Fanfiction: Here I Am

“It’s all coming in waves,” Angel said miserably as he faced his office window, “They say it comes in threes, Cordy, Fred, and now Buffy.”

“Angel, B’s not—There’s still hope. Red can do a spell, like the one she did with you,” Faith said. Her eyes were wide, she looked worried. A different sort of worried than Spike had seen her look at his place.

“So, she can never know true happiness. So she can have a life like mine,” Angel mumbled.

“As if she could ever be like your sorry ass. Besides, you seem to be doing all right for yourself with the sodding twelve cars and—-“

“And the dying friends!” Angel turned and roared in Spike’s face, “Don’t push me, Spike. Not after you—- She deserves more.” He recoiled back into his mumble.

“Look, we kinda don’t have a lot of options right now. Red said going to Africa and fighting for it was out. B would have to be the one to fight for it and- trust me- she’s not really in a soul-fighting space. So you and B will be two of a kind,” Faith said to Angel’s back . She was rocking back and forth on her feet like she was trying to get Angel to turn around.

“Pffft, Buffy will have more power than he ever dreamed, and she won’t be troubled by having been an evil mass murderer for almost two centuries,” Spike rolled his eyes.

“But, she’s killing now, isn’t she?” Angel asked turning to Faith.

Faith only nodded.

“Why am I ever surprised by your thickness?” Spike scoffed, “Of course she is! She’s a bloody vampire. It’s what we do.”

“Buffy was pure, and now she’s a vampire, and you’re telling me her only chance to get back to who she was is to be cursed—cursed like me,” Angel said.

“Pure,” Spike muttered, “There he goes with that sodding 18th century crap.”

“We all have to lose our purity sometime. Some of us just do it earlier than others. Cursed is better than nothing, Angel. Don’t know if you noticed but being a Slayer and perfect happiness kinda have a whole oil in the water thing going on anyway,” Faith almost smiled.

“Well, maybe if you made at least one good choice in your life you’d know something about being happy, and what do you know about purity?” Angel snapped.

What was this? He was snapping at Faith now. The poor girl looked slapped. Spike knew from the get-go that she was one of Angel’s loyal followers, even though she saved his ass.

“Ey’!” Spike roared, “You owe this girl everything, and now you’re gonna take it out on her because you wish Buffy was here instead of her? You really are a dick.”

“I’m a dick? Really? Because I don’t remember taking an opportunity to get in a Slayer’s pants, while the one I was so stuck on is in desperate need of help!” Angel roared.

“You told him we had sex?” Faith gasped.

“He can smell it. The bloody pervert,” Spike rolled his eyes.

“Angel, I wasn’t trying to hurt B,” Faith pleaded.

“I don’t care about any of that!” Angel spat, “It’s you Faith. You knew Buffy was in trouble and you didn’t tell me right away. I know to expect it from Giles and the others, but not you. You came to my city and hid from me. Instead you went to Spike and decided to have a good time while Buffy falls deeper into hell.”

“Angel, it wasn’t like that. B beat me down and Spike found me. He brought me back and took care of me—”

“I’m sure he did, that was time I could have had people on this. What is wrong with you? …And you,” Angel turned to Spike, “Just when I think there’s one thing you’re good for-loyalty to people you care about- you go off and be you’re old self. Actually, you both did that, didn’t you?”

“Angel, please, it wasn’t like that,” Faith’s voice shook.

“That’s it!” Spike roared. He grabbed Angel by his black button down as he turned into game face.

“I’d say that you we’re going back to your old self, but both you and I know you only have the one!” Spike said as he hit Angel in the face, “It’s just a switch from good to bad with you, but you always keep the bloody hypocrite no matter which side you go to.”

He was surprised, but glad when Angel fell. Spike couldn’t believe he let Angel’s little lecture go as far as it did. He probably did because he expected Faith to know that Angel was going to lash out, and that she would just roll her eyes over it like he was anyone else. But, Angel was never just anyone else to any girl Spike ended up giving a toss about. It was Spike’s curse. Well, at least he could have a good shag.

“Stop it!” Faith pleaded, “Angel.”

She ran over to where the big poof had fell. Bugger, he had finally learned how to take cave man down in one hit, and all he was going to get for it was upset women.

“I’m not the one who’s forgetting who made me what I am!” Angel jumped up and hit Spike back. Spike grabbed Angel to take him down with him.

“You have nothing to do with what I am now,” Spike said as they wrestled on the ground.

“Not me! You dumb-ass! Buffy. She made both of us into good men, well at least me, and now she’s in trouble and you made sure you screwed all the Slayers you could before you came to tell me,” Angel said as he got Spike on the ground.

“Didn’t realize telling you made it all better. Wait a second. Seems it hasn’t. In fact, it just has all seemed to get worse. You’ve seemed to have lost you’re balls for fighting the good fight these days. But, I must admit it did have to take some balls to lecture me on the improper shagging of Slayers, at least I wait until they’re of age,” Spike said as he struggled to get up.

“I’ll show you fighting balls,” Angel roared and began to pound on Spike’s face.

Then Spike felt sudden relief.

“Stop it!” Faith was pushing Angel away when Angel hit her.

Maybe it was because Faith hadn’t healed or because Angel hit her really hard, but she fell hard. So hard it made even Angel stop and realize what a sodding Wanker he was being.

“Faith,” Angel said in his best brooding voice, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she coughed.

Spike realized that Angel had sent the girl across the room. It was pretty bloody far from okay. Spike would like to see Buffy say it was okay after Angel had done that to her. Spike grabbed a brass bookend and smashed Angel in the head with it as he was getting up. He growled.

“Cock-sucking Wanker! Today is the last day you hurt one of my girls,” Spike yelled.

Spike was sure now that he understood it better than ever. There was a light side and a dark side to everyone. Sometimes there were little bits of dark in the light, and sometimes the dark won over the light. Everyone’s darkness and lightness was as different as their fingerprints. The light was the soul. Some people’s darkness was as ineffectual as they were- like Harm. Some people’s soul had been so strong that bits of light had to stick to them even after the soul had been taken, like Drusilla, as mad as she was she still knew something of love. But, some people’s light just wasn’t enough and they were sodding Wankers that hurt girls that love them and they should bloody die! No matter how much the girls wanted him alive.

“Spike, stop!” Faith yelled as Spike held a stake now over his Grand-Sire. He looked over at her to try to explain what he now understood in five words or less. This is when Angel started pummeling him again. Well, this was going to leave a mark.

Faith was trying to stop Angel again. Good girl as she was. She was pleading to him on the edge of tears. Knowing Angel, Spike knew this wasn’t going to work, if anything he’d keep going to see how long it took to make her cry. How many men had Angelus killed in front of their women because it made the woman hurt worse? Helplessness is worse than death. But, Faith wasn’t quite helpless. She grabbed hold of Angel’s arms and held them. If Angel hurt her again he was a chapter in a history book. Spike was going to hit Angel as Faith held him.

“Separate!” he heard a firm little voice say. Spike felt himself go into a guided hurl until he was sitting against the wall.

He looked up and saw a lean slip of a figure. She was wearing shades of purple- light and dark. There was a long dark purple skirt, and a long light purple shirt with a smiling cat on it. Her eyes had gone a bit dark and angry, along with that and her autumn red hair her skin looked a deadly pale.

“Red, it’s good to see you,” Faith smiled now.

Spike saw that Faith was the only person who was standing where she had been. Angel was against the opposite wall.

“Yeah, but you should work on your message leaving skills : ‘Hey, I almost died, and Spike brought me to his place, so now I think our only chance is Angel’s company. Meet me there.’ An address would have been nice,” Red said with her hands on her hips.

“How could you not know where Evil incorporated is?” Faith asked with raised eyebrows.

“I never did business with evil. When I became it that one time I really didn’t need to do business with anyone,” she said.

Red looked like she was about ready to go out of business. Her face looked drawn. The dark circles under her eyes were so bad Spike thought that she had black eyes at first. The bags she had under them didn’t help either. Spike was worried if Red was up to this challenge. Spike didn’t see her new girl with her, the pretty mouthy brunette Slayer. Maybe she thought bringing one of those was enough. But, Spike was confused that instead of Harris tailing behind her she had Harm, Wesley, and the blue bitch.

“So, what’s with all the near-killing? Oh God, did one of them turn evil too? Because, I’m really on the brink here,” Red said wearily.

“No, they are pretty much like this all the time, and they’re good,” Harm told her, “I’m good too. I know, I know. I’m souly challenged, but so is Buffy now, so—-“

“Get out of here before I smash you’re face in,” Red barked at Harm.

Harm opened her mouth to say something, when nothing came to her she closed it and stormed off.

“Hi guys,” Willow smiled weakly, “I hope everyone has their ensoulling decoder rings.”

“Willow, I don’t understand,” Wesley said.

“Um, that was just a joke. I’m trying to lighten the misery, I guess,” Red said.

“No,” Wesley said, “Why can’t you just do the spell and give Buffy her soul back? Why do we have to capture her?”

That was a good question. Percy had his uses, though Spike was sure Red thought of that.

“Um..” Red said shakily.

“Tried that. It was a bust,” Faith said as she played with some things on Angel’s desk.

“Great,” Angel muttered.

Spike felt again as he had when he first thought Buffy was dead again.

“But, there’s no reason to lose hope. I figure if I get her closer to me, it has a better chance of working,” Red said.

“We’re talking about an ensouling spell and a vampire Slayer vampire, not a mobile phone and a receptacle tower. Maybe this can’t be done,” Spike said.

“You shut your fat mouth!” Red snapped.

“I know you’re not talkin’ about killing B,” Faith said fiercely.

“Bloody Hell!” Spike gasped, “Of course not. We can just work with her the way she is. Get her, take her in, use some of that Wolfram and Hart technology to make it so she can’t kill…But, no bloody chips in her head! Nothing painful.”

“I knew coming here was a mistake,” Red shook her head.

“Spike, you don’t know,” Faith said.

“That is the most idiotic plan I’ve ever heard, and I’ve spent a lot of time with Harmony lately,” Wesley said.

“Harmony!” Red beamed suddenly, “You guys were able to take in and control Harmony. She’ s pretty much the same person she was before with a small blood-lust problem, maybe.”

“Right,” Spike smiled, “and who doesn’t have that.”

“Sure,” Red’s tired face stretched into a smile.

“Were you guys calling me?” Harmony asked.

“Go away,” Red ordered.

“You’re all insane. That vampire isn’t Buffy, and knowing her I highly doubt that she will be able to be controlled without a soul,” Wesley said.

“Since when do you know Buffy? And you can’t have it both ways, if she isn’t herself at all as a vampire how do you know she can’t be controlled,” Spike demanded.

“She’s a Slayer that’s been turned into a vampire. It’s happened before and—- There’s too much demon in her now. I am sorry,” Wesley said.

“We have to get her soul back, Red,” Faith said quietly.

“I do not understand. This Slayer, she is a warrior—like her,” IIlyria gestured to Faith, “and now she has become a half-breed, like them. This will make her a more impressive fighter. This should be pleasing, since this…Slayer here seems to look injured.”

“It’s complex,” Wesley answered IIlyria, “When a human becomes a vampire who they were ceases to be. Their soul is gone.”

“This is what happened when the old Qwa’ha Xahan chose this shell for me. The shell—Fred—her soul was destroyed,” IIlyria said. Spike actually saw her icy eyes blink. He didn’t think they did.

“Great, just what we needed, questions from the anorexic 7 of 9. B’s soul wasn’t destroyed by some Borg bitch. We can still get it,” Faith grumbled.

“And if it takes time we’ll just keep watch on her here. She’ll be a hell of a lot more knowledgeable and fun than Percy’s toy,” Spike said.

“IIlyria isn’t evil,” Wesley said.

“Right, she just killed Fred and wanted to raise an army of doom. She’s a real great date,” Spike said.

“How can these things be happening? The Hellmouth is gone. I made a whole army of Slayers. We were finally clear and free. We had the final battle. It was supposed to be over,” Red said lowly.

“Our time is never up, Red. But, we can have drinking breaks, and I’m takin’ one now,” Faith said.

“You’re leaving! How can you do that? How can you just leave?” Red gasped.

“Angel did,” Faith sighed.

Spike looked and realized Angel was gone, and he was pretty sure he wasn’t off trying to save the day.

“W-where did he go?” Red asked.

“Off to brood. Look Red, we can’t do anymore tonight. Let Peaches have his time, and we’ll start thinking about how to hook our girl. Why don’t you try to get some sleep? Rest your magic aura or some such,” Spike said, “As for me that drinking break sounds brilliant.”

“Sorry, Brit. I kinda want to do this one solo,” Faith shrugged.

“Why? You’re not still sore I was gonna off your great hero that belted you across the room, are you?” Spike demanded.

“No,” Faith rolled her eyes, “I’m still depressed that your Ex has been turned into a vampire that kicked my ass across the valley.”

“Fair enough,” Spike nodded, “But, it’ll be all right, you’ll see. Buffy always comes out on top…except when she came back wrong, but this won’t be like that.”

Spike found himself going straight home again. He really didn’t feel like killing vampires for some reason. He thought of going drinking and going to that titty bar and saying “hi” to Sunshine, but he didn’t. He wished Faith hadn’t wanted to be alone. He had a lot of thoughts to suss out. He was sort of feeling up about the whole situation, as odd as that sounded. Sure, they weren’t able to save Fred, and Wes had that creepy ice queen around because she remembered Fred’s life. But, they would be able to get Buffy back. Spike even thought that now that Buffy had experienced darkness maybe, just maybe, she could really see Spike, and believe that he loved her. He knew that was a bit of a long shot, but it was possible.

First, he would have to work on a lot of things. Spike really wished that Fred was still alive, if anyone could find a way to give Buffy a soul, she would have. Now they’d have to rely on the brains of Red. He would have to make sure Red didn’t give up. She was a bint whose emotions over-took her, and she could easily slide down the slope. He would have to make sure Faith didn’t get herself killed, but he knew he wouldn’t have to worry about her giving up. Angel could brood away, as long as the rest of them had his money to work with. Spike was pretty sure the minute he saw Buffy, Angel would come around. Then he would start barking out orders, and the whole sodding corporation would work on Buffy.

Spike was on the third level of Zelda when his phone rang. He recognized the number on his mobile as Wolfram and Hart. Angel, coming around already.

“Lemme guess, you’ve come out of your sad little catatonic state and now you want us to run around and do everything you say,” Spike said slyly.

“That’s totally it. How did you know? You always knew what I wanted even before I did. You’re like a mind reader. It would be cool, if it wasn’t so completely annoying,” she said.

“Buffy!” Spike exclaimed standing up as if she entered the room. His stomach trembled with excitement. His eyes widened with surprise. He was pretty sure he had a semi-stiffer.

“Here I am, Spike,” she said. He could hear her smile over the phone.

“So, how ya been?” he smirked.

“Dead…again and great. You?” she asked.

“Same as you, only not as great without you,” he said.

“Hey, that kinda sounds like a guy that would bother to tell me he was alive,” she said airily.

“I knew you were going to say something like that, but you want to know why I didn’t?” Spike asked bitterly now,

“You’ve got all your desires out runnin’ free, and where’s the first place you run? To him! But, it’s gonna turn on you now.”

“It is. Is it?” She asked coyly, “Like your brilliant idea to keep me in this building and feed me otter blood until what? I suddenly want my loser soul back? Really lame, that was your idea, right? Angel would never make me do that. He knows how bad I am at working a day job. You—you think of me as that fast food working loser.”

“You know that’s not true, love. You were too good for that job and you are certainly much too good for Wolfram and bloody Hart. You don’t have to stay there if you don’t want to,” Spike closed his eyes.

“Damn straight,” Buffy laughed, “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to anymore, do I? “

“No, I suppose you don’t,” Spike answered, “But, the girl I know would want her soul back eventually, after you just get some time—”

“Only a loser would want that lame thing back. Spikey, I know you know how good it feels to be so free, have such power, don’t you miss it?”

“I miss you,” he said. He felt like he just realized he lost a limb after he’d been feeling the phantom leg. She was Buffy. She had sounded exactly like the girl he knew before until he brought up the pesky matter of her soul.

“Aw, I’m touched. But, is it me or the messed up loser you miss? It’s such a fine line with you. Would you take me out of here? We can go away together. You and me, Spike. No more hiding like that lame soul made me do. You and me with all the power and the world at our feet. Of course, we’d have to do a little make-over madness and remove that soul. They are so not in this year,” she said.

“What about Angel? Not getting the spark without the soul?” he asked, then his eyes went wide, “You didn’t kill the poof did you?”

“No, that would be too nice. Let him be a slave to corporate life, since he picked it. Even when I had a soul I couldn’t deny he was deciding to destroy himself in a half assed way. I’m so over doing stuff half-way, ya know?”

“What about Drac? You seemed to really fancy him giving him a second chance and all,” Spike asked.

“Please, do we have to talk about that loser?” she laughed, “So, I went through a little cheesy Goth phase. You’re the one still into punk.”

Spike smiled wide, but then he frowned.

“What went wonky this time, Buffy? Why weren’t you able to fight that Magic hack off?”

Buffy groaned, “You sound like Willow with the `why, why whys’ What? Do you guys want some story about how poor little Buffy, the leader of an Empire of Slayers felt more lonely and lost than ever before? How with her real friends scattered around the world and her lovers gone and her bitchy little sister finally grown she didn’t know who she was? So, in enter Mr. Dark and Sexy and she couldn’t fight him this time.”

“Buffy, I’m sorry, love. You seemed—I mean, I thought—”

Buffy burst out laughing. “Oh man, you have totally lost your sense of humor. It wasn’t like that, Spike! See, that’s your problem you have to read so much into everything. The truth: Lame-ass came into my room, just like he did before. He was going crazy with the thrall, just like before, and he bit me, just like before. Only this time he knew not to stop. He took me right there. He already has his foreplay those years before.”

Spike was silent.

“Life is bloody chaos,” She said in a fake English accent, “There is no ‘why.’ Wanna join the party and come to get me? I have a present for you.”

“I’m already almost there, love,” he said.

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