"Strummer, there you are" William stated downheartedly as he petted the dog,
"Was Buffy here, fuck she did stay?" he asked, gaining no reply from his companion. His hope had faded completely but he managed to call out his words, praying she was still around

"I remember, love pet, are you here, Buffy?" No response, he brought his knees up to his chest and curled up into a ball on the sofa, resting his head on a cushion. "You didn't have to go, why did you go?" he mumbled helplessly.

******
A day he had spent, the whole of Sunday laying there in a forming depression, not getting up to eat or get changed, not even to answer the phone, thinking of only one thing, Buffy. Where was she? Would he met her again? Why had she left? He thought about this a lot, and like he had conceded previously, she obviously hated him and that would explain everything.

He began to convince himself he knew why she would desert him, he thought of himself as a self obsessed person, even if in reality he cared for his friends and family so deeply that he hid his true pain from them so they wouldn't have to suffer. He considered that he was unattractive, that the last person who called him beautiful had left him in the state he was in, had fucked off and gone because obviously he decided, he was ugly, his ex girlfriend had used him, she probably thought of someone else when they were together. And then he decided he must be a horrible, boring person, that all he did when with Buffy was to go on and on about how depressed he was. It was no wonder, he concluded that she hadn't been there the next morning, he thought she was probably at home with her friends laughing at him. Of course he didn't know the reality that for the whole of Sunday she had sat in the ruins of the local castle crying her eyes out over William, over how stupid she was for loving him.

Despite all of his feelings that she hated him, it still didn't deter William from his attempts to find her again, if anything he wanted a proper explanation for why she had left, he wanted to know if she truly did hate him, why the hell had she helped him out by washing the spare sheets and the t-shirt he had loaned her?. That little fact had grated at him because it didn't fit in with his whole 'she hates my guts' theory he had been conceiving and putting in action since Sunday morning. He also thought that she wouldn't have stayed the night if she hated him. This rational idea floated in and out of his degrading thoughts about himself, sometimes it gave him hope that he would see her again, that she did like him but sometimes all it did was fuel his angry for himself. How could he possibly think she would be attractive to him, he was a piece of shit, she had a future, he didn't, he felt sick at his stupid belief that one day she would be happy to see him.

The next morning had brought with it a new optimism, he had woken up with aches and cramps from where he had slept on the sofa, he felt like shit and looked like he needed to shower and put some proper clothes on. Yet that Sunday night and early Monday morning he had dreamt of her, of Buffy and it was a memory of something she had said to him. 'Your so kind and loving and you may have this charade but its for the good of your friends and William I hope somehow you get over whatever is making you depressed' she had told him. It was the kind and loving bit that he held onto, she wouldn't haven't said it if she despised him, he had decided.

So he had sorted himself out, he had made himself presentable and he had gone down stairs smiling away so he could speak to Rupert. Even after finding out Buffy hadn't come in to hand her application form in, William tried not to let this damper his spirits, instead he thought about everything logically, something he had lost on Sunday through the confusion and pain of Buffy not being there. He may not know where she lived but he knew what she studied.

Now he stood in the English and History building of the university, after realising it was a weekday and she would have lectures. He had managed to see his old Professor, George Jones who had taught him creative writing, William hadn't asked about Buffy because he didn't want to be seen as stalking the girl, instead he had casually in his charming way enquired about the modules that took place on a Monday afternoon and had narrowed down where he thought she would be, in lecture theatre A12, enjoying the delights of Contemporary American Literature. He had been proud of himself for working out where she would be, after all if she studied creative writing it meant she was a second year and that the Contemporary American Literature module was compulsory for all second year English students.

//I am getting fixated by this girl, what is she going to do when she sees me, if she does anything at all, I can't say I was just walking by, fuck I haven't thought this through, she might bloody well accuse me of harassment//

These kind of thoughts had been racing through his head since had he been stood outside the room with an ever faithful Strummer by his side, he gripped onto the lead tightly out of nerves.

//She will just run a mile when she sees me, this is a bad idea, I'm nothing to her, she hates me, but she called me kind and loving and she helped me out, fuck, fuck, my life is too complicated//

William growled in frustration and seriously thought of leaving before he made a fool out of himself but before he had a chance the bell had rang, the lecture was over and soon a stream of students began to rush past him, some obviously taking no notice that he had a guide dog and was therefore blind.

He randomly grabbed out at an arm, trying to gain the attention of someone "Excuse me have you seen a Buffy Summers?"

"Sorry I'm late for my next lecture" The startled girl replied, tugging her arm away from his grip and running off.

"Thanks a bunch" William muttered, he knew people were busy but a little respect would be nice, all he was trying to do was find someone, this one girl he prayed would talk to him. He tried his approach again and placed his hand on someone's shoulder "Hiya do you know a Buffy summers?"

"Buffy who?" the male lazily responded "Never heard of her" he brushed aside William like the girl had done and continued his walk.

William found himself leaning against the wall and sighing in disappointment, he thought that maybe his clever deductions hadn't been so smart after all, but he had been a hundred per cent sure Buffy would be in that class. Moments seemed to tick by rapidly.

//If she had been there, she must have taken one look at me and turned the other way, or, she could be ill, yeah ill. I am deluding myself//

"William" A voice called. He didn't have to be able to see to know who it belonged to and within seconds he felt her comforting hand on his wrist, he could tell she was smiling she always did.

"Tara" he grinned back as she gently hugged him and then stroked Strummer's muzzle tenderly before returning to William's level again and taking his arm in hers

"What are you doing here?" she exclaimed

"Thought I come and visit the place again" William tried to explain, she didn't say anything and he knew she was unconvinced. Tara was one of his closest friends, though she never said it to him, he knew out of all of them she probably had figured out who he truly was, that he hid behind his smiles and jokes. In many ways William could see the similarities between his friend and the woman he searched for "Hmm, I'm looking for someone, only kinda hard to see"

"Who is she?" Tara asked, walking with William closer to the door of the lecture theatre

"Buffy summers, you heard of her?" He doubted Tara did and he didn't even try to hide that it was a girl he was looking for; Tara could read people like an open book. He felt like he was blushing, he never used to be this weak and hopelessly lost when it came woman, in fact even though he had been smitten with his ex, he had asked her out without hesitation and she had been quite amused by his confidence, but that had been before his life altering change and the ability to express his emotions hadn't been forthcoming for William these days.

"Nope" She remarked looking into the room for signs of any life "William, everyone has left"

"She takes English, she should be in this class" He mumbled and slumped his shoulders in defeat "Fuck it" he finally loosened his grip on Strummer's lead, he didn't have to be nervous now because his little brilliant plan had failed.

Tara noticed his slight distress and spoke to him softly "Do you wanna go for a coffee, my treat?"

"You don't have to take sympathy on poor old William" He sulked, he just wanted to go back to his flat and curl up on his sofa again, repeating the events of Sunday, making his depression worse and thinking of new ways to deride himself for being so stupid.

"Its not sympathy, Willow isn't finished until three and I need company, so come on" Tara ordered dragging her friend along the corridor and towards the exit

"Ever get the feeling people are trying to avoid you, and you, well you wished you knew why but you don't?" He queried, he knew Tara wouldn't allow him wallow in self pity, though she was incredibly quiet in front of strangers when it came to her friends she opened up to them and she made them speak to her about things.

"Why would anyone want to avoid you?" Tara said bemused as she William and Strummer walked out of the building and into the sunny spring afternoon.


***
They had been sitting on the beach, by the small café for the last ten minutes. William had explained to Tara why he left early on Saturday, when he should've stayed and celebrated her gig with the others, he left out the true reasons of bad trips down memory lane and claustrophobia, instead blaming it on too much drink making him ill. He also didn't tell her that he had fallen over on his way home because that would no doubt make his friends think he was incapable of anything. Also he had to make up some stupid excuse up tripping up in his living room to cover up his bruises and swelling. He didn't like to lie to them especially as someone like Tara was a genuine person with only good intentions but trying to tell them how fucked up he felt was too hard for William to articulate. His wish not to reveal the extent of his issues and melancholy wouldn't be able to hold out this afternoon because Tara had just asked about Buffy. He shifted on the stony beach and pretended that he hadn't heard her question, but Tara had placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Who is she?" Tara repeated her statement.

"I don't know, I'm not sure, I wanted to see her, well meet her again to find out" William responded muttering his words.

"I could find out where she lives for you, you know Willow and her computer skills she could track Buffy down in seconds " Tara enthused "It really wouldn't take long"

"Don't, its, well its not very healthy stalking someone" He answered, bowing his head in a kind of shame, this situation was ironic though of course he didn't know it. He was frightened of coming across as a stalker the same guilt and fear that had plagued Buffy since she started following him around "Love can you get me another coffee?" He asked, hoping that by distracting Tara for a few minutes by the time she came back the topic of conversation would've changed.

"Sure" she stated getting up and brushing bits of sand and small pebbles away as she climbed up onto the promenade and walked over to the café as William sat doing what he always did these days, pondering his life.

It went beyond just Buffy, the problems he was having with her where only the start of his complex life. He found himself thinking about all the plans he had when he left university, writer, musician, travelling the world, getting married to her and all that had changed because she had he guessed.

//Maybe she always used me, maybe all she wanted me for was a joke, for sex, she certainly didn't care when she left me, hit me on the fucking head with a crowbar//

He couldn't even bare to think her name, let alone utter it, it ingrained in his memory and always would, the woman he loved, the woman he hated, the woman who seemed to stop him even now from taking decisive action when it came to Buffy

"Drusilla" he mumbled and instantly grimaced, he had let her enter his thoughts and take control if only for a few seconds "Fuck it"

"Are you okay?" Tara commented as she sat back down and handed William's his mug. He didn't respond verbally, merely shrugging his shoulders "I was thinking about Buffy when I was getting our drinks"

"Tara don't" he warned, he really didn't want her to get Willow involved, even if he found her address out he wouldn't go round.

"Do you have any idea what Buffy looks like?" She continued her questioning looking every so often to a bench on the promenade.

"No, well she's pretty short I guess" He answered, remembering when he had first met her and had placed his hands on her arms, she had been definitely shorter than him "Why?"

"Would 5 foot 2, blonde hair down to her shoulders, and I guess a scruffy alternative look be her style?" Tara quizzed.

"Tara what are you talking about?" William snapped, why was she torturing him over made up images of a girl he had been trying to figure out all weekend and why wouldn't she leave the subject alone, usually Tara got the hint.

Tara placed her drink down and did the same to William's as she leaned in and whispered into his ear "Someone's watching us, staring at you, it could be Buffy"

"It won't be, it really won't be" William conceded sadly, why would anyone be watching him, especially Buffy, but curiosity led him to his next question "Is she pretty?

"She's beautiful" Tara smiled looking again at the girl who sat on the bench pretending she wasn't watching them "She dressed pretty scruffy but I think underneath all that she's good-looking. William I'm inviting her over" she decided.

"What!" William shouted "Oh no, it might not be her!" he was terrified in case it was and then what was he going to do, ask if she hated him?

"Even if it's not this girl is perfect for you" Were Tara's last words before she left her friend's side again and wandered over to the girl who watched her.

William sat in silence, his nerves were reaching breaking point. What was he going to do? What the hell was he meant to say? What if it wasn't Buffy, what if it was?

//What if she takes one look at me and runs a mile?//

He heard the sounds of footsteps come nearer and Strummer, who had been pretty quiet for most of the afternoon had got up and greeted Tara and her guest. It was Buffy, he could tell somehow, he didn't really understand other than the fact that the person felt familiar.

Tara helped him up from the ground and brought him in for another hug "She has striking green eyes and she can't stop staring at you" she smiled leaving the pair

"Buffy?" he asked, just wanting to make sure it really was her.

"Hiya your friend, erm she invited me over, but I, I should really be... going" Buffy stammered, tapping her foot nervously on the ground.

"Do you have to?" he responded quickly, waiting for her reply.

TBC>>>

Chapter Six: You Want It Badly, You Want It So Complete.

She shouldn't have stared; she didn't have that right to look at him, to cast her eye over to where he sat with his friend. Ever since she had left his flat, she had been punishing herself for helping him on Saturday night, but if she found reasons to justify her having contact with him when he fell over, such as he could have been seriously hurt. Truthfully she couldn't justify taking his offer of a place to stay, even if she was homeless, that was the whole problem. She lied, she fucking lied to gain his confidence and no friendship or relationship could be based upon decent.

Yet Buffy hadn't been able to stop herself from watching him for the last five minutes as she sat down on the familiar bench that resided near the café which she had just seen his female companion walk over to as he sat looking deep in thought.

//He looks really concerned about something// she considered still focussing on him with such intensity that she felt as though she was burning a hole in the back of his head.

She realised that she probably hadn't blinked since she noticed the man who dominated her thoughts was sat so close by. She had been trying to cleanse her memory of William and that afternoon she had been doing pretty well, in fact if anything she was thinking not of the man who she wanted to spend eternity with but instead of past once again. Buffy had been seriously wondering why she chose this little seaside town, when she knew it would be impossible to find a job. She knew why though, she needed to keep as far away from her family as possible and even if she was jobless and homeless since leaving prison she had kept herself out of trouble. A place like this allowed her to merge into the background, the students didn't have time for her, didn't even bother taunting her and the locals turned a blind eye to the issue of the homeless, simply because they struggled to survive themselves.

Yet despite her desire to be forgotten about, sometimes Buffy wished she hadn't chose her current location. Sure she wanted to punish herself for what she had done and by being unemployed, by living on the streets she was certainly suffering. However, just occasionally like today she wondered if she could allow herself some happiness, whether that would be okay.

//I only want one little thing and that's William, I would take care of him so well, I would love him completely, I would make sure he was never in pain//

"Damn" she muttered aloud, Buffy had allowed William to enter her thoughts again and as soon as she did that it was when she saw him so near to her.

Now she continued sitting and yes she wished she hadn't stared because there he was and now his friend was walking over to her smiling.

//Shit what if that's his girlfriend, fuck she is going to tell me to leave her man alone, I knew he had someone, knew it, his too beautiful not to have anyone, shit, fuck, oh god she's getting nearer//

Buffy's mind went into overload, she wanted to get up and run for eternity away from her stupid make believe land, away from this town that didn't do her any good. In fact for the first time in years she wanted to go back to America, back to her childhood, back when her mother and father were still together and her and Dawn were little girls, happy and content. She couldn't move though, frozen to her spot much like she had been when the sirens of the police cars had wailed ever nearer and Angel laid on the floor blood pouring from his stomach. She had been frozen in fear then and perhaps it was fear that was getting her now.

"Hiya" the girl said stopping in front of Buffy, she looked to the ground and then up to her "This is going to sound a little weird but is your name Buffy by chance?"

"I, what?" Buffy frowned as she stood up and greeted the woman anxiously. How had she known who she was? And how come she was being so polite? More importantly shouldn't Buffy be in the midst of a catfight by now for ogling over her boyfriend?

"Didn't mean to confuse you, my name is Tara McClay" Tara extended her arm out for a handshake "I'm a friend of William Johnstone, you are Buffy right?"

"I am, look sorry for staring" Buffy blushed, she caught a glimpse of William, he was gnawing at his fingernails looking terrified. Yet something else clicked in Buffy's memory, wasn't Willow who was in the record shop on Saturday, wasn't her girlfriend called Tara, yes she was pretty sure.

//Like it makes any difference, so what if she isn't with William, not like I am going to be, look at him he doesn't want me to see him again, this Tara is just being sweet//

"He has been looking for you all over, come on he'll be please to see you" Tara continued unabated in her efforts to convince Buffy to talk to William.

"I don't know" Buffy responded sighing heavily. Shit how could she say yes? She had to stop this fanatical behaviour towards him, it wasn't healthy. But then again had she just heard Tara correctly, William had been searching for her, why would he do that?

//I know he wants me to give him money for stealing his food, for spending the night and then fucking off without saying thank you//

Before Buffy had a chance to wallow in further self pity and spend the rest of the day failing in her attempts to erase the man from her life, Tara took her by the arm and walked across the promenade and back onto the beach. Buffy was seriously shocked by what was occurring especially as she became closer to him and all her body was screaming at her that she was in love with that man.

"Really, don't tell him I told you but he likes you a lot" Tara whispered as she went to help William up from the ground and brought him in for a hug.

Buffy gazed at the situation confused, straining to hear what Tara was saying to William and then finding herself alone with him as the young woman walked off.

"Buffy?" he asked.

"Hiya your friend, erm she invited me over, but I, I should really be... going" Buffy stammered, tapping her foot nervously on the ground. She knew she couldn't back out of this now, it wouldn't be polite just running away from him, plus she knew she would regret it if she didn't get to have one final conversation with him.

"Do you have to?" she heard him reply; he was looking around, unable to figure out where she was.

She rested her hand on his arm and moved him so he was facing her, she stared down at his dog who was shaking the sand of its fur and looking at Buffy with watchful eyes

"I should, I can't speak with you" she began, she planned to finally tell him the truth, to reveal to him who she was because her lies had gone on for to long but he interrupted her by running his fingers across her arm and slowly towards her face.

"Did I scare you away the other night? I'm sorry pet if I came across as a fuck up, or like I would take fucking advantage of you but I wouldn't" William said sweetly, he was letting his previous inhibitions about touching her drift away. Tara had described her as beautiful he wanted to find out for himself and as he couldn't see, her trailed his index finger down her cheekbones instead.

"I know that, I have a seminar soon, I should start leaving to make it in time" Buffy tightly shut her eyes, she felt as though she was in heaven as he continued caressing her skin with his soft touch. She hadn't meant to lie again, telling him she had a seminar but she was caught up in the moment of his kindness and saying she had to go because she was a liar and deceitful would ruin the flow of her current circumstances.


"I waited outside your Contemporary American Literature lecture before, where were you?" William asked, reaching his hand up towards her forehead and brushing strands of hair tenderly.

//She is going to think I'm obsessed, but she hasn't pulled away, and Tara did say she was watching us, so does she like me? This is getting way to complicated, I need her to talk to me, to tell me if she has any feelings for me, even if there just ones of hate//

Buffy eyes shot open at his admission of where he had been, of course he wasn't going to find her at the university seeing as she had damn well lied about taking History and English. Yet his hand didn't stop with its gentle stroking of her hair and she decided to give into this sensation of happiness as she closed her eyes once more.

// How perfect is this, how wonderful. I am dreaming this time; if Saturday night happened, this can't be, his touching me, I can hear him breathing, smell the coffee on his breath//

"I missed that, kinda got up too late, can't miss my seminar" Buffy said distractedly, like she was off in her own little world and she was, she didn't have any conviction in her words. Even if she did have a seminar she would have missed it, how could she stop this, this perfect moment? She would be a fool to break their contact, in fact as Strummer sat down again on the sand, Buffy moved herself closer to William, taking his hand that held onto his guide dog led. She knew that Strummer wouldn't go off anywhere, he was trained to stay by his owner and she needed to hold William's hand, to make the dream more intense.

"It was weird, when I woke up and I could hear the washing machine and you weren't there" Williams voce began to crack, he was remembering how low he felt when he had realised she had gone. How he spent the whole of Sunday depressed, curled up on his sofa, wishing she would come back. "I shouted for you over and over again and you didn't reply, I missed you"

"William" Buffy whispered, why was he acting like this, as if he really cared for her?. She forced herself to look at him and reality began to hit her again, she couldn't go through with her charade, of pretending to be someone instead of a nobody. No matter how much she found this truly a perfect meeting, even though she loved every inch of his persona and though she would die if he removed his hand from her face, she had to stop it now.

//Snap out of it Buffy, go now, he is speaking like this because he thinks your someone your not//

She released their entwined hands and took a step back, her breathing rapid from his little activities, if she felt this excited by just this little moment of contact she couldn't begin to think how an actual kiss would make her feel.

William felt his heart drop as she backed away, he knew it, came on to fucking strong. He began to feel like a fool for showing her how much she meant to him when in the end she was just teasing him, in the end she wouldn't want him and he knows why, because he is blind and this makes him anger and he voice started to rise in a forming rage. The same kind of rage that made him lash out her the other night, it was about trust and it was about his past, his former girlfriend Drusilla had made him wary about woman. Even though he had convinced himself he could trust Buffy, he was getting confused and consequently angry at why she gave him mixed signals.

//Is she just fucking up my emotions for her own screwed up sense of amusement? //

"Call me a stupid prick but I, well, I thought on Saturday, I fucking hell." William tried expressing his mixed emotions and took a break before starting again. He wasn't even sure if she was even there, he could be speaking to himself for all he knew "I opened up to you and you waltzed off after I told you things I haven't spoken to my friends about, why, its all I want to ask why?"

Buffy was listening to him attentively, she was concerned about how he was acting but she understood why he was angry. She had allowed him to confess his problems to her and then she had left him, like she was ashamed at hearing all his issues. She wasn't though, she was intrigued by his true self, what made him who he was, his past, she wanted to know more about his past. Yet still her own past caused obstacles for her, he had asked why she had left and it was because of her own shame for what had shaped her.

"I can't be your friend" Unlike William, she spoke gently still, those five words hurt her considerably but for once she knew they were the truth, heartbreaking as it was. She wanted to turn away and stopping staring at his face, she had to finally break away from her need for William, she couldn't think straight without him but still life wasn't that simple.

"You're not answering my question!" He snapped grabbing out at her, he caught her arm and held on tight, he wanted answers from her, why the sweet and kind act if she didn't mean it?

"I know, William" Buffy grimaced, he had a strong grip on her and though it hurt she didn't want to let go, she couldn't. She looked around fleetingly and saw how people watched their exchange, members of the public loved to watch public display of fighting, both verbal and physical because it gave them something to gossip about. Buffy knew all about people speaking about her behind her back, whispering words about her and Angel but now this wasn't the issue, William was. "I don't want an argument in front of a bunch of strangers!"

William loosened his grip, if acting like the tough guy wasn't going to work then he was desperate enough to plead with her "Well then we can go back to my place, or yours. Speak to me Buffy, I'm not some fucked up, strange stalker, I just want to be your friend. Why are you laughing?"

"This isn't real" Buffy exclaimed. She was indeed laughing at how ironic William's words were. He was afraid as coming across as a stalker, when this was the very same fear that Buffy had been dealing with since she first started following him around. She finally began to realise what she needed to do.

//I have to tell him the truth, really this time actually come out and tell him some stuff. Not everything because I need to ease him in, see if he can handle it, cope with who I am. For some reason he genuinely seems to want to be my friend and this is the only way we can work//

She had decided that was it, the truth was her only way to gain any chance of a friendship with William. She knew it wouldn't necessarily go well, he could get angry again at her lying, he might be ashamed to even speak to her when she told him she wasn't intelligent, she didn't go to university. But her shame about her past had been stopping her for too long. She couldn't give up on the fact that she could really get somewhere with him, that despite the fact that she thought she had made up everything about this afternoon, he really had been touching her face, he really was upset about her not being their on Sunday morning. It wasn't a dream.

"Buffy, pet are you okay?" William asked, he was getting worried at her silence. Had he made a bigger fool of himself? Was that even possible?

"You wanna talk still?" Buffy questioned, she picked up the led of his dog and handed it to him. She felt relieved already, like she had shed a heavy load from her mind, even though she hadn't even began to speak any truth to him.

"Yes, its what I've been trying to say" William laughed wearily, it had taken what seemed like hours but was in reality ten minutes for his message to Buffy to get through, he just wanted to speak to her. She began to guide him off the beach and back onto concrete "Where you taking me love?"

"The castle, its quiet there and beautiful" she decided walking forwards towards their destination.

"What about your seminar?"

"I miss it, doesn't matter, I don't think I really had one today anyway" Buffy shrugged, she looked at William, who gave her an impression of bewilderment. Yes she would show him who she really was but not until they had a bit of privacy.

>>

Chapter Seven: She Wants Your image, She Wants Your Kiss

She was currently doing what he had asked of her, describing the view she could see as they sat on a piece of grass by the ruins of a once grand castle that overlooked the Irish Sea. William had been to this spot many a time in his student days so as Buffy explained how the hazy sun glistened on the still water and that the First World War monument dominated their view; he conjured up vivid memories of the scene.

On their right hand side stood the Old College, the original building that had housed the early days of the university at the end of the 19th Century. To the left Buffy was talking about the empty, barren south beach that was overlooked by the students and holidaymakers because it lacked the beautiful golden sands of the main beach.

Buffy loved what she was doing for him, because she felt as if she was truly being helpful and that she did this not to win brownie points but because he had said softly to her 'tell me what you see'. She had finished her description of the landscape and waited for his response.

"I don't think this town has really changed one bit" he commented. Even though he couldn't see where he sat with her, she had been right the castle ruins were both quiet and beautiful and he was glad of it because it made them both relaxed and he was determined to share a moment with her that ended well for once.

"So, you seem to spend a lot of speaking to me. Don't you have essays to write, books to read, not that I mind you being here but you said you had a seminar?" William quizzed ignorant of the reasons why Buffy wished to speak to him, not only to shed some light on her reality but she spoke to him because she loved him, not that she was planning on exposing that truth.

"I did but I erm, also said maybe it wasn't today and what I mean by that is" Buffy stuttered her sentence, she tore her eyes away their position of watching his every move, she had to focus, come out with it directly.

//Be calm and collected, you can do this, look he is so happy about being here and his with me, does that mean he actually likes me? Who knows back to the main point, if his mood is upbeat then maybe he will take this well. Of course maybe he will push me off the edge into the sea//

"Buffy" William stated, he couldn't work out what she was rambling on about but managed to place his hand on her knee and urged her to carry on.

"William, I have to tell you something, whether you're going to like it or not I don't know and I'm certain you're going to be angry" Buffy declared, she looked at where his hand was and wondered how long he would continue touching her when he found out the truth. She then turned her attention to Strummer, she decided that the dog must be incredibly patient, all it ever seemed to do was lay around as Buffy and William spoke to one and other. All this was diverting from the reason why she was here.

"You helped me out on Saturday night, then you even washed your own sheets and now you've just been very sweet and helpful and described..." William's kind words were abruptly stopped by Buffy who rested her hand on his.

"I'm not a student, you never saw me at that Contemporary American Literature lecture because I don't do English and History, I lied" she said quickly, hoping that it would take him off guard. He didn't say anything in reply "Well please say something, bad or good, its taken me a lot to say these things to you"

"I did wonder why no one had heard of you, I thought maybe you were shy and didn't socialise much" was the first thing William found himself saying. His mouth was still dropped open in shock.

//Its not like she told me she was I don't know a murderer, married even but it's a bit weird, I had constructed this world in which we would talk about Hemmingway or Orwell, have long discussions about the impact of the First World War on western society. Who I am kidding, so what if she doesn't study English or History, its not like it really makes who she is, I care for her, I need to speak to her because she understands what I feel more than anyone I've known, whether she goes to university or not isn't important//

"Well I guess that's pretty true" she shrugged, he had kind of summed her life up pretty well, shy and doesn't socialise much, and to her surprise his hand still stayed on her knee and she saw him smile at her. She truly couldn't believe how well things were going but she knew not to get too confident because everything could change if she told him deeper, more disturbing secrets like the fact she had been in prison and that she was homeless.

"I didn't mean to say I went to university but when I went into Mr Giles shop he presumed I was a student and I got carried away" Buffy explained further and that was the reality of what had occurred at the weekend, when she had tried to explain to Rupert about having no experience she had been planning on saying she currently didn't have a house or flat not even a room to stay in but he had interrupted her and said she was student and that lie had seemed perfect.

"What do you do then? Why were you looking for a job if you don't need it?" William enquired; he did have to wonder what went on in her mind at times, why she wanted to apply for a job when she was probably employed somewhere else. What kind of job she had William couldn't figure out, she always seemed to be around when he needed her to be; perhaps she works from home he decided.

"I do, I do nothing William, I'm unemployed I guess" Buffy admitted, she said it in a defeated voice because there was nothing good about having no job and now that she had started to let her secrets out would she be able to stop at just this?

//Yes I have to, I'm not ready to tell him everything, his accepted this but the other stuff will take time, I shouldn't push him to far//

"Hey don't sound so ashamed by that" William gradually trailed his hand up leg and positioned it on her denim-clad thigh squeezing the material and her flesh out of reassurance. "Not like you're the only one, look at me I don't work"

"But well, you have a reason" She paused, she didn't want to bring up his blindness but it was the truth right? And her she didn't work because she had no permanent address and a criminal record. She blocked the negativity out of her mind, he was touching her again, his firm hand on her, part of her wished she had worn a skirt, but then she found herself blushing at the stupidity.

//Just friends, we're just friends//

"I guess I could work if I really wanted to but I don't, I live of the money my parents left me" He revealed but like his companion he had times in his life he didn't wish to discuss, his parents death being one of these heartbreaking, fuck him up memories. "So why don't you work then?"

"Can't find anything, don't have any qualifications, there's nothing going on here" Buffy remarked, which wasn't completely a lie, there wasn't much work in this small struggling town that was kept alive by the students and tourists.

"Then if you don't mind me asking why are you even here, in this town, if you're not a student or a local why stay?"

"I really don't know, William shouldn't you be screaming and shouting at me for lying to you?" She asked, sure she liked how he was taking it very well but she was so used to something going bad that she was waiting for him to flip again.

"Why would I?" William said, he saw no reason why he would hold a grudge against her. Yes he had been upset with her for leaving on Sunday without an explanation but he understood that she was embarrassed about her circumstance. "You explained that it was a misunderstanding, that's fair enough"

"But I should have told you the truth before, I feel so bad for not, you think you know who I am when you don't" Buffy sighed, her voice began to rise, in a way she felt angry at William, she wanted him to rebuke her because she wanted to be punished, sure she knew it made her a fuck up but so much in her life had confirmed this already.

"Seeing as this is our third meeting I doubt I would really know much about you, why are you being so harsh on yourself?" William answered gently.

"Because I'm ashamed of who I am, of the things I've done and I want to tell you more because you have been nothing but sweet and kind to me since we met but" she began to get herself into a state, she combed her hair with her fingers but she wouldn't cry, allow a stray tear to fall because it would show her weak self towards a man she wanted to look after, who she needed to be strong in front off.

Though William couldn't see her, he had learnt to read emotions not through sight but different tones in voices and how bodies reacted. Right now he knew Buffy was distressed, he could feel her body shake as his hand still stayed firmly on her thigh and her voice was cracking like she was under pressure. He didn't want any of this, he wanted her not to loathe herself but realise how much an affect she had on him in such a short time span.

"You never let me finish before, you have done a lot for me, maybe you don't realise it but I haven't met many new people since my accident and you really have been something different" he let a small smile play on his lips.

//Different? I'm not sure if that's the right word to describe her, she makes me feel intoxicated, I don't know if I even felt like this about Dru, no I only think I did, Buffy is something purer than that, Drusilla was about desire and seduction, Buffy is like, this is so fucking naïve, she's like innocence///

"Something stupid you mean? Before when I said we can't be friends I think I still mean that, I have too much shit you wouldn't like" Buffy admitted, would he be so caring if he knew she went to jail, that her stupidity killed the man she once loved? How could expect to protect William, when she had let Angel's life slip from her hands.

"Your unemployed, so I am, join the club, you have shit going on, trust me I do as well, life isn't easy I fucking know that and for whatever reasons so do you" William beseeched, his usual docile azure eyes made a rare expression, they radiated compassion towards her "When I spoke to you about my life being this big fucking charade you understood, the whole sad clown thing its true I get it, you do. We have a lot in common, a lot of good things and maybe screwed up things"

"I can't believe you still have faith in me" Buffy replied incredulously. She decided right there that she didn't want to walk away from this, he was the most loving and genuine person she had come across in years.

"The fact that I trust you Buffy, trust that you're a good person is a big thing pet, to me, usually I don't let people, women into my life easily, since well, accidents aren't always accidents" William faltered in his response, could he reveal to her why he was blind, could he open up that much?

"Oh" Buffy said simply, she wasn't sure where he was going but as this afternoon had been one about honesty she decided to ask, her instincts told her it was definitely about a woman "Did she leave you after what happened?"

William nodded in agreement and spoke slowly "I guess that's one way of putting it, she, Dru, see I can't even finish her name, she messed me up, she, well like I said it wasn't an accident, how..." Throughout his talking he felt his emotions rise and despite himself he felt his eyes become wet, he removed his hand from Buffy and began to rub his face.

//She will think I'm a right ponce, a little boy who cries all the time//

Yet he couldn't help it, thinking about Drusilla had even the effect of anger or anguish and he couldn't become annoyed with Buffy again, so hot salty tears it was.

"Ssh, I shouldn't asked" Buffy shifted herself nearer and found a grubby tissue in her pocket wiping his tears away, she then threw the tissue away and used her thumb instead, in tender strokes across his cheeks.

"Why not, its not like I can hide from it!" William sniffled, he had given up on holding in his emotional breakdown, his defences were definitely broken "My own girlfriend led me into a building she knew, or hoped I wouldn't return from, she hit me over the back of my head!"

"Why, oh my God, why would she do that to you" Buffy shouted out in shock, she saw him flinch away and had certainly gained the attention of Strummer, whose ears pricked up and darted his eyes towards her. She briefly moved from William in order to pat the dog and calm him down before retuning to the man she wished to devote her entire life to "Sorry, no more questions, I promise"

"Your not going to leave are you?" William asked warily but as he felt Buffy move to sit in front of him, he found himself knowing what she wanted, feeling the same way and wondering how much more unnecessary speaking they would do before the moment hit.

"No, I can't" Buffy whispered, she bit her lip as she felt herself overwhelmed with sensations. Love, need, desire, want, compassion. "I can't leave you" she rested her head against his and stayed silent for a few moments. Just hearing him breathe was wonderful, like seeing a glorious sunset for the first time or tasting smooth silky chocolate. She couldn't even control her volatile emotions as she found that stray tear she had desperately be holding in cascade down her face and onto his own.

"Buffy, your" William stopped, he didn't need to see to know that she was weeping much like himself, he carefully found his hands around her waist and found himself guiding the young woman onto his lap.

//Nothing will come from this// she repeated in her head

//Does she really love me or is this just pity? // he mused

///Comfort just comfort// the pair thought in unison.

"Crying too, I hate so much that I have done, but not as much as I hate that woman for harming you, and for the pain your in" Buffy repressed her doubts and knowledge that she shouldn't do this and lowered her lips to met his.

She bit his soft silky skin wearily unsure of what his reaction would be, but then gaining confidence as he let out a small pleasing moan and deepened their actions. Tongues twirled against one and other, tastes of coffee and chocolate cake the last thing he ate fused onto her own taste buds. She wrapped her arms around his neck and gently rocked her body against his lap, all she could think off was how much passion she felt in this single kiss and what the consequences of it would be.

TBC>>>>

Next