Title: When Angels Cry
Author: Rina Stewart
Email: rina@love-productions.com
Rating: PG-13
Keywords: Willow/Xander, character death
Disclaimer: Willow, Xander, Giles, Buffy, Oz, Angel and Cordy belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. Carrie belongs to me.
Distribution: Want it? Take it! I would like a note about where it is, though.
Feedback: YES! Please. I'd really appreciate it.
Spoilers: None. This branches off after Grad 2.
Summary: Willow, now 25, has cancer.
Song Credits: "When Angels Cry" is performed by Janis Ian, and can be found on her CD, Revenge. For GH fans, this was Robin and Stone's song.
"Kiss Me" is performed by Sixpence None the Richer, and can be found on their self-titled CD.
I Will Remember You is performed by Sarah McLachlan and can be found on the Brothers McMullen soundtrack.
Author's Notes: I wrote and posted this about a year ago. I was never completely satisfied with it, but I just couldn't do any more with it at the time. Frankly, it depressed me too much. LOL But now I'm back, and so is this story. It's been edited, parts rewritten, and the conclusion that I always envisioned will be ready in a few weeks. : )

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
The power of a four letter word


March 9, 2006

Dear Diary,

I started chemo today. I'm doing it on an outpatient basis so I can be there for Carrie during the day, like she's used to. I've always worked at home, because it never did get easier for me to leave her with Giles at the library. Luckily, right after graduation, I had been able to find a small computer company that was so excited to get me, that they didn't care if I worked at home or in Timbuktu, as long as I worked for them. Chris, my boss, was great when I told him about the cancer. He gave me 3 months' leave, just asking if I could do some work if I had the strength. My job will be there as long as I'm here, he said. I never imagined I could be so tired, though. It's like the chemo isn't just killing the cells, it's killing my very life source. I'm in bed now. I had to call Giles to get Carrie and take her to the library. She can't see me like this. I wish I hadn't forced Xander to go to work today. I need him.

March 10, 2006

Dear Diary,

No sooner did I finish that entry, than Xander was home. He said he could tell that I needed him, so he came home early and arranged for Carrie to stay with Giles for awhile, until I get my strength back up. I talked with her on the phone last night and again this morning. I think a visit with her is exactly what Giles needs right now. He hasn't been the same since Buffy died, just walking around like he was dead inside, and telling him about my cancer didn’t help things at all.

I can't believe how much better I feel now that Xander's here. He knows exactly what I need, whether it's a hug, some sleep, or just a little bit of food. He's so amazingly optimistic that I can't help feeling that maybe he's right, and I will get through this. I'm so much stronger when I have him by my side. He says he feels the same way.

April 25, 2006

Dear Diary,

Chemo didn't work. I still have cancer. I'm cancerous. Xander keeps telling me to think positive, but it's so hard. Xander was there with me this time at the doctors. He kept saying that there had to be something else we could do. So, I start radiation treatment soon. When? As soon as I decide. Xander keeps pushing me to start tomorrow, but I need time to regroup. What if this doesn't work? I want to spend time with Carrie now, before my energy is depleted again.

I hate feeling so tired, so useless. I want to be with my daughter! Is that such a big thing to ask? I want to play with her, like we used to. Now, all I can manage is some small game while sitting down. No running, no going to the park and playing, unless someone is there with a car to bring me home when I get so exhausted, I almost collapse. How much does she understand about what's going on? What do you tell a three-year-old about her mother's possible imminent death? Xander and I told her that Mommy is sick and has to take medicine that makes her very tired. Can she pick up on the tenseness and worry that are in Xander and Giles' faces every time they see me? How much does she truly understand? And how will she take it if something does happen to me? These are questions that I don't even want to think about, but are constantly running through my head.




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