(Buffy strides out of her house, put pauses as she senses someone nearby. She reaches behind a tree and drags a Spike out into the opening)

BUFFY: Spike.

SPIKE: (awkward) Hi, Buffy.

BUFFY: Don't take this the wrong way but...

(She socks him in the nose.)

SPIKE: Ow!

BUFFY: What are you doing here?

(Spike appears to be about to launch into some convoluted explanation. Buffy cuts him off.)

BUFFY: Five words or less.

(Spike, irritated, counts the words on his fingers.)

SPIKE: Out... for... a... walk... bitch.

BUFFY: Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.

SPIKE: On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.

BUFFY: Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.

(She goes to move on, but Spike's not ready for that yet)

SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair.

(suddenly losing his cool, Spike dashes off before he can say something worse. Buffy looks after him, confused, then spots a pile of cigarrette stubs on the ground indicating Spike's been hanging around outside her house for quite some time. She's even more confused, but she's got bigger fish to fry)

• Buffy & Spike
• Funnies

written by: Douglas Petrie; . Full transcript at:
http://www.studiesinwords.de/83noplacelikehome.html