Title: Boundless Love
Author: Paradox761
Email: Paradox761@mail.com
Website: members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy, nor do I claim to. Bow to the almighty Joss. No copyright infringement is intended, so please don’t sue. I don’t have any money anyway.
Summary: His entire life, no one ever understood Xander Harris. No one ever cared. But then one day he fell in love, and his life changed forever. When she left, his heart was broken. But now that she’s back, his life will never be the same again. Everyone reaches a point in their life when they ask themselves what they would do for love. What will Xander do?
Author’s note: I switch back and forth a little from first person to third person as Xander tells the story. I know that’s a writing no-no, but I think it produces a nice effect.
(BtVS, Xander/Dru, NC17)

I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. I know how odd that sounds, but it's true. She has a strength about her, but there's a gentleness there too. She had me mesmerized, and I don't mean literally. I wonder sometimes what she must have been like when she was alive, when she had a soul. She must have been very different. I don't think I would have fallen for her then. Maybe that's what scares me, that I've fallen in love with a soulless vampire. But she's different. She has such a capacity for love, both giving and receiving it.

She showed up at my window one night, shortly after her and Spike arrived in Sunnydale. At first I was afraid, but when I realized that she couldn't come in unless she was invited, I relaxed some. She was like a child, the way she spoke, the way she acted. I was drawn to her innocence. I wanted to reach out to her, to hold her. We talked for hours that first night, her sitting on my roof, leaning against the invisible barrier of my open window. She may have been crazy, but she was smarter then either Spike or Angelus gave her credit for. She told me about how she met Angelus, the things he had done to her before he brought her across. She spoke of the atrocities as though she were talking about the weather. She told me about how she met Spike. How he had taken care of her after Angel regained his soul. She talked about how sad it made her, to see her sire in pain. And then, she told me about Prague.

I sat and listened with rapped fascination. I felt the emotion in her voice, the sorrow and the love. I wanted so much to reach out and touch her, to comfort her. But I was afraid. She asked me questions, about Buffy and the others. So I told her. Nothing that could be used against them, I just told her how I felt about them. And she listened, she really listened. She was first person who ever did that.

Over the next year or so, Dru and I spent at least two or three nights a week like that. Me sitting in my room, her sitting on the roof, leaning against the open window. We talked about everything, but we never told each other anything that would be useful to our enemies. Not because we were afraid of each other, it just never came up. We knew how our compatriots would feel, about us consorting with the enemy. But we didn't care. When we sat there together on those nights, we weren't enemies. We were just two kindred spirits. Two lost souls who had each found someone else who understood.

I never told her that I loved her. I had a feeling that maybe she felt the same way, but I was afraid what that meant. There were nights, when all I could think about was inviting her in. And when the invisible barrier fell, and she would fall backwards into my room, I would catch her. I'd hold her in my arms, and tell her how much I loved her. I'd kiss her, and one thing would lead to another and...well, I'm not an idiot. I know what would happen. The funny part is, I wasn't afraid of being a vampire. As long as it meant being with her, I would have done it in a second. But I couldn't do that to my friends. I know what it's like to see a friend become something evil, and I know what it's like to be forced to kill him. I couldn't do that to them. And so I never told her. Who knew it would turn out to be the biggest regret of my life.

I don't know how much Dru knew about Angelus' plan with Acathla. Not that it really mattered, I wouldn't have expected her to tell me anyway. I know she didn't know about Buffy and Spike's temporary alliance. As odd as it may seem, I was relieved when I heard about that. Because I knew that at least Dru would be safe. Kendra was dead by Dru's hand, and when I rescued Giles from the mansion, I knew that she had had a part in his torment. But I didn't care. I knew what she was, I couldn't blame her for that. She couldn't break the sire/childe connection she had with Angelus, even if she wanted to. That's why I didn't tell Buffy that Willow was doing the restoration spell. Yes, I wanted him dead. But not just because of the pain he had caused Buffy, but because of the pain he had caused Drusilla too.

So life went on without her. I'm not sure how exactly, but it did. I depended on her so much. She was the only one who ever really knew me. The only one who ever cared enough to get to know me. She used to say that I was special, too special to be treated the way Buffy and the others treated me. No one had ever told me that before, not even my parents. But she believed it, and she made me believe it too. Of course I never told the others about what Dru and I had, I knew they'd never understand. I thought for sure though that they would suspect that something was wrong with me, as depressed as I was when she was gone. But I guess I overestimated their concern. They never even noticed.

So, that brings me to when this story takes place. About a year and a half after the whole thing went down. A year and a half since I last saw my Dru. Buffy and Willow are in college, both with new honeys, Riley and Tara respectively. Giles is still doing the watcher thing, Angel and Cordy are in LA, Oz is off god-knows-where exploring his inner-werewolf, and I'm living in my parent's basement wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Spike's back. Ain't that a kick in the butt. Dru finally dumped his ass. And where does he decide to go, with the whole world at his fingertips? Sunnydale. Okay, true, he was looking for the Gem of Amara, but come on. He had to know that coming back here was a colossal mistake. Well, he learned the hard way. Thanks to some local soldier boys, the Big Bad is now about as big and bad as a kitten in a tree. Actually, he's surprisingly helpful seeing as how the only way he get his aggression out is to beat the crap out of other demons. Not to mention that I'm actually starting to like the guy. I know, weird doesn't begin to cover it, but I think I see what Dru saw. He might be evil, but he's also pragmatic. He knows when he's beaten, and he's not the kind of guy to fight a hopeless battle. His dedication to himself was always greater then his dedication to evil. Plus, he's honest. He says what he thinks, when he thinks it, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks about it. That can be awfully refreshing when you're surrounded by people who regularly hide things from you to 'protect' you. The weirdest thing is, I think he actually likes me too. He's always saying that I'm the least objectionable of 'this bunch of pathetic do-gooders'. Which for Spike is down right nice. If he only knew how much we really have in common.

*

Giles was nowhere in sight when Xander walked into his apartment. Spike was sitting on the couch watching TV and sipping from a mug. “Hey, Deadboy the Sequel,” Xander called out, using his new nickname for the blonde vampire. “What's up?"

"No idea," Spike answered, reaching up to tap fists with Xander as he walked by. "Rupert got a call from Brood-boy, and he's been edgy ever since. He got off long enough to call you losers and then called him back. He's still on the phone with him now."

"Must be big," Xander said sitting down on the chair.

The door opened and Buffy and Riley entered. "Hey," Buffy said. "What's going on?"

"We don't know yet," Xander said. "Giles is still on the phone."

"With who?" Riley asked.

"The guy you replaced," Spike said.

"Huh?" Riley asked.

"Brood-boy," Xander supplied.

"Dear old dad," Spike added. Riley still looked clueless, Buffy just looked annoyed. "An-gel," Spike over enunciated, as though he were speaking to a child or someone who didn't speak English. "Man, don't they require an intelligence test for the military any more?"

"Shut-up Spike," Buffy said. Xander just laughed. "Xander!"

"What? That was funny," Xander defended. Buffy shot him a dirty look, Xander just waved it off as he rose from his chair and headed over to the kitchen. "I need a Twinkie."

"Hey, grab me another bag of blood," Spike asked.

"Sure thing," Xander answered. He returned a few seconds later, Twinkie in hand. "Think fast," he said tossing the bag of blood to Spike. They both pretended they didn't see the dirty looks Buffy was shooting them. Spike knew how much his being chummy with Xander pissed the slayer off, it was one of the reasons he did it. And truth be told, it was one of the reasons Xander did it too.

"Why is he talking to Angel?" Buffy asked.

"Don't know, Luv," Spike said. "Maybe you should ask him."

The door opened again and Willow and Tara stepped in. "Hey guys, what's up?" Willow asked.

Just then Giles came down the stairs, cordless phone in hand and a worried expression on his face. "I think we're about to find out," Xander said.

"Hello everyone," Giles greeted. "Thank you for coming on such short notice. We have a situation."

"What's the matter Rupert, Angel all out of hair gel?" Spike asked. Xander laughed again. Buffy just rolled her eyes.

Giles cut the levity in the room with two words. "Drusilla's back."

*

Xander felt like somebody had punched him in the chest. He couldn't seem to breathe, and it felt like time was frozen. "Oh my god," he mumbled.

"What?" he heard someone say.

"Drusilla?"

"Ducks!"

"Who's Drusilla?"

"Spike's psycho ex-girlfriend."

"Oh my god," Xander mumbled again.

"Xander, relax," Buffy said. "You'll be safe, she's not going to hurt anyone. She's not going to get a chance," she said with anger in her voice.

Xander just shot her a look that would make a grown man wet himself. Buffy didn't even notice.

"Giles, what happened?" Willow asked.

"She showed up in LA a few days ago, on Angel's doorstep. Apparently she was...lonely. When Angel rejected her, she became enraged. She attacked Wesley."

"Is he all right?" Willow asked.

"Yes, he's fine. Angel tracked her through the city for a couple days before he lost her. He believes that she's headed here."

"Good," Buffy said. "Let her come." Her voice was flat and cold, and it made a chill run down Xander's spine. "I'm going to patrol," she said, heading for the door.

"We're going to patrol," Riley corrected, following her.

"Wait a second," Xander called out. "What are you going to do if you find her?"

Buffy pulled a stake from her belt. "What do you think?"

"Now wait just a bloody minute there," Spike said, on his feet and in front of the slayer in half a second. "I won't let you hurt her."

"Yeah, well you don't get a say in the matter chip-boy," Buffy said.

Spike growled and his game face came on. He made a step toward Buffy, but stopped, grabbing his head and crying out in pain. "Bloody hell," he cursed as he slumped against the wall.

"My point exactly," Buffy said, moving for the door again.

"Wait a second," Xander called out again. "Shouldn't we talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about?" Buffy said. "She killed Kendra. She tortured Giles, remember? She dies."

"I remember that Angel was the one torturing Giles," Xander said. "What, did he have a get out of slaying free card?"

Buffy just shot him a look. "She dies," she repeated.

"Not if I find her first," Spike said before turning and taking off out the door and disappearing into the night.

"Damn it!" Buffy swore. "Come on Riley," she said before heading out the door, Riley close behind.

"Damn it, Buffy," Xander muttered, rising from his seat and heading for the door.

"Xander, hold on," Giles called out. "Buffy can take care of herself, she doesn't need your help."

"I'm not going after Buffy," Xander said. "I'm going after Spike." Then he too disappeared out the door.

*

'Slick Harris, real slick,' Xander chided himself. 'Storming out into the deep dark Sunnydale night with no cross, no stake, no holy water. Why don't you just wear a big neon sign that says 'Eat Me'. He sighed to himself. She was coming here, back to Sunnydale. The woman he loved. The woman he thought he'd never see again. The woman Buffy was very gung-ho about killing. 'Damn her,' he thought. 'What the hell gives her the right to be so damn indignant? What, she's the only one who gets to decide which vampires live and which ones die.'

"Well, lookey what we have here." The voice came from behind him.

"Oh, shit," Xander muttered without even turning around. "Just what I need. Listen bloodsucker, why don't you go pick on somebody else."

"Nah, you look pretty tasty. I think I'll take you." Xander turned around swinging. His fist connected with the vampire's jaw, taking him by surprise. He managed a few kicks to the vampire's stomach, causing him to double over. Had he had a stake, he might have actually managed to kill the demon. But instead, Xander ran. Looking for a tree branch, anything. The vampire tackled him from behind, sending them both toppling to the ground. The demon flipped Xander over, pinning his arms down. "You're going to pay for that," he said, leaning down to bite Xander.

Xander closed his eyes and waited for it to come, but it never did. The weight was suddenly lifted off his body, and when he opened his eyes, he saw the vampire flying backwards through the air. Xander got to his feet as fast as he could and watched as a familiar figure with blonde hair wearing a black duster proceeded to beat the crap of the vampire that had been attacking him. Xander calmly walked to a nearby tree and broke off a piece of branch. Examining the broken edge, he decided that it was sharp enough, and he leaned against the tree and waited. When the other vampire's face had been reduced to hamburger and Spike seemed satisfied, he looked up to Xander. "You done?" Xander asked. Spike's only answer was to lift the vampire to his feet and shove him towards Xander's direction. Xander just held up the stick and let the vampire fall onto it, turning to dust as it pierced his heart. "Thanks for the save."

"I didn't do it for you, mate," Spike growled, his game face still on.

"I take it you haven't found her yet," Xander asked.

"What do you care?" Spike hissed. "Chip or no chip, I'm going to let anyone hurt her. And if the slayer thinks she can talk me down by sending you..."

"Whoa, back up," Xander said. "Buffy didn't send me, and I'm not trying to talk you out of anything. The fact is, I'm the only ally you've got right now."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't want Drusilla dead either. As hard as it may be to believe, I'm not a big fan of Buffy's every-vampire-who's-not-named-Angel-has-to-die policy."

"Why do you care?" Spike asked, his features returning to normal.

"Because I love her!" Xander snapped, a little louder than he had intended. Xander sighed as he looked at the shocked expression on Spike's face. "You might want to sit down, this is going to take a while."

*

"So let me get this straight," Spike said after Xander had explained everything as best he could. The two of them sat on the ground across from each other, leaning on gravestones. "You and Dru used to...talk. Just talk."

Xander sighed. "I didn't think you'd understand," Xander said.

"No," Spike said. "I think I understand. She's always had that effect on people. I just never thought any of you goody-goodies would be able to see it."

"How special she is?" Xander said. "I saw it the moment I laid eyes on her. Spike, can I ask you something? What happened between you two?"

Spike looked at the ground, and for a second, Xander thought he wasn't going to tell him. "We were fine, as long as she needed me to protect her. The more self-sufficient she became...I don't know, I guess she just didn't need me anymore."

"Spike, she loved you," Xander said. "That much I know. And she was always more self-sufficient then either you or Angelus knew. She loved you both. You were her family, that's why she stayed. Not because she needed to be protected."

"You think she's coming back for me?" Spike asked. "Or you?" he added.

"I don't think so," Xander said. "I think she's coming to kill Buffy."

"Why do you say that? Well, besides the obvious."

"Think about it. Angel said she was lonely. She's been on her own a while now, and while she can hunt and survive by herself, she still misses her family. So, she went to Angel, her sire, expecting a little sympathy. Maybe even a little love."

"But Angel's got his soul back, Dru knows that."

"She's still his childe. I think she expected more from him then she got. Frankly so did I. If Deadboy had one brain cell left in that Cro-Magnon head of his, he would have taken her in. She would have done whatever he said, including behaving herself. But no, he had to go and set her off. If she really is as angry as he said, and she's on her way here, then she's going to be after Buffy."

"The person who took Angel from her," Spike said, nodding with understanding. "Good. She'll kill the slayer, and then I'll have my Dru back. All is well with the world."

Xander just glared at him. "I'm not going to let Dru hurt Buffy," he said. "I might be mad at her right now, but I'm not going to let her get killed. Besides, if Buffy and Dru square off, there's no guarantee who'll come out on top. You can't afford that."

Spike just nodded reluctantly. "I take it you have a plan then."

Xander nodded. "But you're not going to like it."

"I had a feeling you were going to say that."

*

When Xander walked into Giles' later that night, he was met with five pairs of eyes all staring at him. "What?" he asked angrily.

"Did you find him?" Buffy asked.

"Who?"

"You know damn well who," Buffy snapped.

"Deadboy, Part Deux? No, I didn't see him," Xander lied.

"You know, that was pretty stupid Xander," Buffy said. "He might have that chip in his head but he's still dangerous. Despite what you may think, he's not your friend."

Xander's fists clenched until his fingernails dug into his palms. He decided to ignore Buffy's self-righteous tirade though and change the subject. "Did you find Drusilla?" he asked.

"No," Buffy answered. "But according to Willy the snitch, she's definitely in town."

"I assume you checked the usual places. The mansion, the factory?" Xander asked.

"Of course we did," Buffy snapped.

"The mansion looked broken into," Willow said. "But there was no trace of Drusilla."

"Hmm," Xander said, scratching his chin. "Oh well, tomorrow's another night. I'm going to split. Giles, you mind if I use your bathroom first?"

"Ah, no Xander, go right ahead," Giles answered.

"Thanks G-man," Xander replied, ascending the stairs and pretending not to notice the puzzled glances the rest of the group were sharing. He headed down the hallway, but instead of turning into the bathroom, he checked behind him quickly and ducked into Giles' bedroom. There was a steamer trunk at the foot of his bed, and Xander knew that what he wanted was located inside. He walked over to the dresser and picked up the key where it sat on the jewelry valet and walked back to the trunk, unlocking it. He picked through it, carefully and quietly for several moments before coming across the object of his desire. A small crystal globe. An Orb of Thelusa. He closed the trunk quickly and locked it. Replacing the key on the dresser where he found it, he stashed the orb in his shirt and headed for the stairs.

"I'm telling you, he's acting weird."

Xander stopped at the landing as he heard Buffy's voice in the living room.

"How do you mean?" Tara asked.

"His reaction to hearing about Drusilla, his chasing after Spike," Buffy said. "Something's going on."

"What are you saying Buffy?" Willow asked.

"I don't know. I just think we should keep an eye on him," Buffy said. Xander frowned. "Or maybe just keep him out of the loop all together on this one." Xander smiled.

'Whoever thought their low opinion of me would ever come in handy,' he thought to himself as he descended the stairs.

"I think Buffy's right," Riley said.

"Right about what?" Xander asked.

"Uh, um...uh," Riley stumbled. Xander had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing out loud at the flustered commando.

"About patrolling more of Spike and Dru's old haunts tomorrow night," Buffy supplied.

"Oh," Xander said. "Well, count me out. I'm going to be busy tomorrow night."

"Oh?" Buffy asked, brightening up. "I mean, oh, that's too bad," she said, trying to sound disappointed.

'God, if this wasn't so depressing it might actually be funny,' Xander thought to himself. "Yeah, well, I'll see you guys later."

"Bye," Buffy said.

"Bye Xander," Willow said too.

Xander gave them a little wave, using the hand attached to the arm that wasn't holding the orb against his side, and made his way home. He smiled once he was sure he was out of view, lifting his arm and letting the orb drop into his hand. He lifted the orb to the moonlight and looked at it. "Too easy," he said to himself. "I'm sorry Dru. I wish there were another way."

*

"Have I mentioned how much I hate this plan?" Spike asked the next night as he and Xander stood in the mausoleum that had become his temporary home.

"Several times," Xander said, looking over the ingredients for the spell, making sure he had everything.

"She wouldn't want this," Spike said.

"It's the only way to save her life," Xander defended.

"She won't be the woman you fell in love with," Spike said.

Xander's face fell. He knew he was right, but there was nothing else he could do. "What would you suggest we do?" he asked.

"We get Dru and we get the hell out of Dodge," Spike said.

"That won't work. Buffy will track her down, believe me. She's like a bloodhound. Once she gets the scent, she won't give up until either her or Dru is dead. This is the only way to save her life."

Spike threw his arms up in exasperation. "She'll hate us for it."

"Maybe," Xander said. "But that's a chance we'll have to take."

Spike squatted down to meet Xander at eye level where he was sitting on the ground, looking over the ingredients for the spell. Xander met his gaze, and an unspoken understanding passed between them. Neither of them liked this, but they both knew that Xander was right. It was the only way. "Do you know what you're doing with all of this?" Spike asked. "As I recall, it isn't an easy spell. Red had trouble with it, how the hell are we going to pull it off?"

"You leave that to me," Xander said. "You just worry about finding Dru before Buffy does. Willow said that the mansion had been broken into, but that Dru was nowhere in sight. Is there someplace she could have hidden, a secret passage or something?"

"Yeah," Spike said. "There's a secret room behind the fireplace. But why would she hide from the slayer when she's trying to kill her?"

"Because she's not ready to make her move yet," Xander said. "If there's one thing she learned from Deadboy, it's how to torment her enemies."

Spike smiled. "Is it any wonder I love her."

"Well, she's dedicated, I'll give her that. But she's still loony as a tune. I think I fell in love with her for a different reason then her maniacal torture technique."

"You'll miss it you know," Spike said. "What do you think is going to happen to that strength of hers that you admire so much when you clip her wings and anchor her down with a soul?"

Xander didn't answer, he just looked down at the ground. "I need another day to prepare," he finally said after a moment. "There are a few more ingredients I need for the spell. I need you to stay away from the mansion, I don't want you leading Buffy or the others there."

"Don't worry about me mate," Spike said casually.

"I mean it! One screw-up and Dru is dust, Buffy is not fucking around here!"

"I got it," Spike said, slightly more forceful.

"Good," Xander said, gathering the items before him and putting them into his backpack. He stood and walked to the door of the mausoleum. "I'll contact you when I'm ready."

"Hey Xander," Spike called out.

"Yeah," Xander asked as he turned.

"It's going to work."

Xander just nodded. "I know," he said. “It has to.” Then he turned and left, leaving Spike sitting on the ground leaning against the crypt in the middle of the room.

He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and put it in his mouth. He lit it, and took a drag. Exhaling, he looked at the door where Xander had departed, and he shook his head. "I've already lost her."




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