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Part 4

It was just after noon when Elise pushed open the door to the Wolfram & Hart Information Services Department and walked through the short row of cubicles to reach the office door at the back that read, "Willow Rosenberg, Director."  She knocked and waited for a response before opening the door.

"Willow?"

"Come on in."

"Do you have some time? I'd like to talk to you."

"Let me just hand this over to Gavin to run, and I'll be right with you," Willow said as she came to her feet, a stack of papers in hand.  She gestured to the chairs in front of her desk as she started toward the door. "Make yourself at home."

"Okay, thank you."

While she waited, Elise scanned the contents of the expansive, but windowless office.  She and Willow seldom, if ever, interacted; and this was the first time that she had ever been in this part of the building, much less this office. The walls were painted a dark, forest green, complimentary to the golden beige carpet on the floor. Along one side of the room there was a massive cabinet, the doors closed and, from the looks of them, securely locked. The subtle smell of smoke and herbs lingered in the air. On the credenza behind the desk there was a small marble bowl, a sprinkling of various herbs and the stubs of several black candles. Curious, Elise leaned forward to get a better look. 

"So what did you need?" Willow asked as she swept back into the office.  Noting the direction of the novelists' inquisitive gaze, her own expression became shuttered. Without a word, she swept the items up and placed them on a shelf below, closing the credenza door firmly. 

"I'm working on an idea for a new book, and I was hoping you might help me." Elise offered with a smile. The items themselves were curious; Willow's behavior however, made them curiouser still. But, Elise cautioned herself, she didn't know Willow very well; perhaps there was nothing unusual at all. 

"How so?" Willow asked, taking a seat at her desk and glancing over at her guest.

"I'm really sorry, this is a bit awkward, so I'm just going to be straight with you. I'm interested in writing a book about a Slayer. Specifically... about Buffy." Gently Elise added, "I know you were friends."

Willow looked away. "Yes, best friends."

"If it's a painful topic for you, please say so. It's not my intention to bring up something hurtful."

"No, no. I mean, it hurts, but I can talk about her." Willow replied, returning her gaze to Elise's face. "Is this because you're seeing Angel? Or are you really writing a book?" Her expression was somber, her tone curt.

"I'm really writing a book. Well, that's the plan. I haven't actually started it yet. Right now I'm just researching."

"Researching Buffy. Is this a story about her life, or slaying or what?"

"Right now, it's looking like it will be more of a love story than anything else."

"Buffy and..."

Elise's brows arched in surprise. "Angel, of course."

"Oh, yes, of course. I wasn't sure. I mean, there was Spike, and Riley too. And with you seeing Angel I didn't think you'd... well, never mind."

"Seeing Angel may have prompted the idea, but I can assure you this has nothing to do with jealousy - or any other emotion - about his previous girlfriend," Elise replied candidly.  "Every woman has more than one relationship, but there's only one first love," she continued agreeably. "Besides - or perhaps more pertinently - it sounds like what Buffy and Angel had was very special, unique and rare. I'm interested in telling their story purely from that perspective."

"So what did you want to know from me?" Willow asked solicitously.

"Anything you're willing to share. As her closest friend and confidant, you have more insight and information about Buffy than almost anyone else," Elise said, taking her tape recorder out of the bag and holding it up for inspection. "Do you mind?"

"No, I don't mind." Willow replied with a simple shake of her head. "Well, if you want to hear about Buffy and Angel specifically..."

"That would be wonderful. Would you mind starting with how they met?"

"Well, we were in high school. He showed up one night, gave her some cryptic advice about vampires, and then disappeared.  He did that a few times. One time he gave her a silver cross necklace; another time he gave her his leather jacket. She used to wear both of them pretty much all the time back then. She had a huge crush on him, right from the beginning."

"Did she know that he was a vampire then?"

"No... if I remember it right, she found out one night after he helped her fight off these assassin types - the Three I think it was - and then he stayed over at her house. They were kissing, and he vamped out on her.  Not long after that, she thought he attacked her Mom, but that was Darla - who was actually the vamp that made Angel one."

Elise considered that bit of information for a moment. She did remember seeing something in one of the books about a vampire named Darla being Angel's sire. She made a note to check further on that detail later.  "And then what happened?"

"Buffy went after Angel, and Darla was there. Angel saved Buffy from Darla by staking her. He disappeared after that only to show up a few days later at the Bronze... they talked, and decided that they couldn't have a relationship, so that was the end of it between them for a little while."

"That seems to be a consistent theme with them." Elise noted thoughtfully.

Willow nodded. "Yes, it was. You should have seen Buffy when Angel broke up with her just before prom. She was devastated."

"Before we get to that, can you tell me what brought them back together? After all, they had decided that they couldn't be."

"Let me think. there was the Master's death... no, that wasn't it. Actually, it might have been me, now that I think about it." Willow's expression brightened and she smiled. "Buffy would see Angel, and they'd talk or he'd drop some clue about some demon or vampire, but nothing more. So one night Buffy and Cordelia had gone to a frat party, which just happened to be for sacrificing girls to this giant wormy. Buffy had lied to both Giles and Angel, telling them that she was at home, and of course I had to tell them that she wasn't. Without going into all the details of what happened, I ended up yelling at Giles about how he never let Buffy do anything other than patrol and train, and then at Angel because he wouldn't ask Buffy out, even for coffee. A few days later, he finally did."

"I've heard of Cordelia, but I didn't get the impression that she and Buffy were friends."

"Oh, they weren't really. Cordelia invited Buffy because one of the frat guys liked her. Her being Buffy. So I guess you can say, Cordelia was using her. Buffy was bummed because Angel had pretty much given her the brush off, so she went."

"Ah, okay. But after that, they started dating then?"

"Yeah. Things moved pretty fast from there. I think that was October, because they went out on their first 'official' date around Halloween. By January, and Buffy's birthday, they had gotten to that next big step. You know about that, right? Angel and the whole 'lost his soul' thing?"

"Yes, I do, but I'd love to hear your version of the events."

"Hmm. well, Buffy and Angel were chasing down a demon called The Judge. Spike and Drusilla were reassembling him. That's a whole long story by itself. Anyway, they got caught, but got away and ended up hiding at Angel's apartment.  One thing led to another, and they had sex that night. After that, Angel was bad. Really bad. He killed Jenny Calendar, who was one of the teachers at the school, and Giles' on again, off again girlfriend. He left her body in Giles' bed. He arranged things like she had planned a romantic evening with music and flowers. It was awful. It really messed Giles up for awhile. Jenny, being sort of a techopagan, is the one that really got me interested in magic. Back then. I don't really practice any more. Anyway, Angel continued to torment Buffy with all these little tricks - like getting into her room and drawing pictures of her." Leaning forward as if imparting a confidence, Willow added. "I think he probably raped her then as well. Not that Buffy ever said so but..."

"Oh, no."

"Besides the fact that he was probably physically one of the strongest vampires she had ever fought, the thing was... Angel could manipulate Buffy mentally and emotionally, and he knew it. He took full advantage of that. He knew that Buffy wouldn't be able to kill him because she couldn't separate the demon from the guy that had been her boyfriend."

"That would be difficult for anyone."

"I guess," Willow acknowledged with a shrug. "So Angel, along with Spike and Drusilla, unearthed the tomb of Acathla. They needed to know how to open it - which then would apparently suck the world into hell - but I guess weren't having any luck, fortunately.  So one night, Angel distracted Buffy while Drusilla captured Giles. Xander, Kendra, and I were there in the high school library when they came. I ended up in the hospital with a concussion, Xander ended up with a broken arm, and Kendra ended up dead. Skip ahead a few hours.  Buffy goes to stop Angel and save Giles, while I tried the spell that Jenny had found - the spell being the one to give Angel his soul back. We didn't know that it worked until months later."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I won't forget when she told us. Giles and I were in the library, and Buffy came in.  She said 'When I killed him, Angel was cured.'  The spell worked at the last minute, just before she... killed him. Anyway, she said that he didn't remember what he'd done, that he just held her. She said that she told him that she loved him, she kissed him, and then she killed him. I felt so bad for her then."

"I feel bad for her just hearing about it. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been."

"But he was bad. Really bad," Willow asserted brusquely. "Buffy just couldn't always see it. She could never be objective when it came to Angel."

"And when Angel came back from hell..." Elise prompted, masking her surprise at Willow's seeming lack of empathy. 

"Oh, yeah, he comes back from hell, and Buffy hides him. I guess she was taking care of him too. Anyway, so we're all searching for Lagos and the glove of Myneghon, when Xander catches them kissing - so we had to confront her about it."

Elise's brows lifted slightly. "You confronted her? You make it sound like some sort of an intervention?"

"We had to," Willow replied defensively. "She hid him from us. Angel had killed some of our friends, tortured Giles, and we didn't even know that he was back because she didn't bother to tell us. She protected him instead of us. We didn't know if he was still bad or not, and we didn't know what kind of relationship he and Buffy had then either. For all we knew, they were having sex again, and he was evil."

"But... did you really think that Buffy would do that? I mean, see Angel when he was... evil?"

"You didn't know her," Willow stated coolly. She softened her tone somewhat as she continued, "She could be completely blind when it came to Angel. I think she would do just about anything for him."

"I see. What happened after that?" Elise inquired, her tone scrupulously cordial to hide her astonishment that Buffy's best friend seemed rather cold and insensitive about the whole situation.

"It would take hours to give you all of the details, so I'll just fill in the highlights for now. Faith, another Slayer, went after Angel and almost killed him, but Buffy stopped her. It worked out though, since Angel ended up saving me from a flamey death. A bad Watcher by the name of Gwendolyn Post had gotten hold of the glove, which was very powerful and dangerous. After that, Buffy and Angel tried to do the no touching, just friends thing."

"But that didn't work."

"Not really.  Eventually Spike - who was in Sunnydale then and was also bad - kidnapped me and Xander Harris. Xander was a friend of ours then too. Anyway, Spike wanted me to do a love spell for him so he could get Drusilla back." Willow rolled her eyes. "But before I could do the spell, Oz and Cordelia showed up to rescue us - only Cordelia fell through the floor and got hurt. They caught me and Xander kissing. I had a huge crush on Xander since practically forever, and it was only after I started seeing Oz and Xander was seeing Cordelia, that anything ever happened. I guess it was more of one of those forbidden love type things, because once it could happen - me and Xander - neither of us wanted it anymore."

"Oz was a high school love?"

"Yeah, Oz," Willow replied with a wistful smile. "He was my first and only real guy relationship. But back to Buffy and Angel... after that happened, Buffy broke up with Angel, and they tried to stay away from each other, but they started sharing these dreams."

"Prophetic dreams?" Elise asked, obviously fascinated.

"I guess."

"That's amazing."

Willow shrugged dismissively. "Buffy was seeing Angel kill people as a vampire. I'm not sure that qualifies as amazing."

"Dream sharing is amazing. It's usually a sign of a powerful connection between two people at a subconscious level. It's very rare from what I understand."

"I guess. Anyway, Buffy thought Angel was going to go bad again, so we all ended up spending our winter break in the Sunnydale High Library researching. Not like we didn't spend most of our time there anyway." Willow declared almost peevishly. "It turned out to be the First Evil's first appearance in Sunnydale. I guess it was trying to tempt Angel into either losing his soul again or killing Buffy.  Buffy prevailed however, and the First Evil was vanquished for awhile."

"What happened with Buffy and Angel after that?"

"I guess they tried to be sort of a normal couple for a while. Some of the tension was gone, and they'd go out like on dates and stuff. Hold hands, kiss, you know." Pausing, Willow took a drink from the water bottle on her desk. "We were trying to stop the Mayor's ascension, so we broke into his offices to steal this box. I got caught, so Buffy made a deal to exchange me for the box.  When we all showed up at the school for the trade, the Mayor made a big deal out of how Angel would keep Buffy out of the sunlight, and something about 'was this what he returned from hell for'. I don't remember all of his exact words, but I think it shook both Buffy and Angel up.  It wasn't long after that when Angel broke up with Buffy. Right before prom."

"You said she was devastated?"

"Totally devastated. I've never seen her cry like that before or since. But I thought it was for the best. And especially after he. well, did what he did."

"Which was?"

"He fed off her. He was sick, close to dying, when it happened - Faith had poisoned him - but I suppose it was only a matter of time, being that he's a vampire and all. I mean, I think it would be hard to resist after a certain point, particularly when things are, you know, intimate. That or maybe it's a matter of the base impulses simply taking over. If he knew that her blood - slayer blood - was the cure, then... Well, the instinct to survive is ingrained in all of us deeply; vampires would be no different."

"Perhaps," Elise replied noncommittally to the obvious implication that Angel or his demon chose survival at any cost. "You mentioned that you thought their breaking up was for the best. Why's that?"

"For one thing, they couldn't really have a physical relationship." Pausing, Willow shrugged. "I suppose in retrospect they could've, but nobody knew that at the time, or even thought it was possible. And Buffy hadn't really been with anyone else. I guess there was Tyler and Pike when she was at Hemery, but they weren't all that serious."

"I suppose you just know when something or someone is right... you don't need to be with anyone else."

"Maybe," Willow admitted reluctantly. "But too, she didn't think about the limitations that life with a vampire would bring."

"Limitations?"

"I'm sure you've run into them yourself. only going out after dark, no crosses around, no romantic dinners, blood in the fridge."

"I haven't really noticed, but then I haven't been seeing Angel all that long," Elise shrugged dismissively.

"Oh, I thought you guys were... involved." The insinuation in her tone was quite clear.

Elise smiled politely. "We... are uh, seeing each other, but it's still very new."

Willow's returned smile did not quite match her eyes. "I see."

"Given what you've said about their separation being for the best, what did you think when Buffy and Angel got back together a few years ago?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes, please."

Willow looked away as if contemplating her reply. She sighed, turning back to Elise. "I wasn't sure it would work out."

"Because..."

"This is hard to say... and I'd prefer that it not get back to Angel. I mean, I don't want to hurt him after everything that he's already been through."

"I don't plan on sharing the tape with him, Willow. And anything that you tell me - unless I use it in the book - won't be shared with anyone else outside this room. In fact..." Reaching out, Elise picked up the tape recorder that she had set on the desk earlier. She clicked it off. "How's that?"

"Thank you," Willow said with an appreciative nod. "Look, Buffy didn't like living here at Wolfram & Hart in the middle of so much evil, and especially with Angel being the center of it. She loved him, I know, but it was hard for her. And it was hard for her having to share him with so many people."

"Share him?"

"Not share him, like that. I just meant, as head of an organization the size of Wolfram & Hart, there's a constant stream of people - and demons - demanding his attention. He has to take care of business here, which means that he's busy or gone a lot of the time. It wasn't like how it was in Sunnydale where Buffy was the center of his world, and Angel was usually at the mansion, waiting for her. In fact, things here are pretty much reversed."

"Ah."

"There are so many restrictions here too - who she could talk to, where she could go, what she could do. I mean, it's for good reasons mostly, but she was frustrated by it. She couldn't just go out on patrol to burn off energy - which Slayers have a lot of - or even work on a case without getting Angel's approval. Then they couldn't go out together until after sundown unless they took the sewers or one of the cars with the protective glass. She was the typical California girl in that she loved the sun, the beach, tanning, the whole thing... and she couldn't do any of that anymore."

"Are you saying. she was unhappy here?" Elise asked, perplexed.

"At times, I think so, yes."

"Do you think Angel knew that?"

"No, I don't think she ever told him, and I doubt that he noticed. She was trying to make the best of things. It was sort of her nature to feel like she had to do that."  Willow paused. "That, or run away. She did that a couple of times."

Elise considered Willow's statement for a moment. "If you don't mind me asking... it's a very personal decision I know, but why would she bring a child into a situation if she was so unhappy here herself?"

"Angel really wanted a baby. Really wanted one, and she wanted to make him happy. I told you she'd do just about anything for him."

"And Buffy? What did she want?"  

"She wanted a baby too, but I'm not sure she wanted it as much as he did. And the in vitro fertilization process is hard... the daily shots, the doctor's appointments, blood tests, ultrasounds... and that's all before the procedure itself. Angel wasn't always there for all of it. Buffy had to do most of it on her own. Then both times she miscarried Angel was gone, out working on some case or something. He'd breeze back in, buy her flowers, and jewelry as if that would make up for it, and he'd stick around to take care of her for a couple of days, but I don't think he really saw how distraught she really was. If he did, he wouldn't have pushed her to try again and again."

"I understand that she was pregnant when she disappeared."

"Yes. At least, that's what Angel said," Willow returned somewhat sharply. "I know Buffy had a doctor's appointment that day for a check up, but I hadn't seen her for a couple of days."

"You seem angry with Angel." Elise ventured softly.

"No," Willow replied, before repeating with added emphasis, "No, not really. I'm just angry about what happened, I guess.  I mean, I know that they loved each other... it's just... love isn't always enough. Just because you love someone, that doesn't mean you can have everything you want. It doesn't mean that life is all happy hearts and flowers, and you live happily ever after. Sometimes the best people, the most deserving people - don't get the love that they want or deserve. Love isn't something that's fair." 

Noting the bitterness underlying the other woman's diatribe, Elise guided the conversation to a different topic. "You mentioned Buffy ran away."

"Yeah, she ran away for a few months after she thought she had killed Angel, back when we were in high school. And then later she ran away when things got tough just before Sunnydale exploded. Faith ended up having to do a lot of planning and strategy with the girls - the slayers in training - back then."

"I see." Elise chewed her lip thoughtfully. Buffy was young the first time she had run away, and from what Elise remembered reading, suspected of Kendra's murder. That alone was enough incentive to flee, but in addition, Buffy had believed that she had just killed the man she loved. She certainly couldn't fault her for running then.  The second time wasn't something that she had heard anything about. The novelist made a note to check into it further. "Are you suggesting... that is, do you think that Buffy may have run away when she disappeared?"

Willow looked away. Absently she toyed with a stray paperclip that lay on her desk as she seemed to collect her thoughts. Finally she spoke, "I've thought about it a time or two. I mean, when I first heard that Buffy was gone, it's what I thought probably happened. But after all this time. and the fact that no one, not even Giles or Dawn, has ever heard from her. I suppose something must have happened to her." Her voice sounded distant. "I can't imagine what. I guess after Buffy survived so much, including her own death, I just never thought..."  Her voice broke and she trailed off.

"I'm sorry, truly I am." Elise murmured sympathetically. "I'm also sorry to have brought all this up again. I'm sure it must be painful for you." She dropped her tape recorder in her bag. "Why don't I just go now... if you'd like to talk more later - or anytime - please feel free to give me a call."

Willow took a deep breath and tuned back, her expression unreadable. "Did you get what you needed for your book?"

"I think so... at least it's a start. I'm normally a fiction writer, not a biographer, so I tend to embellish the framework of an outline with my own imagination. Though in this case, I do want to be as true to the subject as possible so I'm sure to be doing quite a bit more research."

"Well, if you need anything more, stop by. I'll try to help if I can."

"I will. And Willow... thank you."

Elise found it difficult to concentrate on the Sanskrit passage that Wes had asked her to read, having found what appeared to be one of Buffy's journals in the Wolfram & Hart library just a few hours earlier, shortly after she left Willow's office. She knew it hadn't been there that morning, yesterday or even last week when she had gone on her first quest for Slayer information. Where it had come from and why was quite the mystery.

"Earth to Elise, hello," Wes said, gazing at her intently. "I realize that some of these passages can be quite riveting, but I believe you're read me that last section three times now."

Elise sighed. "I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere."

"Dinner with Angel tonight, perhaps?" Wes suggested, leaning back in his chair.

Elise took note of his interested expression. "No. Yes. I mean, no, that's not what I was thinking of. And actually, I told him I had to reschedule." She smiled sheepishly. "I hope I didn't hurt his feelings, but actually he looked relieved rather than disappointed." Thinking over her statement, she gave a short laugh. "Maybe I shouldn't analyze that too much."

"Angel is... I'm sure he's disappointed. Who wouldn't be when they're missing such delightful company?"

"You're sweet," she replied distractedly.

"Is there something you'd like to talk about?"

Elise studied the former Watcher and rogue demon hunter for a long moment, debating exactly what to tell him before finally deciding on the truth. "What would you say if I told you that I think that I have one of Buffy's journals? That it just... appeared, mysteriously."

He raised his brows, surprised. "What do you mean 'appeared mysteriously'?"

"Well, I combed the library the other day in search of information on Buffy, and on Slayers in general. I pulled every single book that I found, including some that look like Watcher's Journals - which I meant to ask you about, so remind me to do that later. Anyway, when I stopped by there this afternoon, there was a new book in the stack I had set aside - one that I didn't put there - and one that I would swear to you wasn't even in the library before."

"Perhaps you didn't realize you picked it up?"

"No," Elise declared firmly. "Wesley, I'm telling you, this book was not in that library last week. Someone wanted me to find it. it was put in the stack that I had set aside, just under the top book. Slightly hidden, but not enough that I would miss it." 

"I see. Angel would be the only one with access to Buffy's personal things, I would think. Perhaps he."

"I haven't told him that I'm researching her, or anything about the subject of my next book for that matter," Elise interjected in a subdued tone, her expression chagrined.

Wes blinked. "Ah. I will presume that you have your reasons for that."

"I do. I do plan to show him the draft when it's done," Elise answered calmly. "If he doesn't want me to publish it then, I won't. But until then... I didn't want to just keep bringing it up as the topic is obviously very painful for him."

He considered that for a moment. "Very well. Then who does know what you're working on that may have left you the journal?" 

"You, now, Fred and Willow. The most obvious choice would be Willow since I talked to her about Buffy earlier today, but the book had to have been there this morning, before I talked to her so she couldn't have known... and afterwards... it just seems impossible that she could have gotten the book and placed it there without me seeing her, since I went directly from her office to the library. We would have crossed paths. I'd been in the library only twenty minutes or so when I noticed the book." She frowned in concentration. "And Fred... it just seems unlikely. If she had the book I think she would have said so and handed it over rather than sneaking it to me covertly." 

"Perhaps if you're this concerned, you should ask Willow?"

"This is going to sound strange, but I don't want to ask anyone directly about it. If Willow gave it to me, then perhaps she'll mention it next time I see her. And if she doesn't." Elise shrugged, unable to offer a better explanation. Her instincts were prickling, telling her that something unusual was at play - which only served to reinforce her earlier feeling that this was a story that she had to follow through.

Wes stroked his chin contemplatively. "Are you certain it's one of Buffy's journals?"

"No... not absolutely, one hundred percent certain," Elise returned thoughtfully. "But it does have her name in it, and it's definitely feminine hand writing, so who else could it belong to? I haven't read any of it beyond the first page - but plan to remedy that tonight. And in all honesty, Wes, I didn't want to read it here. I slipped it in my bag to take home." She shivered involuntarily and glanced around, as if expecting to find that someone was watching them. "I know you'll probably believe it's silly, but all of my instincts are telling me that something isn't right." 

"It's not silly, it's perfectly understandable. You have the case of a much loved young woman that disappeared suddenly, mysteriously. I would say that there's much about that that isn't 'right'."  Wesley murmured as his eyes met hers directly. There was an obvious sadness in the blue-grey depths, but there was something more as well, something she couldn't quite discern.

"I think that some additional discretion might be in order."  she suggested almost questioningly.

Wes simply inclined his head. "Indeed. Shall we finish the Sanskrit then?"

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