Disclaimer:I don't own Nikita, or Michael, or anyone from the Nikita-verse. All that good stuff is owned by the USA network and probably some other people none of whom are me.
This is from Michael's point of view.
You look at me, betrayal written in your big blue eyes. Pain, hurt that I have caused. But what can I do? I try to explain to you that it was not something I wished to do. There are two parts of me. There is the exterior. The Michael that does as the section wishes. This side of me feels nothing. I am numb as I do whatever it is they ask of me.
But there is another part of me that no one sees. A human part. The inner me that I guard with my icy exterior, feels everything. Every hurt I cause, every jagged piece of glass that tears me heart when I see you with him. I feel it all and I bleed. But no one sees. And I cannot explain.
And you hate me. This woman that I love with every part of me that still feels. This woman that consumes my every thought. Because you do not understand and I cannot explain.
I try to tell you with my eyes. My criptic words mean nothing. It is in the *blank stare* as you call it, that I try to convey my meaning. It shocks me, in a way, that you do not see. Because I feel it so intensely. It seems to me that everyone must hear my secret thoughts, hear my heart pound louder as you draw near. My thoughts echo so loudly in my head it is almost unbelievable to me that you do not hear them.
With each look I try to convey my love for you...and my apology. Because I am so sorry. You will never know how sorry I am for every amount of pain I have caused you in the name of the section. Oh God Nikita. If only things were different. If only we were free. I would take you in my arms and say the words that my heart sings to you out loud. *I love you, with every part of me that is not dead. I love you.*
Do you even know how much I care? Do you realize how much it hurts me when you turn your back to me? Do you know how hard I had to work to keep myself from running to Jurgen's house when I heard you on the wire? I would have ripped his throat out then. I would have killed him for daring to touch your body the way I did. To kiss you. For daring to love you.
But I stopped myself with the painful thought that it was his hands you wanted, his lips, his love. I can't blame you. I know how many times I have betrayed you. But it was never a willing betrayal.
And every time I tried to tell you with my eyes that if I could have it any other way, I would. If I had a choice, I would choose you. I apologize every time with my eyes, and my heart bleeds. The other side of me that I never show to anyone but you, bleeds. But you do not see, because I can only show you with my eyes. And it is not enough.
And it will never be enough. And I cannot do anything more.
I try to let you go. To lock the emotions away. To deny the part of me that feels. But when I see you, when I think of you I lose the icy control I have worked so hard to create. When you are with me, I am driven insane from being so close to you and yet unable to reach out and take your hand. And when I am away from you, it drives me insane for I need to have you near.
I miss you when you're away from me. Even for a minute. But when you are close I see the hatred in your eyes, the mistrust. I cannot blame you. I have betrayed you. I have given you more than enough reason to mistrust me.
I'm a horrible person. I know that. I was actually happy that Jurgen died. Because I could not bear the thought of you in his arms. I could not bear it. But if I could have saved him I would have, because I would never willingly cause you pain. Never.
You must believe me.
But you do not see. You think only of what is spoken. And he could say what I cannot. But I feel it all. And I try to tell you. Maybe one day you will understand.
end