Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.
Chapter Three
Flexing vocabulary runs right through my head
the alphabet runs right from a to zed
conversations, hesitations in my mind
you got my conscious asking questions
that I can't find
I'm not crazy, I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong
Now I'm just waiting, cause I'm sure that this
feeling won't last that long
Buffy had been right about one thing. This cataloguing was boring, and tedious. I got cranky, but one look from Giles, who was the KING of cranky, and I would shut up, and just keep drawing. It felt good to be doing this again. It felt a little weird, doing this alone. Buffy dropped in once in a while, to fill Giles in the latest goings on with Faith. She kept her word. No one came in the library when I was in there. I found myself looking for them sometimes. But then I came to my senses, realizing I was mad at them, and turned back to my work.
Faith was evil. That was so...weird. I mean, I never really liked her, but to know she was downright evil, a chick who I thought was our friend, it was weird. And I knew it hurt Buffy. Her and Faith had had some connection. They understood each other. I think that was why she came to me, she was so eager to be all chummy with me. I think she feels like she's got something like that with me. And I'm not evil. Not like Faith. Willow and Amy have this whole "we're witches" connection going on with each other, now that Amy's not a rat anymore. And Buffy feels a little out in the cold. And I guess cause of the whole Homecoming incident, I guess me and her have a bond. Not that I feel comfortable having a bond with Buffy, I mean, she is a Slayer, which is extremely freaky, but I kind of know how she feels.
"How's it coming along?" I looked to see Giles peering at me. I shrugged. "Good, I guess. Did I get him right?" Giles pursed his lips at my picture of the bugman. I looked at him too, remembering that it was actually this bugman that made me kiss Xander. God I hate this bugman. Feeling my cheeks flush as I thought of that first amazing kiss, I waited for Giles' approval.
"Very good, Cordelia." he said, patting my shoulder. "Perhaps you could start on a sketch of Drusilla?"
I nodded, concentrating for a minute on that crazy vamp's features before getting started. Giles looked haggard, and I didn't blame him. He was overloaded, what with the Mayor AND the cataloguing. Sometimes I think the Council are the stupidest people on earth. Why Cataloging NOW? And why did they fire Wes when he could have helped, at least he could have done this cataloguing, leaving Giles to deal with Faith fulltime. Wesley could have been a useful guy. I winced again, guilt again in my heart. If I hadn't pursued him like I did, he'd still be around.
The door opened, and Oz and Buffy walked in. I sat up, feeling suddenly self conscious, but Buffy only smiled at me, and Oz gave me a little wave, as if I hadn't completely ignored him for the past two months.
"Hey, Cor." He said casually, digging his hands in his pockets as he walked over to me.
"Hey, Oz." I said, almost guardedly. He walked over to me, looking over my shoulder at my picture of Dru.
"Nice," he commented, looking at me. "I never knew you were the artist."
"It's a talent she keeps pretty well hidden," Buffy kidded, wiping a tired hand over her eyes as she sat down next to Giles.
"I only draw once in a while." I corrected. "Cause Giles needs it." Oz nodded, and then grinned.
"You just never told me you drew."
"I thought you knew." I defended myself. His grin grew wider. I squinted my eyes at him. He was gazing at me weird, giving me this smirk like he knew something I didn't.
"What?" I finally asked. "why are you looking at me like you've got something up your sleeve."
He just shrugged. "You draw. That's art. I play music. That's art. We do art. We have something in common. And Hell hasn't frozen over."
Getting the joke, I finally grinned at Oz, realizing he still considered me a friend. He accepted me back. It felt good. I had always liked Oz. "Well, not yet. Around here, you never know." He chuckled. "What are you two doing here, anyway?"
Buffy cocked an eyebrow, her eyes growing a little more sad. "Angel just told me Faith has been ... hanging around him lately. Oz and me are just gonna grab some books and then head over to his place to hear him out."
"Oh." I said, aware of the hidden meaning. So Faith was jocking Angel. Yet another thing Faith and I did together. Yet I hadn't really succeeded. "Buffy?"
She looked at me. "Yeah?"
"If I didn't get him, Slut-Oh-Rama doesn't stand a chance." Buffy gave a small look, and then slowly, a smile spread onto her features. "Thanks, Cor."
I grinned back "Yeah, well, anyone that pays attention to Trailer Trash really needs to get their head checked." There was silence, and when I looked up, I saw Giles and Buffy give each other a look. Knitting my eyebrows, I looked at them curiously, but they just smiled their haggard smiles at me. Shrugging it off, I got up, stretching once.
"I'm gonna get a coke, anyone wants?"
Buffy shook her head. "nah, we'll be leaving in a few. See you tomorrow?" I looked quizzically at Giles, wondering if my services would indeed be needed. Giles nodded, and I shrugged.
"I guess so. Do I get to draw Spike tomorrow?" I winked. "He was a hottie." Buffy chuckled, and I walked out, mulling over my thoughts. I felt better than I had in weeks. Somehow, doing this, even though it was boring, and boring, and heck, even more boring than that, made me feel like I was making up for all that I had done wrong. I shouldn't have left the group, even if Xander was a jerk, even if Willow betrayed me. Cause we were kind of above that. The Hellmouth... it didn't care whether or not Xander was a lying cheat. For once, I knew... it wasn't about me.
I dawdled a little getting back to the library, wondering if Xander ever really thought about me anymore. I grimaced, I shouldn't be thinking about him, the pain in my stomach every time I thought of him, the welt of emotions, the flood of images of his lips on Willow's, the stab in my back... it was too... too painful for me. But I kept doing it. I still loved him. God help me, was I stupid or what ?
I had gotten a letter from Wesley. As I walked back to the library, I read it over again. Boy that guy wrote a lot. Five pages, back and forth. It took a whole class period just to read it. He talked a lot. Mostly about how he missed me, and stuff. He still loved me. I felt my heart heave. I was such a coward. If I had any spine, I'd have to guts to tell Wesley that I didn't. feel the same way. But I had done so much to that guy. Because of me, he had lost his Watcher career. Then again, I chuckled, I had probably done him a favor. According to the letter, he was now curator of some big museum, making good money. He'd probably be dead right now if he had stayed in Sunnyhell. I smiled, feeling a little better, realizing that he was actually happy, or so he said. Knowing, Giles still felt a little bad about Wesley, I decided he'd be happy to know he was doing okay. Looking at the letter, I pushed the door open.
"Hey, Giles! I got a letter from Wesl-" My voice trailed off when I looked up. Giles was nowhere to be found, and Xander Harris was sitting in his place.
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