Disclaimer: The Buffy characters belong to Joss, the rest belong to me. But I'll share.

Dear Diary,

Boy, does that ever sound hokey... OK, I'll take this seriously and give it a real try. I certainly owe Giles that much. He says it might help the dreams stop. Hard to imagine that just writing about all this will make it go away, but it's not like going to a psychiatrist is an option, now is it? I can just see that conversation. Hi, I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. You've never heard of me? That's funny. I've saved the world for you more times than I can count. They'd have the straight jacket on me and a thorazine drip going before I could take another breath. Nope, this is just one more demon to slay, but now I don't have Spike to watch my back. I never will again. And that's where the dreams come in.

So, where should I start? Do I pretend that this book is a person and treat it like a stranger? Do I talk to it like I talk to myself? Or an old friend? Huh... guess I should have asked Spike when I had the chance. He was always scribbling in something, but I was more interested in other activites back then. Books, bad. Sex, good. Giles always had to keep the Watcher Journals, but those were really dry. You know, three vamps, four demons, a dozen eggs.... Sounds like a Hellmouth shopping list.

OK... a little background. Sunnydale sat on the Hellmouth. What a great idea, build a town on Hell's doorstep, then prop the door open. I'm the Slayer. Well, there's another one too, actually a whole bunch of other ones, but I was the Slayer first. Not that I was the First Slayer, but.... wow, this is hard. I don't know how far back to go. I mean, does this all have to make sense to anyone who picks it up, or is it just meant to be a place for me to write all my feelings down? Like I said, I've never done this before.

Um... I slay vampires and demons, the bad ones anyway. There are some that aren't bad, but it took me too long to figure that out. I have a sister who used to be a Key -- this big ball of green energy stuff that opened a portal to all the hell dimensions, but I died to close the portal. Not that I'm dead... Willow and Tara and Anya and Xander brought me back from Heaven. And now Tara and Anya are gone, Willow doesn't do much magic anymore, and Xander... well, I'll come back to him.

After the Hellmouth caved in, we all moved to this little town near Cleveland called Glenville. It's so strange being in the middle of the country. I grew up in LA and then Sunnydale, which are both in California, so I was always pretty close to the ocean. Now it seems like I'll never see it again. Giles came with us for awhile, but now he's back in England. He was my Watcher. It was his job to train me and do researchy stuff to help kill the demons and the big bads that came to town, or up from the Hellmouth.

When we got here, Willow and I talked about it and decided to let Dawnie, that's my sister, you know, the Key thingie, take her GED even though she's kinda young. Neither one of us wanted to risk sending her to another school that was so close to a Hellmouth. She's really good at languages and translating old texts and stuff so she's taking some language classes online and when she's a little older, she says she's gonna go to college and maybe get a job at the UN or something as a translator. Sounds nice and safe.

Willow got her degree last summer and is working on her Master's now. Something computer-y. She's a TA at the college and they've asked her to stay on as a teacher when she finishes. It's good. She's comfy and the kids love her.

Ever since Xander made that beautiful weapons chest for me, he's wanted to focus on woodworking stuff like that (not for weapons, but for like wedding dresses and china cabinets and tables -- like old fashioned Hope chests). We set him up a shop out in the garage and he's sold a few pieces. They're gorgeous. All carvy and elaborate. He's getting a reputation. People even come looking for him.

He and I have gotten closer since we lost Anya and Spike. He seems to understand and accept Spike more now that he's gone. It's too bad. I think the two of them could have been friends if they had given each other a chance, if he hadn't been trying so hard to protect me back then. Not sure if he was trying to protect me from Spike or myself though. Not sure he even knew. But now we keep each other company when neither one of us wants to face the nightmares. I think we've seen every old movie ever made. Especially the vampirey, demon-y ones.

I guess that brings me to Spike. William the Bloody. For so long I tried to convince myself that he wasn't worth loving, that he was beneath me. I even said that to him. He was so hurt. I felt like a heel, but I couldn't take it back. That would have been showing weakness. Can't have the Slayer look weak. All that lost time. I just didn't think about it back then. After all, Spike was a vampire -- hello, immortal. Had all the time in the world, right?

Chapter 2:

Dreams

The crater that had been Sunnydale seemed to pulse in time with her heartbeat. Almost two years and still very little had started to grow on the land. There were a few brave shoots of grass and some weeds, but even those looked sickly, like the ground couldn't nourish them properly. As she stood gazing out across the vast expanse, it began to bulge in the middle, where the Hellmouth had been. She stared in fascination and horror as suddenly blood -- it couldn't be blood, could it? -- burst from the bulge and flowed toward her. Then Spike was there, as sexy and disturbing as ever, but without the cockiness. He was holding his arms out to her, beckoning, walking slowly toward her on the flowing blood. "Come, pet, come see how it ended. We did this together, you and I. Come see."

She reached toward him... oh, to be safe in his arms again. That night seemed so long ago. But she couldn't move her feet and he was fading. "Spike, wait. Don't go. I need you." He smiled gently and was gone.

Buffy awoke sweating and tangled in the sheets. She stared up at the ceiling waiting for reality to flood back in. Sunnydale was gone. The Hellmouth was gone. The fight was over. They had won. Anya was gone. So many of the Potentials, too. And most important, Spike was gone. Forever. She rolled onto her side and sobbed. Would she never run out of tears?

Chapter 3:

Nightmares

Buffy dragged herself out of bed after another dream-filled night. Most of the details eluded her, as usual, with the light of day. She was left with an impression of gore and a deep sense of loss. And Spike's smile.

After standing under the scalding shower, trying to convince herself to face another day, Buffy got dressed and went out to the garage to watch Xander for awhile. Seeing the pieces take shape under his skillful hands was soothing somehow. The solidity of a table or an armoire grounded her. Plus she liked the smell of sawdust. It was a clean smell.

Xander glanced up as she walked in, "Hey, Buff."

"Hey."

He looked more closely and saw the circles under her eyes, the haunted look in them, and knew. "Dreams again, huh?" he asked quietly. She just nodded.

"Whatcha makin'?"

He realized she still wasn't ready to talk about them. He sure hoped that journal idea of Giles' worked. She'd been having the dreams for almost a year now. They had started on the anniversary of.... he had to force himself to say it, even inside his head... the end of Sunnydale. The end of the lives they had known -- the end of so many lives.

"It's an ottoman to go with the chair I made for Mrs. Travis last month. She ordered a coffee table too. She said she's going to redo the whole room around the chair." Xander turned his attention back to the wood he was measuring. It was where he found his comfort. In creation after all the destruction. "Where's Dawn? She studying?"

"Um... I'm not sure. I didn't actually look." Buffy felt the familiar twinge of guilt. She wasn't paying enough attention to Dawn. She wasn't paying enough attention to anything anymore. Even the slaying. She just went through the motions day after day, night after night. Get up, get dressed, eat when she remembered or someone told her to, wash dishes, do laundry, go grocery shopping, patrol. All without really noticing or caring. She was grateful that the Council had set up the trust fund before they blew up and she didn't have to find a job. At least they had done THAT right. She and Giles were taken care of for the rest of their lives.

"Movie night tonight?" Buffy jumped. She'd been lost in memories again, dreaming in the past.

"Oh... yeah... Willow's stopping at the video store on the way home. Wonder what she'll pick this time."

"Can't be any worse than the time she decided we all needed a light fluffy night and came home with Xanadu."

"Or what about the night she wanted us to stay up and watch the whole Herbie the Love Bug series."

Buffy and Xander shared a smile and he inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't going to be one of the really hard days. *Good, she's had enough of those.*

"I'll let you get back to work. I'm gonna go check on Dawnie. She said something yesterday about wanting to go to the library. Maybe we'll go do that and I'll take her for some ice cream after, you know, to reconnect a little."

"Great idea. Don't forget to be back by four. You know how Giles gets if you're not here when he calls."

Buffy made a face and sighed. "I know, I know. I'll be here. It's hard to talk to him these days though. He asks all the hard questions. Like if I'm OK and if the dreams have stopped. I just wish I could remember the details. He wants me to work on that. Trying to write it down as soon as I wake up. He gets so frustrated with me when I tell him it's already blurry by then."

"He wants to help, Buff."

"Yeah. He always has. But I'm not sure anyone else can help on this one. It might be one I have to figure out on my own."

Xander shrugged and said "Maybe. Go have some fun with Dawn. You both need it."

"OK. We'll be back by four."

"OK." Xander watched Buffy's back as she headed back into the house. *We all want to help, but you won't let us in. I have dreams too, but they don't haunt me like yours do. Come back to us, Buffy. You're the glue that holds all of us together. If I had known that losing Spike would take so much of you away too, I'd have chloroformed HIM that night. Jeez, never thought I'd miss anything about him. But I miss the way he could make you laugh... the smile in your eyes.* He sighed and went back to his measuring.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

With dinner over, Buffy, Xander and Dawn plopped on the couch. Willow trailed behind and put the big bowl of popcorn on the coffee table where they could all easily reach it. It seemed like no matter how satisfying dinner was, movies just required popcorn. She had a mischievous light in her eyes as she pulled the video from the bag. "This is an oldie but a goodie, you guys." She took the video from the box and slid it into the VCR, then bent to turn on the television. The previous renter had failed to rewind and suddenly the strains of "Unchained Melody" filled the room and Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore were holding each other.

Buffy's eyes filled with tears, she let out a strangled sound, looked at Willow in dismay and bolted from the room. Willow was frozen in shock. She watched Buffy go as Xander grabbed the remote to hit the mute button.

"Smooth move, Wil. Not sure 'Ghost' would have been my first choice, you know, what with the nightmares and all."

"I-it wasn't. I m-mean, I didn't choose it. L-Look." She held out the box which read 'Ghostbusters'. "I thought it would be fun. You know, kind of Buffy-Lite. I better go see if she's ok."

"I'll go," Dawn said, getting up from the couch and climbing over Xander's legs. "I kinda need to blow my nose anyway." She stood outside Buffy's door and took a deep breath, expecting to hear sobbing from inside the room. Nothing. Uh-oh. This was going to be a hard one. She tapped gently and pushed the door open. "Buffy? They switched the tapes in the boxes at the store, it was supposted to be -- "

Buffy was sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. The tears silently streamed down her face. Dawn reached to hug her, but Buffy didn't respond. "Buffy? Buffy!"

Chapter 4:

Merry Old England

Giles sighed as he left the larger building for his smaller quarters located just behind. He glanced back to make sure all the windows were dark. It had been a good day for the most part. Wood was doing an excellent job with a very unusual situation. He had managed to hire a staff with just the right balance to keep the Poten-, er Slayers, in check. It was still difficult for him to think of all the girls as Slayers. To him, it would always be THE Slayer as opposed to A Slayer. And Faith had surprised them all by the way she had stepped so easily into the role of martial arts trainer. She was giving the girls an excellent foundation in both structured fighting and street fighting. The girls were coming along quite well.

And Wesley -- my goodness, how far that boy had come. It had never occurred to any of them when Buffy presented them with the concept of awakening the powers in all the Potentials that all the potential Watchers would be awakened as well. Wesley was now spearheading the effort to get them trained.

Things were going to be different this time. Better. With the help of a database, they were going to make Slayer/Watcher matches that would bolster the weaknesses and make the most of the strengths of both members of the teams. No more random pairings. Buffy had certainly taught him as much as he had taught her through the years. Not the least of which was that a Slayer didn't have to be set apart, isolated from friends. Buffy's friends had always been her strength. Even Spike. Who would have imagined that a vampire could be part of a Slayer's strength? And yet, some part of that strength seemed to have been left behind at the bottom of the crater with him.

He glanced at his watch as he entered his quarters. Ah, yes, perfect timing. He was so looking forward to hearing her voice. She had been out with Dawn when he'd called Friday. Xander said they had gone to the library and had plans for movie night. It sounded so normal. But then Xander had said she was still having the dreams and looked tired all the time. She didn't really seem to care about much of anything anymore. He'd so hoped the journal would help.

Giles took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose wearily after hanging up the phone. This was the second of his calls in a row that Buffy had missed -- avoided, he was now sure. He rang her up twice a week religiously. And for the first year, it seemed she had been waiting by the phone to pounce as soon as it rang. Ever since the anniversary, and the beginning of the dreams, however, more often than not there were excuses when Xander answered.

He flipped open his schedule minder to review his commitments for the next several days. The summer they had lost her he had felt so very old. Almost relieved, in a sense, that he could go home and just wait until it was his time. And hope he would see her again. And then they brought her back. He remembered coming through the door of the Magic Box and seeing her again. Remembered not quite knowing how to feel, flooded with emotions. Relief, confusion, fear, love, all overshadowed by the despair and emptiness of the last four and a half months. Then she turned to look into his eyes and all he could feel was her. The daughter of his heart was hugging him -- very tightly. Was that a rib that had just cracked? He tried to pull away.

"You're alive. You're here. And you're still... remarkably strong."

"Huh? Oh. Sorry."

"Willow told me, but I didn't really let myself believe..."

"I take a little getting used to. I'm still getting used to me."

"It's, uh... you're..." He ran out of words.

"A miracle?"

"Yes. But then, I always thought so."

The Watcher blinked, glanced over at the clock and realized he had been sitting motionless for quite some time. He brought his attention back to the page open before him. Flipping several days ahead, he nodded decisively and picked the phone up to book a flight back to the States. She wan't really in need of a Watcher any longer, but perhaps he could be more helpful to her if he were in closer proximity. He wouldn't be able to stay for long, but he needed to try. For his own sake as much as hers.

Chapter 5:

Photographs

The crater that had been Sunnydale seemed to pulse in time with her heartbeat. Almost two years and still very little had started to grow on the land. There were a few brave shoots of grass and some weeds, but even those looked sickly, like the ground couldn't nourish them properly. As she stood gazing out across the vast expanse, it began to bulge in the middle, where the Hellmouth had been. She stared in fascination and horror as suddenly blood -- it couldn't be blood, could it? -- burst from the bulge and flowed toward her. Then Spike was there, as sexy and disturbing as ever, but without the cockiness. He was holding his arms out to her, beckoning, walking slowly toward her on the flowing blood. "Come, pet, come see how it ended. We did this together, you and I. Come see."

She reached toward him... oh, to be safe in his arms again. That night seemed so long ago. But she couldn't move her feet and he was fading. "Spike, wait. Don't go. I need you." He smiled gently and waited. She walked toward him sure she wouldn't get to him before he faded away as he had all the other times. Suddenly she was there, in his arms -- safe, content, whole.

Reluctantly, Buffy opened her eyes and found herself back in her room in Glenville. "No," she whimpered, "come back. I need you." And again she cried, this time for the loss of something she had dreamed was once more within her reach. Once the storm exhausted itself, she reached for her journal because this time it was different. This time she could remember all the details. They hadn't faded immediately. Maybe it was important. As she finished the entry, she found herself straining to capture the details of his face in her mind.

The dream was clear, but he wasn't anymore. Her memory of him was fading. This started the tears once again. Somehow it wasn't fair. There were no pictures, no mementos of Sunnydale. Nothing had survived. None of them had even imagined that all of Sunnydale would vanish, they hadn't taken the time to collect up the little physical reminders people take when they leave a place for the last time. They all thought that the survivors would be returning to the house and that everyone would come back to Sunnydale to pick up their lives where they had left off -- without the Hellmouth. They'd even talked, albeit jokingly, about going to the mall the next day.

Willow casually glanced in to say hello on her way down the hall, "Hey, Buff--" and paused at the door. "Buffy, what's wrong?" She came in and sat on the edge of the bed and gently held her as she cried.

"I can't remember," she sobbed.

"Can't remember what's wrong?" Willow was confused.

"No. I'm starting to forget him. Forget Spike. I can remember how amazingly blue his eyes were, but I can't quite remember the shape of the scar in his eyebrow. I can't remember how he looked at me. I can't remember--" She dissolved once again into tears.

Willow thought for a few seconds and then inspiration struck. "Oh, hey! I can fix that. Wow, finally something I can fix. Come out to the computer, Buffy. Come see what I can do." Willow drew her off the bed by the hand and out to the computer. Buffy sank into the chair next to her and stared off into space as Willow logged onto the internet and did a quick search. Suddenly, there he was. William the Bloody. Looking out of the screen at her, with that eyebrow cocked sardonically, head down a bit, eyes looking up. The clothes were different, and the hair, but she could see Spike.

"Now, let's see. If we--" Willow was mumbling under her breath as she imported the picture, opened a program to colorize it and started making changes. Buffy watched in stunned silence as HER Spike began to emerge. The platinum hair, change the style a little, ok a lot, the oh-so-intense blue eyes, even the leather duster. "There," Willow said, finally satisfied, and clicked print. She reached over to the printer, picked up the picture, looked at it for a moment, then passed it Buffy.

"It's perfect, Wil, thanks. It's--" She reached out and hugged Willow. "It's just perfect." She took the picture back to her room just to look at it for awhile and remember.

Willow smiled a little as she walked out to the workshop. Finally, she'd brought some joy to sad-Buffy. And it wasn't even all that hard. If only they could bring happy-Buffy back for good. "Hey, Xander. Guess what I did."

That night at dinner, there was a small package waiting at Buffy's place. "Present? For me? How come?"

Xander said, "Just open it. It goes with what Willow gave you this morning."

With a puzzled little wrinkle in her forehead, Buffy unwrapped the frame. It was made of rich, beautiful wood and trimmed in (what else) black leather. "Oh, Xander," she breathed, "It's gorgeous, perfect. Thank you. I'll just go put the picture in it. I'll be right back."

While she was gone, Willow turned to Xander, "Since when have you become all Spike-accepting? Did I miss something here?"

Dawn looked up. "Spike? What about Spike?"

Xander sheepishly looked at Willow. "I miss the way he made her smile and laugh. I even miss the way they used to fight. I guess I just miss the way he made her FEEL. She seems like she's sleepwalking most of the time these days. I figured if this helped, I'm more than willing to contribute. Sometimes, I even regret not giving him a chance. After all, if she could see so much in him, there must have been something, right?"

"If what helped? What are you guys talking about? Willow, what did you give Buffy? And what does it have to do with Spike?"

Willow smiled back at Xander. "It's about time you got with the program, Harris." Xander smiled wryly back.

"GUYS!!!"

Willow and Xander jumped at Dawn's yell just as Buffy walked back in the room carrying the now-framed picture. "Dawnie, what's the matter?"

"They won't tell me what's going on. What did Willow give you? What did Xander do that was perfect? What picture? And what does any of this have to do with Spike?"

Buffy silently handed the picture to Dawn. "Ohhhhhhhhh..... you're right. It's perfect." Tears came to her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away. There'd already been too many tears. She handed it back to Buffy. "I miss him, too." The sisters hugged and rocked each other for a moment, then broke apart and sat back in their respective places. "Will you print me one too, Wil?"

"Sure, Dawn. Right after dinner."

Chapter 6:

And Memories

Out on patrol that night, Buffy found herself in an unfamiliar part of one of the cemetaries that she'd come to know so well since they moved here. She looked up to find herself in front of a crypt that bore an uncanny resemblance to Spike's old crypt in Sunnydale. Her hand came up to rest on the door. She closed her eyes and remembered.

The night they met in the alley behind the Bronze. He'd called her "love" even then.

She saw him in the church with Angel and Drusilla. "I'd rather be fightin' you anyway."

When he'd offered to help her defeat Angel, she'd told him she hated him and he'd ansered, "And I'm all you've got." Ugh, and the awkwardness of that evening with her mother.

Newly-chipped Spike tied to the chair at Thanksgiving.

Spike chained up in the bathtub, sipping blood through a straw.

Standing in the sunlight wearing the Gem of Amara, beautiful blue eyes sparkling... with hatred.

On his knees, looking up at her, eyes full of love, proposing...........

She crumpled to the ground in tears, yet again. Suddenly, knifing through the agony, she sensed a presence -- vampire. And nearby. She wiped her eyes and turned, surreptitiously palming the stake from her pocket. Another fledgling. Seemed like they were all fledglings these days. As it dove for her, she pulled out the stake and let it impale itself and turn to dust. *How boring! I miss the challenge.* She stood, shook off the dust and looked around. Nothing else moving. Time for home... and bed.

She wandered around her room after showering, trailing her fingers over things. Familiar and yet not. She missed her old things, her old house, her old town... *What am I thinking? I MISS Sunnydale?* She poked at the feeling a little more. No, it wasn't Sunnydale that she missed. It was the familiarity. She missed patrolling with her friends, stopping for a mocha on the way home. She even missed the house crowded with Potentials the way it was at the end. She missed slipping down to the basement for a few minutes of quiet time with Spike. Spike -- there it was. She missed Spike.

How could she have been so blind? She had told Angel that she didn't love Spike, but admitted that he was in her heart. She thought it was just that he'd been part of her life for so long -- first fighting each other, then both of them fighting the demons, then finally fighting together. Side by side, back to back, truly together. She picked up the frame holding the picture Willow had printed for her that morning and gazed into his eyes. At last, she was ready to admit it. She loved Spike. She had said it to him there in the school, but she hadn't meant it, not really. And he had known. But now she did. And he'd never know.

Chapter 7:

The Four Wishes

Giles stepped off the plane in Cleveland and headed for the baggage claim. He hadn't told anyone he was coming this time so there would be no welcoming committee. After collecting his bag, he proceeded to the rental counter to claim the car he had reserved. The drive to Glenville was actually quite pleasant ordinarily, but this time he was merely impatient to be there. To see Buffy and reassure himself that she was all right. Deep down, he knew she wasn't, but he didn't think he was ready to face that yet. He pulled into the driveway, stepped out of the car and stretched. *Perhaps I should have called. Oh well, what's done is done.* He followed the pathway around to the workshop. Getting the lay of the land from Xander first seemed like a good idea.

Xander was expertly applying the last coat of urethane to the wood on the bench in front of him. He tipped his head to make sure the finish was smooth and even. Suddenly, he felt like he was being watched. He started to turn toward the door and picked up a hammer that was always nearby. It was a Hellmouth, couldn't be too careful. He grinned in delighted surprise. "Giles! G-Man, hey it's good to see you! Why didn't you call? We'd have met you in Cleveland! Hey, have you seen Buffy yet? We gotta tell Buffy you're here. She'll be so..." He trailed off realizing he didn't know how Buffy was going to react when she saw her Watcher.

"Yes, well, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. Just how is Buffy?"

"Um... she's..." Xander sighed, "She's in pretty bad shape, Giles. But you knew that or you wouldn't be here, would you?"

"I feared that was the case. Is it the dreams?"

"Partly. She tries to sleep, has a dream, then doesn't want to try to go back to sleep because she's afraid she'll have it again. So she stays up all night watching infomercials and old movies on television. She says it reminds her of --" He stopped abruptly, not sure how much Giles knew about Buffy's feelings for Spike.

"Spike." Giles met Xander's eyes and nodded. "She's finally discovered she was in love with him all along, hasn't she?"

Xander just bowed his head. Willow came around the corner then calling, "Xan-der, phone. It's Mrs. Travis. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't you know you had -- Giles, wow! Hi! You're here! Well, I mean, obviously, you're here, but um... why? Not that it's not great, it's great, but confused here." Giles gathered her in for a hug. They held each other for a long moment.

"Come to give Buffy what-for for avoiding your calls, huh?"

"Not exactly. But I did figure that part out. Where is she?"

"Inside. Getting ready to patrol. I think Dawnie's going with her tonight. Since last week, one of us has tried to go with her every night."

"Really, why?"

"She found a part of one of the cemetaries that we hadn't fully explored and there was a crypt in it that reminded her of --" She stopped abruptly and looked at Xander for guidance.

Xander and Giles both said "Spike."

"He knows, Wil. I'm gonna go catch the phone and keep Buffy from leaving until you can say hi."

"I'll ask you the same question I asked Xander. Just how is Buffy?"

Willow was silent so long that Giles thought perhaps she wasn't going to answer. Finally, she raised her eyes to his and said, "Broken. She has these horrible dreams that she won't tell us about and she cries a lot. She tries to avoid sleeping at night and she sort of sleepwalks through the days. But if you ask her, she'll say she's fine. She misses him, Giles. Spike. We all do, but she was in love with him and he was a part of her."

Giles took his glasses off and began cleaning them. "You all miss him?"

Willow looked a little uncomfortable, but then decided to be honest. "Yes, Giles. We all do. You know Dawnie always loved him like a big brother. They spent a lot of time together, especially the summer that Buffy was um... gone. And I think Xander misses the way Spike kinda, you know, poked at him, but they still respected each other in a neither-one-of-us-can-have-Buffy way. And I developed a little of a soft spot for him that night right after he first got chipped and couldn't bite me, you know? But more than anything, we all miss the way he made Buffy smile -- all the way up to her eyes. She doesn't do that anymore. It barely even makes it to her mouth most days."

"Yes, well... hard as it is for me to admit it, I miss him too. For all the reasons you mentioned and a few you didn't. But that's not going to help our Buffy, is it?" They walked arm in arm along the pathway back to the front of the house and inside for awkward hugs and difficult silences. Then Buffy collected Dawn with a glance and they went out to patrol.

While the girls were out patrolling, Giles took the time to read the journal Buffy had been keeping. Goodness, such a vivid dream. He wondered idly what a psychiatrist woule make of it, but realized that Buffy was correct. That was just not a possibility. When they returned, Buffy headed straight for the shower and Giles finally had an opportunity to talk to Dawn alone. Again, he asked the same question and got very much the same answer. Then Dawn ran for her room in tears. Giles sat quietly in the living room waiting for Buffy.

*Damn. If there were any justice in this world, she'd have what she needs to be happy.*

Xander ran his hand along the edge of the gleaming wood as he stared into space. *I wish there was a way for Buffy to have what she needs to be happy. After everything she's done for the world, she certainly deserves it.*

Willow stared at her monitor waiting for the computer to finish shutting down so that she could go to bed. *If only I could use all that magick to find a way to give Buffy what she needs to be happy. She has a right to it after all she's been through.*

Dawn threw herself on her bed and turned the stereo up to cover her sobs. *It's just not fair. We're all ok except for her. She's hurting. And none of us can do anything about it. She needs Spike. He's the only one who was always able to make her laugh, even when she didn't want to. I wish he could be here for her now. He'd make her happy.*

D'Hoffryn listened in stunned amazement as four heartfelt desires made themselves known. All in the name of justice and what's right. He knew he had to find a way to grant them. It was, after all, his calling. But it wasn't going to be easy. What they were asking was almost out of reach -- almost beyond even his powers. He thought perhaps he could find a way. The Slayer was going to have to work for it though. She was going to have to be willing to reach out. A smile began to appear as he set things in motion.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

Chapter 8:

A Scooby Meeting

They gathered in the living room, and it was almost like old times. Almost. Except there was no sardonic wit from the "cellar dweller" as he used to call himself. There were no unexpected revelations about Xander's performance the night before. There was no gentle, quiet presence next to Willow. And no Mom in the kitchen trying to ignore the topic of the meeting in the living room while she made hot chocolate.

She and Giles had agreed it was time to let the gang in on the dreams. They all knew about them and how she was the day after. It just remained to share the details. When Buffy finished, everyone in the room just sat in stunned silence. Together, Xander and Willow spoke, "What --"

They looked at each other and in unison said "Go ahead."

And again in stereo "No, you. No, you."

Dawn watched the exchange, shook her head and sighed in exasperation. *How did they ever solve anything?* She caught Giles' eye and quietly, but clearly, asked "What does it mean?"

Willow and Xander subsided and waited anxiously for the answer. "I wish I knew. Oftentimes, dreams don't necessarily mean anything -- just a means of expressing the stresses of day to day life. On the other hand, being the Slayer, Buffy has been known to have dreams that are more like visions, or prophesies, if you will."

"So, how do we find out which they are?" Buffy's voice seemed strained, like the answer was the most important thing she could hear. And perhaps it was.

Giles heaved a heavy sigh, reached up for his glasses and began polishing them with his handkerchief. "It's time for a road trip, I fear." They all exchanged long looks.

Finally, Dawn broke the uncomfortable silence. "To where?"

Buffy closed her eyes in resignation. "Sunnydale. We have to go back." Willow and Xander's hands found each other and held on tight.

The next couple of weeks went by in a blur. It was agreed that if any of them were going, all of them should. This meant that Giles would need to go back to England to wrap up a few things so that he could be away for a longer period of time. When he returned, he would be bringing Faith and Robin with him. He didn't know what was ahead in California, but he intended to have the entire home team, as it were, assembled. The trio would fly directly from England to Los Angeles and Buffy's household would meet them there. Then, after spending the night, they would rent a passenger van and drive to the crater that once was Sunnydale.

As the departure date drew closer, Buffy's dreams became more frequent and more vivid. There was never anything more to them, though, much to her frustration. *What are you trying to tell me, Spike? What are we facing?*

Chapter 9:

Welcome to Sunnydale

They were all tired and edgy. Part of it was jetlag combined with the fact that none of them had slept well the night before. But mainly, it was the stress of not knowing what was ahead. They were all convinced there was trouble brewing. Could the Hellmouth beneath the crater be reopening? And if so, what horrors did it hold in store for them this time?

They were still about twenty miles from Sunnydale when Dawn reached over to grab Buffy's arm, "Buff, look." She pointed at a billboard on the side of the road. Buffy glanced up disinterestedly, expecting to see an advertisement for yet another one of those roadside greasy spoons. Suddenly, her attention was riveted. There was the crater from her dream, bulging, pulsing, bleeding, on a billboard emblazoned with the words "Come to Sunnydale -- Look Through Gates of Hell".

Buffy choked out a strangled cry that startled Giles from his half-dozing state. "That's it! Oh God -- that's it, that's my dream."

Giles looked around at the girls and then followed their eyes. Faith chimed in "Whoa, B. If you're dreamin' shit like that, you gotta stop eatin' so much Ben and Jerry's before bed." Xander slowed down and they all gaped in astonishment.

"A tourist attraction? Now who the bloody hell would turn a Hellmouth into a tourist attraction? What could they possibly have been thinking?" Giles was furiously cleaning his already spotless lenses once again.

Xander just silently swallowed and took the vehicle back up to speed. Startled, Willow looked over at him, "Xander! What are you doing? Should we really still be headed this way? I mean, Giles? Shouldn't we, like, go back and do some research or something? Anything? Please? Because I, for one, don't think we're prepared for this."

Giles put a soothing hand on Willow's shoulder. "No, no, we must first take a look if we're to have some idea of where to begin. We'll just go on and take a quick look around. Then we can go back for help if necessary before we tackle er, um, whatever it is we're to be tackling."

Dawn was working hard to calm Buffy, who just kept repeating "That's my dream" over and over as the tears streamed down her face. At last, she focused on Dawn and said "Do you think he'll be there? Do you think we'll find Spike?"

Dawn's heart broke a little more at the hope that had begun to gleam in Buffy's eyes. All of them had long since accepted that Spike was gone. He'd turned to dust and that dust had been buried under the rubble of the school as it caved in on him. It had been almost two years now. But wait, "Guys? What's today's date?"

"It's the nineteenth, no, better make that the twentieth. I always lose track coming across the ocean that way. Why do you ask, Dawn?

"The twentieth?" she squeaked. "Don't any of you get it? It's been exactly two years today."

They all looked at each other, but Giles summed it up quite well when he murmured "Oh, dear."

Five miles from their destination, the number of cars seemed to increase dramatically. By two miles out, they were sitting in bumper to bumper traffic that was reminiscent of the exodus from Sunnydale in those last days before the final battle. Finally, about a mile away, they came to a gate. The attendant leaned out of the booth and said "Do you have an advance booking for your group?"

Xander glanced around at the others and then turned back and replied "No, we were just out for a drive and thought we'd take in the sights."

"Well, you sure picked a nice day for it. How many are you? Seven? Ordinarily, that would be $35, but I'll let you go with the carpool rate of $20. Just don't tell Willy. He'll have my head for cutting into the profits."

Giles silently handed Xander $20, which he passed to the attendant. A ticket was passed through the window along with a map explaining the parking areas. "Thanks, folks. Have a nice visit and come back real soon." He opened the gate and Xander drove on.

"Willy! I should have known that weasel would find a way to make a buck out of this." Buffy was furious. They were now pulling into the parking lot designated for groups and they were all looking around at the many chartered buses parked in rows, some labeled with names of churches and schools. "Incredible, absolutely incredible."

They climbed out and stretched, then headed toward the crater. Buffy was torn between hoping her dream would come true and hoping it wouldn't. She so wanted to see Spike again, to know he was all right, but she feared what it might mean if the Hellmouth was reopening. As they got closer, she realized the billboard was just hype. The crater was exactly as they had left it. Empty, barren.

There were tour guides scattered around the perimeter giving obviously memorized, and mostly fictional, accounts of the last days of Sunnydale to the interested tourists. The church groups were easy to spot. There were shouted amens and other exclamations of praise. The school groups all seemed to be carrying notepads and were frantically scribbling down every word the tour guides uttered. Buffy and the others moved off to an area away from the crowds and quietly stared down into the crater. Each of them said their silent farewells once again. All of them were touching at least one other member of the group to find some comfort. Almost as one, they turned away and started back toward the parking lot.

"Do you think we ought to find Willy and put a stop to this nonsense?" Giles asked.

Buffy shrugged, "Why bother? He'd just find some other stupid thing to do that would cause worse trouble. This seems to be fairly harmless."

"True enough."

They reached the van and began getting in one by one. Buffy turned back for one last look. *Goodbye, Spike. Thank you. And I DO love you. I always did. I just didn't know it.* A single tear slipped down her cheek as she turned to get into the van and bumped into someone approaching the bus next to them. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see--" Her apology trailed off as she looked up into familiar sparkling blue eyes. Her heart skipped a beat. "Spike?" she managed, and then she fainted.

Chapter 11:

The Long Way Home, Part 1

This time when Buffy came around, she was lying in the van and only Dawn was with her. "Dawn? Where are the others? What happened?" Images flashed through her mind ending with his eyes. Oh so blue. "Spike? It isn't Spike, is it? But his eyes are the same. I don't understand what's going on. He said his name was William. Dawnie, it's not my imagination, is it? He looks like him, doesn't he?"

Dawn sighed and nodded, "Feels like him too. When I hugged him, I mean. It felt like hugging Spike. No, wait, it felt like Spike's body, but it didn't feel like Spike was in there, you know?"

They looked at each other for a moment in silence. Finally, Dawn shrugged. "Giles'll figure it out. He always does. I think William's group already left. The others went with him to try to find them. He said he's spending the summer travelling all over the country seeing all the stuff he's always wanted to. His next stop is Vegas and then the Grand Canyon. After that, he said he was going to Colorado. And then St. Louis to see the Arch and then the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Graceland and th...."

"Um, Dawn," Buffy cut her off, "do we really need to know all this? We're headed home and he's going to go do his thing and we'll probably never see him again."

"Well...."

"What? Spill it."

"Giles kind of offered him a ride since they think his tour bus already left."

"He what?! Why? Can't he just catch another bus?"

"Giles felt bad. William was so worried about you that he probably missed his group leaving. He even missed his tour of the Hellmouth." Buffy shot her a look at that, and Dawn had the grace to look sheepish. "He's a really nice guy, Buffy. He's an English professor, and he studies rocks and earthquakes and stuff too. Plus he's cute, Spike-cute, don't you think?"

"That's the problem, Dawn. I can't look at him and not think about Spike. I'll keep expecting him to BE Spike. I'm afraid I'll act like he IS Spike, or worse, act like I used to act toward Spike. Plus what about all the Slayer stuff. If he's some uptight English professor, he'll totally get the wiggins if he sees any of that."

"So we don't tell him. We just give him a ride and act like normal people on vacation for a little while. How bad could that be? I think we all deserve a vacation. It's been a long couple of years, you know?" Dawn hoped she wouldn't have to eat her words, but she didn't have any more time to soothe Buffy's concerns. The group was back.

"Ah, good. Buffy, how are you feeling? I think it best we get away from here. It's been quite an emotional day and I think some distance might be what's needed to bring an end to these er... rather uncharacteristic fainting spells of yours." Giles climbed into the driver's seat and put the key into the ignition.

"Shotgun!" Dawn yelled and leapt into the front passenger seat. Xander and Willow quickly clambered to the back to claim the wide seat across the back. Faith and Robin followed to settle in together in the next seat forward. Buffy sat up and found herself face to face with William. He ducked his head a bit to step into the van and looked up at her through his lashes. She felt a jolt as she looked into his eyes once again. *So much like Spike.* She slid over and he made himself comfortable next to her as Giles pulled out of the space and joined the line leaving the Hellmouth.

"Next stop, food."

After the first twenty minutes or so, Buffy found herself relaxing into the conversation that had been going on around her. Everyone else seemed to be having no trouble accepting William, and he, too, appeared to be comfortable with her friends. *Never thought I'd see the day the gang would get along so well with Spike. No, not Spike. Just someone who looks and sounds like Spike. Not Spike. Spike is gone. Spike is dead. This guy is probably just some long lost relative or something. But NOT Spike.* Her eyes misted over. William noticed and reached out to touch her arm.

"You all right then?" he asked softly. "Not in any pain or anything, are you?"

Buffy looked down at his hand resting lightly on her arm. *Even feels like Spike. That same tingle.* "No, I'm fine, thanks. Just thinking a little too much." She smiled ruefully as he gave her arm a light squeeze before releasing it. She shook her head to push the memories away and tried to focus on what was going on around her.

"So, Giles, where are we headed?"

"I'd heard there was a ghost town called Calico near Barstow. I thought we might stop in for a look. We'll spend the night in Las Vegas? Is that acceptable to everyone?"

"A ghost town??" Buffy was sure she'd never understand her Watcher.

"A ghost town, you say? That sounds fascinating." William looked so interested that Buffy didn't have the heart to shoot down the idea. After all, as Dawn said, he had missed his tour bus because he was worried about her. Perhaps she did owe him that much at least. "I do appreciate your generosity in allowing me to travel along with you. I'm was terribly surprised my tour group abandoned me that way. You can be sure they'll be getting quite a scathing letter." Buffy stared at him thinking of how Spike would have threatened to rip their hearts out or something, this was definitely the anti-Spike -- a scathing letter, wow, scary.

"It's our pleasure. Least we could do under the circumstances." Giles couldn't help studying their passenger in the rear view mirror. The resemblance was uncanny and yet he was so genteel, so polite, so unlike the Spike that he and Robin had conspired to eliminate to protect Buffy.

"You said you're an English professor, William? Where do you teach?" Robin inquired.

"I'm on sabbatical for the moment. Felt it was time to do a spot of travelling, expand my horizons."

"And you picked Sunnydale?" Faith couldn't resist the dig.

"Well, yes. You see, seismology and geology are two of my hobbies, as I was telling Dawn earlier."

"But Sunnydale doesn't have anything to do with --" Willow jabbed Xander in the ribs.

"Really? What other hobbies do you have?" she asked, far too brightly.

"I read a good bit, goes with the job, you know. And I enjoy music and old movies."

Buffy drifted off listening to the others discussing books. Definitely not her favourite subject. She awoke when they pulled off into the parking lot of a roadside diner. After an uninspiring burger and fries, they reboarded the van for the short side trip to the ghost town. William seemed to truly enjoy exploring the few deserted buildings left standing. The others looked at each other and privately smiled at how easily tourists could be taken in. At last, his curiosity satisfied, William was ready to press on, and the group headed for the temptations of Las Vegas.

They pulled in sometime after dark and oohed and ahhed over the bright lights and flashing marquees. Little time was wasted agreeing on one of the many buffets and they headed through the casino. As they wove their way between the slot machines, someone hit a jackpot and the coins began dropping into the tray loudly while the bells rang.

"Wow! All that money! Anya would have loved this. Oh-- sorry, Xander." Willow reached to put a comforting hand on his shoulder as she realized what she had said.

"'s ok. I was just thinking the same thing," he smiled back at her.

Dinner itself was, for the most part, uneventful. Buffy was a little surprised to discover that William preferred bland foods to spicy, and well done meat to rare, until she took a moment to consider that she was expecting him to have Spike's tastes. *This isn't Spike. Same color eyes, yes. Same build, yes. But that mousy brown hair, that timid nature. So NOT Spike.*

"So, uh, we kinda have an announcement," Faith said over dessert.

"What? You two finally decide to end the 'who's prettier' debate?" Xander couldn't resist asking.

"Something like that. We're going to fly back to England from here in a few days. We-- well, seeing Sunnydale again made us realize how short life can be and we've decided to get married. Here. Tomorrow." Robin looked from face to face to see how everyone was going to react.

"You what?" Giles exclaimed. "Why that's bloody marvelous! Good show, old man. I'm delighted."

William smiled shyly and offered his hand to each of them in turn. "All the best. A wedding, how lovely."

"You guys'll stick around for the wedding right? Wouldn't be the same without you. You're invited too, William. Give you a chance to see how nice this group cleans up." Faith grinned.

Buffy was speechless, but she could see Faith wasn't going to let her get out of this. Willow was already hugging her and answering for them all. "Of course we'll stay. Ooh, hey, shopping opportunity, huh, Dawnie?"

"Married??" Dawn was squealing. "Wow! That's great! What are you gonna wear Faith? And is Giles gonna give you away?"

Xander clapped Robin on the back. "All the best, man. I still wish I'd followed through when I had the chance."

Buffy still sat in silence, unable to decide how she felt. She was glad that Robin and Faith had found each other. They'd do well together -- each strong enough to keep the other in check, like she and Spike had been. She had a quick image of herself in a wedding dress, on Giles' arm, looking up the aisle of a room filled with her friends, at a gently smiling Spike, resplendant in a tuxedo. Her eyes filled with tears and she got up and ran from the table. Giles watched her exit and shook his head with a sigh, "Oh, dear."

Next