"I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home"
Buffy wouldn’t go. She couldn’t.
It wouldn’t be right. She’d just
use him again. Unable and
unwilling to give Spike what he
needed, what he deserved.
It wasn’t in her. She couldn’t
love like that. So Buffy would
stay away and pretend. Pretend
she was happy. That she’d moved
on. She would ignore the fact
that not going to him was slowly
killing her. After all, she had
killed him with that amulet. It
didn’t matter if Buffy hadn’t
known what it would do. Her
friends had and they never said a
word to either her or Spike. They
hadn’t trusted him to do the
right thing. Hadn’t thought she’d
want to sacrifice Angel instead.
So, no, no one would know.
"You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate, You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take,So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind,And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind"
Now Spike was back and they all
knew. They had all said the same
thing. Spike was no good for her.
She deserved better. She finally
had a chance at a normal life.
"Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you"
Buffy had just smiled and nodded.
How could they ever know? She had
thought as they did. Even after
Spike came back with his soul,
she had just known his world was
all about her. She had been vain,
self centered, and unworthy. He
was everything they were not.
"Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you"
Spike loved unconditionally.
Spike forgave instantly. Buffy
and her friends barely managed
to let go of imagined wrongs.
They pretended to love and
forgive. Only they never loved,
nor did they forgive Spike. Giles
was Ripper and had betrayed them
before. Willow had raped their
minds and tried to kill off the
world. Xander had destroyed the
woman who had loved him. He had
ignored Anya when she was his and
tried to control her when she
wasn’t. They didn’t know what was
good for themselves much less
her.
"And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made"
This, though, she knew. She
was no good for him. So with a
smile on her face and her heart
bleeding in her chest, she
marched onward. Buffy would give
Spike the life he deserved. One
without her in it.
"Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you"
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