ANGEL: Dancing. Why'd it have to be dancing?

SPIKE: (to the sexy female bartender) You speak English, luv?

BARTENDER: Si, si. I love the English.

SPIKE: We'll get along fine, then.

ANGEL: We're looking for a girl. American. Blond hair. Blue eyes.

BARTENDER: Many blond American coeducationals. Spring break? The girls, they go wild.

ANGEL: No, no. We-we're looking for a friend of ours.

SPIKE: She's in trouble. This ponce called The Immortal is--

BARTENDER: Ah, si. Si. The Immortal's new ragazza. They come, while ago. (gestures to the crowd) There.

(Angel and Spike turn to look, get a glimpse of some blond hair being flung about as a distant girl dances)

BARTENDER: Your friend maybe go a little wild, too, si?

SPIKE: Right. Hold down the fort. I'll be right back.

(he walks away toward the dancing crowd)

ANGEL: Huh? Oh, yeah, here it comes. The part where you run off alone and play the big hero so Buffy'll take you back. Well, newsflash, blondie bear: Never gonna happen.

SPIKE: Look! I know I don't have a shot with her, all right? Probably never did, but I still care about her, and I'm not gonna let her end up with a jerk like The Immortal. Or you.

ANGEL: Hey, ours is a forever love.

SPIKE: (scoffs) I had a relationship with her, too.

ANGEL: OK, sleeping together is not a relationship.

SPIKE: It is if you do it enough times.

ANGEL: Spike.

SPIKE: What?

ANGEL: The head.

SPIKE: I thought you had it.

(they look back at the bar to see the demon butler from the house where they picked up the head carrying the bag away)

SPIKE: Hey! Where you think you're going with our head, Jeeves?

VOICE FROM BEHIND: Anywhere he wants.

(Angel and Spike turn to see several large, bulky muscle-men standing behind them.)

ANGEL: Don't suppose we can talk about this over a nice amaretto?

(One of the men punches Angel. Fade to commercial and back. Resume. Muscle-men just started a fight with Angel and Spike while the butler steals their head. The fight is shown in slow motion while the song Take Me in Your Arms sung by Dean Martin plays over the scene.)

SONG: (performed by Dean Martin)

Once upon a lovely time,
Many million dreams ago,
Once there was a man in love, dear,
Many million dreams ago.
Once he thought he had a sweetheart,
Then he broke the golden rule:
Never take your love for granted.
Wise men often play the fool.
Now he'd like to say, I'm sorry.
Can't you see within his heart
Without you, there's no tomorrow.
Why should true love have to part?


(during the frenzy, Spike accidently slugs Angel, who gets ticked and slugs him back)

ANGEL: What the hell are you doing?

SPIKE: (yelling) I was confused, ya git! It's very loud in here.

ANGEL: Where'd the little guy go?

(Angel and Spike look around and see the butler walking out the door with their head. The butler sees them and gestures with his fingertips off of his chin before exiting the club. Spike and Angel rush after him.)

SPIKE: Where'd he go?

(A car screeches as it rushes past them, nearly running them down.)

ANGEL: Hey! That's our car. He's got our car.

(Spike grabs a nearby motor scooter, starts it, and revs the engine.)

SPIKE: Hop on, little mama.

ANGEL: I'm not ridin' on the back.

SPIKE: He's getting away.

(Grudingly, Angel climbs on and wraps his arms around Spike)

ANGEL: Faster! Come on, punch it!

SPIKE: Stop holding on so tight.

ANGEL: Shortcut. Turn right.

SPIKE: Let go of me.

ANGEL: Turn left, turn left. We'll cut him off.

SPIKE: All right, already!

(Spike and Angel have headed the butler off and are now facing him head on. The butler pauses a moment, then drives the car into their motor scooter, knocking them off and destroying the scooter. )

SPIKE: Son of a? (angry muttering)

ANGEL: One job, you know. Hang onto the head. That's it.

SPIKE: You were right there, too.

ANGEL: I wasn't in charge of the head.

SPIKE: Well, it's gone now, isn't it? You gonna stand here in the strada yelling at me all night?

ANGEL: Did you just say strada?

SPIKE: It means street.

ANGEL: Yeah. I know what it means.

SPIKE: We only have 12 hours to get that head back before Los Angeles becomes a demon war zone. Should we argue some more, or should we get on with it?

ANGEL: Ah, all right. You know, you're right. No more screwing around. We find that guy, we get the head back, and then we get the hell outta here. That's it.

(Cut to the dance club)

ANGEL: Have you seen the blond girl?

SPIKE: Buffy. Her name is Buffy.

ANGEL: She was just dancing with The Immortal.

SPIKE: Are they still here? Did they leave?

BARTENDER: Relax-a, relax. It's OK.

SPIKE: They're still here?

BARTENDER: No, no. They're gone. But you must relax. I pour you some wine.

ANGEL: Oh, he's got her, Spike. He's got Buffy. Why is this always happening to us?

SPIKE: It's him. The Immortal. This is what he does. Every time he shows up, I either lose my girl, get beaten by an angry mob, or get thrown in prison for tax evasion. (off Angel's look) Long story.

ANGEL: Well, you know what? It's different now. We're different.

SPIKE: Hey, damn right we are. We're not gonna be his Shemps anymore.

ANGEL: No way, man. I mean, we're just out of our element.

SPIKE: If this was L.A., We'd have him hog-tied by now.

ANGEL: If we had our resources, if we had our team, if we had our helicopters or?he'd be in a world of?

SPIKE: Hang on. Doesn't Wolfram & Hart have an office here in Rome?

• Angel & Spike
• Buffy & Spike
• Funnies

written by: Steven S. DeKnight & Drew Goddard; Original transcript by CariCranberry. Edited & formatted by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season5/transcripts/5x20_tran.php