"Take My Breath Away"
Author: Michelle
Email: michellabella52478@yahoo.com
When visiting hours began again at nine the next morning, Willow made a point of going to the hospital before work to see her best friend. After Angel left her room the day before, he'd informed her Buffy wasn't feeling up to having any visitors, and that she'd all but kicked him out so she could get some rest. Though she couldn't understand what Buffy was going through, she hoped she could be of some comfort to the grieving girl.
"Hi, Buffy," Willow greeted shyly, hoping she wasn't intruding on her friend's rest.
The blonde glanced up from the tray of food in front of her. She'd been staring at it for the past ten minutes, not feeling up to eating the soggy scrambled eggs and limp bacon. "Wills," Buffy responded, smiling softly at the sight of her friend. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see how you were doing. Angel told me what happened. I'm so sorry, I know how much you wanted that baby."
"H-How much d-did he tell you?" she stammered.
Willow sat down in the chair next to the bed. "Just that you were pregnant. I was there when the doctor told him about your miscarriage."
"Oh." Buffy was somewhat relieved Willow didn't know the whole sordid tale. She didn't know if she could handle looking into another pair of disappointed eyes. Seeing Angel's had nearly torn her to pieces the day before.
"I know that you were having my brother's baby, Buffy. You should know he's taking the loss just as hard as you are."
"Angel told you about us?" she accused.
The redhead shook her head. It wasn't difficult for her to see how upset Buffy was that she knew. "No, I figured it out on my own. I had my suspicions that something was going on between you two, but I didn't have any solid proof until I saw how devastated Angel was when the doctor told him about the miscarriage. He's in love with you, I hope you know that."
Buffy ran her left hand through her straggly hair. It hadn't been brushed since the day before, not that she particularly cared what she looked like. She didn't care about anything. "I know he does."
"Do you?"
The last thing she wanted to talk about was Angel, and her relationship with him. Too many things were jumbled up in her head to deal with it. "I can't talk about it right now. I'm not up to it," Buffy answered.
"I don't get it, Buffy. You either love my brother or you don't. Which is it?"
Before Buffy had an opportunity to respond, a tall blonde man came rushing into the hospital room. "Buffy! Oh my god, what happened?" he demanded.
Her face broke out into a huge smile upon seeing her visitor. Willow's question had been completely forgotten. "Daddy! What are you doing here?"
"Your friend Angel called me and said you'd been admitted to the hospital," Hank Summers explained. "He thought seeing me might cheer you up."
Pressing her lips together, Buffy nodded and tried to blink away the tears burning her eyes. "He thought right."
Seeing that she was intruding on a private father-daughter moment, Willow stood up and walked out the door. It was obvious to her Buffy needed to spend time with her father. Their conversation could wait until later.
"Honey, what happened?" he questioned. "All Angel told me was that you were here. Is everything okay? No, that was a stupid question. If everything was fine you wouldn't have spent the night at the hospital."
"I don't want you to be mad at me."
"Never, Buffy. Nothing you could do would ever make me mad at you."
She took a deep breath before telling her father about the baby, mostly because she didn't know how he'd take the news. "I was pregnant, Dad. That's why I'm here, because I lost my baby."
He only nodded, not able to say much of anything at first. It was beyond his realm of comprehension – his baby was having a baby. No, she wasn't; she'd lost it. So Mr. Summers said the first thing that came into his mind. "Was it Riley's baby? Did that bastard get you pregnant and break up with you?" he wanted to know.
"No! God no. It wasn't Riley's baby. It was...I wanted this child. It was *my* baby. I wanted someone to take care of after Dawn left and I couldn't even do that right. I messed it up. The baby wasn't gr-growing where it was supposed to b-be and I-I miscarried it. I'm a failure as a mother!"
Mr. Summers embraced his daughter, feeling her tremble in his arms. He'd never seen her so fragile, even when her mother passed away. "You're not a failure, sweetie. The timing just wasn't right. But don't go blaming yourself. You're young, you'll have lots of children."
"Thank you for coming over, Angel," Mr. Summers said that evening. He'd called the young man shortly after dinner and asked him to come over to the house.
Angel nodded, shoving his hands nervously into the pockets of his jeans. Truth be told, he'd been terrified on the walk over, thinking Buffy's father had invited him over to demand an explanation for his daughter's pregnancy. "I live right down the street, it was no trouble at all. What can I do for you?"
"I know you and Buffy have gotten close since you came back to town," the older man started. "You're the only person aside from Willow I could think to call. She was released from the hospital this afternoon and I was hoping you'd be able to spend the night with Buffy."
His brown eyes widened. "You w-want me to spend the night with her?' he asked incredulously.
"I have to drive back to Los Angeles; I have an important business meeting in the morning I'm unable to reschedule. I thought you might be able to stay here to keep her company. The last thing I want to do is leave her alone tonight," Mr. Summers told him. "I hope I'm not asking too much of you."
"Not at all. I'd be happy to stay here with her. Truthfully, I would have anyway if you hadn't come back to Sunnydale."
"Well, I appreciate you looking out for Buffy like that, Angel. Let her know I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I'm planning to take the rest of the week off and stay here with her. Um...she's upstairs taking a shower. She should be out any minute now."
He smiled and nodded. "Thanks."
"No, thank you."
Angel waited until he saw Mr. Summers back out of the driveway before he ventured upstairs. He'd heard the water turn off a short while before, so he thought he'd find Buffy in the bathroom, but instead he found an empty, steam-filled room. Heading in the other direction, he stopped in front of her bedroom door and tapped on it lightly.
"It's open, Dad," she called from the other side.
He opened the door, seeing Buffy standing with her back to him, wearing a white terrycloth robe. "It's me," Angel announced.
She turned around, completely stunned. "Angel," she said. "Wh-What are you doing here?"
"Your father called and asked if I could stay here tonight. He didn't want to leave you alone."
"I see."
He sensed the disappointment in her voice. "If your dad hadn't shown up, Buffy, I'd have stayed here anyway. You shouldn't have to be alone right now. I know I don't want to be alone."
"I'm okay. Really."
'I'm not,' he thought. Though she was putting on a brave front, Angel knew she wasn't okay. "Can we sit down?" he asked her.
"Sure." She followed him to the bed and carefully sat down next to him. "What's with the dire? You have 'something' face."
He swallowed audibly. It had been running through his mind since the previous night. Remembering his love sitting in a hospital bed, grieving for their lost child – and the fear of possibly losing her – put things into perspective for him. His future was clear, and Buffy Summers was it. "I know I've told you this before. Hell, I've told you this probably a million times. I love you, Buffy. More than anyone who came before you and more than anyone who'll ever come after."
Angel clutched her tiny hands in his and stared deeply into her green eyes. "What we lost today can never be replaced. It doesn't change how much I love you. Actually, yes it does. I love you more. Losing our baby has made me realize how much more I love you, and how much I need you in my life. Not only as a lover, or a friend. I want something more permanent between us. Buffy, I want to marry you."
Buffy stared at him blankly, trying to wrap her mind around what Angel had just said to her. He wanted to marry her. 'No. No, he can't want to marry me. It isn't possible,' she thought. 'I must be hearing things.' "What did you s-say?"
"You heard me. I love you and I want to marry you."
"Why?"
Angel didn't know how to take her reaction. Was she in shock? Or did she simply not fully understand how much he cared about her and wanted to be with her? "Buffy, I just told you why. Because I'm in love with you. Because I need you in my life. And I want my life to be with you."
She looked down at her hands, which were still clutched in Angel's. "I don't," she whispered.
"What?"
Gathering the courage to look him in the eye, Buffy did so with her heart pounding in her chest. "I said I don't. I can't marry you, Angel."
"I don't understand," he stated, very confused. "Did I not say it right? No, I didn't. I don't have a ring, not yet anyway. And you deserve a proper proposal. I guess I'll just have to wing it for now." Still holding her hands in his, Angel slid off the bed and dropped to one knee in front of Buffy. "Buffy Anne Summers, will you marry me?"
She wanted to say yes; the selfish part of her screamed to accept his proposal. The eighteen-year-old girl who'd been infatuated with him begged her to say yes and make all of her dreams come true. But the heartbroken twenty-three year-old she'd become simply couldn't do it. "Please don't do this. Stand up," she ordered.
"Don't you understand what's going on here? I'm down on one knee asking you to be my wife. I don't do this every day. What's wrong? Why won't you say yes?"
"Because I can't. I can't marry you."
Angel stood up, dropping her hands. "Why can't you? I love you, and I know you love me. What's the problem?"
Unable to face his probing stare, Buffy got up and walked to her bedroom window. She looked out into the starry sky and prayed to whomever would listen to give her the strength not to cry in front of Angel. For once in her life, she wanted to be strong. "I'm the problem," she choked out. "It's not you, it's me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I can't be someone's wife, especially yours. I'm not ready for it. I can't handle it," Buffy explained.
"Buffy, I'm not asking you to marry me tomorrow. We're talking months from now. Or years, whenever you're ready. I just want to be with you."
"Don't you get it?" she shouted, finally turning back to look at him. Her face turned bright red and tears spilled out of the corners of her eyes. 'Screw being strong.' "I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready! One thing's for sure – I'm not cut out to be a mother. I couldn't even do that right! Who's to say I won't be a screw-up as a wife, too? You deserve better than me. You should be with someone who can give you what you need."
"You're the only thing I need," Angel pleaded. "You're all I think about, you and the child we lost. Losing the baby wasn't your fault, Buffy. There was nothing you could have done differently that would've changed what happened. Nobody's saying you aren't cut out to be a mother, just that this wasn't the right time for it to happen. There's always next time."
Buffy shook her head. "No there won't. I'm not going through this again. I can't lose someone else. I am never going to be a mother, and I'm not ready to be a wife. Can't you just accept that I'm defective?"
"Defective?" he repeated. "That's complete bullshit and you know it. Don't say things like that, it scares the hell out of me. You're going to have lots of opportunities to have children. Women lose babies all the time, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them. You can't give up on being a mother. And I don't want that to be the reason you turn down my marriage proposal."
"Just stop it."
He bridged the distance between them, reaching out to hold her. "Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you; why you're suddenly talking like a crazy person."
"Go away, Angel. I don't want you here. Let me grieve for my baby in private."
"Your baby?" he asked in astonishment. "That wasn't just *your* baby, it was *our* baby. Yours and mine. Don't you think I'm grieving, too? Trust me, I am. I cried myself to sleep last night because of the miscarriage. So don't tell me you need to grieve in private. Grieve with me; we'll get through it together."
"Grieve with you? How can I grieve with you? You didn't even care about the baby, not like I did! I wanted this baby so I could love it and take care of it. You only wanted to get close to me, to get me into bed. Don't you remember telling me that yesterday at the hospital? You used my desperation for a child as an excuse to have sex with me. So don't you dare tell me that you're grieving for the same thing I am. The two don't even compare."
"Buffy, you know I love you, and I loved our baby. I've loved you for the better part of a decade. Maybe at first I did use the baby to get close to you, but that all changed when you found out you were pregnant. I wanted that baby because it was equal parts you and me. It was something beautiful we made together. The best thing I'd ever done in my life." Angel took a deep breath. He knew he was going to hate himself for what he was about to say, but he needed to get through to her. "You know something, Buff, I wasn't the only one who used someone to get what they wanted. As I recall, you used me, too. You used me to impregnate you."
She stiffened her jaw at his words. He was right, though she hated admitting it to him. "Get out of my room, Angel. Get the hell out."
"I'm sorry if the truth hurts. Yes, the two of us used one another to get what we wanted, but we both succeeded. Don't you see that? We made something beautiful together, something precious and perfect, and now all that has led us here. Here to me standing before the woman I love more than life itself, asking her to be my wife."
"You succeeded, not me. You got me in your bed, you got me to fall in love with you all over again. Congratulations. I got nothing," she spat angrily. "Did you hear me? Nothing! I lost the one thing I wanted more than anything, and now I'm getting a pity proposal. I don't want it. This was supposed to be no-strings-attached. I didn't ask you to ask me to marry you. Like I said, I don't want your pity."
Angel shook his head. "It's not a pity proposal. I love you and I *do* want to marry you. But if you can tell me you don't love me, and make me believe it, I'll leave you alone to grieve. Say it, Buffy. Say you don't love me and I'll go away forever."
She glanced out the window once again. "I do love you. I just can't marry you. Or anyone. I'm supposed to be alone, so get out and let me be alone."
With a sigh, he pressed a kiss to the top of Buffy's head and walked out the bedroom door. She'd said she still loved him; it filled him with hope that once her initial grieving passed she'd accept his proposal. And his love.
After Angel closed the door behind him as he left, Buffy opened her bedroom window and climbed out onto the roof. She needed fresh air in order to think, in order to clear her head. What she'd said to Angel had hurt her just as much as it hurt him, possibly moreso. Her words weren't necessarily the truth, but it was how she felt at the time. She did feel defective, like she'd failed as a mother and as a lover. Buffy felt as if she couldn't do anything right.
She pulled her knees up to her chest, ignoring the fact that she was only wearing a terrycloth robe and a pair of cotton bikini panties. All she wanted to do was call out to Angel and beg him to come back so she could cry on his shoulder for their lost child. She knew that he felt the loss as strongly as she did; her angry words cut her like a knife.
"Angel," she sobbed, dropping her head to her knees and crying. "Oh god, I'm so sorry. I-I do love you. I really wish I could marry you. I'm just not meant to be someone's wife. Or mother."
From inside the house she heard the telephone ringing. She carefully went back inside her bedroom window, picking up the phone on the fourth ring. Whoever it was, Buffy was sure she didn't want to talk to them. "Hello?" she asked unenthusiastically.
"Buffy? It's Dawn. Are you okay?" her younger sister questioned on the other end of the line.
"What?"
"Dad called me this morning and left a message saying you were in the hospital overnight. What happened? Were you in an accident or something?"
The blonde sighed heavily, wiping a stray tear from her eye. "No, nothing like that, Dawnie. It-It was nothing. I don't want you to worry about me."
"Sorry if I do. And it sounds like it was more than nothing. You were in the hospital! Tell me what happened."
"I told you, I'm fine."
But Dawn wasn't convinced by her sister's assurances. She knew Buffy well enough to know when something was wrong. And when she was trying to hide it. "All right, if you're not going to tell me, I guess I'll just have to hop on the next flight to Sunnydale and see for myself."
"Dawn, I don't want you to miss school because of me. I don't need you here."
"Then tell me. Right now."
Once again, Buffy sighed. There was no arguing with Dawn; the dark-haired girl was just as stubborn as she was. "Fine. But you have to promise me you won't leave school when I tell you."
"All right, I promise. What is it?"
"I had a miscarriage."
Dawn raised her eyebrows in surprise at her sister's admission. Buffy...pregnant? "A miscarriage? Buffy, you were pregnant? When? How?"
"I'd found out about a week ago. It was...I was about a month or so along. I wasn't even scheduled for my first obstetrician appointment until next week. God, Dawn, I was so happy, I wanted the baby so badly and now it's gone," Buffy explained.
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea. Are you sure you don't need me to come home?"
She shook her head. "I'll be okay, stay where you are. The last thing I want is for you to miss out on school because of me."
Dawn knew her sister wouldn't be happy if she showed up unannounced on the front doorstep. "Okay. You have to tell me something, though. Who's the father? I didn't even know you'd been seeing anyone after Riley - after he left you." 'Except for that guy I heard over the phone that morning.'
"No one, Dawn. He's nobody you know, not that it matters anyhow. Whatever he and I might have had is over," Buffy told her. 'All because of me. It doesn't matter.'
"Did he hurt you? It wasn't Riley, was it? 'Cause I'll kill him if it was."
"Trust me, it wasn't Riley. And, no, he didn't hurt me. I broke things off with him."
"Did he know about the baby?"
Buffy's lower lip trembled. The image of Angel down on one knee proposing to her was still imbedded in her mind, and it made her want to burst into a fresh batch of tears. She'd hurt him terribly, not that she could take back her hateful words, no matter how much she wanted to. "Yeah, Dawn, he knew. He's...he's taking the news of my miscarriage as well as I am."
"Not well, huh?"
"Not at all. He asked me to marry him. Got down on one knee and said he loved me, then proposed. And do you know what I said? I said no. I told him I'm not ready to be someone's wife. Then I yelled at him and made him leave."
"Did you love him?
"Yes," she answered, blinking away her tears. "I loved him more than I ever loved anybody. I still love him. And I broke his heart in a million pieces. I *do* want to marry him, I just can't. I said all sorts of mean things to him and now he probably hates me."
Back in New York, Dawn frowned. She hated being on the other side of the country when her older sister obviously needed her. "I doubt he hates you. If he loves you, he'll understand that you need some time. Maybe you should talk to him, share your grief. It's not good to keep things bottled inside, Buffy. Eventually, it'll explode."
When Buffy woke up the next morning, she detected the smell of cooking eggs and frying bacon. Very confused, she crawled out of bed, put on a pair of slippers and headed down the stairs to the kitchen. A small part of her expected to find her mother in front of the stove, but she knew that wasn't to be. So when she found Angel there, Buffy didn't know what to think.
"What are you doing here?" she demanded.
Angel turned around and gave her a small smile. "I'm making us breakfast. I woke up starving and figured you'd be, too. So I whipped up some scrambled eggs and bacon and toast. Do you want orange or apple juice with your breakfast?"
"What I want is to be left alone, I told you that last night. I can't believe you broke into my house," she accused.
"I never left," he informed her. "I spent the night sleeping on your couch."
"What gives you the right?"
He couldn't understand why Buffy was so upset. All he was doing was try to help her out. "Your father asked me to stay over and keep an eye on you. He didn't want you to be alone."
"I don't need a babysitter!" Buffy yelled. "I'm twenty-three years old, I can take care of myself. While I appreciate you cooking breakfast for us, I'd appreciate it more if you left after you ate it."
"I'm not going anywhere until your father gets here this afternoon."
"Fine. Then you'll be eating alone."
Angel crossed the distance between them, towering over his love. "Why are you being like this, Buffy? I want to help you get through this."
She shook her head. "You can't, Angel. You weren't connected to this baby like I was. It wasn't growing inside of you. I lost a piece of myself and there's nothing you can do to help me."
"Don't you know how much I love you? We're supposed to share these things with each other!" he argued. "I don't want to go through this alone. You shouldn't have to, either. We have each other."
"I can't share this with you. I can't share anything with you. This whole thing...it was a big mistake. Look, I'll still have that second showing of your work like we originally planned, but that's where things end between you and I. We'll have a business relationship only."
"You know I want more than that. So do you. We're supposed to be together."
"It's the way it has to be for right now. Once my dad gets here, I want you to leave. And I don't want anybody to know about us. What we did stays between us."
Willow was worried. Nearly a week had passed since Buffy's miscarriage and her stepbrother hadn't answered his telephone when she called or returned any of her messages. Their entire family was concerned something was seriously wrong with him, particularly his mother. They'd always been very close, but now he wouldn't even talk to her. Willow wished she could tell her stepmother what happened between him and Buffy, and her subsequent miscarriage, though she knew Buffy would never forgive her if she did.
So she promised to go over to his house to see if there was something wrong, even though she already knew there was. He and Buffy had lost their baby, maybe they were both comforting each other over their loss. But that didn't mean they couldn't share their feelings with her.
When Willow pulled into the driveway, she found only her stepbrother's truck there. Since she knew he rarely walked anywhere, she figured there was a good chance he was still home so that they could talk. Ringing the doorbell twice, she patiently waited for Angel to answer. He never did.
With a sigh, Willow pulled out her keys and opened the front door using the spare key he'd given her. The moment she opened the door, she was overpowered by the stench of alcohol. She scrunched her nose in disgust, wondering exactly what was going on with her stepbrother. Then she saw him - lying passed out on the couch in a pair of sweats and a half-empty bottle of whiskey in his left hand.
'No wonder he didn't answer the door,' Willow thought. 'He's completely drunk!' Walking over to him, she shook the inebriated man until he began to moan.
"What the hell...?" Angel groaned. When he first opened his eyes, he saw the beautiful blonde he'd been dreaming about for days. Seeing her smile, his heart skipped a beat. She'd come back to him. "Buffy. I knew you'd come back."
Willow frowned. Her stepbrother was obviously hallucinating. "Angel, it's Will."
Focusing his eyes on her, Angel realized it wasn't Buffy after all. "Willow?" He rubbed his eyes sleepily. "Go 'way."
"No, I will not go away. What the heck is going on with you? You don't answer the door, you don't return our calls and you wreak of alcohol. We're all worried about you."
"Just leave me alone."
"Not on your life, buster. Not until you tell me what's wrong."
Angel brought the whiskey bottle to his lips and took a swig. "'S over. That's what's wrong."
"What's over?" Willow didn't have the slightest idea what he was talking about.
"Me an' Buffy," he slurred. "I assed her to marry me an' she tole me to get out. Got down on my knees an' everythin'. She says she dudn't wan' her life ta be wid me."
The red-haired girl shook her head. "No way. Buffy totally loves you; she has forever. There's not a chance she'd say no to your marriage proposal."
He shrugged. "She can and she did." Angel took another sip of whiskey. "Now, please leave me 'lone!"
"So you can drink yourself into another stupor? I don't think so." Willow grabbed the bottle from him and made her way into the kitchen to pour the contents down the drain.
"Hey!" Angel shouted, jumping up only to fall back down again. His head was pounding and his eyesight blurry. "Gimme back my booze!"
"No!" Willow responded. She entered the living room a minute later carrying a glass of water and two aspirins. "Here, take this. Maybe it'll help sober you up."
Angel begrudgingly took what she offered him. "Don't wanna be sober. I don't hurt when I'm drunk."
"When was the last time you ate something? And I don't mean chips or peanuts or popcorn, but an actual meal? Or the last time you showered? Or painted something? Your life isn't over just because Buffy Summers broke your heart."
"I can't live without her. I'm not strong enough."
"Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's everyday. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward, then wallow. Drink yourself into oblivion. But don't expect me to sit here and coddle you," Willow said. "And don't look for Buffy to take you back, either."
He took a deep breath. "What do you expect me to do? Huh? Pretend as if nothing happened? I can't do that, Willow. Buffy and that baby were my life. She lost the baby and then I lost her. Buffy pushed me away. All I wanted to do was take comfort in her and grieve with her, but she wouldn't let me in," Angel explained. "She rejected me and everything I was offering her. I told her I wanted my life to be with her and do you know what she said to me? 'I don't.' So, tell me how I'm supposed to move on from that."
In all the years she'd known Angel, Willow had never seen him so defeated. He had always been strong, confident and able. But now...now he was a broken man. And she didn't know how to fix it. "I wish I had all the answers. I don't. But if I were in your shoes, I think I'd give Buffy the time she needs to get her life in order. I can't even begin to imagine what she's feeling right now, but I'm sure she's hurting just like you are. You two have been in love with each other since you hit puberty. Everything will work out. Just wait and see."
Grasping the door handle in front of him, Angel mentally prepared himself for what he had to do. A week had passed since Willow came over and talked some sense into him. He used that time to get his life back in order, first by ridding his house of all the alcohol he'd bought, then by resuming his painting. Now, after pulling himself back together, he stood in front of the Sunnydale Art Gallery for his first meeting with Buffy following their breakup. He only hoped that things would go smoothly between them.
"Angel!" Nina exclaimed when she saw the tall, dark-haired man walk into the gallery. "God, I haven't seen you in ages."
He mustered a smile, though it didn't make it up to his eyes. Nina wasn't the blonde he'd been wanting to see. "Hi, Nina. How are you doing?" he asked politely.
"I'm doing great. Of course, we're all excited about your new show. Buffy's got this big to-do planned for it, coinciding with New Year's and all that. She's really thrown herself into getting things ready since she came back late last week."
Angel nodded. 'I guess that means the show is still going on as planned.' "That's why I'm here. I wanted to drop off some pictures for the show; see how Buffy feels about them."
"Well, she's in the office. Be careful, though. She's in kind of a crappy mood," Nina warned him.
"I can handle Buffy."
Clutching the envelope full of pictures in his hand, Angel slowly made his way toward Buffy's office. He felt like a convicted man being led to his execution; he didn't know how Buffy would react to seeing him. But he reminded himself that he was there on business and nothing more.
He knocked on her office door, waiting a good thirty seconds for Buffy to open it. What he didn't know was that Buffy had to keep herself from crying when she heard him knocking. She'd seen him come in the gallery and talk to Nina. When she finally did answer it for him, she managed a small smile and bit her lower lip.
"H-Hi, Angel," she greeted. Buffy had to stop herself from launching her body into his arms. The last week-and-a-half had been pure torture for her.
"Hi, Buffy," he replied. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
Buffy shook her head. "No, not really. Just going over some figures and stuff. How are you doing?"
"I've been better," Angel answered honestly. "Things haven't been easy lately, but I'm getting through it. And how are you?"
"About the same." An awkward silence fell over the two of them. Buffy hated that they didn't even know what to say to each other anymore. And she hated that it was mostly her own fault. "Uh, I've, uh, been going over some things for the show on New Year's Eve."
"That's why I came by."
She swallowed hard. "It is?" she asked nervously. "Look, I don't want what happened between us personally to affect us professionally. You have every reason to hate me for saying not to your proposal, but I happen to think you are insanely talented and I want to host this show."
"I'm not backing out of anything, Buffy," he told her. "A promise is a promise, and I can put my feelings for you aside so we can do this." He placed the envelope on the desk in front of her. "I just painted these. I thought you might want to include them. I'm warning you, though, they're a little different from my usual style."
Buffy opened the envelope and pulled out the photographs. In it were approximately twenty pictures of Angel's most recent work. He'd been right, they definitely weren't his usual style. Not that they weren't good. She was especially intrigued by one of a man entering the fiery gates of Hell. Buffy couldn't help but wonder if the man in the painting was Angel himself.
"They're, um...different," she commented. "But I like them."
"I've been going through a bit of a dark phase in the past week."
Buffy put down the pictures and stared at her desk. "I'm sorry," she choked out.
"Forget it. Willow and I talked; she made me see that I'm not the only one who lost something that day. And I understand that you need time to work through things," he said. "Buffy, I want more than anything to take comfort in you. I want to grieve for our baby with you. When I go to bed every night and cry myself to sleep, I'm crying for the baby we lost and the fact that the woman I love doesn't want to be with me."
"I *do* want to be with you," she stated. "I don't...I just can't. Don't you get that? I can't be with anyone."
"Why not? There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't lose the baby because of something you did or didn't do. Stop blaming yourself and pushing people away. That's not the Buffy Summers I know and fell in love with. That woman is confident and self-assured and goes after what she wants. Like graduation night. Like the day you asked me to father your baby. I love *that* Buffy."
Her lower lip trembled. "I'm not her anymore."
"Well, you're right about that. You're a far cry from that woman. And I know she's still in you somewhere, you just have to find her. I'll wait for her. No matter how long it takes. Even if I have to wait the rest of my life. I'm willing to give you all the time you need. That's how much I love you."
"Don't wait for me."
Angel caressed her soft cheek with the back of his hand. "I want to take comfort in you, Buffy. And I know you want to do the same. Telling me not to wait for you isn't going to change how I feel. But you know that we'll be together eventually."
"Angel, please. I'm trying to be the strong one here."
"Willow told me that strong is fighting. That's what I'm doing. I'm fighting for what I want. You. I don't give up on the people I care about. But like I said, I'll wait. Just don't make me die an old man without you."
Buffy stood in the aisle of the supermarket with her cart filled with food, debating between roasted garlic or four cheese mashed potatoes. She was having the hardest time deciding between the two; she couldn't understand why some decisions were easier than others. It aggravated her. She'd made up her mind to ask Angel to father her child in an instant, but she couldn't decide which flavor of mashed potatoes to buy. It made her want to cry. Everything made her want to cry these days.
"Hey, Buffy," a voice behind her said.
The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end when she heard the voice. It could only belong to the one man she'd loved since her teen years. Turning around slowly, Buffy bit back her tears and plastered a smile on her face. "Hiya, Angel. What are you doing?"
Her friend tone of voice warmed his heart. The past few weeks had been pure torture for him, forcing aside his feelings for Buffy so they could work together. Every moment they spent together, Angel had to fight back the urge to pull her into his arms and prove to her how much he wanted to love her. "Probably the same thing you're doing. Shopping."
She nodded. "Okay, that was a stupid Buffy question. Sorry, I guess I'm not totally with it today."
"You don't have to apologize. Is everything all right?" He hated not being a part of her life like he used to be.
"Yeah. Just a little stressed out."
"The show getting to you?"
"The biggest showing I've ever hosted in less than two weeks? Oh yeah, major stress for Buffy."
Angel gave her a sympathetic smile. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me. You know I'm always here for you."
"I know. And I appreciate it, I really do. But I can't ask the artist to help the gallery prepare for his show. It's unprofessional; this is my responsibility. You should worry about your paintings, not me."
"Worrying about you is habit. A habit, in fact, I don't want to break. You can push me away all you want, it won't change my feelings for you. Nothing will," Angel stated.
Buffy sighed. She wasn't emotionally capable of another heart-wrenching conversation with her former lover. "I can't do this here, not in the middle of a crowded supermarket. Please."
"Fine, I'll drop the subject. It doesn't change things, you know."
"I'm aware of that. How, um, how's your painting going?"
"It's going well. I should have a few more pieces in time for the showing. Do you need any help getting ready? I know you said it's your responsibility, but I'd like to help you out in any way possible. If it'll lighten the load, I'll gladly do it."
Buffy smiled at his offer but shook her head. "I think I've got everything under control. But thanks for asking. Peggy and Nina are helping me with most of it. Plus Dawn's coming home this weekend for Christmas, so I know she'll want to do something. I never say no to cheap labor."
"Dawn's coming home already?"
"Uh-huh. The house won't be nearly as lonely as it has been lately."
"You know, Buffy, you both are welcome to spend Christmas with us at my mom's house. I know she'd love to have you two over; you're like family to us."
"I wish I could take you up on that, Angel. But I can't," she turned him down.
Angel narrowed his brown eyes. "Why not? This is your first Christmas without your mother, you and Dawn shouldn't have to spend it alone."
"We're not. She and I are going to Los Angeles to be with Dad."
"Oh."
"Look, Angel, I have to finish my shopping. I'll, uh, see you around."
He frowned. "All right. Call me if you need anything. You know I'm always here for you, no matter what happens between us," he told her.
"I will."
But he knew she wouldn't call him.
"Fancy running into you here."
Buffy had been putting her groceries away in the back of her Jeep when she heard Xander's voice behind her. First Angel, now Xander. Couldn't she go grocery shopping without running into someone she knew? With a roll of her eyes, she bit her bottom lip and turned in his direction. "It *is* a grocery store, Xander."
"You have an attitude today," he remarked.
"And you have one every day. Is there something I can help you with?"
He sighed. "Willow told me you'd been in the hospital a few weeks ago. I came over to see if you're feeling all right."
She let out a breath. Xander was concerned about her; he hadn't stopped by to cause trouble. "I'm feeling better, thank you for asking. What did Willow tell you was wrong with me?" Buffy wanted to know.
"Nothing. Just said you'd spent the night in the hospital. Was it something serious?"
'No, I just lost the baby I desperately wanted. My life completely fell apart and I pushed away the only man I've ever loved. That's all,' she thought. "I fainted at the gallery from exhaustion. Angel was there and called nine-one-one. I think the stress of the showings in addition to the past nine months or so finally caught up with me."
"Do you think taking on the responsibility of another one of Angel's showings is such a good idea?" Xander questioned.
"I made a commitment."
He nodded. "I see. And what were the terms of your agreement with him? You show his mediocre paintings in exchange for some nookie in one of the back rooms?"
Buffy slammed the back door shut and made her way around the Jeep to the driver's side. "I hope you're aware how rude that sounded, Xander."
"It's the truth, isn't it?"
"Angel and I aren't seeing each other anymore. We have a business relationship only."
"Until you get lonely and decide you need a good lay?" he threw at her. "You would have been better off with Riley, at least you didn't have to bribe him to get him into bed."
"No, I didn't. But when I finally stopped giving him what he wanted, he deserted me and started screwing Cordelia Chase. But you know all about deserting people when they need you the most, don't you, Xander?" she accused. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do."
"Like go home and mope over Angel? You perfected that when you were in high school. Figured you'd have moved on to something more challenging."
She laughed. "You're just jealous. Go back to Anya and have a rousing conversation about your sex life. I'm sure it's a lot more interesting than mine."
"I doubt that. I'm not sleeping with my best friend's stepbrother," Xander stated.
"Neither am I. Now, I'd get out of the way before you accidentally get run over while I'm backing up."
"Honey, I can't believe the turnout tonight," Mr. Summers commented to his daughter on New Year's Eve. He'd come into town for Angel's art show, eager to see the young man's work, as well as pay a visit to his older daughter. Dawn had returned to New York the day before to spend New Year's Eve with her boyfriend.
Buffy nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I'm pretty impressed with it myself. It's even bigger than the last show, I definitely wasn't expecting it. I guess we had some strong word of mouth."
"The fact that Angel's extremely talented probably doesn't hurt." Mr. Summers gazed at a nearby painting hanging on the wall. "I particularly like this one. The young woman reminds me of you."
Glancing at it, Buffy chewed on the inside of her cheek. She knew why it reminded her father of her - it *was* her. Angel had painted it not long after she'd told him about her pregnancy. In the painting she was holding her hand over her slightly protruding belly, her head bowed to look at her hands and her long blonde hair concealing her face. Just three days later she lost the baby. "I highly doubt it's me, Dad."
"I guess that's just my humble opinion. Where is Angel, anyway?" her father wanted to know.
"No clue. Probably off schmoozing some possible buyers."
Mr. Summers heard something in his daughter's tone of voice. Something that made him wonder. "Is there something going on, Buffy? Something maybe I should know about?"
"No, nothing. Everything's fine."
"Are you sure? Did Angel do something?"
She shook her head. "I'm absolutely sure. And no, Angel didn't do anything. Life is peachy with a side of keen. It couldn't be more perfect." 'Perfect except for the fact that I don't have the man I love or the baby I want. And I have no one to blame for it but myself.'
"Nobody's life is perfect. You know that as well as I do. I know there's something on your mind. I wish you'd tell me about it."
"There's nothing to tell, Dad. Believe me."
Though he didn't for once second, Mr. Summers smiled as if he did. Nothing mattered more to him than the happiness of his two daughters. And all he wanted was for them to be happy. "Look, I'm sure you don't want to hear this, particularly from someone who's not always around, but everything's going to be okay."
"What are you talking about?"
"The baby, honey. I know you're still hurting from the loss. And I know you threw yourself into your work since you lost the child. But now with the show being over tomorrow, things are going to seem really bleak for a while. I want you to know I'm here for you. Anytime."
Buffy smiled at her father. She knew he was only concerned about her. "Thanks. But I'm really okay. Everyone's been very supportive since it happened...you, Dawnie, Willow; and it means more to me than you'll ever know. I don't want you to worry about me, though. I'm not gonna go off the deep end and do something stupid. Believe me, I'm way past that point."
Mr. Summers embraced his daughter. "That, I have to say, I'm glad to hear. Regardless, why don't you stay with me for a few days after the show? I'll play hooky for a couple days, we'll spend some quality father-daughter time together," he suggested.
"Thank you. Maybe I'll take you up on that."
But he knew his eldest daughter, and knew she wouldn't take him up on his offer. Buffy had never been one to admit she couldn't handle things on her own. She was far too independent. Her life would have to be in ruins for her to come to him for help.
Several hours later, Buffy stood in the corner of the Monet Room talking to an acquaintance of her mother's, James Markison. He owned a prestigious art gallery in San Francisco. When he introduced himself to her, she couldn't believe he'd shown up. It wasn't often a big name in the art world made an appearance at a small town art gallery showing.
"Your mother was a wonderful woman. I admired her a great deal," he stated.
"She *was* a wonderful woman. I miss her every day."
He nodded in understanding. "And I'm glad to see you kept the gallery open. You have her eye for talent, I have to say. You're a very lucky young woman. I'm quite impressed. Where did you find the artist? Truthfully, I'm jealous I didn't discover him first."
"Angel? He's an old friend of mine. We grew up together," she explained. "He showed me some of his work and we decided to hold a few showings. Although I can't take all the credit; my mom was the one who first helped him sell his work a few years back."
"You are much too modest, Buffy. But getting down to business, would you be terribly offended if I approached him about showcasing some of his work at my gallery in San Francisco?" James asked her.
She shook her head. "I wouldn't be offended at all. Something like that would be a terrific opportunity for him. The decision is ultimately Angel's, though, not mine. Would you like me to introduce you to him?"
"I think I'll look around a bit more before I talk to him. I appreciate all your help, Buffy. Most gallery owners wouldn't be willing to share such a find."
"You'll find I'm not a selfish person."
"Much like your mother. Part of the reason I liked Joyce so much. Trust me, I'll return the favor someday," he promised.
As Buffy turned to head toward the exit, she stopped abruptly when a tall figure loomed directly in front of her. Looking up, who she saw surprised her. "Ri-Riley. What are you doing here?" she wanted to know. Her ex-boyfriend was the last person she expected to see.
"I, um, wanted to talk to you about something. Do you have a few minutes to talk in private?" he questioned.
"Sure. We can talk in my office." She led him out of the Monet Room and into her office. Once the door closed behind them for privacy, she turned to face him. He was just as handsome as ever, with his blonde hair and piercing eyes that seemed to look right through her. Riley outwardly was still the same man she'd fallen for her freshman year of college. Although her feelings for him changed over the years, especially since their breakup. "How are you?"
"Good. You? I heard you were in the hospital for a little while," Riley commented. "I hope everything's okay."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Good news travels. I'm fine, it was just an overnight thing. Nothing to worry about." She didn't particularly want to share with her ex what had happened. "How are things with you and Cordelia?"
He looked away for a second. "That's kinda why I wanted to talk to you."
"Did you finally come to your senses and dump her?"
"We're engaged, actually."
She swallowed audibly. Then sat down slowly in her desk chair. "Well, that definitely wasn't what I was expecting. You two are getting married?" 'Am I living in some sort of bizarro world where my life is just crap?'
"Yes. I asked her to marry me this morning. I wanted to tell you myself. After everything we went through, I thought you deserved to hear it from me rather than through the Sunnydale grapevine."
"Your courtesy is so noted." Buffy blinked long and hard. "I suppose congratulations are in order."
"Buffy, you know how much I care about you. We just weren't right together," Riley tried to explain. "We wanted different things from each other. That's not to say you aren't a wonderful girl. You are. And I know you'll find someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I'm not that man."
She took a deep breath. "Thanks for your honesty, Riley. It's really...touching." Buffy wanted nothing more than to slap him, but couldn't bring herself to do it. He was entitled to move on with his life, no matter how much him doing so had hurt her. "I guess I should wish you good luck with Cordelia. You're going to need it."
The news of Riley's impending marriage to Cordelia hit Buffy like a ton of bricks. It was definitely not what she'd been expecting to hear from him. Somewhere, in the back of her mind and buried deep in her heart, she expected him to tell her he had decided to break up with Cordelia. Not that she wanted to get back together with him, or loved him - her heart would always belong to Angel - but it hurt knowing that Riley had chosen to spend the rest of his life with somebody else.
She kept a smile plastered to her face for the remainder of the showing. Buffy was determined to not let her feelings of disappointment be apparent to those she came in contact with. But to those who knew her well, something was obviously troubling the young woman.
Willow made her way through the crowd of people to her best friend's side. "Hey, Buffy. How are things going?" she wanted to know.
"Good. The showing is going much better than I expected it to. Truthfully, I wasn't sure how it would turn out given that it's New Year's Eve and all," Buffy explained.
"That's not what I meant. I've known you forever and you have the tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve. Something's wrong, and it's written all over your face. Did my brother do something or say something to hurt you?"
The blonde-haired young woman shook her head. "No. It's just...it's personal, Wills. And I don't feel much like talking about it."
"So it wasn't Angel?" Willow was sure it had to have something to do with her stepbrother, given the look on Buffy's face.
Buffy sighed heavily with aggravation. "Not everything has to do with your brother, you know. He and I are over."
'Sure you are,' the redhead thought. 'You're still as in love with him as you were when you were thirteen.' "I don't mean to upset you, it's just that you look so unhappy. It's New Year's Eve, you should be happy. A new year, a new start."
She nodded. "Uh-huh."
"Do you have any plans for tonight?"
"Clean up, go home, shower and watch the ball drop on TV. Way exciting, let me tell you."
Willow felt bad for her best friend. It seemed like her life had turned to crap since her mother's death back in February. And having recently lost her baby, Willow knew how difficult things had been for Buffy. "You know, you're more than welcome to stay with me and Tara tonight. We'll be hanging around watching TV, too."
"Thanks but no thanks. After this is over, all I want to do is be alone," Buffy explained. "But I really do appreciate the offer."
"Okay. Well, call me if you need anything or just come over," Willow offered.
She smiled. "You got it."
"Something's wrong with Buffy," Willow stated matter-of-factly when she finally managed to corner her brother ten minutes later.
"Something's wrong with her?" Angel repeated. "Is she okay?" Fear gripped his heart with an impenetrable hold at the thought of her being hurt in some way.
Willow saw how frightened he was, and felt bad that she brought it on. "Physically she's fine. Or looks fine anyway. She wouldn't go into the specifics of it with me, she just said it was personal. And I'm gonna guess from your reaction that you don't know anything about it."
"Not a clue. Buffy's been keeping me at arm's length since the...since she lost the baby. I know very little about what's going on in her personal life anymore. I was hoping she'd start to let me in as more time passed, but nothing so far."
The redhead bit her lip and rolled her eyes. "She's really pushed everyone away recently. Maybe you could talk to her and find out what's going on."
Angel vehemently shook his head. "No way. Not a chance."
"Please, Angel," she pleaded.
"Sorry, Wills. I love Buffy, I'm not going to deny that. But I'm not about to run the risk of ruining what I have with her right now by prying into her personal life. If she wants to tell me on her own, she will."
"She won't," Willow stated.
"Then she doesn't. When she's ready, I'm sure she'll tell you. My suggestion is to let it go," he told her. "You know how she is. If you push her too hard, you'll only end up pushing her away."
The crowd had filtered out by eleven o'clock, and by eleven-fifteen Buffy found herself alone in the gallery. Angel had been the last person to leave, asking her if she needed any help with the cleanup. She'd told him she had everything under control and urged him to go out and enjoy the rest of his New Year's Eve.
"I'm not doing anything special for New Year's Eve," Angel had told her. "I'll be at home painting."
She felt horrible and blamed herself for him not having any plans. It was as if she'd ruined his life. Angel should be out with someone, ringing in the New Year with someone who made him happy. It nearly broke her heart knowing that her selfish desire to have a baby had hurt him as well.
But then her thoughts turned once again to her earlier conversation with Riley. Though it had consumed her thoughts for the majority of the evening, she'd been trying her best not to think about it. Her former boyfriend - who'd dumped her for being distant following her mother's death - was getting married. And there she was, all alone and having turned down a proposal of marriage from the man she'd been in love with for more than half of her life.
As she locked up at eleven-fifteen, Buffy finally let it out. All the hurt feelings she'd been carrying around since halfway through the evening bubbled its way to the surface and boiled over. It erupted with a sob and hot tears streamed down her face. Her small hands shook as she put the key in the lock for the back door of the gallery. It took all of the strength she could muster to walk to her car without falling.
She drove silently to Revello Drive, not wanting to cause an accident due to her emotional state. But once she reached her street and looked upon the dark and empty house she lived in, Buffy kept on driving. Being alone was something she couldn't bear at the moment, despite what she'd told Willow earlier. What she needed was to be with someone who knew her, someone who loved her and would be able to offer her some comfort.
So Buffy stopped the Jeep in front of Angel's house further down the road and put it in park. Taking a minute to compose herself, she got out and made her way to his front door. She could see the light shining in the living room and another light on upstairs. In his studio. The last thing she wanted to do was interrupt Angel's creative process, but she needed someone to talk to.
After taking a deep breath, Buffy brought her hand to the doorbell and pressed it. She waited patiently, but then contemplated going home when Angel didn't answer after a minute. As she began to turn around and head back to her car, the front door opened.
"Buffy?" he asked with surprise evident in his voice. The small blonde was the last person he expected to see at his door.
Looking into his brown eyes, Buffy wanted to cry all over again. "I-I'm sorry, Angel. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'm j-just gonna go."
He stepped onto the front porch and reached out to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Hey. You don't have to go."
"I'm not interrupting you?" she questioned.
He shook his head. "I was starting a new canvas, nothing that can't be put off for a little while. Come on in, I'll get you something to drink. Do you want water or a soda?"
Buffy smiled. After the way she'd treated him recently, she couldn't believe he was being so nice. If she'd been in his shoes, she would have told him to drop dead. "Water's great, thank you."
Angel led her into the house, taking her coat and hanging it up in the closet. Then he went into the kitchen to pour her a glass of water. "Would you like ice in it?" he called out to his guest.
"Yes, please."
Dropping a few ice cubes in the glass, he brought it into the living room, then gave it to Buffy. She smiled gratefully at him as she took her first sip. "Do you feel up to talking about it?" Angel questioned her.
She sighed, holding the glass of ice water in her slightly trembling hand. "I don't...I guess I didn't feel like being alone right now."
"Because it's New Year's Eve?"
"No. It's just that...I'm being stupid."
He sat down and looked her in the eye. Her green eyes were red and puffy, indicating to him that she'd been crying not too long ago. And it killed him inside that she wouldn't share her feelings with him. "Buffy, I'm sure whatever's bothering you doesn't make you stupid. You're one of the most kind, caring, giving and intelligent people I know."
"I think that's the nicest thing anybody's said to me in a long time," Buffy said.
"I could keep going if you want."
She shook her head. "Appreciated, but not necessary." Buffy stared at her glass, watching as the ice cubes bumped into one another. "Angel, can I ask you a question and get an honest answer from you?"
"Of course. You can ask me anything."
"Is there something wrong with me?" she asked her former lover. "Am I so completely unlovable that nobody wants to be with me?"
Angel nearly started choking when he heard her question. He was sure that if he'd had anything liquid in his mouth, he'd have spit it across the room. "Where are you getting that from?"
"Since you didn't give me a yes or no answer, I know what your response is to my question." Deciding she didn't want to hear his explanation, Buffy stood up and started to head for the door.
"Hey!" He jumped up and made his way over to her, blocking her path to the front door. "Stop it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"My life sucks, Angel. Nobody wants to be with me. I'm gonna be miserable and alone for the rest of my life," she complained.
He heavily sighed, placing his hands on her shoulders. Why couldn't she see that she wouldn't be alone? That even if she didn't want to spend her life with him, he'd always be there? He'd always love her. "That will never happen, I won't let it. You have your father, Dawn, Willow, Tara and the girls at the gallery," Angel reminded her.
Buffy gazed up into his chocolate eyes. "What about you?"
"I thought that went without saying," he told her with a smile. "But apparently not. Now, do you want to tell me what's bringing all this on?"
"Tonight at your showing, Riley showed up. I...It was nice to see him after so long, and when he said he wanted to talk to me about something, I naively thought he wanted to get back together with me." She laughed at herself. "Yeah, right. He dumped me and started dating Cordelia Chase, what are the chances he'd want to get back together?"
Angel tried not to look disappointed, but he doubted he'd hid his feelings very well. "D-Did you want to get back together with Riley?"
"No! Not at all. That part of my life is over. It's just that...Angel, he told me he and Cordelia are getting married, and he wanted to tell me in person before I found out from someone else. You don't know how much that hurt me knowing he'd rather spend the rest of his life with someone I hate than with me."
"He's a fool if he thinks he can do better than you, especially if he chose Cordy," Angel told her.
Buffy chuckled. "I forgot you used to go out with her back in high school."
"I was young and stupid and didn't see what was right in front of my face until it was too late. I've since seen the error of my ways."
"I don't know why I'm so upset about this. It's not like I wanted to be with Riley or anything...but it hurts. A lot. Because he has someone to love and I don't."
Angel lifted his hand to caress her cheek. It felt so good to touch her after being denied to the opportunity for so long. Her skin felt like silk, and he wanted so desperately to feel her, to be able to have some kind of intimacy with Buffy. But he didn't want to force her, or take advantage. "You always have me. Buffy, I'm always going to love you."
"You're not just saying that to be nice?"
He shook his head. "Nope. I'll never let you be alone. I love you too much for that, even if you don't feel the same way about me."
"I do feel the same way. I have and I haven't stopped. Not for a single moment." She took a deep breath. "Everything I said to you, every mean thing, I'm so sorry."
"You don't have to apologize. I just wish you had let me in; I wanted to be there for you," he told her.
"Well, you're here now. That's all that matters."
"Why don't you sit down?" suggested Angel. "We can watch the ball drop on television."
Buffy leaned into his touch. She'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to have Angel touch her. "I don't want to. Angel, I want to be with you. Look, if you don't want me here, I'll go home, but I really want to feel your arms around me tonight. I want to be with you completely."
"You mean..." He didn't dare complete the sentence, too afraid he'd jinx it if he said the words aloud.
She nodded. "Yes."
To be continued...