destructo-girl.com

"Humanitis"

Author: Saber
Email: daschus@adsnet.com

Spike turned onto his side and froze. Slowly, he reached beneath the covers and put his hand on the sheets. They were extremely wet. Frowning, he tried to remember if he had an erotic dream about Buffy again or not as he brought his hand near his nose and sniffed. It smelled like ammonia. The wetness he was laying in was starting to make him uncomfortable, so he threw back the covers and stood. Stalking to the bathroom to take a shower, he flicked on the light, then bent to open the cabinet to retrieve a towel. As he straightened, he saw someone standing behind him in the mirror.

With a yelp, he spun, lashing out with his fist to connect with the person's face. But his fist connected with air. "Whoever the hell is in here better show yourself!" Spike yelled, grabbing the door and pulling it away from the wall to surprise the person behind it. No one. He yanked back the shower curtain. No one.

He growled...or at least tried to. It came out sounding more like a child saying ‘grr.' He bent and picked up the towel he had dropped, and when he straightened he saw the person in the mirror again. This time, he only turned his head. He saw no one.

Looking back at the mirror, he noticed that the person had a towel in his hand. The same blue one he held in his own. Spike's eyes widened as he slowly raised his hand up and saw the person in the mirror do the same thing. "Holy shit," he swore softly as he extended his hand to the mirror. When he touched it, the mirror image hand was against his own.

He dropped the towel again, using his other hand to touch his cheek and watch as his reflection did the same. A grin formed on his face and he started to study his reflection with a critical eye. "So this is what you look like," he said to the mirror image. "The last time I saw you, you had brown hair."

He let his eyes travel down his body, standing on his toes to see as much as he could. "Not bad, mate," he told his reflection. "You kept your girlish figure quite nicely." He grinned, then leaned closer to the mirror. "I forgot I had blue eyes," he said. Those blue eyes widened when the mirror by his mouth fogged up, then disappeared.

He froze again, watching as the surface fogged over and over in a pattern by his mouth. He brought his hand up and put it over his mouth, then felt something startling. Hot air coming out of his nose, warming the side of his finger. "Bugger, I'm breathing," he said in amazement as he stepped back and looked at his chest. Sure enough, it expanded and contracted in syncopation with the warm air against his hand.

Spike quickly slapped his hand to the side of his neck, his fingers searching for the cardioid artery, the source from which vampires drank blood on humans. It was pulsing steadily. "No," he said, this time in horror. He turned, forgetting about the shower and raced out of the bathroom. He threw on his clothes in record time, grabbed his duster and car keys, then ran out of the bedroom.

With a gnawing feeling around his middle which he couldn't understand, he pulled up to the curb and shut off the car. He got out, stalked to the kitchen door and pounded on it. He saw Joyce look up from where she was sitting, startled by the loud noise, then frowned when she saw him.

"Spike," Joyce said as she opened the door, being careful to stay out of reach. Willow and Buffy had performed the invitation-revoking spell that would keep the blond vampire out. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to see the bloody Slayer," Spike answered. "I know she's the one who did this."

"Ouch!" Spike said in response, pushing the heels of his hands against his forehead when he felt an excruciating, sharp pain suddenly form.

"It hurts," he replied. "My bleedin' head is hurting. It feels as though someone shoved a spike in my brain."

"You have a headache?" Joyce said with amazement. "I thought vampires didn't get headaches."

"That's just it," Spike said. "I think the Slayer turned me into a bloody human!"

"Because I'm breathing, have a pulse and saw myself in a mirror," he answered, rubbing his hand across his forehead. "Also, all sorts of strange things are happening that I don't remember feeling. And can you make this bloody pain stop!"

Joyce let go of the door and went over to the cabinet for the aspirin. She turned when she heard the door shut, then dropped the bottle when she saw Spike standing in the kitchen.

"I think you're right," Joyce answered. "If you were a vampire, you wouldn't have been able to come in."

"But Buffy and Willow cast a spell so you couldn't come back in unless invited," she said.

Spike's shoulders slumped, defeated. "Great. Just bloody fucking wonderful. I'm human."

"Spike, don't swear," Joyce scolded, retrieving the pill bottle and getting out two aspirin.

"Yes, mum," he said with an exaggerated sigh, then chuckled as she shook her head at him.

"Do you know how to take these?" she asked, filling a glass of water from the tap.

"Whatever you do, don't chew them," Joyce instructed. "Just put them in your mouth and drink the water. They should be washed down with it."

He nodded, popped the pills in his mouth and began to drink. A disgusting taste was filling his mouth and he spit whatever was making it back into the glass. He made a face, then licked the back of his hand to try and get rid of the taste. "That was bloody awful," he said.

Joyce looked at the glass in his hand and saw two slowly dissolving pills in it. "I guess we have to do this the old fashioned way," she said, taking the glass from him.

"You didn't get the pills down," she replied, dumping the glass in the sink. "Your headache won't go away unless you do." She took out two more aspirin and a spoon, then went to the refrigerator.

"Like this," Joyce said, crushing the aspirin, then mixing it into a spoonful of grape jelly. She walked back over to him. "Open wide."

Spike rolled his eyes, then took the spoon from her and swallowed the jelly. It was grainy, but it went down. "Thanks," he said, handing back the spoon.

"You're welcome," Joyce replied. She looked down at his stomach when she heard a loud growl. "I think someone is hungry."

"Is that what that means?" Spike said. "It's been doing that for the past half hour."

"Oh," he said, his face reflecting the realization of what was happening to him. "Yeah. So this means that I eat, right? But what?"

"I'll fix you something, don't worry," Joyce told him. "Why don't you take a seat and I'll page Buffy."

Twenty minutes later, his headache was gone, his stomach was full and he was really enjoying the cup of hot cocoa Joyce had made for him. "You know, this tastes even better than the last time you made me some," he told the Slayer's mother.

"Maybe your tastebuds have changed, too," Joyce said. She heard the front door open. "Buffy's here."

"Hey, mom. What's the big surpri-" Buffy stopped suddenly as she came into the kitchen. "Spike!" She practically leapt across the room and had him pinned to the counter, just as she did the last time she found him in her kitchen, stake pressed to his chest.

"What?" Buffy looked over at her mom, not changing her position. "Of course he is, mom. And I can't believe you invited him back in."

"Slayer, for bloody sake, let me up!" Spike snapped as he felt a sharp pain in his back. "This hurts!"

"Buffy Summers, let him up this instant!" Joyce yelled at her daughter. Surprised at her mom's tone, Buffy did as told but kept her eye on Spike, the stake ready.

Spike winced as he stood upright, rubbing his back. "Bloody hell, Slayer. I never knew how strong you really were."

"I've turned into a bleedin' human, that's what," Spike told her. "And I know it has to be your fault."

Buffy snorted. "That's a good one. A vampire turning into a human. Pull the other one, why don't you."

He grabbed her hand and smacked it against his chest. "Does a vampire do this?" Spike asked.

Buffy's eyes widened when she felt the rise and fall of his chest and his heart beating. She moved her hand up to his neck, just as he did earlier, and felt the strong pulse of his artery, the warmth of his skin. "Oh my god, you're human."

"I have to call Giles," she said, removing her hand. Then she put it back on his chest. "This is really wiggy."

Spike looked down at her hand and smiled. It felt so nice to have her touch him, especially since they weren't fighting. "That it is, pet."

"I have some work to do, so I'll leave you two alone," Joyce said. "Spike, you can stay here tonight, if you'd like."

Joyce smiled at him, said goodnight and went upstairs. Buffy rolled her eyes at Spike, then turned and grabbed the phone, dialing Giles' home number. Once done, she leaned against the wall and stared at him. He started shifting on his feet. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Spike replied, grabbing his crotch. Buffy arched a brow when he did that. "There's some sort of pressure and almost like a burning."

"I think you have to go to the...Giles? We have a situation that's beyond strange. You need to grab Wesley, because we're going to need the books for this one," she said into the phone. "I'll be at the library in about twenty minutes or so...No, you'll have to see it to believe it. Bye."

Hanging up, Buffy looked at the uncomfortable Spike. "As I was saying, I think you have to go to the bathroom."

"Spike, you're blushing!" Buffy blurted in surprise. He glared at her and she giggled. "Don't you remember?

"Well, I only know five males - Giles, Wesley, Xander, Oz and Angel. And I don't think Angel can help you with this problem, Giles is off finding the weenie. I guess that leaves Oz," she said, picking up the phone again. "Luckily, he's over at Willow's, so he can get here in a short time...Wills? Hey, can you and Oz come over here, like now? It's an emergency...You'll see when you get here. Ok, bye."

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang and Buffy hurried to answer it. "Good, you're here," she said, grabbing Oz's arm and pulling him into the house. "You need to show Spike how to go to the bathroom."

"That's the one," Buffy replied, practically dragging the werewolf to the kitchen where Spike was sitting on the stool, hunched over uncomfortably. "Spike, this is Oz."

Willow and Buffy watched as the two males left the kitchen, then Buffy started to giggle. "Doesn't anything phase your boyfriend?"

"Not really," Willow answered. "Now, tell me why Spike needs to go to the bathroom before I start to wig."

Willow's eyes widened. "As in living and breathing and heart beating and eating people food instead of eating people human?"

"On a scale of one to ten, I'd say a hundred," Willow replied. "We have to see Giles."

"Already called him," Buffy said. "He and the dork are meeting us at the library as soon as Spike's done peeing."

"Doesn't it?" Buffy said. The two men returned to the kitchen, Spike looking very relieved causing the girls to start giggling again.

The red head reached her hand out and laid it carefully on his chest as Buffy did earlier. "Wow," she said when she felt his heart beat and breathing. "Does it feel weird?"

"Your hand or my heart beat?" Spike teased. Oz chuckled. "Not as strange as being hungry or having to use the pisser."

"Just wait until you get to experience the joys of taking a...doing number two," Oz stopped his crude language after seeing Willow's face become even more red. "I recommend bringing plenty of reading material."

"I think I need to kill something," Spike muttered as the four headed out towards Oz's van.

"Try it and you'll find yourself on the receiving end of my sta-...crap," Buffy said. "You're human. I can't do that to you."

"Faith can," Willow said snidely under her breath. Oz gave her a look and she smiled sweetly.

Buffy grabbed him by the neck and lifted him off the ground easily, slamming him against the side of the van. He struggled against her, trying to break her grip, but found he couldn't. He kicked out at her, but it barely hurt. "What's wrong, Spike?"

Buffy let him go and he started taking in big gulps of air as Willow and Oz climbed in the van. "Now you know how it feels to be a victim," she said in a low voice, then climbed in after opening the side door.

"Bloody fucking hell," Spike swore, rubbing his throat. He climbed in behind her and shut the door. The trip to the high school was made in silence.

"Hello, Buffy," Wesley said as the four entered the library. "Now, what's the big emergency?"

Giles came out of the office where he had sequestered himself to avoid throttling the Watcher. He stopped suddenly when he saw the peroxide blond standing uncomfortably next to the Slayer. "I take it he is the, er...situation."

"Roots and all," Buffy answered, coming fully into the room. She threw herself into a chair and started fiddling with a stake.

"Thanks bunches, Slayer," Spike said. "You really know how to sweet talk a guy."

"It is important that the identity of the Slayer be kept secret to-to-to protect her and-and her Watcher," Wesley said.

"I am sorry, but I am trying to have a word with my Slayer, if you don't mind," Wesley said.

"Tell me about it," Spike said. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it, then started coughing when he inhaled. Buffy snickered.

"Smoking's bad for humans anyway," Willow pointed out as he crushed out the cigarette. "Makes your lungs all black and icky, gives you emphysema. And cancer. It can kill you. But you're already dead. Oh wait, you're not."

"He's human," Willow told him. "Oz had to show him how to go to the bathroom and everything."

Spike groaned and dropped his head in his hands. "I think that headache is coming back."

"No, I go to the Slayer's house every day for a little slap and tickle," Spike said sarcastically.

"Oh yeah, mate, she's a great shag," Spike said, giving Wesley a wink. "All that strength and fire. Makes me feel all tingly."

"And she's quite the little screamer," he continued. "I bet you'd fancy a little roll with her. But you don't look man enough to handle a Slayer. I've done two ya know."

Spike suddenly found himself clutching his stomach on the floor, a pissed off blond standing above him. "Did that hurt?" Buffy asked sweetly. "If not, I can do it again."

"Buffy, would you please explain," Wesley requested. He looked over at Willow and Oz who were both snickering at the peroxide blond's predicament.

"Buffy, if Spike is-is indeed...er, human," Giles said. "Your normal methods of dealing with him should not be-be utilized."

"But it's so much fun," Buffy said with a pout. She crouched down next to Spike. "I thought you liked it when I was violent, baby."

Buffy shook her head, stood and held out her hand. He just stared at it. "I don't bite...hard." Spike accepted her hand and was pulled to his feet.

"Spike, this is Wesley, my new Watcher," Buffy said. "Wesley, this is Spike. You've probably read about him. If not, check in the index under ‘Bloody, William the."

Wesley's eyes widened at her reference as Spike looked at Buffy for more explanation. "How did this wanker get to be your Watcher?"

"Not by my choice," Buffy replied as Wesley started to flip through old Watcher's Diaries and Giles began handing out books for researching. "I got put through this stupid test thingy, but Giles was the one who failed and he got fired. Hence, I got Bravely Brave Sir Wesley."

"He's not...that...bad," she dragged out. "Well, he's no Giles. He wouldn't have lasted thirty seconds with Angel..us."

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Buffy told him. "Seeing as how he just walked up behind you."

Spike whirled around and came face to face with Angel. "Bloody hell! I didn't even hear you."

"That's it, I quit," Spike said, turning back to Buffy. "Whatever it is you've cast on me, uncast it or get rid of it or whatever you do with it. Just make it go away." He then tucked the book under his arm and stormed out of the library.

"I think he needs to switch to decaf," Willow commented from her seat on the stairs next to Oz.

"He has a reason to freak," Oz said. "I know I did when I found I was a werewolf."

"I've been told my freaking isn't too different than my not freaking," he told her.

"According to-to Spike, he has somehow become human," Giles informed him, taking another book off the pile and handing it to the vampire.

"I'd better go find him before he manages to get hurt and god I cannot believe I just said that like I was worried about Spike," Buffy said. She shook her head and left.

Buffy walked into the room, searching for the source of the voice. She saw him sitting in the corner by the window, feet up on the radiator. "What's up?" she asked, sliding onto a table next to him.

"Do you need to get your hearing checked? I thought I told you to leave me alone," Spike said in a depressed voice.

Buffy sighed. "It can't be that bad. I mean, think of the pos. You can eat normal food, go out in the sun, not kill people."

"Then we'll get you a new hobby," she answered. "How about...fishing?" He gave her a look. "Or not."

"Listen, this is a tad bloody strange for me," he said. "I went to bed this morning a vampire and woke up in a wet bed with a reflection."

"Oh what?" Spike asked. "If you have a theory, please fill me in. I couldn't figure it out."

"Trust me, you don't want to know," she replied. She slid off the table. "Well, I'm gonna go back to the library. You coming?"

"I think I'll stay here," Spike answered. "Too much togetherness is not good for the complexion."

Buffy laughed lightly. "You know where I'll be. But uh, don't leave. Human, vampire, dead human."

Spike watched her walk out of the room, then turned back to the window and sighed. "For a minute there, I actually though she cared."

"Ok, this is getting ridiculous," Buffy said, slamming yet another book shut. "There is nothing about a vampire ever turned back into a human."

"Nothing on spells that can do that, either," Willow said. "At least, that I found so far."

"I've never heard of such thing,"Angel added. "If so, rest assured I'd be first in line." He gave Buffy a sad smile.

"That makes him sound like a pet," Willow giggled. "A pet Spike. Kinda like a pet rock, only blonder."

"Hey guys," Faith said as she came into the library. She looked at Buffy. "Tag, you're it."

Buffy looked over at Angel and rolled her eyes. "Joy. I guess I'd better go find Spike again," she said.

"Thanks," she replied. "Oz, you might want to give him any last minute ‘male' advice before dropping him back at my house."

Buffy and Wesley separated from the group with a wave and Angel told Oz and Willow he'd met them at the van. Walking through the school, the vampire extended his senses, searching for the telltale heartbeat that normally led to the prey. Now, it was leading him to another vampire. Life on the Hellmouth was so strange.

"Spike?" Angel queried, entering the auditorium. Soft piano music wafted up from the orchestra pit.

"Imagination is funny, it makes a cloudy day sunny. Makes a bee think of honey, just like I think of you," Spike sang quietly along as he played, the only illumination coming from the small light attached to the page holder. "Imagination is crazy, your whole perspective gets hazy. Starts you asking a daisy what to do."

Angel silently made his way down the aisle and stood at the edge of the pit, watching him. "Have you ever felt a gentle touch and then a kiss, then and then...you find it's only your imagination again. Oh well."

Spike swayed as his fingers ran over the keys, eyes closed. "Imagination is silly, you go around willy-nilly. For example, I go around wanting you. Yet I can't imagine that you want me, too." Behind his eyes, he pictured the tiny, blond Slayer. Smiling at him, touching him, kissing him. "Have you ever felt a gentle touch, then a kiss, then and then...you find it's only your imagination again. Oh well."

Angel looked at Spike thoughtfully. Something about the way he was singing, as if he were singing to someone in particular. And that someone was definitely not Drusilla. "Imagination is silly, you go around willy-nilly. For example, I go around wanting you. Yes I do. And I can't imagine that you want me, too."

Spike paused and sighed. "Yes, I can't imagine that you want me, too." The final light chord faded out into silence as he sat there, the image of the woman that had been haunting him since he left Sunnydale for the second time in his mind. He had made it as far as Los Angeles before he'd given up on the kidding himself about his feelings for Drusilla.

"How long have you been here?" Spike asked, opening his eyes and looking up at the vampire.

"What about Buffy?" Spike asked as he shut off the light, then walked out of the orchestra pit.

"I know that," Spike snapped. "But still, she can always use someone to watch her back."

"Me? Yeah, right," he scoffed, lying between his teeth. "I just want to get back to my cute, lovable, demon self and I need her to do it."

Angel stopped and grabbed his arm just outside the doors to the school. "I think you want her for a lot more than changing you back to your worthless self."

"And I think you've read one too many bloody sappy books," Spike retorted. "Listen, you ugly sod, I wouldn't have even come back here if this didn't happen. Do you think I want to be human?"

"Spike, for some whatever reason you've been given a second chance at being human," Angel snarled, grabbing him by the lapels. "I'd give anything, and I mean anything," he shook him for emphasis. "To have that opportunity. Don't piss it away."

Spike grabbed his arms and tried to pry him off, to no avail. "Damn it, let go of me."

Angel shoved him slightly as he let go, and the peroxide blond stumbled backwards. He hit a low plant liner, falling to the ground and smacking his head against the wall. "Great," Angel said under his breath.

He bent to help Spike up, but he got slapped away. He barely felt it. "Get. The bloody hell. Away. From. Me," Spike ground out. Angel backed away and he pushed himself to his feet, hand clamped on the back of his head. Glaring at the vampire, he walked unsteadily down the stairs to where Oz's van was waiting.

"Buffy is not going to be happy," Angel sighed, then walked to the van as well. "I'm going to go," he told the three from the open side door.

Angel shook his head, then closed the door to the van. He watched as it drove off, hands in the pockets of his coat. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach and didn't like it. Not one bit.

Spike closed the kitchen door to the Summers' residence behind him and leaned back against it, eyes squeezed tightly shut. His head was pounding, the pain radiating from the large bump on the back of his head. "Bloody fucking hell," he swore once again, pushing himself from the door and over to the cabinet where he'd seen Joyce put the aspirin.

He found the white bottle and turned the cap. All it did was make a clicking noise, not opening. He kept turning, getting more and more angry, making his head hurt worse. "Damn it!" he said loudly, turning to throw the bottle against the wall. At the last minute, he dropped it into the sink, grabbing the edge and leaning back, head towards the floor.

"Make it stop," he begged no one in particular. He felt a tightening sensation in his throat, then his eyes filled up with water. Tears began to fall, mixed with gasping sobs. The only time he'd ever cried before was when Drusilla had left him, and he only did it after he was exceedingly drunk. But this was different, felt different.

He didn't know how long he was there crying. When the tears finally stopped, his head was pounding even more, he couldn't breathe through his nose, but for some reason he felt much better. He picked up the pill bottle, got out a spoon and the jelly, then made his way upstairs to Buffy's room.

Spike looked around the room thoughtfully as he set the items in his hands down on the night stand. The last time he'd been up here, he'd only gotten a brief look while retrieving the spellbook for Willow. It seemed like so long ago. Shedding his duster and his favorite red shirt, he began to curiously pick things up, studying each item before returning it to its spot. He adored the pictures, the little stuffed pig and cow on the bed, the mixture of makeup and slaying supplies scattered across the desk.

He glanced at the alarm clock, wondering when Buffy would be back from patrol. He really needed that aspirin. His head felt like it was going to explode. Picking up a book, he propped up the pillows on the bed, then settled against them to wait.

After a few minutes of reading, he did something really strange. His mouth opened uncontrollably and he inhaled deeply. He couldn't stop whatever was happening and it made him feel sleepy. Blinking several times, he wiped his nose with the Kleenex he'd found, then went back to the book.

Buffy climbed through the window silently, then froze before a smile crossed her face. On her bed was a sound asleep Spike, breathing heavily through his mouth, book held loosely in his hands on his lap. She finished coming into the room and walked over to the side of the bed, gently taking the book from him and setting it aside. She saw the aspirin, jelly and spoon on the night stand and her smile grew wider. She hadn't taken pills that way since she was a kid.

Grabbing some pajamas, the Slayer went into the bathroom to clean up and change, mentally calculating how long it's been since they'd left the school. While she'd been out on patrol, she'd done a lot of thinking about her woe-be-gone guest, effectively blocking out Wesley's droning on and on about whatever he'd been droning on and on about.

Just like a child, Spike had no idea on how to control his body, or what certain things his body did meant. After two hundred years of not having to do anything with it, she understood why he wouldn't remember how to go to the bathroom, or what normal hunger felt like, or a headache. If he really got sick, he'd probably act in typical male fashion, but it could probably be worse. And if he got hurt, he wouldn't heal as rapidly as a vampire. He could actually be killed quite easily.

She stopped by the linen closet on her way to her room, digging out extra blankets. Returning to her room, she snatched a pillow he wasn't using and made a bed on the floor for herself. Then, she carefully removed Spike's Doc Martens, pulled one end of the comforter over him, set the alarm for two hours later and put it on the floor within easy reach, then went to sleep.

Buffy felt as though she'd just closed her eyes when the alarm went off. Disoriented, she slapped her hand on it and looked around. *Why am I on the...oh, yeah,* she thought, sitting up. She blinked sleepily and yawned, then stood, looking down at the bed. Spike had turned on his side in his sleep, one hand curled into a fist by his face. "Spike," she said quietly, sitting next to him on the edge of the bed, rubbing his shoulder to wake him.

She giggled. "Spike, wake up," she tried again, still rubbing his shoulder like her mother did when she was younger.

Spike pried his heavy eyes open, trying to focus on the person calling his name. When he saw Buffy, he smiled. His tired brain didn't grasp the fact that he was waking up, he thought he was still asleep and dreaming. He loved having dreams about her. "What is it, luv?"

"You should probably go to the bathroom," Buffy told him. "I figure you don't want to wake up in a wet bed again."

"Why would I want to go to the bathroom?" Spike asked, confused at his dream girl. "Unless you fancy taking a shower with me. I got that scented stuff you like."

"What?" It was Buffy's turn to be confused. "Spike, what are you talking about?"

"That stuff that makes you smell like vanilla," he explained, his eyes drifting shut again. "We used it up the other night taking that bubble bath."

"We did?" she asked. *Bubble bath? Ok, something strange is happening in the state of Spikemark,* she thought.

"I used the last bit on your toes, luv, remember?" Spike said. "You said it tickled."

*Maybe he thinks I'm Drusilla,* Buffy thought. "Spike, you really need to wake up." Suddenly, she felt an arm snake around her waist and pull her down next to him, her back to his chest. She felt him nuzzle her hair. "Spike!" she squeaked.

"I'm sleepy, pet. You should be, too," he mumbled into her hair. "I love you, Buffy."

Buffy's eyes grew huge at his sleep-filled words. She heard his breathing grow even and knew he was totally out of it again. Frozen in place, she repeated over and over in her head what he had said. *Me? Spike loves me? How can he love me, I'm his mortal enemy? Oh no, my life is not too strange.*

She had to admit, however, that his arm felt nice around her stomach, the steady rise and fall of his chest against her back comforting. With a small groan at the absurdity of the situation, she pushed herself upright and shook Spike, saying his name sharply. "Spike, wake up."

"What?" Spike said, eyes coming open to glare at the person shaking him. When he saw Buffy this time, he sighed. "I take it my being a bloody human wasn't a nightmare."

He frowned as he took in her sleep tousled appearance. "When did you get home? I was waiting for you to open that bleedin' bottle for me."

"No," he answered, raising his hand to touch the back of his head. He winced at the pain when he pressed on the lump, but he had no headache.

"Nothing," he said. She raised a brow skeptically and he sighed again. "I hit it on a wall."

"Ouch," Buffy responded. She reached over and turned on the light. "Let me see."

Spike squinted when the light burned his eyes. "Hey, what's wrong with my eyes?"

"Huh? Oh, that's your eyes protecting themselves until the iris adjusts to the change in light," Buffy explained. "I actually paid attention in science that day."

"In a minute," she replied, moving his head to look at it. She gently ran her fingers over the back of his head. He hissed the same time she found a very large lump. "You whacked yourself pretty good."

"No kidding, Slayer," Spike said sarcastically, his eyes now open normally. "Stop poking on it, you're only making it hurt worse." "It should go away by tomorrow," she told him. "It'll be tender, though, for a day or so."

"Bloody marvelous," he said under his breath. Then he did that strange thing again, his mouth opening wide and inhaling deeply. "Will you tell me," he said with the action. "What the hell is happening?"

"Because I'm tired," she explained. "When you yawn, your body is telling you to shut up and go to sleep."

"Then why aren't you shutting up and going to sleep?" Spike asked, grin on his face.

"Two reasons - one, some big galoot is in my bed," Buffy replied. "And two, you should hit the head. I don't want to have to change my sheets in the morning. That would just be eew."

"Ugh!" Buffy threw up her hands and stood. "You're two hundred years old! You should have heard all these euphemisms already." She looked back to see him now sitting on the edge of the bed, eyeing her. "Just go to the bathroom, ok?"

"Do it anyway," she said through clenched teeth. "Or I'll ship you over to the mansion and Angel can babysit you."

Spike stood. "I didn't bloody ask to be a human and I can take care of myself," he snapped. "I don't need a bloody babysitter."

Buffy sighed, not in a fighting mood and knowing that he was angry with the situation, not at her. "Listen, I only wanted to prevent you being embarrassed. Your human...ness is new, so you don't know how to control it yet. I'll have to figure out how you to teach you to sleep through the night without wetting the bed. Now, will you please not argue and just go to the bathroom so we can go back to sleep?"

"Why would I wet the...bloody hell," he finished the sentence by closing his eyes. When he opened them again, his face was extremely red. "Thank you, Slayer. I'll just...uh...go."

Buffy watched as he hurried out of the bedroom. "Only I would end up in my bedroom with a vampire who hated me turned human who loves me," she muttered as she unmade the bed. She reset the alarm and put it back on the night stand, then climbed in. Spike returned, still red faced, and looked anywhere but at her. "Your turn to sleep on the floor."

She waited until he was settled, then switched off the light. "Hey, you know what we didn't ask you?"

"Do you care if you kill anyone?" Buffy asked. "Would you feel guilty if you did?"

"Then you didn't get that back," she said. "You're the same annoying Spike, just with a living body instead of a dead one."

"Spi-ike, I need you to wake u-p," Buffy sang, crouching next to him on the floor.

He opened his eyes and noticed the brightness of the room. He also noticed that he had a hard on, which wasn't too strange, but he didn't recall any erotic dreams. Then he remembered Oz's last minute conversation with him. *And every morning I get to look forward to this,* he thought sullenly. He looked at Buffy, who had a huge smile on her face. "What?"

"Not to increase your already overblown ego," she said. "But you look kinda cute in the sunlight."

"What?" Spike sat up and stared at her. Then he noticed he was sitting directly in a patch of sunlight coming from the open window. He held out his hands, turning them over then back, watching the sun not burn them. "Cor," he whispered in amazement.

"Giles said he would be happy if you came down to the library today," Buffy told him, being sure not to mention the words ‘babysit' or ‘watch you.' "You can continue researching your predicament."

"Uh-huh," he replied, not paying the slightest bit of attention to her. He was too fascinated with the sunlight.

"There's a monster in the toilet that will bite your dick off when you go to use it," Buffy said.

"Sounds good," Spike replied, looking at how the light played over the hair on his arms.

"I love you so much, and if I don't jump your bones right now, I'm going to die," she said.

Buffy laughed. "Nothing. Why don't you go take a shower. If you want to come to school with me, we have to leave in twenty-five minutes." His stomach growled in response. "And it sounds like you need to eat, too."

"Right, Joyce told me that's what it meant last night," Spike said, standing. He winced at the soreness in his back. "I hate this. You know that, Slayer?"

Spike cursed as the water warmed up, using the toilet once again. "Do I have to bloody go all the fucking time?" After flushing, he climbed into the shower and let out a shout, jumping back. "Bloody fucking hell!" He leaned forward, trying to reach the shower knob to adjust the temperature without being scalded. Gritting his teeth, the water cooled down enough for him to step under the spray. Yet another downfall of being a human - feeling temperature differences.

"Highway to hell," he sang under his breath as he showered. "I'm on a highway to hell." At least his hard on went away on its own. He then realized that he would have to put the same clothes back on, and that he didn't even have his toothbrush. Blood breath was bad, but morning mouth was even worse. And he had a great toothbrush, too, a gift from Drusilla before Angel lost his soul. It was one of those brushes with a cartoon figure for a handle. His was Count Duckula.

After drying off, Spike climbed out of the shower to see a small paper bag with his name on it sitting on the sink. *That wasn't here before,* he thought, frowning as he opened it. It turned into a grin when he pulled out a comb, a tooth brush, toothpaste, even deodorant. He looked up and saw his hazy reflection in the mirror behind the fog from the shower. He quickly wiped it off and saw himself smiling back at him. "Well, this is one plus," he told himself as he combed his hair.

Eventually, he made it downstairs, his stomach rumbling. He found Joyce and Buffy sitting in the kitchen. "Morning," he greeted cheerfully.

"You're in a better mood," Buffy said, gesturing to a bowl of cereal with the carton of milk sitting next to it. "Dig in. We have to leave in a few."

"Thank you," he said. "And thank you to whichever lovely lady got me the toothbrush."

Joyce smiled. "You're quite welcome, Spike. I figured you didn't bring anything when you came up here from LA."

"I did leave in a bloody hurry," he said, frowning at the milk and cereal. "Do you have any coffee?"

Buffy noted the expression on his face before he turned to get some coffee. She quickly opened the milk and poured it on the cereal, then added several scoops of sugar. It was Cheerio's, after all. "Do you want to head home today?" she asked.

"Trying to get rid of me already, Slayer?" Spike teased as he returned to island, coffee in hand. He saw what Buffy had done and felt his heart do something funny. It felt almost like it was filling and compressing at the same time, and his breath caught in his throat. He must have made a face, because she looked at him with concern.

"I don't know," he confessed, breathing out heavily. "Whatever happened wasn't bad."

"Maybe it was the coffee," Joyce suggested. "It warms you from the inside as you drink it."

Spike didn't think that was it, but didn't want to say anything. He'd ask Oz later, in case it was a ‘guy' thing. He'd been embarrassed enough over the past twelve hours. He took a bite of the cereal and felt the sweetness explode in his mouth. "Cor, this is good."

"It's tasteless if you don't," she replied. "Besides, he seems to be enjoying it at the rate it's disappearing. Jeez, Spike, you're worse than Xander."

Both Buffy and Joyce started laughing, and the latter stood. "Do you want a ride to school?"

"Nah," Buffy told her. "I want to take Fido here out for a walk in the sun." Spike glared at her, but kept eating and drinking his coffee. "Plus, I promised Willow I'd pick her and Xander up along the way."

"Ok, I'll see you tonight then," Joyce said. "Please try and be home for dinner."

"You too, mum," Spike replied, giving her a devilish grin. Joyce shook her head in motherly defeat, then left.

"Spike, she's not your mom, she's my mom," Buffy chastised as she put her dishes in the sink.

"Of course," Spike replied. "That's what I'm best at. Besides killing, that is."

"Well, you can't do that anymore," Buffy said. "First of all, you have no reason to. Second, it could backfire and you'd die. Third, if you didn't die, I'd hurt you. A lot. Then I'd let Angel hurt you. Finally, I have enough death in my life already. Will you please try and restrain your violent tendencies?"

"About as ridiculous as you sitting in my kitchen still talking instead of being a pile of dust," she replied.

Spike brought his dishes to the sink, putting his arms on either side of her and leaning against her back. "Come on, ducks. I know you fancy me," he said in her ear.

"In your dreams," she said, then bit the inside of her cheek as she remembered that was true. She turned her head far enough to look up at him and saw his face was flushed and he was breathing somewhat heavily. "We should go."

"Yeah," Spike croaked out, then cleared his throat. "We probably should." But he didn't move, his hands resting on the sink on either side of her. She smelled so good, felt so good against him.

He stepped back away from her suddenly, as if he'd been burned. "Bloody hell," he said under his breath.

Buffy turned and gave him a half-smile, put on her coat and grabbed her backpack and purse. "Come on, let's go."

Spike followed her out the door, squinting in the bright sunlight. He shivered when a gust of wind hit him, and he hunched his shoulders, pulling his duster closer to him. "I hate this," he muttered.

"If my body shivering means that I'm cold, then yes," he said between clenched teeth.

Buffy stopped and grabbed his arm to stop him, as well. "Look, I didn't do have anything to do with this, but if it's any consolation, I'm sorry," she told him.

Spike studied her upturned face, checking the seriousness of her words. He took a deep breath, noting the crispness of the air as he inhaled, then sighed. "It's not your fault, pet. You've been more than kind in trying to figure out what happened. This is all so bloody befuddling to me. I haven't been alive in over two hundred years. I feel like such a bloody baby."

"At least you can tell us what you're feeling," Buffy comforted. "Babies can't. Plus, you already knew how to eat, walk and do other...things. You just have to relearn your body signals. After all, you may be human for the rest of your life."

Buffy frowned. "I wonder if you'll age regularly," she said as they continued their way to Willow's house. "You know what else I was wondering?"

"I don't know," Spike answered. *Maybe because it's you I think about all the time,* he added mentally.

"True, but I don't think she has that kind of power," he replied, frowning. "Unless she had help. But why would she want to make me huma-...oh." Realization dawned on Spike. *She could have been reading my thoughts and found I was no longer thinking of her, then did this to punish me, knowing that I'd hate it.*

"His name is Xander, be nice," Buffy told him as the two friends walked to join them. "Hi, guys."

"Hi Buffy, hi Spike," Willow greeted cheerfully, falling in step next to the peroxide blond. "How do you like the sun?"

"Have you ever noticed that the Hellmouth is one wiggy place?" Xander asked from the other side of Buffy.

"I just wanted to point it out again. Make sure everyone was on the same level when I say: why Deadboy, the Second? Why not the original? I bet he's steamed, too. Like a pair of pants," Xander replied.

"Spike, you're pathetic," Buffy said. "And yes, Angel is not the happy camper. But life hasn't been fair to us so far, why should it change?"

Spike looked down at her as they headed for the school. Her face was an expression of sadness and he felt a tightening in his chest, wanting him to pull her into his arms and make everything better. He didn't remember human bodies reacted to everything, even emotions. And as much as he wanted her for himself, he wanted her happiness more. "Cheer up, pet. If we figure out how this happened, maybe you can do it to your poopsy."

"How can I not be?" Spike replied. "I'm a two hundred year old vampire turned human who's walking to high school with his mortal enemy and her chums."

They arrived at the school and joined in the throng of people heading into the building. "I'm going to drop Spike off at the library," Buffy told her friends. "I'll see you in class."

"I can't believe that Spike's here at school, during the day," Xander said to Willow as they stopped at their lockers, the other two continuing on.

"I can't bloody believe that I'm here at a school, during the day," Spike muttered to himself as he brushed passed students. All this warm blood walking around, and he couldn't hear it or smell it. And that was his favorite part of being a vampire, next to the killing. He was starting to get depressed.

"Hi, Giles," Buffy greeted the librarian as they entered the library. "He's all yours. Try not to choke him, I want that privilege."

"Thanks, Slayer, you're too kind," Spike said, brushing past her to slump down on a chair.

Buffy frowned at him, then turned to Giles and lowered her voice. "Spike's been moody all morning. I'd say he has PMS, but he lacks...or rather, has too many parts."

"Big time. Oh, and he doesn't have a soul. He's still the same old Spike," she replied. The warning bell rang. "I gotta get to class. Have fun." She looked over at Spike. "See you later, Spike." Spike gestured goodbye, but didn't raise his eyes from the surface of the table. Buffy gave Giles a pointed look, then left.

"Does she have reason to be jealous?" Giles inquired, trying to get more information.

"Yeah," Spike sighed. "But she was the one who said it was over. Why can't I think about someone else? What gives her the bloody right to dictate who I choose to love?"

"Is-is there any way we may ascertain for certain that she is the one who made you human?" Giles asked.

"Maybe we do," Giles said. Spike's head shot up and looked at him. "If you're that miserable as a-a-a human, maybe we should go down there and make her change you back."

Spike thought about it for a moment, then sighed. "I don't know, Watcher. I could be wrong," he said, then added silently, *But not bloody likely.*

"Well then, I guess we had better get to work," Giles said, handing him a stack of books. "I shall be in my office if you require anything."

Spike watched Giles walk away, then opened a book. But instead of reading, he was planning on how he was going to find out if Dru was the culprit and if she could do whatever she did to Angel. He knew he'd never have a chance with the Slayer, so he'd love her by giving her everything she desired, which, unfortunately, included his sire.

"Spike's in love with me," Buffy whispered to Willow in their first period class. The two girls sat next to each other, while Xander sat a few rows up.

"He's in love with me," she repeated. "Last night, I went to wake him up and he started talking in his sleep. He said something about taking a bath with him and vanilla scented soap, then he pulled me down on the bed next to him and told me he loved me."

"No," Willow said in disbelief. Buffy nodded. "Oh, wow. Does he know he told you?"

"Nope," she replied. "Like I said, he was still asleep when he started talking. Then this morning, he put his arms around me when he put his dishes in the sink to tease me, and he got all flushed."

"Yeah, but this is like very oh wow," Willow said. "He's Spike. Spike is in love with you. It's like...Spike being in love with you."

"Good analogy," Buffy said sarcastically. Willow shrugged. "Anyway, despite the fact that he is a major hottie, he's still no Angel."

"No, no, no. Oz is my only dirt," Willow replied. "Unless you count wolf-Oz as different dirt."

"That's me, I'm a baddie," Willow grinned. "But someone didn't answer my question."

"Whatever means I'm not going to answer that question," Buffy said. "That's the one."

"I see how it is," Willow said, nodding. "You'd do him in the middle of the library."

Both girls looked down apologetically. "Sorry," they said. When the teacher went on, Willow leaned over to Buffy. "You know you would."

"Where's Spike?" Buffy asked Giles as the group came into the library at lunch time.

"Oh, ok. Well, if he comes back and is hungry, he can use my lunch pass," Buffy said, giving it to the librarian. "I brought my own. Tell him we'll be back after school."

Spike walked with slow, measured steps on his way back to the school. He had found a few of his former minions at Willie's who were willing to go down to Brazil to find out the situation without asking him too many questions. Luckily, they didn't seem to notice his heart beat or the fact he was breathing.

He looked up into the clear sky, shading his eyes with his hand. Being out in the sunshine was probably the only thing good about his predicament. That and the Slayer wasn't trying to kill him, was actually being friendly to him. Too bad she was in love with someone else.

He arrived back at the school as sunset was nearing, having taken a detour through a park to sit and watch some children playing in a pond, chasing fish and frogs. One of the little girls reminded him of Buffy, all full of life. He played the what if game in his mind, as well, before deciding he was turning into brood boy and headed back to the school.

"There you are!" Buffy exclaimed as he walked through the library doors. "It's getting dark outside."

"No, yes, no," Buffy stammered. "I just didn't want to go out on patrol and find you dead, because you'd probably haunt me."

"Anything you say, Slayer," he said, walking up to Oz who was sitting on the table, strumming his acoustic guitar. "You got a minute, mate?"

Spike frowned in confusion, then lowered his voice. "I have one of those ‘male' questions for you."

"Ah," Oz said, setting the guitar down in the case. He slid off the table and motioned for the ex- vampire to join him in the cage. "What's up?"

"Something odd happened this morning," Spike said. "My heart felt like it was being squeezed at the same time it was expanding. Bloody weird feeling."

"Oh, well that explains it," Oz said. "I feel that every time Willow steps into the room."

"Utter happiness," he answered. "It happens when you're in complete and total love with a person." He glanced over at the clock. "Sorry man, times up."

"It's about to get a little hairy in here, so you might want to leave," Oz told him as he started taking off his shirt.

"Spike, you need to leave the cage," Willow said, walking into the cage to check the window. She ushered Spike out with her, then closed the door. "See you in the morning, sweety."

Oz gave Willow a small smile, then disappeared behind the shelf. Spike gave the red head a questioning look. "What's going on?"

"My boyfriend's a werewolf," Willow answered simply. Oz-wolf jumped at the cage door in punctuation, making Spike leap backwards. "See?"

Spike's heart was pounding in his chest and he felt short of breath. "Bloody," gasp. "Fucking," gasp. "Hell."

"Oz scared him," Willow explained. Oz-wolf growled as if in response to his name.

"I bloody hate this!" Spike yelled, spinning on his heel, heart still pounding and disappearing up into the stacks.

Buffy and Willow watched him storm off, then looked at each other. "Definitely decaf," Willow said.

"I don't know," Willow replied. "He could be doing that guy thing. You know, when they go off like guys do."

"Well, as long as he's here in the library," she said. "I know it sounds silly, but I really don't want him to be running around alone at night. Knowing him, he'd get into trouble within thirty seconds, and he's just a human now. Fighting skill or not, he does rely on his strength. Remember what happened when I no longer had mine?"

"Yeah," Willow said. Oz-wolf growled again, and she looked back at him. "You ok watching Oz? Giles won't be here until around five tomorrow."

"Thanks," she replied, picking up her backpack. "Hopefully we'll get Amy back tonight. I've been researching on shape shifting, and the night before and on the full moon is the best."

"Good luck," Buffy said. Willow left with a wave and the Slayer returned to her books. "Ok, what does J'adore mon chat translate to? Um, I love to talk?"

"I love my cat," Spike's voice drifted down to her. She turned her head to see him sitting on the stairs. "It means ‘I love my cat' not ‘I love to talk'. That's J'adore parler."

"J'allais jusqu'au bois de noisetier Poussé par un feu dans mon coeur Je taillai une ligne de noisetier Et pendis une baie à mon fil Et quand les phalènes reprirent leur vol Et les étoiles filantes leurs sauts Je plongeai la baie dans le torrent Jusqu'à y prendre une truite d'argent

"Quand je l'eus posée là par terre J'allai pour remettre le feu en flammes Mais quelque chose bruissait là par terre Et quelqu'un appela mon nom : Ce fut soudain une pétillante fille Des fleurs de pommier aux cheveux Qui appela mon nom puis s'en fut Disparut dans les brumes de l'aube

"Or bien que vieilli de voyages Par basses terres et hautes terres Je trouverai où elle se cache J'aurai ses lèvres prendrai ses mains Et j'irai le long des longues herbes mures Cueillant jusqu'au bout du temps et des temps Les pommes d'argent de la lune Les pommes dorées du soleil" "Wow," Buffy said. He shrugged like it was no big deal. "I'd hate to have to translate all that."

"I went out to the hazel wood, Because a fire was in my head, And cut and peeled a hazel wand, And hooked a berry to a thread; And when white moths were on the wing, And moth-like stars were flickering out, I dropped the berry in a stream And caught a little silver trout

"When I had laid it on the floor I went to blow the fire aflame, But something rustled on the floor, And some one called me by my name: It had become a glimmering girl With apple blossom in her hair Who called me by my name and ran And faded through the brightening air.

"Though I am old with wandering Through hollow lands and hilly lands, I will find out where she has gone, And kiss her lips and take her hands; And walk among long dappled grass, And pluck till time and times are done The silver apples of the moon, The golden apples of the sun." "I double my wow and raise you a that was beautiful," Buffy told him.

This time, he gave her a sad smile. "I'm gonna go for a walk, pet," he said, pushing to his feet.

"Spike, please don't fight me," she replied. "If you want, when Angel stops by you can go with him."

Buffy was on her feet in an instant. She grabbed his arm and forcibly stopped him. Oz-wolf jumped on the cage, snarling. "Spike, for some totally whacked out reason, you're human. That means, if you go out there at night, you have a chance of becoming very dead. Or worse," she yelled. "Did you stop to think what would happen if some vampire decided to turn you again?"

"Why the fuck do you care?" Spike yelled back. Oz-wolf started to growled loudly, launching himself at the door. "You never did before! All you ever cared about was Angel, even when he did nothing but fuck up your life and my life and your friends lives!"

"He's got everything to do with the fact that I'm a bloody human!" Spike continued yelling. "If it wasn't for him losing his fucking soul, then he wouldn't have taken Dru away from me!"

"Damn you, Buffy! Angel took Dru, Dru left me, I moved on and she got jealous! She knew that this was one of the two things that could destroy me!" he spat. "I can't be a human! I hated being human! I was pathetic and weak and worthless and I hated it! I CAN'T DO THIS!"

Oz-wolf let out a long howl, surprising both so badly, they jumped several feet apart. Spike's heart was hammering so hard in his chest, it felt like it was going to burst, both from anger and fright. He shoved past Buffy, sprinting back up into the stacks, emotions that he couldn't name choking him up. He kept going deeper into the second floor until he found an tattered, orange chair near a corner and flung himself into it, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Harsh, ugly sobs rose from his chest, making it hard for him to breathe.

Buffy stood frozen in her spot, listening to the sounds of Spike's sobbing mixed in with Oz-wolf's low growls. She hadn't realized how truly hard it was on him, she just assumed that anyone would want to be human again if given the chance. She never thought that he could be anything but the Spike she knew, the tough, brassy, sarcastic male who was able to love despite not having a soul.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy let it out slowly. She went over to the table, picked up some of her books, then went into Giles' office, closing the door behind her to give him some privacy. Sitting down at the librarian's desk, she rested her elbows on it and leaned her head on her fingertips. She debated on calling someone, but the only person who she thought would be able to help him was currently prowling the cage in the other room. Xander was out of the question, he would never listen to Angel, Giles was MIA for the night and she wouldn't call Wesley for a billion dollars. She just had to hope that he would be ok.

Buffy slowly walked back to the library from making a quick patrol around the school. In her hands she held two sodas and some munchies as a peace offering. She hadn't seen hide nor hair of Spike since he'd gone up into the stacks over two hours before. She knew he was still there because when she concentrated, she could sense his presence, much in the same way she sensed where her former Watcher was when she hit him with a dodge ball blindfolded. When she pushed through the doors, two new things struck her immediately. First, Oz-wolf was lying quietly on the floor of the cage, head resting on his paws. The second was the sounds of guitar music emanating from the stacks. Buffy looked over at the table and saw that Oz's guitar was missing. Then she heard his voice, low and soothing as he began to sing.

"If I could reach the stars, pull one down for you. Shine it on my heart, so you could see the truth. That this love I have inside is everything you need. But for now I find, only in my dreams I could change the world. I would be the sunlight in your universe. You would think my love for you was something good, baby if I could change the world."

Angel had told Buffy that he had found Spike the night before playing the piano in the auditorium. *Now, he's playing the guitar,* she thought as she made her way up the steps. *And he's good, too.*

"If I could be king even for a day, I'd make you as my queen, I'd have it no other way. Then our love would rule in this kingdom we had made. Til then I'll be a fool wishing for the day that I could change the world. You would be my sunlight in this universe. You would think my love for you was something good, baby if I could change the world."

Buffy saw him sitting there, fingers moving gracefully up and down the fret board, playing the instrumental part of the song. He was watching his hand as he played, the guitar balancing on one knee as he perched on the edge of the chair.

"If I could change the world, you would be the sunlight in my universe. You would think my love for you was something good, baby if I could change the world. Baby, if I could change the world. Baby, if I could," his voice softened with the last phrase as the song came to a close. "Change the world."

She waited silently as the last strum faded, then made some noise as she joined him. "Hi," Buffy greeted quietly. She held up the snacks. "I come in peace?"

One side of Spike's mouth went up as he accepted the soda and bag of chips from her. "Thanks," he replied.

Buffy nodded and sat down on the floor in front of him. "You're quite the multi-talented bleached blond. Play the guitar, play the piano, quote French poetry," she listed. "Any more hidden talents I should be amazed about?"

"I know how to set the clock on a VCR," he answered, opening the chips and eating one.

"I'm impressed. Not many men know how to even turn it on," Buffy said. "By the way, you sing really good."

"Don't go Dawson on me, Spike," Buffy said. "Why don't you play something else. It calmed Oz down to the point that he's actually quiet."

"What do you want to hear? I can do a mean Slash impersonation," he said, this time giving her a small grin.

"Ok, luv," Spike said. "I think you'd know this one." He slowly began to strum. "Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on ‘cause I know I just don't belong here in heaven."

He looked down at her sitting on the floor Indian style, every bit the woman he'd fallen for, and the meaning of the song changed for him. "Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven? I'll find my way through night and day ‘cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven."

She was his heaven. And it hurt to be this close to her and not have her realize that. "Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees. Time can break the heart, have you beggin' please, beggin' please."

Buffy closed her eyes as the instrumental part washed over her, flooding her emotions. He sang as though each word were coming from his soul. The soul he supposedly didn't have. "Beyond the door there's peace, I'm sure. And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven."

Spike smiled slightly when he saw her close her eyes. He was glad he could make her happy like he obviously was doing because he knew he would never belong in her life, just like in the song. "Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would you be the same if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on ‘cause I know I don't belong here in heaven."

Tears were running down Buffy's cheeks when he finished. She wiped at them with her hand, chuckling slightly. "That was...yeah."

Spike and Buffy both turned towards the voice that was calling from the main part of the library. "Coming!" Buffy called back. She stood and looked down at him. "I..." She didn't know what to say, so she leaned down and kissed his cheek before walking away.

Spike felt that heart swelling thing again and he took a deep breath and sighed. Leaning over the guitar, he began to finger the strings randomly, making up his own soft, sad song to go with his mood. At the rate he was going, he'd have Angel beat by a mile for the biggest brooder in Sunnydale.

He saw Buffy return out of the corner of his eye and looked up. "Feel like going home? Angel's here and he said he'd watch Oz," she asked.

Standing, he handed her the guitar and picked up his chips and soda. "Lead the way, luv."

"Spike?" Buffy started tentatively as they walked back to her house. "I'm sorry this is so hard on you."

"But I feel like it's my fault," she said. "And on top of all the human stuff, you had to come to your mortal enemy for help."

"Slayer, it can in no conceivable way be your fault," Spike told her. "No one can control who they fall in love with, it doesn't work that way. And if it's Drusilla that did this to me, I'm to blame for loving her at one time."

"So, what can I do to help you then?" Buffy asked. "And I still can't believe that I'm offering to you, of all people, my help."

Spike chuckled. "You've done enough, luv," he replied. "I'll be heading back to LA tomorrow until I hear some news. Then if it isn't Drusilla, well...I don't know. Maybe I'll join the mob or something."

They reached the back door with a smattering of laughter and Buffy followed Spike inside. "Hi mom," Buffy said to Joyce who was seated at the counter.

"No, I have to get back to the library," she answered, then turned to Spike. "Go ahead and take my bed. I'll be back around two because Angel promised he'd wolf-sit until Giles got there at five, which will leave him a half an hour to get back to the mansion."

"Waste not, want some," Buffy replied, then frowned. "Or is it wait not, want more? Or maybe it's want not, waste some."

"Goodnight, Buffy. Be careful," Joyce replied as her daughter went out the door. She looked over at Spike, taking in his somewhat haggard appearance and bloodshot eyes. "I saved some dinner for you," she said, standing and walking to the refrigerator.

"You didn't have to do that," Spike told her, wearily sitting down on a stool. He leaned his head in one hand, resting his elbow on the counter.

"I made it anyway," Joyce said, sticking the plate in the microwave. "Of course, no one came home for dinner, but at least Buffy called this time." The timer went off and she took the food out, setting it before him. "Here you go."

"Thanks," he replied, picking up a fork and pushing the food around the plate. "I'll be out of your hair tomorrow."

"Yeah," Spike answered. "There's nothing that can really be done here in Sunnyhell. Plus the Slayer undoubtably wants me out of her life."

"That's not true," Joyce said. "She was worried about you earlier when you weren't in the library after school."

"Yeah right," he mumbled, taking a bite of the food. He then pressed the palm of his hand against one eye. "Bloody hell. Can I have one of those aspirins?"

"Of course you may," she replied. As she was about to open the bottle, she paused. "You know, I just thought of something. Do you even have any food at your house? Or things like aspirin, or bandaids?"

"True," she said, opening the bottle and getting out a spoon and the jelly. "I can give you some food to go and all you'll have to do is microwave it. You do have a microwave, don't you?"

"It came with the house," Spike answered, taking the proffered spoon and swallowing the aspirin/jelly mix. "I think there might be food still lying around. I never bothered to clean it out, seeing as I don't use the kitchen."

"Here," Joyce said, putting a pad of paper and pencil next to him. "Write down your phone number and address, and I'll give you our number here and mine at work. That way, you can call if you have any questions, and I can send you care packages."

Spike looked at her dumbfounded. "Why are you being so nice to me? I tried to kill your daughter on numerous occasions and her friends."

"How old were you when you...became a vampire. Is that the right way to say it?" she asked.

"It'll do," he shrugged. "And I have no idea how old I was. I do remember seeing the turn of the century, so I'm at least over two hundred."

"Well, you look to be in your young twenties, maybe even eighteen or nineteen," Joyce said. "By default, that makes me feel older. Besides, Buffy no longer lets me mother her enough, so I have spare."

"I don't think of it as a waste," she corrected. "Everyone needs a mother now and then."

Spike studied her a moment. "Where were you when I was a lad?" He picked up the pencil and began writing, then tapped the pill bottle which was sitting on the table with it. "Can you show me how to open this?"

"Of course," Joyce replied. "It's a child proof cap, which means children can open it, but the adults can't." She gave him a smile, then showed him the writing on the cap. "You push down and turn at the same time...."

"Spike's going home tomorrow," Buffy told Angel while they were sat together at the table in the library.

"No, just a little worried," she replied. "You missed the fireworks earlier. He really hates being human again."

"So, even though he's leaving, I take it he's not giving up on finding out what happened," Angel asked.

"He thinks it was Drusilla," she said. "I guess he sent someone down to wherever the loony is to find out for sure. Until then, he'll just have to not let it destroy him."

"He said that becoming human again was one of the two things that could destroy him,"Buffy replied. "And before you ask, I have no clue what the other thing is. All I know is that he absolutely, completely, entirely, undoubtably hates being human."

"Do you remember what a yawn feels like? Or a headache?" Buffy asked. "Think about it. Human bodies do and feel things, emotions cause physical responses, we have to train it and learn what certain things mean. And that's normally done by the time you're three. Which means that Spike is basically a very tall toddler."

"Ha ha," she replied. "I was reading some child care books earlier to try to find out how...er, never mind."

"It's kinda personal," Buffy said. At the arch of his eyebrow, she hastily added, "Not for me personal, for Spike. I'm not having any children. I'm child free. Let's change the subject."