Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.

Chapter One


My head's spinning,
boy I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
don't want to communicate
I'll take a shower,
I will scour
I will roam,
to find peace of mind
The happy mind, I once owned.


I bit my lip as I turned the corner, my mind reeling as I fought to control exactly how I felt about this whole Wesley situation. My mind was occupied, and I walked lazily through the corridors, only half aware that I had inadvertently decided NOT to go to class, and because of this, the halls were empty. Well, almost. Turning a corner, I almost shrieked when a blonde whiz flew by and almost knocked me over.

"Oomph. Cordelia! Hi!" Buffy said, fixing a wisp of hair that had fallen out of place. I sighed. Figured. Buffy was becoming a legend for the amount of times she could skip class. Her gaze was friendly, and I guess I didn't really feel in the mood to put anyone down, I was feeling too much like garbage myself, because I only regarded her, and then greeted her calmly.

"Buffy."

She paused, looking at me then, inspecting me with those unnerving blue eyes of those. I tried to look away, straightening up and setting my jaw firmly. I knew that Buffy still considered me a friend. Sort of. She was always civil to me, even when I went out of my way to be mean to her. It was hard to keep up defenses with someone like that.

"You look tired, Cor." She said after a minute, her head cocked as she nodded back.

I shrugged. "Homework, that sort of thing," I lied, shrugging it off. "What's going on?" Despite my better judgement, I couldn't help but be curious. Knowing what I knew about Sunnydale, I had this feeling, this gut feeling that we were on the verge of something big. It scared me. Buffy raised an eyebrow, indicating she was surprised but my question. "I mean, you almost bulldozed me, so I assumed it's something Hellmouthy." I explained.

"Oh, right!" Buffy chirped, tapping her forehead, "Ex-Scooby member, I forget."

I rolled my eyes at the hidden meaning in her words. I didn't need this. She didn't' have to rub things in. Turning, I was about to leave when Buffy caught my arm. Damn, her grip was firm. Did she know how strong she was? I was gonna have a bruise!

"Hey, Cordy. I was just kidding. Really." Her voice was softer, repentant. "How've you been?"

I looked away at the sincerity in her voice. Forcing a smile, I stood straighter. "Better than ever!"

"Well, I mean... with Wesley-"

"I'm fine, trust me. I've been through worse."

"I know." Buffy said softly. Suddenly an image of Xander and Willow came into my mind, the gut wrenching pain in my heart that was soon followed by the literal stab as I lay on my back, in a fog of agony, as Xander's tear filled voice and trembling hands stroked my face, pleading with me to hold on. I felt myself start shaking, feeling the pain in my stomach come alive again, and I shook my head, willing the tears not to come back.

"You know, Buffy." I began coldly. "I appreciate this concern for my well being, really, but you don't have to feel sorry for me. I hate that. It makes me say mean things." I stopped. I had no idea why those particular words just streamed out. I had meant to say something a little more cold, a little more hurtful. What I was telling Miss Sunnydale Freak was actually genuine. And I never did that. But Buffy didn't seem surprised.

"I know." She grinned suddenly. "You don't think I'm on to you, Cordy?" I felt my heart freeze and I listened to her continue, her eyes always gazing at me as if she could see into my soul.. "Act the bitch, say hurtful things, make everyone assume you're back to sophomore year form." Buffy shook her head, leaning in meaningfully. "I don't buy it, Cordy. You forget, you and I are a lot alike. Cept for me being a "freak" as so indelicately like to call me. You can't play that way with me. I don't' buy it."

I felt my jaw almost dropped, and for a moment, I felt real fear, suddenly aware that Buffy saw through me. That like… never happened. No one cared enough.. And god help me, I was gonna cry again. Damn! What was happening to me. I quickly looked down, to avoid letting Buffy see the tears that threatened to flood over.

Buffy was silent, looking carefully down the hallway to make sure no one was looking. "Why don't you let me try to be a friend, huh? I want to Cordy, really. You just wont' let me."

"I'll be fine." The tone was harsh. I felt myself wince. She didn't deserve that. I mean, how many people actually cared enough.... I felt my eyes float upward, and I looked at Buffy, my eyes softening. "Thank you." I finally said, simply and unsteadily. "Besides Wesley and maybe Giles, you were the only one that tried to understand."

Buffy smiled tightly. "You're welcome, Cor." There was silence, and then Buffy cleared her throat. "Listen… you wanna do lunch one day? You know, just you and me? On a day that the world doesn't end , I mean?"

Okay. This was getting weird. Buffy was asking me to do something? With her? Friends like? Alarms began to go off in my head. "Why are you being so nice, all of a sudden, Buff?" I asked suspiciously.

The blonde's eyes grew clouded, and her mouth drew downward. "Not everyone is what they seem, ya know. Sometimes they surprise you. I guess... lately, I've been figuring that out."

"Sure." I said dryly. "Silly me. Like I thought Xander actually cared."

"He did." She said.

"Uh-huh." The retort was dismissive. Biting my lip, I suddenly took a breath. I couldn't be on the outs anymore. I knew that. As much as I tried to pretend I didn't care about Buffy and Giles, and the whole Hellmouth, I knew that I had gone to far to keep myself out. I needed to help. For my own sanity. " Um… sure."

"Sure, what?"

"Sure to the … lunch thing. I'm not saying we'll be the next Romy and Michelle, but… I… I wanna help Buffy."

Buffy cocked her head sideways. "Come again?"

"Yeah. Like I used to, you, I mean, the research thing. I was getting pretty good at it. Just… not with Xander and Willow around. I wanna help Giles… and you."

I could tell I surprised her. She was stock still for a moment, studying my face, and then her face got all goofy. She gave me this huge grin, like one Mom would give me if I brought home some particularly cute and rich guy, and then she scared the daylights out of me when she lunged forward and grabbed my shoulders. I jumped, my face registering my shock.

"Cordelia! Of Course!" Her grin was bordering on Kool-Aid. And I blushed, glad there was no one else in the hall. I felt good too. I was finally doing something. That didn't…. didn't involve me.

"Uh.. Enough with the clinging already. No mush scene necessary." I said hastily. Buffy just grinned.

"No! See you couldn't have offered your services at a better time."

"Oh, God, I don't' have to be bait again, do I?" My stomach plummeted.

"Oh, no, this is purely tedious book work."

"Oh, fun." I answered dryly.

She motioned to me, and we began to walk in the direction of the library, Buffy beginning this huge explanation on the way.

"No see, Giles is back in as a Watcher, but he's still in hot water with the council, and they told him that he had to compile this HUGE database with all the demons and baddies we've encountered, with drawings, and detailed descriptions and stuff. And I remember you were quite the artist."

I suddenly had a mental picture of drawing demons late into the night with Giles insisting they were the wrong shape, that British voice of his going on and on about tact and other things. "God, what did I get myself into."

"Willow and me's would help, but what with the Mayor being this evil ascension guy and Faith turning sides and -"

"Woah, waih, what?!" I stopped Buffy with a hand to her arm. "Faith is bad? Like evil?" I suddenly felt a sunny smile float on my face, which froze when I saw Buffy's expression.

Her face softened, and sad lines formed themselves in her face. "Stuff's happened, Cordy. Lotsa stuff."

"Tell me about it. I thought Willow had turned into a vampire. Did I tell you she almost killed me?" Buffy looked surprised.

"Who saved you?"

"Wesley."

"Oh." Buffy was quiet, and then, "She was a vampire, but it was another Willow."

I frowned, now utterly confused. "Another Willow?" I repeated. Buffy nodded, and was about to go into a whole nother explanation when I waved her to silence. "You know what? I'll figure it out later. Chances are, Giles will let me know."

Buffy nodded, and with a shrug, she opened the door, letting me into the library. I felt my heart hammering as my eyes rested on Giles. His tie was loosened, and his glasses were off, his face a mask of visible frustration. I almost smiled. Nothing was a cuter site than seeing a flustered Giles.

"Hey, Giles, how's it goin'?" Buffy cracked. He looked up sighing.

"Perhaps you can kill me now?" He responded. His eyes rested on me and his expression became unreadable.

"Uh... Cordy's gonna help, Giles!" Buffy chirped, patting me on the shoulder. "With the drawing and stuff." I took a breath, remembering the last time he saw me he had gone red with rage at my compromising situation, and gave him a soft smile.

"S'Okay with you, G-man?" I asked, a little haltingly. He put his hands in his pockets, and then, slowly, he gave me a smile.

"Cordelia, your help is always appreciated." I felt my heart flood with relief, and casting a grin at Buffy, I walked to the old wooden desk, and like I was so used to doing, threw my bags on the table.

"So, the boring book reading, where do I start?" I asked, my voice chirpy.

Giles handed me a particularly thick book. I glanced at it, and grimaced. I knew this book. I hated this book. It wasn't even in English. This was the most loathed book in the library, and yet, I smiled when I took it. Buffy must have noticed my expression, because she gave me an amused smile, and then sat down next to me, pulling out a Latin to English translation text.

Giles was uncommonly quiet, and after a minute, I looked up, seeing his eyes looking at me thoughtfully.

"What?" I asked, aware of his scrutiny. He looked slightly embarrassed, but he began speaking after a minute.

"Cordelia... about Wesley." I felt my heart heave, and I sat up, breathing a little faster.

"Look, Giles... About Wesley." I took a deep breath, "I don't want you to think bad about him. He was a good guy. Even if he was kind of like a dufus."

Giles shook his head. "He should have known better, he-"

Glancing at Buffy, I cut in. "No, Giles. I should have known better. He didn't use me." I looked away, and continued, a little softer. "I used him." Giles looked a little stunned, and he grew quiet. Without another word, I buried my face in my boring non English book, and began my research. After a minute, I felt the pressure of Giles' hand on my shoulder. As I looked up, I saw his face, it was a mixture of pride, sympathy, and love. It was a look he had usually reserved for Willow and Buffy. Never for me. He had never really cared enough. My heart began to beat, and my eyes grew moist, as I smiled weakly at him, and then at Buffy and not trusting myself to speak, went back to work, feeling finally at home.




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