He didn’t sleep, how could he with her there? It was a strange feeling for Spike, who usually got so much comfort from being close to his best friend, Buffy, but now having her there beside him in his bed was creating every feeling but comfort.

Once Buffy had calmed down from her crying, both she and Spike had realised just how late it was. Both emotionally drained, they went to his room, nothing more than sleep on her mind, as ever when she shared his bed, but strangely every thought but sleep on his.

Now, six hours later and almost eight in the morning, Spike had hardly slept at all. He lay on his side, head propped up by his elbow, watching the woman he loved sleep. She looked so peaceful and content, a slight smile on her lips. He hoped she was dreaming of something pleasant, when she awoke to reality things wouldn’t be so happy, she deserved at least a little comfort as she slept. He wondered briefly if she’d ever dreamt of him, ever thought of him the way he saw her now, but he dismissed it as a stupid concept. She loved Angel, probably still did, despite what had happened. Finding out about his wife hadn’t made a difference to her feelings for the ponce, why would his being angry at her change anything?

It was so hard to comprehend how things had changed so much, Spike thought as he watched Buffy breathe slowly in and out, one hand up by her face on the pillow, the other near her stomach. God how things had really changed, he thought, ‘there’s practically three people in this bed!’

Jealously was another thing Spike was feeling, though it was only now that he truly realised it. Buffy was having a baby, shocking enough in itself, but that baby was not his. He’d never been with her that way though they’d shared a bed more nights than he could count. As he thought about it now, it did seem a little strange, but he knew why he hadn’t thought so before.

Spike had been blind, to a great many things, the biggest of which was the type of love he had for this woman. He’d thought of her as a best friend, maybe at some time as a sister, mostly just as his missing piece, but until today, the thought that she might be the woman he was supposed to be with forever, to marry, to have children with, to love, honour, and cherish until death, why had that thought never occurred to him?

‘She’s beautiful, she’s caring, she’s kind, she makes me laugh, she’s everything, she’s...oh God, she’s awake’ Spike mentally rambled coming to an abrupt halt when her eyes open and looking into his.

"Hi" she whispered, and Spike had to physically shake his head to come back to reality and answer her.

"Morning, pet" he smiled, "You sleep okay?" he asked, knowing full well how she’d slept since he’d watched her all night but really at a loss as to what else he might say.

"Yes, actually" she told him, turning from her side to her back and stretching a little, inadvertently making Spike a little more comfortable by breaking their eye contact, but only making things worse as her foot accidentally ran up his leg.

Spike jumped so much he was mere centimetres from falling completely out of the bed and Buffy noticed there was as much distance between them as was physically possible.

"Are you okay?" she asked him with a hint of a frown, "You seem kind of jumpy"

"I’m fine" he replied too fast, a complete lie he knew, but what was he going to say? ‘No, I’m not fine, I haven’t slept all night because I’ve just realised sharing a bed with you isn’t normal, and if I tell you what I’ve been thinking about all night you’d probably slap me’ Yeah, that would have been an award winning response, so Spike had gone for the easy option of lying, something he’d always sworn never to do when it came to his friends, especially Buffy.

Thankfully the girl accepted his lie for now and asked no more questions as she lay there a few more moments, waking up and stretching, before finally deciding she had to get out of bed, even if she was going to blow off work today.

"You mind if I take a shower?" she asked Spike, noticing again how far across the bed he seemed and wondering why.

"Course not, luv" he attempted to smile when he said it but things were playing on his mind and he did not look convincingly cheery. He had to force himself not to look as she jumped out of bed and made for the bathroom, knowing if he saw her in all her glory right now it was going to make for an embarrassing conversation over breakfast.

Once she was gone from the room, he sighed, rubbing his hands over his face and back through his hair. How had he got into this mess? A month ago, hell even a week ago, everything was so much easier, Buffy was his friend and nothing else and he’d probably be a whole lot better off if things had stayed that way, but then Buffy would still be pregnant and he’d still want to kill Angel, so maybe things weren’t as different as he thought...

He heard the water begin to run in the next room and he felt both strange and guilty as his mind wandered to places it had never been where Buffy was concerned.

"Breakfast" he said aloud, hopping out of bed, forcing on his black jeans and humming the first tune that came into his head, desperate to drown out the sounds from the bathroom and more so the images said noises were conjuring in his mind.

Spike headed for the kitchen and made a start on toast and...not much else, since the cupboards and fridge were mostly empty save for the loaf of bread he found and a couple of other things that really weren’t breakfast food.

Buffy hadn’t been around the last couple of days and it was showing in his home, they always grocery shopped together and without her around to remind him, Spike just didn’t think about it.

Turning on the radio to help with the sound and thought drowning, the bleach blond put bread in the toaster, dug a carton of juice from the back of the fridge and was even lucky enough to find a couple of eggs back there. He tapped his foot and bobbed his head, getting into the rhythm of the song, humming most of the tune and singing the few words he actually knew, not noticing his little performance had an audience.

Lone applause from the doorway made him turn sharply, dropping an egg onto the floor, thankfully just the shell as the edible part had recently made it into the pan on the stove.

"Buffy" he said pointlessly, who else would it be. She smiled at the slight embarrassment on his face as he knelt on the floor to clean up the mess he made. He actually found the floor a much safer place to look anyway as Buffy stood not two feet away in nothing but a robe...his robe, actually. It was only now he really noticed his own lack of clothes, the jeans he’d pulled on were literally all he wore.

"Er, toast is almost done, eggs are cooking and juice is on the table" he gestured around the room, as he finished up his floor cleaning, "I should get dressed" he added, quickly exiting the room via the second door, the one Buffy was not standing in.

The girl frowned hard as she pushed her wet hair back from her face again.

‘What was up with Spike?’ she wondered absently as he took the former bread from the toaster and shifted the eggs in the pan with the spatula that she instantly knew where to find. ‘Well, he’s never been much of a morning person’ she shrugged to herself, her mind soon becoming filled with more serious thoughts about Angel and his baby that she carried. She didn’t cry, she had no tears left after the day before, besides, here with Spike she knew she was safe, with her best friend by her side, she could face anything. ‘Because he definitely cares about me and loves me’ she told herself with a smile, if only she knew...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Spike emerged from his bedroom, now fully clothed, Buffy was using the phone to call the office where she worked. Her impression of the ‘too sick to work’ employee was admirable as ever, he noticed. This was far from the first time she’d done such a thing and he’d done it too, sometimes for important reasons like today when they needed each other through a hard time, other times it had just been for fun, to spend the day together talking and laughing and watching videos.

Spike was brought out of his thoughts by the click of the receiver in the cradle, telling him she’d finished her call.

"Your turn" she told him, gesturing to the phone and like a reflex action Spike picked up the phone and dialled his work number, before putting on an act equally as good as his friends and scoring the day off work.

"So" he sighed a she replaced the receiver, "What happens next?" he asked Buffy who shrugged in response.

"I guess we eat and then I put some clothes on and..." she began but she was interrupted.

"No" Spike drew out the word, "What happens next with your...situation" he put it as delicately as he could, "You have to think about where you’re going to go from here" he told her, sitting down at the table as she did the same.

Picking up a fork, Buffy pushed the scrambled egg around the plate, staring down at it as if it held the answer to her problems.

"Buffy?" Spike prompted her to answer him, and she looked up at him with a sad sigh.

"I don’t know, Spike, I don’t know what to do about any of it...things were so clear but now, it’s all muddled and I can’t make sense of it" Buffy complained, dropping her fork onto the plate with a clunk and putting her head in her hands, supported by her elbows on the table.

As desperately sorry as he felt for her, as much as he wanted to help, Spike knew there was very little he could say. If he dived in feet first, all raised voice and insults aimed at Angel, she’d just get more upset and possibly angry at him again. If he tried to comfort her he’d only end up in the awkward position that last night saw him in, wanting to tell her he loved her and knowing he couldn’t. He dared to reach a hand across the table to bring her own hands away from her face.

"It’ll all work out Buffy" he promised, "I’m here if you need me and whatever you decide to do, I’ll stand by you. You do know that, don’t you?"

"I know" she nodded as a watery smile formed on her lips. She turned her hand over to hold onto his and found she got at least a little strength simply from the contact and the small smile he gave her.

"What would I do without you?" she wondered aloud.

"Much the same as I’d do without you" he told her with a smile, "Be bloody miserable I reckon"

She managed a laugh at that, just a small chuckle but it was an improvement. It was enough to make the mood a little more relaxed and Spike was able to handle having her there without having to constantly fight the urge to kiss her of declare his new-found love.

"That’s better" he told her, "You actually look half decent when you smile" he grinned, standing up to clear away the unwanted food and Buffy swatted his leg as he walked past her to the sink.

As he began to wash the dishes, Buffy stood up beside him, a much more serious look on her face than that which had been there a moment ago.

"I’m sorry, y’know" she told him, "I know I already said it and it doesn’t make all that much difference, but I am sorry" she meant it all so absolutely it was painful for him to hear as well as for her to say.

"I know, pet" Spike’s voice was much smaller than usual as he answered her, "what was said before, doesn’t matter now" he told her, barely able to look at her when he said it.

There was a brief moment where the only sounds were the water running over the contents of the sink and the faint drip of some said water escaping from a pipe that Spike had been meaning to fix forever.

"I should go get dressed" Buffy said quietly slipping out of the kitchen and back to the bedroom. Spike finally allowed himself to breathe when she was gone from his side. When she was that close to him, it was as bad as the night before in his bed, especially considering the fact she had the minimum in clothing on and what she did wear was his.

"Spike, mate" he said quietly to himself, "You are well and truly buggered"

"Hey Red" Spike greeted his friend as he opened the front door and saw her there.

"Hey Spike" she grinned, "You look better today"

"Can’t say I feel much better" he replied, moving to let her into the apartment. It was the middle of the afternoon and Buffy had gone home to change the clothes she’d been wearing for over twenty four hours and to relax in the bath. She had an awful lot of thinking to do and she had to do some of it alone. Unbeknownst to her, Spike had some serious thoughts of his own.

"Look, I’m sorry about yesterday" he told his red-haired friend as he flopped down on the sofa and she took the armchair nearby, "I guess I didn’t handle the whole thing too well"

"Well, I won’t deny you were getting kind of scary for a while there" Willow told him, "but we’d never just abandon you. Me and Xander, we’re your friends and no matter what does or doesn’t happen with you and Buffy we’ll still love you both...have you spoken to her since yesterday?" she asked carefully and she was surprised when her bleach blond friend burst out laughing.

"Did I say something funny?" she asked with a confused expression.

"No, no, I’m sorry" Spike waved a hand to dismiss her incorrect idea as he tried to stop his laughter, "it’s just, if I didn’t laugh..." he stopped abruptly, tears of pain replacing those the giggling had caused, "Will, she’s having the git’s baby" he said as if it were the most horrific thing in the world, to him of course it probably was.

"Oh Goddess" was the only words that came from the girl as her hand covered her mouth in shock.

There was silence then , a long silence that might have lasted forever if it weren’t for a knock on the door. Spike appeared to be stuck to the sofa so Willow moved to answer the persistent guest.

"Oh Xander" she gasped when she saw him, throwing herself into his arms.

"Hey Will" he replied with a frown, wrapping his arms around her, this was not exactly the welcome he’d been expecting but it was pleasant enough, except...

"Willow, what are you doing answering Spike’s door?"

The girl pulled back from her friend, wiping a stray tear away with the back of her hand. She looked carefully at her best friend, one arm still over his shoulder as she stepped sideways to reveal Spike.

"Okay, weirdest feeling of deja vu" Xander frowned harder as he saw Spike almost in tears on the sofa again, much like the day before when he’d visited with Willow. "Does someone what to tell me what’s going on?"

When Willow and Spike finally found their voices they made an explanation, Spike expanding on his original statement to Willow now so that both his friends knew all about Buffy’s visit to his apartment the night before her staying over and what had happened that morning.

"...so we both called in sick, like we do sometimes, then we talked a bit...watched TV when we realised there was very little either of us could really say...then she went home for a bath and a change of clothes" Spike concluded.

"Buffy’s pregnant?" Xander gasped, barely having taken in any of the explanation other than those few words, "how?"

"What do you want, Harris?! A bloody diagram?!" Spike barked in a rage and the brunette soon realised how stupid his question had been.

"I’m sorry" he said quietly, so as not to trigger another outburst from his friend, "I just...I can’t believe this is happening..."

"Well believe it, cos it is" the bleach blond mumbled sadly, and a much calmer now Willow spoke up.

"On the upside, at least Buffy sees what Angel is really like now" she tried desperately to find a bright side, "I mean, if he got mad about the baby..."

"Won’t make a bloody difference" Spike snorted, a tone somewhere between sadness, disgust, anger and pain, as he spoke "he’ll still use her and she’ll take it...silly bint"

"He wouldn’t...I mean, she wouldn’t..." the red-head rambled, tears coming back to her eyes and Xander wrapped an arm around her shoulders knowing what she meant. Would Angel make Buffy abort the baby?

"I don’t know, sweetie" her friend told her honestly as she leaned her head on his shoulder and he absently rubbed his hand soothingly on her back.

"He would" Spike said bluntly as ever, "He’d make her and she’d do it" he told them, cold pain in his bright blue eyes as he looked up, tears threatening to spill forth again at any moment.

As awful as it was both Willow and Xander knew it was true. Buffy was so blind when it came to Angel, if he told her to jump she asked how high, it would be laughably pathetic if it were not so tragic.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Night fell once more and not knowing what to say or do in the presence of their friend, Willow and Xander said goodnight to Spike and left the apartment. The Englishman went straight to bed, though he didn’t sleep and knew he stood no chance of doing so tonight. The smell of Buffy’s vanilla fragrance hung on the bedclothes, strands of her golden hair remained on the pillow beside his head and every time he closed his eyes he saw her face, not smiling and happy like it should be, but broken and tear stained as she sobbed on his shoulder.

"Things might look better in the morning" Willow had told him, though he was sure even when she said it she knew as well as he did it was rubbish.

Xander had tried for an encouraging smile but it had come out as a half frown, half grimace, as he patted his friend on the back and left the apartment with a comforting hand on Willow’s back.

As Spike tried in vain to let sleep take him away from the pain that was consciousness, his two friends walked down the street towards their respective apartments, Xander’s arm having found it’s way around Willow’s shoulders once again, her arm wound around his waist.

"Xan, that won’t ever happen to us will it?" the red-head asked with a worried frown.

"What’s that, Will?" he asked looking sideways at her as they walked along.

"Well, I couldn’t bear to argue with you or anything, I couldn’t lose you..." her voice wavered just at the thought of her best friend not being by her side like he had been for the past twenty years of her life.

"No Will, it’ll never happen to us" he told her firmly, looking right into her eyes as they stopped walking and stood opposite each other outside the door to the apartment building where she lived, "Us, we’re forever friends, nothing and no-one could ever change what I feel for you"

He got a smile out of her then, not a huge smile but it was an improvement on the almost constant frown she’d worn since they’d left Spike behind.

"Forever friends" she echoed softly, "Yeah, I like that" she smiled, and he smiled back down at her. Anyone watching would surely have thought these two were a couple, and maybe they were - a couple of friends, a couple of best friends, but not the couple of lovers they might be perceived to be. ‘And it’s better this way’ Willow thought to herself, knowing things would only get complicated like they were for Buffy and Spike if she didn’t continue to bury that little flame in her heart that said ‘I’m in love with Xander Harris’. She’d give it time, the torch would go out, she knew it had too, she refused to lose her best friend for something so petty and silly as a life long crush...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two streets away and unaware of all the emotions she was stirring up by her predicament, Buffy stood in the street, tears streaming down her face yet again as her heart felt like it literally shattered. She’d been given a choice and she’d made it, whether she could go through with her decision, she didn’t know but this was important she had to do it. It would do her no good to ask advice of her friends, especially Spike, for she already knew what they’d say, what he would say.

This was a decision only she could make, and Buffy knew it was one of the hardest she would ever have to make. Her lover, or her unborn child, how do you choose between two things that should mean so much?

The water that cascaded down her face told anyone who saw her just how hard that decision had been, but she’d made it and she must go through with, that or lose everything.

Two days. How much can happen in just forty eight hours? You would think not much perhaps, but there are four people in a town called Sunnydale who would disagree. So much can happen, too much maybe, and it did happen that weekend. The whole week had been bad enough...

Monday, Spike had found out the truth about Angel, a truth he had told to Willow and Xander on Tuesday, then on Wednesday his apartment bore witness to the first major fight between himself and his best friend, Buffy, as he told her too.

Thursday passed in bitterness and a revelation for Spike as the truth hit him like an express train - he was in love with his precious friend, and that night he had to put those feelings away, hide them away in his heart as that very girl cried on his shoulder, admitting she was carrying his enemy’s child.

Friday had meant tears, in all four quarters. Buffy wept for the decision she was forced to make as her lover, the father of her unborn child, gave her an ultimatum - him or their own creation. Spike’s tears fell for Buffy, his sympathy for her and his doomed affections, whilst Willow cried for her friends and herself, her love that must be buried to preserve her friendship with Xander. No-one knew that Xander cried, it was so long since anyone had ever seen the tears of this clown, but they were there for Buffy, for Spike, for the unfairness that was life...

If the week was pain, the weekend started in sheer agony. As the sun rose on a bright and cheerful Saturday, four dark and thunderous clouds seemed to be expertly positioned over the beds of four young people as they awoke to a new day, tear stained faces and aching hearts, one and all.

They all got up, got clean, got dressed in relative silence, no reason to be happy that they could see. No reason to want to sing along to the radio, smile at the morning sun, or kindly thank the good forces of light for the dawning of another day. They all had something to do today that they dreaded, something that must be done that they wished could be avoided, but it couldn’t, and they all knew it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Her normal routine, Willow brushed her shoulder length red hair, applied a little make-up, wandered to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee...nothing ever changed in her simple little life, everything had been the same since she’d lived in her own little apartment, the one she had moved into straight from college. High school, college, first job, all with Xander, Buffy and Spike and her side. Happy times, happy memories, slowly being shattered by the sadness of the present, the impending gloom of the future.

Xander. A name she was accustomed to hearing, to saying, to thinking on a regular basis as any word in the English language. She loved him, of course everyone knew that, it was obvious, they had been best friends since they’d first met in kindergarten, but this wasn’t just friendship love, this was true love. The kind of love that could make one’s life perfect and complete, the kind of love that could so easily destroy instead.

For years she felt it coming, last few months she knew but would not admit it even to herself. She forced the feelings back, swallowed down the words she feared to say. Fear that he would laugh at her, that he would not feel the same, that she’d lose him from her life, and that she could not bear.

She saw now how things could be if she did not bury what she felt. Watching Spike and Buffy, what love was doing to them, tears came to her eyes as she thought of it, a lump to her throat. To see her best friends in so much pain, both just because they’d fallen in love with someone they shouldn’t fall in love with...

With a shake of her head to clear her thoughts, Willow looked into the glass of the mirror, straightened her hair, checked her minimal makeup and headed for the door, a firm idea in her mind, a suitcase in her hand.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The man on Willow’s mind was up earlier than usual, he hadn’t been able to sleep so he figured it was useless just lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Eight o’clock in the morning he was awake, so unconventional for Xander that it was scary, but not half as scary as what he was feeling right now.

The boys greatest skill was humour, and the ability to hide his emotions behind jokes and giggles was his greatest gift...it was also his curse. No-one saw beyond it, to the real him, or at least most people didn’t. Buffy and Spike, and most importantly Willow, saw beyond it, saw the Alexander Harris that he wanted to show the world but was too scared to reveal too much.

That true him was in love, believed that maybe he always had been but he’d been too blind to see it perhaps, until now. When Spike realised what he felt for Buffy, the things he said about her as he rocked back and forth, tears and emotions pouring out in waves, Xander realised the words, the feelings, they applied to him too. He felt all these things that Spike was feeling, but thankfully not for the same girl because, hey, how awkward would that have been? No, Xander had realised all too suddenly that Willow, shy and quiet little Will, was the woman he was destined to be with in his dreams.

In was comforting when he realised it, it made sense of a whole lot of stuff. Why he’d never had a serious girlfriend, why he cared so much about his friend above and beyond anyone else in the world, why sometimes when he looked at her he felt something in his heart give way...

Spike had not told Buffy how he felt and Xander knew maybe he never would, but there was no way this guy was going to make that mistake, never going to let the girl he loved slip through his fingers.

As he opened the front door and stepped out into the morning sun, he took a deep breath knowing today was the day he made a difference in his life, he hoped the difference would be good, but he knew he had a lot to lose, his whole world could come crashing down if she told him...no, he didn’t want to think so negative, ‘I have to hope, have to be positive’ he told himself as he walked off towards his future.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Next out of his front door was Spike. He had spent too much time thinking and not enough time taking action. He was in love with a girl, he needed to tell her. He knew, of course, that in reality, it was more complicated than that. Buffy wasn’t just some girl he’d met, she was...well, Buffy. What other word was there to describe her? Nothing could, she was too special, too perfect, too precious to him for mere adjectives found in everyday language. She was just Buffy, and oh how he loved her for being just that.

He had to tell her, his timing was inordinately bad, he knew it, but he could think of nothing but her and how he felt about her. The only thing he could do was tell her, and it didn’t matter what her reaction was. Even if she said she never wanted to see him again...well, he didn’t want to consider what would happen then, but things could not go on as they were. So, she was having Angel’s baby, that didn’t mean he was selfish by telling her now, did it? Spike knew very well he was lying to himself but the one thing he knew even more than that, above all else, was that he was a man in love. He’d worry about the consequences later, right now his mind was made up, he was going to tell Buffy how he felt.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As her best friend headed for her apartment, Buffy promptly left her home. No clue in her mind that she might have visitors so early, least of all Spike, she pulled her coat tight around her body and set off for her destination. Her decision made and now only the consequences to face, the truth was Buffy was petrified. The choice was almost impossible but she’d made it and she’d stick to it, no turning back now. She loved Angel so much, and he promised they would be together someday soon, all she had to do was keep to their plan. That plan had not included what he called their ‘little accident’ and so the error must be removed from the picture.

Could it be so simple? To just erase it, like a stray smudge of graphite on a notebook page. The being inside her was too tiny to be a child yet, nothing but a blob really, but it was part of her and part of him, spawned out of their love for one another, or her love for him at least. But Buffy was convinced that Angel did love her, that one day it would be her that owned the title of Mrs O’Connor, instead of Darla who did not deserve such a man.

People who knew the couple would be inclined to agree that the blonde woman, who looked almost ten years older than she really was through the stress of her marriage, did not deserve the life she had, or the man she was married to, but only because they had heard the screaming, seen the bruises...no-one deserved that. And yet, not three months after she’d left him, Darla had run back to her husband, too lost without him, so naive to believe that he’d changed this time, of course he hadn’t.

Buffy, poor innocent little Buffy, knew nothing of this. She knew only of how much she loved the man whose child she carried, the man she would choose above and beyond this creation, this tiny bundle of cells that would not live to see tomorrow...

Mirror images of one another, were Spike and Xander this morning. Both stood outside the front door of the apartment where the woman they loved resided, both petrified about what they were about to do, afraid of the reaction they might receive and afraid of their own feelings, the ones they were about to explain to the most important woman in their life. Both took a deep breath, raised a fist to tap firmly on the wood, deciding the key that resided in their pockets should not be used on this occasion.

Three taps and wait for a reply, breathe deeply once more, close eyes and fight back the nerves and impending sense of possible doom. No response, three more taps, a little louder. Waiting, worrying, wondering...still no response.

Kneel to the level of the letterbox, open it up and peer inside, call her name, thinking ‘Where is she? She should be home?’, again, no response.

Dejected sigh and pull out the cellphone from inside pocket. Speed-dial, rings the number of the phone just beyond the door. Here it ring, once, twice, three times...eight times...twelve times...twenty times...no response.

"Where the hell is she?" and a bunch of expletives fall from their mouths into the cool morning air, more from the bleach blonde than the brunette. Lean back against the front door, think about the girl, where she might be, what she might be doing, who she might be with. Assume she’s with her best girl-friend. Look back the way they came and change direction. Xander heads to Buffy’s apartment, Spike heads to Willows.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Setting her case down on the platform beside her, Willow sighed deeply. What was she doing? What did she plan to achieve by running away? She didn’t have the answers to these questions, anymore than she knew what she was going to do from here on with her crazy mixed-up life.

Thirty minutes she had to wait, then she was out if this town, but Willow knew that running from the town, running from him, that was the easy part. Running from her problems would be much harder, she wasn’t even sure if it were possible. The only things the young red-head knew for certain was that she loved Xander too much, and if she stuck around she was going to end up telling him, and soon.

Twenty eight minutes to go and ‘this is the right thing to do’ she told herself, taking a deep breath, reminding herself all the problems and upset it could cause if the truth got out, if she told her best friend how she really felt, told him she was in love with him and had been for some time. She saw all the pain Spike was in and he was so much stronger than her, stronger than anyone. Realising his feelings for Buffy, knowing he couldn’t tell her because he’d only make things worse, it was tearing him apart.

Twenty five minutes to go and Willow felt selfish for leaving. Spike needed his friends right now, as Buffy seemed to be slipping from his grasp. She herself and Xander had both told him things would be okay, that he’d never lose her, but they both knew Angel was manipulative and had such a hold over their female friend that there was a possibility he could drive a permanent wedge between her and her old best friend.

fifteen minutes to go, Willow slumped down on a bench. Watched a train pull in for another destination. People got on, people got off. A dark haired girl, maybe twenty years old, waited close to the edge, wandered up and down looking through windows, a sad expression on her face.

Twelve minutes to go, the red-head watched feeling wretched for the random girl until a smile threatened to split said girls face in two. She began to run, straight down the platform towards a fair haired young man of similar age.

Eleven minutes to go until Willow’s train an she continues to watch in awe as the young mans suitcases are abandoned, thrown haphazardly to the ground as what is presumably his girlfriend comes within his reach. Her feet leave the floor as he sweeps her up, kisses her soundly, spins her around until she laughs aloud and begs to have ground beneath her feet as she kisses him over and over.

Nine minutes to go and the couple leave hand in hand, smiles on their faces, love evidently in their hearts. Willow observes it and wonders how it’s possible, such a fairytale for these two, it was like watching a movie... ‘and they shall live happily ever after’ she thought, somewhat sadly, ‘just because they followed their hearts’

Five minutes until the next train out of town departs from Sunnydale, a red-head on the station platform, drags the back of her left hand across her face to remove the salt water that has spilt from her eyes. She digs in her pocket for the ticket she bought just a few minutes before, stares at it like it will give her every answer she requires - it doesn’t.

A train pulls into the station and people get on and people get off, and a flurry of tiny pieces of paper flutter in a breeze like confetti, as a red-headed girl picks up her suitcase and leaves the station, heading towards Xander’s apartment, a new decision made.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tears streamed down her face as she came out of the front door of the clinic. This wasn’t even it, it wasn’t over, it had only just begun, but now she had a date and time when it really would be done.

Three days and she’d be just one person again, not the one and a little bit she was now. And it hurt, knowing that, but it would be a relief too, she told herself, to be rid of the pain of worrying about it. It seemed callous and unfeeling to call it an it, but it wasn’t a person wasn’t big enough to be a him or a her, it was simply an it, but it was her it, hers and Angels and as much as she told herself she was doing the right thing, quoting her lover in her mind, a nagging voice, more in her heart than her head, told her what she was about to do was wrong.

As Buffy stood outside the clinic, she realised the only place she wanted to be was in his arms, not Angels, but Spikes. Whenever he held her it seemed like the whole world went away, all the badness and all her troubles dissipated, evaporated to nothing whilst she was there in his arms. It was strange to think he bought her more comfort than the man she was supposedly in love with, whom she was convinced she wanted to marry someday.

‘It’s just because I’ve known him so long’ she told herself, unsure whether that was the whole truth, but not daring to open another can of feeling related worms right now. But she did need someone, she did need Spike. She wasn’t sure if she could tell him the truth about what she had planned, what she and Angel had planned, as regards the unborn, barely existent, child she carried. He was her best friend and she used to tell him everything, quite literally, but things had changed over time and it felt sometimes like...well, she was not scared to tell him things as such, more nervous of his opinion.

Spike was Buffy’s favourite person in all the world, and she loved him, in a much different way to that in which she loved Angel, but it meant just as much. She wanted him to be proud of her, have respect and love for her, desperately wanted for him to think she was good, and it worried her sometimes that the halo he seemed to think she wore would slip and fall if she told him certain things.

Every other time she’d worried, she had eventually told him anyway and his reaction had never been as bad as she’d expected. He’d never yelled at her or been mean to her, or ashamed of her...at least, not until a few days ago.

But not that much had changed, had it? Not really, she and Spike were still best friends, they had always sworn nothing would change that. Without thinking about it, her auto-pilot seemed to be taking he to his apartment. Buffy hadn’t really paid attention to where her feet were taking her as she crossed roads and covered the pavement at a moderate speed.

It was only as she arrived outside his apartment block that she’d realised where she was and why she was there. She needed love and support and comfort, all the things Spike gave to her without question. She still wasn’t sure, as she climbed the stairs to his apartment, if she would tell him the whole truth, everything about Angels and the baby and the ultimatum. Spike did not approve of her seeing Angel anyway, especially since he discovered the ‘great ponce’ as he took delight in calling him, was a married man. Buffy knew her having her lovers baby had not gone down well with Spike either, but he had said he’d help her and support her and be there for her no matter what. Besides, lying to her greatest friend was not something Buffy liked to do, in fact she couldn’t remember ever really deceiving him, unless you count surprise birthday parties and general teasing and the like.

Buffy wasn’t sure that it were possible for her to look the man in the eye and tell a complete travesty of a untruth. Even if she could, the girl was almost certain Spike would see through her like glass.

As she reached the door to his apartment, she reached into her purse for the spare key he’d given her on the day he’d moved in. ‘You’re welcome here anytime, pet’ he’d told her with that grin of his that seemed to be infectious a bit that always made her smile too, she did so now just at the thought.

The key almost made it to the lock, before Buffy changed her mind and put the metal object away again. Today it did not feel right, almost as if all that had happened had invalidated the promise that she was eternally welcome in Spike’s home.

Instead of barging in as planned, she raised a fist and tapped on the door. Waiting for a reply, she wondered how she would start this conversation, what she’d say and what his reaction might be. The last thing Buffy needed was another fight, especially not with Spike.

After a moment, Buffy knocked again, a little louder this time, guessing that perhaps her friend had the radio on or was in the shower and hadn’t heard her first, lighter, knock.

When no reply came even then, the girl surmised he must be out, which was strange, she realised. It was Saturday which meant Spike could be at work, but she knew for a fact he only worked every other Saturday and last Saturday had been a work day for him, she remembered specifically because she’d asked him to come shopping with her and he’d reminded her that he couldn’t... ‘Some of us have to work, luv, remember?’ he’d said, she remembered clearly, ‘Maybe next weekend’

Well, here was next weekend and shopping was the last thing on anyone’s mind. But if Spike wasn’t working, was he not usually still in bed at...Buffy checked her watch...ten thirty on a Saturday?

Maybe today was different, she mused, it was certainly a different kind of day for her in no uncertain terms, and not in a particularly good way.

Turning from the door she knew so well, Buffy headed back down the stairs the way she had come just moments before, taking her cellphone from her purse as she reached the doors.

Like a painful game of hide and seek gone wrong, Willow stood outside Xander’s front door, Xander outside Buffy’s, Spike outside Willow’s. All just realising the person they’re looking for isn’t home. Three sighs, all very much the same, as the three turned dejectedly away.

‘Was I wrong?’ they all wondered, ‘Did I make the wrong decision?’

Willow slumped down to sit on the edge of her suitcase right outside Xander’s door. She couldn’t face home and she didn’t think she had the strength to start again and leave. She’d finally made up her mind to tell Xander what he meant to her, that she really truly was in love with him, and now with him not being there...She was left with a strange feeling, somewhere between relief at delaying and sadness that her plan hadn’t worked out.

Willow ran her hands back through her red hair and sighed deeply once again. Where would Xander be this early on a Saturday? ‘Maybe he went to my place to see me?’ she mused, ‘Or to Spike’s to see how he was doing?’ Completely sick of wondering now, and more so of dragging a suitcase behind her everywhere she went, she made herself as comfortable as possible atop her suitcase, back against the door of her best friends apartment, her new plan the simplest of them all - no running, no hiding, just waiting and then truth telling. She only hoped Xander came home soon and that she had the guts to say what she’d come to say when he did.

She had no idea, but the man she loved was not so far away. After trying Willows and Buffy’s apartments, he figured the final place to look would be Spike’s, but he was out too and walking around like this wasn’t doing any good. It was homeward bound for the Xan-man, at least for a while. He still wanted to talk things out with Willow, despite the sick-with-nerves feeling in his stomach, he wanted her to know how he felt before it was too late, but he’d not slept most of the night before from worrying and he was practically dead on his feet from the walking all morning.

As he came through the front door of his apartment building, he had no idea what awaited him, just two flights of stairs away...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Coffee, black, strong" Spike barked at the waitress of the Espresso Pump. Having not found Buffy at either her own apartment or Willows, he’d immediately realised who she was probably with - that wanker, Angel, he had no doubt.

"Bastard" he seethed to himself, playing roughly with a paper napkin in his hands as he leaned on the counter of the coffee shop. Last night he’d clocked less than three or four hours sleep and it was starting to tell on him even now. In frustration he tore the napkin to shreds, his hands needing something to do, he reached for a cigarette and his lighter and lit up.

The waitress didn’t speak, in fact she barely looked at Spike as she put the coffee cup in front of him and scuttled away. ‘Probably do look a bit scary’ Spike laughed humourlessly to himself as he thought about it. Wearing the same pair of jeans he’d worn the past two or three days, hair in disarray, clothes mostly black, cigarette hanging from his lips and a permanent scowl on his face, he noticed as he caught his reflection in the side of the silver metal coffee machine to his left.

What had become of him? Spike was not the kind of man to be in a coffee shop, half asleep and looking a mess on a Saturday morning, or any morning for that matter. He was never depressed, he was never violent, he was such a ‘together’ guy. Only Buffy could reduce him to his present state.

He didn’t want to go home, too much reminded him of her. Her things she’d left there when she’d stayed nights, gifts she’d given him, furniture she’d helped pick out, everything was about her.

Stubbing his cigarette out in a nearby ash-tray, he closed his eyes tightly, tried to push Buffy from his mind, and even if that were possible (which it was not) he knew he’d never be able to push her from his heart. What had he been thinking when he thought of going to see her, looking such a state, to tell her he was in love with her? Simple answer - he wasn’t thinking, he was only feeling.

One more coffee, then he’d go home, try to sleep if he could, though he doubted the caffeine would let him now... ‘Spike you’re a pratt’ he told himself in no uncertain terms, before giving up on the idea of more coffee and beginning the long drag home, the very place he’d said he didn’t want to be, lighting a second cigarette as he did so.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Outside of the building she knew a a second home, Buffy dialled a number she knew so well and waited...

"Hello" said a voice on the other end of the line, and Buffy smiled at the sound of it, at the sound of her Angel.

"I need to see you" she all but whispered, desperately into the phone. If Spike was not around, the only other man she wanted, the only other person, was her lover.

"Did you do what I told you?" came the stern reply, like a Victorian father to a small child who’d misbehaved.

"I made an appointment...three days time" she mumbled nervously, desperately fighting back tears that threatened to spill forth at any moment from the thought of what that appointment really meant.

"Good girl" Angel said more calmly and kindly, "I’ll meet you in the park, ten minutes"

"See you there" Buffy smiled now, "I love you" she added, softly.

He’d already hung up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy walked to the park as fast as her already tired limbs would allow, knowing she mustn’t be late, she’d never want to be, not for her Angel. She was at ‘their’ bench inside five minutes, and sat down to wait patiently for her man. A warm breeze blew her hair about her face as she fiddled idly with the strap of her purse. Turning her head she saw a woman, maybe two or three years older than herself she guessed, seated on the next bench, smiling and watching a small child, no more than three years old. The child, a blond and blue eyed little boy, giggled madly as he chased a multicoloured butterfly amongst the grass. As much as the pretty little thing made to fly away, it always seemed to come back down to the ground, right in front of the child that could be such a danger to its precious wings...

"Hey" said a voice in a harsh tome, to Buffy’s left. She swung her head around to see the form of Angel looming over her.

"Hey" she smiled widely as he sat down beside her, not too close of course as they were in a public place. They met in this park whenever they needed to talk, usually about when and where there next ‘date’ would be, of course sex session would have been a more fitting phrase...

"So, what did you need to see me about so urgently?" Angel asked her, leaning back on the bench, glancing sideways at Buffy.

"Oh, well, I..." the blonde stammered, "I just, there is no big reason" she admitted, " just needed to see you, needed you to hold me..." she leant toward him and he immediately jolted away.

"You know I can’t" he snapped in a low voice, "Not in public"

"I know" Buffy nodded sadly as she turned her head away, "I just..." she was not allowed to speak as Angel continued, ploughing right over her words.

"And you had me make excuses and sneak around just so you could sit next to me on a bench!" his tone got considerably nastier with every syllable, Buffy hardly dare look at him as she knew his blood was slowly boiling.

"Angel, please" she begged, tears forming once again in her hazel eyes, "it’s been a bad day and I..."

"I don’t have time for this" he snapped, interrupting her again as he got to his feet. With the nearby woman and child recently departed and no-one else around, he allowed himself to raise his voice a little, "Actually, I just don’t have time for you" he finished with his back to the distraught young woman whose heart he had just broken.

With that he began to stride away at some speed and Buffy took a moment to comprehend what he’d just said. Had he just dumped her, after she’d agreed to do what he asked, when she loved him so much, how could he do this.

In a moment, she was on her feet and racing after him. She caught up with him a short distance from the building where he lived.

"Angel, please" she cried, grabbing at his arm, a couple of people stopped and stared as she hung off his sleeve in clear distress, tears coursing down her face as she begged him to listen, to reconsider...

"Buffy, you’re making a fool out of yourself" he told her coolly, removing her grappling hands from his jacket and turning his back on her as she wept from sheer agony in her heart.

"No" she sobbed, "I need you" she chased him to the front door of his building and again made a grab at him as he opened the door to go inside.

"Well I don’t need you, not anymore" he said sternly, physically pushing her away. She stumbled at the step, but did not quite go down. Steadying herself she continued to sob as Angel turned to go into the building, only to be confronted by his wife.

"Angel?" Darla said with surprise as she met her husband by the door. Buffy blinked hard to control her tears, wiping her face with her hands, not knowing whether to stay and fight for the man she loved or run away.

"Darla, honey" the man smiled as he took her arm and turned her around slightly, "what are you doing out here?"

Buffy lifted her head to see this wife of Angels as said wife gave her response to her husbands question. Shock hit her like a ton of bricks - Darla was pregnant, by at least seven or eight months by the looks of things.

"I woke up and you were gone" the blonde frowned at Angel who tried to ignore Buffy’s presence, but Darla had already seen her there, crying her heart out, her eyes now wide as saucers and her mouth wide open as she realised the most awful truth.

"What?" she gasped, unable to take it in, "I don’t..." she couldn’t form the sentence, she could barely form a thought in her head. Angel had told her to kill their soon to be child because he didn’t want kids yet, he wasn’t ready, and here was his wife who was quite clearly going to give birth to his child in less than a month or two.

"Angel, who is this?" the pregnant woman asked the man who held her arm, desperate to get her back inside the building. He cast a backward glance at a still stunned Buffy before replying.

"Her, she’s no-one" he said, cold as ice, "nothing and no-one" he repeated. "Now come on baby, let’s get you back inside" he said, gently guiding her back into the building and toward the elevator. As he turned to close the door behind them, he looked down upon Buffy with a look of disgust.

"Buffy, go home" he practically spat, "and don’t ever call me again. It’s over"

No word would come, barely any sound as Buffy braced herself, her back against the wall. Tears ceased, too shocked to fall, the girl barely had breath in her body.

"Are you okay?" a voice asked to her side, a kind looking woman, the same one from the park, with the small blonde child at her heels.

Buffy gave no response, just pushed herself off from the wall and ran, ran away from everything towards, she had no idea where, not even acknowledging the woman who had tried to help her, or the small child beside that woman, remnants of a crushed butterfly in his little hand.

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