Title: Boundless Love
Author: Paradox761
Email: Paradox761@mail.com
Website: members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy, nor do I claim to. Bow to the almighty Joss. No copyright infringement is intended, so please don’t sue. I don’t have any money anyway.
Summary: His entire life, no one ever understood Xander Harris. No one ever cared. But then one day he fell in love, and his life changed forever. When she left, his heart was broken. But now that she’s back, his life will never be the same again. Everyone reaches a point in their life when they ask themselves what they would do for love. What will Xander do?
Author’s note: I switch back and forth a little from first person to third person as Xander tells the story. I know that’s a writing no-no, but I think it produces a nice effect.
(BtVS, Xander/Dru, NC17)

I knew Spike was right, even if I wasn't willing to admit it, not even to myself. I kept telling myself that I couldn't be in love with a demon, that it was the girl underneath I loved. That I was doing the right thing by allowing her to be her again, freeing her from the demon and protecting her from Buffy at the same time. But the truth is, I knew what I was doing. There's a reason they call it a curse. But I just couldn't let her die, and I couldn't help her escape. Buffy and the others would never understand, and I would have lost everything all at once, Dru and my friends. I could have gone with them. I could have had Dru make me. But I was scared. I didn't want to be a vampire, all I wanted was my Dru. But it seemed that no matter what I did, I wasn't going to get that. I was afraid. More afraid than I had ever been in my entire life. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. But it was my only choice.

*

Xander spent most of the next day studying the spell. Every motion, every nuance, every pronunciation, until he was sure he had it down. Another quick trip to the magic shop and he had everything he needed. He let out a sigh as he looked down at all of the items for the curse, stuffed into his backpack. He took a deep breath and let it out. “Now or never, Harris,” he said to himself. He picked up the pack and headed out the door.

A quick stop at the cemetery to pick up Spike, and soon they were both on their way to the mansion. Xander drove in silence most of the way. Spike didn’t talk either, he just smoked. Until finally he broke the silence. “It won’t take them long to figure out Dru’s at the mansion,” Spike said.

“I know,” Xander said calmly.

“They might even be right behind us. You said they were getting suspicious, maybe they’re following you.”

“Trust me,” Xander said. “They forgot all about me when I left Giles’ the night before last. I doubt any of them has given me a second thought since.”

“What are you going to do? I mean, how are you going to explain all of this to them?”

“I’m going to tell them the truth,” Xander answered. “I know, it’s a pretty radical concept when it comes to our little group, but frankly I don’t have the energy right now to think up a clever cover story. Besides, what would I say? Oops, sorry guys. I was just waxing the orb when it suddenly went off.”

Spike smiled at the joke. “We could tell them it was just me. Just keep out of sight for a while, they don’t have to know you had anything to do with it.”

Xander took his eyes off the road for the first time in the whole conversation to turn to Spike. “You’d do that?” he asked, surprised.

“Sure,” Spike said, trying to make it sound casual.

“Why?”

Spike sighed. “Look kid, all I’m saying is that there’s no reason for us both to go down for this. The slayer already thinks I’m scum on toast. We might as well make her think this was my plan.”

Xander smiled a little bit. “Is this Spike? William the Bloody, The Big Bad? Showing concern for somebody else, a human no less? Did hell freeze over? No, really, I’m asking, ‘cause you’d know if it did, right?”

Spike just grumbled. “Fine, forget I said anything. What the hell do I care,” he said, turning to face his window.

“I appreciate the offer Spike,” Xander said. “But one, Buffy and the others would never believe that restoring Dru’s soul was your idea, and two…” he drifted off for a second.

“Two?” Spike prompted.

Xander sighed. “Two, I’m tired of lying.” He paused. “My whole life has been a lie. I used to lie to my parents, make them think I had more friends than I did, back when they cared. I lie to my friends, about my parents. About them being drunks who don’t even remember they have a son until they come downstairs to do laundry. Every joke, every wisecrack, they’re all just lies. Covering up what I’m really feeling. Hell, I even lie to myself. Try to pretend that I’m happy, and that it doesn’t bother me that my best friends in the world don’t give two shits about me. I’m tired of it. I can’t do it anymore. They're just going to have to deal with it. And if they can't, well, that's their problem.”

“Damn kid, when did you grow a pair?” Spike asked.

Xander just smiled. “Probably around the same time you started showing concern for my well being,” he returned.

Spike smiled too. “Touché.”

*

“I just don’t get it!” Buffy cried out in frustration. “Three days and she hasn’t shown herself once! What the hell is she up to.”

“I don’t know Buffy,” Giles said. Just then, the phone rang. Giles picked it up. “Hello? Oh, hello Angel. No, no sign of her yet.”

“I mean, where could she be? We’ve looked everywhere?” Buffy continued, even though Giles wasn’t listening.

“No, we checked the mansion,” Giles said into the phone. “It looked like someone broke in so we thought she might be there, but there was no sign of her. Probably just vandals or…what? Behind the fireplace? Why didn’t you tell us that before?” Giles rolled his eyes. “Never came up, right. Well, thank you.” He hung up the phone and turned his attention back to Buffy and the others. “Let’s go,” he said.

“Where?” Buffy asked.

“The mansion,” Giles answered. “It seems there’s a secret room behind the fireplace, Angel thinks Drusilla might be hiding in there.”

Buffy gathered her things. “That sneaky little bitch,” she muttered to herself as she followed Giles outside, Riley, Willow and Tara close behind.

*

The door creaked open, echoing throughout the entire house. “Dru!” Spike called out. “Dru, honey, come out. It’s Spike!”

Xander walked into the musty old house and looked around. It looked abandoned. The windows were boarded up, with the exception of a few broken boards next to the front door, letting a very thin shaft of moonlight pour into the room. Xander took the Coleman lantern from his bag and turned it on. Walking to the center of the room, he set it down.

“Dru!” Spike called out again. He looked over to Xander.

“Maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to you,” Xander said. “Dru! Dru, baby, it’s me, Xander!” Xander called out.

Almost immediately, there was a noise coming from behind the wall. Xander turned a looked toward the fireplace, where the noise was coming from, and he saw a figure in the shadows. She emerged, and stepped into the light. It was Drusilla, wearing a simple white dress and clutching her beloved Miss Edith in her hands.

Her face lit up in a smile when she saw Xander. “Kitten!” she called out, rushing to him and pulling him into a hug. Xander immediately wrapped his arms around her. He smiled as tears began to streak down his face. He finally got to hold her. He cried tears of joy, from being in the arms of the woman he loved. But he also cried tears of sorrow, because he knew what he was about to do to her. And he knew that very shortly, she wouldn’t be that woman anymore. Xander pulled back a little from the hug. He reached up and touched her face. “Still as beautiful as ever Dru,” he said with a smile, even though his voice was choked with tears.

“Why are you crying Kitten?” Dru asked.

“Because I’m so happy to see you,” Xander half-lied.

“The mean old slayer took my Angel from me,” Dru said with a pout. “I know she’s your friend Kitten, but I want to make her pay. I want to make her hurt the way I hurt.”

Xander pulled her into another hug. “I know baby, I know,” he said soothingly. “I know it hurts.”

“I miss my Angel. I miss the way things used to be,” she said. “Miss Edith says that you’re here to help me.” She paused. “Miss Edith says that you love me.”

Xander moved his head so that his forehead was against hers, their eyes looking into one another’s. “I do Dru. I love you very much.” She smiled, and it was the most beautiful thing Xander had ever seen. He felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest. Seeing her, holding her made him so happy. But he knew the pain and anguish he was about to cause her, and it made him weep. He pulled away from her again and tried to steady himself. He knew that if he waited much longer he would lose his conviction. “Dru, I need you to do what Spike and I ask you to, okay?”

Dru turned and noticed Spike for the first time. He had been standing there, watching the entire exchange with a depressed look on his face. “Hello Ducks,” he said softly.

“Hello Spike,” she said. “I’m sorry I left you, but Miss Edith said that you weren’t being very nice.”

“I know Dru,” Spike said. “I’m sorry.” He closed the distance between them and took her hand in his. “I know that I was overprotective, and overbearing, and stubborn. But it was all because I love you.”

Dru just nodded. “I know Spike, I know,” she said sweetly.

Xander wiped the tears from his face and cleared his throat. “We’d better get started,” he said.

Spike just nodded, not taking his eyes off of Drusilla. “Right,” he said in barely a whisper.

*

When Buffy and the others arrived at the mansion, they saw a light coming from inside. Buffy silently motioned for Giles and Riley to go around on opposite sides of the building, to make sure they weren't walking into a sneak attack. Willow and Tara stayed close to Buffy as she hefted her crossbow up and approached the front door. She listened closely, hearing the sound of a single voice, chanting. She needed to find a way to sneak inside. From the sound of the voice, whoever it was, was in the front room, so going through the front door was out. She was about to step away and go around the side to look for a way in when she heard a woman scream. Followed by a familiar voice with a British accent crying out "Bloody hell!" Buffy lifted the crossbow back up into a battle stance and kicked in the door. She charged in with her crossbow at the ready, prepared for anything. Anything but what she saw.

"What the hell?"

*

Xander sat kneeled on the floor, burning candles surrounding him. Drusilla was kneeled in front of him. Spike stood off to the side, a tense look on his face. Xander recited the incantation with a practiced ease, trying to concentrate on keeping his voice steady.

Drusilla for her part was mostly calm. She knew that her kitten would never hurt her, and that whatever he was doing would protect her from the slayer, just like he said it would. After a few moments she began to feel something. There was a tightness in her chest, and an unfamiliar feeling of pain. She tried to ignore it at first, shutting her eyes tightly, but it grew and grew until it became unbearable. Her hands clutched the sides of her head as she screamed. Her eyes shot open, glowing with a golden light for a moment before fading away. She thrashed out, kicking over the candles.

"Bloody hell!" Spike said as he tried to restrain her.

"Dru, Dru it's okay," Xander said, trying to sooth her as he went to her side. "Dru, it's me, it's Xander. Try to calm down." His voice seemed to calm her down a little, but she was still upset. Xander pulled her into a hug.

None of them even noticed at first when the door flew open and Buffy stepped in with her crossbow up. Her mouth fell open at the scene before her. Drusilla was the one who had screamed, and now she was crying. And Xander was holding her, trying to calm her down while Spike looked on. "What the hell?"

Xander and Spike looked up. "Buffy," Xander said in surprise. By this point, Giles and Riley had arrived too, leaving the whole gang standing just inside the door, looking at Xander expectantly.

Dru looked up when Xander said Buffy's name and noticed her standing there, still holding the crossbow. "No! Oh god, no, please!" She began to panic, pulling away from Xander.

Xander didn't let go. "Shhh, Dru, it's okay. Nobody's going to hurt you."

"Xander, what the hell is going on here!" Buffy demanded.

Dru flinched at the sound of her voice, but she just clung tighter to Xander. Giles stepped further into the room, spotting the orb and the candles on the floor he realized what had just taken place. He looked to Xander and saw a look of determination on his face as he held Dru protectively. "Xander, what have you done?" he asked.

"I saved her life," he answered.

*

Xander managed to get Dru upstairs before Buffy's presence caused another panic attack. He found her bedroom and laid her down on the bed, lighting a few candles for light. She curled into the fetal position on the bed, sobbing softly. Xander sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her face softly, trying to sooth her.

"What happened to me Kitten?" she asked, her voice choked with tears. "Why do I feel like this?"

"You have your soul back Dru," Xander answered, trying to hold back tears of his own. "It was the only way to save you from the slayer." Dru looked up at him, her eyes filled with pain. "I'm sorry," Xander, a tear creeping into his voice.

"I can't hear Miss Edith anymore," Dru said. "She's gone."

"I know baby," Xander said. "But I'm here." He'd always suspected that Miss Edith was Dru's inner manifestation of her demon, now he was sure. She protected Dru from her own conscience and guilt, and she gave Dru the strength to survive as a vampire despite her true gentle nature. She was Dru's protector, but she was gone, and that role fell to Xander now. It was a job he would take without hesitation or reservation until the end of his days, even though for Dru's sake, it was one he wished he didn't have to. "Try and rest Dru."

"Will you stay with me?"

"Of course," Xander answered. "Forever," he whispered.

*

When Xander descended the stairs twenty minutes later, he had a tired expression on his face. Everyone was still gathered in the front room, and they looked up expectantly when he arrived, especially Spike. "She's asleep," Xander said, sitting down on the couch that sat by the fireplace. "I think most of what we saw was the initial shock. I don't think we should leave her alone though, she might do something rash." He let out a long sigh as he wiped his hands across his face.

"You knew this wasn't going to be easy, mate," Spike said.

"I know," Xander said softly.

The others had watched in silence up until this point. Buffy broke the silence, as well as the solemn mood. "Okay, explanation time," she said in an accusing voice. "What did you do, Xander?"

Xander looked to Buffy, his eyes cold. He had been so worried about dealing with this moment, but now that it had arrived, he just didn't have the energy to care. "I think you already know the answer to that, Buffy," Xander answered.

"You restored her soul," Willow stated. There was no anger in her voice as there was in Buffy's, just surprise and curiosity.

"I did," Xander said.

"Why?" Buffy asked.

"Well, you didn't seem to keen on letting her live," Xander said, a little more angrily than he had intended. "Didn't leave us much choice."

"Damn it, Spike!" Buffy exclaimed turning to the blonde vampire. "I know this is your doing. I don't know what you said to Xander..."

"Hey!" Xander shouted rather loudly. "I don't if you've noticed or not, but I'm my own person! I'm not your shadow, I'm not your comic relief, and I'm not Spike's lackey. I restored Dru's soul to keep you from killing her, because..." Xander paused. "Because I love her."

Several mouths dropped open at that revelation. "Xander, don't take this the wrong way, but have you lost your mind!" Buffy shouted. "She's a monster, she killed Kendra. She nearly killed all of you."

"She couldn't help what she was, what she is," Xander answered. "She couldn't stop being a vampire any more than you could stop being the slayer. And I really don't think you want to start making a list of our enemies from two years ago, because we both know who number one would be."

"That's not fair," Buffy growled.

"Why not? What, you're the only one who's allowed to fall in love with a vampire? We don't get to choose Buffy, none of us do."

"Angel had a soul when I fell in love with him."

"And you think that makes a difference?" Xander returned. "A guilty conscience? The demon is still their Buff, it's just being shouted down." He let out a sigh. "Look, I don't pretend to understand it. But I refuse to believe that Drusilla is evil. Everything she did, she did to survive, or for the people she loved, to serve her sire. I'm not condoning it, but I'm not going to give into blind rage either. Why should Angel be the only one worth our consideration, worth redemption?"

"Angel earned those things, Drusilla hasn't," Buffy answered.

"I thought your job was to fight evil, not to judge people," Xander returned.

"My job is to kill vampires," Buffy spat. "I used to think we were in agreement on that."

"You don't know me Buffy, you never did. You never took the time to care."

"Well, I'm sorry Xander if I was a little too busy saving the world," Buffy said sarcastically.

"You don't get, do you? You think you're the only one that risks their life. The rest of us don't have super powers, remember. But we've fought by your side for four years, and you treat us like a nuisance." Xander paused. "For a long time I thought that's exactly what I was. My parents never hid their distaste for me, and my so-called best friends barely acknowledge my existence anymore. Dru was the one who showed me otherwise. She was the one who made me believe that maybe I was worth something. And I love her for that."

"And you think she loves you?" Buffy asked.

"I know she does," Xander answered.

There was a long moment of silence. "Then you're even stupider then I thought," Buffy finally said. She turned on her heel, and stormed out. Riley followed.

Xander sat back down on the couch and let his head fall into his hands. And he cried.




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