Where the Heart Is 4

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Two weeks went by and Spike had tried to snap out of his strained mood. Buffy didn't know about the chip and he'd been trying to keep from acting like a desperate idiot, so she wouldn't be suspicious that anything had changed.

He still hadn't done anything wrong either. He had been tempted a few times, but he restrained himself. Every time he even thought about biting someone, he saw her face in his mind. He could never do it. He tried to reason that if he only bit people who deserved it, it might be okay. But he knew that still wouldn't work.

He had to just forget about it entirely or risk losing the only thing in his life that he truly loved. And it wasn't just Buffy, it was Dawn too. If he lost Buffy, he would lose Dawn as well. They were his life now, and he couldn't do anything to mess that up.

Tonight, he sat with Dawn in her living room watching TV. Buffy was out with her friends and Spike volunteered to stay with Dawn. He didn't feel much like socializing, so he urged Buffy to go without him.

Dawn looked over at Spike who had seemed more quiet than usual. Normally he liked to make fun of everyone they saw on TV, but tonight he just sat and stared at the screen. She nudged him.

"What's up with you? You seem crabby." She said to him.

"I'm fine. I've just got some stuff on my mind, is all." He shrugged.

"Like what? I mean, you could tell me. We're friends, right?" She offered with a smile.

"It's nothing to worry your pretty little head about, Sweet Bit." He smiled weakly.

She sighed and leaned back into the couch. He got up and faced her.

"I'm gonna go out back and have a smoke. I'll be right back." He told her.

She watched him go and she knew that something was wrong. Buffy had told her that he was acting strange before, and now Dawn saw what she meant. Dawn hated seeing him like this, so she decided to go out back and see if she could make him talk.

She opened the back door and sat down next to him.

"Are you like, not in love with Buffy anymore?" She asked, wondering if he was having second thoughts about their relationship.

He turned to her sharply.

"Of course I'm still in love with her. Why would you say that?" He asked.

She shrugged.

"I don't know. She said you've been acting weird and now you're all quiet tonight. I just thought maybe you were tired of her. Of us." She added quietly.

"Don't ever think that. You girls are my life. My everything. You know that. I'd never tire of being with you." He said seriously.

"Then what is it? Don't say nothing, because I know that's a lie." She said crossing her arms and staring him down.

He looked at her and contemplated his options. He could flat out refuse to tell her, or he could lie, or he could just tell her the truth. She'd probably be okay. She was a lot more understanding than Buffy was. He saw her determined look and sighed.

"There is something bothering me." He admitted.

"What?"

"If I tell you this, you have to promise me not to tell anyone. Especially not Buffy. She can never know about this." He said seriously.

"Promise." Dawn said, wondering what on earth could be so important.

He looked at her and took a deep un-needed breath.

"My chip doesn't work anymore." He admitted to her softly.

She looked at him and several emotions crossed her face. First, relief that it wasn't something worse than that, and then sadness, knowing that he thought it meant Buffy would dump him. Or worse yet, kill him. She touched his arm.

"Is that it?"

He looked at her incredulously.

"What do you mean, `Is that it'? Isn't that enough? Buffy won't understand this." He said desperately.

Dawn frowned and looked at him seriously.

"How long have you known?"

"A few weeks."

"Have you, you know, killed anyone?" She asked nervously.

"No. I swear I haven't. But I've wanted to." He admitted shamefully.

"Well, that's understandable. You're still a vampire. But the point is, you haven't done anything. That's what counts." She said encouragingly.

"But what if I slip?" He asked.

"You won't. I mean, it'll be hard maybe, but you won't." She said hopefully.

"I've wanted this chip out for so long. And now that it's gone…I just don't know what to do." He said sadly.

Before Dawn could say anything, the sound of Buffy's voice startled them.

"Your chip is gone?" She asked with tears in her eyes. She was standing at the open back door listening to their conversation.

He turned to face her sharply.

"Buffy." He said shocked that she had been listening.

"Your chip is gone and you didn't tell me?" She said angrily.

"I can explain." He pleaded with her.

"Dawn, go in the house." Buffy said firmly.

"But Buffy, it's not that big of a deal." Dawn protested.

"I said, go in the house." Buffy said, wiping her eyes.

Dawn relented and walked into the house. Buffy turned and closed the door behind her. She turned to face Spike again.

"Buffy, I was going to tell you." He lied.

"When? How long have you known? My god, what have you been doing?" She said disbelieving that this was happening.

"It's been a few weeks. And I haven't done anything. I swear." He said desperately.

"A few weeks? My god." She said with tears rolling down her face.

He reached out to touch her and she pulled away from him.

"Don't." She snapped at him angrily.

"Listen to me. Nothing has changed. It was just a stupid piece of metal. It doesn't mean anything."

"It means everything, Spike. It's the only reason you're not dust yet and you know it." She said angrily.

"Is that the only reason? I thought you loved me?" He said feeling his own anger mounting.

"I do love you, but we both know that without that chip we would have killed each other a long time ago. How can you think it doesn't make a difference?" She said sadly.

"But I don't need it anymore. I've changed. And not because of the chip, but because of you. Can't you see that?" He pleaded.

She looked away from him and shook her head.

"How can I trust you? You're free now, Spike. You can go back to your evil ways. You don't need to pretend that you're good anymore." She said bitterly.

"You think I'm pretending? You think this is an act or something?"

"I don't know what it is."

"How can you even say that? Buffy, I love you. You said nothing would ever come between us." He pleaded with her.

"I know. But that was before." She said softly as tears ran down her cheeks.

He moved over to her and wiped her tears away.

"Please, don't shut me out. You have to trust me." He said gently.

She looked at him and backed away.

"Please. Just leave now. I need to be alone." She said, turning away from him.

"Don't do this."

"Please just go." She cried out softly.

He wanted to grab her and shake her until she listened to him. But he held himself back. He turned and walked away from her reluctantly.

She slumped down onto the steps and held her head in her hands and cried. She had no idea what to do. She wanted to believe him, but what if he was lying? How could she chance that? How could she allow him into her life, knowing what he could be capable of? She never should have allowed herself to fall in love with him.

This sort of thing was inevitable. Her relationships were always doomed to fail because she picked the wrong person to love. But she just couldn't stop it. She didn't want to love him, but she did anyway. And because of that, she was dying inside.

Dawn had heard the shouting outside stop, and opened the door a crack to see what was going on. She saw Buffy alone on the steps and walked out to sit next to her.

"Where's Spike?" Dawn asked softly.

"He's gone."

"For good?"

"I don't know." Buffy admitted quietly.

"Buffy, he hasn't done anything wrong. He told me so." Dawn urged her.

"And you believe him?"

"Yes. You don't?" She asked incredulously.

"I don't know what to believe. I mean, he didn't even tell me that his chip wasn't working. What else didn't he tell me?" She asked desperately.

"He didn't tell you because he was afraid you'd be mad, just like you are."

"Dawn, I can't do this. I can't be with him anymore. I just can't." Buffy said as she broke down into sobs.

"Buffy, no. Don't say that. You guys were happy. We were happy. Don't ruin it." Dawn pleaded, crying herself.

"It's over. It has to be." Buffy said with resolve.

She got up and went inside. Dawn sat outside and cried softly to herself. Sometimes she hated Buffy. They were sisters and she loved her, but sometimes it was hard to love someone so stubborn. And now, Buffy was threatening to drive away the only friend that Dawn had. She couldn't let her do that.

Spike sat in his crypt crying silently. He hated how she could drive him to tears like this. He felt so foolish. Part of him just wanted to run out and kill someone, just to make himself feel better. She obviously thought that's what he'd been doing, so he may as well just do it.

But then, another part of him was eager to prove her wrong. He wanted to show her that he could be good, without the chip. There had to be a way to make her understand.

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The next day, just as the sun went down, Buffy made her way to Spike's crypt. She hadn't slept nearly at all the night before. All she could think about was him and what she was going to do about this problem.

Part of her was saying to believe him. She wanted to believe that he could still be good, even without the chip. But deep down she knew that if something went wrong, she'd be endangering herself, Dawn, and everyone else. It was just too risky.

She pushed open his door softly, not having the energy to come crashing in like she used to. She let it close softly behind her and she walked into the darkened room. He was sitting in his chair, staring off into space when she approached him.

As she moved into his line of sight, he stood up startled to see her.

"Buffy. I'm so glad you came." He said starting towards her.

"Stop." She said, holding up her hand.

He stopped moving and stood in front of her with a look of dismay.

"Buffy, please, just listen to me." He pleaded, realizing that she wasn't there to make up with him.

"Spike, I've thought about this a lot. I didn't even sleep last night. Just let me say what I need to say." She said, trying to be strong.

"Go ahead." He said softly, bracing himself for the worst.

"You need to leave town. Now." She said firmly.

"What? Are you crazy? Why?" He said in shock.

"Because. I can't do this. I can't know that you're out there every night, doing whatever it is you're doing, and I'm doing nothing to stop you." She said with tears falling down her face.

"But I haven't done anything! Don't you believe me?" He shouted at her desperately.

"Say I do believe you? Say you have been good? What happens next week? Or next month? Or a year from now? What happens when someone pisses you off? What if you just snap? What if I make you mad?" She choked out.

"You always make me mad! It doesn't mean I'm going to kill you. It doesn't mean I'm going to kill anyone. I'm not saying it's easy to control these urges I have. I'm still a vampire. But you knew that from the beginning. You knew that this might happen." He said angrily.

"I know. I guess I just preferred to think that the chip was there forever. I tried not to think about what would happen if it stopped working. But now it has, and I have to deal with it."

"How? By running me out of town? Why don't you just stake me? It would be a lot more humane." He said bitterly.

She looked at him and her tears fell harder. It was so difficult for her to do this. She looked at her feet.

"I can't. I can't kill you. I never could before, and I really can't now. That's why you have to go. If you slip? If you kill someone? I still won't be able to do it. And that would be denying my duty. I wouldn't be a Slayer if I didn't kill you. So you need to get out of my town. Whatever you do somewhere else, isn't my business." She explained, through strangled sobs.

He looked at her and felt his own tears falling. He didn't even care if she saw them. He wanted her to see them. He wanted her to know exactly how much she was killing him, despite her protests to the contrary.

"So then, it's alright if I go back to my killing ways, so long as you don't know about it?" He said angrily.

"No. It's not alright. But, what I don't know, can't hurt me." She said, looking away from him.

He went over to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. He forced her to look at him. She gazed into his eyes, and felt the tears spilling over. He wanted to force her to see him. To see what she was throwing away.

"How can you throw away everything we have over something that isn't even going to happen?" He asked her sadly.

"Because I have to." She whispered.

He grasped her arms tighter and knew he was probably hurting her, but he didn't care. He couldn't let go of her.

"No. No. I won't let you do this. I won't." He said, as he kissed her hard.

His lips and his tongue assaulted her mouth in desperation. At first, she struggled against him, but when his grip on her arms loosened, she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back frantically. She was just as desperate as he was to hold onto the dream a little longer. Finally, she pushed him away roughly.

"Stop! You're making this harder." She cried.

"Good. Don't do it."

"Please, just leave. Tonight. I don't want to drag this out. Just go and don't ever come back here." She told him despairingly.

"No!" He shouted grabbing her arms again. His strong hands were digging into her flesh and she cried out softly.

"Let go. You're hurting me." She whimpered.

"You're killing me." He said, choking back tears, as he released her.

The look on his face, ripped her heart out. She wanted so badly to grab him and kiss him and never let him out of her sight. But she just couldn't allow herself to think like that. She had to be strong. She had to do this. It was the right thing.

She looked up at him through her tears.

"I love you. I always will. But, it's over. It has to be. I'm sorry." She said, moving over to him and kissing him softly.

She pulled away and quickly turned around to leave. She had to get out of there before she changed her mind.

"I love you Buffy. I told you once that I would never leave you. I promised. Don't make me a liar." He called out to her.

She bit back her tears and turned to face him once more.

"Please, just go." She said with silent tears falling own her face.

She turned around to leave again, and he called out after her.

"I'm never gonna stop loving you. Never."

"I know." She said softly never turning to look at him.

She couldn't bear to see the torment on his face. Pain that she was causing. She opened the door slowly and let it close behind her for the last time.

As she disappeared, he slumped to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. He felt worse than he did when she had died. He felt like the whole world was exploding around him and he was helpless to stop it. She had just walked away, leaving him to a life of eternal torment.

He had promised her that he'd be there for her and Dawn until the end of the world. And apparently the world had just ended. At least that's what it felt like. His world had just ended.

Finally he stood up and gathered his senses. He looked around the crypt that he had called home for many years now. Amazingly, there was very little he wanted to take with him.

Once he was gone, he didn't plan on wanting anything around him that made him think of this place. He didn't want anything to make him think of her. He cursed the day he ever crashed into this stupid town.

The moment that he arrived, his entire existence was turned on its ear. It was as if the first time he laid eyes on Buffy, the universe twisted and his life was forever altered. He'd lost everything because of her.

He'd lost Dru, he had lost his bite, his entire world had changed. He had nothing, and yet Buffy had given him something so precious and so wonderful. She had given him a fantasy that he never even would have dared to dream before. And now, cruelly, she stripped him bare once again. It never ceased to amaze him that such an innocent looking little girl, had the power to destroy him. Physically and emotionally.

She left him empty and drowning in despair. Despite all of the bitter feelings and the hatred swelling around in his heart, he knew he could never hurt her. He wanted to hate her, but he couldn't. He meant what he said when he told her that he'd always love her. His love was forever and nothing could change that.

Buffy had walked home through a mist of tears and heartbreak. She didn't even remember how she had gotten to her front door. She silently thanked whoever was looking out for her, that no vampires had crossed her path. She would have been too lost in despair to even fight back.

She walked inside slowly, and found Dawn sitting on the couch with tears in her eyes. She stood up to face Buffy.

"What did you do?" She asked hostilely.

"Dawnie, not now." Buffy said sadly.

"What did you do to him? Is he dead?" Dawn asked bitterly.

"No. Of course not."

"Then what?"

Buffy took a deep breath and wiped her eyes.

"I told him to leave town. Tonight. He can't ever come back here." Buffy said firmly.

Dawn exploded into tears of sadness and rage.

"No! How could you do that? I love him. He's my best friend, and you just told him to leave? Without even saying goodbye?" Dawn said angrily.

"Dawn, it has to be this way. We can't trust him."

"Maybe you can't, but I do. I trust him with my life. And so did you. Don't you even remember?" Dawn shouted.

"That was before! Things have changed! Do you think this was easy for me?" Buffy screamed.

"I hate you! I wish you had just stayed dead!" Dawn yelled as she ran past her and out the door.

Buffy gasped at the harshness of her sisters words and fell to her knees, in tears. Her whole life was unraveling in front of her and she couldn't stop it. She'd lost the man she loved, and now her sister was wishing death upon her. At this moment, she wished desperately that she had just stayed dead too.

Dawn ran the entire way to Spike's crypt. She hoped against hope that she wouldn't be too late. She had to see him. She couldn't let him leave without saying goodbye. She got to his cemetery just in time to see him loading up a duffel bag onto his motorcycle, that he acquired from a demon he'd defeated.

He decided to leave his car behind. It held too many bad memories for him. It was time to start fresh, he told himself. Dawn saw him climb onto the bike and shouted after him, as she broke into a sprint.

"Spike! Stop!" She screamed.

He turned his head, and for an instant, he thought it was Buffy's voice. He thought she had come to her senses. But his heart broke again, when he realized it was Dawn. He wasn't sure how he would ever be able to say goodbye to her.

She caught up to him and grabbed him tightly, pulling him off the bike.

"Spike, please don't go. Please. I need you." Dawn cried into his jacket.

He felt tears falling down his face again, and he stroked her hair.

"I'm sorry, Niblet. I have to go." He whispered into her hair.

"No! Buffy's being a bitch. Don't listen to her. You have to stay." Dawn pleaded with him desperately.

"I can't. I just can't. She wants me to go and I have to."

"Who cares what she says? She doesn't make all the decisions."

"Yes, she does. This is her town, she can do what she wants. I'd rather leave, than stick around so she can kill me. Or worse yet, go back to hating me again. You have to understand that I don't want to go, but I have no choice." He explained quietly.

She looked up at him desperately.

"Take me with you. I want to go with you." She said hurriedly.

"I can't. You know that." He said regretfully.

"I can't stay here alone." She cried softly.

"You aren't alone. You have a lot of people besides me that love you."

"But you're the one I want. I love you." She said softly.

"I love you too. I always will. Promise me one thing." He said holding her shoulders firmly.

"What?"

"Don't ever forget me. When you're sad, I want you to think about the fun we used to have. Like when I took you for a ride on this motorcycle? Think of that. And when you do, know that wherever I am, I'm thinking of it too." He said with a strained smile.

She smiled through her tears and hugged him tightly again.

"I won't ever forget. I promise." She said, clutching onto him tightly.

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. He tried to burn the memory of her scent into his mind. He would never forget either. Finally they pulled away from each other and he gave her a smile that belied the immense pain he was feeling.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He handed them to her.

"This is for you. They're the keys to my DeSoto. I want you to have it. You'll be driving soon, and I know you'll take good care of it." He said with a smile.

"You're giving me your car?"

"Yeah. I don't need it anymore. And whenever you drive it, you can think of me. I was gonna leave the keys in your mailbox along with this." He said pulling two envelopes out of his pocket.

"What's this?" She asked as he handed them over.

"I wasn't sure I'd get to see you, so I wrote you a letter. The other one is for Buffy. Will you give it to her?" He asked softly.

"She doesn't deserve a letter." Dawn said bitterly.

"Just give it to her. Please?"

"Okay." She said softly.

Spike took a deep breath and looked around at his cemetery for the last time. He turned to Dawn.

"I better get going. I need to travel at night, you know?" He said, forcing out a smile.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

"Will you write to me sometimes?" She asked hopefully.

"Yeah. I will." He said, knowing he never would. It would be too painful.

He got onto his motorcycle again, and started it up. Dawn stood back, clutching the keys and the envelopes he had handed her. He leaned over and kissed her cheek again. Then he started off, without looking back. He knew he could never look back.

Dawn watched him go, and she dissolved into tears once more. She knew she should get out of the cemetery, but at this moment, she didn't really care if she was vampire bait or not. Nothing mattered anymore. Spike was gone.

She walked along towards his crypt and sniffled sadly, knowing she'd never get to hang out here anymore. She thought about going inside, but changed her mind. Instead, she walked into the parking lot and found his car. Her car. She went over and unlocked it.

She climbed inside and lay down on the front seat. She saw that he'd left his sun blanket lying on the floor and she picked it up and held it to her. It smelled musty and a little like burning wool. It was icky, but she didn't care. It reminded her of him.

She wrapped it around her and decided to open her envelope. She held the paper with trembling hands and read it to herself.

Niblet,

I wanted to tell you this in person, but I suppose a letter will have to do. I had to leave. I know you're gonna be upset, but it's alright. I'll be alright. I just want you to know that I love you. I never thought I could love someone the way I do you. You're like a little sister to me, or maybe even a daughter. But more importantly, you were my friend. The only friend I've ever had. I won't ever forget you. Take care of your sister for me, and try not to be too pissed off at her. She's doing the best she can, and that's all any of us can do. Take care of yourself, stay safe, and never forget me.

I'll miss you…

Spike

PS: Enjoy the car. Try not to crash it.

She had to laugh slightly at his closing remarks. Even when he was in pain, he still tried to make her smile. She'd miss him so much. She wasn't sure she could ever get over it.

She finally made her way home and walked into the house. She knew Buffy was probably worried about her, but she didn't care. Buffy sat in the dark, on the floor of the living room, crying to herself.

She looked up when Dawn came in and felt relief that she was home.

"You're back." She said softly.

"He's gone. So, I hope you're happy now." Dawn said harshly.

Buffy couldn't say a word, she only stared at Dawn sadly. Dawn walked over and tossed her letter into her lap.

"He left this for you. You can read it, or burn it. Whatever. I'm going upstairs." Dawn said devoid of emotion.

She turned and went upstairs leaving Buffy alone with her letter. She wiped away her tears and flipped the light on. She sat on the couch and tore the envelope open. She read the letter to herself.

Buffy,

I still wish you'd change your mind. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you. And that includes putting you in the position of having to kill me. I thought you understood that? But I guess I was wrong. You always were a pain in the ass, like that. But it never stopped me from loving you so much that it choked me.

You changed my life, you know that? Before you came along, I thought I was happy. But I never really knew what happiness was until you taught me. Know that wherever I am, the only thing I'll be thinking of, is you. And know that, when the day comes that someone finally puts me out of my misery, you will be the last thing I will think about. It will be your face that I see. It's only fair, because with your banishment, you're the one who truly killed me. But the funny thing is, no matter how dead I feel, or how angry I am that you've shut me out, I still love you. I can't ever stop. I won't. Remember that. Remember me.

Until the end of the world,

Spike

She held the letter and cried. Deep, heart wrenching sobs. She knew she made a mistake. She never should have made him leave. She should have trusted him, and worked it out. But it was too late. He was gone. And she knew that she'd never see him again.

Spike rode his motorcycle out of town. He saw the sign that informed him he was now leaving Sunnydale. He glared at it bitterly. He knew it would be the last time he'd ever set foot here.

He headed off towards an uncertain future and an uncertain destination. He knew that however far he went, it would never be far enough. He could travel a million miles, but it would never be home to him. Home was where the heart was. And his heart would be in Sunnydale eternally.

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