Tara flipped idly through her mother's Book of Shadows. She really should have found a spell by now, they had been traveling for more than a week. But the truth was she didn't want to. She didn't want Spike to go back to Drusilla; she didn't want him to leave her.
Spike had a thousand and one stories and she'd heard quite a few in the last ten days. He carefully skirted around the bloodshed and they were very entertaining. But the picture Spike painted of his former paramour was not a nice one, no matter how hard he tried to make it so. To Tara she seemed fickle and horribly unloving, not at all someone that Spike should be with. She thought he deserved better.
And she really didn't want to be alone. She wanted him with her, doing what they had been doing for the past week. They traveled and stopped and saw the sights, did things Tara had always wanted to do and never knew she wanted until she was doing them. They ate fabulous food. Tara had never had smoked salmon and cream cheese on a bagel before and now she couldn't get enough of it.
Tara had never left Mississippi before meeting Spike and in the past while she'd seen more of the world than she thought she ever would.
So Tara hadn't looked very hard for a spell. But then, Spike hadn't mentioned it at all since that first night. Part of her was worried what she'd say when he did ask. He was bound to, after all. That was the whole reason they were together in the first place.
But each morning, she flipped through the book and cast it aside in favour of sleep within minutes. And Spike never said a word.
* * *
Spike watched Tara in slumber and picked the book up from the carpeted floor. He fought the mad urge to cast it away. He didn't know why he felt a bit sick whenever he thought of her finishing the task he'd set. He was supposed to want Dru back with everything in him. She was his sire, the love of his unlife.
But when he thought of being with her, of ignoring all her infidelities and often-vicious treatment of him and keeping quiet when he felt like screaming, it all seemed like another person's existence. He didn't want it.
He didn't want to chase after her and take care of her with devotion that was never returned. Whenever he thought of her treatment of him a year before when he'd been wheelchair bound he could barely contain his anger and tears.
Maybe he was better off alone.
No. Not alone.
He glanced over at the sleeping girl and felt a rush of warmth. He wouldn't be alone if he could convince her to stay with him. He'd do whatever she wanted. He'd done that with Dru for more than a century and Tara's wants couldn't compare with Dru's.
He doubted very much that Tara would ever ask him for the Slayer's head on a platter.
Or the hearts of seven virgins killed on All Saints' Day arranged on white lace.
It would be easy to devote himself to Tara. He was already caring for her despite his demon's best denials that he should do so. If he could only convince her to stay, he'd find her a pretty girl to love the way she wanted. He'd buy her a big house with a garden for her to plant all those herbs she was so interested in.
Spike knew he would not live long in this world if he did not have a purpose, did not have someone to keep him going. He was not a lone wolf, he needed a pack to function. Even if it were just a pack of two.
But why would she want to stay with him? Even after a century of complete loyalty, Dru had left him for the arms of a chaos demon. After winning fight after fight and bringing home meal after meal, Angelus had never spared him a kind word and had always treated him like so much gutter trash. He'd always been treated like a loser, even when he won.
When he was alive he'd hated himself even more then everyone else did. No matter how hard he's worked to remake himself that had never changed. So why exactly would this sweet girl want to waste her life with him?
She was the only one he'd ever met who made him want to be a man. He didn't want her to see him as a monster. But, he knew no matter how hard he was willing to try he couldn't release the hold the demon had on him. He would always be a vampire.
It all seemed very hopeless.
But Spike had gotten into a habit that past week. Whenever he watched Tara lost in slumber, he felt like the world could be made better. He felt like her very existence proved that not everything was an utter wasteland. He felt that a world that had Tara in it must be a place worth saving.
The last ten days had remade the world for Spike as he got to view it through Tara's eyes. New Orleans had never been more beautiful, food had never tasted so good and jazz had never sounded so sweet.
If he could be better for her, if he could change himself enough, maybe he could convince her he was worth something.
These thoughts followed him into sleep and he dreamed of blonde girls dancing on ribbons of moonlight.
* * *
“I don't want you to do any spell.” Spike said suddenly, startling Tara from her contemplation of the wind from the open car window moving her hand back and forth.
“What?” Tara had noticed in the past few days that her stuttering in Spike's presence had all but disappeared.
“It wouldn't be real anyway. She'll never love me.”
The sentence sounded quite bleak and Tara felt tears prick her eyes at how desolate he seemed, “Maybe not. But maybe she never deserved you in the first place.”
Spike's head snapped to her direction and quickly back to the road. No one had ever made it seem like he was anything to deserve. Unless it was a punishment of some sort. His silent heart swelled and he wished for the thousandth time that she would stay with him.
“So do you want me to leave then?” Tara asked softly, feeling not very content all of a sudden.
“NO!” Spike burst out before he could help himself.
Tara couldn't help the smile that followed the bubble of happiness in her chest, “O.K, then.”
“O.K.” He agreed.
After a few minutes, Tara spoke up again, “I have a few stipulations, though.”
“Name them.” Spike smiled.
“Well, the 'no-eating-people' is kind of a given.”
“I've gotten used to it.” Spike fiddled with the air-conditioner to ease his nervousness.
“We're cleaning out the car at the next motel.”
“I guess it's past time.”
Tara took a deep breath, “And you can never leave me.”
Spike turned to look at her and vowed quietly, “Never.”
And she knew he meant it with everything that he was.
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