Where the Heart is 1

~Buffy comes back after Season 5 to find Spike very attached to Dawn but avoiding her completely. Must have Buffy admitting she is interested/loves Spike in public. Spike on a motorcycle. Anya flirting with another guy and Xander having a jealousy attack and kissing Tara in the midst of it all. **But I want a sad ending!!**--Make me cry!! I wouldn't mind it long and angsty.~

This killed me to write because I'm a sucker for a happy ending, but I did it. Hope you like it.

Rating: NC-17

Where The Heart Is…

Dawn and Spike were sitting in his crypt across from each other. Dawn had just finished telling him that Buffy was back. She tried to read the emotions on his face, but mostly all she saw was shock. She waited expectantly for him to say something.

"Well? Aren't you gonna say anything?" She asked.

"What should I say? This is insane!" He snapped angrily, rising to his feet.

He began to pace around his crypt anxiously, running his hands through his hair. Dawn looked at him confused at his reaction.

"Spike, what's wrong? I thought you'd be thrilled." She said confused.

He turned to face her sharply.

"Thrilled? Are you mad? This is a huge mistake. People are not supposed to come back from the dead. It's wrong." He said agitatedly.

Dawn looked at him pointedly.

"You came back from the dead."

"That's different. I'm a vampire. Buffy isn't. I just can't believe this." He said, slumping down in his chair.

A million and one thoughts were going through his head. He was thrilled to hear she was back. It was like one of his many dreams come true. But then there was the fact that she might not be right. Resurrections were taboo. Things went wrong. They always went wrong. He looked at Dawn.

"Is she alright? I mean, is she really Buffy?" He asked softly.

"Yeah. I mean, she's a little wigged, and kind of confused and all, but it's Buffy." Dawn said eagerly, hoping he was coming around.

"Why would they do this? I mean, things were finally starting to make sense again. And now…." Spike said softly, lost in his own thoughts.

"You don't want her back?" Dawn asked quietly.

"Of course I do. I just…Losing her was so hard. I don't think I could even look at her." He admitted.

"I know. It was hard, but she's back. We don't have to be sad anymore." Dawn said hopefully.

"You just don't understand, Dawn. I don't want to see her. I can't see her. It'll just be too hard." He said shaking his head.

Dawn looked at him startled. She assumed that he would have run out of his crypt so fast to see Buffy, that she would have been left in the wake. The way he was acting now was so strange and unexpected. She walked over and touched his arm.

"Spike, you have to see her. She was asking about you." Dawn said softly.

"She was asking about me?"

"Yeah. She wanted to know if you were still around. I told her how you've been looking out for me. She seemed real glad to hear it." Dawn said, trying to cheer him up.

He looked at her desperately. He wanted to see Buffy so bad it was hurting, but he knew seeing her wouldn't make anything easier. She still didn't love him, and she never would. He was afraid that if he saw her, he'd do something stupid like start crying and try and kiss her.

He couldn't handle her cold rejection again. Plus he didn't want her to know how poofy he had become. He cried all the time like a bloody girl. If she saw that side of him, he'd never hear the end of it. It was best to just try and distance himself from the whole situation. It's not like she'd really care anyway.

"No. I don't want to see her." He said firmly. "But you should get back now. We don't want everyone to worry about you."

She looked at him sadly. She hadn't been prepared for this reaction at all. A tear fell from her face and he reached out and wiped it away.

"Don't cry, Niblet." He soothed her.

"But, I just don't understand. I thought you loved her?" She asked.

"I do. But it's complicated. I just can't be around her right now." He explained as he pushed the hair out of her eyes softly.

"But why not?"

"Because. I just think it'd be best if I kept my distance. You know she doesn't love me, Dawn. Just because she's back doesn't mean anything has changed for us. I'd just rather not make a fool of myself with her anymore." He explained quietly.

"We're still gonna be friends, right? I mean, you aren't gonna avoid me too, are you?" She asked sadly.

"Of course we're still friends. This has nothing to do with you. I just need some time to think, is all. Now, go on. Get home." He told her, attempting a smile.

"Okay." She said reluctantly.

She walked out of the crypt and headed home. The sun was just starting to go down, and she knew she needed to walk fast. Spike had taught her how to fight while Buffy was gone. He wanted her to be able to defend herself. He had to admit, she was pretty good, but not as good as Buffy, of course.

Dawn was prepared to fight if she had too, but she'd rather just get home before the creatures started crawling out of their holes. It was easier that way. Luckily, they obliged her. She made her way up the steps and into her house.

Buffy was sitting in the living room with Willow, talking quietly. She looked up when Dawn came in, and frowned when she noticed that she was alone.

"Where's Spike?" Buffy asked curiously.

"He, uh…Well, he… He didn't want to come." Dawn said awkwardly.

"What?"

"He doesn't want to see you, Buffy." Dawn admitted softly.

Buffy felt her heart wrench. He didn't want to see her? She couldn't have heard that right. She looked at Dawn incredulously.

"He doesn't want to see me?" She asked.

Dawn shook her head sadly.

"Oh." Was all that Buffy could manage.

This little bit of information was hurting her a lot more than it should. Until this moment, she wasn't actually aware that she had been so eager to see him. Willow touched Buffy's arm, sensing her hurt feelings.

"I'm sure he has a good reason. He probably just doesn't know what to say." Willow offered her sympathetically.

Buffy shook away the wounded emotions and looked at Dawn.

"Oh well. It's not like I really cared or anything. I was just gonna thank him for looking out for you. But, now I see that I don't need to bother." She said with feigned disinterest.

Dawn looked at her and tried to tell if she was bothered or not. It seemed like she was hurting, but Dawn wasn't sure. She just wished she understood why Spike was doing this.

"I'm gonna go upstairs. Are we gonna order pizza later?" Dawn asked, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah Dawnie. Pepperoni?" Willow asked with a smile.

"Yeah, and extra cheese." Dawn added, as she walked up the stairs.

Buffy turned to Willow and started to say something. She stopped herself and shook her head.

"What? What is it?" Willow asked.

"Nothing. It's just…I mean…He doesn't want to see me?" Buffy asked, still full of surprise and hurt.

"Maybe he's just confused. It is all a little unsettling, I guess. He'll come around." Willow said as she patted Buffy's arm.

Willow was a little shocked herself. Spike had been miserable without Buffy around. She assumed he would come crashing through the door and grab her, the instant he found out. Not that she thought it was a smart idea to grab Buffy, but still. She thought he would have wanted to, at least.

"How was he while I was gone? I mean, did he care and stuff?" Buffy asked curiously.

"Yeah, he cared. He was a basket case at first. But then he got better. He took care of Dawn just like you asked. I think he even taught her how to fight." Willow told her.

"He taught her how to fight?" Buffy asked with irritation.

"Well, not to fight. More like defending herself. You know, just in case." Willow tried to recover.

"Still, I don't know if I like that idea or not." Buffy said shaking her head. Then she looked at Willow again. "You think he's over me? I mean, I was dead. Usually that's kinda final. Do you think he just doesn't want to see me cause he doesn't care anymore?"

"I don't know. It's not like I asked him or anything. Would that bother you if he was?" Willow asked curiously. Buffy was acting a little strange.

"No. I don't care. I mean, I was just wondering." Buffy shrugged, trying to act casual.

The truth was, it did bother her. A lot. Before she died, she was developing feelings for him. She didn't really have time to sort them out, or even think about it. But they were there. She kind of assumed now that she was back, they'd have a second chance to delve into those feelings a little deeper. She never even considered that he would have moved on already.

But she had been dead. She guessed it wasn't really fair to have expected him to hold her in his heart eternally. Especially, since they never even had a relationship. It still hurt her. She decided that she didn't care whether or not he wanted to see her. She was going to see him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Buffy walked briskly to Spike's crypt. She wasn't even sure what she was going to say to him. She just knew she needed to see him. She got to his door and threw it open. Just like old times… She thought to herself.

She walked into the room and saw him sitting in his chair. He stood up abruptly when he heard the sound of his door slamming open. He turned and saw a very alive, and very annoyed looking Buffy staring him down.

"So, you don't want to see me?" She asked, with her hands on her hips.

He just stared at her completely numb. He had been prepared with the knowledge that she was alive again, but seeing it with his own eyes was more heart wrenching than he anticipated.

"Don't you have anything to say?" She asked, irritated.

"My god…It's really you." He said in awe.

"Of course it's me." She glared at him.

He wiped at his eyes which were threatening to tear up. He would rather stake himself than let her see him crying. This was exactly why he didn't want to see her. Damn her for being so bloody stubborn! He thought to himself.

He pulled himself together and stood up straight. He was desperately trying to put on airs. He didn't want her to know how much she was affecting him.

"Well, glad to hear you're back. You seem pissed off as ever. Guess some things never change." He said coolly.

"I'm pissed because you're being an ass. Hello? I was resurrected from the grave, and you didn't even want to see me?" She snapped at him irritated.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to go running into your arms? Tell you how much I love you? Please. I'm over that. It was a phase. And well, you died." He shrugged.

This charade was going to kill him, but not as much as telling her the truth, would.

She stared at him amazed at his callousness. This didn't seem like the Spike she remembered just before she died. This was more like the old Spike. The one she despised.

"Oh, well glad to see that you got over your supposed undying devotion so quickly." She snapped.

"What can I say? I'm a pig, remember?" He said, lighting a cigarette.

"That's right. You are." She said crossing her arms angrily.

"It's not like it matters to you anyway, right? I rather thought you'd be pleased to know I'm not gonna be following you around like a wounded puppy dog anymore." He said, taking a deep drag on his cigarette.

"It doesn't matter to me. I can't believe I even came here." She said tossing her head back angrily.

"Why did you come?"

She looked at him and tried not to show any of the raw emotion she was feeling.

"I was going to thank you for looking after Dawn. But, I changed my mind. I've decided that I don't need you to look after her anymore. I'm back and I don't need you." She said glaring at him.

Her words stung him deeply, but he wouldn't let it show. Surely she wasn't suggesting that he not see Dawn anymore? There was no way he would agree to that.

"You never needed me. At least that's what you always said. But Dawn does need me." He told her.

"No. Dawn doesn't need you. Nobody needs you."

"I'm not gonna stop seeing her." He told her heatedly.

"We'll see about that. Just stay away from me and my sister." She said, turning on her heel and walking out the door.

She slammed it hard and stood just outside for a moment. Tears were running down her cheeks and she couldn't stop them. She had a multitude of emotions running through her. She felt anger, and sadness. She was also confused and hurt by his coldness.

She turned and walked slowly home, trying to shake the thoughts out of her head. She had more important things to worry about than this. She had just returned from the dead. This was not a priority, she tried to tell herself. Just forget about him and maybe he'll go away.

She walked into the house and crept upstairs. She knew Dawn was asleep and didn't want her to know that she had gone out. She opened her bedroom door quietly and flipped on the light.

Dawn was sitting on the bed waiting for her. Buffy jumped.

"Dawn! You scared me." She said, startled out of breath.

"Sorry. I just wondered where you went. I was starting to think you weren't actually back and it was all just a dream." Dawn said quietly.

Buffy sat on the bed next to her and put her arm around her. She stroked her hair softly.

"I'm sorry. I just needed some air." Buffy explained.

Dawn looked over at her.

"You went to see him, didn't you?"

Buffy sighed. She never could fool Dawn.

"Yeah. I did."

"What happened?"

"It was awful. He said he was over me and that it was just a stupid phase. He was so cold. I don't think I want you hanging around him anymore." Buffy told her seriously.

Dawn stood up and looked at Buffy, irritated.

"What? Just because he doesn't worship the ground you walk on anymore, I can't see him?" She asked bitterly.

"Dawn, he's not your friend. He's nobody's friend." Buffy said, trying to reach out to Dawn.

"No. You don't know him like I do. He is my friend. Did you tell him he can't see me?" She asked, moving away from Buffy.

"Yes."

"Well, what did he say?"

"He said that he wouldn't stop seeing you." Buffy admitted softly.

"Well, there you go. He is my friend. Just because you're not the most important thing in his life anymore, doesn't mean I'm not." Dawn said seriously.

"But Dawn, it's not right for you to be hanging around him. I don't know what he's thinking anymore."

"He's just confused and a little weirded out. He's still cool."

"He isn't cool. I never should have entrusted you to him in the first place." Buffy said shaking her head.

"But you did. He hasn't done anything wrong, except get over you. Isn't that what you wanted anyway?" Dawn asked her.

"Yes. But-."

"No. He hasn't done anything wrong therefore, he's still my friend. My best friend. I won't stop seeing him." Dawn said folding her arms across her chest.

Buffy looked at Dawn and sighed. She was stubborn just like she was. It was a startling look at herself and it pained her. She relented.

"Fine. You can see him. But I don't like it."

"Don't worry Buffy. He cares about me. He'd never hurt me." Dawn reassured her.

"I know." She said softly.

I used to think he cared about me like that too… She thought to herself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Weeks went by and Buffy was trying to get back into the paces of a normal life. She and her friends were becoming closer again. At a time like this, she needed them desperately. Still, she couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Some important part of her life wasn't right.

Every time she thought about it, her thoughts would drift to Spike. She tried relentlessly to push his face out of her mind, but it was difficult. It didn't help matters that he was sitting in her living room, as she walked through the front door.

He was sitting on the couch with Dawn watching television. Buffy felt her heart stop at the sight of the two of them together, laughing and talking. She cleared her throat loudly.

"Dawnie? What's he doing here?" Buffy asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"We were just watching Dawson's Creek." Dawn said shrugging.

She was relieved that Buffy continued to allow her to hang out with Spike, but it was clear she wasn't thrilled that he was at their house.

"Well, watch it somewhere else." Buffy said glaring at Spike.

"My TV is broken." Spike offered without even looking at Buffy.

"Notice me not caring." Buffy said sarcastically.

"Buffy, you said we could hang out and stuff. So we're hanging. Why don't you just go upstairs?" Dawn said, getting irritated.

"When I said you could see him, I meant away from here. Far away from here." Buffy explained quickly.

Spike stood up and looked at Dawn.

"Listen, Niblet. We'll watch it another time. I should go anyway." He said uncomfortably.

"Good idea." Buffy said with a smile.

"No. We're just getting to the good parts. You can't leave now." Dawn protested.

"You can tell me what happens. See you soon." He said with a smile.

He then pushed past Buffy and headed out the door without another word. Buffy gave Dawn a satisfied look. Dawn only glared at her.

"Happy now? You've ruined my whole evening." Dawn said, fighting back tears.

"I don't want him here. He's rude and obnoxious." Buffy said defensively.

"Not to me. The only reason he's so obnoxious to you, is because you're a bitch to him." Dawn said angrily.

Her words stung Buffy and she tried to fight back the tears that sprung to her eyes.

"Don't talk to me like that." Buffy choked out.

"It's true. If you hadn't of been so mean to him, none of this would have happened." Dawn said crossing her arms.

"I wasn't mean to him. You have no idea what's going on. Before I died, we were getting along. Now all of a sudden, he hates me again. How am I supposed to react to that? The only reason I'm acting like a bitch is because he deserves it." Buffy said with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Why do you care if he hates you?"

"Because! It hurts me. He hurts me. Seeing him with you, hurts me." Buffy said sadly.

Dawn heard the pain in Buffy's voice. Suddenly, she wasn't sure herself what was going on. Her hard look softened and she raised her eyes to meet Buffy's.

"Are you in love with him?" She asked softly.

Buffy felt a sob catch in her throat and looked away from Dawn.

"Yes." She whispered, barely audible.

Dawn couldn't believe her ears. Buffy was in love with Spike. Spike still loved Buffy. And everything was being ruined because they were both so pig headed and stubborn, that neither would admit their feelings.

Dawn went over and touched Buffy's arm.

"Buffy…" She started.

"No. It doesn't matter Dawn. He hates me. He's over me. It doesn't matter what I feel anymore. Nothing could happen anyway." Buffy said quickly, wiping at her eyes.

"That's not true. He still loves you. He told me so." Dawn said eager for the truth to come out.

Buffy let out a bitter laugh.

"Right. He still loves me. That's why he ignores me every time I walk into a room. Face it Dawn. It's useless." She said bitterly.

"Trust me Buffy. He still loves you. The only reason he's ignoring you is because he doesn't want you to hurt him again." Dawn explained.

"So, what? He's just gonna hurt me first?"

"I guess." Dawn said quietly.

"Well that's just brilliant. Well, you can tell him that it worked. I feel pretty crappy." Buffy said hurtfully.

"You have to tell him how you feel. It will change everything." Dawn urged her.

"No way. Are you nuts? Besides, he won't let me near him. When I walk into a room, he walks right out again." Buffy told her.

"Well, you could chain him up and make him listen." Dawn offered trying to be funny.

Buffy looked at her and rolled her eyes.

"Let's not go there, Dawn."

"Sorry. Just trying to lighten things up." Dawn said sheepishly.

"Look. Just forget it. We don't belong together anyway. He's a vampire, I'm a Slayer. It's like two very un-mixy things. It's probably best that we both just get over it." Buffy said trying to convince herself.

Buffy turned and headed up the stairs. She was done talking. It was hurting her too much to even contemplate that his coldness had all been part of an act to hurt her. Or protect him. Either way, it was ridiculous.

She shouldn't even be thinking about him at all. She couldn't even believe that she had admitted to Dawn how she really felt. She hadn't even really admitted it to herself before tonight. She was just gonna have to get over it.

After Buffy fell asleep, Dawn peeked in on her. Satisfied that she was out for the night, Dawn crept downstairs and headed for Spike's crypt. She was going to find a way to make this right somehow. The two people she loved most were hurting each other for nothing.

It was making Dawn crazy. She got to his place and opened the door quietly. She walked inside but didn't see Spike anywhere. She called out to him.

"Spike? Are you here?"

No answer. She decided to check the lower level, where he went to think a lot of the time. She climbed down the ladder and looked around. She saw him sitting in the corner holding a bottle of Whiskey and a piece of paper. She walked over to him.

"Spike? What are you doing?" She asked softly as she looked down at him.

She noticed that the piece of paper was a picture of Buffy. Her heart hurt just a little.

"Go away, Little Bit. I want to be alone." He said drunkenly.

"Spike, don't do this."

"I can't take this anymore. Seeing her so alive…Hating me so much…It's tearing me up inside." He said sadly.

He was more than just a little drunk and Dawn knew it.

"She loves you." Dawn blurted out.

He looked at her shocked. Then he started laughing.

"That's a good one. Are you trying to torture me too?" He asked through bitter laughter.

"No. It's true. She told me. She's mad at you because you're ignoring her."

"Good. Let her be mad. I don't care." Spike said, taking a long swig of the harsh alcohol.

"Will you listen to me? Put that bottle down." She said, grabbing the Whiskey out of his hand.

"Give it back! I need that." He said irritated.

"No, you don't. Are you even listening to me? She loves you. You're both so much alike, it's sickening. I've never seen two people so irritatingly stubborn in my life." She said exasperated.

"She doesn't love me. Nobody loves me." He slurred drunkenly, full of self pity.

Dawn rolled her eyes and sighed.

"I love you." She offered him with a smile.

He looked up at her with drunken tears in his eyes.

"You do?"

"Yes. And she does too. Wake up and make this right before you ruin everything." She said firmly.

"You know, Sweet Bit, you're the best friend I've ever had. Hell, the only friend I've ever had." He said looking up at her with glassy eyes.

"You're my best friend too, Spike. I love you and I love Buffy. You guys are making each other miserable for nothing. And you're making me miserable. Fix this before it's too late." She pleaded with him.

"What do I do?" He asked desperately.

"Talk to her. Tell her you still love her."

"But what if she shoots me down again? I can't bear that." He said shaking his head.

"Just do it. Or I'll chain you both up until you guys admit your feelings." She said with a smirk.

He managed a small smile.

"Take it from me pet, that tactic doesn't work very well." He said with a laugh.

"Just tell her." Dawn said pointedly.

Dawn then turned around and headed out of his crypt. She climbed the ladder and left him sitting there with his own thoughts.

He couldn't believe what she had just told him. He secretly feared that it couldn't be true. Buffy couldn't possibly love him. But Dawn seemed so sincere, that he wanted to believe her. He looked down at the picture of Buffy laying next to him. He picked it up again and studied it.

"You make me crazy, you know that right?" He said to the picture. "Why do you have to be so beautiful?" He said, running his fingers across the smooth paper.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *