Quotes

"The Trial"

Written by: Tim Minear
Quote List compiled by: MBNielsen9

Cordelia: He's been in that cellar a loooong time.
Wesley: I keep hearing a "chucka chucka" sound. What's he doing down there?
Cordelia: How should I know? He barely says good morning and get me a glass of blood anymore.

Wesley: I know. He's just so distraught about --
Cordelia: Don't say Darla. I am sick and tired of hearing about Darla. If I hear the name Darla one more time...And he's not distraught, he's obsessed! And I thought you were going to be a man and talk to him about this.
Wesley: I was a man. I said...things.
Cordelia: Like what?
Wesley: Like...did he prefer milk or sugar in his tea. It's how men talk about things in England.

Angel: Mmmm, don't you love it when they're still warm from the dryer? Wrinkle-free. Yeah, right, after you iron it for 15 minutes.

Wesley: It's good to see you taking a domestic tack.
Cordelia: Yeah, you seem all calm and homey. Are you on drugs?

Angel: I know I've caused you a lot of grief about this whole Darla situation. I apologize. Darla may never need my help. All I can do is be there for her if, and when, she comes around. But I can't do it for her. And I know that now.
Wesley: We had tea.

Angel: In the meantime there's nothing I can do but let go.
Gunn: I found Darla! Wasn't easy. But you said keep lookin' and my wide-ranging knowledge of L.A.'s low rent motels finally paid off.
Cordelia: You lied to us!
Angel: I did; I know.
Wesley: Why?
Angel: I figured you'd nag.

Gunn: What do you think they'll do if they find her?
Angel: Let's get there first and not find out.

Cordelia: Listen up, Mister, if you expect us to go with you on some wild goose chase then guess again! We're not going to enable you in your addiction!
Wesley: Didn't we learn anything from the tea?!

Darla: It wasn't my will to be here in the first place. I never asked for this life.
Holland: No. No one ever does. God doesn't give us a say in these matters.
Darla: God wasn't the one who brought me back.

Gunn: She ain't here, bro.
Angel: No. But she was. And not long ago. Scent's still fresh. Lot of fear.
Gunn: Don't envy that particular talent. Not based on what I'm gettin' with just my standard issue human smeller. Man. Not even for free cable TV, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Angelus: I hate the French. We should go someplace like Romania.
Darla: In Italy you said we should go someplace like France.
Angelus: At least in Romania, they really know how to treat a creature of the night.
Darla: You were craving rich food. That's what you said -- something French.

Angelus: It's this man Holtz. How does he keep finding us?
Darla: We stay in the best hotels. Order room service. Eat the waiters. People talk.
Angelus: Holtz's no mere mortal, I'll tell you that.

Shemp Vampire: You know, when I was a human, I didn't have much luck with the women. Darla: Hard to believe. Shemp Vampire: Had kind of a skin condition. But now, something about the teeth, I guess. Chicks go crazy for it.
Darla: You've got girlfriends everywhere, I imagine.
Shemp Vampire: Well, mostly I just kill 'em. Dump the bodies.

Shemp Vampire: We're a lonely sort, we creatures of the night. Doomed to walk the earth, that kinda deal.
Darla: How long have you been...
Shemp Vampire: An eternal child of darkness? Since, uh, '92.
Darla: Nineteen ninety two?
Shemp Vampire: Hard to believe it's already "last century."
Darla: Well, isn't it true that some vampires choose a mortal -- someone they can sire, someone who too can walk those lonely nights, hunting with them...feeding with them...joining with them...
Shemp Vampire: Ha! No. That'd be weird.
Darla: "Weird?!" It's mythic!
Shemp Vampire: No, you been readin' too much Anne Rice, lady. You got no idea how this thing works.

Shemp Vampire: Oh, what? You want me to make you?
Darla: Why do you think I came into this bar? For the snacks?
Shemp Vampire: Sweetheart, in this bar you are the snacks.

Shemp Vampire: You're serious about this? So, what? I make you and then you'd be like my immortal babe?

Darla: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Angel: Saving you.
Darla: I wasn't in any danger, Angelus! Believe me. I picked a stupid one. I always pick the stupid ones! Didn't you know that?

Angel: If you do this thing, I won't be able to leave you alone. Don't you get that? I'll never be able to leave you alone. Next time, it'll be you on the end of this stake. I'm sorry, but I don't want that. Not again.
Darla: Don't worry, I wouldn't let it happen twice.

Darla: Just because we had a thing for 150 years, don't presume you know me.

Cordelia: You're, uh, planning on sleeping over?
Darla: I'm dying.
Cordelia: So, just for the one night, then.

Wesley: (re: W&H) They can't really be trusted.
Darla: I don't trust them. But I know a thing or two about mind games. (To Angel) And so do you. We played them together for over a century.
Cordelia: Yes, but you were just souless bloodsucking demons. They're lawyers.
Angel: She's right. We were amateurs.

Angel: You guys just watch over her for awhile? I'll be back soon.
Wesley: Of course.
Cordelia: Don't worry about a thing.
Darla: You can't force me to stay here.
Angel: You're not a prisoner.

Cordelia: So, first up: You're a prisoner.
Wesley: I would have to concur with that, yes.
Cordelia: See, you've got our friend all in knots.
Wesley: Can't say we like you much.
Cordelia: So. Sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you.
Wesley: On the head.
Cordelia: With very large and heavy objects, 'kay?

Angel: I might not be able to come in, Lindsey, but --
Lindsey: Wipe your feet.
Angel: What?
Lindsey: Wipe your feet; you can come in.

Lindsey: Does it really look like you need to throttle me for information?
Angel: Need to?

Lindsey: Looks like our Darla was a working girl in the New World. Syphilis is what she was dying from when she was human. Now she's human again. Kind of picking up where she left off. Of course, today something like that could be cleared up with a few antibiotics -- if you catch it soon enough. We're about a month and, what?, 400 years too late?

Angel: Look at you. A few short months with her and you've gone all schoolboy. I was with her for 150 years.
Lindsey: But you never loved her.
Angel: I wasn't capable of it. And neither are you.
Lindsey: Maybe not. But I'd save her if I could. You can...and you won't.

Angel: If I were to do it, if I turned her, how long do you think before she hunted you down and had you for breakfast? Gotta say, I mean, that thought alone almost makes it worth it.

Host: Ooooh.
Angel: What is that? What does that mean, "Ooooh"?
Host: It means: Ooooh, Ground Control to Major Tom, we may not be able to save this bird.

Host: I sense pain and anger -- you still testy from last time?
Angel: When you sent me to that swami who was dead and his imposter tried to kill me? Why would I be testy about that?
Host: That was painful. I'm still reeling.
Angel: Yeah, I feel your pain -- what with him trying to kill me and all.
Host: People try to kill you every day. I'm talking about Ramon. Overheard us? Betrayed me? Man was a world class bartender. He made a Sea Breeze that took you to Tahiti. He's off the menu now.

Angel: Aren't you supposed to be reading her?
Host: I'm a channel surfer.

Host: Look, you're a big hunk of hero sandwich, you want to save the girl, and I can see why. But you're missing the crucial point here: things fall apart, not everything can be put back together, no matter how much you want it.

Host: I know I'm probably going to regret this. In fact, being prescient, I'm actually sure of it...

Host: All right, big fella, you asked for it. You're about to face the hell and the high water.
Darla: I don't think this is right.
Angel: He said I had to take the plunge.
Darla: Into an empty pool?
Angel: Sure, 'cause if you had water you get all wet and miss out on all the skull crushing.

Darla: Maybe he meant another pool.
Angel: Something in a koi pond; they're very Zen.

Angel: I'm either coming back with a cure or you're about to see something kinda funny.

Angel: What happens if I don't complete the trials?
Valet: She dies instantly. In the meantime, Darla, you can relax with an iced beverage in our antechamber.

Angel: I'm thinking you've seen this play before. Give me something I can work with.
Valet: I've never given information to a challenger before.
Angel: How may of 'em asked?

Valet: Well, in theory, the first test is child's play. Once that gate opens all you have to do is walk through it.
Angel: That's it? What's the catch?
Valet: Yes, well, that would be telling.

Valet: Seventeen seconds. Already twice the time most others have lasted.

Darla: This how a guy like you gets his rocks off?
Valet: I have no feelings about this contest one way or another, Miss. Do you?

Valet: My apologies for any discomfort this may be causing. I really can't imagine the pain.
Angel: How about we switch places, and you won't have to?

Valet: Pity, I'm beginning to like you.
Angel: Spare me.
Valet: I'd very much like to. Do you mind if I ask you a question? Isn't the world better with you in it? You can save so many people. It seems she can barely save herself.

Valet: Congratulations. You've passed the third test. By accepting death. I'm told no one's ever gone that far before, in terms of sacrifice. Kudos.

Valet: You're a lucky woman. And you'll soon have your whole life ahead. Use it wisely.
Angel: Hey. Jeeves. Unless the fortune cookie crap's some new kind of torture, what do you say we just get on with it?

Angel: I'm not gonna leave you. Every moment you have left, I'm gonna be by your side. You'll never have to be alone again.

Lindsey: How did you think this would end?

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