Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.

Chapter Six


when he holds you close, when he pulls you near
when he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him `cause those words are mine
to say to you till the end of time
yeah, I will love you
baby - Al--ways
and I'll be there forever and a day -
Alw-ays
if you told me to cry for you, I could
if you told me to die for you,I would
take a look at my face
there's no price I won't pay
to say these words to you


And there it was. There was no way around it, the question was direct, simple, and there was nothing I could to do avoid it. I saw her, her arms crossed, her eyes wounded, her stance tight as she waited for my answer. I closed my eyes,blowing my breath out. She wanted to know why… how could I tell her? I don't think I even knew myself.

"What it me?" She pressed, pointing to her chest for emphasis. "Did I do something wrong, Xander?"

"No!" I said, leaning toward her, grabbing her arms with my hands. She jerked away from my touch, her eyes suddenly blazing.

"Then, what?" I swallowed, looking at the veiled emotion in her face, and I licked my lips before finally I just blurted out.

"I guess I got scared."

She froze, her eyebrow raising high as she looked at me.

"You got scared." She repeated. I nodded, my heart hammering. "You GOT SCARED!?!" She suddenly said, more forcefully. "Dammit Xander, that is SUCH a twinkie defense!"

She whirled around, and quickly I grabbed her, trying to turn her to me. She wouldn't budge.

"Cordy, please, just hear me out."

"Why the hell should I?" She hissed.

"Because I need you to."

And she turned again, and my heart rose in my throat when I saw that her tears had begun to run unchecked down her cheeks. "You need me to? You selfish bastard. I give everything that I was, everything that was inside of me to you, I love you with all my heart, I change everything for you, and you treat me like shit because you got scared?" She pulled her shirt up, to reveal her stomach, and then grabbed my hand and placed it over her stomach. "Look at it, Xander" She pressed, "Look at it. Can you tell me why this still hurts? Why my heart hurts even more?" I had no words as I looked down at Cordelia's beautiful abdomen. The skin was smooth, except right to the side of her belly button. There on it, was a scar, it was small, but the way the pain was just painted there, like a picture… I felt my heart heave as I laid eyes on it. Oh God. My whole body began to tremble, and I raised my eyes to hers, to find she was still staring at me defiantly, not bothering to stop the tears that had begun to freefall.

"Now if you can explain that away, Xander." She said. "You are more than welcome to try."

My throat closed up. "Cor- I…" I trailed off, and then looking up at her, the emotion so vivid in her face, I knew. "I love you." I whispered. "I loved you, and it scared me. I didn't know I could feel like that."

The answer was probably what she didn't expect to hear, because she looked startled. Her face was still for half a second, and then she just started shaking her head.

"No, Xander, no you didn't."

"Yes, I did. I do." I was insistent now, now that I knew it, I had to let her know. She had to believe me.

"Xander, NO!" And suddenly she sank to the ground and began to sob. My eyes widened, and felt tears sliding down my cheeks as I looked down at her.

"Oh, Cordy." I whispered, my voice thick as I saw Cordelia Chase break down before my eyes. Her shoulders slumped, face hidden in her hands, sobbing, completely broken. It was that moment that I realized that I had never known my girlfriend of nine months at all. Because, if I had known this person, this scared girl, there was no way even Buffy could have taken me from her. I kneeled down, gathering her to me. "Cor, please." I grabbed her gently around the shoulders, pulling her to me.

She jerked away. "No," She said, shaking her head fervently. "No,Xander."

"Cordy, I love you." She kept shaking her head. "Yes, Cordy, I do." I pressed, pulling her in, my whole being devoted to making the hurt less.

She struggled, but she was too weak in her emotion to put up much of a fight. "no, Xander, please." She pleaded. "Don't' do this to me, don't-"

"I have to, Cor. God, I was such a coward. I was such a cowar-Oh, Cor." I pulled her close, my own throat closing up as I held her shaking form to me as tight as I could. She still sobbed, but after a minute, her arms slid around my waist and buried her head in the nape of my neck, her salty tears wetting my skin. I held close, my lips on her forehead as I let her take comfort in me, the person who had caused all of this to happen, the one who had helped contribute to all this pain.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered against her ear, pressing my lips against her lobe. She shivered, but said nothing, too full of sadness, of fear, of guilt to do anything but hold me. "I love you." I whispered again, so relieved that I was finally able to tell her, to let her know. "I love you. I do, Cor. I'm always gonna love you."

"How touching." The voice came out of the stillness, and I jerked up, startled. For a moment I had thought that the only two people that had existed in this world were me and Cor. But as I looked up, I knew that wasn't true, cause I looked up, and saw Faith.




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