Angel's Secrets ~ Fanfiction

Creative Works

Everything You Want
By Dreamer
lalaland(at)3n.net

Summary: Buffy and Angel consider love and loss.
Disclaimer: All BtVS and "Angel" characters belong to Joss Whedon, Fox, and Mutant Enemies. "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizons obviously belongs to Vertical Horizon and Maverick Music/W.B. Music Corp (I think). Either way, I don't own any of it or them, and mean absolutely no harm.
Author's Notes: This is my first real song tie-in fic, so please be gentle. It can be looked as a series of three stories, or just a three part story. The first two can stand on their own, I'm not sure about the last. If you want to look at it as 3 stories, part one is "I Let Her Go" I did change the lyrics by maybe one word in each, just to make sure the pronouns were right and if there are any other mistakes, they are by accident.

. . .

Part 1: I Let Her Go

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

"I've really lost her," he thought, as walked down the street. He had never been so shocked in his undead life. He had overheard Cordelia gossiping with Wesley. Buffy had a boyfriend. A serious one. He heard a few phrases and had to leave.

He couldn't bear to think of Buffy, being with someone else, in reality rather than theory. The mere thought of her lying in someone else's arms, made his stomach churn. He had told her to move on, but his heart hadn't meant it. A part of him had selfishly wanted her to always pine for him, as he did for her.

But under the skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He didn't know what to do. It felt as if someone was killing him … again. Angel didn't know how he had ended up walking out here in the middle of the night. His feet had just taken him, and he had ended up walking along the boardwalk.

He tried to remember that day, so that it could bring him some comfort. He tried to remember that one day she had been his. He remembered, but his mind would not rest there.

He couldn't help but think of her in someone else's arms, as she had once laid in his. He couldn't help but think that somewhere she would be patrolling in Sunnydale with her new boyfriend at her side. How they would work together, laugh and talk with the sunshine of the world … he couldn't help but think that soon they would be through with patrolling, that they would be tired from a day of work, but not too tired. He couldn't help but wonder if she was even now in another man's arms, making love to him.

He remembered heaven in her arms. He remembered the look in her eyes from that glorious day. He knew that he had made her happy. She had wanted him. But now she didn't even remember. Know she wanted another man, lusted for him … loved him. Laughed with him in bed.

The memories of the past, were beaten by the onslaught of fear, to leave one lonely vampire, gripping the rail of the boardwalk.

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

If only she'd remember. But would she actually choose him, over this seeming perfection? Everything he had heard about this Riley was good.

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish she'd say

His mind was torn between his thoughts. Why? She had saved him. She had given his life purpose and filled him with love and feelings he had never know. She had brought him back from hell. Only she had kept him going through everything.

"I don't deserve her," he whispered. There were too many terrible things he had done, too many terrors he had committed. He had hurt her. Even if he had once deserved her, he knew that he didn't now. "Why?" he thought, "Why does it feel like it's my fault? I had to leave her. She would have eventually. She would have hated me. Why did she have to cry? Why did she have to tell me I was wrong? Why did my heart have to believe?"

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Angel walked down to the beach and watched the moving waves. He sat down on the beach and watched the ocean, as he cried. "But her actions prove it. She's moved on. It was enevitable." Angel put his head in the hands, tears streaming down his face. She had done what he asked. She had moved on. She was happy … without him … as he had wanted. He had lost her.

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

Angel cried realizing everything he had lost. He had found love from a woman more incredible than any he knew, any that he would ever find. He could remember her smile, which she had saved only for him. He remembered the sparkle in her eyes, the happiness he could put there, though he never understood how.

Angel remembered their walks in the park, he could remember her sweet lips pressed against his. He could remember what she tasted like then, with the cool, cloying air of the graveyard dancing about them. He could remember their first night together, the only one she remembered. He knew the trust she had given him, the gift that meant more to him than her body for the love it represented. She had once trusted him to that point. He was a vampire, her sworn enemy, far older than her, and experienced. She knew all of it, but had loved him anyway. She had made love to him. That night had meant more to him than any other.

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
And I don't know

There had been such passion. There had been such fire in their first kiss, that he had lost control. That had never happened, in all his two hundred years. When they fought, when they loved, and when they said good-bye, there was always that fire, that strength behind everything. Even, when he had said good-bye, she yelled and screamed at him with such passion, and he could only help but mirror it. But now, when he saw her, would there be nothing? How could all that was left be apathy?

. . .

Part 2 or "I Want"

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

Buffy had her back against the closed door of Riley's room. He was leaning against her, one hand pulling her slender waist towards him. They were kissing, softly. He moved away from her mouth and up her jaw line.

Buffy stared off into space. She was making out with her boyfriend, in his room. She should be happy, but somehow she couldn't help a strange constriction in her chest, as if something was wrong. She tried to enjoy the feeling of his lips along her neck, and his strong hand on her back, but she couldn't shake the feeling.

"We need to patrol," she whispered. He kissed her and reluctantly let her slip out of his embrace and open the door.

But under the skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

They walked along, Riley had his gun in hand, while Buffy idly trailed along behind. Soon the charred skeleton of Sunnydale High came into view. She hadn't realized Riley was leading them here. She stopped looking at the school, remembering that night. She remembered the fight. She remembered the blaring lights of the firetrucks and ambulances. She remembered the fog that had risen up in the unexpected early sunset. She remembered a figure she would never forget vanishing without even a good-bye.

"Are you okay," Riley asked, coming up to her.

"What?"

"Are you okay. You just stopped," he said wrapping his arms around her.

"Yeah, just remembering," she said. He nodded in understanding, but he couldn't understand. She wanted to believe he wouldn't understand, if she told him, but she knew he would try. Even though she was thinking of the handsomest man she had ever met, the most kind, caring, man, and the one she would love forever, Riley would understand.

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

Buffy leaned into Riley's embrace, but she didn't feel anything. "There's nothing here!" her heart wailed. No fire, no passion, no pain. She ached inside for some of what would make this real.

She broke out of his embrace and turned to look at Riley, suddenly very mad at him. "You wouldn't care would you? I loved someone else, I'm remembering them, and you wouldn't …" She left the sentence dangling, at a loss for what to say.

Riley looked at her, shocked by her sudden outburst. "Of course I would care," he said gently. "I care. Memories can hurt, and I understand thinking about the past and I care about what happened to you."

"No!" she said. The words were too sweet. He cared that she had been hurt, and that was all. No anger, no passion, no jealousy, only sweet mild concern. It should be perfect.

"It's okay," Riley said. He tried to wrap her in a hug, but she pushed him away.

"I can't do this anymore Riley."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're too sweet. Too kind. We never fight, never argue, never anything. There's nothing here. I can't do that."

"Buffy-"

"I'm sorry. Good-bye Riley." Buffy ran off into darkness, leaving the bewildered Riley behind.

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

"How could I do that?" she thought. "It was everything I wanted. Everything I dreamed of. He's sweet and nice, and he loves me. How can I be so miserable at the same time." She walked along the streets. She'd had everything she'd ever wanted. Well almost, in her crazy life Riley was as normal as she figured she could get.

How could everything unwind so quickly. She'd almost gotten things back together. It was as if she wanted to miserable.

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

She walked through the graveyards. She wanted to believe it was because she was patroling, but her heart knew better. Her heart knew every gravestone where she had seen or talked to Angel. Her feet knew every step of the old patrol route they used to take together. Her soul ached with the need to just hear his voice.

She walked passed the alleyway where she had first met him and found herself walking past the Bronze. Sweet romantic music played and she kept expecting to see him, everytime she turned around.

She found herself walking to his old apartment. The doorknob creaked under her hand as she opened it, breaking the lock, but she didn't notice. The rooms were bare concrete with nothing else left. The place almost looked to be a cell, but when she closed her eyes, she could still see it just as Angel had once kept it. The air almost seemed to be electrified with his prescenec, but he would not appear.

Buffy curled up in a corner of the apartment. How could this be happening? Riley had been a perfect boyfriend, but she still ended up back here. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she be happy?

All she could think of was Angel. Why couldn't everything be like it was? There had been so much love then.

She cried, sobbing into her hands. She had lost him. He had left her, once because of the clause, and once because he wanted to. It was the last thing she wanted to think of. She trembled as she sobbed, and curled up into an even tighter ball, but she could not escape the nagging thought.

He had loved her once, but now he didn't. He had worshipped her once but then he had left. What had she done to make herself drop so far in his esteem? Why couldn't he still love her?

. . .

Part 3 or "Timing"
This is the day after the first two.

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

Angel sat in his office. His head in his hands. "Angel?" Cordelia asked, knocking on the door.

He looked up at her. "What?"

That was Willow on the phone. "She thinks you should go to Sunnydale?"

"Why?" Angel asked, looking up, "What's happening?"

"Nothing demonic. Just … well, it sounds like Buffy's going through a rough spot. Willow thinks you should go talk to her."

"She has a boyfriend for that," Angel said.

"The trouble's with the boyfriend," Cordelia said.

Angel looked up. "Did he hurt her?" Angel asked.

"No!" Cordelia said, brushing it off as impossible, "Willow said they just had an argument or something. She's acting weird though and thought you might be able to understand her."

"Why would she want to see me?"

"Um duh, because she loves you."

"She doesn't love me. She has a boyfriend"

"So!! You left her you idiot. She still loves you!"

"No," Angel said, ending the conversation and leaving the room.

But under the skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

Buffy woke with a start as something creaked in the wind. She looked around her and tears came to her eyes as she realized where she had slept all day. She slowly rose to her feet and looked around the empty apartment. Ghosts of memories seemed to flit about the corners, but he wasn't there.

She needed to see him, or something of him. She walked out and started walking resolutely. She ended up at the mansion. She looked around the bare place with only a few curtains left to show he had ever been there. She looked around, with tears flowing down her cheecks.

She walked out to the back lawn. She remembered a scene here vividly, though then it was pre-dawn instead of deep night. She watched as the figures of her memories raged against each other. She could hear them yelling at each other. She could hear herself telling him he had to fight, that he couldn't give up. But he had. She had won that day, but he had given up on them, and walked away.

She had a boyfriend, why did she need him. How could they ask him to go see her? To see her with someone else? Wasn't the pain he feeling now enough? No. All she needed was for him to stay out of her life.

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

"Why?" she thought, "Why did he have to be so wonderful? Why do I have to love him?" It was never easy. They had fought and loved with intensity, but he had helped her to become comfortable with being the slayer. With him, she was normal, or at least had company in her weirdness.

"He kept pushing me away," Buffy thought, "ever since the beginning. He's always pushed me away. Was it just that I couldn't get it? Maybe I do need the pain. Maybe I always have, but it wasn't just pain. It was the love! Wasn't it? Now I can only have pain. Or Riley, which is love, but empty. I don't want either."

Buffy looked out over the city, revolted with her own thoughts and aching with the pain in her heart. She wanted Angel, and her heart would accept no substitute, without him there was only a hole where her heart and soul had once been. She sat down at the edge of the bluff. She could see everyone down below her, the twinkling stars of the little town. They all had their own problems, she had said it herself. They were too busy to worry about hers. They couldn't help her and it would be so easy to step over the bluff to end it, but they had problems. They had demons, and she would take care of them. Someone had to. They couldn't take care of each other yet. She had a duty and a place. They would miss her if she … left, even if they didn't know it.

Besides, her heart couldn't help but hope that he would come back and say the words she wanted to here.

For now though, all she could do was gain peace from the scene below.

The realization hit him as the pain in his heart constricted and released for a moment. Buffy. Part of what he had been feeling during the day was her. He could feel her pain, as he had been able to in Sunnydale when she had been injured. Now there was just an ache, and the feeling that she was hurt and needed him. She had been in trouble all day, and he hadn't …

He ran for the elevator only to find Cordelia there to meet him.

"Buffy's missing," she said.

"What?"

"She dissappeared last night. She never went home and no one's seen her all day." Angel didn't wait to hear another word, he just jumped in his car and started for Sunnydale.

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

"She's dying," he thought, as he sped away. "That's the only way I could feel it from all this way. She's dying and I wasn't there and to stop it, to protect her from whatever it was. She's in pain somewhere, has been bleeding and dying all day ... And it's my fault." He could imagine countless things attacking her. He could see her lying in the forest, or some back alley with her blood spilling from her body.

She was dying, her boyfriend hadn't been able to protect her. Maybe he was even dying. Maybe that's why he could feel her, not because she was dying, but because she was in pain captured by some gang of demons and she was morning her new love's death.

"How could I let this happen?" he thought. "Did I want *this*?"

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

The sweet lights weren't helping. She knew he wasn't coming back and the weight fell heavy upon her heart. It was her fault, and she had to live with it. He wasn't coming back. And she couldn't make him. She would live the rest of her life knowing it, that was her punishment. She sobbed, for all she had lost, and for all the years she would live, because she wouldn't let herself take that step over the bluff. The world needed her, but she cried for the pain, and for her own needs which she knew would go forever unfufilled.

Angel walked up the hill. He could see her looking over the edge. "Don't!" he cried.

Buffy was startled. She stood up suddenly and spun around in one motion to see who it was. She saw him through her tears, and was able to give a small smile of hope that he was there, before she realized what was happening. She looked down at her feet, which had somehow come to be standing right on the edge. She tried to catch her balance, but it was no use. Her head was stuffy from the crying, and the ground was crumbling away beneath her.

Angel ran towards her and stretched out his arm, but he missed her hand and she fell toward the town that she had sworn to protect far below.

THE END

. . .

Alternate Part 3 or "Everything You Want"
This is the day after the first two. This is the fluffier ending. After all that sadness, I need a little happy.

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

Angel sat in his office. His head in his hands. "Angel?" Cordelia asked, knocking on the door.

He looked up at her. "What?"

That was just Willow on the phone. "She thinks you should go to Sunnydale?"

"Why?" Angel asked, looking up, "What's happening?"

"Nothing demonic. Just … well, it sounds like Buffy's going through a rough spot. Willow thinks you should go talk to Buffy."

"She has a boyfriend for that," Angel said.

"The trouble's with the boyfriend," Cordelia said.

Angel looked up. "Did he hurt her?" Angel asked.

"No!" Cordelia said, brushing it off as impossible, "Willow said they just had an argument or something. She's acting weird though, thought you might be able to understand her."

"Why would she want to see me?"

"Um duh, because she loves you."

"She doesn't love me. She has a boyfriend."

"So!! She does love you, though Lord knows why."

"No, she doesn't," Angel said, ending the conversation and leaving the room.

But under the skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

She walked out to the back lawn. She remembered a scene here vividly, though then it was pre-dawn instead of deep night. She watched as the figures of her memories raged against each other. She could here them yelling at each other. She could hear herself telling him he had to fight, that he couldn't give up. But he had. She had won that day, but he had given up on them, and walked away.

She had a boyfriend, why did she need him. How could they ask him to go see her? To see her with someone else? No. All she needed was for him to stay out of her life.

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

Besides, her heart couldn't help but hope that he would come back and say the words she wanted to hear.

The sweet lights, weren't helping, though. She knew he wasn't coming back and the weight fell heavy upon her heart. It was her fault, and she had to live with it. He wasn't coming back. And she couldn't make him. But she would keep fighting, she had to. They had fought here, together once and suceeded. Sunnydale had seen snow. It would take another miracle for him to come back to her now. So she cried for all the pain. She cried for everyone down there, and for the ache in her heart.

He ran for the elevator only to find Cordelia there to meet him.

"Buffy's missing," she said.

"What?"

"She dissappeared last night. She never went home and no one's seen her all day." Angel didn't wait to hear another word, he just jumped in his car and started for Sunnydale.

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

He slowly walked up the hill. He could see her sitting on the edge of the hill. He slowly walked up behind her. She didn't see him. She was sobbing into her hands. He sat down next to her and put his arms around her shaking form.

She jerked and made a move to stand up, but he held her. "It's just me," he said.

His voice and face registered and she stopped struggling and wrapped her arms around him crying into his shoulder. "I can't do this," she sobbed.

"Of course you can."

"No. I tried, with Riley, but it didn't work."

"One boyfriend isn't worth doing this," he said, holding her close.

"Doing what?" she asked, looking up into her face.

He gestured toward the cliff not far away. "That," he said, "Dying. Nothing's worth that."

She looked at the cliff, and her eyes widened as she understood his meaning. She slapped him and broke out of his arms, storming off towards the mansion. She got only a few steps before she turned around to look at him again, fire in her eyes.

"I can't believe you! You think that just because I'm up here I'm suicidal! I come up here for strenth. I remember what fighting is like. I come here to remember that miracles can happen. I come to remember to how to live life, not end it!" she screamed at him. "I have always fought! I've always fought for us! You're the quitter. Don't pin it on me."

She started to storm off, but Angel caught up to her quickly and grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. "It doesn't work," he growled. "I tried this too remember! You walked away a time or two if I remember."

"Not to quit! Not for forever!"

"Yes."

"No! I kept fighting. I kept going. You ended it. You wanted this! I always loved you."

"I didn't want this. All I want is to be with."

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

"Then why don't you? Why don't you fight?"

"Because it won't work."

"We could have made it work."

"No, you know we can't."

"Yes! We can! It never failed. It could work. You just won't let it."

"Buffy-"

"Don't you dare Buffy me. You don't have the right! You don't love me-"

"I do love you!"

"Liar! Quitter! You don't! Not truly! You quit. You only love me if it's easy."

"That's not true. I have always loved you."

"No! You don't love me enough. You won't fight. That's not real."

"Why won't you believe me?! I have always loved you! It kills me and I love you."

"Then fight!" she screamed. "You don't love by quitting. You love by fighting. Love me."

She started crying again and he gingerly wrapped his arms around her. How could this have happened. They were so strong. Together they had been able to defeat anything. The three, the Master, the Annointed One, Spike, Dru, the Tarakans, even the Mohra demon. Together they had been strong. "Together you are strong." Why did that sound familiar?

"Maybe…"

Buffy looked up. She could here it in his voice, something she hadn't heard in a long time. "Please Angel." He hadn't realized he had said it aloud. He looked down at her hopeful tear streaked face.

Maybe they would be better together. He smiled at her. " … we could be together." She laughed and looked up at him with those brilliant eyes. He was smiling at her, smiling to tease and to love her. He leaned down to kiss her. She met him happily, and hugged him to her. He did the same as a bright light enveloped the kissing lovers, almost seeming to eminate from them.

"I knew you would get it," the female oracle said. Angel and Buffy looked up, startled out of there kiss.

"Finally," the male oracle muttered.

"Who are you?" Buffy asked.

"The oracles," Angel answered. "What are you talking about?" he asked them.

"The test" the female oracle said.

"What test?" Buffy asked.

"You will not remember, but the Mohra demon was a test. There were forces at work that believed you deserved happiness, while many doubted Angel's sincerity. The Mohra demon was the test that would determine your worthiness," the male oracle said.

"They meant for the Mohra demon to turn Angel human and the Mohra demon to escape. The Mohra demon would deliver it's message that together you are strong. If you could continue to work together and let neither of your prides get in the way, you would pass the test."

"What went wrong?" Buffy asked.

"I fought the Mohra demon alone, and then asked them to turn back time, because I couldn't protect you as a human," Angel said.

"You … you were human?" Angel nodded. "And you gave it up, because you didn't think you could protect me." He nodded again and Buffy started crying.

"But you have passed now," the female oracle said.

Buffy looked up at them.

"He came for you and you agreed to be together. He had received the messege, so the test still holds valid. Fighting your own fears, is a greater challenge, than any demon they could send so they are holding to the agreement."

"You passed," the male oracle said driely.

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time

"You shall both share your powers. Angel shall become human and he shall share his immortality with you."

"What does that mean?" Buffy asked.

"He is no longer a vampire. It is hard to say how long you will live, because immortality is so hard to divide evenly, but you shall age more slowly. Strength, you must learn to share yourselves," the male oracle replied.

"Make the best of this gift," the female oracle said with a smile.

There was a flash of light and they were back on the hill, near the mansion. Buffy smiled as she felt Angel's heart beating. The moonlight light lit her face, as Angel gazed down at her.

And I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.

Or I used to, they thought. But now they knew better. Angel picked her up and spun her around.

And I don't know why
Why

It was like a fairytale come true … yet, why had everything happened the way it did? The pain? The heartache? Why had he done it? I thought everything was doomed. But now … I didn't know I could be this happy. And yet still slightly mad at him … he had been human and thrown it away … he will pay though. Buffy laughed out loud as she looked into his eyes, which looked suddenly fearful. The future looked so bright and his eyes were so loving, in all his moods. What had she done to deserve something this wonderful?

And I don't know

She looked so beautiful. Her eyes sparkled at him as he carried her down the hill to his car. He didn't know what he had done to deserve her, but from the look in her eye, he'd be in trouble if he thought about it too hard. A laugh swelled in his chest, and she laughed with him. Maybe he didn't deserve her, but he would count his blessings everyday that he had her. He had no idea where they were going, but he didn't care as long as he was with her.

They had each other now. And that was everything either of them had ever wanted.

. . .

The End

. . .

Fanfiction Index