Loss. That was the overwhelming feeling that Buffy had inside of her. Loss of love, loss of the man she cared so much for, loss of feeling in her heart and reasonable thought in her mind. She wandered along the streets, not really sure where she was going, shocked and dazed, she had began running after Angel had told her it was over, but her run slowed to a sad walk as the shock reached her leg muscles and they almost ceased to function. On auto-pilot they took her through Sunnydale, down streets, across roads, her eyes not paying attention to her path or destination and several motorists honked their horns as she wandered out into the street right in front of oncoming traffic.

Somehow she made it to the door unscathed, the door that led into the building where Spike lived. As she glanced up her tired eyes realised where her feet had carried her and without a word, a sigh, a sound, a thought in her head, she went inside, passed straight by the waiting elevator and climbed the stairs.

One flight, two flights, three, all on automatic, without thinking about anything clearly, without considering why she was headed to Spike or what she was going to say to him when she saw him, and that was if he was even home, he wasn’t before.

Buffy was empty and numb and silent, in a long black tunnel that seemingly had no end. Not even the ability to cry was in her possession anymore, too many tears had been shed, she had none left.

The lack of answer to her sad knock on the door told Buffy that her friend had not yet returned home. One hand went into her purse, pulled out the key she possessed and this time she used it, still not thinking, not caring what she was doing, just doing it because her body knew how, it was a routine she’d done so many times and came so easily to her, her brain barely needed to function for her to carry out the actions.

Once inside she closed the door behind herself, cast an eye around the living room, then headed for the bedroom to lie down. Her body told her she needed rest, she collapsed fully clothed onto her friends bed, her eyes staring, unseeing, at the plain white ceiling for minutes, maybe hours, she didn’t know, until she heard the front door open and his familiar voice...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Xander stepped into the elevator to his apartment, travelled up the few floors and wandered out towards his front door, eyes tracing the ground in front of his feet, causing him to almost trip over the girl outside the door.

"Will?" he asked, with a questioning frown, he’d been looking for the girl for hours and here she was right on his doorstep, with a suitcase?

"Xander" the red-head gasped, glancing up from her hands where her head had been resting, "I was..." she almost let it go, let all the words spill out that she’d come to tell him but something held her back "waiting" she said eventually, "I was waiting, where have you been?"

"Er..." Xander stammered, shocked to see her here, his head spinning with what he was going to say to her, what he wanted to say to her and what he actually would say "I went to your place" he said eventually "and then Buffy’s and Spike’s too actually..." he almost laughed when he realised the ridiculous trek around town he’d made in search for a girl who was at his home anyway "no-one was home" he ended quietly.

"Well, I don’t know where Buffy and Spike are" Willow shook her head, still not getting up from her seat on her suitcase, Xander not moving either "but I wasn’t home cos I’m all...here and stuff" she said with a slight frown as she realised what a spaz she sounded and in front of Xander too!

"I see that, yeah..what’s with the luggage?" he wondered aloud, suddenly noticing what it was Willow was sitting on, "You planning a road trip? Or did you just know you’d be here a while?" he smiled, not able to let the conversation remain joke-less despite his fairly serious mood.

"No and yes" his friend answered the two questions, before changing her mind and thoroughly confusing both Xander and herself "I mean yes and no, or yes and, what I mean is...I don’t know what I mean" she sighed, putting her head in her hands again, frustrated that she couldn’t just say what she meant and mean what she said for once, instead of being a gabbling idiot as always when it came to serious thought and feelings.

"Maybe we should go inside" Xander suggested, having not really been paying attention to his friend anyway, too many of his own rambling thoughts were keeping his mind busy.

"No, I mean, yes. Yes, inside is good" she finally decided, standing up and moving to grab the suitcase beside her, just as Xander did the gentlemanly thing and made to carry it for her instead. Their hands caught each others on the handle and both smiled slightly at the strange new feelings the contact caused before pulling back their fingers as if they’d been burnt.

"I’ll get that for you" Xander said quietly as he opened the door to the apartment and dragged the item inside, Willow following behind and closing the door in silence.

The luggage was pushed to one side and keys landed on the table before two jackets joined them. Without invitation Willow took a seat in the place that was second home to her, but felt more than a little uncomfortable today.

"Er...coffee?" Xander asked, trying to find any excuse not to be alone in the room with his friend, trying to delay what he knew he had to do, hoping the right words would come to him in the time it took to make the drinks, to express these feelings he so far had few words to describe the magnitude of.

Willow nodded fast, also grateful for some extra time.

Unfortunately the five or ten minutes it took was just not enough for either of them and when Xander returned neither he nor the woman he now loved had thought of a way to tell the other how they truly felt. If only they could read the others thoughts, things would have been so much simpler!

"Xander, I wanted to..."

"Willow, I need to..."

When they finally spoke it was right over each other, causing both to smile in embarrassment.

"You first" Willow told him with a nod, again trying to delay.

"No, ladies first, always" her friend insisted, shuffling nervously on the sofa beside her, glad his gentlemanly manners would help him out here, he also needed time before he dropped his bombshell.

"Okay..." Willow stretched out the word, turning slightly in her seat to face the man she loved, "well..." came another elongated word and Xander was starting to worry about what she might say. There was a suitcase in the corner of his room that made him nervous, and the look on his best friends face and her lack of able-ness to tell him what she had to say was making him panic more than he was before.

"Oh no, I can’t tell you this" the red-head looked like she might cry as she covered her face with her hands. She was frustrated with herself beyond belief, but the worry of what might be said and done once the words escaped her mouth, the words that told Xander she wanted to be more than friends, that was causing the utmost panic inside of her.

"Sweetie you can tell me anything" Xander said much more calmly than he felt, wondering whether he should put his arm around her to comfort her. He usually would, when she was upset, without even thinking about it, but today was different and he wasn’t sure how to act anymore "We’re best buds, right?" he smiled a little and nudged her gently, afraid to touch her anymore than that right now. Her hands came away from her face as she heard his words, realising now that things couldn’t be any more painful than having Xander treat her as ‘best bud’ when she desperately wanted and needed more from him.

"Right, yes..." she said with a deep breath, preparing herself again, and she would have been okay if he wasn’t staring at her so much, with those beautiful eyes she felt she might drown in "Could you close your eyes?" she asked suddenly.

"Are you kidding me?" Xander almost burst out laughing, "Because I’ve seen that trick..."

"No" his friend sighed with annoyance, "I just can’t tell you this when you’re looking at me"

There was a slight frown on his face before he gave in and did as she asked, like always.

"Okay, but you are so lucky I trust you Will" he said as his eyes closed.

"I know..." came her reply, then a long pause before "I still can’t say it"

"Willow this is ridiculous" her friend complained, eyes wide open again as he made to stand up and walk away in frustration "would you just..."

He never made it to his feet as Willow grabbed him and crushed her lips to his. If she couldn’t say what she felt, there was no other way but to show him. Everything she felt she poured into that one moment.

‘If he didn’t understand after this, he never will’ was the only coherent thought she managed to have as she assaulted his mouth, until lack of oxygen made them both pull away.

Shock had stopped Xander from responding to her kiss, much as it stopped him from responding to her words as she began to talk at near lightening speed.

"I love you Xander, and I was afraid to tell you how much, and I almost ran away, but I couldn’t go, and I was scared you wouldn’t feel the same, and maybe you don’t but..."

She was stopped from rambling anymore by the feel of his lips covering hers. He shocked himself further by finally finding the courage to kiss her like that. It wasn’t really to interrupt and stop her rambling, since he wasn’t totally aware that she was still speaking. He’d heard ‘I love you’ and taken it to mean she was in love, whether that was what she meant or not. He was just so sure he was in love with her now, it overrode everything else. Besides, as childish as it sounded, she’d kissed him first...

As he kissed her, she kissed back, one kiss became two and three as deeper feelings emerged. Hands roamed to places they’d never been, at least not with each other, and in the hours that followed love was proven without the words. Dreamless sleep took over soon, dreamless because neither had anything left to wish for when they were wrapped up in bed, in each others arms, hearts beating together, a feeling of sheer contentment surrounding them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The long drag home was longer than Spike had intended. He wandered through parks, down streets, weaved in and out of people and shops, delaying having to go home because...he didn’t know why. Because things there reminded him of her, that was true, but beyond that, at home he’d be alone and forced to face his feelings and thoughts and general inner turmoil. Out in the streets there was too much noise, too many people to concentrate too much and he liked that.

Hours passed without him noticing before Spike finally decided home was where he should go. His body ached from walking and worrying combined, he’d like to sleep but knew he stood no chance. Maybe he’d just slob out on the sofa. When Buffy was confused or upset or depressed, she ate ice-cream, but Spike hadn’t got her sweet tooth and currently, an empty freezer, so he doubted her little cure-all would do him any good.

Wandering in through his front door, he sighed, threw his keys on the table, hung his jacket on the chair nearby, slumped down onto the sofa, ran his hands back through his hair.

The thought that wouldn’t leave him, the one fact that overrode everything else was how much he was in love and a large part of him still wanted her to know that. He could tell her, he would tell her, he decided unanimously, but this time he’d go about it better. He would make sure he looked decent, and he was going to be all planned and prepared when he saw her, know exactly what he wanted to say

"Buffy" he said aloud, preparing his speech right now, "there’s something I need to tell you..."

"How’d you know I was here?" the very girl he was ‘talking’ to appeared in the doorway from his bedroom.

"Buffy!" Spike gasped at the sight of her "Where the hell have you been?" he demanded to know, his shock not lasting as he moved forward and took hold of her, his hands on her upper arms "Are you okay?" he half frowned at the semi-vacant look in those eyes he knew he could drown in if he wasn’t careful.

"Am I okay?" she giggled madly, the first emotion she’d really had since she’d walked away from Angel’s front door "You want to know if I’m okay..." she continued almost hysterically, her maniacal laugh worrying Spike more than her tears ever had, he knew that laugh, he’d laughed that laugh and he knew it was dangerous, just like the despair behind it "okay, well, let’s see..." Buffy began quickly and sharply "I’m pregnant with a child I was told to get rid of if I really loved the guy I made it with, because he’s not ready for kids but ironically his wife’s about to drop a brat at any second and now that bastard has just dumped me" she rambled all in one breath, the stupid grin never slipping from her face, whilst the pain forming behind her eyes looked like it might drown her "so if that’s sounds okay to you, then yeah, I guess I’m okay, okay?" she ended abruptly and loudly, her giggles instantly dying and the real feelings taking over, a fresh bout of tears pouring forth as all the pain she felt imploded inside of her.

"Oh luv..." was all Spike could find to say as she collapsed into his waiting arms. He held her tight as he dared, almost fearing he might snap her into if he gripped her too hard. She looked so fragile, so helpless, but as much as Spike felt bad for her, he had to admit at least to himself that a large part of him was dancing with joy at the prospect of Angel dumping her, she’d be happier without him, right?

"God Spike, what am I going to do?" she gasped for oxygen as she tried to speak through her painful sobs.

"Wish I knew sweetheart..." Spike said softly, petting her hair and rocking her gently in his arms, absently realising she was ruining yet another of his shirts with her waterfalls of salt "well, for now you’re going to stay right here" he decided eventually "and Spike’s going to take care of you, okay?"

She looked up at him then, her pained hazel pools still glistening with even more tears yet to be shed, but there was a hint of a smile on her lips.

"I knew you would" she choked out "it’s why I came here, I just..." was as far as she got before her voice disappeared into nothingness again.

"It’s alright" Spike assured her, as her head disappeared beneath his chin again and he stroked her back soothingly "come on now, it’ll all be alright, I promise" he led her gently to the sofa and sat down, his legs threatening to buckle from his sadness for her and himself, a certain amount of shock at what the wanker had done and just because he was tired from his aimless walking around for many hours.

"He said I was nothing" Buffy cried, her words somewhat muffled by Spike’s drowning shirt, "that I meant nothing, that he didn’t have time for me..." she looked up suddenly to say "and I did what he wanted, I was going to, oh God Spike I was going to have an abortion for him" she crumbled yet again as she realised what a sacrifice she as going to make, what a terrible thing she was planning to do and all for the love of a man who cared nothing for her.

"It’s okay, pet" Spike told her, rubbing her back soothingly, "shush now, it’s all over now, he can’t hurt you here"

He knew ‘it’s okay’ was a big lie. He shouldn’t be shocked by the fact that Angel wanted Buffy to abort the baby, or even that she would go through with it willingly, but it made him feel sick to actually hear the words.

"I’m such an idiot" Buffy sniffed, tears subsiding as they again ran out, so many shed, her eyes had nothing left to give.

"No baby, you’re in love" he best friend sympathised, understanding almost exactly "Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, believe me, I know"

"You mean when you loved Drusilla?" she asked looking up at him and as he looked down into those eyes of hers, oh how easily he could tell her now, he could kiss her, he could...

"No pet, I mean...well, yeah, I s’pose" he bottled out when it came to the crunch, thinking better of being the rebound guy.

Buffy didn’t answer, just let Spike hold her tight, feeling better by the second just from being close to him.

"We do have tragic taste, don’t we?" he snorted, after a few moments of quiet, a silence that was getting very uncomfortable for him.

"Don’t you ever wonder..." he heard her practically whisper, not knowing that an idea was forming in her mind "why we never..." she trailed off, never looking up.

"Why we never what, luv?" he dared to ask, truly never believing she meant what he sort of hoped she meant.

As her eyes glanced up into his, he had no idea what was coming, until her lips landed on his own, desperate and hungry, he would have responded but his brain couldn’t take in what was happening, as her arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer.

"Buffy!" he gasped from shock and lack of oxygen when she finally pulled away from him.

"Spike" she said huskily, kissing his face, her hands beginning to roam over his body "I want you"

Without even meaning to, he found himself responding to her touch, his arms around her, his lips finding a path around her neck and throat, along her jaw to her mouth.

"Oh God Buffy" he whispered into their kisses "I love you"

Whether she heard him or not she didn’t answer, she wasn’t given an opportunity as he kissed her repeatedly and she kissed him back with equal force and desire. Fingers fumbled with buttons and clasps as they rose from the sofa and stumbled toward the bedroom, their bodies never untwining.

Somehow the door came open, neither was sure how and they didn’t really care. As they tumbled into the room, Spike’s foot knocked the door closed with a thump just before they fell onto his bed, and into the deep fiery realms of unbridled passion.

The sunlight through the bedroom window lit up her face and Spike marvelled at just how beautiful Buffy really was, even more so to him after the night they’d shared. It wasn’t as if he’d never slept with a woman before and he knew he was completely in love with her, but he’d felt things last night that he didn’t even know were possible. He’d been to the moon and back, at least it had felt like flying. Perhaps it had happened for a couple of dubious reasons and he had no doubt that if things hadn’t gone so wrong with Angel, Buffy would not even have kissed him last night, nevermind spent the night in his bed bringing some of his fantasies from the last few days to life in glorious technicolor.

Realising he’d been watching the girl sleep for a good ten minutes now and it was fast becoming the middle of the morning, Spike moved carefully out of the bed, so as not to wake his Sleeping Beauty, pulled on his jeans and headed for the kitchen. Breakfast in bed was the plan, she would no doubt be hungry, first from the crying, second from the other displays of emotion.

As he buttered the toast he was making, Spike was suddenly aware of another presence in the kitchen. He turned to see her there, again in his dressing gown, now looking so perfect in it he just wanted to take it off her again immediately, but he wouldn’t...

"Mornin’ pet" he grinned and she half-smiled as she sat down at the table with a thump. Her eyes half-closed, her brain not fully awake, she wasn’t aware of how close Spike was to her until a plate of toast appeared in front of her and his lips were on her face as he crouched beside her seat.

"What are you doing?" she asked, jerking away, her tone sounding a little shocked and Spike didn’t really know what to say.

"Kissing you?" he ventured as an answer to her question, wondering why she was asking such a thing after what they’d done the night before.

"Why?" she asked, wide-eyed like she didn’t understand and it appeared that she really didn’t. This in turn, caused shock for Spike who shook his head as if to clear his thoughts as he stood up to his full height again.

"I’m sorry" he said slowly, still lightly shaking his head and blinking hard as if trying to make sense of a riddle, "did I dream last night or did we make love several times?" he asked her, looking her straight in the eye, his words and the intensity of his gaze made her flinch and look away.

"We had sex Spike, there’s a difference..." the hurt in his eyes made her instantly wish she hadn’t said it, because she did love him, just not like that "not that it wasn’t great" she back-pedalled "but, it didn’t mean...I mean, we’re not in love or anything" she tried to explain "I just needed something, someone" she stood up and moved toward him "and you were there for me like you always are" moving to put her arms around him in a friendly, grateful kind of a hug, she was stupidly surprised when he flinched away, backed-up two or three steps until the kitchen counter prevented him going any further.

"What’s the matter with you?" she asked with a frown before his anger exploded like Vesuvius.

"What’s the matter with me?!" he yelled, louder and more livid than Buffy had ever seen him "How can you stand there and..." his eyes stung with angry and painful tears and as he looked over at her, he realised she didn’t even see what she’d done to him. How could she know how much it would break him to have her and lose her like that all so fast, "I can’t, I can’t do this" he mumbled, grabbing his jacket and practically running for the door, she didn’t understand and he couldn’t explain, not now. He just couldn’t be near her , he needed time, needed space...

"Spike, where are you going?" Buffy tried to follow but he was too fast, slamming the door as he replied.

"Anywhere away from you" with some disgust in his tone.

"Spike!" she called behind him, tears coming to her own eyes yet again, truly not understanding just what she’d done to him, never able to comprehend just how much he was hurting, just how much his heart was breaking...and because of her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Stupid, selfish, unfeeling bint" Spike seethed as he strode away from the apartment building at some considerable speed, no particular destination in mind, just desperate to accelerate away from Buffy as much as possible.

How was it possible, he began to wonder, to be so inordinately happy one moment and your whole world come crashing down the next. He thought he’d reached rock bottom when he’d realised his deeper feelings for his friend too late, but he was introduced to a new kind of pain with the news of her pregnancy. Now the agony was indescribable. The woman he loved most in the world, had used him. Of course he’d done what he’d done willingly but he’d had no idea she would be so cold in the morning, that she had slept with him out of convenience, for cold comfort after Angel had told her where to shove it.

Squeezing his eyes tight shut for a moment, Spike was desperate not to let the imminent tears fall, but there was just no stopping them. He wondered after so many painful, tearful days, how there was still any salty liquid left in his body to escape from his eyes, but there was some and it put in a big appearance as he walked faster and faster, almost trying to outrun the stabbing pain in his heart. Of course, he never could.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy cried, as she sank to the floor of the apartment, her back against the recently slammed door. It was a wonder she had any tear left to cry, and even more of a wonder that the door she leant on was still on it’s hinges after the amount of abuse that had been thrown at it these past few days.

Buffy’s mind however, was stuck on the abuse she had caused to Spike, the damage she had done. She’d been so selfish and she saw that now. She’d used him cruelly, but at the time she’d not even realised.

Angel had dumped her, she as so desolate and lost, and Spike was there like he always was, bringing comfort, making the sun shine again in her dark and dank little world. His arms protected her, his voice soothed her, and last night, well Buffy had to admit she’d never felt anything like what his body had done to hers.

When she’d woken up that morning, the brief moment before her brain functions kicked in when everything was blank and calm and quiet, it had been bliss. Then her memories of the day before came flooding back and with them a tsunami of confused emotions. She was so hurt about Angel, so worried about their creation, so comforted and yet confused by thoughts of Spike, and so very unsure of what would happen next.

Finding she was alone in the bed and the room, she had ventured out into the kitchen where she could hear her friend pottering around, presumably making breakfast for them. How exactly would Spike have viewed last night? Buffy had no idea. Would he take it for what she had, for what it was? Comfort in her hour of need, a reunion between to friends who just needed some love, some contact, something..just something so that they weren’t alone. Or had it meant more to him?

‘Did it mean more to him?’ she wondered now as she sat on the floor of his apartment, tears suddenly ceasing as the shocking truth hit her right between the eyes. Could it be that Spike loved her? Not as the best friend he had always done, but as a lover? As a possible girlfriend? She hoped to God she was wrong, because if she was right, she was the most heartless bitch on the planet and she’d just hurt her best friend in cruellest most horrible way imaginable...knowing that shed never be happy again if shed truly lost her best friend, Buffy cried.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Hey" came Willows shy greeting to Xander as he opened his eyes and looked own at her.

"Hey" he answered in kind, both of them smiling, pleased to see the others head on the next pillow.

"How are you?" Willow asked politely, unsure what she was really supposed to say in this situation.

"I’m good" Xander nodded, a little nervous too, to be honest "you?"

"Good too" came the red-head’s answer.

"That’s good"

Silence reigned as neither knew what the other was thinking or even what they were thinking themselves. They’d been to places last night that they’d never thought imaginable, especially with each other and now, the morning after, everything was a little daunting.

"Will, about what happened...?" Xander began eventually, realising that one of them was going to have to bring up the subject of how they ended up as they were now, both naked beneath the covers of Willow’s bed, having only had an hour or so of actual sleep.

"I know what you’re going to say" the girl interrupted him, speaking fast with nerves "it was a horrible mistake and we should just be friends and nothing else" her hands gripped the top of the sheets so tight that her knuckles were going white as she fought the urge to cry all over the place.

"Is that what you want me to say?" the man beside her asked neither daring to look at the other just yet.

"Oh no" came her reply as she dared to glance at him "unless you want to say it? You don’t, do you?" she begged with her eyes for him to be kind, and if he really did want to put it down to experience and forget all about it, at least she hope he’d let her down gently.

"Willow, baby" he said in a soft tone that she was glad to hear "I’ve always loved you and, somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you" he smiled as she looked over at him, his eyes boring into her, nothing but love and affection there "So no, last night was not a mistake or something I regret" he said reaching over to take one of her hands in his "it’s something that was very special, just like you"

"Oh..." Willow sighed, shifting over closer to him until their lips met in a loving kiss.

"You do know I’m in love with you too right" she checked as they broke apart "like completely"

Xander would’ve laughed at the speed she spoke and the look on her face when she said it but for once it was not all about jokes and things being funny, he was seriously in love with this girl.

"I didn’t know, til last night" he confessed "but you kind of showed me then"

Willow had to giggle even if Xander didn’t think it was appropriate right now.

"Want me to show you again?" she asked him, a distinctly mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Without a second thought, Xander grabbed her and pulled her to him in one movement.

"Well, it’d be rude of me to refuse an offer like that, right?" he smirked, pulling her into a kiss that soon became a whole lot more, as they showed each other just how in love they were, all over again.

Despite the fact that the sun shone high in the California sky, Spike felt as if he were in the coldest, darkest place in the world. User, it was a nasty word and not one he ever thought he’d have to use where Buffy was concerned, but she had used him in such a horrible way, played with his feelings and emotions, and now he was just so hurt an confused by it all.

Part of him wanted to wake up and find that the night before as well as this mornings consequences were nothing but a dream turned nightmare, because God help him if he let himself believe this were real...it was just too hard.

And yet there was a part of him that wouldn’t part with the memory of their night together for anything in the world. The way it felt to be with her that way, it was more amazing than he ever could have imagined, and there was no doubt in his mind it only felt that good because he was so in love.

Could it really be possible that she had used him, that what they’d done meant nothing more to her than a little cold comfort when she was upset. Spike had a hard time taking in the concept that Buffy could act that way, but given the company she kept could he really expect much better from her? Perhaps, she’d learnt too much from Angel. After a year of seeing him, was it really any wonder that his bad habits, his nasty way of treating people, had rubbed off on her?

After several hours of aimless walking, the young man decided he should head home. It was his apartment after all, and if the silly bint was still there he’d just chuck her out, he could do that...right? A humourless laugh escaped Spike’s lips as he headed back towards the building where he lived. He knew damn well that as much as she’d hurt him, he’d forgive his precious Buffy anything, and if she wanted to use him again, he knew he was idiot enough to let her have that chance. He truly was love’s bitch, the only shred of dignity he could find was at least he was man enough to admit it.

As he entered the building he saw the elevator doors close and with a sigh he headed for the stars instead. Half of him dreaded the fact he may have to face the girl he both loved and hated right now, the other half stupidly wished she was still there and that maybe she’d realised in his absence that she truly did love him and that they could live happily ever after...

"Stupid sod" Spike mumbled to himself, almost angry that he allowed himself to think such stupid things when he knew his wishes would not come true, that all his daydreaming was in vain.

The half of him that had not wanted to see Buffy was relieved to find the apartment empty, of people at least, but something was different. An envelope lie on the coffee table, her handwriting spelling out his name, William. He closed his eyes and fought back tears. His full first name was never a good sign, not from anyone, least of all Buffy. Something too serious was in that envelope, something that would alter his life, no doubt. Only when she was truly angry, which almost never happened, or truly serious, as he guessed she was now, did Buffy use the name William to address him.

With shaking hands, he lay his keys on the table and picked up the envelope, opening it up and carefully pulling out the single sheet of paper that resided there.

Shaky writing, still recognisable as Buffy’s, but only just, covered half of the small piece of paper, noticeable wet patches punctuating the sentences, she’d still been crying as she wrote it.

Never taking his eyes from the page, Spike slumped down onto the sofa and began to read the words his bestf friend had written.

‘I don’t know what to say, except that I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, Spike, I’m not sure what I thought I was doing, I still don’t know really, but I do know nothing is going to get resolved if I stay here. I’m going away, I doubt I’ll still be in Sunnydale by the time you find this. I need some time to think, about everything, and maybe you do too. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine. I’ll see you soon William, and again, I’m sorry. Love always, Buffy’

She was gone, just like that. Up and left because she knew she’d hurt him. He’d driven her away? The thought made Spike feel sick, and he told himself he couldn’t take all the blame. It took two to tango, or partake of the horizontal rhumba as the case maybe, but whichever way he looked at it, whichever way he cut the blame, or tried to make sense of it all, it came down to one simple fact - Buffy was gone, and Spike wasn’t sure he knew how to exist without her there.

For almost twenty years they’d lived in each others pockets. When they went on vacation with their families as children, they’d missed each other terribly, to the point where the Summers and Johnson families would take it in turns to take both kids with them when they went away. Inseparable friends, they had always been that way, and knowing she was gone, not knowing where or for how long, Spike felt as though losing a limb but be less painful and inconvenient, but he would have to deal. The note said she’d already be gone by now and glancing at the clock, he guessed it was true. He’d left the apartment several hours ago, she probably hadn’t been far behind him. Again, Spike put his head in his hands and cried, for the loss of the woman he knew he could never live without.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Resting in the arms of her best friend and lover, Willow could not have been more happy or content. She’d felt so wretched just twenty four hours earlier, torn between running away or facing her fears about the feelings she was having for Xander. So scared of the reaction she would get when the words ‘I’m in love with you’ spilled out of her mouth, the red-head had finally decided it could not be worse than living without the man who’d always been in her life, who she cared so much about.

Willow snuggled closer to that man, her back against his body, his arms around her, her head resting back on his chest under his chin.

"I love you" she told him unnecessarily, she’d told him as well as shown him so many times already in the last few hours.

"I know" he murmured into her hair, "and I love you too" he told her, kissing the top of her head.

A deep sigh came from the girl then, and the man holding her close, realised with a frown it was not such a happy sigh as it should have been.

"Will, is something wrong?" he asked, dreading what her answer would be. She had just said she loved him right? He hadn’t dreamt all the happy stuff?

"No" she replied, "well, yes, but not with us" she amended, turning around to face him, but never coming out of the circle of his arms.

"What’s on your mind, baby?" Xander asked, concern evident in his eyes, along with the love, as he brushed strands of Willows red hair from her face.

"Spike and Buffy" she admitted, "I just wish he had been as lucky as us, that she loved him the way he wants her too" a tear escaped the girls eyes and rolled down her cheek in silence and Xander felt awful just seeing that tear fall.

"I know, it’s tough for them" Xander sympathised, "but maybe they can work it out" he tried to be positive, but in his heart he knew he was less than confident for a happy ending for his two friends. "Come here" he beckoned to his girlfriend, as he pulled her close as he could get her and held her tight as a few more tears escaped for her friends sake.

Xander closed his eyes and fought back his own painful tears. Buffy was so blind when it came to Angel, sometimes he just wanted to grab her an shake her until some sense got knocked into that brain of hers, but blindness wasn’t a crime, especially where love was concerned. Hadn’t he been blind about his feelings for Willow, and her for him too? It had taken all this time for Spike to realise his feelings too, Xander only wished that things had been different for the bleach blond he’d come to think of as a brother over the years.

Spike was a good man, sure he liked to act cool and tough sometimes, but the guy had a heart of gold and the biggest priority in his life was always his friends, especially Buffy. They were as inseparable as he and Willow were, at least he’d thought so. Even when Spike had dated Drusilla, he’d come back to Buffy, leant on his best friend, when the black goddess had flitted town, with Riley, the diabolical fiend, who had pretended to be Spike’s friend in college.

And now, well, now the guys world was falling apart because Buffy had decided that scumbag Angel was who she was in love with. She couldn’t just fall in love with Spike and make their little group perfect? No, she couldn’t be expected to turn her feelings on and off, anymore than anyone else could. It was all just an unfortunate situation and it made Xander think how lucky he was that he and Willow loved each other so much.

"You know" he said softly, "maybe we shouldn’t tell them...about us"

"Why not?" Willow asked, her head snapping up and almost knocking Xander’s off his shoulders as she looked him in the eye, practically terrified he might be ashamed or embarrassed that they were a couple now.

"Well, do we really want to ram our happiness down their throats? Especially Spike, he’s already so broken about the Buffster" the brunette explained and Willow sighed in relief before feeling bad for her friends again.

"You’re right" she nodded, again thanking her lucky stars that she’d been so fortunate that she was in love with this wonderful man who was in love with her too. Of course, the friends did not even know the whole story of Buffy and Spike yet. They had no idea Angel had dumped Buffy or that she’d found comfort and much more in Spike’s bed last night, or that the girl had run this morning, run away to heaven knows where...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The train pulled out from the station, it’s third stop since it had left Sunnydale and Buffy’s tears fell harder, the further away she got from her home and her friends and Spike. What she’d done had hurt him so badly, and when he hurt she did too. As if her being pregnant weren’t bad enough, and then Angel...she didn’t even want to think about him. She closed her eyes and willed the thoughts away, thoughts of what had happened between her and Angel, especially that look on his face, a mixture of contempt and disgust as he’d told her it was over.

What started to shock the blonde as Sunnydale slipped away along with her consciousness, was that the pain of losing Angel was not as bad as that she felt when she thought of the pain she’d caused her oldest and best friend. What she’d done with Spike, the night after her break up with Angel, in the morning she was confused by what it meant, but when she looked back on it, remembered it, she knew it had felt so right at the time, so natural and so wonderful.

Could it be that way if she didn’t love him as he loved her, she wondered. If it was only for comforts sake and no more, why had it felt so much more special than anything she’d shared with Angel? She didn’t understand and that was the other reason why she’d run away.

There was no way she was ever going to be able to sort out the thoughts and feelings swimming around in her heart and her head with Spike and even Angel so close by. She needed time and she needed space, just like she had told her friend in the note she left behind. Buffy would return to Sunnydale, she knew she would, in a few days or a few weeks, she wasn’t sure yet. The creation she carried inside of her would live for now, she didn’t have the reason to get rid of it anymore, though she was still unsure what she felt about it.

As sleep finally took over, the picture in Buffy’s mind was painful and yet beautiful, she saw Spike, and knew she would in every dream she had, until she came home.

Monday morning came too soon, and Spike just couldn’t face the thought of working. He called in sick yet again and he knew he was playing a dangerous game now, too many more days of alleged illness and he was going to be in some serious trouble with his boss, but his employment was the last thing on Spike’s mind right now, the main thing of course being Buffy.

Where was she? What was she doing? What was she thinking about? All questions that came to mind the moment his eyes opened, and possibly even before they had. Sleep had only been possible because he was so emotionally drained that his body just couldn’t function anymore until it had rested, even now that it had it’s much needed sleep, Spike still didn’t feel able to move. He felt numb and lost without his precious girl.

Desperate to think of other things, Spike forced himself off the bed and towards the kitchen. Still no food to speak of in the cupboards, he noticed, of course grocery shopping had been even further from his mind than his job, this last week or so. Breakfast was not going to happen and to be honest the bleach blond didn’t care, didn’t care about anything much this morning, except the girl that clouded his thoughts, that made him so happy just a short time ago and was now turning him into the most miserable man on the planet, just by not being there.

Spike decided even if he wasn’t going to work today, he had to find something to do, anything to occupy his mind. He went to the living room, sat down on the couch and flicked on the TV. The daytime shows were far from his kind of thing, all for bored housewives, and nothing to interest this young man. He sighed as he turned the set off again and his mind immediately went to Buffy.

It was no good, he could think of nothing else. He wondered if talking to someone about it might make it better, he doubted it but the boredom and loneliness were going to drive him insane, if thoughts of his best friend didn’t get there first.

Guessing he would be at work or at least on his way there by now, but deciding to try anyway, Spike picked up the phone and called Xander’s apartment. After five rings he was about to hang up but a voice said ‘hello?’ just before he did.

"Xander? It’s Spike" he said in as normal a tone as he could, "You busy, mate?"

"Spike" Xander greeted, "I was just, well, I...is everything okay?" he wanted to know, noticing his friends voice was not as cheerful as usual, and of course remembering how upset he’d been when he’d last seen him.

"Everything is..." Spike was going to say fine, but he knew such a blatant lie would be easily identifiable to his friend even on the phone, he was too upset to get such an untruth out of his mouth without crying like a poof, he was sure "Everything is horrible" he admitted with a sigh, "Don’t s’pose you could spare us a couple of hours for a chat, could you?" he asked him, "Kind of a man to man thing"

Xander looked from the living room through to his own room where Willow still lie in his bed, asleep right now, tired out despite the fact neither of them had really left the bed for the past twenty four hours and more, but then they weren’t exactly doing a lot of sleeping in there. The brunette sighed, he’d already called work and managed to get the day off but so had Willow and the plan was to spend it together...

"Sure, I don’t have to work anyway so I’ll be right over" he said into the phone, knowing Wills would be upset but also that she would understand Spike needed a friend right now. Something awful had probably happened with Buffy since Friday when he’d last seen his best male friend, and he had to be there for him when he asked. Help was not something Spike often asked for, in anything, which made Xander all the more concerned about him.

"Thanks mate" Spike answered sincerely, "Means a lot"

As the two men hung up the phone, Xander wandered back to his room and lightly shook Willow’s shoulder.

"Hey sweetie" he smiled and spoke softly as her eyelids flickered open.

"Hey" she grinned, before asking, "why are you all standing and with the clothes and everything?"

"I’m sorry honey but I’m gonna have to go out for a while. I think something happened with Spike and the Buffster, he just called and he doesn’t sound so good" Xander explained as he pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a white T-shirt, then hunted around for his shoes.

"Is he okay?" Willow asked, sitting up, pulling the sheets around her body as she watched her new boyfriend search frantically for his footwear, "I mean, you don’t think he’d do anything stupid, do you?"

In all honesty, Xander didn’t know what Spike would do, he had no idea how upset he was or even the whole reason why, but he couldn’t tell Willow of his worries.

"I’m sure he’ll be fine" he attempted a smile as he pulled on his newly found shoes and moved toward the bed again, "I’ll be back as soon as I can, but you do understand why I have to go right?" he practically begged her with his eyes to not be mad at him, oF course she never could be.

"It’s okay" the red-head smiled, and he rested a hand on the side of her head and kissed her softly on the lips, "You want me to come with?" she asked as he pulled away again.

"No you stay here" the brunette told her, "I think this is a guy kind of a thing" he explained, "and besides, I need you to keep the bed warm for when I get back" he grinned, mischief twinkling in his eyes as he moved in to kiss her again. It took a lot of will power for him to walk away, but he did and it took just a few minutes to walk to Spike’s apartment.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Thanks for coming, mate" Spike managed half a smile as he let Xander into the apartment. The brunette nodded in response as he came in and both men took a seAt on the couch. Silence reigned and it was starting to annoy Xander.

"Spike you asked me to come over here to talk" he said looking over his friend whose eyes were fixed on the carpet "and now you’re all big with the silence, what gives?" he asked him.

"Buffy’s gone" came the almost inaudible answer.

"Gone?" Xander echoed, panic rising in his voice "Gone where? What do you mean by gone?"

"Left Sunnydale, don’t know where she’s headed" Spike shrugged, before looking over at his mate and seeing definite fear in his eyes "don’t worry, she’ll be back" he assured him "just needs time to think, so she said..."

Xander looked a little calmer then as Spike went back to his in-depth study of the floor coverings. The non-resident of the apartment still had questions that needed answered, but his friend was not exactly forthcoming with the information.

"Think about what?" Xander prompted "Spike, come on man, tell me what happened"

A humourless laugh escaped the man’s lips as his hands ran over his face, then pushed his hair back from his forehead.

"Where do you want me to start?" he asked.

"Beginning’s always a good place" the man beside him suggested and with a sigh, Spike began his monologue about Buffy and how Angel had dumped her, followed by his arrival home to find the distraught girl already there. It was a lengthy explanation during which Spike lit up a cigarette and Xander did not complain about passive smoking and lung cancer as he usually did. Spike had gone through enough these past few days, he at least deserved one cigarette in peace, if that’s what he felt he needed. As the most important part of the conversation came, Spike’s pauses in his speech became much longer and Xander was practically falling on the floor he was so far on the edge of his seat.

"And then, she just kissed me and...I dunno how it happened" the bleach blond shook his head as he explained the events of Saturday night and Sunday morning "we just didn’t stop and...y’know" he looked away, suddenly very uneasy.

"You and the Buffster made with the ...making?" Xander asked, wide eyed and completely shocked by what he’d just been told. The very fact that his two friends had been together that way was surprising enough, but that made Spike’s misery such a mystery now.

"Yeah, all night" Spike answered with a dreamy kind of a smile, that quickly disappeared as he exhaled smoke into the room "I thought I’d died and gone to heaven, then in the morning..."

"She blew you off?" Xander guessed, and that was why Spike was so bummed all over again.

"Got it in one" came the reply, his friends voice much quieter than usual as he stubbed his fag out on a coaster that sat on the coffee table.

"Geez, Buffy is like one of my best friends, and I know you’re in love with her" Xander sighed "but man, that girl has serious issues with guys!" he realised, thinking of Angel as well as Spike.

"Don’t I know it" said the man beside him, taking a second cigarette from the packet and lighting up again "Kind of gives me problems too though" he said "what with the whole being in love with the silly bint and all" he laughed but his heart wasn’t in it and Xander tried desperately to look sympathetic, and not cough up a lung as Spike blew smoke all over him.

"Okay, I need a beer" the brunette announced, thinking logically that Spike couldn’t have a can of alcohol and a cigarette at his mouth at the same time "and I think you do too" he nodded, standing up and heading for the kitchen.

"You won’t find any in there" Spike called after him "or anywhere for that matter. I’ve sort of drunk the place dry, one way and another" he explained with a half smile as Xander turned back to him.

Glancing between his friend and the door, the man on his feet decided it was safe to leave Spike alone, just long enough to fetch some foamy goodness. He was miserable but not suicidally so, at least Xander hoped not, it was often hard to know exactly what was going on in that guys head...

"Okay, give me ten minutes" he said eventually, heading for the door.

Practically running to the nearest store and back, Xander’s mind whirled with intense thoughts. Angel had dumped Buffy. Buffy and Spike had slept together. Buffy was gone. Spike was in love with her and miserable again. Then there was himself and Willow. The one thought amongst all the badness that brought a smile to his face, and Xander felt horribly guilty for it.

As he came back to Spike’s front door and knocked, he knew it was all going to come to the point where he was going to have to lie to his friend, one way or another. He couldn’t tell the truth, couldn’t tell him he’d had the day off work to spend in bed with Willow, couldn’t tell him he was in love with her and she felt the same, how awful would that be for the guy who had been so unfortunate in his own situation of the being in love with his best friend?

Xander knew if his life had have been a plot in a movie he was watching, he’d be laughing by now at how ridiculous it was. Four friends, two guys and two girls, three of which fall for each other, a fourth who doesn’t. Throw in some sex and confusion and bring to the boil with a whole load of tears and misery, there it was on a plate, his life, his friends lives, the comedy show of the year to a passer-by.

Four hours past before Xander left Spike’s apartment and headed back to his own. During that time they’d talked over everything, old times as well as the painful present, the brunette being careful how much alcohol he drank for fear of divulging the secret he knew he must keep for everyone’s sake. Spike had come so close to crying several times and Xander was pretty sure when he left that his friend would release so many tears when he was finally alone, left with the best cliché Xander could come up with at the time ‘things will get better in time’.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As the young man entered his apartment once again, he found Willow, no longer in his bed but sitting on the sofa, watching TV and stuffing cookies in her mouth, a sure sign she’d been worrying, Xander knew, Willow was not big with the over-eating of sweet things, unless something was bothering her.

"Hey I thought you were keeping that bed warm, Worry-Girl" he smiled as he came to sit beside her on the couch.

"I was" she nodded, trying to swallow before she sprayed her lover with crumbs, "and I’m not Worry-Girl" she protested, before adding off Xander’s look, "okay, so I was a little worried...is Spike okay?"

"Not so much" came Xander’s grim reply, "it’s a long story but before we get into it there’s something I have to say" he said as seriously as he’d ever said anything.

Willow put the half empty box of cookies down on the coffee table, turned off the TV and swallowed hard, before turning to the man she loved, sharing a serious look with him.

"Okay" she nodded, "say it" she readied herself for whatever good or bad might come.

"Willow" Xander said slowly, "I want you to know that I’m so completely in love with you, and that last night was, in more ways the one, the most incredible night of my life. And if you don’t feel the same, or you regret anything about it, I want you to tell me now, because I don’t think my heart couldn’t take the breakage if you wait too long to tell me"

With tears behind her eyes and a ghost of a smile on her lips, Willow lifted a hand to Xander’s face, running her fingers over his cheek and back through his hair, without a word. She leaned forward slowly until her lips touched his in the sweetest of kisses, before pulling away slightly and smiling.

No words were needed, he knew what she meant. She felt exactly the same and their love would be eternal they both knew, as the gap between them closed once again, and they became as close as it was humanly possible to be once again. It was several hours before Xander got around to telling Willow about Spike and Buffy, but there was no doubt in either of their minds by the time those hours were over, that they were both completely in love with each other.

A week passed and despite Xander’s positive words, things did not get better for Spike. It was Sunday, exactly one week since he’d woken up at Buffy’s side, since she’d told him their night had been only for comforts sake, since she’d walked out of his apartment and out of Sunnydale and his life, for now at least.

As much as he tried nothing shifted the depressing thoughts of Buffy’s lack of romantic feelings for him from his mind. He needed, at the very least, to know where she was, what she was doing...

Spike shook his head in frustration. After a week of fitful sleep, tears and sorrow, emptiness and nothingness, he’d taken every day off work, and only spoke to Willow and Xander when he really had to. They worried about him, he knew it, but he couldn’t face them, couldn’t pretend to be okay when it felt like he was being physically ripped apart from the inside out.

Today had to be different, he told himself as he wandered into the kitchen and got a glass of water from the tap. He gulped it down, as if to drown the feelings he had inside, before slamming the glass onto the counter and sighing deeply, the tap still running slightly by itself.

Silence reigned in the apartment as it had a lot these past seven days and nights. Everything completely quiet except for the quiet swoosh of the water from the tap and one other thing Spike realised.

Why he suddenly found it so annoying was a mystery to him, but the constant dripping sound made by the leak somewhere beneath the sink, was driving him insane. Normally, he barely paid attention to it, hence the fact that three months after noticing said leak, he had still not bothered to fix it. He’d meant to of course, he figured it would be a simple enough job, something he could do in an hour or less, one weekend when he wasn’t too busy or too lazy, but that weekend never came, until today.

Thinking of Buffy, worrying and wondering and going over and over things in his mind was making Spike crazy and he needed something, anything to take his mind off the topic of her.

In the problems of the apartments plumbing, he would find his escape, a small job was all it was but it would require concentration on something other than Buffy, so it was all good.

Turning off the tap, Spike opened up the cupboard doors underneath the sink and began to empty it so he could gain access to the pipes, carefully standing the contents of the cupboard on the floor to the side of him.

It wasn’t long before the top half of Spike’s body was hidden inside the formerly full cupboard, his legs sticking out across the kitchen floor as he tried to ascertain exactly where the leak was coming from and what he might need to do in order to fix it.

As he ran his hand along the pipe, he found no cracks or holes and realised the leak must be coming from a loose joint rather than a break. Knowing now the job would only require the wrench he was sure was hidden somewhere and some of that brute force he knew he definitely had, Spike crawled out of the cupboard and lifted himself off the floor to go find the tool he required, tripping over a bottle on the way and spilling bleach all over the kitchen floor.

The air turned blue with a few of Spike’s favourite curses as he attempted to clean up the yellow/green goop that wanted to engulf the entire tiled surface of the floor. After many attempts with various implements, the floor was clear of bleach, but one patch of tiles were distinctly whiter than the rest.

It shouldn’t bother him, a guy in his early twenties, living alone, a free agent, the last thing he needed to worry about was the state of the kitchen floor, but it bothered him. It bothered him not because he’d spilled something, not because the floor was two different shades, not because he cared about it himself, but because he knew Buffy would notice and she wouldn’t like it.

‘No’ he reprimanded himself, inside his head, ‘no thinking about her’ he thought as he went to look for the wrench he needed to fix the leaky pipe. A couple of minutes of digging in his toolbox and there he found what he needed and returned to the kitchen to take up his previous position, half in and half out of the cupboard beneath the sink.

As it turned out, the joint that required tightening had rusted itself in the wrong position and despite Spike’s best efforts to fix the problem, it just refused to budge. His anger rising at his failure, Spike pulled the wrench one final time, as hard as he could, completely wrenching the pipe so hard he pulled the joint clean off and sent water spraying everywhere!

"Bloody buggering hell..." this and much worse curses flowed from his lips as the bleach blond escaped from beneath the sink, desperate to force back the water that was firing at him, before he completely drowned.

Taking a deep breath and trying to lean to one side of the spray, Spike pushed the joint back into place and tightened it with the wrench, as quickly as he could. The speed was however somewhat in vain as the floor was already covered with water which now soaked through his blue jeans as he knelt on the floor. His lesser worn white T-shirt clung to his body, completely soaked through, and it was difficult to tell if the droplets on his face and in his hair were sweat from the exertion of the task or water from the pipe he’d been working on.

Breathing somewhat heavily, Spike slumped down in the puddle on the kitchen floor, staring at the now fixed plumbing beneath the sink, figuring he was so wet now it didn’t really matter if he got a little bit wetter. It was a warm day and the water was cold, almost pleasantly so and even if it were uncomfortable, the young man would probably not have noticed, especially when he heard a sound behind him. He swivelled around and came face to legs with a woman in his kitchen doorway, before he even glanced up he knew who’s face he would see.

"Kind of a mess in here" Buffy attempted a smile as Spike scrambled to his feet, unsure whether to speak or laugh or cry or if he might dare to hug his friend that he’d missed so much, been so confused by his feelings for.

"Yeah" he nodded, in answer to her comment, taking in the sight of her, as beautiful as ever, if not looking a little tired and almost as uncomfortable as he felt. She blushed, he noticed and was unsure why until he remembered the state of himself.

Buffy glanced away from him, she’d had a tough time this last week trying to figure out her exact feelings for this man, whether it was just physical attraction and friendship she felt, or whether it was something more.

Walking in to see him standing there, his wet clothes clinging to his gorgeous body, droplets of water running from his currently slicked back hair, rolling down his perfect face. Trying to find another place to look was complicated, the kitchen was small and he was right in front of her. In a moments madness her gaze landed on his own, those bright blue eyes that used to bring such comfort to her were either trying to drown her or burn a hole into her, she wasn’t sure which, she wasn’t sure whether she minded either...

Spike made a sound of realisation as he glanced away from her and down at himself. He must look a strange sight, he realised, soaked through from head to toe, like he’d showered in his clothes or something, well in essence he supposed he had, even if it was unintentional.

The idea that Buffy’s silence and embarrassment were caused by her attraction to him in that moment, never crossed Spike’s mind. He could think of nothing but the fact she was back, he felt equal parts thrilled to see her, pained as he remembered she did not feel the same as he did, and embarrassed at the state she had found himself and his home in.

"I should, er..." he stumbled on what he meant to say. The sentence that he managed to form in his head seemed unable to get out of his mouth correctly. Unable to be verbal at all, Buffy only nodded, looking at her feet which shuffled nervously until Spike had disappeared from view.

It was going to be an interesting afternoon.

Buffy had entered the apartment by way of her key when Spike had not answered her knocking. She was a little worried since she could hear noises coming from inside the apartment and yet her friend did not respond.

It had taken her a week, seven days to put everything straight in her head. She wasn’t in love with Angel anymore, she saw what he was and she hated him. It had taken that day, the day when she’d seen Darla as pregnant as she could be, the day Angel had said she was nothing, the day she had fallen into Spike’s arms and then his bed.

It was so clear to her now that Liam O’Conner was indeed the devil incarnate that everyone professed him to be, and she knew she was much better without him in her life. If course one part of him was still in her life, the creation that resided inside her, half herself and half her former lover. She could have got rid of it, still had the chance, but the thought of wilful destroying a life like this turned her stomach, made her feel physically sick. Buffy could not understand how she had ever agreed to such a thing before, but then she’d been in so deep with Angel, he could have told he to jump off the Brooklyn bridge and she probably would have done so willingly, without a second thought.

It scared the girl when she thought about it, when she realised just what a hold he’d had on her, but no more. She was her own woman now, with her own thoughts and feelings. If only these thoughts that she now had control over were not so muddled, she might be okay.

Spike, her best friend and her lover for just one faithful night, he’d taken up a lot of space in her head too, and dare she say also in her heart. She loved him, of course she did, had done since they were kids and knew she would forever, but to be in love with him...Buffy had just never looked at Spike in a physical attraction kind of a way. Sure, they’d slept together that night, he’d taken her to places that she’d never even dreamed she could go, but, well, it never occurred to her that it could be because she was in love with him, not until now.

Bt what she’d done to this man, the horror of how badly she’d treated him, that haunted her. He may be able to forgive her, in time, but she was sure he could never be in love with her. Even if he had been before, which she thought was unlikely, how could he ever be now. It was all such a mess, but Buffy had felt she had a solution, a solution that right now was just not working.

Things needed to go back to normal. Buffy had been sure when she got on the train to come back to Sunnydale that given time, and some extreme hormone battling on her part, she could get over what ever this thing was that she’d started to feel for Spike, they could both move on from their little indiscretion and be best friends again like they had always been.

Walking in and seeing him looking like that, so very... ‘no, don’t go there’ she’d reprimanded herself, as he stood before her, and all she wanted to do was re-enact things she’d been trying to repress. Now, ten minutes later, here he was again and despite the fact he was now dried off and in different clothes, he still looked gorgeous and Buffy was seriously beginning to wonder how she’d ever been so blind, that she hadn’t noticed until now just how attractive Spike really was.

"I think we need to talk" he said too quietly, Buffy was not used to such a nervous tone or look from this man. She nodded once and they moved to sit down, pushing themselves into the ends of the sofa, the biggest gap between them as was possible on a couch that would barely seat three people who were fairly close anyway.

"Where did you go?" was his first question, and she was almost relieved that the first of the many she was sure were coming was so easy.

"LA" she said in a whisper, "I visited Cordelia"

Spike nodded, and smiled a little, he had no doubt Cordy would have a few choice words to say on the subject of Angel and himself and everything else. She had been a good friend to Buffy and himself during college and then she’d gone on to Los Angeles to find a career in acting. She was a nice enough girl and Spike always liked her, as Buffy did, he wondered though, just how much of the story of the past couple of weeks Buffy would have divulged to Miss Chase.

"I didn’t tell her everything" Buffy continued, answering the question in Spike’s head as if she’d read his mind, she did things like that a lot, "Just that Angel and me broke up and I felt like a break from Sunnydale, wanted to see my friend..." she trailed off, realising Spike was still looking at the floor and the walls and everywhere that wasn’t at her. Was he even listening?

"Spike?" she prompted, putting her hand on his arm without thinking and causing them both to jump as he looked over at her suddenly, "I’m sorry" she said quietly, not sure exactly what she was apologising for, but knowing she just wanted to. She was sorry for hurting her best friend, sorry for lying, sorry for herself, sorry for everything.

"I know" came her friends reply, "I know that you’re sorry"

Of course he meant something different. He thought she was sorry for the night they’d spent together, the night he thought was about true love and that she said was only for comforts sake, he thought she regretted that and it hurt more than anything else ever had. But she was still his friend, his best friend, and even if he could never have her as a lover, he had to have her as a friend, couldn’t bear to live in a world where she wasn’t at his side.

"So..." he sighed, "S’pose we should put all this behind us now" he said as he looked over at her, "Move on"

"As friends?" Buffy checked, so scared he meant move on without each other, tears coming to her eyes again, her voice barely audible as emotion took it.

"As best friends luv" he managed a smile, "Wouldn’t have it any other way"

Buffy cried then, for joy and sadness. She moved closer to her friend, dared to put her arms around him and hugged him close, so happy to be there again, in that apartment, in those strong arms. Tears fell because she was so glad to be back there with him, so glad they could still be friends, but some pain was felt within her as she realised she had been right and friends was all he wanted.

Spike was having the same feelings, though neither knew of the others mixed emotions. As he hugged her tightly to him, breathed in the scent of her hair, fought back the droplets that tried to escape his eyes, he told himself to be thankful for what he had got, instead of wishing for those things he could never have. He had his best friend back in his life, for now at least, that was enough. It was only as the pair came out of each others embrace, that a thought hit him...

"Buffy, pet" he began, not hugging her anymore but still sitting close, almost uncomfortably so, "the baby?" he had to ask what had happened about that. Had she gone through with the termination or had things changed since Angel dumped her?

"I can’t" she choked out, her emotions still causing tears and a lack of voice.

Spike sighed as he looked at her, not the strong woman she used to be, but a scared little girl since Angel, the great wanker, had got his claws into her.

"It’s okay, luv" he assured her, pushing a few stray strands of her blonde hair behind her ear, "I’ll be with you, even come to the place with you if you want" he promised, "I understand that you can’t cope with a kid and..."

"No" Buffy shook her head violently, "No, I can’t do it" she tried to explain, "I can’t get rid of it"

Spike wasn’t sure whether that was good or bad. Of course to destroy what could be a child soon seemed callous and cruel, but this creation was half made of that bastard Angel and he hated the thought of Buffy having any connection to him at all. It was her life though, her creation inside her body, and therefore her decision to make.

"Well" he said slowly, "I’ll still be here" he told her, looking away and then into her eyes, "Every step of the way Buffy" he said, taking hold of her hand in his and looking completely serious, "I will be here for you, always"

Not quite the reaction he was expecting, but Buffy began to sob uncontrollably before he’d even finished speaking. She was so happy that he would want to help her like that at the same time feeling so unworthy of his affection for her. He would help her through her pregnancy, she knew he meant it, just as he would have supported her should she have chosen to abort the not-yet child. She cried harder and Spike wrapped his arms around her once again, rubbing a hand up and down her back to soothe her tears as salt water soaked the front of his shirt, again.

So many tears had been shed, this past week or two. Her tears and his, not to mention those he knew they had caused their other friends to shed. But no more, he told himself. Things had to go back to normal, them being best friends, no more and no less. No more tears or heartache, there had been enough of that, but after all that had happened, with his feelings for her and her having Angel’s baby, could things ever go back to normal?

As Buffy sobbed into her friends chest, she wished and wondered the same way. She would have her ex-lovers child, too afraid to let it go. She would repress her greater feelings for her best friend because it would cause less trouble. She would make things be the way they were, in time, she had to. But right now, all she could do was cry.

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