Tara walked purposefully into the kitchen and snapped the locks on that door as well. She leaned against it for a few minutes to compose herself.
She hadn't meant for it all to come out like that, but meeting someone who had hurt Spike so much had stirred the pot of mixed and twisted feelings. And her anger at Buffy for what she was trying to do just put the whole lot into the blender.
She filled the kettle and put it on. Soothed by the familiar activity she popped two chamomile tea bags into mugs and waited for the whistle. Once the tea was ready, she added milk and honey to both and carefully carried them upstairs.
She entered Spike's room without knocking. Neither of them ever knocked unless there was the possibility of the other not being alone. A year and a half of close quarters had made them both quite used to the others form. Tara would rather die before being seen naked in front of anyone else save Willow, but with Spike it felt as comfortable as being clothed.
He was curled up in the dark and she quietly lit a few candles with a soft, 'Illuminae'.
He turned to her and Tara felt a fresh rush of anger at Buffy when she saw his tear-streaked face. She put the tea down on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. Brushing the newer tears away she took a deep breath, I let a few things slip that I really didn't mean to.
I know, love, I heard. He gestured to the open window. Tara smiled softly, I'll definitely need to have a long talk with Willow soon. Will you be there for me?
As if you even need to ask. Spike snorted good-naturedly.
So I think I understand what Buffy was trying to accomplish. I don't think I need a play by play. She hurt you. While that's enough to make me want to curse her, her entire family, and all future generations with some horribly disfiguring and painful disease, I don't think she really meant to. Tara lay down next to him and pulled him into her arms.
I know, she just doesn't understand. I never wanted her to have to understand. I think I love her, but I don't think she'll ever love me back. I think coming here was a bad idea. Spike's voice was still shaky but his words were clear.
If you need us to leave, we'll go. It will be hard leaving Willow, but I'm never leaving you or letting you go off without me. If this is what you want, tell me now before I fall any harder. Tara hugged him a little tighter.
No, I won't make you leave Red, she's good for you. You're doing well here, it wouldn't be fair. Spike nuzzled his face in her coconut-scented hair, I don't think I can leave Buffy, so help me. I think she's gotten into my blood. But she doesn't believe in me. And you can't love someone you don't believe in, not really, not for the long-haul anyway.
Tara could tell this had been a difficult realization to reach, I never should have nudged her. I should have realized she wasn't the one for you. I'm sorry I supported this.
It's not your fault, pet, it's mine. I keep falling for women that belong to that sister-raping bastard whether they know it or not. I just wish I could figure out what makes him so worthy of all that attention when I get kicked to the curb. I was never a fraction as bad as he was. Never was much for killing children, except the Annoying One of course, he did loads of that and so did Dru. Never was one for rape and that was his too. Don't think I've ever driven anyone mad.
Tara reached up and stroked his hair soothingly, They don't see you. I love you more than anyone ever has or will and I promise I think you're worthy. We don't need them, Spike. We can get on by ourselves if we have to.
But you deserve more. You deserve Red. I can get by, don't fash about me.
I do, though. I worry about you and when someone hurts you I just want to do something to them that's so awful I haven't even thought of it yet and I could only come up with it in the height of my rage. Tara smiled when she heard Spike chuckle, I knew I could get a laugh.
Spike shook his head, I don't deserve you, love.
Yes you do. Tara affirmed reaching over him for her cup of tea, Now drink your tea and lets get some sleep.
* * *
Buffy sat in a very familiar tree out side the window, she'd been hoping to catch Spike alone, but he never seemed to be.
She'd eavesdropped unashamedly through the entire conversation and at several points wanted to shout things out.
I do so believe in you. I was being stupid and Angel does that to me. He makes me stupid. My I.Q drops like twenty points when he enters the city limits. Ask anybody. I see you, I do. I do so love you- I mean I could so love you! No don't leave! Please don't leave me because I need you! I do not belong to Angel! I mean it, not a little bit and not at all. God, why can't Tara hurry up so I can go tell you these things! Please forgive me. What? Sleep? NO! Stay awake! Tara, go downstairs and let me talk to Spike. No, don't put out the candles, don't-
But Buffy's fretting did no good. Tara and Spike curled up together in a comforting embrace and soon drifted off.
Buffy watched them sleep and had a good think.
She thought about Spike mostly. About how intimately she knew his body and how beautiful it was. But he was fragile too. His wrists and ankles had an almost feminine delicacy to them. He was so lean that she could count his ribs with her fingers when she held him and almost all the vertebrae in his back was visible when he bent over. His skin was even more sensitive than hers and it healed quickly but bruised easily.
She thought about his body, because she thought about all the horrible things Angelus must have done to it.
The word 'rapist' kept smacking her in the face over and over.
She thought of Spike's gorgeous rear end. She had never been brave enough to delve into the crease in it, but she imagined what Angelus had done and shuddered.
She thought about how me must have felt and all the terrible things that she had said. God, did I really say that Angel was more of a man? She hadn't said that in so many words, but her meaning had been clear. She felt sickened with herself and knew that she would get no peace until she and Spike were all right.
If they could even be all right and if he would ever forgive her.
She took heart from what he'd said about being in love with her. He hadn't said 'was' and he'd used the present tense so maybe there was still hope.
She sat outside her lover's window impatiently waiting for an opportunity.
* * *
Angel made his way across town at a rapid pace. Buffy was going to earn some things about him that he'd rather she not know.
How could he have ever thought Spike could forgive him for the past? What he'd done just two and a half years ago when the younger vampire had been in the wheelchair alone was enough to count as totally unforgivable, let alone the twenty odd years they'd been together in the century before.
He was damned for what he had done to Spike just as he was damned for what he had done to all those innocents he'd slaughtered. Perhaps even more so because it had all been so degrading and personal.
Angel was in Restfield where he'd met up with Buffy earlier that evening, when the taser clips hit him in the back.
* * *
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