Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.

Chapter Four


you see I've always been a fighter
but without you, I give up
now I can't sing a love song
like the way it's meant to be
well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
but baby, that's just me


Buffy had told me I shouldn't have come. She said that Cordy was still uncomfortable with seeing me. She had said that Cordelia needed time to get used to hanging around me and Willow again. I hadn't listened. I wanted to see her. And I immediately regretted it.

She walked in, her face was flushed, her eyes bright, her expression accented by a genuine smile that dazzled as only Cordelia Chase can do it. She was wearing this skirt that swished just so, her legs just.... beautiful. Oh, God. My heart began to beat faster. And then she had said those words. Wesley.

She saw me then, her eyes widened with surprise, and then, suddenly her face hardened, her mouth came down into a tight line, her stance became defense. I bit my lip, Cordelia had closed herself off to me. As usual.

"Cordy, hi." I said, trying to control my anger when I saw a letter in her hand, that I knew had to be from HIM.

She crossed her arms, her back straight and tall as she glared at me. "What are you doing here, Xander?"

Her question was deliberate. "Hey, I've got more right to be here, than you do, Cor." I reminded her.

She winced then, the wince that I knew only I ever notice, because only the things I say make her do it. I guess I can still hurt her, and, today, strangely, I wanted to. She was putting me through way too much.

She had no comeback, she simply ignored me, walking past me to the desk where her half finished drawing of Drusilla stared back. I allowed myself a small smile. She was good at that. But something was wrong. She hadn't insulted me since she had walked in. I was puzzled by that. I wanted her to. I was itching for a good fight, and maybe if she said those things that hurt me like only she could, then maybe I could believe again that I hated her. Cause I didn't believe it right now. Not the way I felt when I saw her. It was something completely different.

"Where's Giles?" She asked suddenly, gathering her things.

"He'll be back, said he needed some books, or something." She nodded shortly, and we were silent as she gathered her things. I watched her, the way her body moved, the way her hair just seemed like satin, moving like liquid with every movement. Warmth flooded me, and I shivered. And then I looked at the letter that she was carefully put in her folder, and was suddenly filled with some rush of anger that I suddenly blurted out,

"So, lover boy wrote ya, huh?"

She whirled, looking at me with those bright eyes of her, her jawline hard. "None of your business, asshole." she bit, grabbing her bag.

Watching her walk to the door, I remarked tightly, "You should have kept your hormones in check, Cordy." She froze. "You made him lose his job, everything." I bit off my words, but couldn't take them back. I don't think I wanted to. I was too confused to understand how to feel about Wesley, except maybe... angry. She turned back to me, and my throat grew dry when I realized that a slow, burning rage had started in her eyes. They were blazing. She rarely got this angry, I knew. And I knew then I had gone too far.

"Do you think you have ANY right to judge me?" Her voice was quiet, yet I could almost read the emotion in her voice as she gazed up at me.

I swallowed, forcing myself to look away. I was overreacting, I know that.

"All Wesley lost was a job," She bit at me, the meaning more in what she didn't say that what she actually said. "You ... bastard." The words came out unsteady, in a half whisper, and suddenly her eyes seemed to fill with tears, and closing her eyes, she turned around, and stalked out of the library.

I blew out the breath I hadn't even realized I had been holding. I had hardly never seen her so full of emotion before. I closed my eyes, musing over her last two sentences. All Wesley lost was a job... what had she lost? Her friends, her popularity, everything that meant anything to her. For me. She had given that up for me. And how did I repay her?

Sometimes I think I'm the biggest bastard on this earth.

The door opened, and Giles, wandered in, looking back after him thoughtfully.

"Xander.... what was Cordelia so upset about?"

I sat up, forcing myself to chuckle. "You know, Giles, how she is. I just said something about Wesley and she flipped out."

Giles face froze. "You what?" He asked, breathing hard. My smile froze.

"Giles, relax, we just had an argument. Like usual." He didn't' relax, he came straight toward me, with his angry Giles face. I gulped.

"Xander, do not EVER, EVER pester her about Wesley." He bit at me, his voice furious. "She feels bad enough about it as it is."

I nodded, my mind only half registering what he said. It was only later at night, when I was lying in bed, mulling over what happened, when I realized what he had meant. Feels bad? Cordelia feels bad about Wesley? Huh? Wha?

Buffy didn't help much, at least not at first. When I asked her about it the next day at school, she suddenly had this thing where she decided that she was becoming Cordelia's loyal buddy.

"Xander," she began heavily. "What Cor told me, she told me in confidence, okay? I can't just blurt stuff out."

"Sure, you can."

Buffy shook her head, standing firm, even when I gave her my sulky frown. Sighing, she slung an arm around my shoulder. "Nope, not budging."

"Damn." She grinned. "Why are you two so chummy lately?" I suddenly asked. Buffy's face grew grim, and then she gave me a soft smile.

"Cause I understand her."

"What? And from whence did this sudden clarity come?" I asked her, now completely bewildered.

"From Faith, believe it or not."

"Faith?!" She nodded. Her face suddenly became pensive.

"I realized that people have masks. Like Faith. And me. And Cordy. I just..... that whole thing with Wesley." I grimaced. I seemed to be allergic to his name. "I always thought she was just a bitch just cause she's a bitch, but she's not. She's different, than that, Xand." Buffy gave me a grim smile. "She has this little bubble that she hides in from everyone. She doesn't wanna get hurt. She knows what that feels like"

I grimaced, the guilt seeping through. And suddenly I pictured her face when she caught me with Willow, her eyes had grown wide, her whole body was trembling, the horror and pain in her movements were so frank and open, and I knew then I had broken her heart. Hell, I didn't even know I could do that! and then she ran... and she fell... I felt my stomach plummet, closing my eyes against the scene. The way I knelt down next to her, trying to say something, anything, but having so much to tell her that I couldn't utter a word. I wanted to tell her I was so sorry, I wanted to tell her that I loved her, I wanted to take away that pain in her face and in her body that I was responsible for. And I couldn't utter anything like that, I could only ask her to hold on. And her voice was so weak, as she asked for me, saying she couldn't see me. And then when she took that breath, and I thought she had left me for good... Oh, God, Cordy. I'm so sorry. I never told you,but I am. And you did leave me. You left me then.

"Hey." My eyes looked up at Buffy, who was gazing at me with concern. "You okay?"

I shrugged. "I guess. Just thinking', ya know?" She nodded, her arm on my back absently.

"Hey, Xand?"

"Mmm."

"If worst comes to worst, I mean, with Cordy, and you two end up going at it, like a real fight, don't tell her about you and Faith, okay?" Seeing my questioning glance, she shook her head. "Just don't. You'll hurt her more than you'd ever want to." And with that, she gave me a squeeze, and walked away, leaving me more confused and bewildered than before. Me hurt Cordy? Absolutely impossible. That would imply that she still had feelings for me. And that was quite obviously not true.




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