"Mixed Emotions"
Author: Ashlee
Contact: ashlee_999@hotmail.com
Notes: This is NOT a threesome story. It's a love triangle.
Avoidance
A week later, Buffy sat in her favorite jeans and tank top, curled up with Mr. Gordo, and her friends surrounding her.
She had called in sick for the last few days of school, ignoring most of William's calls, though they were strangely few and far between, telling him she didn't feel well (which wasn't a lie). Buffy hadn't left her apartment for a week, and her friends had come over to rescue her.
"So, what's going on, Buffy?" Tara asked gently.
Buffy took a deep breath. "I did something I'm not proud of."
"What was it?" Willow asked.
"I had sex with Spike." The words were out of her mouth before she knew she said them. She looked around the room, gauging her friends' reactions. Willow was shocked, Tara was trying to remain impassive, and Faith was trying to suppress a smirk.
"So, what's the problem then, B?"
Buffy looked at Faith in shock. "You're actually asking me that?"
"I'm guessing it was a case of mistaken identity?" Faith asked.
"More or less."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, I think I subconsciously knew it was him."
"Okay, that may add to the problem," Tara said. "Does William know?"
"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. "If he does, I didn't tell him."
"So, Spike just pretended to be William to get you to sleep with him?" Willow asked in confusion.
"Not exactly. I had a fight with both of them on the same night. When Spike showed up, all he said was that he was sorry, and I assumed it was Will."
"Are you going to tell William?" Tara asked.
"I don't know what to do," Buffy said miserably. "He's been so stressed because we kissed. If he finds out about this…I don't want to hurt him."
"On to more important topics," Faith said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. "Was he good?"
"FAITH!!!" All three yelled at once.
"What?" she asked with an innocent look before pointing to Willow and Tara. "I don't care if you two are lesbians, you know you were thinking the same thing."
This actually brought a smile to Buffy's face. "Thank you," she said to her friend. "I haven't smiled in a week."
"That's what I'm here for, B. But you never did answer my question."
"Do you really have to ask?"
"Oooh, that good, huh?" Faith asked with a wicked grin.
Buffy smiled again before looking down at the cup of tea in her hand that Tara had made for her. "I've been ignoring both of them. Spike's so mad at me right now, and I think Will suspects something. He hasn't even tried to call the past few days."
"So, what happens if Will breaks up with you?" Willow asked.
Buffy shrugged. "He's a great guy, but he obviously deserves better than me."
"Buffy, don't say that," Tara said.
"Why not? It's true, and we all know it."
"It's not that he deserves someone better than you, it's that he deserves someone different than you," Faith said.
"What's the difference?"
"You two are too similar," Faith continued. "That's why you and Spike fit better. You balance each other out."
"Except Spike will probably never speak to me again."
"Buffy, do you really believe that?" Willow asked.
"I don't know," Buffy said with a pained look. "He was so mad at me, you guys. I'm sure he thinks I just led him on, but I want him so much."
The four friends sat in silence for several moments before Faith jumped to her feet.
"Alright. Get dressed, girlfriend, we're going out."
"Faith, I really don't-"
"She's right, Buff," said Willow. "You've been in hiding a week. I think we need to hit the Bronze."
"I can't," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Spike might be there."
"Probably," Faith said in agreement. "But you know the old saying- one step forward, two steps back…or is it two steps forward, one step back?" Faith tilted her head thoughtfully. "Oh well, the point is, it's time to get out and have some fun."
An hour later, Faith and Tara were practically dragging Buffy into the Bronze while Willow stood behind her in case she tried to get away.
Her friends had somehow talked her into wearing a black mini-skirt with a backless black tank top, held together by two strings in the back. Willow had pulled out some high-heeled sandals from the back of her closet, and all had joined in doing her hair and make-up. She was wearing more eye make-up than she was used to, but she still looked pretty good. Her hair fell in soft ringlets down her back, complimenting her features.
Buffy took a deep breath before walking through the door. She glanced around, relieved that she didn't see any bleached heads in the area, and followed her friends through the club.
Faith made a dash for Xander when she saw him sitting at the bar, causing the other three to laugh at her behavior. Faith was the last person that anyone would suspect of falling head-over-heels for a guy, but Buffy was happy for her. She deserved someone who would treat her with respect, and Xander seemed to be the guy for the job.
Willow, Tara, and Buffy went to find an available table. The club was a little busier now that school was out for the summer, but it wasn't too hard finding a place to sit. After about five minutes and a shot of tequila, Buffy was feeling much better. She hadn't seen Spike anywhere, which she thought was a little strange, but she ignored it.
Buffy laughed with her friends as they dragged her out to the dance floor. Even Tara, who was normally more reserved, danced with them. Buffy was just beginning to have fun when she spotted bleached hair through the crowd. Buffy frowned, trying to figure out if it was William or Spike from this far away. She didn't see a leather duster, and he was sitting with some people she didn't know.
Buffy pulled Willow over to her and pointed to the table. Willow concentrated on the table before looking at Buffy. "I think it's William. You should go talk to him."
Buffy nodded as she left the dance floor. She could feel the butterflies in her stomach as she moved toward him, still not sure which brother she was about to approach. As she got closer, she noticed the darker roots that were beginning to grow out with his hair. It wasn't very noticeable yet, but Buffy could see it. She also noticed the loose curls and began to feel a little better. Surely this was William. Maybe he was finally realizing it was okay to be himself.
As she got to the table, Buffy nervously tapped him on the shoulder.
"Buffy," he said in shock as he turned around. "I thought you were sick."
'Definitely William.'
"I'm feeling better. My friends decided to get me out of the house."
William nodded before turning to face the table. "I'm sorry, everybody, this is Buffy Summers. Buffy, this is Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, Anya Jenkins, Fred Burkle, Allen Doyle, and Cordelia Chase."
Buffy smiled and said hello to everyone before turning back to William. "Can I talk to you?"
"Uh, sure, let's go outside. Excuse us," Will said to his friends.
Walking out the door, Buffy nervously wrung her hands together as she turned to face him. "So…your friends seem nice," she said with a smile.
"Yeah, they're great."
"I've never seen them before. How'd you meet?"
"Uh, we actually met here…last week."
"Oh," Buffy said with a nod. "I see. So…I haven't heard from you lately."
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I just thought if you needed me, you'd call."
Buffy frowned slightly. This was clearly William, but he seemed a little more nonchalant than usual. "William, what's going on with us?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean…okay, the easiest thing is to just ask, so…do you still love me?"
"Buffy, of course I do. I always will, you know that."
"But are you in love with me?"
William seemed to pause before answering. "What's the difference?"
"Well," Buffy began as she started pacing slightly. "I know you love me, but do you want to be with me?"
"Buffy…"
"Will, it's okay if you don't."
"It's not that I don't…it's just we haven't seen each other much this week, and I've been doing a lot of thinking-"
"Will," Buffy interrupted, taking a deep breath. "I'm not in love with you." Buffy waited for a reaction. Anything. She'd never told him she was in love with him to begin with, but she'd also never said it flat out either. Buffy watched his face for a moment and noticed the lack of emotion. She stared at him a little longer before speaking. "You don't care?" The question wasn't accusing or angry- it was almost a comment.
"Buffy…ever since Spike came into town, things have been different. Or at least, things were brought to my attention. I've spent the last week and a half wondering how to fix this relationship. Then I realized something."
"What's that?"
"We shouldn't have to fix a five-month relationship."
Buffy looked down at the ground before meeting his eyes with a smile. "You're right."
"I wanted you for so long, Buffy, and I'm honored that you gave me a chance, but I just don't think we belong together."
Buffy hugged him with tears in her eyes. "I'm the one who should be honored," she replied in a choked voice. "Can we still be friends?" she asked, pulling away to look him in the eyes. "I really mean that. I'm not just saying it."
"I'd like that, Buffy," he said.
"I want you to be happy, Will," Buffy said genuinely, giving him another hug.
"Well, isn't this cozy."
Both turned to face Spike as he walked toward them. Buffy cringed at the scent of alcohol that wafted around him. He wasn't acting drunk, but he clearly was.
"Spike, we were just talking," Buffy spoke up, feeling the need to show how innocent the situation was.
"And what would you be talking about, luv?" he asked in a condescending tone.
"Not that it's any of your business," William spoke up. "But we've decided to break up."
Spike raised an eyebrow, looking back and forth between them before settling his gaze on Buffy. "So, you told him we slept together, then?"
I'm Sorry
Time seemed to stand still for Buffy as she stared at Spike in disbelief. She slowly turned to face William, and the look on his face scared her more than if he'd been yelling. It was blank. No expression seemed to come across him as he stared at his brother. Slowly, he turned to face Buffy. "You slept with him?" he asked quietly.
Buffy gulped as her eyes widened. "William, it's not like it sounds. I-I thought he was you!"
"Yes, luv, but you wished he was me," Spike said with a smile and a bit of a slur to his words, thoroughly enjoying the display in front of him as he struggled not to sway back and forth.
Buffy watched as William turned and started to head back to the door. Following him, Buffy grabbed his arm, turning him to face her. "I'm sorry," she said with genuine sorrow. "I never wanted to hurt you, and I hate myself for doing it."
William stared down at her for a long moment before gently tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. The tenderness seemed to shock Buffy even more. "Buffy…I'm not thrilled about it," he whispered. "But don't worry. We'll be fine."
Buffy stood in astonishment as he turned and walked back into the club. She wished he would have just yelled at her. It would have been a lot easier to take than his acceptance. Her eyes slowly trailed downward, filling with tears, knowing that he was hurting more than he was letting on because of something she did.
"He had to find out eventually, pet."
Buffy turned and stared at Spike for a minute, not saying anything. Spike felt a jolt of pain as he looked into her shimmering eyes. He was waiting for the explosion, knowing it wouldn't be long. To his own amazement, Buffy turned and began walking down the alley.
"Buffy?"
When she didn't turn around, Spike's brow furrowed in confusion. "Buffy!"
Buffy made it home faster than she anticipated. She was relieved that Spike hadn't followed her out of the alley. She knew he would probably get a well deserved kick if he had.
Buffy shut the door behind her, leaning back against it and letting the tears finally fall. She couldn't imagine what Will must be going through right now. And knowing that she was the cause of it only made her feel worse.
"You should have just told him," Buffy whispered to herself. "You know these things never stay quiet- it would have been better coming from you, but you were too much of a coward to even face him."
Buffy jumped at the loud knock on the door. Trying to dry her eyes, she turned around. "Who is it?"
"It's me."
"Go away, Spike," she said through gritted teeth.
"Not until you talk to me, Summers."
Buffy sighed, knowing that he wasn't lying. She slowly turned around and opened the door.
Spike walked in, shutting the door behind him. "Buffy, I'm-"
"Don't!" Buffy said, holding up a hand. "Don't even bother apologizing because we both know it would be a lie."
"Buffy-"
"You just had to do it, didn't you, Spike! It wasn't enough to know that we broke up, oh no. You had to rub it in that I slept with you."
"Give it a rest, Miss High and Mighty! If you had told him the truth that night, none of this would have ever happened!"
"You think I don't know that? I'm not the only guilty party here, you knew who I was when we were together and you slept with me anyway. You think I won't be kicking myself for not telling him? For hurting him so much, not by what I said, but because he knows that I screwed his brother?"
"Made love," Spike said through gritted teeth before he looked at her. "We made love that night, and you know it, so don't make it sound so demeaning when we both know it wasn't."
Buffy took a deep breath, looking down at the floor, knowing that he was right. She tried to steady her nerves as she avoided his eyes. "Why'd you do it, Spike?" she asked quietly.
Spike seemed to think about the question for a moment before answering. "I wanted…bloody hell, I just wanted him to know that I was just as good as him for a change."
Buffy's eyes snapped up to his, tears threatening to spill over. "So you just used me?"
"No," Spike said, shaking his head anxiously.
"You did," Buffy said in a choked voice. "You never wanted me."
"Buffy, I always want you. I would never lie about that…but you don't know what it's like, pet. To always be looked down on. To be the disappointment of the family. Never able to live up to the sparkling expectations that my big brother sets for me."
"So…I was just some prize in this morbid little game of yours? Just a trophy in this macho pissing contest?"
""I was angry for finding a woman that I wanted to be with, only to realize that Will had gotten something else before me. You were never a prize, luv. I just want to be with you."
"You're just like the rest of them," Buffy said quietly, never taking her eyes off the floor. "Get out."
"Buffy-"
"There's nothing else for you to say, Spike," she said, raising her eyes to his. Spike felt his heart ache at anguish that seemed to flow from her. "You've made it pretty clear. I should have listened to my mind and not my heart. I may have been alone, but it would have been better than what I'm going through right now. So please, get out of my home."
"Don't you see what I'm trying to tell you?" he asked angrily.
"I see enough. You wanted to beat your brother, so you slept with his girlfriend. It's pretty cut and dry to me. Congratulations, you got what you wanted."
"No," Spike growled, grabbing her by the shoulders and resisting the urge to shake her. "I wanted you. I wanted you so much that it killed me whenever I thought of you sleeping with him. I wanted to come out here and beat the hell out of him that night that he kissed you good-bye. And you know what? I did want to rub it in his face that night, but I knew it would hurt you too much, luv." Spike's voice softened to a whisper as he finished, loosening his hold on her shoulders.
"So you decided to wait and hurt me tonight instead. How very thoughtful of you," she replied sarcastically.
"I just want to be with you, Buffy," Spike whispered.
"Maybe you should have thought about that before you purposely hurt me. Now, please leave," Buffy whispered quietly.
Spike sighed and turned toward the door. "I really am sorry, Buffy. I never should have told him that way, and I'm sorry I hurt you."
Buffy watched as he walked out the door.
"Spike." She stood in the doorway as he turned around. "You don't have to be in competition with your brother to prove you're a good man. In spite of what happened tonight, I've known you're a good person since I met you. And as much as you don't deserve to know this…I never slept with William."
Spike stared after her in stunned silence as Buffy shut the door with a soft click.
Surprise Date
Spike walked toward his brother's house later that night with a heavy heart. He would be moving out tomorrow, and it wasn't soon enough. Xander had given him a job at his construction company, and Spike would be renting an apartment closer to Buffy. At the time, that had seemed like a good plan. Be close enough to see her whenever he wanted, build a friendship or possibly more. Unfortunately, like most of his plans, this one had backfired on him.
Spike was so lost in thought as he stepped through the door that he didn't even see the fist that landed squarely on his nose.
"Bloody hell!" Spike yelled as he was propelled backwards. He managed to remain standing as his hand went up to the blood that was now pouring from it. Looking ahead of him, he saw a very angry William. "Bugger," he muttered as Will pulled back and landed another solid hit to his jaw.
Spike went into action as William pulled back again, landing a hit to his stomach before Spike quickly stepped out of range. "Alright, you got your licks in," Spike said, inspecting his nose again, keeping the distance between them.
"You pretended to be me, didn't you?" William asked angrily, circling his brother.
"Oh, don't flatter yourself. You know she's wanted me from the moment she laid eyes on me. If you don't believe it, why don't you check out a mirror and take a look at your makeover? You obviously realized it, since you turned into my mirror image. It was just a case of mistaken identity…that's all."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" William growled.
"It means I was under the impression that she knew it was me. I can give you a detailed description, if you don't believe me."
"No," Will said through clenched teeth.
"Besides, you two broken up, now."
"Just because we broke up doesn't mean I don't still love her."
"Oh, that's bollocks, and you know it. You're just angry because I got her, and you were left high and dry."
"Yeah? Was it all part of the plan to get her to hate you for telling me about it?"
"Oh, give it a rest, Willie. She might hate me right now, but she wouldn't be crazy about you either." At Will's look, he continued. "Yeah, you forget, big brother, I know you almost as well as you know yourself."
"Shut up, Spike."
Spike sighed. "Look…for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you like that, alright?"
"You know what, that doesn't matter. The point is, you slept with my girlfriend! You knew she was going out with me, and you knew that I loved her!"
"Yeah, and I also knew she didn't love you! Face it, Will, for once in your life, I was able to get something that you wanted before you, and it's killing you. I have no doubt that you loved her, mate, and I do feel bad for sleeping with her when I knew she was with you, but I wouldn't take it back. I care about her, too," he said softly. "I know you're not in love with her, Will, no matter how much you love her, I know you don't want to spend your life with her. If you did I wouldn't have seen you chattin' up that Anya bird every night that I've been to the Bronze in the past two weeks. How long has that been going on?"
"There's nothing going on, Spike. She's a friend, that's all."
"Yeah? Did you tell Buffy how friendly you got the other night?"
"She just kissed me goodnight, Spike. She's an affectionate woman, that's how she was saying good-bye."
"Yeah, it looked real affectionate, what with her tongue in your mouth and all."
Will stayed quiet as he looked down at the floor.
"So you did tell Buffy?"
"No," William admitted quietly. "I couldn't get mad at her for sleeping with you, when I did something with more conscious thought than she did."
"So…you were feeling guilty."
"Maybe," William admitted quietly.
"Do you want to be with Buffy?" Spike asked, holding his breath as he waited for an answer.
"I did. Things have just been brought to the surface…I never wanted to cheat on her."
"And she never wanted to cheat on you. You know that right? This is all my fault, I'm taking full blame, so don't get mad at Buffy for something I did."
"I'm not mad at her. I don't even think I'm that mad at you, except when I thought you purposely pretended to be me. You know…when I heard that you two were together…it was almost like hearing two of my friends slept together. There was nothing…no jealousy, no anger…okay, maybe a little bit of anger."
"Look, Will, I didn't mean for it to happen," Spike said softly. "There was just something about her that seemed to draw me in, and I couldn't get her out of my mind."
"She has a tendency to do that," William agreed with a slight smile.
"I never intentionally set out to hurt you…that's not why I came to town. Yeah, I did want to show you up and I shouldn't have blurted out the truth like that, but you are my brother. Even if we don't get along most of the time. And I'll understand if you don't want to see me again, can't say I'd blame you, but I didn't do it to hurt you. You do believe me, don't you?" Spike asked worriedly.
William hesitated for a moment before nodding.
Spike went to sit down on the couch with his brother following behind him to sit in the chair. "I've really screwed up, mate," Spike said quietly.
"I'll say."
"Just when you think my foot can't get any more wedged in my mouth, there goes the other one in there, too."
William smiled slightly, clasping his hands together as he leaned forward. "Were you at her place?"
Spike nodded. "Tried talking to her. It didn't go well."
"Do you love her?" William asked quietly.
"I could," Spike admitted with a slight nod. "I really could."
"That's a big step for you," William said, looking into his brother's eyes.
"Don't I know it."
Buffy heard a knock on the door the next morning and sighed as she went to answer it. Opening the door, she saw William standing there in his khakis and blue button-down shirt. "Can we talk?" he asked quietly.
Buffy nodded as she opened the door a little wider, allowing him in. Both walked over to the couch and sat down. William looked over and saw Buffy nervously wringing her hands together and avoiding his eyes.
"I'm not mad," he said softly, causing Buffy to raise her eyes to his. "Don't get me wrong- I'm not thrilled, either, but I'm not mad."
"How can you not be? I slept with your brother!"
"Yeah," William said with a nod. "And I kissed another woman that I've practically been dating for the last week."
Buffy froze at the admission. That was the last thing she expected to hear, but she found her curiosity peaked as she looked at him. "That's not exactly the same thing, I think I'm probably beating you in the guilt department."
"Maybe," William said, with a soft smile. "But we both kept things from each other because we were guilty."
"I'm so sorry," Buffy whispered, looking down at her hands.
"Buffy, did you want to hurt me?"
Her eyes snapped up to his as she vigorously shook her head. "No! I never wanted that. I just…it just happened and…"
William seemed to hesitate before asking the next question. "You were going to sleep with me that night?"
Buffy glanced down as she felt tears fill her eyes. "I was," she said quietly. "I know it's horrible, and you probably think I was just going to use you, but I swear, I just wanted to make it better between us." She let out a mirthless laugh as she shook her head. "Didn't really work out that way, did it?"
William smiled. "Things happen for a reason, Buffy. You and I just weren't cut out for the long haul. Do you love him?" he asked, repeating the same question he'd asked his brother the night before.
"I don't know," Buffy said quietly as she dropped her head into her hands. "I wish this all wasn't so complicated. I wish that I could just forget about him or that you and I could have been in love with each other." Both stayed quiet for a minute before Buffy raised her head to look at him. "I'm not going to be with him, Will. I owe you that much. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I never wanted to hurt you."
William calmly took her hand in his as he looked into her eyes. The eyes of the woman he loved, even if Spike was right, it wasn't in a romantic context. Taking a deep breath, he spoke, "I think you should give him a chance, Buffy."
"What?" she asked, looking at him incredulously.
"I want you to be happy."
"William, I'm not going to be happy knowing that I made you miserable by something that I did."
"Buffy…you two have already shared something that we never shared. As horrible as it may sound, I'm moving on. I have a date for this weekend." Buffy looked into his eyes before uncontrollable laughter erupted from her. William smiled as well. "I didn't think my having a date would be that funny."
"It's not," Buffy said, trying to control her laughter as she shook her head. "It's just…what the hell are we doing, Will? We had a good relationship just a few short weeks ago, and now we're sitting here like we're best friends, talking about their potential new boyfriend or girlfriend. It's just ridiculous!" she said as another bout of laughter came over her.
William joined in, shaking his head. "We are definitely a living soap opera, aren't we?"
Buffy tried to control her laughter as she nodded. "We really are."
William stood to leave as Buffy stood, as well. He stared at her for a moment before speaking. "I really think you two would be good for each other, Buffy," he said seriously.
"You are the last person I would have expected to say that to me."
"Hey, I'm not crazy about the idea, but I know Spike. He's a good man, even if he tries to hide it."
"Thank you," Buffy said softly before stepping forward and hugging him. "I really do love you, you know that, right?" Pulling away from him, she smiled. "Just not…you know…that way."
William chuckled. "I know. I feel the same way."
"Thank you, Will."
"For what?"
"For being my friend."
Buffy was dressed in her black jogging pants and tank top, doing her warm-up stretches the next day. She was about to go out for a jog when she heard a knock on the door. Jumping up, she quickly pulled her hair into a sleek ponytail as she went to answer it and gasped at what she saw.
"Buffy Summers?"
"That's me."
"Sign here."
Buffy signed where indicated and was handed a huge floral arrangement of red roses and daisies. The display was so big, Buffy had to walk sideways to see where she was going.
Setting them down on the end table, Buffy pulled the card from its holder and looked at it. She had to smile at what she saw. Written undeniably in Spike's handwriting was a simple message:
'Forgive me, luv'
Underneath the message was a frowny face. Buffy sighed, putting the card back in the holder, as she turned to go out for her run. Turning around, her hand went to her heart as she realized she left the door open. However, it wasn't the door that startled her, it was the man standing there.
Buffy stared at Spike as he stood looking rather uncomfortable.
"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked softly.
"I owed you an apology…a big one."
Buffy crossed her arms across her chest as she looked at him. "Have you talked to William?"
Spike gestured toward his swollen face with half a smile. "Last night."
"It went that well, huh?" Buffy asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Better than expected."
"Meaning?"
"It was his idea to send you the flowers."
Buffy's mouth dropped open as she stared at him. Spike took several steps forward, biting his lip and looking down at the floor. "I'm not asking for a lot, Buffy. I know I was a pillock last night, and I am sorry...but I've talked to Will, and he seems okay with it. I want us to start over."
Buffy tilted her head slightly as she studied him. "What do you mean by 'start over'?"
Spike pulled his hand from behind his back, revealing a beautiful white rose. "I want to go on a date. A real one. You name the night, and I'll be here. I want to show you that I can be the perfect guy, too."
Buffy smiled slightly as she took the beautiful rose from him. She trailed her fingertips over the soft, delicate petals, trailing downward until the pad of her finger touched one of the thorns. She carefully traced over it, taking consideration not to scratch her finger as she studied it. "You know…the rose is arguably one of the most beautiful flowers out there."
Spike watched her as she continued to stare at it, twisting the flower back and forth to see it from all angles. "And just because it's beautiful," she continued. "Doesn't mean it's perfect. In fact, that's why the thorns are there. Everything has to be balanced…equal. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Buffy asked, looking up into Spike's eyes.
Spike sighed as he looked down. "You're saying the same goes for twins. The good has to equal the bad, and I guess that's me."
"No," Buffy said, shaking her head as she set the rose down to take one of his hands in both of hers. "I'm saying…you don't have to be perfect." Spike raised his eyes to look into hers. "No one does. Just because you may think you're not enough like your brother doesn't mean you should be like him. After all, if he's so perfect, why couldn't I let myself fall in love with him?"
Spike studied her as she spoke, tilting his head to the side. "Spike, I don't want you to be William…I want you to be yourself. Don't put on an act for my benefit because eventually, I'll get tired of it. Let me get to know you, okay?"
Spike smiled as he nodded, feeling better about himself than he had in a long time.
"Now…as for that date, I think Saturday night sounds good," Buffy said with a smile.
"I'll pick you up at six."
"That's a little early," she said with a curious look. "Just what are you planning?"
"It's a surprise," Spike whispered. Slowly, he brought her hand up to his lips and gently kissed it before turning and walking toward the door. He turned and smiled before shutting the door. "I'll see you then, luv."
Miscommunication
Buffy was nervous getting ready for her date with Spike. Rifling through her closet, she discarded nearly everything she owned. With a heavy sigh, Buffy pulled out a pair of jeans. Spike had called her and told her to go casual, but she wasn't sure how casual. Deciding that she could always run back in and change, Buffy pulled on the jeans and began sifting through her tops.
When she came across a silky, black V-neck shirt with short sleeves that were each split down the center, Buffy put it on and examined her reflection. "Not too bad," she murmured as she grabbed her brush and pulled it through her straight hair.
Her make-up was minimal since she didn't know where they were going. Buffy was quickly slipping on some black boots and silver earrings when she heard the knock on the door. With a deep breath, Buffy walked through her apartment and opened the door with a bright smile.
Spike stood there in dark blue jeans and a red button down shirt, his trademark duster gone for the night. Reaching toward Buffy, his arms encircled her waist and pulled her closer. He leaned forward slowly, leaving a feather-light kiss on her forehead as he pulled back to look at her. "You look beautiful, luv."
"You're not so bad yourself," Buffy whispered.
"You ready to go?"
Buffy nodded as she grabbed her key and locked the door. "So, where are we going?"
"It's a surprise, pet," Spike said with a smile as he took her hand and led her to his motorcycle, swinging his leg over the seat.
Buffy took the hand he offered and sat behind him, snuggling deeper into his back as she wrapped her arms securely around his waist. She loved being able to be this close to Spike and not have to feel guilty about it.
Spike smiled when her grip tightened on him as he started the bike. Briefly taking one of her hands, he brought it up to his lips for a kiss before securing it back around his midsection.
Fifteen minutes later, Spike pulled off on a clearing, parking the bike.
"We have to walk from here, pet."
"You're still not going to tell me, are you?"
"We've made it this far," he said with a smile as he took her hand. "Why ruin it now?"
Buffy stayed silent as Spike led her onto a small path, winding through some trees. She could hear the ocean off in the distance, but she knew they weren't near the beach. After a few minutes, Spike veered off the path and began walking through the wooded area.
"Spike?"
"Almost there, luv."
Stepping over some brush, Buffy could see a small clearing with a huge rock sitting on the other side. Buffy looked at Spike questionably as he pulled her to the side of the rock, and she gasped as she saw the ocean come into view. They were standing on an overlook that was surrounded on three sides by trees. Buffy was amazed at the view as Spike led her further around. She gasped again when she saw the picnic basket that was sitting on a blanket.
"You planned all of this?"
"Course I did, luv. I couldn't do something generic for our first date, now could I?"
Buffy wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest as she hugged him. "I would have been fine with anything."
"So you don't like it?" Spike asked, pulling her away from him to look in her eyes.
"I love it," she answered with a smile. "But you didn't have to go to this much trouble, Spike."
Bending down, he gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. "I wanted to, luv."
Buffy smiled as they broke apart, sitting down on the blanket as Spike sat down across from her. Opening the basket, Buffy pulled out fruits and vegetables with chicken salad sandwiches that were cut into fourths.
"I'm no gourmet chef, but I thought you'd like some of this."
"It's great," Buffy said with a smile. "No dessert?" she asked with a mock pout. Spike laughed as he reached into the basket and pulled out a package of mini Snickers bars. Buffy had to laugh. "Wow, you really did plan for everything."
Spike smiled as he pulled out a bottle of wine. He quickly opened it and poured two glasses for them. When everything was set up, he moved the basket off the blanket and leaned onto an elbow as he watched Buffy. She was staring out at the ocean, and Spike couldn't help admiring her as the sunlight began to fade. It was still a while before sunset, but the golden rays set off the highlights in her hair and her bronzed skin.
Buffy turned and saw Spike watching her. "What?" she asked with a smile.
"Just watching you, pet."
"I'm not that interesting."
"I'll be the judge of that," he replied with a smile, enjoying the blush that crept up her face.
An hour later, Buffy and Spike were both leaning on their elbows as they lay facing each other on the blanket. They had enjoyed pleasant small talk as they ate, but now that the food was gone, the more serious questions started.
"Have you ever been in love?" Buffy asked quietly.
"I thought I was."
"What happened?"
"We were too different."
"How so?" Buffy asked, picking up a strawberry and eating it.
"Well, for one, she didn't like the monogamy part of a long-term relationship. We broke up about a year and a half ago, and I haven't seen her since."
"So, you didn't love her?"
"I don't know," Spike said with a shrug as he took a sip of wine. "I thought I did, but you know what they say…hindsight is twenty/twenty."
"Yeah," Buffy said with a soft smile as she stared down into her glass.
"Same question, back at you, pet."
"Once," she said softly.
"The first guy or the Iowa farm boy?"
Buffy looked up at him. "You remember?"
"Luv, I remember every conversation we've ever had."
Buffy smiled. "It was the first guy. Ever since him, I just haven't let myself open up again."
Spike watched her carefully. "Do you mind telling me what happened?"
Buffy shrugged. "Not much to tell," she said with a soft smile. "He left me alone the morning after. Broke my heart…left town a year later. I found out later that he thought it was for my own good. I didn't get a say in it. That's the story of my life, though…everyone leaves."
Spike glanced down at the blanket as she spoke. Slowly, he raised his eyes to hers, reaching out to gently caress her cheek. Buffy watched him as they sat in silence. It was so comforting to just be with each other. Spike slowly sat up, pushing the remaining food out of the way as he pulled Buffy into a sitting position. Without a word, he pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms securely around her waist. He rested his cheek against the side of her head as they faced the sunset.
Buffy relaxed in his embrace as the last rays of sun began disappearing. Slowly, she turned to face Spike and breathed a sigh of relief when his lips met hers. His arms tightened around her as they deepened the kiss. Buffy turned more fully toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck.
After a minute, she found herself laying on the blanket with Spike on top of her as they continued the kiss. Buffy felt her heart racing as his hands trailed softly over her arms and stomach. Her hands began to work the buttons on his shirt before he pulled away from her.
"Are you sure about this, Buffy?" he asked as he looked into her eyes. "This is me, this time," he said with a smirk playing on his lips.
Buffy smiled but didn't answer as she pushed him off of her. Spike looked at her in confusion as she stood, only to feel himself become painfully hard as she pulled her shirt over her head and shimmied out of her jeans, leaving her in a lace bra and thong as she straddled him.
Buffy quickly unbuttoned his shirt, trailing her fingertips over the exposed muscles of his chest. She worked her way downward until she began working on his belt.
"We can stop if you're not ready to do this, luv."
Buffy gave him a soft kiss before responding, "I want to be with you, Spike."
Spike clenched his jaw as he felt her hand encircle his hard length, gently pumping up and down as she leaned down, pressing her body to his, her lips meeting his in a burning kiss. Spike began to grow short of breath as he reached around, unclasping Buffy's bra, letting it fall to the ground as he cupped her breasts, gently massaging them as Buffy began moving on top of him. She moaned into his mouth as she broke away from Spike, hurriedly pulling his jeans further down his legs and slipping off her thong.
Spike watched, entranced, as she straddled him again. His mouth was suddenly very dry as her naked form was emphasized by the last rays of the sun. Both let out low moans as her body sunk down on his. Spike felt his eyes roll back as he was enveloped in her tight passage. Buffy paused, panting as she adjusted to him, before slowly moving her hips in a circle, gradually moving faster as her fingernails scraped against his chest.
After a few minutes, Spike's hands went to her hips, moving her up and down as he thrust into her. He felt himself nearing his climax as Buffy gasped, arching her back as they grinded together. Trying to hold off as long as possible, Spike sat up, wrapping his arms around her body, letting his hands trail over the smooth, exposed skin of her back as he kissed along her shoulder and collarbone.
Buffy felt the tightening in her stomach at the new position. Moving up and down more rapidly, she let out a scream of pleasure as her orgasm seemed to crash into her. Spike smiled against her skin as he pressed his forehead into the crook of her neck, thrusting up into her as he clutched at her body.
Buffy heard the rumbling in his throat as he followed her over the edge, losing himself in her body.
As they both trembled slightly, Spike rolled them over, slipping from Buffy's warmth and smiling down at her as he met her lips in a soft kiss. He quickly pulled up his jeans to get more comfortable before laying down and cuddling her closer to him. The moonlight was now shining down on them as Spike pulled the edge of the blanket over them, covering her against the slight chill in the air as his hands lazily trailed over her body.
"Thank you," she whispered sleepily.
"For what, baby?"
"For making me happy."
"Then I suppose I should be thanking you, too," he said with a smile as he pulled Buffy closer, kissing the top of her head.
Buffy was practically floating on cloud nine for the next week. She and Spike had gone out every night, and Buffy couldn't remember ever feeling this happy. As she was pulling her hair up in a clip, she head a knock on her front door.
"Just a second," she called as she adjusted her black sleeveless shirt. Opening the door, her smile soon faded.
'It's always calmest before the storm,' that little voice said, taunting her.
"Hello, Buffy."
"Riley, what are you doing here?"
"I was in town. Thought I'd drop by."
"Oh, um…that's…that's nice."
"I know you're surprised to see me."
"Surprised? Yeah, that could be one way to describe it."
"I was wondering if I could take you out to lunch."
"Riley, I don't think that's such a good idea."
"I don't mean as a date, Buffy. I'm married now. I just wanted to catch up with you, if that's okay."
Buffy relaxed slightly. "I didn't know you got married."
"Yeah, her name's Sam. She's great. I'd like you to meet her sometime."
"That would be nice. And in that case, I think lunch would be okay."
Buffy and Riley sat at the Espresso Pump, filling each other in on their lives. Buffy had already told him that she was seeing someone, and Riley was thrilled for her.
"So, tell me about Sam," Buffy said as she took a sip of her iced tea. "How'd you meet?"
"Actually, she's a karate instructor."
"Really?" Buffy asked with a smile. "So she could probably wipe the floor with you, huh?"
"Yeah," Riley said with a laugh. "What can I say, I like strong women. Case in point," he said, gesturing to Buffy.
She smiled at the compliment. "So, is that how you met?"
"We actually met at the gym. She was sparring with some guy, and she kicked his ass, so it really got my attention."
Buffy laughed before looking at her watch. "Oh my gosh, we've been here for an hour. I better get going," she said as she stood up.
Riley stood up with her. "I'm really glad we talked today, Buffy."
"Me, too," she said with a nod. "We didn't exactly end on the best terms…I'm really happy for you, though."
"Thanks," Riley said, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. He stayed where he was as he looked into Buffy's eyes. "You make sure your new boyfriend takes good care of you," he said before taking a step back.
Buffy gave him a bright smile. "I will. And next time you're in town, make sure to bring Sam by. I think I'll like her."
"I'm sure she'll like you, too. It was good seeing you, Buffy."
"You, too. Bye, Riley," she said with a wave as she started walking in the opposite direction.
Spike was walking back to his motorcycle after buying a pack of cigarettes when he looked across the street and saw Buffy and another man laughing at a table. He watched as they laughed together before Buffy glanced at her watch and stood.
Spike was about to walk over when he saw the man bend closer to her, angling his head to hers. He felt his heart drop when Buffy didn't pull away from him. After a few seconds, he watched as the man stepped back, and Buffy gave him a wide smile.
Spike gritted his teeth together as he walked away, his heart feeling like it was breaking.
Buffy sat in her apartment later that night, idly flipping through a magazine as she glanced at the clock every few seconds. Spike was over twenty minutes late picking her up for their date, and she was beginning to get worried.
She knew it wasn't a big deal if he wanted to back out- they were just going to the Bronze. But she knew he would have called if he was going to be late. She had tried calling him five minutes ago, and no one had answered. Nervously chewing on her bottom lip, Buffy made a decision.
Half an hour later, she was walking through the door of the Bronze. She figured on the walk there, that she must have gotten confused and she was supposed to meet Spike there. As she scanned the interior of the club, Buffy smiled when she saw him. Her smile quickly faded, though, as she saw him obviously flirting with another girl at the bar.
Making her way over to him, Buffy tapped him on the shoulder, surprised when he turned around and acknowledged her with a raised eyebrow.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"Nothing, Buffy. Why?"
"I-I just thought that we had a date tonight. Was I wrong?"
"Was that tonight?" he asked with a bored tone. "Sorry, luv, but I made other plans."
Buffy's eyes shot over to the other girl at the bar. She focused on her breathing as her lips tightened, trying to ignore the feeling of panic that was growing inside her. "Spike, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I already told you, Buffy, I made other plans tonight."
"Can we talk somewhere else?" she asked, hating herself for the pleading tone of her voice.
Spike let out a sigh. "I guess."
Buffy felt as if her heart stopped as she watched him swivel on his stool to kiss the other girl feeling a sense of relief set in that it was on the cheek, before turning and walking out of the club.
Buffy followed him into the empty alley. "What the hell is going on?"
"I've already answered that, pet," he said with his arms crossed over his chest. Buffy cringed at the scent of whiskey that seemed to roll off of him.
"Spike, I-I thought…I thought you liked me?"
"I never said I didn't. What did you think this was?"
'Don't do it, Buffy,' she told herself. 'You're stronger now, don't let him turn you into the victim that every other man has done in the past.'
She stared at him as her anger won out. "You're an asshole, do you know that?"
Spike clenched his jaw as his temper flared. In one quick movement, he grabbed Buffy's arms, shoving her roughly into the side of the building. Buffy felt the bricks scraping her back as he held her forcefully in place, but left her features expressionless as his face came within an inch of hers.
"Just because we had a little fun in the sack, that didn't mean that I was ready to marry you. It was a good time, Buffy. That's all."
Parker and Angel's voice came rushing back to her, combining with Spike's. She felt tears spring to her eyes, not from the tight hold on her arms, but because of how much he could hurt her with his words. "I thought you were different."
"Guess you thought wrong," he said with a slight shrug of his shoulders.
Buffy's eyes flashed as she looked at him. "Get your damn hands off me," she said through gritted teeth.
Spike smirked as he held her in place. "I thought you liked my hands on you."
"You had a lot of misconceptions of what I like," she said angrily. "Let go of me."
She realized it probably wasn't a good idea to make him any angrier, but she really didn't care at this point.
"Spike? What the hell are you doing?"
Both Buffy and Spike turned toward the voices, seeing William and Xander breaking into a run. As Spike was distracted, Buffy raised her arms and brought them down, hard, breaking his hold on her. Shoving him away from her, Buffy fought the tears in her eyes as she looked at him. "I hope she's worth it," she said softly. She saw the remorse that seemed to flash on his face, but ignored it as she walked away.
Xander and William met up with her. "Don't," she said quietly, holding up a hand. She couldn't make eye contact with them. "There's nothing to worry about."
They watched as Buffy walked out of the alley before turning to face Spike.
"Xander," William said in a low voice. "Go on in. Tell the others I'll be inside in a minute."
Xander did as he was told as William and Spike stared at each other before Will grabbed him by the collar of his duster, throwing him into the wall.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, you pillock?" Spike asked angrily as his brother held him in place.
"I'm doing the same thing you just did to Buffy. Now, you wanna be a good little boy and tell me what's going on, or do we do this the hard way?"
"It's none of your sodding business, mate," Spike said, trying to break free from his brother's hold.
"Maybe not, but when you hurt someone I care about, it soon becomes a problem for me."
"She'll be fine. It's not like I roughed her up."
Spike was shocked when Will's fist came out to land squarely on his jaw.
"Ow! Bloody hell!"
"You're about to get roughed up, little brother. Did you not see how much she was hurting? You left soddin' hand marks on her arms! You don't think she'll be bruised tomorrow? That her back won't be hurting from being shoved against a brick wall?"
To emphasize his point, Will pushed Spike harder against the wall. Seeing the look that flashed across his face, Will dropped his brother to the ground.
"Yeah…you hurt her, Spike," he said, looking down on him. "I can't believe I actually helped you. You don't deserve her."
Spike felt the tears spring to his eyes as William turned around and walked into the club. "I really don't," he whispered to himself.
Buffy didn't leave her apartment for a week. Her phone was unplugged, and her door stayed locked. All of her friends had tried to get in touch with her, but Buffy wouldn't answer anything.
Spike had stopped by the night of their fight, but Buffy refused to answer the door. He had stood outside for over an hour pleading with her to forgive him. Buffy eventually closed herself in the bathroom with the water running so she wouldn't hear him.
Now, a week later, Buffy stepped out of her bathtub and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Shadows tinted the skin under her eyes. She had lost some weight since she had hardly eaten anything since that night. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. Buffy took a deep breath and quickly dressed in a pair of white cotton pants and a black tank top. She would call her friends tomorrow, let them know that she was still alive. Tonight, she just wanted to relax. She hadn't done that, even though she'd been home for so long. She was always too anxious, thinking about that night. She also needed to go see her mom and sister. They were probably getting worried about her as well.
Buffy took her hair down, running a comb through it before she opened the door and wandered down the hall and into the living room. Looking up when she entered the room, Buffy froze.
Spike stood in the middle of her living room with his hands shoved in his pockets, nervously biting his lower lip.
"H-how…"
"Will gave me the key, luv. We were- I was worried about you."
Buffy felt herself losing air as she stared at him. "Why didn't he use it himself?" she asked quietly.
"Because I begged him to let me be the one to come check on you." Spike fearfully licked his lips as he took a step toward her. "Buffy-"
He stopped when he saw her flatten herself against the wall behind her. Spike shut his eyes against the tears he felt. "Luv, please don't be scared of me," he pleaded in a choked voice, stepping toward her. He let his tears fall when he reached out to gently caress her cheek, and she turned away from him, trembling at having him so close. "I won't hurt you, baby," Spike said in a hoarse whisper.
"But you did!" she cried as she looked at him. "You hurt me, Spike!" Spike soothingly tried to cup her face in his hands, only to be pushed away. "Don't," she said quietly. "Don't touch me."
"I'm sorry," Spike said earnestly. "I would never hit you, baby. Never!"
"You didn't have to," she said, looking into his eyes. "Why do that when you can just scare me, right?"
"Buffy, I promise, baby, I'll never do that again."
"It wasn't just that, Spike. You were on a date with someone else!"
"Only because you kissed someone else," he said quietly, looking down at the floor.
"What?"
"I saw you that day, Buffy. With another man."
"Riley," Buffy said with a nod of understanding. "I didn't kiss him, though. He kissed me on the cheek when he said good-bye." Spike looked up in surprise. "Yeah…I didn't do anything, Spike. He's married. You're the one who's guilty."
"Buffy-"
Spike froze again as Buffy tried to get away from him. Taking a deep breath, he continued, "I didn't know, I'm-"
"Well then, why didn't you ask me?" she asked angrily. "Why just assume the worst?"
"I don't know," he admitted quietly. "I want to be with you, Buffy."
"No, you don't," she said with clenched teeth. "You don't want to be with me, I was just a 'good time', remember?"
"Baby, I didn't mean that. I was just angry."
"Well, guess what? I'm angry now, so do me a favor and go back to your new girl."
"I don't have a new girl. You're my girl."
"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. "If that was true, you never would have done any of it. You hurt me, Spike. Physically…and emotionally. And you scared me."
"What can I do?" he asked tearfully. "Please, let me make it up to you."
Buffy felt her heart breaking as she tried to close off her emotions. She shook her head as tears clouded her vision. "Nothing," she whispered. "There's nothing you can do…just…please leave now."
"I can't," Spike whispered. "I'm in love with you."
Buffy's eyes snapped up to his as he said it. "Please don't…"
Spike took a step forward, gently running his fingers through her hair. "I love you," he whispered, pressing his forehead to hers as tears streaked down his cheeks.
Before Buffy knew what was happening, his mouth descended to meet hers. Tenderly caressing his lips against Buffy's, his tongue lightly licked at her lips, asking for entrance. Buffy moaned as he deepened the kiss before she pushed him away. "No, Spike. You can't do that! You can't just kiss me and expect the problems to go away!"
Spike stared at her as she spoke. "I'm not expecting them to go away," he said softly. "I'm trying to make it up to you. I love you," he repeated, looking sincerely into her eyes. "I'm not expecting you to say it back, but I needed you to know how I feel. I'm not giving you up without a fight, baby."
Buffy seemed to pause for a moment. "I don't want you drinking anymore…ever."
"If that's what it takes to prove how much I love you, then I'll do it."
Buffy felt tears spring to her eyes at his honesty. Slowly, she took a step toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulled him down for a reassuring hug. Both needing the comfort it provided. Pulling away after a moment, she stared intensely at him. "I'm not forgiving you yet," she said in an unconvincing tone as she gave a slight shake of her head. "But I believe you. If you ever do that-"
"I won't," he replied sternly.
"If you ever do that again," Buffy continued. "That's it. It's over…no going back after that."
Spike nodded in understanding as he wrapped her in another fierce hug. "I'll never hurt you again, baby…I promise. Never again," he trailed off in a whisper.
Spike buried his face in the crook of her neck, letting the last of his tears fall as she tightened her hold on him. "I know."
Feelings
Spike held Buffy in his arms for as long as he could. When she slowly pulled away from him, he saw the tears shimmering in her eyes. Spike lovingly stroked her cheek as he stared down at her. "I love you, Buffy," he whispered again, his voice thick with emotion.
"Don't," Buffy said, shaking her head. At his dejected look, she continued, "I believe you, just please don't tell me that right now."
Spike nodded. "Do you mind if I stay for a while?"
"Spike, I-"
"I'll go if you want me to, I just-"
"Stay," she whispered, looking up at him. "I want this to work, and if it's going to…you need to be here."
Spike slowly shrugged out of his duster, laying it across a nearby chair. "Do you want to watch a movie, luv?" he asked, wanting to get back to the normalcy of their relationship.
Buffy smiled. "That sounds good. You pick," she said as she headed to the kitchen.
"Okay," Spike said, clapping his hands together. "What's your pleasure? We have horror, action, comedy, romance, classics, drama-"
"Drama," Buffy called from the kitchen as she began making popcorn. A few minutes later, Buffy walked back into the living room, bowl in hand and two soda cans. "So, what's the verdict?" she asked as she sat down on the couch. Spike sat next to her but made sure to keep a safe distance.
"Silence of the Lambs."
Buffy raised an eyebrow at his choice.
"Hey!" Spike said indignantly. "It's a good movie, and you're the one who has the DVD, so don't give me that look."
Buffy gave him a small smile. "You're right, I'm sorry."
Ten minutes after the popcorn was gone, Spike was ignoring the movie. The silent debate he was having with himself was distracting him. He ached to be closer to Buffy, his body seemed to pull him toward her, but he couldn't. He was already pushing his luck by being here- he couldn't risk getting her upset at him again.
As the argument went on in his head, he almost didn't notice when Buffy moved closer to him, snuggling into his side. Spike breathed a sigh of relief that he was able to touch her again as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
Halfway through the movie, Buffy and Spike found themselves lying side by side on the couch. Spike's arm was wrapped securely around her waist while her hand lazily traced over his arm.
Spike gently pulled his arm away from her as he let his fingertips run over the bare skin of her arm. It was smooth and not as tan as it used to be, and as Spike stared at it, he couldn't help the emotions that came over him as he watched the pattern his hand was moving in.
"I'm sorry."
Buffy rolled over to face him when she heard the hoarse whisper. Seeing the tears in his eyes, she reached a hand up to his face. "Spike, what's wrong?"
"I never meant to hurt you, Buffy," he mumbled as tears streamed down his face.
"You already told me, Spike. I believe you," Buffy said gently.
"I can't make up excuses, luv. I was being a wanker about a situation you had no control over…I never meant to lose my temper like that."
"I know," Buffy said quietly. "I know that wasn't you. You were jealous and angry. Those two things together are unmixy." Spike smiled at her choice of words. "Besides," Buffy continued. "I was partly to blame. I shouldn't have gone out with Riley without telling you. I wouldn't have been happy seeing you out with an ex-girlfriend."
"Buffy, I don't want you to feel like you have to ask permission to do something. I don't want to control you…I just want you to be in my life."
"I'm here," Buffy said softly. "And as much as I've wished I could…I'm not going anywhere."
"Do you still wish it, pet?" Spike asked with fear in his eyes.
"Right now," she said, snuggling deeper into his arms. "There's no place I'd rather be."
"Were you…" Spike trailed off as he tried to reign in his emotions. "Were you in a lot of pain?"
Buffy pulled back to look into his eyes. "Yes," she said quietly. "But not physically, if that's what you mean."
"Bloody hell, I wish I could take that day back," Spike said in a gravelly voice as he rolled onto his back, squeezing his eyes shut and pinching the bridge of his nose.
"We can't," Buffy said softly. "But maybe it was good that it happened."
"How can me acting like a pillock be good?" Spike asked, looking at her.
Well…if you reacted like that, I know that you feel something for me. You're passionate, Spike, and I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't scare me, but I trust you. Not that I want that reaction ever again," she added as an afterthought. "But out of something so horrible, it made you realize you love me.
"I do love you, baby. More than anything," he replied as he nuzzled into her neck.
"I know," she whispered, her fingers lacing through his. "I believe you."
Buffy woke up before sunrise the next morning. She and Spike were still entwined on the couch, arms and legs tangled together. The TV screen had turned blue, providing the only light in the room. Buffy rearranged herself, turning her body into Spike's chest and breathing in his unique scent. She smiled as his arms tightened around her, pulling her even closer.
Looking at his face, Buffy reached a hand up to trace the distinct lines. She was careful not to wake him up, but she smiled when he stirred slightly. After a few minutes, Buffy stopped her movements and leaned back slightly to stare at him. She knew that she was falling for him…and it scared her.
Buffy realized that he meant what he said. He did love her, and he never meant to hurt her, but if she completely let herself go, would she be able to recover if it didn't work? When Angel had left her, Buffy felt like she was dying. When she thought she'd lost Spike, she felt like her heart had been ripped out. What would happen if she let herself love him?
'Assuming you already don't.'
Buffy sighed, knowing that it was true. Otherwise, why would it have affected her so much when she thought he was gone? Why did she so readily accept him back into her life?
"What's wrong, baby?"
Buffy looked up and saw those startling blue eyes staring back at her. She put on a smile for his benefit. "Just thinking."
"Anything interesting?" he asked as his hand came up to run his fingertips along her cheek.
"Not really," Buffy replied, averting her eyes from him.
"Buffy," Spike said softly. "You can tell me."
"I'm scared," she whispered.
"Of what, pet?" he asked as his hands ran through her long hair.
"You." She felt Spike tense up, his body freezing at her admission. "Not like that," Buffy added quickly. "That's not what I meant."
Spike seemed to relax a little as he pulled her closer. "What did you mean?"
"I'm scared of how I'm feeling."
"About me?" he asked with a tinge of hope in his voice.
Buffy raised her eyes to his and nodded.
"Buffy…don't worry about it, okay? I don't want you to push yourself to try and fall in love with me. That's not why I told you."
"What if I already am?" she asked quietly, moving her eyes to Spike's chest, not sure if she should have said it.
Spike was silent for a long time until finally Buffy raised her eyes to his. "Are you?" he whispered in a hoarse voice.
Buffy swallowed hard. "I…"
Buffy gasped as she felt Spike's lips on hers. His fingers running through her hair to gently hold her to him as his tongue probed her lips, begging access. When her mouth opened slightly, Buffy moaned as his tongue danced with hers. The kiss escalated with more passion before Spike breathlessly pulled away. "I can wait, Buffy," he said in a husky voice. "I don't need to hear you say it. I can wait."
Buffy nodded gratefully, her feelings already spiraling out of control at his patience and obvious love for her. "Thank you," she whispered before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.
Starting Over
Buffy quickly put the finishing touches on her make-up when she heard the knock at the door. It had been two weeks since she and Spike made up, and he had been making a conscious effort in their relationship, coming over most nights to watch movies with her or just enjoying the company of each other.
Buffy went to the door and pulled it open to reveal Spike in a black suit and a black tie with a royal blue shirt. Buffy was practically drooling as she looked at him.
"Wow," she murmured as Spike entered the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
"Wow is right," he said softly as he looked at the little black dress that clung to her figure. Pulling her into his arms, Spike softly nuzzled her neck. "You almost ready, luv?"
"Yeah," she replied as her arms twined around his neck. Tilting her head back, Spike caught her lips in a passionate kiss, tightening his grip around her waist as his tongue stroked against hers.
Buffy pulled away, breathless, after a minute, looking up into his eyes. "You sure you don't want to just stay in tonight?" she asked with a grin.
"We'll get to that later, pet," Spike answered with a smirk. "I promised you a night out, and you're going to get it."
Buffy nodded, pressing her lips to his again for a chaste kiss, before Spike led her out the door. Buffy frowned when they walked out of the complex and Spike led her over to a brand new, red Mustang. "What's this?"
"It's a car," he replied with a smile.
"Did you sell the motorcycle?" she asked in disbelief. Spike nodded as he opened her door. Buffy turned around to face him with a puzzled expression.
"It was time for me to grow up, pet," he said softly.
"Spike, you didn't do this for me, did you?" she asked worriedly.
Spike reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "No, luv. I've been thinking about it for a while, and now seemed like the best time." Bending down, he gave her a soft, loving kiss. "I think it's time I get my life together."
"Your life is together," she said softly as she wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him closer. "You have a job you enjoy, a home, friends…me," she trailed off in a whisper as she looked into his eyes.
Spike smiled, gently trailing his hand down her cheek. "Alright then," he said as he helped her into the Mustang. "The car is just a bonus."
Buffy and Spike sat in the restaurant, laughing and sipping wine as they talked. They had been there for over three hours, and both were having such a good time, neither was ready to leave.
Buffy stared across the table at Spike. The room was bathed in soft candlelight that seemed to dance over the hollows and planes of his face. He was watching her with so much love and adoration in his eyes, Buffy felt herself blushing at the intensity of his stare.
Spike broke eye contact to look around the dim interior. "I think we're about to close the place. You ready to go, luv?"
Buffy nodded, smiling at him as he jumped from his seat to offer his hand to her. Buffy stood, feeling his lips on hers for the briefest moment, before he settled her hand in the crook of his arm to lead her out of the restaurant.
Spike noticed the shiver that raced down her spine when they stepped into the cool night air. Quickly shrugging out of his coat, he wrapped it around her slender form, turning to face her and pull it tight in the front. Buffy smiled up at him, pleased with the thoughtful gesture as his lips claimed hers in a passionate kiss.
Pulling away after a few moments, Buffy stared into his eyes. They almost seemed cobalt from where they stood in the shadows.
"I love you, Spike."
Spike's eyes widened at the admission, tilting his head slightly as if he was trying to be sure of what she said.
Buffy giggled. "Did you hear me, silly?"
"I did," he replied in a hoarse whisper before a brilliant smile took over his features. "I love you too, baby."
Buffy squealed as she was lifted up in strong arms and spun around the parking lot. She felt slightly dizzy when Spike put her on her feet again. The dizziness only escalated when his lips met hers in another searing kiss.
"Let's go home, luv," Spike whispered when they pulled away.
Buffy nodded, giggling again when he scooped her up in his arms again, carrying her to the car.
Buffy and Spike barely made it through the front door before they began undressing each other. As Buffy's dress fell from her body, she found herself against the wall as Spike pushed himself against her.
Their lips were fused together as Buffy frantically began working with his tie and the buttons of his shirt as Spike hurriedly undressed himself from the waist down. Pulling back to look into her lust-filled eyes, Spike quickly stripped her thong from her body, satisfied that they were both naked.
"Bedroom?" he asked in a husky voice.
Buffy shook her head, wrapping her arms around his neck and locking her legs behind his back as she kissed him again. Both moaned as he penetrated her, staring into each other's eyes as Spike slowly pushed into her. For all their overzealous attitude in getting undressed, Buffy was surprised that he was being so tender now.
She gasped when he was fully sheathed inside of her, breathing heavily as he stopped, letting her get used to him. After a moment, both moaned as Spike began to slowly thrust into her, building the friction in both of them. Buffy kissed him as his thrusts sped up, repeatedly pushing her against the wall as they moved together.
Buffy felt all the air leave her body as she was taken by surprise when a small orgasm raced through her body unexpectedly. Opening her eyes and gasping for breath, she saw the smile playing on Spike's lips as he continued to move in and out of her body. "Proud of yourself?" she asked breathlessly.
"Not yet," he murmured as his lips brushed against her neck, sending chills racing down her spine. "But I will be soon."
Buffy cried out in pleasure and surprise as she felt him completely leave her body before slamming back into her. She clutched at his back, feeling the tightening in her stomach signaling her impending climax as she pushed back against him.
Spike gripped her hips harder as he changed the angle of his thrusts, pleased with himself when Buffy began writhing against him, visibly losing control.
"Spike!" Buffy screamed as she felt her body begin to hum in pleasure before feeling herself fall over the edge, pleasure coursing through her as she and Spike moved together.
Spike's breathing quickened as he sought out his own release. Buffy tightened her grip on his neck, pulling herself closer to him, trailing kisses up the length of his jaw. When she got to his ear, Buffy couldn't help but smile as she licked the tender lobe, enjoying Spike's groan.
When she felt him begin to tire, Buffy repeated the action before whispering, "I love you."
Spike began pulsing inside of her, the whispered words sending him over the edge as he wrapped his arms securely around her body. Both laid their heads on each other's shoulders as they tried to catch their breath.
Taking a deep breath, Spike turned and walked over to the couch. Dropping back onto it without ever leaving her body, he smiled as Buffy giggled when she found herself straddling him before laying her head down on his chest. Spike's hands trailed erratic patterns over the bare skin of her back, sending chills through her as he kissed the top of her head.
Buffy propped her chin against his chest as she raised her eyes to meet his. Reaching up to run a hand through his hair, loosening some of the curls that were still slicked back, she gave him a small smile. "I love you, so much," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears at the emotions she was feeling for him.
Spike briefly closed his eyes, swallowing hard at the words that he had only dreamed of hearing her say. "I love you, too, Buffy," he whispered against the lump in his throat. Buffy smiled and raised an eyebrow when she felt his length harden inside of her. Spike bit his lip, grinning at her as she wiggled in place. "I think it's going to be a long night, luv."
Buffy smiled before meeting his lips in a tender kiss.
Epilogue - 1 Year Later
Buffy laughed as Spike chased her through the ocean surf, squealing when she felt his strong arm catch her around the waist and spin her around in circles, kicking up water as they laughed. She quickly wriggled out of his grasp, running back to their friends, spread out around the picnic area they had out.
Xander and Faith sat, arguing about some mundane issue, while Anya and William lay side by side, stretched out to watch the sun begin to set.
It had taken a while, but eventually William and Spike had gotten over their issues, forming a friendship again. It had taken even longer for everyone to feel comfortable being in the same area together, but once they had all gone out together a few times, they found it easier.
Buffy and Anya had even formed a tentative friendship, once Buffy got used to Anya's very direct way of speaking, and Anya was assured that Buffy was in love with Spike.
Out of breath, Buffy collapsed on the blanket next to Faith as Spike came up behind her, laying down as well. She smiled when she heard Anya and Faith begin a conversation on how to achieve the perfect orgasm.
"Got any tips for them, luv?" Spike whispered, panting slightly from running for the last ten minutes.
"Nope," Buffy said, rolling over to face him as she gently traced the jagged scar on his eyebrow. He's acquired it a few months ago, working at the construction site, giving him an even more rugged look than he already had. "They're on their own, because my secret is you…and I sure as hell won't share."
Spike chuckled, leaning in to leave a gentle kiss on her lips. The three couples separated after a few minutes. Anya and William walked hand in hand along the beach while Faith and Xander went to play in the water.
Spike sat up, dragging Buffy into a sitting position and pulling her onto his lap. Buffy leaned her head back against his bare chest as Spike rested his chin on her shoulder, his arms encircling her waist, holding her to him protectively. Both stayed quiet as they watched the sunset begin to turn more vivid, the brilliant colors casting a glow over the happy couple.
"Marry me."
Buffy turned slowly to face Spike, not sure if she heard him right. "What did you say?" she asked, a slight smile on her lips.
"Marry me," he repeated, kissing her neck.
"Are you serious?" Buffy asked, turning to fully face him.
"Completely," Spike said, staring deeply into her eyes. "Will you?"
Buffy paused for a moment before a huge smile took over her face. "Of course," she said, leaning forward to press her lips to his. The move was so forceful, Spike soon found himself laying in the sand as her lips attacked his.
Pulling away, Spike tenderly pushed the hair out of her face as he stared into the eyes of the woman he loved. "I'm going to make you so happy, baby."
Buffy snuggled closer to him, kissing his cheek. "You already have."
The End
Note: I've gotten quite a few e-mails and a couple of reviews from people, wondering what Spike's real name would have been. I didn't write it, because I thought it would have been a bit too tongue-in-cheek. For those wondering, it probably would have ended up being James. The other option was Randy, but Spike never looked like a Randy to me :-) Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing. I should have a new WIP out soon.