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F E A T U R E D F I C O F T H E M O M E N T
INDEX
BRE'S ARCHIVE
AUTHOR'S ARCHIVE
INTERACTIVE
AUTHOR
SITE
 O N L Y T I M E S E R I E S B Y B R E P A R T F O U R November 1999 The tears wouldn’t stop. They couldn’t. They shouldn’t. The strong arms that surrounded her were comforting and stiff at the same time. She could feel the rage of emotions in the man holding her, yet she could do nothing for him. How could she when she was feeling such horrible pain? Her fingers clutched his arms, her nails digging into his muscles every few moments as a new wave of pain attacked her. What was she going to do? What were they going to do? She could feel it... the baby within her body. She could feel it. She didn’t know how, she didn’t even have the confirmation from the doctor but she knew that it was there. It was a boy. Something was telling her this and she couldn’t help but lean in and listen to the voice. It gave her a warm feeling to know that there was new life growing within her body, the kind of feeling only a mother could feel. It was something that couldn’t be explained. She knew that she would do anything for this child. Anything for the man who cradled her in his strong arms. Anything. Anything. Such a strong word with so many meanings. As her head rested against his chest, she could feel rather than hear his erratic heartbeat. He was scared. Of the baby? Of her? She knew that she didn’t want to really know but it only gave a new meaning to the growing fear in her own chest. What were they going to do about this sudden step in their relationship? The options were... limited, to say the least. He was thirty, on the verge of thirty-one. She was only sixteen, turning seventeen in a matter of months. It was illegal, what they were doing. Everyone knew it, but no one knew about Buffy and Angel. And that was how it was going to stay. She hadn’t even told Willow about the pregnancy. Willow may have been a wonderful supporter when she didn’t know Angel’s true age, but had quickly changed her mind as Buffy became more and more involved with the older man. Willow was her best friend and Buffy knew that she loved her, but would never forgive her for what was happening in that minute. Closing her eyes, Buffy felt her breath hitch as another sob tore from her throat. It hurt, to cry so much. But she couldn’t stop. There was little comfort in his arms. The arms holding her tightened as he lifted her a little higher. His head ducked down and she felt his surprisingly cool breath against her ear. He whispered softly, words of comfort... false words. It only made it hurt more but she allowed herself to be fooled. A small part of her hated herself in that moment. How could she have been so stupid? The voice of reason and logic was screaming at her and she fought the urge to scream back. That small part of her knew the words were right... how could she have allowed herself to get involved... and so heavily? Allow her heart to be stolen by the much older man. Allow him to take her virginity, something she considered a prized gift. She had let herself give her everything to him. It hurt to think. It hurt to keep her eyes open. It hurt to keep her options open. Hell, it hurt to speak. And it was all her fault... Wasn’t it? “Everything will be okay, you’ll see,” his voice whispered softly. Buffy breathed in deeply, letting his deep voice wash over her. It was comforting in such a way that everything fell away for a moment and they were merely a couple who were having a baby. A couple. Not an illegal relationship. Pushing her face into his damp shoulder, she breathed in, his scent filling her senses. He smelled so good... so much like what she needed to smell. Was it wrong of her to think of him as home? Perhaps... but it was so nice... and simple... “Are you okay?” The answer was ringing in her ears: NO! Was she okay? She wasn’t so sure... “Are you?” she countered and she felt him still his rubbing on her back. Several minutes passed before he answered. “I’m not sure,” was his soft reply. Buffy shut her eyes. “Same here.” An eternity could have passed in that moment for all Buffy cared. It felt like he was softening under her touch. She lifted her hand to touch his chest and she felt him react, as if on instinct as his hand came up to cup the back of her head, running his fingers through her hair. Lifting her head, knowing she must have looked like death in that moment, she stared up at him. His dark eyes... his deep, ocean-like eyes, stared back at her, almost seeming black in the fading sunlight. The room was getting darker with each minute and Buffy swallowed. “Don’t let me go,” she whispered, begged really. His face was emotionless. Buffy didn’t realize she was holding her breath until he nodded, such a small movement that had she not been staring as intently as she was, she knew she would have missed it. Furrowing her brow in anguish, she pushed herself forward, wrapping her arms around his torso, burrowing her face into his chest. She felt him lift his arms to wrap around her in return. “Thank you,” she said softly, her dry eyes shut. “Thank you.”
The first thing she was aware of was a warm arm holding her securely to an equally warm chest. Moving her face around in an attempt to discern her position without actually opening her eyes, she felt the softness of expensive silk rubbing against her cheek. Sighing, she finally opened her eyes as she shifted slightly. Lifting her head, she looked up to see whom the chest belonged to only to come face to face with Angel’s chin. She could see he was staring at the ceiling, a faraway look upon his face. He acknowledged her shifting by looking down at her. He spoke before she could. “You said it was a boy... in your sleep.” Buffy frowned at his tone. It was wondering and strongly regretful at the same time. Looking down, she closed her eyes before meeting his once more. “Oh.” Angel stared at her, his face shuttered completely. She was afraid to keep his gaze, yet equally afraid to break it. After several minutes of silence, he finally broke away, moving his eyes back to the ceiling. Buffy laid her head back down on his chest, closing her eyes. The exhaustion was heavy in her body and she allowed her body to surrender. Before she drifted off completely, she realized it was the first time she had stayed over. The first time he had held her as she slept. The first time he had allowed it.
Present “Summers has called in sick.” The older man looked up from where he was reading the document in his hand, his eyebrows up. “Summers?” “Buffy. Buffy Summers. She’s called in sick for the rest of the day. She took lunch and said she wasn’t feeling well. She’s taking care of the Robinson case, so I was wondering if I should assign it to someone else.” “She’s handling that? And she’s not here?” the man asked, setting the stack of papers down as he too sat tall in his high-backed chair. “Get her in here. Now. That’s far too important.” The young man looked slightly indecisive for a moment before stepping fully into the office. “Sir, she didn’t sound good on the phone. She sounded like she watched her puppy being murdered. I’m afraid her state of mind isn’t exactly what is needed for the Robinson case.” The old man raised his eyebrows once more. “Really? Too bad. As I recall, that little blonde fought hard for this case and she knows too much and has put a decent amount of time into it. Too much to bring in a new person. I want her in here.” “Sir-“ “Now. Do not argue with me, Michael. She chose to be a social worker, so she’s going to have to deal with that. Bring her in here. Tell her I want that case report by the end of the day tomorrow.” There really was no room left for arguing. The younger man sighed in defeat before agreeing and leaving the room. He dreaded the phone call he was going to have to make. She did not sound like she was going to be able to handle very much.
The phone rang for the fourth time and Buffy finally pulled herself from the comfortable haven of her bed. It couldn’t be work. She had called in. Maybe it was Willow. Maybe it was Faith. Maybe it was someone she was definitely going to hang up on. Handling a full conversation at the moment was not in the books. “Hello?” It was still hard to believe that Angel was Wesley’s new boss. She had been in that office more times than she could count and she had never known. How long had he been there? From the way things had gone, she knew that he hadn’t known about her. The look on his face would have been comical had his presence not hit so close to home. Or more like at home. Right in the living room. Or her bedroom. “Michael? I can’t come in right now...” The shock of hearing his deep voice echoing in Wesley’s office was still heavy in her head. She couldn’t quite believe that the man whom she had fallen in love with so long ago and then crushed every dream and hope she had ever had was in her life again. She knew she was going to need to get a new doctor. There was no way she would be able to step foot anywhere he had. It was just too hard. Knowing he didn’t love her. Knowing he didn’t want their baby. She was going to have to locate a new doctor as soon as possible. “The Robinson case?” Buffy listened intensely. As Michael’s small words from the other side of the line filtered through her ear, she began to think that maybe it was better that she did go into work. It would definitely help her keep her mind off of what had happened. In the office where Wesley worked for Angel. Angel’s office. The office of Angel. Angel. “I’m sorry, what?” Closing her eyes as his words formed, she sighed. Several stalled seconds passed as she contemplated going in. At least she would look like she was getting work done. That would count, right? “Okay, I’m on my way.” Moving to hang up, she paused as the man on the other side expressed his concern for her. She would have smiled at his kindness if she could. “I’m fine. Just a little... down. I’ll be in in a few minutes... okay, bye.” Hanging up, she turned around, moving towards her discarded work clothes. Slipping them back on, she moved to the bathroom to brush her hair and fix her makeup. Then she was out the door.
The dread that filled him was horrible. It had taken him an extra two hours before he finally allowed himself to exit the office, and that was only to see if he had missed any messages. Perhaps something from Buffy. But then why would she do that after the horror he had subjected her to? Why would she put herself through something like that? As he stood on the doorstep to his new house, he held the key in his hand, but made no move to push it into the lock. That would mean he would have to see his fiancee and their dog. That meant he would have to kiss her hello and put up with her questions about his mood. He didn’t know if he had the energy to handle the bombardment she always seemed to throw at him. But isn’t that what he deserved? Plus so much more. But not from his soon-to-be-wife. He shouldn’t even be considering marrying her. Their relationship had been a shallow one, at best, and only after he had asked her to marry him had she really opened up and shown him the different side of her. He didn’t love her. That was the bottom line. He cared for her, on some level, but knew that it wasn’t something he would be interested in keeping. He was deeply ashamed to admit that the largest influence on his question was the fact that she was carrying his child. He couldn’t very well ask her to give the little child up so he could move on... as he had with Buffy. He had already destroyed enough lives. Why subject another human being to his nasty wrath? No matter the person. Sighing deeply, Angel closed his eyes as his thoughts drifted back to the small blonde that had appeared back in his life. He remembered so vividly the day he had told her that the only solution was to get an abortion. Everything had seemed so clear that day. So simple that he had truly thought he had been doing something right. But he hadn’t. He had been wrong. Very wrong. He had not been prepared for the emotional upheaval after leaving the girl. And that was what she had been. A girl. A young woman who had had her entire life to look forward to. He couldn’t have stayed with her. It would have been much too complicated and he would have probably wound up in jail. The only option was leaving. Either way he had destroyed her. He remembered her broken and confused face as he told her his wishes. He remembered her denying it. Then giving in. It had been so easy. She loved him. She had proclaimed it so vehemently when she had told him she was pregnant. It had been easy to get her to give in. Too easy. The urge to find her and beg her forgiveness, make her see that he had had no real choice, was like a brick being thrown at his head. It was strong and it was painful. And he knew that he couldn’t. She wouldn’t accept it, surely. And how could she? Sighing at his deep thoughts, he moved to open the door. Might as well get this over with. Tell her everything was fine, go take a scalding shower and then attempt to sleep in the bed he shared with a woman he sometimes considered a stranger, nightmares plaguing him, pleasant, torture-like dreams pleasing him at other times. Either way, it was going to be hell. Pushing the door open, Angel stepped in. He didn’t yell his arrival. She would probably hear. Looking around as he allowed his briefcase to fall to the floor, he noticed how everything shined. It was perfect. Immaculate, even. It was exactly what a man should want. His pregnant wife staying home all day, pampering herself, keeping the house clean and the chores done. Keeping the baby healthy. Angel felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. He shouldn’t be here. Not after seeing her. Not after reliving the hell he had put her through. Here he was, standing in his perfect life, feeling as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders, everyone around him calling him scum. It just wasn’t right to be here while Buffy was probably somewhere else, perhaps even doing the same. The fact that he assumed her to be unhappy caused an unsettling feeling to capture his stomach and he looked down to the floor as she removed his jacket. He was really sick, wasn’t he? How could he merely assume that she was just as miserable as him? As the thought ran through his head, he found himself wishing that she had been married and had children. That her reaction to his presence in the offices today had merely been from total shock and that she had truly forgotten him. Moved on. Been happy. And then there was that small, horribly selfish part of him that knew he was lying to himself. It had pained him to admit that he had feelings for the little girl and now that he had seen her, he realized that he loved her. He had loved her and would probably always love her. The throbbing in the back of his head was put on pause as his fiancee appeared from upstairs. “Honey, you’re home,” she said softly as she padded down the stairs. Her hand was laying on her stomach and Angel watched as she walked down. Forcing a smile on her face, he replied, “In time for dinner?” Christina Lornes smiled. “Of course. As always. And how was work?” Angel sighed inwardly as he answered, moving deeper into the house. This was his life now. Lying and fighting himself. This was what he had created for himself. If looked at in the correct shadows, it truly was hell.
November 1999 Buffy could feel that she was no longer with the heavy bulk of the man she had been lying with earlier. She felt her finger twitch lightly as she fought to open her eyes. Her body instantly rejected the movement she made as she slowly turned in the bed. Blinking, she opened her eyes and found herself in a heavily shadowed room. Looking around, she finally rested her eyes on the crouched figure sitting in what looked like an incredibly uncomfortable chair. Furrowing her brow, Buffy could literally feel his heavy gaze as he stared at her. It filled her with the incredible urge to run. She didn’t like the chills that rained down her body. “Angel?” His sigh echoed. She could sense his hesitation and she sat up more fully in the comfortable bed. She had never actually slept in it before. She had only made love to him as he made love to her. “Are you okay?” “Buffy-“ Dread filled her like water filling an empty bottle. It hit her with such intensity that she inhaled sharply. A moment passed before his low voice reached her ears. “I think you should get an abortion.” Time froze. Nothing moved. Neither breathed, Angel waiting for her reaction and Buffy disbelieving. He couldn’t be serious. An abortion? He wanted to... abort their child? Kill it? “What?” she whispered. The silence in the room allowed her small voice to echo loudly and it was clearly heard when she began to breath heavily. “Oh, my God.” “Buffy, this could never work. I’m thirty years old. You’re sixteen. We both know that this is... illegal...” Buffy didn’t hear him as he continued speaking. All she could hear was her own mind working. He wanted to kill their baby boy. He wanted to get rid of their physical link. He didn’t want her. He didn’t love her. He didn’t love their child. “This will never work. You’re too young to have a child. I think an abortion is the only option.” “The only option?” Buffy said harshly, her voice defensive and her eyes slightly wild as she moved her arms around her middle unconsciously. “You mean actually giving birth to my son is out of the question?” “You don’t even know if-“ “If what?” Buffy asked loudly. “If I’m pregnant? If it’s a boy? If I’m telling you the truth?” Neither moved to speak. She met his gaze with her own as best she could in the dark. Several minutes passed by before Angel finally spoke once more. “You’re getting an abortion,” Angel said as he stood. “I don’t want this child. I don’t want you. All I want is to get out of this freak show of a relationship.” Buffy felt like she had been slapped. The stinging pain that arched in her body was enormous as she watched him leave the room, closing the door behind him quietly. A freak show? Is that what he thought of this? Feeling the hot tears slipping from her eyes, all Buffy could do was stare at the door as she cried silently.
What ravages of spirit
and I have a sense to recognize that
that I don’t know how
a glowing ember
I know I can’t be with you
I don’t know how to let you go -Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan
l be kind, rewind l back to top l
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