Story Arc: Funnies

• Cordelia: what is your childhood trauma?

• Willow: Accidently decrypted the city council's security system

• Giles: the thrill of living on the hellmouth!

• Buffy: Cryptic Guy said Fork Guy is coming
• Buffy: the torment of bright, sunny, beautiful
• Xander: earth never opens up and swallows you
• Willow: I don't want surprises in my hot dogs
• Buffy on what older women see in younger men
• Mr. Flutie: You have to heal! Now!
• Cordelia: I'm not saying we should kill teachers so I can lose weight...
• Giles: soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled

• Xander: new vampire sect in town, bringing in much needed tourist dollars
• Buffy to Giles: bad calculations, not tonight! I have a date!
• Xander to Owen: Buffy doesn't like to be kissed, or touched, or looked at
• Giles: I was more than a match for them. I hid.

• Tor to Buffy: wonder why nobody cool hangs with you?
• Xander: You missed the Zebras mating
• Giles: Right, that's enough training for one day
• Mr. Flutie: kids today, no school spirit
• Buffy; Xander tried his hand at felony sexual assault

• Buffy: Quarterstaff? I'm not fighting Fryer Tuck!
• Xander: the post-fumigation party

• Giles: I'll be be back in the middle ages
• Xander: Guess who?
• Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

• Buffy: Dummies give me the wig
• Willow: a dramatic scene
• Snyder: woolly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten
• Giles to Cordelia: something's wrong with your hair
• Cordelia gets stage fright
• Snyder: avant-garde?
• Willow Xander & Buffy perform Oedipus

• Xander suffers a slight case of nudity
• Cordelia: I'm not even of the chess team! I swear!
• Willow 'sings' Madame Butterfly
• Xander: someone else's loss is my chocolatey goodness!
• Xander: I mean, if you wanna label me heroic...

• Cordelia: With Shylock it's whine, whine, like the whole world is about him
• Snyder: there are no dead students here
• Xander; Mom's making her famous call to the Chinese place
• Cordelia's acceptence speech: being popular is not just my right...
• Cordelia: Help me Buffy! This is all about me!

• Master exhibits So Cal Earthquake blasé: Whadaya think? 5.1?
• Cordelia to Willow: I really like your outfit!
• Xander to Angel: I told you to eat before we left!
• Cordelia gives a vamp a taste of its own medicine

• Cordelia: no one has suffered like I have
• Xander: Yo G-Man!
• Cordelia: The Three Musketeers

• Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.
• Willow: Love makes you do the wacky
• Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?

• Buffy: my cream rinse is neither creamy nor rinsey
• Buffy: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi
• Buffy: Lemonade needs sugar?
• Cordelia & Willow hide in a closet

• Xander: God's gift to the bell curve
• Buffy: I don't always use violence, do I?
• Buffy: want to live somewhere without evil curses
• Buffy: Bad plan! I have other plans, dance plans, cancelled plans.
• Sven: is Cordelia even from this country?

• Cordelia: your duty to help me achieve permanent prosperity
• Xander: business cards or just the halter top?
• Willow to Xander: Protect Buffy? Prove yourself? Maybe catch an orgy?

• Oz: why can't I meet a nice girl like Cordelia?
• Xander instructs his troops on Halloween stragegy
• Willow: she couldn't have dressed up like Xena?

• Cordelia: everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette!
• Angel to Xander: could you NOT call me 'dead boy'?
• Giles: miss the nitro-burning funny cars?
• Ford to Spike: you make me a vamp, I'll deliver the Slayer
• Willow: ours is a forbidden love

• Giles: must we have this noise?
• Playing 'Anywhere But Here'
• Cordelia to Giles: I'll come back when you've visited decaf land
• Cordelia to Xander: I've seen you 'fight', I can take you!

• Xander: Would it be a crime to murder Cordelia?
• Giles: numbingly pompous Watcher's Diaries
• Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.
• Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!
• Xander: teenage girls DO NOT unplug their phones
• Willow: I have frog fear

• Spike: I'm thinking dinner & a movie with Angel
• Buffy: What's up with you and bug people, Xander?
• Xander: Dorkhead? You slash me with your words!
• Willy: your friend Willy
• Kendra/Buffy: two Slayers, no waiting
• Xander: Hey, larvae boy!
• Kendra: Dat's me favrit shirt!

• Buffy: I love it when things are quiet around here
• Giles: the subtext is rapidly becoming text
• Buffy: Here, Vampires...
• Buffy: what is it with grownups these days?

• Tector: Ain't that Angelus with the Slayer?

• Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me
• Xander to Giles: ready to get down, funky party weasel?
• Buffy: Sacred duty, yada yada yada
• Oz: Actually, it explains a *lot*
• Angel: Buffy hasn't been sleeping well

• Spike: you can't see the stars Dru
• Xander to Sentry: wanna give my girl the 'tour'
• Xander: looking at linoleum
• Oz: steal weapons from the Army a lot?
• Cordelia: pick up the pieces? Our job sucks!

• Oz: you've mastered the single entendre
• Oz: Willow's an evil mastermind
• Cordelia: it was awful. Daddy just had the care detailed.
• Oz: bunnies can take care of themselves
• Cordelia: Obsession for Dorks
• Willow: meek little girlie-girl like the rest of us
• Buffy gets the scoop on lovers lane gossip
• Willow: aggressive behavoir, violent incidents
• Buffy: So how'd it go with Larry?
• Xander: a good time to panic

• Buffy: a slight case of nudity

• Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy
• Giles: This is a school library, Xander
• Xander: the nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah approach
• Willow: 'pajama party sleepover with weapons
• Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter
• Cordelia: no fish in your aquarium?

• Get-well gifts for Buffy
• Giles: Cordelia, have you heard of tact?
• Cordelia: Sick people take advantage of you
• Cordelia distracts the security guard
• Willow: Xander I used to play doctor
• Cordelia: Boy, there's a demon for everything!
• Buffy: I thought I might try violence

• Willow: coding is pretty cool
• Xander: 'something weird', isn't that our school motto?
• Xander: I was accosted by a locker monster
• Cordelia: Whose genius idea was Sadie Hawkins?
• Willow: time for touchy-feely communication is passed
• Xander: snakalicious

• Cordelia: I think I've lost all will to cheerlead
• Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet
• Buffy: just what my reputation needs

• Xander's fishstick theater
• Angelus give Spike an Acathla history lesson
• Buffy: maybe I'll have to take finals forever?
• Spike: someone wasn't worthy

• Buffy: I'm in a rock band with Spike
• Joyce to Spike: Have we met?
• Xander to Giles: If this were a trick, why me?

• Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia
• Larry: Sunnydale is gonna *rule*!
• Buffy to Lily: we should split up
• Buffy: I just suck at undercover

• Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth Petting Zoo
• Oz: I think we should call it Patches
• Cordelia: I'm the dip
• Giles: Americans!
• Giles hot-wires his car
• Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome

• Buffy: credit just for speaking English, right?
• Giles: If I was mad at you Willow...
• Buffy: sometimes I crave a nonfat yogurt
• Xander & Willow give a tour

• Oz is Oz pretty much full-time

• Faith: Scott, there you are honey!
• Kulak: want me to cut that leg off?
• Cordelia: those animals!

• Buffy: you ran out of new training ideas a week ago, huh?
• Xander: I ate a ton, and I don't feel any diff... never mind
• Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?

• Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?
• Xander: why don't I alleviate my guilt

• Spike: she didn't even care enough to cut off my head
• Spike: I think I'm sobering up

• Willow: Not Nerf. Knife!
• Buffy: dead vamps, no fuss, no muss

• Willow: not everyone worships Santa
• Joyce: Angel's on top?

• Giles: they're confiscating my books!
• Snyder: the smell of desperate librarian in the morning
• Cordelia: little youthful offender

• Xander: what is this cool thing? how do you get it?
• of earthquakes, jelly donuts & Xander
• Xander: Note to self: less talk.

• Mayor: could just eat them up!

• Mayor: immoral liaisons going on there
• Xander: Willow, you're a vampire!
• Anya: just gimme a friggin' beer!
• Devon: only fruity jazz bands
• Willow: that's me as a vamp? I'm so evil & skanky!

• Wesley: demon wanted cash?
• Giles: six course banquet of nothing
• Xander: beat the address out of Willy the snitch
• Giles: any self-respecting demon...
• Mage to Giles: My debt to you is repaid in full

• School Editorial: 'pep rally pseudo-prostitutes'
• WILLOW: Was it a boy demon?
• Oz: Intense. Felt an expression coming on.
• Buffy to Joyce: you had sex with Giles?!?!
• Larry: I'm so out, grandma's fixin me up
• Freddy: not here about the Dingoes review?
• Buffy: we talked, he fed me a demon heart
• Buffy: what am I, Saint Buffy?
• Buffy to Giles: with my MOTHER!

• Snyder: Is that the new drug lingo?
• post-high school options
• Oz: Nobody like my Willow

• Buffy: I have the kick dress
• Of Demons & Prom dresses
• Giles: all-male prep doesn't prepare you for prom

• Willow: I'm gonna miss Harmony!
• Percy: now I can forget all this crap!
• Cordelia: Are you going to go to fifth period?
• Mayor: no fun being an immortal if you're not regular

• Cordelia: I demand an explanation
• Cordelia: a crazier plan?
• Mayor: let's watch the swearing
• Snyder: You've proved adequate
• Wesley: something for the pain? please?

• Buffy: I'm psyched about college
• Buffy: Oh no, line for boyfriends is probably really long now
• Buffy: did you explain about Hawaii to Xander?
• Buffy: I hope it's a funny aneurysm
• Giles: I'm not supposed to have a private life?
• Sunday: Slayer's not gonna last the night
• Xander's summer vacation
• Xander: Vampires committing petty larceny?
• Xander: reconnaissance?
• Buffy to Sunday: you made one mistake?
• Xander: a prank by some tan-less, day-sleeping friends of Buffy's

• Margo: I would not leave that one unattended
• Cordelia: So are you still - grrr?

• Xander: got hit by the Buffinator

• Doyle: some demons could be nice, given the opportunity
• Angel uses reverse psychology

• Giles, my crazy shelving system, the alphabet
• Giles: believe me Anya, I'm kicking myself
• Xander: Still more romantic than Faith
• Xander: Giles is shallow like us!
• Spike: Gem of Amara, Official Sponsor of my killing you

• The big, fluffy puppy saves the day
• Oz: Hello, LA.
• OZ: No, we?re usually laconic.
• Doyle with a hang-over

• Willow: Ax-murder is Halloweeny!
• Giles: I have to create a door
• Gachnar manifests & is mocked
• Buffy: no problem that cannot be solved with chocolate
• Anya: Bunnies frighten me

• Doyle: Angel likes playing the hero
• Doyle to Angel: People get attached to a mysterious saviour

• Xander: electric Kool-Aid funky Satan groove
• Xander: geo-political ramifications of being mean to Xander

• Cordy: I’m the girl from the projects!
• Angel to Cordy: You got peanut butter on the bed.

• Spike: Big Bad is back

• Cordelia wants a *Please* and *Thank you* for dismemberment
• Angel: So I’m a little reserved, that doesn’t mean I don’t care.
• Angel: I knew the hat was too much.
• Angel: I’ve always got pensive face.
• Kate: You have the most intense eyes. I see such an old soul.
• Angel: My parents were great. Tasted a lot like chicken.
• Heath: Remember this, brothers. An act of kindness.
• Cordelia: He put the whammy on you! You stink with whammy!
• Angel: There is always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia.
• Angel: Now, why don’t we all sit down together and process this?

• Xander: Every man faces this moment...
• Willow to Riley: if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel
• Harmony & Xander 'fight'
• Spike has trouble performing

• Cordelia: Maybe Doyle does have hidden depths.
• Richard: I think you'll all enjoy him.
• Harry: Something about ingesting past love.

• Buffy: not at all village people
• Willow: Cordelia really working for you?
• Willow: mine is the level head
• Spike: I apologize!
• Spike: You made a bear!

• Cordelia: Buffy & Angel'll be arguing for a while

• Riley: yes, I am a lesbian
• Spike: Giles, make her stop!
• Willow: undead English Patient?
• Spike: Passions is on!
• Buffy to Spike: I got a whole bunch of stones
• Giles: something horribly wrong
• Spike: gonna get it... gonna get it...
• Spike: where would Angel like to register?
• Spike: like you're my father-in-law, in'nt?
• Riley: I'm gonna go away and be...away
• Buffy: smear a little red paint
• Spike: whereas 'Buffy' gives it classic elegance
• Buffy: natural immunity to Willow's spell
• Willow: let this harmful spell be broken
• Spike: not the one who wanted

• Doyle: Our rats are low.

• Spike to Giles: Sissy
• Spike: Oh, we're not your friends...
• Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days
• Spike: don't see why I have to be tied up

• Introducing Barney
• Vampire Misconceptions
• Better Than Last Time
• Breakfast

• Xander to Spike: big mooch
• Buffy: death, carnage, Buffy party
• Forrest: All temperature Buffy
• It's the end of the world. Again.
• Buffy: freaky cereal boxes of death
• Giles: oh dear
• Spike: Let's fight that evil!

• Cordelia: better safe than cocktails!
• Cordelia to Penn: you’re totally pumping me for information, aren’t you?

• Spike: Shocked & disappointed?
• Spike: something dark & dank
• Spike: Say good-bye, shed a few tears.
• Buffy to Riley: hefty resume? It's no big, really.
• Giles: refuse to become a monster
• Ethan:

• Rogue Termite Fighters

• Any questions? (sigh) Buffy.
• Xander: Maybe you're more a cherry-berry fellow?

• Angel: Unlike at your party, in hell you tend to know a lot of the people...
• Angel to Wes: you want a job?
• Angel: and this brings us to Manet's 'La Musique aux Tuileries'
• Cordy to Wes: Groverling isn't just a way of life for you, it's an art.

• Buffy: I was thinking we'd hide
• Buffy: scenes from my parents' marriage?
• Buffy: yummi sushi pajamas
• Xander's impressed with the Initiative complex
• Spike: double shot of O-neg

• Xander: It's called a blaster... now, if it were called the Orgazmater,
• Xander: hiding part of the plan?
• Riley: giant skewer through the rib cage
• Willow: then the ritual hiding begins

• Anya: everything's fine?
• Xander: romantic evening
• Riley: bunch of marines staring at me
• Giles: tiny, tiny babies

• Wesley: Something's going down with the man

• Willow: knocked them deader
• Anya: that one's not so fun
• Giles: don't speak latin in front of the books
• Xander: a spell just to make us think he was cool? that is so cool!
• Riley: did anyone else feel way too tall?

• Not technically a crowded theater/I thought I knew eternity
• Your projection was very good
• see if he wound up chowing down on my one link to fame
• You're not going to untie me, are you?

• Buffy: you get Fang, I'll get Horny.
• Spike to Anya: you take the killing for granted.
• Xander: impressive knowledge of reading
• Xander: funny 'back away and avoid eye contact'?
• Graham: And *I'm* the one who got a D in covert ops.
• Spike to Anya: you brought me *here*?
• Spike: who's the puffed-up manly man?
• Xander: is every frat on this campus haunted?
• Spike: not first choice for heroics
• Giles sings Behind Blue Eyes
• Xander to Giles: naive for a god of accoustic rock
• Xander to Anya: what do you feel?
• Xander: willing to offer cash incentives
• Buffy & Riley: yeah, it was horrible.

• Cordelia: scratch the surface & you get more surface
• Angel: if you can't face your demons...

• Spike to Adam: you were a boy scout?
• Anya: they probably haven't had time to eviscerate him yet.
• Willow to Spike: you look like an evil olive
• Buffy: I'll pull a William Burroughs

• Xander brings Riley clown clothes
• Spike: for someone who's got Watcher on his resume...
• Riley: does Xander hate me?
• Giles: a good running-away-from
• Giles: Whatever happened to Latin?
• Xander: just because you're better than us

• Introducing David Nabitt
• Bandaging Up
• Wes: I'm stuck with the naked truth
• Wes: you should have tried to call us on your cell phone

• Spike: let's not quibble about who failed who
• Xander: full of kamikaze spirit
• Willow & Buffy: wonderful Xander!
• colonel: freaks with magic gourds
• Spike: let's go save 'em by gum

• Vampire on the premises.

• Willow Dream: Riley: looking for a *sales* man
• Xander Dream: didn't order any vampires
• Giles Dream: I wear the cheese
• Buffy dream: better make a fort
• Buffy: that guy with the cheese

• Lawyers leave for ritual

• Joyce: giving up on men altogether
• Riley: Big honking castle
• Buffy: Eurotrashed
• Riley: making time with the dracu-babes

• Riley: I'm here to violate your firstborn
• Buffy: breaking up with your car?
• Dawn: mom's not cool with witchcraft
• Giles: what kind of unholy creature?
• Xander: the whole enchilada

• Cordelia: They were like this all the way over here in the car.
• Wesley: What did he mean, especially *that* one?
• Angel: We're moving in.

• Willow: old south ceiling fan
• Giles: bravo for me!
• Willow: spell to protect from smell
• Spike: charming tea room
• Xander: Aggressively bad day
• Xander: Buy a Klingon costume
• Riley: just me then
• Willow: Candles & pretense
• Xanders: Kill us both spock!

• Darla: You're too busy protecting everyone else.
• Angel to Wes: Well, it-it's just, you know, the whole, visibility issue, not to mention the whole hat-head thing.

• Spike: takes a fall
• Anya: exploded monkey
• Spike: is it a sodding breadbox?
• Harmony: can't even pick flowers

• Wesley to Cordy: Top of your class in Advanced Bosoms?
• Cordy to Angel: she may be just a girl, but she can kill your ass by blinking.
• Cordy: see, Gunn wants to get paid! The poor man can't even afford a real axe!
• Cordy to Bethany: Don't bone my boss.

• Buffy: bringing the Bundt cake
• Dawn: Who made you Iron Chef?
• Giles: Our new slogan
• Giles: It's so shiny
• Anya: never had to afford things before
• Xander: Stay British
• Dawn: What'cha doing?
• Spike: you have stupid hair
• Giles: simpler when demons crashed in

• Harold: is my wife really being abducted by aliens? or cheating on me?
• Angel: It was Darla, she's human now
• Angel phones AI for info

• Riley: how come Xander didn't laugh?
• Giles: profoundly stupid
• Harmony: everything was on sale!
• Dawn: only losers drink

• Wesley: What am I doing? Knocking things over, driving away business. You know, the usual.
• Cordelia: Hey, look at me, I'm Angel, I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them.
• Magev to Angel: Find yourself some small, blonde thing. Bed her, love her, treat her like crap, break her heart.
• Angel: I'm not a eunuch!
• Angel: There is no Wyndham-Price Agency.

• Joyce: fine, chipper & obnoxious
• Darla: good point Dru (YORKSHIRE, 1880)

• Cordy: My older - way older - like 400 years older - blonde sister Darla, no last name.
• Angel: The weight of her soul, she's feeling it.

• Tara: one-stop spot to shop
• Giles: I'm almost certain you're wrong...
• Giles: lovely paperweight

• Gunn to Angel: What am I supposed to do? Sit home and knit you a sweater?
• Angel: Two things bringin' in the chicks -- the do' and the ride.
• Cordelia: So in order to take his mind off the torment that is Darla, we sent Angel after a box that makes you crazy.

• Willow: dizzy knees from Vamp slayage
• Anya: frisked like a fluffy lamb
• Xander/Giles: Killer snot monster

• Angel: Darla's right. We were amateurs compared to Wolfram & Hart.
• Angel: It's that whole leap of faith thing.

• Giles: purveyor of crass holiday commercialization

• Gunn: Darla probably ain't in there
• Cordie: Was it a suspicion, a hunch, or an inkling?
• The high-speed chase: is Cordy pregnant, or does she just need to use the bathroom?
• Dru and Darla's cashless shopping technique
• Lindsey: I do care if I die. I guess I just don't mind.

• Tara: exotic England
• Willow: different colored pens
• Xander: tell us about the killing
• Spike practices his apology
• Olaf: Ooh! Ale! I smell delicious ale!
• Spike: on second thought...
• Spike: paralyzed with not caring very much
• Olaf: Can it be babies?
• Anya: The Land of Trolls
• Tara: allergic to shrimp

• Wesley: Come to find your destiny, have you?
• Merl: I'm spinning here, man. Freaking vampires.
• Lindsey: But Lilah, I would never steal files from my employer!
• Cordelia: Earth to retards: you have an obsession you pretty much squeeze it into your schedule, no matter what!

• Xander: Allo, Pip Pip
• Giles: In that case, I severely underpriced it.
• Buffy: bad day, baaad...
• Buffy: Power Outage in Buffy County
• Spike: the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down.
• Spike: boatload of manly responsibility
• Willow: fascists!

• Gunn: Go on, English, make your move: because it'll be your last.
• Gunn: I thought she said he *breathed* fire!
• Angel: Pro bono. There's got to be an angle.
• Wesley: Our new agency?
• Merl: Well, Jeez. Does everybody know where I live?

• Anya: the bigger they are, the faster they stomp
• Buffy: How was school?
• Giles: I've got one just like it
• Spike to Dawn: All this for a book?
• Spike: didn't go with my stuff
• Anya: Urn of Ishtar as an ashtray?
• Spike: morning sunshine

• Cordelia: Hey, negative energy boy, with all of our money pooled together we can stay here a long time.
• Lorne: What's today? Thursday? Tomorrow night, the world's going to end. I thought you might want to know.
• Angel: Seventeen Karaoke bars. You know, I need to lie down and scrub out the inside of my head.
• Virginia: And by 'house' I mean palatial estate, and by 'grateful' I mean they'll give you big tubs of cash.
• Lorne: Someone had to drive. You weren't exactly qualified, huddled under the blanket in back, hiding from the sun.
• Angel: You want to know what my problem is? I'm trying to atone for a hundred years of unthinkable evil. News flash! I never can!
• Wesley: Oh, yes. We found the killer -- just not the murderer.
• Lorne to Angel: You're connecting to a human. That's a start.

• Xander: paying for water not a challenge
• Spike to Buffy: It's not blood, it's bourbon.

• Cordelia to Wesley: Gunn, stubborn, synonyms

• Xander: I know I'm alive because of the pain
• Tara: bad spelling
• Anya: might buy an antelope
• Anya: Magic Shop web site
• Anya: I'm expecting a big karmic reward
• Anya: fine Chex craftsmanship
• Buffy: had it with super-strong little women
• Giles: only so much I can take!
• Buffy to Joyce: no more! I can't hear you!
• Giles: I like to see Xander squirm
• Xander: too many girls; I miss Oz.

• Angel: I really couldn't help but notice the goats, guys
• Cordy to client: Scam? The back of your kid's head was blinking!
• Lindsey to Lilah: You really think that a few last minute dark rites and rituals are gonna make a difference now?
• Wesley, bleeding, to Cordelia: Cordelia . . . Cordelia . . . Cordelia, ambulance?
• Angel takes Lilah captive
• Cordelia to client: Because it's not like we offer a money back guarantee - but then, you never paid us, did you?

• Darla to Angel: You can not tell me that wasn't perfect! I used to do this professionally, and *that* was perfect!
• Cordy: you must have me confused with someone else. I haven't destroyed anyone's spawn. Promise.
• Cordy: Listen, I've been impregnated by demon spawn before. Let's just say, didn't really work out.
• Gunn: Cordy's eyes are open. All three of them
• Wesley: So Angel suddenly reappears, orders us to sit and wait and we just do it?
• Gunn and Wes: We came to rescue you. But then they caught us coming in the back door.

• Angel: Man. Atonement's a bitch.
• Harmony to Cordy: seeing you there looking so... luscious.
• Cordy: Harmony is a vampire? oh, my god, I'm so embarrassed!
• Wesley to Harmony: get away from her... foot.
• Wesley: *someone* put a *stake* through that woman's heart!
• Gunn: don't we kill vampires anymore?
• Lonre: I think your friend should reconsider the name Harmony. Cacaphony, maybe?
• Harmony: I am an evil fighter! That's why I suck at being evil. I was meant to fight evil!
• Cordy: la, la, la, la, la, new clothes! I have new clothes!

• Xander: If I have to see her straddle Spike again...
• Buffy to BuffyBot: we're going to *kill* Spike, not save him

• Wesley: There has to be another way besides Angel singng. Think, damn it!
• Lindsey: (singing at Caritas) I can't feel a thing
• Angel: when I was in charge here, nobody questioned my methods or my singing.
• Angel: I'm on a case here, Lindsey. Does everything always have to be about killing you all the time?
• Lindsey: I can't control my Evil Hand!

• Anya: capitalism
• Giles: Petrified Hamsters

• Cordelia: Move. I think the sashimi is coming up.
• Angel to Cordy: Do you want me to rip that guy's head of for you?
• Angel: He's also got Cordy wearing this flimsy swimsuit that covers, like ... nothing.
• Cordelia: Who am I kidding. I embarrassed myself.
• Landok: (to Lorne) Does your cowardice know no limits?

• Buffy: Aim for the horsies

• Cordy in Wonderland
• Cordelia the fine old cow
• Angel: I'm just waiting for Wesley to have that Eureka moment
• Wesley: I'm 96% sure this will work
• Lorne: Oh yes, this is my home dimension. Home sweet hell.
• Lorne: Xenophobia is kind of a watch-word where I'm from
• Wesley: I think we're winning!

• Spike: Is everyone here very stoned? Ben is Glory!
• Giles: pointless questions
• Spike: This is gonna be worth it
• Willow to first slayer apparition: how ya been?

• Cordelia to the gang: Am I not the princess?
• Lorne's Mom: When you disappeared, your brother Numfar (Joss Whedon) did the dance of joy
• Landok: That is no cow. He's Angel! The brave and noble drokken killer!
• Angel the storyteller
• Cordelia: Let's get the hell out of here
• Landok to Angel: It is a great honor to swing the crebbil at the bach-nal
• Cordy RE: Wes' sewer escape plan: Okay. Smells like I'll be mating with the groosalug.
• Cordy on meeting the Groosalug: something is a nice tailored suit... of armor?
• Groo to Cordy: such compassion to ignore the flaws of my polluted birth.
• Groo to Cordy: Can they not just look upon you and *see* that you are a princess?
• Gunn to Wes: Have I mentioned just how glad I am I decided to leave my people behind in LA so I could come here to die?

• not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech
• Willow: I could use some courage...

• Lorne to Cordy: It's not like I have hands to cover my ears here, ya know?
• Gunn to Wes: We die horribly and painfully, *you* go to hell and I spend eternity in the arms of baby Jesus.
• Serving Woman to Cordy: I'm like you? The light that shines in the darkness upon the land?
• Lorne-in-the-bucket, rescued by Groo
• Angel would storm the castle, if he only knew where it was
• Lorne's head to the gang: Where's the love, guys?
• Angel: Cordelia loves Groo? She loves me, too, right?
• Lorne's mom: They call me Mother of the vile excrement!
• Cordelia: You're in charge now, Groo.

• Giles: I hope that vamp doesn't try to operate heavy machinery...
• Spike: cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea
• Xander: I am a man, and I have a tool.
• Tara: You found the last known urn of Osiris on eBay?

• Cordelia: Don't say the 'B' word
• Cordy to Angel: you're back! You guys, he's back!

• Xander: I so need male friends

• Gavin to Angel: This is a list of fifty-seven city code violations for your hotel
• Old shopkeeper: Your kind not welcome here!

• Merl to Angel: I want back the three months I spent in therapy after being hung upside down in a sewer.
• Angel: ask yourself this: if I'd killed Merl would I've brought donuts?
• Furies: Mmmm, Angel.

• Dawn: That's a weird place for a horn
• Giles to Dawn: I'll be your cereal control group
• Giles: back in America, knocked unconscious

• Angel: the worm certainly has turned!
• Pilates, is that like Tae-bo?
• Gunn: I should probably interview the hookers right away - while the trail is hot.
• Cordelia RE: Angel: This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde?

• Warren: It's like the Slayer's completely without focus
• Jonathan: Stop touching my Magic Bone
• Connery vs Moore vs Dalton

• Cordelia and Wes re-enact the offscreen meeting between Buffy and Angel

• Anya: a special kind of angel called a Charlie
• Spike: Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble?
• Xander: I'm gonna marry that girl.
• Dawn: Can I try your engagement ring on?
• Giles: Rupert is a great baby name
• Giles: Mist, cemetery, Halloween
• Anya: obscenely muscular male strippers

• Angel to Cordelia: handling a lethal weapon is a *little* different from shaking a pom-pom.
• Wesley: I guess we wait here.
• Cousin Dylan: You gotta know the rules around Billy.

• Gunn: Look, we're not thieves, we're investigators. (and apparantly, jugglers)
• Fred to Angel: you & Cordy have kyrumption and moira
• Lorne: This is way beyond my ken... and my Barbie and *all* my action figures.

• Who are you people?
• little fluffers in the cotton-top pit of hell
• Randy/Spike: I must be a vampire with a soul!

• Lilah to Gavin: You're understaffed, underfunded, and clearly undertalented.
• to speak to or worship Master Tarfall, Underlord of Pain, press three.

• Translator to Lilah: You *highlighted* an ancient Nyazian Scroll?
• Translator: when the sky opens and the heavens weep, there will be no birth, only death.

• Wesley: And seeing as you once nearly had sex on my desk I shouldn't be surprised that now there is a baby on it.
• John Wayne in Rio Bravo. Austin Stoker, Assault on Precinct Thirteen.
• Angel: The part that scares me is all the questions. Like, why is there always pigs' blood in the fridge?

• Buffy: cut way back on the cat

• Wesley: have you ever seen anything lovelier?
• Angel: I cried like a baby. And I was *evil* back then!
• Cordy: Angel *is* crazy
• Lorne to Angel: it's Kyrumption
• Gunn: Not a lot of people could say that to me and live
• Box seats
• Gunn: I used to be cool.
• Wesley: rhythmic snoring
• Cordy: Say, do you like bribes?
• Uncle Lorne's lullaby
• Cordy: good thing it wears off right away.
• Angel: I've been possessed by old lovers before
• Wesley: who's laughing now?

• Buffy: afraid to face a true warrior?
• Anya to Buffy: we invited a attractive single man
• Tara: Richard is cute, don't you think Spike?
• Anya to Buffy: Richard's better than Sophie
• Tara: a muscle cramp? In your pants?
• Tara: maybe you wanna put some ice on that cramp
• Richard: I don't think *that's* a skin condition!
• Spike's birthday celebrating suggestion

• Cordelia: I guess we could probably 'com' without actually 'shucking.'
• Angel: Me and Groo? You know, I'm more of a loner. Plus, he's so bulky. He could really slow me down!
• Angel: Not 'together' together. Just 'get the potion' together.
• Angel: And I'm really getting tired of the 'Groosa-worship' thing. He's such a champion. He's so rugged. He's so emotionally available.

• Vampire: Geez Slayer, is that you I smell?
• Riley: wild bear

• Angel: Check this out! How *cute* is this? Huh? Seriously.

• Buffy the bridesmaid

• Xander & Spike hunt the Glargabullgashmanick

• Anya tries to provoke anti-Xander wishes

• Groo: Hail to you, potential client. How may I be of service?
• Angel: Then I guess we better help him. We are not losing another member of this family.
• Fred: Oh, Charles. Your soul wasn't worth air conditioning?

• Groo: I beseech you to heed my words... Pomegranate Mist is the wrong color for this room.

• Mistrees Meerna seals the rift

• Spike: here we are now, entertain us

• Connor: Okay. We'll give it a try.
• Angel: Is this kid a chip off the old block or what, huh?
• Fred: Angel's *really* happy. But not perfectly happy, I hope! (poke, poke)

• Anya to Halfrek: intervention? shouldn't all my demon friends be here?

• the gang interrupts Anya working

• the amazing poseable Dawn

• Counseling Amanda: should I pound him some more?

• Dear Cordelia, thanks for the flaming arrows
• Cordelia: I get it! You're all spies!

• Lilah to Angel: coming from you, idle threats are so... idle.
• Angel: they talk about me in the chatty rooms?
• Angel: I'm holding your *head*!

• who loves him the most?

• everyone loses their memory
• Vampires are real.
• Angel: I'm invisible! Or: I'm a vampire!
• Fred: probed and explored by naked, helpless body.
• Angel: You want a vampire, then? I guess I'm your man.

• Angel: are they giant demon snakes?
• Lilah: one day, if I pray real hard and eat all my vegetables...

• Anya: forget it, Harris! I'm not Spike-sitting!
• Anya: Oh, just shut up, William, and take me. Take me now!

• Angel to Connor: Zombies are slow-moving dimwitted things. *not* like me.

• Warren: That's the worst attempted pig slaughtering I've ever seen.
• Willow runs into Andrew buying blood
• Good cop / bad cop

• Gwen: more pathetic if it's a lie, or if it's the truth?

• Waking Andrew
• Andrew: It's like Wonder Woman 297-299
• Andrew: so, how long have you followed Buffy?
• Andrew: went over the dark side, but just to pick up a few things

• Angel to Connor: If anything goes wrong with Angelus, you'll have to kill me
• Angel: Wood. Why'd it have to be wood?

• Anya's sexual bribery is rejected

• Connor: Tourists.
• Fred: That's ridiculous! it'd be like sleeping with your own...

• Andrew: I'm like Vegeta!
• the best field trip ever (demon bar)

• Lorne: What is succu-bitch doing here?

• Giles to Buffy: please be safe while I'm gone
• Spike: who you gonna call?
• Anya: a teenager, a powerless former demon, and two big geeks
• Giles: a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation

• Angelus: where is the beast?
• Angelus to the Beast: What? You don't like lackey? Hmm. Or how about, uh, toady? Or lickspittle? Lickspittle's nice.

• Principal Wood: I'm certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job
• pre-date conversations

• Mysterious Voice: Hello, Angelus. It's time we had that talk.
• Angelus: All right. What do you want me to do... (grits his teeth) master?
• Demon: Oh, *that* Angelus. Yeah, in here all the time running his mouth. Look at me, I'm so evil. Real jackass.

• Andrew: I prefer to think of myself as a "guestage"

• (Dream Flashback, New York, 1902) Faith: did you miss the invention of the bath?
• (Dream Flashback, Chicago, 1920s) Faith: Dude, you just rescued a puppy!
• Wesley to Willow: Well, I never flayed... I had a woman chained in a closet.
• Faith to Angel: That vice is plenty versa

• Andrew: hello there, gentle viewers

• Angel: Easy Bake. Flop-a-palooza. Woosh. Pop.
• Angel to Cordy: Yeah? I'm kinda creeped out myself

• Spike to Faith: not all that tension was about you
• Andrew: she wrapped evil around her like a large, evil Mexican serape

• Anya lectures on Ubervamps
• Dawn: this Band may be one of the signs of the apocalypse
• Spike on Onion Blossoms

• Creature: I'm an executive demon, but now I live in a dirt hole because of those freakin' Jasmaniacs and their demon jihad!
• Lorne: tonight is open mic night, share your personal joy about good Queen Jasmine!

• Anya to Xander: of course I'm jealous

• Demon to Wes (aka Talky Meat): We loved her first!
• Lorne: And that's why when we use words like 'ugly-ass' and 'beastie'....

• Anya: Giles knows his single-malt antiseptics.

• Andrew: You go through the door and are confronted by Trogdor the Burninator.
• Andrew: proud to die fo this very special cause with you guys
• Giles: The earth is definitely doomed.
• Anya: floppy, hoppy, bunnies.

• Lilah: this is the offer of a lifetime. Just not, you know... mine.
• Lorne: So it's an evil limo. I get that, but does that mean we don't restock the cherries?

• Rescued Woman to Angel: You did this for publicity?
• Harmony: I'm the perfect assistant: I'm strong, I'm quick, I'm incredibly sycophantic—-if that means what that guy said
• Lorne conducts W&H Employee Evaluation Session 2D
• Angel: I have no problem spanking men.
• Lorne to Wes: oh, and here I thought we were desperate

• Lorne: Honey of a story. I see Depp and Bloom.
• Angel: I'm meeting with Grox'lars?! They eat babies!
• Harmony: Slayer-loving freak.
• Angel: Knowing you'll be haunting me till the end of time? Hmm. It's a dream come true.
• Spike: Ol' buckets here was right. You guys are doing a bang-up job.
• Spike: I could drive you completely starkers, and you wouldn't be able to do a sodding thing about it.
• Angel to Spike: Fair? You spent 3 weeks moaning in a basement, and then you were fine! What's fair about that?
• Harmony to Spike: I guess a leopard can't change his stripes

• Angel to Spike: you know that whoosh thing you do?

• Spike to Angel: Never much cared for you, Liam, even when we were evil.
• Wes & Gunn: Spike's slipping into hell? Of course. Kinda figured. Where else would he be headed?
• Psychic: I call upon the guardian of souls, the keeper of the passage.

• Lorne: Don't worry, I've pulled the big boy out of many a brood-fest.
• Lorne: Mingle!
• Devlin: I proud my honor roll student. My other car a Lamborghini.
• Angel: I'm busy. I'm brooding. My team is losing.
• OK, something is definitely wrong with this picture.
• Angel: And, Eve, you stay here with me, we'll have more sex.
• Fred to Wes: did you press the elevator button?
• Spike to Gunn: You pissed in the big man's chair? That's fantastic!

• Lorne: Fred! Fred, sweetie, you're sorta like a woman....
• Spike: Didja hear? Angel attacked the old mail guy.

• Wesley: I find it hard to think straight when my father's around.

• Spike: I'm back, Charlie boy! That's what's going!

• Angel: Harmony! Do you wanna explain the camel in my lobby?
• Gunn: The whore man is a novice in your tongue and makes foolish errors. We make fun of him, yes?
• Harmony: I'm totally sorry I have to do this, and you guys are being super understanding. I so owe you guys dinner.

• Spike to his rescuee: I mean, honestly, what kind of retard wears heels like that in a dark alley?
• Dream: Fred to Angel: I can't seem to find anything wrong with you. I mean... except that you're empty. Just a shell.

• Andrew: Spike? It's really you! you're like Gandalf the White, resurrected from the pit of the Balrog, more beautiful than ever!

• Angel to Cordy: See? It's just an office. Nothing scary popping out at you.
• everybody says 'hi' to Cordy
• Cordy to Angel: You've made a deal with the devil.
• Spike RE biting Cordy: It was a taste test, you git. I needed to know if what my source said is true.
• Eve: I don't know what it is, exactly, but the failsafe is huge and alive... and specifically designed to destroy you.
• Lorne: Look. Uh... I think I'm making some right now.

• Submarine, 1943: Spike: Sneaky bastards, the S.S.. Don't ever go to a free virgin blood party.

• Angel: I met this guy with a towel over his head, and something exploded! I woke up like this.
• Spike to Angel: You're a wee, little puppet man!
• Angel to Nina: my nose comes off.
• Lorne to Angel: My little prince! What did they do to you?

• Spike to Angel: I—I'm shocked, *shocked* that you'd say that. I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments.
• Spike to Wes: Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?

• Spike to Angel: Thousands would have died if we'd saved her.

• Spike to Illyria RE Wes: Actually, love, we call that scotch. 12-year Lagavulin, if I'm not mistaken. Good choice.
• Connor to Angel: Right. So you guys, like, fight crime and save the world here, that sort of stuff?
• Illyria RE: Connor: This one is lusting after me.

• Illyria to Spike: This shell... you had affection for it, for Fred. Yet you strike at her form without sentiment.

• Angel to Spike: Look, we have to work together on this to stop The Immortal and save Buffy. Oh, and pick up that demon body thingy.
• (1894, Italy) His benevolence The Immortal wishes to convey his regrets at having detained you
• Andrew: Wait. Uh, you didn't know Buffy and the Immortal are...together?
• (1894, Italy) Darla to Angelus: Darling. It was just fornication. Really *great* fornication.
• (1894, Italy) William to Angelus: Yeah. Nuns are your thing. Everybody knows that. They respect it. They respect us.
• Angel: Buffy'd never fall for a centuries-old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil.
• Bartender: Ah, si. Si. The Immortal's new ragazza. They come, while ago.
• W&H CEO Ilona: The two of you are so precious! But no! This is a civilized country. Grazie. Prego. Kiss-kiss.
• Oh, look. The Americans are relying on violence to solve their problems. What a surprise.
• Grazie, prego, ka-boom.
• Angel: meanwhile, The Immortal's eatin' cookie dough!
• Spike: Can't we just... lock her away in a box where no one can ever touch her? You know? Like we did with Pavayne?

• Spike: My heart expands, 'tis grown a bulge in it, inspired by your beauty... effulgent.