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Shadows of the Heart (Part 3)
By Erana Zeitler
Erana5128(at)aol.com

Disclaimer: Characters used in this story don't belong to me. Shocking, huh? They belong instead to Joss Whedon. Sad, but true.

. . .

Chapter 3

"Great," Xander cursed, standing and hurrying out the door. Cordelia stared after him, looked towards Willow, and then followed.

"I'm gonna . . . uh . . . " Willow bit her lip and looked at Giles with a guilty expression. "She didn't mean that," she said finally. "You know she's just upset because no one believes her."

Giles gave a half smile and stood. "Go," he said, knowing she wanted nothing more than to run after her friend.

"Thanks," Willow replied with a grin. "You should go, too, though. I mean, Angel may or may not be there, but we KNOW there are a lot of vampires there, and a lot of them would love to have Buffy on the menu." She winced suddenly. "I'm spending way too much time with her, huh?"

Giles nodded. "She'll be fine without me, I'm sure," he answered, his expression still strained.

"Giles . . . " Willow began, "if she gets herself killed, are you ever going to forgive yourself for staying here?"

Giles stared at her in amazement for a moment, then sighed. "Let's go," he finally agreed, and Willow grinned in victory as the two of them headed out the door after the others.

. . .

"Buff!" Xander shouted, running to catch up with the Slayer. "Damn it, Buffy, wait up!" He hurried up towards her, Cordelia following steps behind. "Geez, don't you know how to just stop for a minute?"

"No, I don't," Buffy answered harshly. "After all, it's all in my head, Angel's not really alive at all, I'm just running after a ghost, so why do I need you two along?"

"Uh . . . cause there are lots of really not so alive vamps there?" Xander suggested. "Buff, look, you're upset, I get that, but . . . don't get yourself killed for someone who's long dead."

"Would you stop with that?" Buffy asked harshly, whirling around and looking ready to slap him. "He's not dead! Damn it, don't you guys have any faith in me what-so-ever?"

"Of course we do, Buffy," Cordelia said. "We just don't want to see you get hurt."

Buffy stared back at her for a moment, then continued to walk in the direction of the mansion. Xander and Cordelia exchanged looks, then followed. "Buffy!" Xander shouted once more.

"Geez, with all those cigarettes she smokes you'd think she'd be out of breath by now," Cordelia commented as she and Xander once again ran after Buffy.

"Stop following me," Buffy said darkly, whirling around to face them once more. "You don't even believe a word I say anymore, like you said, there's no reason for you to risk your life for a dead man. So leave me the hell alone!"

"I'm not following you for Angel," Xander said, sounding annoyed that she'd even think that. "I get that Dead Boy is actually, what a surprise, DEAD. He's been dead for two damn years! He is NOT alive, he's not a prisoner of Spike and Drusilla's, he's DEAD! Move on!"

"Xander," Cordelia said softly, trying to get her on and off again boyfriend of four years to calm down slightly.

"Guess what, Xander," Buffy replied flatly, "If you don't want to come, no one is forcing you. In fact I'd prefer if you stayed at home. I'm the only one who apparently gives a damn about Angel, so I'm the one whose going to do this."

"Buffy," Cordelia began, "you're twisting everything everyone's been trying to say to you. It's not that we don't care . . . it's that there was nothing we could do. We should have thought of where Angel would be when the spell was performed . . . we didn't. But it's done. It's over. I don't see why you can't just let it go."

Buffy swallowed tightly. "Why? Why don't any of you believe me?" Her eyes filled with tears. "Can't you just have the slightest amount of faith in me? Is that really so hard? Just trust me when I say I know he is alive. I know it. And I know where he is. You all just think it's a mental break down or something, but it's not!" The tears that had filled her eyes began to leak down her cheeks before she could help it.

"Okay," Cordelia continued quietly, "okay, Buffy. If you say so I'm sure you're right. I believe you."

"You - you do?" Buffy asked.

Xander opened his mouth to say something but stopped at a glare from Cordelia. "Yes, of course I do. You're the Slayer. You wouldn't risk your life like this unless you were certain."

"Thanks, Cordy," Buffy replied, sounding genuinely grateful.

"But . . . Buffy, what are you going to be able to do all by yourself? How are you going to find Angel all alone, and manage to bring him out, and fight all the vampires that are down there, too? You can't. It can wait another day. Just one more day, so we can work out some kind of strategy, something vaguely resembling a plan."

"N-no," Buffy stammered. "I - I have to get him out . . . now . . . he needs me, I . . . "

"It's okay. We'll go down there tomorrow. I promise. But right now, it's not the time. We don't have any plan, or anything else. That's not exactly a great rescue attempt. Okay? Tomorrow."

Buffy stared at Cordelia for a moment, then nodded shakily, wiping at her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest as she began to realize just how hysterical she'd become. "Was all that just about humoring the insane Slayer?" she asked.

Cordelia shook her head. "Of course not," she replied earnestly. When Buffy looked down, presumably to take out a cigarette, Cordelia lifted her arm and made a fist with her hand, then punched the Slayer square across the jaw. Buffy fell and hit the ground, as soon as her head connected with the concrete she was knocked unconscious. "That was."

"Cordelia!" Xander shouted, just as Willow and Giles came running up behind them.

Cordelia shrugged. "Is she gonna go get herself killed for nothing now?" she asked them. When the others just stared at her she replied to herself, "No."

"T- that wasn't exactly the best approach I think could have been used," Giles replied, bending down to check on Buffy.

"Well, whatever works," Cordelia answered.

The others just stared at her. "She's fine," Giles said, straightening. "Although I imagine she's going to be just a little upset when she awakes." He, too, turned towards Cordelia.

"Look," Cordelia said sharply, "if she's gonna go to the mansion searching for someone long dead, fine, but she can at least wait till we have some sorta plan, and we can all go, and while we're there we might as well kill Spike and Dru, at least give the trip some kinda purpose, right?" She waited until the three people staring at her gave slight nods. "Right. So, obviously that can't be done right now. While she's unconscious, we the few who are still sane can come up with something."

"T - that actually sounds logical," Giles told her, sounding surprised.

"I know," Cordelia answered. "Geez, give a girl some credit for having half a brain why don't you?" She rolled her eyes heavenwards, then bent down. "Now are we going to MOVE Buffy, or do you all want to leave her out here so some vamp can get free food?" The others all exchanged looks, then stared at Cordelia. "What?" she asked, staring back at them. As one they shrugged, then Xander and Giles moved to lift Buffy from the ground and carry her back to the library.

. . .

He wasn't sure how much longer he could stay awake. Actually, he wasn't exactly sure why he was trying so hard to stay awake, except that somewhere in his mind he knew if he fell asleep he more than likely would never open his eyes again. The pain seemed to be getting more intense with time, instead of less, it was reaching a point that even his highly developed tolerance was having a hard time handling it. Drusilla hadn't returned since her last visit, since she'd complained about things 'turning upside down'. That was good, though he was having a hard time remembering exactly why.

He wished he could stretch his arms. Strange how something so normal could be so desperately yearned for after two years without it. Especially when those two years were spent in the same position. It was those little discomforts that had, over time, become comforts, almost. One thing that always felt the same, his arms were always stretched above his head and chained to the wall. Two years made it almost seem normal. Almost, anyway.

His eyes were drifting closed again. With a deep breath he forced himself not to let them shut. Even though he knew he was fighting a losing battle, he couldn't help the basic instinct of survival. Strange, really, he'd been hoping for death for so long, and now that the time was at hand, now was when he had seconds thoughts. He bit down on his lip, drawing blood, and willed himself to stay awake just a little while longer.

. . .

Buffy slowly opened her eyes, then sat up, realizing she was stretched out on the table in the library. Cordelia looked at her and bit her lip. "Hi Buff," she said somewhat worriedly, taking a step backwards.

"Hey," Buffy replied uncertainly. "What -- what's going on? What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Cordelia's eyes widened in pure glee and hopefullness. "Well, uh, what's the last thing you do remember?"

"Uh . . . you were trying to talk me out of . . . " Buffy's own eyes widened as she remembered her purpose and she sat up abrubtly. "Finding Angel," she whispered.

"Yeah, uh, heh, um . . . well, ya see, I just thought it would be better if you waited awhile, I mean, until everyone could go, and you were a little calmer, so I sorta . . . " Cordelia finally trailed off and offered Buffy a half shrug of apology.

"I remember," Buffy answered darkly, glaring at the girl.

"Look, I'm sorry if I don't want to go see you get killed, okay, so sue me." Cordelia stood and walked towards the other end of the library, where the other Slayerettes had been discussing a plan of action.

Slowly Buffy slid off the table and made her way towards them. "So, you all think I'm insane, huh?" she asked bitterly, wincing as she raised a hand to touch her bruised jaw.

Willow bit her lip as she looked up from her computer to stare at Buffy. "Not insane," she replied gently. "Blinded by grief? Yeah."

"Why can't you guys just believe me when I say that I know he's there? Can't you even entertain the possibility for two damn seconds instead of assuming I just can't handle the grief? Guess what, I've handled it just fine the past two years, why would I all of the sudden start cracking, huh?"

"That's what we're wondering, Buff," Xander said slowly. "I mean, why are you seeing these things now, instead of two years ago? If you're right, ya know, it would have been a lot more convenient for Dead Boy . . . er, former Dead Boy . . . whatever . . . if you'd known about it then."

"Try his name every once and a while, Xander," Buffy retorted sarcastically. "And I don't know. Why did I have dreams about Drusilla killing Angel before he lost his soul? It never happened, Dru never killed him . . . " When she saw the looks in her friends' eyes she groaned, "I doubt she would kill a human with a stake people!" she said in frustration. "But I still had the dreams, and they were trying to tell me something." She bit her lip for a moment, then turned her attention towards Giles. "Giles," she said slowly, "I - I'm sorry. About what I said, that was totally rude and uncalled for, and I - ya know, I'm sorry."

Giles glanced up at her and smiled reassuringly. "It's all right, Buffy," he replied gently. "You were upset."

"Thanks," she answered, smiling back at him. "You know I didn't mean what I said though, right?" Giles just stared at her. "Giles . . .you have to know I didn't . . . "

"You thought it, Buffy," Giles replied simply. "Obviously you believed it at some point."

Buffy bit her lip and sunk into a chair, wincing as she once again touched her jaw. "Only way back when," she explained. "Before Angel . . . before he disappeared . . . ya know, post-soul-loss. I did, at times, I mean, I thought . . . I figured with all the stuff you knew about magic and the occult that you did have a spell to restore his soul, that you just didn't want to, because it might make it harder for you to hate him. I know better now, Giles, it just came out."

Giles looked at her for a moment, then nodded. "It's alright," he said reassuringly. "We've been going over the plans of the mansion you said Spike and Drusilla were hiding in . . . there may be a way to sneak inside during the day. If so . . . well, while you're there, you might as well finally kill them . . . Spike and Drusilla, I mean."

Buffy rolled her eyes and moved away to lit a cigarette. "Yeah, since I'm in the neighborhood and all," she muttered. Then she suddenly looked up at Cordelia. "I really should hit you."

"Hey, if it wasn't for me you'd probably be vamp food right about now," Cordelia retorted. "Love the gratitude."

Buffy glared at her a moment longer, then turned her attention towards Willow. "When do we leave?" she queried.

"Uh . . . daybreak," Willow replied. "It's the best time, all the vamps will be sleeping."

"Let's take a vote, shall we?" Buffy offered. "All those who believe I'm right and Angel's alive, raise your hand!" She waited a beat, then smiled. "All those who believe I'm a complete and total insane raving lunatic who is right up there with Dru, raise your hand!" She waited a bit more, then frowned. "It's no fair if you don't cast a vote, guys." While her words were teasing there was a definite bitterness underlying them.

"Buffy . . . " Willow began, then stopped. "Look, Buffy, I'm sorry I don't believe you, okay? But I don't. And until I see him myself, I'm not going to."

"Amen to that one," Xander agreed.

Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, then for the first time seemed to remember that she was in a library in school . . . a place where smoking wasn't allowed, although Giles did let her get away with it most of the time. It seemed the perfect excuse to get away from the library and the weight of her friends disloyalty. Muttering something to that regard she turned and left quickly. Cordelia followed, just on the off change Buffy might ignore her friends' warnings and go to the mansion alone.

"Leave me alone, Cordy," Buffy said flatly outside the school building, turning on the budding actress.

"I just wanna make sure you don't do anything stupid like go off on your own," Cordelia explained. She walked towards Buffy and sat down next to her on the steps. "Look," she said quietly, "I'm sorry about before . . . I do believe you."

"Whatever," Buffy retorted, rolling her eyes and taking a drag on her cigarette.

"Why do you do that?" Cordelia asked. "You're the Slayer, aren't you supposed to stay super healthy?"

Buffy looked up, surprised by the question. "Uh, because I started and now I'm your typical addict," she said flatly, as though it should have been obvious.

"Why'd you start though?"

"Great, welcome to the saturday afternoon special. It's not like I'm doing cocaine."

Cordelia shook her head. "It's not the smoking, really, I don't care. It's just . . . you hardly even seem to care if you live or die anymore. Few years ago . . . you NEVER would have just run off to Spike and Drusilla's lair, regardless of whether or not Angel was there. I don't get you lately."

"Well, I never exactly 'got you' ever," Buffy answered, taking another drag on her cigarette then putting it out with the heel of her shoe. "And don't lie to me and tell me you believe me. You're just like them, you think I'm oh so desperate with grief."

"I do not," Cordelia replied. "Seriously, I believe you."

"You gonna punch me again?" Buffy asked darkly.

"No!" Cordelia shouted. "Damn it, Buffy, I'm trying to bond here, and you're not exactly making it easy."

"Well, I'm so sorry," Buffy said bitterly. "Next time when you're trying to bond, don't say the exact same things before punching said person. Doesn't promote bonding."

Cordelia looked at Buffy for a moment, then stood. "If you go to the mansion," she began quietly, "you won't make it out. You need us there."

"And when are we going to go? Yeah, you'll drive me to the loony bin and hope I think it's really the mansion."

"We will not!" Cordelia shouted in anger. "Would you just get off your self-centered routine for a second?"

"That is SO rich coming from you."

"You know what, Buffy? I don't think anyone has had one conversation with you in MONTHS where it hasn't turned into a fight. Think about it, when's the last time you talked to someone without yelling at them? Not even about the whole Angel thing, it's just this continous attitude that never goes away."

"Well, no one is asking any of you to stick around."

"Buffy, I swear, if I didn't know how much you've been through I'd have punched you a LONG time ago, and it would've had nothing to do with keeping your pathetic self alive." Cordelia whirled around and stormed back into the school. Buffy watched her go, shrugged, and took out another cigarette, staring up at the crescent moon and impatiently waiting for the sun to rise.

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