Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.

Never, Ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never, Ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah you got me feeling really bad.

Never, Ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away, to find my own piece of mind

Never Ever had my conscious to fight
The way I'm feeling yeah
It just don't feel right.


Prologue


She sat by herself in the quad. Fingering her folder lazily, she didn't bother to look up or even pretend to care when Harmony and her sheep walked by giggling and pointing. It was almost as if she didn't see them. And she hadn't, not really. Her mind was on Wesley.

Guilt filled her for what she had done. A year ago, she wouldn't have hesitated to use a guy because she needed someone. Back then, she thought she was on top of the world. It was only when she hooked up with a nameless jerk did she realize how empty she had really been.

She cringed, remembering the scene. She knew she could wrap him around her finger with no problem, the guy was practically salivating. And he was cute, and she needed someone, anyone. Desperately. She needed to know she could still have a guy that nut over her. And an older guy was all the better. But she shouldn't have used him. When Giles caught them, he had been livid, furious. She knew Giles had been protective of "his" children, and Cordelia guessed she still sort of fell in that category, cause even though she didn't want anything to do with the Scooby Gang as HE called them, she still liked Giles. She still saw Giles. And she saw the disappointment in his face when he walked in on the scene. The aftermath had been incredible.

And now poor ignorant Wesley had been shipped off to England. She remembered when he left, the way, because she had felt guilty for using him, she had gone to see him off. He had held her closely, kissed her tenderly, telling her that nothing in the world could come between them. His eyes were adoring as he tenderly stroked her face, his smile trembling. He would write her all the time, he promised. He loved her, and so it was worth losing his job, worth being shipped back to England. The dolt. She wasn't worth crap. She grimaced. Her head was swimming when he poured his heart out to her. She knew that a while ago, she wouldn't have care, but her heart froze as she listened, feeling the guilt and sorrow encompass her. Because he really loved her. And Cordelia actually cared because suddenly once, she had grown a conscious. Dammit.

He had actually liked her. For who she was. Wesley was a refreshing change. He told her she was cheeky, whatever that meant (she didn't want to think he could be THAT perverse), he didn't see her as a bitch, and so, she didn't act like one. He cared about her, the adoration in his eyes as he held her close. And all she could do was smile tightly, peck him once, and then crossed her arms as she watch him stumble over the door hatch in an attempt to look behind him to see her one last time. She should have loved him. And she didn't. Dammit. Why? Cause he wasn't HIM.

When he held her all she could think about was HIM. And his kisses were good, but not great, not like-, the nameless jerk. The loser. The Zeppo. She had to keep telling herself that. She was furious at herself for allowing herself to fall for him.

Why had she? Xander Harris? Augh. Her entire world had been thrown upside down by that bastard and yet she still felt weak every time she saw him.

Not that she wasn't doing a hell of a job keeping up pretenses that she hated him. No one argued that. Of course, her anger helped. Sometimes she felt consumed by it. Where the hell did he get off? She'd given up everything that was important to her to hang out with him and his friends. Her friends. They had been her friends. For a time, she felt she had truly belonged with them. She had loved being with the losers. Of course, that was before she got impaled for her trouble. God, what the hell? He was the one that cheated on HER, had broken her heart, and what did he get? An understanding Buffy, a meek whipped Oz who didn't care that his girlfriend had treated him like dirt, and probably would again, an adoring Willow, who all took his side because Cordelia got angry.

She was hurt by that, she knew. Buffy had tried to understand, but Cordelia's bitter barbs had only to take about two weeks to repel her before Buffy had dismissed her as a lost cause. And maybe that's what she was. A lost cause. If they could give up on her so easily, if she could treat Wesley like this, if she could still be so hung up on Xander Harris, then maybe she was a lost cause, like her mother said.

She got up, smoothing down her gray skirt and fixing the top so it draped just right before she cradled her folder against her chest, and walked into the school, tastefully ignoring the leers of the freshman geeks that gaped at her as she walked by them. God, she was going nuts. She had never felt so low. So out of control. And she felt like she would crack under the pressure.




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