A/N Finally the next chapter. Sorry it took so very, very long to update, but first RL as always was getting in the way, then I tried to slice my thumb in half all the way to the bone and had to have four stitches, which made for no typing skills and lots of pain, and last during the thumb healing I had the worst allergy attack ever that covered me in hives from head to toe and left my face swollen up. YEAH IT’S BEEN A BAD MONTH. LOL The journal entry this time will be in italics so that I can have Angel’s reaction to what he is reading throughout it. Word count 4322.
I love my betas! I wish you all could know how wonderful they truly are.
Fallen Angel
Excerpts from the journal of Buffy Summers
1/07/03
I’ve been sitting here wide awake for the past hour, unable to sleep after the thrill of kicking ancient vamp butt and getting Spike back. I’m filled with relief and for the first time since he was taken, I can breathe. Knowing I’ll see that infuriating smirk and have to listen to his annoyingly perceptive insights is comforting in a strange sorta way.
For days I was scared I wouldn’t be able to defeat the ubervamp and get him back. Really, after that smack down, I should be sleeping like the dead, but here I sit thinking of the differences between the two men who have influenced my life so much.
The relief I felt finding Spike un-dusty made me realize I’d had the same exact reaction when I knew Angel had survived being poisoned. These thoughts started a chain reaction and here I sit writing about my first love.
I guess I’ll start with the fairytale romance of a teenage girl. I think every one of us believes the first time we feel love that it’ll be forever, and that our future only holds happiness in his arms. When we’re young and dumb with no experience or wisdom to work with, we tend to have a huge blind spot when it comes to men. Doesn’t matter if they’re human, vampire, or whatever. I have to admit that for me, the blind spot turned into denial.
Angel was my dark, mysterious knight when he first carved out a place in my heart soon after I moved to Sunnydale. Giving me that cross the first time I met him and being all secretive. Yeah, that got the girlie hormones revving right from the start. Popping up to warn me of looming evil worked in his favor for a while, and by the time I found out what he was, I was totally drowning in first love giddiness.
Looking back on everything and reading my old diaries, I’ve come to realize a few things; one of those being the fact that I was a complete idiot when I was younger. If it was me watching Dawn go through this type of relationship, I would have dusted the vamp at the beginning. Hell, even if he was a human, I’d have kicked his ass and made sure he thought twice about coming around again.
The first few times I met Angel should’ve clued me into the fact that he wasn’t Joe Normal. For starters, he gave me the heads up about the Harvest in a very obscure way. When he showed up at the crypt where I was trying to find Jesse, he told me he couldn’t go down there because he was scared. I thought he was human at the time, so I shrugged it off thinking it was way better for him to stay behind. I mean, he was only human, right? Um, that would be a ‘no’. He could have probably done just as much- if not more- damage to his ‘family’ than I could have.
Seriously, what kind of human male knows the things he did? The clues were there smacking me in the face all the time, I just ignored them.
I cut him a lot of slack in the beginning because I didn’t know what he was. I might not have known he was a powerful vampire at the time, but he could have let me in on that little secret and actually watched my back instead of letting me wander around in those dank tunnels alone. Oh, but wait, I wasn’t alone. Xander followed me down there to save his best friend. A young boy with no supernatural ability had enough balls to follow me to find his friend, but a master vamp who was all with the knowledge about this particular group of nasties, stayed behind. He was sent by the Powers That Be to help me, for pete’s sake! I guess his idea of helping was vague, mumble-y warnings.
What teenaged girl can resist the mysterious older man? Not me, that’s for sure. Finding out he was a vampire didn’t deter me one bit. I still thought about him constantly. I spent half my day dreaming about the hottie who wanted to help. In my mind, he was everything I wanted, even though I had no clue what or who he really was. I mean, seriously, the guy never told me anything about himself. He just gave me cryptic warnings of impending doom and looked at me with puppy dog eyes.
In spite of his tendency to show up out of nowhere and inform me that there was big evil brewing, when it came down to actually fighting said evil, it was done by me, my watcher, and a couple of high school kids. There was no romance-novel-hero-swooping-in-at-the-last-moment to save the day from my mystery man.
Why was I so hung up on him again?
Duh, I was a love struck girl who wanted nothing more than to have said guy look my way or tell me I was pretty, maybe even kiss me. All he wanted to talk about was ‘work’ and why I wasn’t out there doing what I needed to.
Angel’s eyebrows shot up, becoming one with his perfectly gelled hair. His mouth gaped open in disbelief. Buffy was the Slayer. Fighting was what she was supposed to do. How could she make it sound as if he’d done nothing? As far as he was concerned, he’d done far more than he should’ve had to. It wasn’t his fault she didn’t understand everything he tried to teach her.
Delving into my past puts everything into a new perspective. I was sixteen and certain that because of my calling, I wouldn’t live long at all and he was a two hundred year old vampire with the inside scoop. He knew enough to keep Giles and I informed, but not once did he try to stop anything on his own. Not once did he take it upon himself to help me in any way other than giving me fuzzy, unspecific lines about what was coming.
Finding out the guy you have a major crush on is one of the things you’re supposed to destroy can be a little devastating. I finally got that kiss I wanted so badly, but he vamped out during the middle of it and then growled at me, looking as if he wanted to eat me - and not in a fun way - before leaping out of my bedroom window.
To this day, I can’t figure out what the fangy growliness was all about. Sometimes I think it was a warning from the Powers about his curse, giving me a glimpse of what lay under the surface.
Even with the soul he still had to fight his demon for control at the smell of blood, and after having the soul for almost a hundred years by the time I met him, he should’ve had more of a hold on it. Spike sans soul seems to have more control over his baser urges than Angel ever has.
However, Angel does deserve ginormous credit for dusting his slut ball of a sire to save me. I know that for vampires, losing your creator is painful, even if they are the vilest creature on the face of the earth. There is a bond between them and he went against that connection because he knew it was the right thing to do.
I’m truly grateful for any help he gave me through the years, but it was always so little for someone who was supposed to be the love of my life. My friends, who I might add are human and much more vulnerable when it comes to slaying than he, were there for everything. They took on day to day slaying with me and didn’t miss an apocalypse. I know Angel has done more for the LA crew than he ever did for any of the Scoobies, myself included. And he expects me to believe I’m his soul mate?
What about the prophecy of my death at the Master’s fangs? Did he try to come up with a way to stop it? Did he take down the Master before it was time for me to die? Did he go down there with me to try and help? The answer to all of those things is a BIG NO! In fact, he just shrugged it off as my destiny, my duty, and did nothing but brood. I had to knock Giles out to keep him from trying to go in my place, but my boyfriend was already mourning my death.
The only reason Angel was there in the first place was because Xander showed up at his apartment, shoving a cross in his face and demanding to be taken down into the Master’s lair. Oh, and what the hell is up with telling Xand to do CPR cause he didn’t have breath? He had to breathe to be able to talk. A necessity to stay undead and kicking? No, but he could still do it. If it was left to just him I’d have stayed dead that first time and the Hellmouth would have been opened. Some protector the Powers That Be picked out for me.
Slamming the leather bound book down on his desk, Angel leapt to his feet and snarled with rage. She had one thing right. He was picked by the Powers to guide and protect her. That should have made her realize his importance, made her see that everything he’d ever done for her was for the best. Instead, she was blaming him for her problems.
Sure, he could’ve probably handled things with the Master a little differently. He even felt a little remorse looking at her writing, but she should see he was doing his best under difficult circumstances.
Angel stomped his way over to the wet bar. Pouring his glass full, he quickly downed the scotch. After forcing himself to take some deep, cleansing breaths, he refilled his glass and returned to his seat. Why did she have to make him feel like this? Still, he persevered, knowing that the more he read, the easier it would be for him to get Giles and possibly the others on his side before intervening and showing Buffy the error of her ways. He sighed heavily and picked up where he'd left off.
After I came home from my summer spent at my dad’s, the first thing Angel did was come to my window to tell me that the Anointed One was gathering troops. Really, couldn’t he have at least told me how much he missed me, or maybe asked what I’d done all summer? I was one screwed up puppy from my first death and resurrection, full of anger and afraid the next big bad would be too powerful and I’d end up dead, again, but what’s the first thing to greet me outta my guy’s mouth? Big brewing evil a comin’, of course.
At that moment I felt so alone. I needed him to be there for me, to see me, to see the pain, fear, and anger that was pulling me closer to a breakdown. I just needed him to hold me.
Then Spike, the sleek blonde stud with a slayer killing obsession popped up out of nowhere. Angel knew everything about him and his insane ho of a girlfriend, and could’ve spilled all about them. Did that mean he was going to give me the 411 on my latest opponent, though? Of course not. It just meant he knew more than I did, which seemed to make Angel feel ‘all manly,’ to quote Spike.
After Spike came on the scene, things between Angel and I escalated. Hell, my hormones were practically screaming for me to throw him on the ground and give them satisfaction. Stupid hormones. Another one of those ‘be careful what you wish for’ scenarios.
My seventeenth birthday arrived and I had Drusilla and Spike trying to put together the gigantic blue jigsaw puzzle to wipe out humanity. It was just another Buffy birthday with the fighting of badness. Then I had to go and get groiny with the great love of my life, or at least who I thought was my forever guy. Most girls worry about things like: will he still want me tomorrow, pregnancy, or disease. I thought I had all those bases covered. One—he’s dead so no disease or preggers possible, and two, of course he’ll want me tomorrow. He’s been here for over a year, why wouldn’t he want me, right?
Schyeah, like fluffy, happy rainbow moments are gonna happen. Instead, it was the worst morning after in recorded history and it only went downhill from there. I’d happied the soul right out of him. He’d been cursed about a hundred years before, but never thought to even research the soul at all. How many people…er…vampires would have something like that happen to them and never try to find out anything about it?
I held a lot of guilt for a long time with that one. I blamed myself for everything he did as Angelus, although he was the one who’d been cursed in the first place. I took whatever he did to those around me and turned it into one more thing to have on my conscience.
Angel killed Miss Calendar and who knows how many others as he plotted to suck the world into hell. And let's not forget Willow's fish. God knows she never did. I let all these things slowly eat away at me and build more and more walls of icy guilt around my heart, all the while hoping to get him back. Praying for some small miracle. Hoping that his soul would suddenly rush into him and give me my boyfriend back. It didn’t happen and I had to send him to Hell on the point of my sword.
I've always struggled with feeling responsible for whatever happens to those around me, even if it was their own choices that caused something bad to happen. It doesn’t matter if they are hurt fighting or if it’s just the fear that I’ll do something wrong and cause them to be upset. It’s also one of the reasons I never allowed myself to truly see Spike, instead just labeling him a vampire, and it all started with giving Angel my virginity.
After sending Angel to Hell, I came to the decision that caring for others meant total annihilation of self. I hated myself so completely. I didn’t want to live any longer, but was too afraid to kill myself. Yeah, I thought of suicide while I was all alone on the streets of LA, but I was too much of a wuss to actually do it.
I finally battled my way back to sanity and went home, hoping my mom, watcher, and friends would allow me back into their lives. While being on my own, I’d found out that I did need them. No matter what that stupid slayer handbook said, there was no way I could shut them out completely. They had already made a home for themselves inside of me. Still, I was no longer able to share freely with them and believe they would always support me. I felt if I wasn’t perfect, didn’t do exactly what they all wanted, that I’d be left alone. And who wants to be alone?
I’d just got my life back on track when - out of the blue - Angel literally dropped from the sky. Feral, but still recognizing me on a basic level. I wanted so much to make him better and have that perfect love back that I’d convinced myself we’d had. I nursed him and took care of him, lying to everyone because I knew they didn’t like him or trust him. Not one bit. Not that they didn’t have good reason.
I pretended that everything was normal, convincing myself that we could still be together—that the curse didn’t matter. We may not have been able to have complete happiness, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t still be in love. Or at least, it shouldn’t have.
I feel like such an idiot now. Where in the hell did I get the idea that everything could be hunky dory after everything that had happened? Why the hell did I want any of it after all that I’d seen and he’d done?
Angel and I muddled along, wading through the quicksand of our dying relationship with our eyes closed to keep from seeing the real truth of us. It took a drunken Spike to plow through our delusions, telling us we could never be just friends. He had this whole speech about how love was blood screaming inside you to do it’s will. I tried to ignore it and tell myself he was drunk and stupid, but the things he said niggled at the back of my mind, burrowing deeper and forcing me to open my eyes to the truth.
Although I knew it was the right thing to do, I still held onto hope that something would happen and we could be together. After the decision was made, it was harder to talk to Angel. There was never any real pain on his part that we were over. His demeanor was the same as it had always been, showing no signs of heartbreak and causing me to be frustrated, sad, and angry all at the same time.
Angel’s chest rumbled angrily at the childish attitude she seemed to have. Was she blind? Just because he wasn’t blubbering all over her didn’t mean he wasn’t upset about having to leave her. Of course he was going to miss being near her, but you do what you have to. He definitely needed to find a way to anchor his soul. Then she’d run into his arms and be his little Buffy as he guided her back to the right path.
Just as I let him have it for not being more emotional about our breakup, he gets poisoned and I have to force his demon to drink from me to save him. I came close to dying a second time as his teeth tore viciously into my neck. There was never any love or concern from his demon, so my well being didn’t matter as he took what he wanted and nearly drained me dry. Did he even say thanks for saving his undead butt?
He walked away. No I’m sorry. No asking me if this is what I wanted or needed. He just left. Seeing him across the smoke filled street looking at me one last time still haunts my nightmares. To know I wasn’t enough; to know that sex was more important than the person, well, that was a type of death in itself.
Some days I wish he would have left me right after he recovered from being brought back. I think it might’ve been easier than dragging it out as we did. My heart would’ve still been shattered, but at least I would have been spared some of the anguish that came with that year.
Let’s discuss the cursed soul of my ‘true love’. That’s laughable. How can someone who can’t love me and in actuality, wanted to drive me insane before ripping me to pieces without the soul, be considered a true and lasting love?
I know that Angel without soul isn’t the same, but Angelus lurks under the surface of the souled version all of the time. There isn’t any escaping from his demon, although he, himself refuses to acknowledge that fact. If the demon can’t love me then there is no forever for us.
Until recently I wanted to pretend differently. I wanted to hide from the truth of things and wait for my knight to ride in on his white horse to tell me either he’d somehow become human or the soul was anchored and the demon half had accepted it.
But I know now that it's never going to happen, and I can't shut these things out any longer. Not after Spike.
A demon, who was supposed to be totally evil, got a soul. For me. To give me ‘what I deserved’. I see now how much hell Spike will go through willingly- and for eternity, if necessary- for the ones he loves.
He loved before he had a soul and is totally unique in this ability. I’m not saying there aren’t other vampires who were able to have these kinds of emotions and changed because of them, but they were few and far between. Spike always accepted what he is and he never wanted to be anything other than himself.
Angel wants nothing more than to ignore what he is, to hide the other side of himself. Maybe if he would have tried to accept it we could have been more than we were.
Our relationship was almost always painful. Yes, I cared for him, and he cared for me, but it was more affection and admiration than true love. For many years now, I’ve refused to open my eyes to these things, wanting to keep my perfect ideal of him. Something that was never real, only the stuff of dreams and not what actually happened between us.
Angel treated me like a child who needed constant supervision because any decision I made would be the wrong one. He still does. To this day, he continues to act as if I’m too dumb to tie my own shoes. In his eyes I was and will always be a little girl who needs his guidance to be able to do my job properly. I don’t think he ever knew the real me.
I was a typical teenager who wanted friends, boys, shopping, and fun. Before I was called, I was a selfish little girl whose deepest friendship depended on how popular that person was and if they had the right clothes, hair, and makeup. My life changed overnight and I became the Slayer. A killing machine who can only now admit that I love the intense rush from the fight. I need it. Without the ongoing battles of daily slaying, I wouldn’t have a purpose. For the most part I hate being the Slayer, but I do realize what it has actually given me.
I am the Chosen One and I know now that I have this gift for a reason. I’m strong and can take care of myself, and for that I’m grateful. But I’m also human and I’ve made my fair share of mistakes.
I caused myself so much heartache and angst comparing everyone after Angel to a totally unrealistic fantasy.
Poor Spike suffered the most because of my stupidity. I can finally see how deserving he is of my loyalty, friendship, and maybe more. He has loved me more than Angel ever could, but I still don’t know if I can love him the way he should be loved. I don’t even know if I can love anyone without the hurt and anger of Angel standing between us.
I have so much more of myself to work on. I’m not whole and until I am, I can’t be with anyone.
@~@~@~
What the fuck was this?
Angel leapt from his chair, roaring his rage loud enough to rattle his glass of scotch right off his desk. He ignored the tinkle of breaking glass and flung the book of lies across the room to slam against the wall.
The things Buffy had written were outrageous! He’d only had her best interests at heart, no matter what she thought, and for her to compare him so disdainfully to his lowly grandchilde was horrifying. How could she even suggest Spike might be better than him?
Spike!
As soon as he saw that little prick again he was going to rip him apart. Somehow, he knew Spike must have done something to her to make her think these things. It must be some sort of crazy spell, or maybe the little bastard had finally learned thrall.
Palming a stake, Angel grinned maniacally as he pictured all the ways he could make his grandchilde bleed before actually killing him. Harmony chose that moment to invade his office with his scheduled cuppa, one of their newest employees following directly on her heels.
Glowering, Angel spun to face the intruders. “What do you want?” He growled through clenched teeth as his face shifted between demon and human mask.
The ditzy blonde secretary let out a high pitched screech, startled by her normally calm boss’s uncharacteristic, ear-splitting fury. “I’m sorry, boss. I didn’t know this was a bad time,” Harmony squeaked. “I brought your supper and this is the new guy you wanted to have a word with.”
“Excuse me, but I’ve been waiting out there for hou-,” the vampire behind her stupidly interjected. Harmony barely had time to dodge the flying stake before his dust coated the plush carpeting.
Angel whipped out another stake and Harmony screamed. She dropped the cup of blood and bolted out the double doors to safety. She’d never seen Angel this angry before. Shuddering with the sight of him throwing a stake at an innocent vampire for no reason, she knew she needed to find someone to calm the enraged vampire down and fast before she herself experienced early retirement.
Angel needed air. He needed a drink. He really needed to torture some ugly fuck of a demon to death. ‘Yeah, that last one sounded the best,’ he thought to himself as he stalked out of his office. Permanent brood wrinkles began forming in his forehead as he stomped his way to the elevator, a low growl reverberating through his chest the entire time.
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