"The Strength To Heal "

Author: Amy
Contact: Slvrbttn@aol.com
Notes: My eternal thanks go to Tracy for helping through the duration of this fic, Laura for letting me complain that I was never going to get it done, and Rebecca for letting me throw things her way out of the blue. Love you guys! For some obvious and maybe not so obvious, the losing of Buffy's power isn't due to Giles's giving her injections. Hopefully that will be understood as the story progresses.

The doorbell rang and Giles answered it, getting more concerned by the moment. His eyebrows lifted when he saw Xander there, holding a six pack of sodas. Xander breezed past him, handing him the Pepsi's. "Giles," he deadpanned, "Fancy meeting you here."

"Yes, quite," Giles murmured, glancing out the door for a sign of Buffy. There were none, and he sighed, closing the door. "The others are in the den."

"Others?" Xander walked into the den, stopping short when he saw the whole group. "I thought it was only going to be me, the Watcher, and the Ice Princess." He strode over to Cordelia, who treated him with an ironic smile and let him drop a kiss onto the top of her head.

"That's what we thought," Willow spoke up. "That it would just be Oz and Giles and me. She didn't mention a whole meeting of everyone."

Angel nodded. "And I thought it would be me. Of course we were a little hasty to assume that just because she asked us individually, that we would be the only ones here."

"And she didn't inform me at all!" Giles muttered.

Willow cleared her throat. "Do you guys think it's.... about... You know, what happened? Last year, and last night?"

Angel lifted his shoulders helplessly. "That could be it. She refused to say." He paused, closing his eyes briefly. "She's here now."

Oz nodded. "I smell her too."

"Gee," Xander commented mildly, "Has anyone really contemplated how many freaks of nature there are in our little clique?" Cordelia swatted him and he gave her a knowing smirk.

Giles was already walking to the door. He opened it without hearing a knock, in time to see Buffy starting to fit her key into the lock. He pursed his mouth. "You do realize that you needn't use that key unless it's of absolute necessity, don't you?"

She stepped inside. "Yeah," she said lightly, "But it's so fun to surprise you."

Giles lifted his head silently, as if sending up a prayer, and then led her into the den. As soon as he was seated, he looked at Buffy expectantly. "Would you mind terribly if I asked you to explain what this impromptu meeting is about?"

She shook her head. "I wouldn't mind at all. But you don't need to actually ask." She seated herself on the long couch, next to Angel, and made herself comfortable before turning her eyes to Giles and continuing.

"Do you remember what you told me, almost a year ago?" Buffy asked. Giles simply stared at her, confused, so she elaborated. "You know, about the test and what happens to every Slayer when she turns eighteen and that sort of thing?"

Giles started, licking his lips. He nodded. "Yes."

"Well, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Actually, a lot, ever since you told me about it. I thought about the test that was supposed to happen with that male Drusilla that you mentioned, and I wondered if I would have gotten out alive."

Angel took her hand; stroked the top of it. "You would have."

She smiled at him. "Maybe. I like to think that I'm that strong, that useful. But I didn't have to take the test. At least not that one." She paused. "I had to take another, one that was much worse and much harder, and one that I still don't like to think about too much."

Giles began to speak, but she held up her hand, effectively silencing him. "The point is, I think I passed. I think I came out of that experience... Better. A better me. A *stronger* me, really. Which is what's important. That I'm strong enough to handle it. There have been times, even when I thought I was healing, that I went through some kind of hell, some kind of personal hell. A nightmare. But all those nightmares have helped to heal me in the long run." She smiled. "I guess you could say that they purged my soul of everything I didn't need."

"I'm glad," Willow whispered, her eyes glittering.

Buffy shared a smile with her. "Me too. And this is why I brought all of you here. Giles told me that I needed to say something, that I was allowed to choose my destiny. That all I have to say is that I want or don't want to remain the Slayer, and it'll be so. I think Giles assumed I had done it on my own." She glanced at him and he lifted his mouth in a wry smile, confirming her suspicion.

"Well, I hadn't. And my birthday-- the cutoff date-- is not even three days away now. So I wanted to bring you in on this, let all of you know what I've chosen. Because it affects you either way. I mean, if I'm still the Slayer, I know you guys will feel obligated to help and stuff, and I'd have to stay out every night, get no sleep, and have a huge dry-cleaning bill."

The group seemed to hold their breath collectively. "And if I'm not, then I get to have a normal life, and I don't have to put my life on the line nightly. It could be easier." She paused, drawing the moment out in silence. "So..."

Buffy closed her eyes, breathing in deeply. "What I choose, for my destiny," she opened her eyes and looked at each of her friends briefly, her eyes finally falling on Giles, who was looking down with an understanding expression, "To remain the Slayer."

Giles's head bolted up.

Willow gasped, a tear tracking down her cheek.

Oz smiled.

Cordelia smirked.

Xander began laughing.

And Angel just looked at her, as if he had known what she would say all along.

"Way to freak us, Buffy," Xander laughed.

Giles finally got his tongue working. "W-why?"

Buffy shrugged. "As terrible as I think it is, and as terrible as you guys sometimes think it is, it's who I am. I don't know how to *not* be the Slayer now. And I've learned that sometimes you put your life on the line nightly by *not* being strong. I don't want to be helpless again. I don't want anyone else to feel that way either." She held a steady gaze with her Watcher. "I want to help people."

"I think," he murmured softly, "That may be the best reason of all to make the choice you did."

She nodded sagely. "It is." She looked at the coffee table; changing the subject abruptly. "I say we eat."

"I second that," Xander called.

The gang began talking, laughing, and smiling together, and Buffy watched in silence, thinking. She smiled. When she was hurt, they went through every single one of her wounds with her, bandaging them up, cleaning them, helping her not to scar. And she was glad of the one thing that had been able to come out of all of it, all the pain and terror, and tears.

In healing herself.... She had healed them all.

The End

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