Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.

Chapter Two


This romeo is bleeding, but you can't see his blood
it's nothing but some feelings,
that this old dog kicked up
it's been raining since you left me
now I'm drowning in the flood


"She WHAT?!" It came out a little loud, because the other kids in the cafeteria looked at our table. Getting a little red, I gave them all a little wave, and a grin, before turning back to Buffy.

"Yup." She popped a grape into her mouth before reaching for her bottled water. "All day yesterday."

I couldn't quite comprehend what I was hearing. Cordelia Chase, Miss Snob, the chick who had made it her personal goal and inspiration to humiliate and torture me ever since we had broken up, that Cordelia Chase, had spent all day yesterday helping Giles in what had to be the most boring and tedious job since... well... since... anything? "Please tell me your kidding."

Buffy gave me a look. "I'm not kidding, Xander. She was nice to me, didn't insult me or anything." Willow and Oz gave each other confused looks. I didn't exactly know how to feel about this.

"Any idea what wrought this change?" Oz asked, a hand lazily covering Willow's.

Buffy looked a little strange, her face closed up for a second.

"Well.. yeah.. but ... I don't think it's my place to say, ya know?" Willow looked lost in thought, her red hair falling into her face as she leaned forward.

"You think, maybe, she's over this whole animosity thing she's got going?"

"Well, she's still none too happy about uh... Xand and you... but I don't know, but you know, for a sec it seemed like I was talking with Cordy, not Cordelia Chase. Cordy, ya know, when she was still with Xand-" Buffy trailed off and I felt heads swiveled toward me. I shuffled uncomfortably. When she was still with me. When she was my girl. That seemed like ages ago. But you know, sometimes it seemed like only yesterday I saw those pictures in her locker of me and her at the pier. That was a great day, I remembered. It was one of those few days I could remember when all I thought about was Cordelia. No Buffy, no Willow, just Cordelia. I wondered briefly what she had done with those pictures. "When she was still hangin' with us." she finished.

"So she's mellowed?" Willow cocked an eyebrow. "I wonder what caused the change."

The table got silent, but I knew what they were thinking. Wesley. Jail bait Wesley. It had been a shock to everyone when we heard about them. I didn't even know what to feel when I found out. Faith was still around then, we didn't she had gotten THAT maniacal, and one day, when we were hanging out, she just blurted it out. About how Giles had been furious, how he had reported Wesley to the Watchers, how Wesley had lost his job, refusing to lose Cordelia, because, as he told them over and over again, he loved her.

I felt numb when I heard. No one really seemed to look at me then, I think they all assumed I wouldn't care. I mean, I had lost my virginity to Faith, which was a pretty big rebound step for me, so they thought I had moved on. Hell, even I thought I had moved on. I mean, her pretty much treating me like crap really didn't do much for me as far as caring for her. I guess... cause Faith had jumped me like that... that we had a connection. Turns out we didn't. Turns out Faith used me. And tried to kill me. A connection with someone. I had always thought that maybe... maybe I'd have that with Cordelia. I always thought it would be me and her. But it wasn't. My first time... it was with a homicidal maniac. Somehow I felt... torn up inside when I thought about it. Cause it was good with Faith, but with Cordy, or even Willow... it would have been amazing. But I hadn't thought about that in ages. Cordelia, I mean.

But when I heard... I don't know... I suddenly felt furious. I felt... sick. I think I knew I was jealous. All I could ever think about was his hands on her. I knew what she felt like. I knew how she kissed. And I guess I had gotten used to me being the only one able to do that. I thought I was over her, I really did. But why, Wesley? why?

I mean, sure, he was older, and he was good-looking, I guess... for an older guy. But he was such a wimp! A coward!!

Buffy had looked at me then, she saw the rage in my face, the ... the mixed feelings, because she immediately changed the subject. But it was too late. For the next twenty four hours, the only thing that raced through my mind was Faith repeating over and over and over again how he loved her. It haunted my memories. I would dream about Cordelia, those times when we were alone, and her mask would be completely gone, and she would kiss me, oh so sweetly, her luscious body that I knew every guy in school, with the exception of maybe Oz, wanted, pressed against me, as she murmured these cute little insults that I knew were adorations. And then she's pull away and I'd see Wesley holding her, and she was hanging on to him like she'd hang on to me, and she was telling HIM those things, and he'd be telling her he loved her.

And I got angry. And something else. I don't know what it was , exactly, but it was more of a longing.... cause I knew that the Cordelia that was around now, the mean one, wasn't the real Cordy. I had seen the real Cordy. She had trusted me enough to show herself to me.... until.... that night. I thought that Cordy was gone for good.

Until I had gone to the airport a couple days ago. I was dropping somebody off for my uncle. I've had to do some favors in exchange for the car, and this was one of them. This guy was going to Europe or something, anyway, I was walking through the airport, and then I saw them. Just like in my dreams. Wesley was holding her in his arms, holding her close to him. He kissed softly once on the forehead, said something to her, and I know he was close to crying. And then he reached down and kissed her once on the lips. I felt my throat close up when I saw that. I was absolutely still as I watched her kiss him back softly and then give him a small smile. Her eyes were moist, and on her face, a look of sadness mixed with tenderness. Wesley smiled bravely at her, and then, finally letting her go, picked up his bag and walked backwards, waving at her. And then I heard it. He reached the gate, stumbling because he wasn't watching and he called out, "I love you!"

Everyone in the airport heard it, they all turned,and as I looked around, I saw people smiling at the scene. Everyone was, except Cordy. She had crossed her arms, and she gave him a wave, her smiling disappearing as he exited. I watched her then, my heart full. She was pensive, sad, thoughtful, and then dangerously close to tears, she turned, and walked away.

I realized then that I wasn't as over her as I thought. The look of gentle longing and tenderness that had caressed my features saddened me, made realize just what it was I had lost. Because I realized that Cordy is still in there. And I miss her terribly.

"Xand? Hullo!" I jumped when a hand waved itself in my face, and looking up, I saw Buffy, Willow and Oz all looking at me.

"Huh?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Tonight. Library? I need to figure this ascension thing out, I know it's happening on graduation, but that's all I know."

"Sure." She nodded, and the trio kept talking about the Mayor, and the ascension, and stuff like that. I only half heard. My mind was on Cordelia. Wondering when, if I would ever see the real her again.




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