HARMONY: OK, that's it. I gotta get out of here, leave the country. Maybe Mexico. Yeah, I like Mexico. Or Cancun, I hear that's... anyway, I'll... I'll start over, change my name. Harmonita—that's kind of pre—

(stops, has an epiphany)

HARMONY: Bitten on the right. He was bitten on the right!

(jumping up and down with joy, Harmony reaches out to kiss the nearest person, which happens to be Rudy, the lab technician)

HARMONY: Oh, my God! I didn't do it! (kisses Rudy, who pricks her finger with his needle) Ouch!

RUDY: You sound just like my 6-year-old. He's always sayin' that—

(Rudy's display beeps and flashes the red letters: "POSITIVE. Transmitting results." Harmony grabs it to read what it says. Rudy stares at her in disbelief. She shrugs and giggles, then punches him, knocking him out, and then drags him into a utility closet.)

LORNE: (to cell phone) No, no. Yeah, well, I'm talkin' first-degree murder. Yeah, mine, if these demons find out we're short 4 gift bags. Hey, Lorraine, you're a lifesaver. (hangs up) Harmonica, Harmonica, hey, hey. You seen Danny around? I need him to—

HARMONY: Oh, no. So, just curious, you know those random blood tests? Where do they go?

LORNE: Well, the results get automatically transmitted down to the lab, I think. And then, uh, they—

(Lorne hears Rudy moaning from the closet)

LORNE: Did you just hear that?

HARMONY: Hear what?

(cut to Harmony shoving Lorne's unconscious body in the closet with Rudy. Then she heads for the lab)

FRED: (nervous) Harmony!

HARMONY: I can explain!

FRED: You don't have to explain anything. I just have to get something out of my... I left my autoclave on.

HARMONY: It's not what you think!

FRED: OK, so your test came back positive. You slipped, had some human blood. Maybe it was consensual, or...

HARMONY: There was nothing! I mean, I think there was something— I don't remember exactly. I think somebody must have drugged me. I was at the bar, and then I woke up, and he was there.

FRED: Wait. He?

HARMONY: He. Him! The guy you made me talk to!

FRED: Oh, God. He's him?

HARMONY: I didn't kill him! I'm innocent! See, 'cause you said he was bitten on the right. I'm a right-biter.

FRED: Uh...

HARMONY: Look.

(grabs Fred's shoulders and feigns biting her)

FRED: (not liking the demo) Aah!

HARMONY: See? Right-biter.

(grabs Fred to feign biting her again)

FRED: Harmony, stop!

HARMONY: I lean right, which means I bite you on your...

FRED: Left. I get it. Left.

HARMONY: Right! I mean, correct. And since he was bitten on his right, he had to have been bitten by a left-biter, ergo, not me!

FRED: OK, that's a very convincing argument, Harmony, except your blood test came back positive.

HARMONY: Yeah, I know, but that's— it couldn't! It's a mistake, or... I drank it accidentally, or... Somebody spiked my thermos!

FRED: Why would anyone—

HARMONY: I don't know. Because— the summit! Someone wants to ruin it, or— What are you doing?

FRED: (picks up the phone) I want to believe you, Harmony. I do. I think if we just call and explain what happened to Angel, it—

HARMONY: No! Zero tolerance policy, remember?

FRED: He can help.

HARMONY: He's not a helper. He's a chopper. He'll cut my head off before I get 2 words—

FRED: He won't!

HARMONY: (desperately) I'm not a killer! Well, I am, but I've been clean for 8 months... except for today, but that is different because it's not me!

FRED: Angel will listen, I promise. He'll want to hear what you have to say, and he'll understand. Don't worry. Everything will be fine. OK?

(dials the phone. Harmony stares at her for a sec. Cut to the closet, Harmony shoving Fred in.)

HARMONY: (to her 3 captives) I'm totally sorry I have to do this, and you guys are being super understanding. It's just till I clear my name. I so owe you guys dinner.

(walks down the hall, talking to herself)

HARMONY: OK, OK, OK. So...I'm being set up. Somebody put blood in my blood. Human blood in my thermos. So, fingerprints. Right. Gotta get my thermos.

• Funnies

written by: Sarah Fain and Elizabeth Craft; Original transcript by CariCranberry. Edited & formatted by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season5/transcripts/5x09_tran.php