Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.
Chapter Five
A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so.
I need to know, what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answer keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again.
I could have killed him. Only he was able to do this to me, to get me so worked up that I couldn't see straight, think straight, couldn't' utter one word back. I didn't go to sleep that night. I lay awake in my bed, my eyes staring up at the ceiling wondering. He had seemed so angry, so deliberately wanting to hurt me. And I hated him for it.
I closed my eyes, the tears brimming underneath my eyelids. Oh, God, why did he do this to me? It was months ago, and just the sight of him .... oh, God. Why? Every time he says those horrid things, every time I see him, and I try to say something mean, something hurtful, all I can see, all I remember is his face looking down me, his hands caressing my hair, the tears in his eyes and the unsteadiness of his voice, the way he called to me, pleaded with me- DAMMIT! Why was I still so in love with him?! He hurt me so much, and I, like a half wit loser, still love him. Augh.
I was in a daze, the next day at school, even though all these weird things started happening. First off, Harmony was actually nice to me in class, but I barely paid attention to that. I'm so over her little barbs. What got me was that Willow said hi to me in the hallways, gave me a genuine smile, and I actually said hi back, and I smiled back. I think we surprised each other with that. I mean, I definitely surprised me. And next period, where it's just me and Oz, he sat next to me, talking to me like we were best friends. But I barely registered all of this, causing I was dreading Study Hall. Where it would be Xander, Willow and Buffy. Usually, I could walk in and completely ignore them, but ... I couldn't anymore. Cause Buffy and I were on ... sort of good terms, and Willow was nice to me, and I knew I couldn't see Xander and not react. I almost skipped that period, but I didn't . Gawd, why was I such a coward? I was Cordelia Chase dammit, suck it up and just do it. So I did. After walking back and forth outside the hallways, I finally just bit my lip and walked in.
And weirdness happened. Buffy recognized me, and began to wave wildly.
"Cor! Hey, over here." Willow gave me a small smile and motioned for me to come, rearranging her self so I fit on the other side of Buffy. I hesitated, cause then I noticed Xander. He had looked up when they had called me, but when he saw me, he just nodded. And god, the asshole looked good. Shaking myself, I took a deep breath, realizing it was now or never. I needed to deal with him, with them, cause I had come back. There was no backing out now.
So I walked over. Good old Buffy. She sensed the tension, because she immediately sat up.
"Okay, truce, okay? Xander promises not to be a jerk if you promise not to treat each other like crap." Willow grinned, and nodded, pulling me down and taking my books.
"Hey, Cordy." she chirped, flipping her red hair back. Looking at her, I realized I'm not mad at her anymore. It's just weird. I mean, I think I understand Willow enough to know she would never really intentionally hurt me. Well, maybe before, but not .. not when we were friends. She had been in love with Xander for years. I still think she owes me an apology, but I'm over being angry at her. I don't know if Willow knows how much she's blossomed this year. Her whole personality is different, she's confident, self assured, and her hair looks SO much better the way it is now instead of being all flat and stuff. She's got this inner vibrancy that even Buffy doesn't have. I mean, everything about Willow is real. It's deep.And guys notice. Xander noticed. They can't help but drown in the depth of her. Me? What they see is pretty much what they get. What's the mystery. The only guy who saw below that was Xander. And even him... he rather preferred Willow's deepness. I guess mine isn't that deep. Once again, that pain in my stomach resurfaced.
"So, I heard, you had an adventure with my vampy gay counterpart."Willow remarked, grinning wickedly.
I rolled my eyes. "If you call her almost having me for dinner an adventure, yeah I guess."
Willow and Buffy laughed, and then leaning forward, kept talking until Giles came in, and shut everyone up.
It was quiet during study hall, Willow and Buffy passed each other notes over me, nudging me every now and then, acting like I was one of them again. And it felt good. But something was missing. Xander had been strangely quiet all period. I hadn't given him one look, last night's fight still in my memory, making me almost broil with anger everytime I thought about it. I pretended to look at my books, and yet all I could concentrate on was him, the whole period. Finally, I couldn't stand it, I looked up, and then froze.
He realized I had caught him staring,and yet, he didn't seem to care. We locked eyes and then time just froze. I couldn't tear myself aware from his eyes. They were different than I had ever seen them, they looked haunted, full of hunger. I felt myself shiver at that look. He had never given me that look before.
And the bell rang, shaking me out of my trance. Feeling heat begin to sear my cheeks, I immediately reached down and began to gather my things, not looking at him. Buffy patted my shoulder, telling me she'd see me in the library, Willow waved goodbye, and I breathed a sigh of relief, until I felt a warm hand on my arm. I froze, forcing myself to breath. It had been so long since I felt him touch me. And the contact still filled me with shivers.
"Not now, Xander." I bit, trying to move past him. He held his grip firm.
"Cordy, please, I just want to talk."
Oh, no. I had found out I couldn't talk with this guy. It usually ended up in compromising situations, and right now, the way I feeling, I just didn't' trust myself with him.
"Xander, there is NOTHING to talk about." I said quickly, not looking at him.
"Yes, there is. We've needed to talk since, you know." He bit his lip, averted his eyes, and I felt a rush of anger. He had no right to feel bad. Anger at the situation that I was so helplessly out of control over filled me, and I felt myself blindly nod.
"Good, after school? In the library?"
I closed my eyes. "Okay." Xander took a breath, and nodded, before turning away. I watched as he walked away, and then suddenly, he wavered, turning back.
"Hey Cordy?"
"What?"
"I'm sorry. About last night." I shook my head as he left the classroom. Last night didn't matter. It was what happened three months ago that I was still having nightmares about.
When I walked into the library after class, my heart was pounding, I knew that Xander and I had never really had a real conversation since that night I had caught him with Willow. I had never given him a chance to explain. Of course, what happened really needed no explanation. I don't think even Xander can explain why I wake up at nights screaming, when sometimes I double over in agony from a wound that still is sore, even after all these months, that never healed completely. Oh, God, what was I doing?
"Oh, Cordelia!" Giles walked out of his office, smiling at me brightly. "Thank goodness you're here!" He told me, handing me a pad and paper.
"Giles, I-"
"Thank you for coming in, you don't know how harried I've been lately." I opened my mouth to speak, but when I saw his tired face, I couldn't bring myself to tell him I wasn't there for him.
Sighing, I put down my bags, and readied my pencil. "What do I draw?" I asked, sighing.
I didn't' say a word when Xander walked in twenty minutes later, though I did have to suppress a grin when Giles planted him with a book almost as soon as he stepped foot in the door. Fifteen minutes later, the whole gang was there. Despite the awkward circumstances, I felt almost good. Buffy tremendous thumps against punching bag, Giles constant complaining, Willow's clicking away the computer, Xander's wisecracks, and Oz's calm presence were things I had sorely missed. I almost smiled at my situation. I was happy to be back with the losers. And I think I know why. I had missed them. God forbid, but I had. All of them.
It was late when by some miracle everyone left the library. Willow had an assignment, Oz had a gig, Buffy had gone patrolling with Angel. I noticed that every half second Xander kept looking up, stealing glances at me. And I knew I was getting flushed. Awareness of him started to cause my hand to tremble, and I sighed heavily when my lines started to become shaky.
"Cordelia is something wrong?" Giles asked.
I shrugged, pointing at my drawing.
"Look," I motioned to the drawing of Spike. He gazed at it thoughtfully. Xander looked up from his books.
"It's definitely not up to par." Giles agreed. "Are you feeling alright?"
I took a breath, averting my eyes when Xander sat up.
"I'm actually a little tired." I confessed.
Giles stared at me for a minute, and then smiled softly. "Xander and I can wrap up, here. Why don't' you go home and get some sleep?"
I nodded gratefully, standing up and stretching. Xander saw me get up and stood as well. "Actually, G-man, I'm kind of tired, too."
Giles turned up an eyebrow. "Don't be silly, Xander. You don't look a bit tired."
I stifled a smirk as Xander began to shift his feet, searching desperately for an excuse to get out.
Finally deciding to take pity on him, I suddenly spoke up. "Giles, I'm kind of driving him home."
They both whirled.
"You are?" They both asked at the same time. I shrugged, raising a hand when they both motioned to speak.
"Don't make ANY comments." I warned. "I'm not turning soft." Xander grinned, and Giles just raised an eyebrow.
"Of course. Very well, then, Xander, you are free to go."
He nodded, gathering his things, and then waiting for me to pick up my books. We walked to of the library in silence, neither of us knowing exactly what to say. Finally he sighed, and turned to me in the abandoned halls.
"Cordy," he began heavily. I felt my heart well up.
"Xander, look, before, we begin this… I want to warn you about something." He cocked his head.
"What?"
"I'm extremely bitter about this whole thing,okay? I've gone through tremendous shit these past through three months, and therefore I'm not going to apologize for acting like a bitch."
Xander looked slightly taken aback, but he gulped and nodded. "So why don't' you tell me about it," He said evenly. I gave him a confused look. Xander was usually never this sensitive, and it almost undid me. I felt my lower lip tremble, and I looked away, crossing my arms to bar myself from him as much as I could.
Finally composing myself, I looked up.
"I just want to know why." I was shaking, but I looked at him in the eyes. "What did I do that was so wrong, Xander, that you went behind my back and then didn't even have the decency to tell me about it. I need to know WHY. Because if I don't find out, I swear I'm going to go crazy."
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