Title: When Angels Cry
Author: Rina Stewart
Email: rina@love-productions.com
Rating: PG-13
Keywords: Willow/Xander, character death
Disclaimer: Willow, Xander, Giles, Buffy, Oz, Angel and Cordy belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. Carrie belongs to me.
Distribution: Want it? Take it! I would like a note about where it is, though.
Feedback: YES! Please. I'd really appreciate it.
Spoilers: None. This branches off after Grad 2.
Summary: Willow, now 25, has cancer.
Song Credits: "When Angels Cry" is performed by Janis Ian, and can be found on her CD, Revenge. For GH fans, this was Robin and Stone's song.
"Kiss Me" is performed by Sixpence None the Richer, and can be found on their self-titled CD.
I Will Remember You is performed by Sarah McLachlan and can be found on the Brothers McMullen soundtrack.
Author's Notes: I wrote and posted this about a year ago. I was never completely satisfied with it, but I just couldn't do any more with it at the time. Frankly, it depressed me too much. LOL But now I'm back, and so is this story. It's been edited, parts rewritten, and the conclusion that I always envisioned will be ready in a few weeks. : )

Wait
Your tired arms must rest
Let this moment pass
Wait until the morning


July 27, 2006

The light was so bright. Willow Rosenberg Harris squinted her green eyes, and then closed them completely. "Xander?" she whispered.

Her husband, Xander Harris, left the window he had just opened and rushed to her side. "Yeah, baby?"

"Can you close the blinds again? The sun is too bright."

"Sure, Will." He went back to shut the blinds again before sitting next to Willow's hospital bed. He reached out and took her hand. "How are you feeling, Will?" he asked gently.

"Come here, Xander," she said softly. He leaned closer. "No, come here, all the way. Lay down with me." She shifted her body to the left and he laid down next to her, cradling her frail body. Willow had been in and out of the hospital ever since she had been diagnosed with cancer five months earlier, and this had lately become a familiar position for them.

She mustered her energy and twisted in his embrace so that they were facing each other. She raised her nearly translucent white hand to smooth back his dark brown hair. She was going to miss him so much. Every time she thought leaving Xander and their daughter Carrie, her heart broke. Carrie. Her sweet little baby girl, who had been through so much recently.

"Penny for your thoughts," Xander finally said, gently squeezing her hand.

She smiled sadly at him. "I was just thinking about how much I'm going to miss you." He got a peculiar look on his face, and she knew he was going to try and refute her statement. He still hadn't come to terms with her impending death yet, and soon, it would be too late. "Xander, shhhh," she said, putting her fingers over his mouth in an effort to quiet him. "Xander, you have to listen to me. It's hard, I know. But I'm going to die, sweetie."

His eyes filled with tears at her last sentence. Intellectually, he knew that they didn't have much time left. It was just that he couldn't imagine his life without her. In the twenty years they had been best friends, they had never been apart, and now he had to contemplate spending the rest of his life without his other half. He realized that she was waiting for him to say something, and he struggled unsuccessfully to hold his tears back. "I know," he finally managed, his voice thick. "I know." The dam finally broke, and he started sobbing as Willow's imminent death truly hit him for the first time.

The tables turned, and now Willow was the one to cradle Xander as he sobbed out all the pain and frustration he had been feeling for the past few months. She closed her eyes as she hugged her husband's shuddering body to her breast, and let her own tears fall. She cried for Xander, and Carrie, and Giles, and also for herself. She would never get to see Carrie grow up, get ready for her first date, her prom, or her wedding day. She would never get to grow old with Xander, or have more babies with him. They cried together for the future they would never get a chance to share, and for all they were losing. They stayed that way for almost an hour, until all their tears were spent and they lay limply in each other's arms.

"Xander?" she asked weakly.

He lifted his head, his watery brown eyes meeting her dull green ones.

"It's going to be soon, Xand. I can feel it, and I don't want to die here. I want to be at home, in our bed, listening to our little girl playing and laughing in her room next to me," she said wanly, her voice breaking.

He hadn't thought he had any more tears left, but he was wrong. "Okay," he said softy as she brushed his tears away. "I'll talk to the doctor, and we'll get you home, where you belong."

She smiled at him. "Thank you."


Close your eyes and let me see
Who you used to be
Left without a warning
Who knew one so big could grow so small
Lighter than the writing on the wall


July 26, 2001

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it! Xander proposed to me today. Proposed! I'm getting married! I'm just so excited. Our perfect day started this afternoon. . .

"Hey, Will!" Xander called out as he let himself into the apartment his girlfriend Willow shared with their friend Buffy. He spent so much time there, Willow had given him his own key.

"I'll be right down," Willow shouted. "I'm almost ready!"

"Okay!" he called back, and settled himself on the living room couch. Buffy walked in from the kitchen, eating an apple, and sat down next to him.

"So?" she asked eagerly. "Are you going to do it?"

Xander pulled a small black velvet box out of his pocket and handed it to his friend. "For better or worse."

Buffy opened the case and gasped. "Oh, my God." She lifted the sparkling diamond solitaire ring and examined it in the sunlight. "Xander, this is gorgeous! It must be a, what, full carat diamond? How in the world did you afford this?"

He took the ring back, putting it in the case, and slid it into his pocket. "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."

She whistled. "Okay, don't wanna know. Are you sure you want to do this now, though?" she asked carefully, voicing a question she had been asking herself since Xander had told her his plans a week earlier. "I mean, you guys haven't even finished college yet."

After graduation, Willow and Oz had broken up. He had moved to New York to work on his music, and Willow had decided to stay in Sunnydale to help Buffy and Giles. She attended a small, private college about ten miles away, while Buffy and Xander chose to go to Sunnydale Community College. All three would start their junior year the following month. Angel and Cordy had moved to Los Angeles after graduation, and hadn't been back since. Soon after the start of freshman year, Xander and Willow had "fluked" once again in her dorm room, but decided that they didn't want it to be a fluke. They had been seriously dating ever since.

"I'm sure, Buff," he said with a confidence that had been fading all day. "Will and I are meant to be together. We've been in love with each other since we could walk, even if it took me a little longer to realize it. We've already spent a lifetime together. It was just a matter of time until we decided to spend the rest of our lives together."

Buffy smiled wistfully, missing that kind of all-encompassing love, as Willow came down the stairs and walked over to Xander. "Hey, sweetie," she smiled, leaning down to kiss him. "You look nice," she said, admiring his well-fitting black jeans and grey t-shirt. "So, where are we going?"

He couldn't take his eyes off her, with her snug denim shorts and blue tank top. "So beautiful," he breathed, still amazed that this wonderful woman actually loved him.

She blushed. "Xander, I've worn this outfit a million times. Where are we going?"

"Right. Going," he said, still staring at her long legs. She hit him playfully and he snapped out of it. "Hey!" he protested. "And no, no telling. Where we're going is a surprise. Ready?"

"Ready, Freddy," she giggled, pulling him off the couch. "Bye, Buff! See you tomorrow!" Buffy waved as the laughing duo headed out the door.

"Please tell me where we're going?" Willow pleaded as they headed out in Xander's car.

"Uh-uh," Xander shook his head. "No hints, my little witch. Just wait."

"Oh, you're no fun," she pouted, leaning over to turn the radio on. She played with the stations until she found something she liked. "Oh! I love this song!" she said excitedly, cranking the volume up. "Kiss me beneath the milky twilight. Lead me out on the moonlit floor. Lift your open hand, strike up the band and make the fireflies dance. Silver moon's sparkling, so kiss me," she sang along, only a little off key.

Xander watched her out of the corner of his eye as she continued singing. How did he ever get so lucky? he wondered. 'Goin' to the Chapel' was the next song, and Xander prayed that it was a good omen as Willow continued to sing along.

Nearly an hour later, they had arrived at their destination. Just as Xander had hoped, they had time before the sun set.

Willow looked around at the clearing of the forest where they had stopped. There was something familiar about it. "Oh!" She clapped her hands. "Second grade camp-out," she said excitedly. "Remember? Of course you do, you brought me here. God, I was terrified of the things that go bump in the night, and you let me share your sleeping bag. Is that my surprise? Are we going to have another camp-out?" She bounced excitedly in her seat.

Xander smiled at her animation. "In a way. See, now we know that those things that go bump in the night are real, so I had to improvise. Over there," he pointed, "is a small cabin, which is where we'll have our camp-out. In a nice, safe, vamp-proof place. Sound good?"

"Sounds very good," Willow smiled, leaning to give him a quick kiss before jumping out of the car. "Come on! Let's go," she said happily.

He reached into the back seat to pull a duffel bag full of clothes he had packed for them, and exited the car. He caught up with his girlfriend and walked her back to the cabin.

Xander pulled the key out of his pocket, and opened the door with a flourish. "After you, milady," he said with an exaggerated bow. Giggling, she curtsied back and walked into the small cottage. He followed her inside and dropped the bag on the ground. "So, what do you think?" he asked nervously.

"It's beautiful, Xander," she said, spinning around to see everything. "This is so cool. Look at the size of that fireplace!" She disappeared into one of the adjoining rooms. "Oh!" she exclaimed, popping her head back out, eyes wide. "Did you see the size of the hot tub? It could fit a football team!" He laughed as she darted into the other room. She reappeared a few minutes later. "Goddess, that must a King and a half size bed!"

He grinned again. "I'm glad you like it." He glanced to his left. "Did you see the kitchen yet?"

"Uh-uh," she said, and headed over. She opened the refrigerator and gasped. "Xander! Oh, my word. Look at all this stuff!"

He walked over behind her. "It's for our picnic," he said, taking the bottle of wine out. "In front of the fireplace."

She turned to smile at him. "Sounds perfect."

Two hours later, they were laying spoon style on a blanket in front of the fireplace, staring into the flames. Music was playing softly on a small boom box Xander had brought with. "Happy?" Xander asked, dropping a small kiss on Willow's hair.

She smiled contentedly. "Yeah. Very happy," she told him, snuggling against him.

He took a deep breath, and slipped the small box out of his coat pocket behind him. Not giving himself a chance to chicken out, he pushed in front of Willow.

"Xand?" she questioned. "What's this?" At his direction, she opened it and gasped. "Oh!"

He pushed himself up and knelt in front of her. She slowly sat up, not taking her eyes from the diamond ring. He gently took the box out of her hands and held up the ring. "Willow, sweetie, I love you so much. Will you marry me?"

"Oh!" she said again, stunned. "Oh, Xander." He waited with bated breath. "Yes! Xander, yes! Yesyesyesyesyes!" she said excitedly, starting to giggle with happiness. He briefly closed his eyes in relief. When he opened them again, she had her hand out, waiting for him to put the ring on her finger, where it belonged. When it was in place, she just looked at it, amazed. After all the years, her dreams were finally coming true. She looked back at Xander. Not just Xander, she thought. My Xander. My fiancee. Their eyes met, and matching smiles of joy appeared on their faces.

"Wow," Xander said, sounding amazed. "We're engaged."

"Yep, we are," Willow agreed.

They looked at each other. "Took us long enough!" they said in unison, and started laughing as they hugged each other euphorically. Xander tugged Willow to her feet, still not letting go of her, and spun her in a circle. "Yea, us!" Willow cheered, still laughing.

November 20, 2001

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it! This is just unbelievable. Unbelievable in a good way, but still unbelievable. What's unbelievable, you ask? We're going to have a baby! I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Isn't that awesome? Luckily, I won't be showing until after the wedding, which is in only 27 days. I think Xander was more shocked than I was when I told him. *g*

December 17, 2001

Dear Diary,

Well, it's official. I am now Mrs. Alexander LaVelle Harris!! "Hello, I'm Mrs. Harris. Willow Harris. Willow Rosenberg Harris. Willow R. Harris. Willow Rosenberg-Harris." Okay, yeah, I still need to decide on that. It can wait, though. I don't have much time now. Xander went out, with Buffy, (yes, on the first night of our honeymoon) to get me and the baby a cheeseburger and cheese fries. I had a craving, what can I say?

The wedding was beautiful. Buffy was my maid of honor and Giles was Xander's best man. Buffy and I found the most perfect dress for me-it was very simple, with a plain white bodice, short sleeves, and a full skirt with a lace overlay. White, of course, even though I'm not exactly virginal, being almost 15 weeks pregnant. Buffy's pale blue dress was a little more form fitting, and slinky, but I decided I didn't want to dress her in something she hated, so she wouldn't do the same to me when she had a chance. We had it early so the guests would be home before nightfall. Giles gave Buffy the night off and we figured the fewer people out tonight that we knew about, the better. Not that we had very many people here. Neither Xander nor I have very large families, and we both just invited a few other friends from college.

College. I have no idea about what I'm going to do now. Sure, I'll finish off at least this next semester, but the baby's due in June, and what about after that? Xander and I have decided to take a Scarlett O'Hara approach and think about that tomorrow, but eventually we have to decide what to do. Oh, goody! Xander's back. More later!

March 7, 2002

Dear Diary,

Xander and I saw our baby today! I keep looking at the sonogram picture in amazement. We made this baby. And it's perfect. We're starting to talk about names now. If it's a boy, we both like the names Christopher and Jeremy. If it's a girl, I kinda want to name her Jennifer or Jana after Ms. Calendar, but I don't know how Giles would feel about that. Xander prefers Emily or Rebecca. We'll figure it out eventually. We still have a few months.

Speaking of Giles. He's just been wonderful. Xander has a job in the afternoons and evenings now, so he always takes me to the library to stay with Giles, who takes me home every night. They're both being so protective of me, because there's no way I can fight off any baddies in this condition. A few days ago, I was talking to him about the problem of what I'll do with school after the baby was born. He actually suggested that he would take care of her! (Okay, no, we don't know the sex yet, but I can't help referring to it as a girl, because "it" seems too impersonal.) I told him that he was crazy, because whoever heard of a newborn in a library? He reminded me that he has tenure, so they can't fire him, Snyder's gone and his replacement apparently doesn't even realize that there is a library, and the students never did. I guess it's definitely an option, and I can't think of anyone I trust more than Giles to take care of her if Xander and I can't be there. I think he regrets that he never found someone to marry and have children with, and our baby is the closest that he'll ever come to a child or grandchild of his own. Maybe it is the best idea, for all of us.

June 21, 2006

Dear Diary,

I'm a mommy!! I thought this day would never, ever come. Miss Caroline Jennifer Harris was born at 6:56 pm today, weighing in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces. So far, she has my red hair, but with blue eyes, which the nurses say will probably change colors soon. I was at the library with Giles this morning when I went into labor, and Xander met us at the hospital. Luckily Xander had made Giles give up his beloved Citroen when he started driving me every night, so we got to the hospital in pretty good time. Giles and Buffy, who we asked to be Godparents, were in the waiting room the whole time. When I asked him if he minded us giving our baby Jenny's name as a second name, I could swear I saw tears in his eyes as he told me that it was a wonderful idea. Caroline isn't for anyone, it was just one of the names we could actually agree on. Emily was starting to grow on me, but then Xander saw this name and we both fell in love with it. I think we're going to call her Carrie. Our little Care-bear. : ) She and Xander are sleeping now-she's staying in the room with me. He was holding her in the chair the next to my bed, her little body curled up on his chest, and she fell asleep, and he followed soon after. And now I think it's my turn. I'm really tired, I just wanted to get this all written down today while it was still so fresh in my mind.

September 3, 2002

Dear Diary,

I had no idea it would be so hard to leave Carrie with Giles to go to school today. It was the first time I would be away from her for so many hours, and it nearly killed me. I think it nearly killed Giles, too. It took me almost half and hour to actually leave the library today, and then I called almost every fifteen minutes after that. I tried to cut my afternoon classes, but he wouldn't let me. He actually put her on the phone with me to demonstrate that she really was doing well. And she was. She loves Giles a lot, since she saw him so much over the summer. It was much more traumatic for me than for her, and there has got to be something wrong with that. But this was a good idea. I just hope it goes easier on me tomorrow.

January 13, 2003

Dear Diary,

I'm so happy for Buffy and Giles! They have finally, finally realized what Xander and I have known for ages-they're in love with each other. They don't want a huge wedding, so Xander, Carrie, Joyce and I are going to go with them to see the Justice of the Peace tomorrow for the ceremony. Joyce is disappointed that there won't be a real wedding, but I understand that Buffy is terrified that if they don't do it now, she won't be alive for the wedding. At nearly 22, she's the oldest Slayer ever, and she doesn't know how much longer she really has.

Carrie's going to be the flower girl, at "Aunt" Buffy's insistence. I swear, Buffy is like a second mother to her. Then again, Giles is like a second father, so it's fitting. Whenever Xander and I need a night to ourselves, they're always there, willing to take care of Carrie for us. I don't know how we would deal without them.

January 15, 2006

Dear Diary,

I'm numb. Just completely numb. Buffy died today. Even as I write it, it doesn't seem real. Nothing seems real, anymore. I can see Carrie playing with her dolls in the corner, and Xander is on the phone with his boss, telling him why he won't be in for awhile, but it's like a dream. Giles is just devastated, as is Joyce. We all knew this day was inevitable, but we always thought that Buffy would beat her calling. She was too full of life to be killed, and yet here we are, and she isn't. When Joyce called us early this morning, all I could do was run into Carrie's room and hug her with all my might. I can't bear the idea of ever losing her, and yet that's exactly what Joyce has to face now. I think of Giles, all alone now, and I can't imagine life without Xander, either. He's my other half, truly part of me. Maybe I don't show him that enough, but we're both so busy. If he died, I don't know what I would do. I would just crumble, because he's my life support. . .

Willow looked up from her journal and saw Xander watching her. "I love you, Xander," she said softly, meeting his eyes.

He nodded, understanding exactly how she felt. "I love you, too, Will. So much." He reached across the bed and engulfed her in a huge hug, both clutching at each other with all of their strength.

Across the room, Carrie saw her parents holding each other, and decided to join them. "Hug!" the three-year-old squealed, running and jumping on both her parents, who opened their arms to let her join the hug.

Willow and Xander exchanged a look over their daughter's short red hair. Carrie noticed the wetness on her mother's face and gently touched it. "Mommy's crying?"

Willow swallowed hard. "Yeah, baby, Mommy's crying. I have some sad news, sweetie."

Carrie looked at her father, uncertain. "Daddy?"

Xander took his wife and daughter's hands into his own. "Carrie, something happened to Aunt Buffy last night. A bad man came, and he hurt her, really bad."

Carrie paused, thinking. "Like when I fell down the stairs and bumped my head."

Willow nodded at her daughter. "That's right. Only, Aunt Buffy was hurt a lot more. She died last night, baby."

Carrie looked at her parents, not understanding.

Xander tried to explain. "She was hurt so bad, Care, that her body couldn't fix itself anymore, and it stopped, so she went to heaven."

Carrie considered this. "So, when's she coming back?"

Willow closed her eyes, and struggled to get the words out. "She's not coming back, Carrie. Once you go to heaven, you can't come back. She has to stay there now."

Carrie nodded. "Oh. Okay, Mommy. Can I go play now?"

"Yeah, that's fine, sweetie," Xander told her, and she scampered away to find her dolls. He looked at his wife, who looked lost. He hugged her, and she held on to him.

"I wish I was three years old and didn't understand," she whispered. "I wish I didn't know how hard the world is."

He rocked her, his tears falling onto her hair. "I know, Will. Believe me, I know."

March 3, 2006

Dear Diary,

It doesn't end. Why doesn't it ever end? It's been almost three months since Buffy died. I've been feeling run-down and tired lately, but I figured it was because I was grieving for Buffy, and expending so much energy helping Giles and Xander. Then, I thought that maybe I was pregnant again, so I went to the doctor's for some tests. Who would have thought that it would be cancer, and it was my turn to die?. . .

"Xander?" Willow walked into their bright house and looked around, not seeing anything. "Xand?" she called again.

He poked his head out of the kitchen door. "Hey, sweetie." He walked over and kissed her. "How did the doctor's appointment go?"

Willow dropped her jacket on the couch. "Where's Carrie?" she asked.

"Giles came by to take her to the park," he said. "Will, what's wrong? What did the doctor say?" She didn't say anything, and a feeling of dread started in the pit of his stomach. "Will? Willow, honey, you're scaring me. What did she say?"

Silently, she took his hand and sat him down on the couch. "They ran some tests, Xander," she said, staring at the floor. She raised her head and met his eyes. "It's cancer. They showed me the results of last week's tests and this time's. I have leukemia."

Xander felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. "What?" he whispered. "No. No way."

She nodded. "I know. That's what I said. But no, it's true. I need to start chemo next week. Doctor's orders."

He sat there, stunned. Then, a look of resolution passed over his face. "We'll beat this, Willow. We're not going to let it get you."

"But," she began.

"No buts," he stopped her. "See, I have a resolve face, too. See it? We are not going to let this get you. End of story."

She nodded slowly. "Okay. You're right. We can do this. I won't let it beat me." Tears suddenly filled her eyes. "But that doesn't mean I'm not scared out of my mind."

He quickly leaned forward and pulled her toward him. "I know," he said, almost inaudibly, holding her as she cried. "Me, too."


End part two




Next Chapter